What I Think Really Bothers Her About Diapers

[Jen Harris]

My gf doesn't like my diaper wearing. She is very much into crossdressing and dresses me up pretty often. But if she sees evidence I've been wearing diapers or worse sees me in one, she gets really upset in a way that can last for days (and means no sex whatsoever). I have not promised to stop (Since I know I won't), the current situation is "don't ask don't tell". But what is making her so upset? When we first were going out she said it wasn't a turn on, but it was just... kind of whatever. Like she had no interest in diaper sex but thought it was perhaps even a little cute, and certainly tolerable. She even offered to try diapers with me for a few heroic deeds I did for her. But over time the current situation evolved where she just does not like them one bit.

The surface thing making her upset is that I wrote a story. It's around the forum here somewhere... that really upset her as far as diapers go. Ironically I wrote it exactly because she didnt' like diapers; I thought through writing I could explore my fantasy without needing the physical diapers. But I wrote and posted it without her permission (didn't think I needed it!) and she has felt disgusted ever after. She says she felt betrayed and I was getting strangers off. Every explanation I can offer (like "there's not even any sex in it!" and "the main female part is basically YOU") did not placate her. It was a mistake.

But that's not what gets her. The deeper reason, I feel, is that outside of any fetish or kink she feels like she "has to take care of me", like I'm a kid. Nothing to do with diapers directly - it's things like my room is always messy, I can't find my keys, I get distracted... I've been diagnosed with ADHD since I was 14 or so, and it's still a big factor in my life. When I read some "ADHD Marriage" articles around the 'net I recognized a lot of what she said right away - feeling like she has to take care of me and so on. She sees me in the evenings and the morning, before and after my medication is most effective. When she sees me and she's trying to accomplish something, I'm often staring into space, distracted. I leave my things in random rooms around the house. I try but it doesn't always work.

When she sees diapers she's just reminded of all the traits she doesn't like. It gets all wrapped up together - me leaving a mess (in the sense of piles of receipts, not in my diaper!) at her place, diapers, etc. The story that so upset her is the icing on the cake, or the tip of the iceberg. It's the visible part but what's lurking beneath is much greater. The story to her was just an illustration of how I'm impulsive and don't think about how she will feel before I act.

When she dresses me up as a girl there's no need to be reminded of that. I could be any sort of woman; horny slut, high class escort, who knows, but I'm not necessarily a chore to take care of. But the diapers? To her that's what they've come to symbolize. When we were first going out we didn't live together much, so she didn't have to worry about me making a mess, didn't have to pick up after me, etc. But as time went on - like when I wrote the story, about a year ago - we were basically living together. Not actually, but I spent probably 5 or 6 nights sleeping with her. My place got to be a big mess she had to deal with, and my mess invading her space really upset her.

It is more than just disorganization. It's when she's trying to cook and needs my help but I'm off on some unrelated quest to water the plants. It's when I don't realize she needs me to help her reach something because I'm distracted by the internet.

For her part, she could definitely communicate more clearly and work with me more. And there is more to the story from her side, I'm sure. But that's how I feel. She often chides me - and not in an AB sort of way - for being like a kid, for her needing to find things for me or clean up after me, for me not being observant and not taking care of things.

Anyway I just wanted to explain that situation and ask if you guys had any thoughts on where to go from here. This is taking a toll on our relationship. I'll be talking to my doctor about the ADHD side of things, but there has to be something we can do from an interpersonal standpoint.

One aside - going to a therapist together is basically out. She was raised in a tradition where you do not, do not, DO NOT talk to outsiders about your problems, and it's completely against her. She's working on opening up and communicating better, but that is a long, long way out. She gets very defensive when I raise the idea. So I'd rather not do that. Not until she's ready anyway.

Thanks!

[TDL]

Try to confront her about it. If she says it's okay, but gets mad if you wear them, something is wrong. Ask her why she gets mad, it's that easy.

