Dealing With Disappointment

[underwhere]

I had a lot to think about today. I've had a lot to think about a lot lately.

I put this blog entry together just now, and I know that blogs are not typically well read around here, but I am very interested in seeking feedback from anybody willing to give me some.

In addition to dealing with the varieties of disappointment I've had, I'm currently in the process of trying to figure out what the heck to do with myself. I don't really feel like I am making substantive progress with my life right now. I feel like there is a lot more holding me back than pushing me forward, and I'm really struggling with trying to find a way to allow me to be more productive and feel more positively about myself. I know that I have a lot of positive qualities, one of which I am trying to put to good use by launching a business (even though now is probably not a good time to do that) but I still don't FEEL positively about myself or my situation.

On some level, I know this is Depression talking to me, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

If any of you have experienced this, how have you dealt with disappointments and/or lack of self-confidence? What has been helpful to you?

[lynniehyde]

I had a lot to think about today. I've had a lot to think about a lot lately.

I put this blog entry together just now, and I know that blogs are not typically well read around here, but I am very interested in seeking feedback from anybody willing to give me some.

In addition to dealing with the varieties of disappointment I've had, I'm currently in the process of trying to figure out what the heck to do with myself. I don't really feel like I am making substantive progress with my life right now. I feel like there is a lot more holding me back than pushing me forward, and I'm really struggling with trying to find a way to allow me to be more productive and feel more positively about myself. I know that I have a lot of positive qualities, one of which I am trying to put to good use by launching a business (even though now is probably not a good time to do that) but I still don't FEEL positively about myself or my situation.

On some level, I know this is Depression talking to me, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

If any of you have experienced this, how have you dealt with disappointments and/or lack of self-confidence? What has been helpful to you?

It isn't the diapers holding you back. It's your own perception of how others feel about your desires. When you can feel comfortable about letting a select few know about your feelings, it will become easier and more freeing for you to be comfortable in your own skin. Depression is a hard thing to deal with. But if wearing diapers makes you happy, where's the harm? You may find that if you let others know about the way you are, you will build a whole new network of friends, who have no problem with it and even embrace you for being yourself.

Been there, done that.

Cuddles,

--heidilynn

[underwhere]

The diapers really isn't the problem for me, but it IS likely that the lack of social relationships I have in my life is a contributing factor. That's a whole separate issue regarding trust and safety and all of that good stuff that I tangle with every day while trying to do whatever I can to "protect myself from harm". I feel like I constantly live a little "on edge" because of my disability issues. Failing to do so would likely be foolish for me as I'd be a pretty good "sitting duck" for somebody looking for somebody else to take advantage of.

At the same time, though, I'd like to find some way to break through this block I seem to have. I don't like feeling so disappointed with so many different things, most of them being outside of my control.

[lynniehyde]

The diapers really isn't the problem for me, but it IS likely that the lack of social relationships I have in my life is a contributing factor. That's a whole separate issue regarding trust and safety and all of that good stuff that I tangle with every day while trying to do whatever I can to "protect myself from harm". I feel like I constantly live a little "on edge" because of my disability issues. Failing to do so would likely be foolish for me as I'd be a pretty good "sitting duck" for somebody looking for somebody else to take advantage of.

At the same time, though, I'd like to find some way to break through this block I seem to have. I don't like feeling so disappointed with so many different things, most of them being outside of my control.

"Never no worry", as one of my taekwondo masters used to tell me. You will find friends, if you're willing to seek them out or let them find you. Lonely can be endured. But, it's not forever. As far as being a "sitting duck"? I doubt that's the case. You seem far too intelligent to let that happen. Trust is important in any relationship. But, don't let that scare you off from exploring. You'll never know what you might find.

Cuddles,

--heidilynn

[Baby Bethany]

I may be wrong, but it seems you are focusing on the negative things about yourself and your life, rather than the positives. Hey look, we all have things we don't like about ourselves, or things that haven't worked out right, or things we should have done different. But if you only choose to focus on those things, well you'll just end up depressed.