[Vermino]

communication is the key - first of all, you need to figure out why you like diapers (it's a turn on aint gonna cut it). I usually tell someone that doesnt understand it's like a security blanket for me or like xanax to help me relax. That and I usually say it brings back part of my childhood without those worries or cares (like a job, bills, etc etc). If she can understand cross-dressing then I don't see why diapers would be a big deal besides the embarrassment issue.

but you two need to talk about it - don't force the issue but burying it won't help either.

[Yvhuce]

1: Remove the story and deeply apologize for that and make sure that she knows that it's gone from here, at least. (Though, since you went and put it on the internet, it could crop up anywhere [which may be part of her problem with it]). That one is entirely on you. Also, avoid writing any more stories about her. People don't like it when you include them, or their likeness in something that they're not into or not part of. If you really feel the need to write this sort of thing, do something like getting a program like 7-Zip that you can use to save a zipped copy in, under a password-protected archive file that only you can access and give it a name resembling a system file and stick it in a system folder, where it'll blend in. Above all else, don't share such files or stories, as doing so will probly eventually get back to her and she'll just get even more pissed-off...

2: Seek some sort of couple's counseling. It seems that you've got some deeper problems, there... You may need professional help to get it sorted out. Also, some people need to be made to understand conditions like ADHD from professionals, as they may otherwise be able to file it away as "making excuses". As Vermino pointed out, you need to re-establish the lines of communication. It may take some help to get that done...

[WallaWalla]

You are young and there is no reason you should be wasting your time on somebody like this. You clearly aren't meant for each other, move on and you'll both be happier.

[sarah_ab]

first off, many women for some reason think if their boyfriend / husband / so is looking at an sort of 'adult' site its cheating on them. I seriously cannot tell you how many friends have come to me to vent about how their boyfriend looks at porn and they can't stand it. I personally don't understand this mindset, so unfortunately cannot offer any advice except, perhaps your girlfriend is simply this type of women, for which i have found there is no way to talk reason into them.

secondly, have you asked her why she has become over time so against your diapers? I mean its great that you are attempting to understand her reasoning, but the best way to find out is ask her. And if she seems reluctant, share with her your feeling that maybe it is because she feels she has to 'take care of you.' Let her know you respect her and love her etc... and care about how she feels, and are just wanting to understand and get to know her even better.

thirdly, and this may not be an issue, but at 27 there are multiple strategies you can use to manage your ADHD. simply things, like ALWAYS leaving your keys in the same place the minute you walk in, keeping yourself to a very strict schedule in regards to laundry, room cleaning etc.... While ADHD is largely uncontrollable, there are aspects which a person is able to control, and there are many many behavioral techniques which can be employed to help manager the symptoms. While often these techniques are only discussed in regards to children with ADHD, they are easily adaptable to an adults life and schedule. It is important, especially if you and her are living together, to have her on board to support and encourage you in managing your symptoms, and for her to understand fully what adult adhd is. There are some great support forums out there for significant others of someone with ADHD, which she may find helpful in beginning to realize she does not have to 'take care of you' and learn to let some of that go.

but as has been said, you need to first talk with her... perhaps why you think she isn't in to you are diapers is completely off base, and its something entirely different you aren't even aware of.

[Dougie]

Are you dating my ex-wife?

If she doesn't want to talk about it run. Don't stay in a relationship where you have to do all the changes, and she doesn't make any concessions or compromises for you. It has to be a two-way relationship or it won't last.

[rusty pins]

Do you like humiliation and being totally submissive? Then perhaps it may work out but I still doubt it! You are just not compatable however deeply you may feel for her. Life is not a one way street, she has to give a little and not have everything her way all the time. She is controling and vindictive. How? She gets mad and upset when she sees that you have been wearing diapers and dosn't want you to wear them or write your stories. That is controling. She is vindictive by witholding sex and getting mad at you for something you enjoy doing. If you like this treatment, then go ahead with her, but be forwarned, this is the way it's going to be for the rest of your life if you stay with her and can't work things out between each other as far as your diapers go. Do you really want that? I doubt it or you wouldn't have posted your OP.

[Guest rosemonde10]

Unfortunately for you, or others, if a person does not like a thing the chances are very low you can "turn" them to liking it. For here, if she does not like the diapered thing, chances are she never will. It's a sad fact that if a person doesn't like something, they flat out never will.

I wish you luck in life wearing diapers and your lady friend. I wish it were easier for you.

[Honu]

JH,

Your post is very thought provoking. As you can read from some of the other responses, what is really facing you both is a very serious decision. While you are only 27, you are 27 already. What I mean is, at your age people are expecting to accomplish big things by starting them. They start lifelong careers, buy houses with 30 year mortgages and start a family by getting married. While it is obvious, the purpose of dating is to find a spouse. If you can't offer her marriage at all, don't cruelly keep her hanging on and hoping that you'll finally accept her. Similarly, she is finding out if you will "change" and become husband material.

As you can see, by the posts of others, it really isn't about either one of you changing. If you are going to be a couple, it is up to each of you to accept the other the way they are. While counselors help some see what is really out there, it is up to the people involved to see what is really going on, recognize it and move on. They can't fix things for you and I think that is why she isn't supportive of that route.

Communication is key, but you have to cut through the crap and get down to it. Does she feels that things are too one-sided and that if you are diapered, then she is forced into being the only adult? Do the diapers just push things too far, or is it something separately unacceptable? In her mind, how with children fit into a relationship with you? Just what about you wearing diapers makes it a deal breaker?

You may not open her mind to accepting this. While she accepts one aspect of your sexuality, there are many here with me that can assure you that you won't be happy until all of your sexuality is accepted by someone. This may not be the relationship that you really need and maybe you are the one wasting time by persuing someone who wrong for you. Sorry, but life is like that.

Aloha,

Honu

[superdiaperbaby]

I suppose the advice to give depends largely on if both of you are in love or not. If you are not then it all seems like a power struggle and it might be better to leave. If you are in love then it is doable. You have been together a while so you know each others likes and dislikes. It sounds to me like she feels you are taking advantage of her. Not because of diapers, but in other areas of your relationship. The key word is "consideration". Are you considerate with her feelings and desires? Do you help her out when you can? If you become more considerate of her in your relationship I have a feeling diapers will start to not be that important to her. So I wouldn't approach it as a diaper thing, but a rebuilding the relationship kind of thing. Don't give up diapers, but help her out in other areas. In my relationship my wife thinks about diapers as just a tool for good sex, which is the way I wanted it. If you make diapers a big deal, they will become a big deal. If you minimize it and act like diapers are just a tool then she shouldn't see it as a result of being lazy.

Speaking of lazy, that is what my mother said when I told her about my diapers and that is what my wife thought as well. I think there is something in motherly types that thinks that someone who uses diapers after age 3 is just being lazy. I didn't do anything to dispel that notion, because it might be just a little true. However over time they could see that it was more relaxation for me than laziness. Seeing the positive aspects of diaper wearing really helped them cope. Just some thoughts..

SDB

[Jen Harris]

JH,

Your post is very thought provoking. As you can read from some of the other responses, what is really facing you both is a very serious decision. While you are only 27, you are 27 already. What I mean is, at your age people are expecting to accomplish big things by starting them. They start lifelong careers, buy houses with 30 year mortgages and start a family by getting married. While it is obvious, the purpose of dating is to find a spouse. If you can't offer her marriage at all, don't cruelly keep her hanging on and hoping that you'll finally accept her. Similarly, she is finding out if you will "change" and become husband material.

A lot of things you bring up here. Careers are an issue for us both. In that we both have good, well paying, low stress jobs, but jobs that leave us really wondering if... it's the career we want.

As for marriage that's an issue that came up recently. It's something we both want one day, but as it is, I need to see that a lot of these issues are going to reach a tolerable conclusion. We both will have to change some and meet in the middle. If that's impossible... I don't know what. Things aren't so bad that I feel like we should break up. But...? I don't quote know. Leaving a bad relationship is one thing, leaving an "okay" relationship looking for a mythical great one? And this isn't a relationship that started yesterday, it's been almost two years.