Why don't you sit down and make a list of the good things in your life and a list of the bad things, I'll bet the good will out number the bad. You can then think of ways to focus your energy on the good things, i.e. use your strengths, rather than dwelling on your weaknesses. Lastly you can look at the bad things and think what you can do to change them.

Good luck

Beth

Reflect upon your present blessings - of which all men have many - not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.

Charles Dickens

If you can meet with triumph and disaster, and treat those two imposters just the same.

Rudyard Kipling

[redneck diaper boy]

If you think you are suffering from depression, go see your doctor. Anti-depressant medicine helpped me to get my head together after a nasty divorce. You will not have to stay on the medication forever. I dropped the meds after 3 years.

I had a lot to think about today. I've had a lot to think about a lot lately.

I put this blog entry together just now, and I know that blogs are not typically well read around here, but I am very interested in seeking feedback from anybody willing to give me some.

In addition to dealing with the varieties of disappointment I've had, I'm currently in the process of trying to figure out what the heck to do with myself. I don't really feel like I am making substantive progress with my life right now. I feel like there is a lot more holding me back than pushing me forward, and I'm really struggling with trying to find a way to allow me to be more productive and feel more positively about myself. I know that I have a lot of positive qualities, one of which I am trying to put to good use by launching a business (even though now is probably not a good time to do that) but I still don't FEEL positively about myself or my situation.

On some level, I know this is Depression talking to me, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

If any of you have experienced this, how have you dealt with disappointments and/or lack of self-confidence? What has been helpful to you?

[Vic]

One thing that I do, is that when I'm going into a situation or somewhere different, I try not to have high expectations. If your expectations of things are too high you will always be disappointed, because things don't live up to them.

Try to be flexible my man, take the good with the bad, and always keep an open mind. You can work most situations into a structure that is easier for you to handle, so don't give up on things. There is always a new day, and a new opportunity with every new day.

Peace,

Vic

[sarah_ab]

so this might sound a little harsh.. and you know what underwhere, given that we have talked numerous times in the chat room, you seem to need harsh.

You need to stop focusing on your disability. You have had it for many many years now but have yet to develop any coping mechanisms for it that I can see other than constantly telling everyone how hard you have it.

So many millions of people live each day with disabilities far more disabling than you. They cannot walk, or talk , or feed or dress themselves, they are incapable of getting out of bed on their own, or of working at all, or even of typing on a computer.

You can do all of those things. Given how long you have had this disability it seems you would either have developed the appropriate coping mechanisms you need to move past your 'safety' issues, which are no worse than a person has no vision or hearing at all, or you would have employed an aide to go places with you to make sure you were safe.

All i hear is that you basically complain. You do not seek support or advice, because everytime someone gives it to you, you have 19 different reasons why their advice wont work.

You need to stop living life as a disabled person and start living life as a person. You need to understand that you have it so much better than so many people in the world,

You say you are depressed and you dont want to be, but whenever someone suggests something for you, you have anothe reason why you cannot do that.

Everyone has safety issues everyone has trust issues., everyone has issues, you are certainly not the only one with these issues, but you are so wrapped up in your own misery you cannot see outside yourself. Until you learn to accept that yep.. you've got this thing that sometimes makes certain social interactions hard, but its not the end of the world, you are going to stay in the rut you are in.

I may get flamed for this post, and i may have a lot of people think i am a cold unfeeling b*tch. But when you've worked with people who are so disabled the only way they cannot communicate is sticking their tongue out for no, and smiling for yes, and have no control over their body, but they still go out, have friends, go on vcacations and enjoy life, then its a lttle bit upsetting to see someone who has so much ability in life, and yet all they do is focus on one little negative thing.

If you want things to change underwhere, YOU and only YOU can change them, there is no magic cure to make your life better, and no one else can do anything to make it better for you.

[bluedot]

Going to have to agree with sarah_ab.

If you want friends and want people to be close to you, stop trying to make everyone feel sorry for you.

Stop trying to dump all your problems on other people and start being someone that other people can dump their problems on.

History has proven that the person who gives is far more content and satisfied with life then the person who receives.

Stop begging for attention and start giving attention. I assure you satisfaction, security, and true happiness will follow.

[underwhere]

I'm going to agree with Baby Bethany, sarah_ab, and bluedot. Before I say why, though, I want to apologize. This is not the first time that people have expressed to me that they think I am highly argumentative. The truth is, I am, but until today, I never really understood why. I had an individual therapy session today which made a lot of this much clearer to me.

The root cause of most of my issues seem to be related to trusting people, or not as is more correctly the case for me. In general, I find it very difficult to trust people. Even when I seek out advice and feedback, I tend not to trust the people who respond and the responses I receive. This has everything to do with ME, so I hope nobody will take offense, and if I should do it again in the future (quite likely, probably), it would be okay if you just wanted to say something like, "underwhere, it's your trust issues getting in the way again." I really do need to figure out how to more properly address this, but here is was seems to be going on:

I ask for suggestions or feedback. Because I find it very difficult to trust people, because the combination of my prior experiences and the specifics of my particular disability make it difficult for me to trust people since I often don't know who I am trusting, both literally and figuratively, I tend to discount the feedback I receive. In turn, other people tend to not take me seriously or mistrust me. Trust is a two way street, so if there is only trust running in one direction, eventually, both parties will suffer.

Because I'm not trusting the feedback and suggestions of the people giving it to me because I am not trusting the people in the first place, through no fault of theirs, I discount them. Since trust breeds trust and mistrust breeds mistrust, this is the beginning of a series of events which make it very difficult for people to trust me. I get stuck in this cycle of mistrust, which is not conducive to creating and cultivating social relationships.

The situation with my mother is no different. In some very fundamental ways, because of the nature of our present and past relationship, including things I wrote about in my blog as well as things I did not include there, there is substantial trust lacking on both sides. Some of that lack of trust is warranted, but much of it is not. Nonetheless, because I find it difficult to trust people at the outset, even my own mother, and because she is worried about my personal safety because she doesn't trust that I will be able to take care of myself, until we can resolve this whole trust issue, it seems unlikely I will be able to get myself out of the predicament I described in my blog satisfactorily. In some ways, it's almost like she is saying to me, "I want you to have the world at your fingertips....well, every part of the world except for this one, and only on these conditions." and I am saying in return, "I am not willing to accept conditions. It's either my way or the highway." These two opposing viewpoints are going to clash, and no satisfactory result is likely when set against this premise.

The crux of it is that I have to find ways more effective ways to learn to trust people, and thereby allow them to trust me. If I can't, as is the current situation with my mother and the current situation with most of the people I encounter in my day-to-day life, I may be at a permanent impasse. That work has to come from ME, though. I have, as of this moment in time, no idea how to solve this, but at least I know where the real problem is now. It's not really about me convincing my mother of anything, or convincing any of you that you are wrong. (In fact, you are quite likely right on many of the suggestions I have been given.) It's about me learning to trust other people at least as much as I trust myself.

This will be very difficult for me because trust itself is very difficult for me, but if I hope to succeed in my relationship with my mother as well as my relationships with other people, it is a very necessary stepping stone for me to learn to take. I never learned to do that properly as a child because I had so many challenges to overcome, both social and cognitive, and I realized that it was far easier to NOT trust people than to trust them and be forever disappointed, either by them or by myself.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that. I hope it might be as enlightening to others in learning about me as it has been to me learning about this today. I hope I've managed to express this in a way that makes sense to others.

[Guest refridginator]

i'm right there with you on the trust factor. disabled, no. but i don't relate to people easily anymore... i haven't related to people for years honestly. however, i'm turning it around with a positive attitude and with forcing myself to be social, active, giving myself things to look forward to, and finding a purpose in life. you can't really live without those things. i suggest just to keep it simple, don't analyze things in such a way it makes you miserable fearful and dillusional... and just fuckin do what you feel like if you're in tune with yourself.