As you can see, by the posts of others, it really isn't about either one of you changing. If you are going to be a couple, it is up to each of you to accept the other the way they are. While counselors help some see what is really out there, it is up to the people involved to see what is really going on, recognize it and move on. They can't fix things for you and I think that is why she isn't supportive of that route.

Communication is key, but you have to cut through the crap and get down to it. Does she feels that things are too one-sided and that if you are diapered, then she is forced into being the only adult? Do the diapers just push things too far, or is it something separately unacceptable? In her mind, how with children fit into a relationship with you? Just what about you wearing diapers makes it a deal breaker?

I think you mis-understand. She feels like she has to be the only adult - even with diapers out of the picture. I think she doesn't like diapers because she feels like she has to be the only adult already and diapers remind her of this.

You may not open her mind to accepting this. While she accepts one aspect of your sexuality, there are many here with me that can assure you that you won't be happy until all of your sexuality is accepted by someone. This may not be the relationship that you really need and maybe you are the one wasting time by persuing someone who wrong for you. Sorry, but life is like that.

Aloha,

Honu

If I felt she was someone whose values were fundamentally incompatible with diapers, I'd drop her. But that's not the case. In the first 6 months of dating (actually as far as 9 months in), while she was't into it, she understood my interest and would at times try to do things. For instance when I was stressed out and she was on vacation, she sent me an email telling me I should wear diapers until some later time. It was not a regular part of our play but she was accepting of it. But that went downhill.

My point is that when we were just dating, my... nature, was not so annoying to her. But living together she feels like she has to be the only adult, and nothing symbolizes that as much as diapers do.

[DailyDi]

If you acting like a baby reminds her of you being messy and inconsiderate.... stop being messy and inconsiderate?

[drynot]

Relationship advice is so tough to give over the internet as there is so much going on behind the scenes that 'arm chair warriors' aren't privy to. However if you can understand that the truly happy ones involve give and take then you'd be much better off than most. Its said that most men get into a relationship hoping that the girl won't change and women get into relationships hoping the guy will change. That said, if you can truly communicate your feelings openly with this girl and you can truly listen to her concerns about the whole issue then you'll do just fine IMO.

[Missy Q]

Are you dating my ex-wife?

If she doesn't want to talk about it run. Don't stay in a relationship where you have to do all the changes, and she doesn't make any concessions or compromises for you. It has to be a two-way relationship or it won't last.

This.

Judging by the information provided, it sounds as if she wants you to drop this aspect of your personality and refuses to speak with you or anyone else about it. That is not material for a good healthy relationship Try to keep getting through to her, but don't try and win an impossible battle..

[Guest rosemonde10]

I slightly disagree with Goden. From a female's perspective, although a relationship may seem rough going, in the long run it is worth it if you love each other. Sacrifice comes with the territory of commitment, on both sides too.

For you, it may be giving up diapers or at least not so much time spent in them, for her it may be at least SOME sacrifice of not wanting diapers. Or......well.....do you get my point? If you love her enough, and she loves you DIAPERS ASIDE, then it may be wirth it to consider giving it up FOR GOOD.

I caps FOR GOOD because you do not want to be caught 20 years down the line at the house one tuesday after when she surprise comes home from a break to you messing a diaper in the bathroom. Not good for a relationship to hide something like that.

Commitment, love, and relationships are big things. Complicated things. But the rewards of giving up a fetish for love reaps great rewards. At least for the female mind lol.

[enfant]

Sorry, rosemonde, but I have to disagree. Trying to give up a fetish for someone is a recipe for disaster; I don't know anyone who's tried it and had a marriage last very long. It's not like giving up smoking; it's more like giving up being gay. A fetish is part of your identity on a very deep level. A relationship can work with a partner who doesn't want to participate in your fetish, as long as he or she understands that it's a part of you and is okay with you taking care of your own needs. A relationship works better with a partner who embraces it. But a partner who expects you to give it up... that relationship's going to end--painfully, and much too soon.