[curiositykilledthecat]

I feel ya bro if you want to change then you have to train yourself to change your direction of thought. It ain't easy but is doable. Trust me I've dealt with depression in the past and occassionally it tries to creep it's ugly head up and again. There are situations, experiences and things beyond our control that will affect us negatively, however you can control how these situations move/motivate you. Paret of my ability to snap out of depression was from going to Bible school and really developing my faith, but alas other christians tend to be a source of my frustration, not intentional but people are people. I was doing fine for a few years and recently things have been awkward, namely because I've been diggin into my past trying to figure out why I have this fetish and why I am the way I am. Of course I have since come to terms with the fetish but I have had to explore negative personality traits and personal hang ups i have de to my past. I am bery distrusting and have a hard time fitting in around people and therefore despite having friends almost always feel lonely, but again I recognize this and therefore game plan around it. I stop myself before getting into a pity party or trapped. I ,ake the choice to change directions, focus on good things, step back and analyze my life. I'm much like you where I feel so unaccomplished at this stage in the game. As a teen this would cause me to not to try, but now I use it as fuel to make something of myself, I look at where I am now compared to the past and hang on to where I want to be in the future. I went back to school to make it happen, maybe you need to do that. Formulate a plan and create a goal or vision for yourself. I am completely useless at fixzing things or being mechanical and I like sports and entertaining so a communications major was ideal for me. Take what you like and find a way to apply it.

Okay sorry about my big wall of text, I'm almost done. Stop letting your parents dictate your behavior. I love my parents buyt they fucked up royally, my father has asked for forgiveness and I have forgiven him, although he is still an asshole. My mother is the biproduct of my insane grandmother(long story) so I've forgiven her but it doesn't mean that everything magically goes away. Of course they don't know about my fetish, but some things are best left unsaid. You have to choose how you will let things affect you. We don't have complete control but we can at least utilize negativity as a driving force if we recognize it. Regardless of the path you choose, best of luck to you bro and I'll pray for ya.

[Guest dl_aslee]

Sounds like you big problem is no social contact. I am not very good at expressing and talking to people I do not know well, I realize this and that it takes me a long time to make good friends. So even though up until a year ago I had really one best friend and we had known each other 11 years I really only felt totally comfortable and felt like he was good friend for the last 3-4 years. We went to raves a lot and I didn't care when he was not doing drugs every weekend or more, but I decided I could no longer be friends with him when every single weekend even if we were not at a rave he was doing x/acid/dxm/musrooms. Luckily I had a group of friends who I hung out with sometimes but were more acquaintances more then anything else.

So I am slowly becoming friends with them, they usually have weekly dinners or some other get together that I go to and interject some things, but do a lot of listening. It has been about two months and I'm just really warming up to them and feeling that I can hang out and what not without there being some get together.

So what I'm saying is don't expect to know these people fast, but just slowly get to know them, since most who don't have a social anxiety tend talk a lot more and you can just listen a lot and then speak your mind as you get comfortable with them. And friends don't need to know everything about you, I have different friends that I like doing different things and who know only a certain side of me. Knowing all about each other is reserved for best friends, who take the good with the bad of you, I just could no longer be friends with my best friend when the bad part of him was almost all he was anymore.

[timmyc]

Hey, get rhythm when you get the blues

Hey, get rhythm when you get the blues

Yes a jumpy rhythm makes you feel so fine

It'll shake all the trouble from your worried mind

Get rhythm when you get the blues

Little shoeshine boy never gets low down

But he's got the dirtiest job in town

Bendin' low at the peoples' feet

On the windy corner of the dirty street

Well, I asked him while he shined my shoes

How'd he keep from gettin' the blues

He grinned as he raised his little head

Popped a shoeshine rag and then he said

Get rhythm when you get the blues

Hey, get rhythm when you get the blues

It only costs a dime, just a nickel a shoe

Does a million dollars worth of good for you

Get rhythm when you get the blues

Well, I sat down to listen to the shoeshine boy

And I thought I was gonna jump for joy

Slapped on the shoe polish left and right

He took a shoeshine rag and he held it tight

He stopped once to wipe the sweat away

I said you're a mighty little boy to be-a workin' that way

He said I like it with a big wide grin

Kept on a poppin' and he said again

Get rhythm when you get the blues

Hey, get rhythm when you get the blues

Get a rock 'n' roll feelin' in your bones

Get taps on your toes and get gone

Get rhythm when you get the blues

-- Johnny Cash

[timmyc]

That song has zapped me out of some funky depressive moods. Basically what I am trying to say is what you are feeling in your head can be very powerful, making the best of any situation will force positive energy through your whole system. We can not control everything around us but how we think and act can have a profound effect on who we become.

[depends4me]

Your first problem is that you think too much. No, I'm serious. I've had some down periods in my life where I lacked direction, work, money, friends, and maybe more. Perhaps there was some depression involved, too, although I've never been diagnosed or treated. But I had bills to pay and eventually rolled up my sleeves and did the hard work that needed done. I'm mostly fine now. Your second problem is that you have a very cozy support system, which doesn't give you any incentive to act. If you were suddenly (for example) homeless or without some of these systems, you would stop analyzing your every move, pick yourself up, and take those first steps. Regardless of how you feel, you are an adult. Unless your residence is more a prison than a home, they can't dictate your comings and goings. (Well, I suppose they might not let you back in, but again, I think it's this kind of environment that's keeping you from getting on with your life.) Start taking charge, and start using your gift for argument. But in the end, make sure it results in actions and not just words.

My suggestion: right after Christmas (or sooner if you like), get a job. It doesn't have to be anything professional or long term. If it ends up being a string of short-term jobs, that's fine, too. Just get something. I know you used to work retail, so maybe a job in a small store? It will get you out of the house and interacting with other people, and I think it will do your self confidence a world of good. It will also give you an income, which will help your independence. When you're feeling better about your situation, then maybe that's the time to start shopping your resume around again. When you go to an interview, the human resources person will take note of your confidence, instead of your self doubt. Please say you'll do it. Your situation is only going to change when you wake up one day and say to yourself that you've had enough.

(BTW, I was going to say this in private chat instead of publicly, but I see you're offline. From reading your posts and your blog entries, you strike me as one of the most open and honest people I've ever met....so I hope my own bluntness isn't out of line.) Good luck and take care! And perhaps we'll chat again sometime soon?

[underwhere]

refridginator, forcing myself to be more sociable is just ridiculously uncomfortable for me. I manage to get by with what I can only describe as an Oscar winning performance in the role of "social faker". Sometimes, I handle this better than others, but I am severely hindered in this regard by my specific disability. It's really difficult to interact meaningfully with people that I neither literally nor figuratively know. Also, your suggestion that perhaps I need to find some purpose in my life, I do feel like this is definitely lacking right now. For a long time, I was heading the process of creating and cultivating an online community for people with my specific disability. While I engaged in that, I felt it was a very meaningful part of my life. Now, however, I no longer have that same level of interest or desire in continuing to do that. I sort of feel like I've been wandering around a bit like a lost soul ever since. Part of the reason I am exploring my interests in s&m/BDSM and this whole AB/DL thing is because I have had interests in both for nearly as long as I can remember. I guess I've been sort of hoping that some purpose would be revealed to me through these explorations. I've learned a great deal about myself, but I have, so far, accumulated no "purpose" as a result of these explorations.

curiositykilledthecat, I can change my direction of thought, but I also seem to need some motivating force to change it, and as depends4me wrote so well, I really don't have a strong enough motivating force at the moment. This was actually something I touched on in my last therapy session with my mother as well. I really don't know how to change that. I seem to be at the whim of other people making all of my decisions for me, ranging anywhere from my mother to the recruiter who presumably determined (correctly) that my personal confidence is completely shot at the moment. Partly because of that, I am trying to launch my own business so I can be my own boss and economically accountable only to what I hope will be satisfied clients, but now is a rather rotten economic time to be doing that.