[Yvhuce]

Yeah... Diapers aren't really something that one can just walk away from... They may not be something that one can permanently quit. I quit wearing them for years when I was still living with my folks, but that didn't mean that I didn't think about them, or even that I didn't write about them... They became more of a preoccupation in my mind, as it was one of those "you know you want it, but you can't have it" sort of situations. Now that I can wear them whenever I want, that aspect really isn't there... Apart from discussions on here, I don't really give much thought to diapers. Personally, I'd rather remain alone than try to live with someone who was anti-diaper. I got enough of that when I was living with my folks. If someone can't accept who you are, they're not worthy of your attention or devotion. Let them go and you'll both be happier in the long run.

[Jen Harris]

I think I said some things that have people on the wrong track. This thread isn't "My gf hates diapers. What do I do?" - perhaps that's part of it, but it's not the basic setup where it's been hidden and discovered and she wants me to give it up and so on. Basically in bullet points

1) She tolerated diapers to the point of playing (and wearing with me) before

2) I wrote a story on here, she really didn't like that, but there was already some strain in our relationship then

3) I think the story caused her to associate diapers with me being "careless and inconsiderate" and all the things she doesn't like

4) Some of me being "careless and inconsiderate" is because I'm ADHD.

5) The ADHD behabior was easy to hide early in our relationship since we weren't spending as much time together.

So the question is twofold:

1) How do I uncouple all these negative things (including issues associated with the story, which she says made her feel betrayed) from diapers, and get back to neutral?

2) How can I show her I'm loving, caring, and capable even when, being ADHD, I'm bound to have some problems, especially in terms of being messy and not always handling all the tasks she wishes I did?

[sarah_ab]

So the question is twofold:

1) How do I uncouple all these negative things (including issues associated with the story, which she says made her feel betrayed) from diapers, and get back to neutral?

Honestly, since these are all HER feelings, and you don't know exactly what about the story bothered her, or even if the actual story bothered her, or rather the act of posting it here was what bothered her, and what caused her feelings to change about the diapers in the first place,, YOU can't do anyhting to change her emotions. Thats the thing, people are always willing to blame others for their own emotions, but in the end we are responsible for our own feelings. But i would suggest having a frank talk with her, and telling her how you are feeling in regards to her reactions, and what your thoughts are on perhaps what caused her negativity, then wait for her feedback, and ask her if you are on base, or off base, and what are some things that would perhaps help her come back to at least acceptance of the behavior.

2) How can I show her I'm loving, caring, and capable even when, being ADHD, I'm bound to have some problems, especially in terms of being messy and not always handling all the tasks she wishes I did?

ok i'm going to say this is caps, because you are an adult now and someone needs to tell you this, STOP USING YOUR ADHD AS AN EXCUSE FOR ALL OF YOUR BEHAVIOR!!!!! i addressed this already in my previous reply, so am not going to go into more detail except to say, you are old enough to take responsibility for what you can control and what you cannot, and learn the coping mechanisms that are available.

that being said if she cannot differentiate between who you are and the symptoms of adhd, then perhaps she needs to be educated as to the symptoms of adult adhd, and needs to be part of your incorporating more behavioral techniques and coping mechanisms into your daily life. If you include her in your life fully, and this includes helping to manage the symptoms of ADHD, she will feel more connected to you!

[Dougie]

First thing I would suggest is quit posting things about your relationship on the internet. Discretion goes miles toward trust between partners. Any sexual or emotional should stay private. Take time to build a relationship with her, without the diapers. Eventually you can bring the diapers back into your life, don't involve her at this point. In time she will bring up the subject of diapers. Let her bring it up. Don't push it on her.

[beetle99]

The OP sounds like (to me) an undiagnosed Asperger's. However, I am not qualified to make that decision, nor would I encourage others to do the same.