dl_aslee, the thing is that I don't need a lot of social contact, but I do need MEANINGFUL social contact. That is quite a problem for me since I am seeking out relationships which can be meaningful to me on a fairly deep level. "Acquaintances" don't work for me. (My disability issues make it very difficult for me, if not impossible, to carry on conversations with people in-person based upon previously established tidbits of personal information or other smalltalk. While I can usually remember the information, I rarely ever remember who the information applied towards.) Because deep friendships are based typically on the accumulation of many such social tidbits, and because I seem unable to accomplish this type of relationship building without the assistance of the other person, and because most people are either unwilling or unable to take the time to allow this process to work a bit smoother for me (and I do ask for help here), I find myself having very few meaningful social relationships, but those I do have are very deep and I cherish them.

timmyc, I agree that a lot has to do with how we think and act with regard to our situations. I wish there was some way I could find to feel more positively about myself. The challenges I have faced so far have been enormous, and sometimes, I can't help but ask if the battles have truly been worth fighting, and continuing to fight, given the challenges and the almost certain failure I feel is likely to happen. (Yeah, its that whole "changing my attitude" thing you were just discussing.) I've become very jaded. Honestly speaking, the usual "getting to know you" social approach that many people seem to take in order to get the kind of deeper social relationships I am looking for, those don't work for me. Being online is a social equalizer for me because my disability doesn't effect any of my online interactions. Because of that, I am much MUCH more comfortable interacting online than I will ever be in person. Still, there is only so much that online can replace person-to-person interactions. It is a valuable substitute, but it is nevertheless only a substitute. I find myself longing for more in-person social encounters, and yet nearly deathly afraid to initiate them. It is far easier for me to observe and/or join in than to initiate a social encounter with somebody. Even so, there is still the expectation that other people have that I will recognize and remember them. Because I can not meet those expectations, and because few people remember that I can not meet those expectations despite my trying to tactfully weasel such information into one of the first conversations I have with people, I feel like I am destined to never be able to achieve very many of the only type of relationships which are at all socially meaningful to me. This is not a new collection of thoughts to me, and I'm sure it is a significant contributing factor to my depression.

I wish there was some way I could alter the circumstances I find myself entwined in. I'm convinced that my depression is based around these circumstances. I'm also convinced that the reason I find it so difficult to alter my mindset about this stuff is because I do not believe there is anything I can do independently to change these circumstances.

I've been looking, unsuccessfully, for a job for a very long time now, though admittedly because of my depression, I quit looking for several months in between at some point. I am now looking again, but I am having no better luck. I seem unable to convince people doing the hiring of my potential value to their business. As I wrote already, I have no personal confidence these days, and these people can all tell that.

I've undergone several personal mindset changes in my lifetime, and each one has been very radical all by itself. Some have been positive, while others have been severely personally destructive. Maybe I'm trying too hard to look for the proverbial silver bullet, but I feel like I've long since lost my path along the road of life, and I really don't know how to find it again.

Maybe I am thinking about it too much, as depends4me suggested, but I can't imagine how I can make any changes by not thinking about it, but I can't see how thinking about it helps either. I feel so stuck.

[Guest dl_aslee]

Wow I didn't realized about the cognitive disability. This would be a very hard thing to live with as we are all social beings, who want human contact, which this totally disconnects you from having most the time.

Also I am betting a blind or deaf person probably carries on socially better then myself. Deaf might be a bit harder as not everyone knows sign language. At least you have a fully functioning brain that allows you to make social connections through what you hear or see depending if you are blind or deaf.

I know you have lived with it most of your life and so probably have seen lots of people about it, but is there maybe someone who is a specialist your disability? I guessing you probably have already seen someone, but just in case you had not.

So basically it sounds to me that you either have to be fully into the water or totally out. So all I can really suggest is get over those fears and jump off that high board into the pool. As not everyone will be understanding and such of this disability you just have to do this many, many times until you find that social contact you are looking to get, don't get disappointed, just keep doing it and I would think with experience it would get easier for you to make social contact. It is the old saying if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Certainly puts a diaper fetish and anxiety disorder in a different perspective. In comparison these seem easy to deal with living with them. LOL, so went and saw Yesman, sounds like you need to be one rather then a noman.

Sounds like you need to say yes to opportunities rather then no, which keeps you from living life, though I do assume that is hard to do when you don't have social contacts who present you opportunities to do things. Hopefully this has in some way helped you, just running ideas as I can only imagine what it is like to live without being able to remember who people are and what sort of connection I have with that person.

[sarah_ab]

under i'm going to say this again because although you said you agreed with me and other people, yet still all i see you doing is making excuse after excuse after excuse.

Everytime someone offers you advice you have something else that will get in the way.

At this point this post seems not so much you looking for help, but you looking for attention.

If you want to change then stop whining about your life and use what you do have,but at this point all i see if a desparate plea for attention, and instead of doing positive things to get that attention, you are using your disability.

Having a disability, physical, mental, learning, behavioral. . . it sucks... big time. but under you are certainly not the only person with a disability... but you seem to think you have it worst than anyone.

You dont.

[curiositykilledthecat]

ROFL... Unbelievably harsh, but funny. I love you sarah, the brutality is awesome.

Your response is why I don't lioke psychiatry, it doesn't treat r cure a condition it allows or rather advocates making esxcuses for ones self. I watched my bi-polar, drug bausing whore of an ex(seriously she sleeps with anything, I pray for her dog. Mind you I didn't sleep with her, part of it was my faith and other is first time needs to be special) use her bipolar and depression as an excuse to not quit doing drugs or hold a job or deal with her cheating lifestyle. She broke up with me to knock boots with a kid joining the millitary and then when he left she cheated on him and ran to the shrink because she felt bad. no shit you retard you're suppossed to feel bad. Instead of telling her to deal with it they justgave her more drugs. It made no sense to me to not actually deal with an issue or make a person deal with a problem.

I'm sure not all of psychiatry is that way but from what I have seen I'm not impressed. Had my own awkward moment though. I had her hat one my head which had cat ears on it and I was talking about getting so angry that I want to hit something as her shrink waked by. I laughed and said "This doesn't look good, does it" The shrink laughed and said no.

[underwhere]

dl_aslee, specialists don't exist for something quite so quirky. There are some highly respected people in the field now, some of whom have only been there a few years, but anybody worth their salt would never dare call themself a "specialist" as there simply hasn't been enough research and information published about it. That is changing in large part due to my own advocacy work, but other than a few footnotes in a textbook along with a very brief discussion, the only thing most people will read about or hear about, if they are lucky, are some of the articles some of us have written or contributed toward being written. Unlike a few years ago, I can often talk about it now and people will say to me, "Yeah, I heard/read/saw something about that somewhere." In fact, just today, somebody recognized me from an article I had contributed to a local/national daily paper about 2 months ago. (It's printed nationally and globally in several local versions, and is a free daily paper.) The more information that gets out there, the more people will know about it, and I've done quite a bit towards that end of advocacy work myself, something I'm very proud of. However, that doesn't change how I feel about social interactions in general. Also, your comparison to being blind or deaf is a reasonably valid one, if only because those are things other people can relate to in a more tangible way. So-called "partial disabilities" have a rather nasty habit of not being taken seriously by the masses because people who have them tend to come across as "seeing what they want to see", as in my case when I can actually recognize somebody in the right context (rare, but it does happen), or "hearing what they want to hear", as in the case of a person with Central Auditory Processing Disorder or any of several other cognitively or physically based hearing difficulties. A blind person or a deaf person will have accomodations made for them because of their usually highly visible difficulties. Somebody like myself is pretty much forced to advocate for myself. I do a pretty good job of that, but as I've tried to get across in this whole thread, there is only so much I can do without significant help from other people along the way, and I've come to determine, as a general rule, that I can not rely upon that help being there.