My advice: walk away from this relationship if you can't live without the diapers. Nothing in the world will change her mind. She WILL try to change everything about you. I should know, I was married once for almost 5 years.

[Morv]

Find ways to reduce the side effects of your ADHD.

I think you nailed it on the head when you said that the diapers SYMBOLIZE the other problems of your relationship to her.

Change when you take your medication -- set an alarm, and move the time earlier or later, so that she DOES see the best part of you, not the ADHD addled aspects.

Make it your number one priority to not let your mess, or your ADHD side-effects invade her living space. At the very least, set boundaries for yourself -- places where you NEVER, EVER, EVER set things down which are her personal space. Don't find excuses why it is hard to, find reasons why you must.

My girlfriend is usually very organized, but our bedroom is her personal clothing/personal possession explosion. I have shelves going up six feet on the wall on my side of the room, and that's my space. I can't get to MY dresser without trying not to step on her stuff. This isn't an ADHD issue, but the general idea of her mess interfering with my space is the same. It royally pisses me off, but we have enough other stuff to deal with, I just swallow this one and don't make an argument of it.

I know that ADHD isn't completely in your control, but when your meds are working strong, it is. Use that time on weekends or other days off to reduce the affect that your ADHD has on her. Hell, take a day off from work to do it. Don't rub it in her face, but do make sure she knows that she is that important to you.

Also, write things down. If you don't keep a day planner/calendar, do so. Set alarms for things you often forget on your phone, if it has that capability. If it doesn't, consider getting a phone which can handle alarms and calendar events, and use it. Also, don't be afraid to set timers on things, if you say that you'll be back in 20 minutes, set an alarm for 18, and know when it goes off, you drop what you're doing, and you return. Things like that.

The greatest invention of human kind is the written record. Our ability to pass on knowledge on without direct communication is one of the primary things which separates us from other animals.

Communication is key, but so is compassion. If you have the unfortunate disadvantage of ADHD which has no compassion, then you may have to spend a little more time than others to make sure your compassion is exhibited.

[diaprbayb]

Wow, I came on here tonight to get off my chest the new problems that have struck me. I will not hijack this thread, but say that I too feel your pain. The difference is I am already into a marrige and have two children. Maybe my story may help you decide what to do.

[Jen Harris]

ok i'm going to say this is caps, because you are an adult now and someone needs to tell you this, STOP USING YOUR ADHD AS AN EXCUSE FOR ALL OF YOUR BEHAVIOR!!!!! i addressed this already in my previous reply, so am not going to go into more detail except to say, you are old enough to take responsibility for what you can control and what you cannot, and learn the coping mechanisms that are available.

that being said if she cannot differentiate between who you are and the symptoms of adhd, then perhaps she needs to be educated as to the symptoms of adult adhd, and needs to be part of your incorporating more behavioral techniques and coping mechanisms into your daily life. If you include her in your life fully, and this includes helping to manage the symptoms of ADHD, she will feel more connected to you!

The thing with coping mechanisms, as I learned from some ADHD and relationship sites, is that.... well, you do learn coping mechanisms. For things that are part of your life, like work, etc. I have ways to pay my bills, and get to work (part of that is choosing a work where when I show up is flexible). My life is not in total disarray while I blame ADHD.

However, living with someone in a committed relationship is another matter entirely. I haven't really learned the coping mechanisms for that yet. I lived by myself for several years and got along OK. My place was kind of a mess, and my diet was a lot of bubba burgers and bagel bites and fast food, but I did okay. Now I'm in a life where all these old ways of doing things don't apploy - it's different when you have someone else involved. I can't just let trash and stuff pile up and have one massive cleaning every six months

Oh, and Dougie? I find the internet is a strangely useful place to go for relationship advice. I don't want friends and family to know things - especially if diapers, etc, are involved. I need to talk to someone, so I talk to the Internet. Granted I wind up ignoring 95% of the advice I get, realizing the people who give it have no obligation not to give bad advice. But still.