I have to disagree with the basic premise of your last reply, sarah_ab. I DO have it worse than other people, heck, worse even than other people who have the same disability I have. I know this because I've been involved in a large collection of cognitive testing for various research purposes, and the data gathered from my participation concludes that pretty clearly. One researcher went so far as to tell me (which wasn't at all a surprise to me given the difficulty I had with a specific test) that it was the worst he had seen ANYBODY perform on that specific test. Unless I am able to build up a good rapport with somebody (and that usually takes either a very long time or the other person being a saint), I am, quite literally, at the whim of other people to initiate social contact with me lest I should, yet again, introduce myself to the same stranger I spoke with not two minutes previously. I compensate the best I can, but my compensation skills as far as recognition goes are absolutely horrific. Socially, all I ever hope to do is manage to get by, and do that as quickly as possible fearing a social gaff in the process.

I'm not saying any of this to seek attention, much as you seem to surmise. I'm saying it simply as a collection of facts. I've tried to present my situation as clearly and concisely as I can (believe it or not, I HAVE been concise here), and obviously, people are interpreting into it things I am not putting there. Am I frustrated? Yes, extremely frustrated! Have I tried some alternatives? Yes, I have, though probably not all of them. Being online has been a hugely successful alternative for me, because it gives me some of the social contact I am seeking on an equal social playing field, but it only goes so far. You are all real people, but I'm not really there with any of you, and certainly not on an emotional level, with rare exception. That is not how I want it to be, but it is the best I got.

I have a pretty clear sense of what will work for me, because I've had a long time to learn how I work as a human being. I've also had a long time to learn that most people, heck even on this board it seems, will not take me seriously enough to offer meaningful thoughts or suggestions. Heck, I'm not sure I'm even looking for suggestions. I'm honestly not sure anybody can give me any which will be workable for me. I understand it is difficult for people to grasp the full magnitude of my social difficulties. The closest I can come to describing it is this: You walk into a room of identical octuplets, each wearing exactly the same clothing. You've been directed to enter this room and give a message to the one named Sally. For some reason unknown to you, everybody can identify and differentiate these identical octuplets except for you. How do you find Sally? There are workable solutions to this problem, and I employ many of them, (because I am always walking into a room of "identical octuplets") but none of them are at all socially graceful. Not only do I have to worry about how I come across to me (how it effects my personal jitters and self-confidence), but also how I come across to other people. While I can't control that, the impression that I leave based upon my interaction will, I can be sure, effect me for a long time down the road, not to mention cause me a near panic attack in that specific moment for myself. Needless to say, I would refuse the original assignment of finding Sally if given that choice.

So why the heck did I post this in the first place? Maybe I was hoping that people here, because the AB/DL lifestyle is itself marginalized in society to a certain extent, would be just a little more understanding to my situation than most other people would. Perhaps I was wrong to make that assumption. Count me as having learned my lesson.

curiositykilledthecat, psychiatry has undergone some major changes in the last 50 years or so. Do some research and read about it. It is by no means a perfect science as it has its faults, but that does not make psychiatry a bad science. It just means there need to be people who can better apply its principles (those believed currently to be applicable anyway, lest we REALLY SHOULD forget Freud, Bettelheim, the whole Church of Scientology movement, among many others who have led to disasterous consequences for many people) more narrowly to be more helpful to people. I've been lucky in that my therapists have, as a general rule, been very good and helpful. It's not there job to solve problems though, only to help me solve problems on my own. My problems are very complex, and there are many of them, so it takes time to deal with them all appropriately. "How can I relate to people in a meaningful way?" has been a centerpiece of those discussions for years, in fact more than half of the years I have been alive, because the truth of the matter is that I find it difficult to relate to strangers in a meaningful way, and because of my disability, most people are strangers to me. There is no easy solution to this short of letting people know about my circumstances (most people either aren't willing or can't take the necessary time or forget I even had such a conversation with them) or socially faking it, hoping nobody will outright call my bluff when I make a nearly inevitable social gaff. One gets real good at avoiding social gaffs by choosing not to put oneself into situations where that is likely to happen, but we all know that avoidance is almost never a good solution.

So I'm not avoiding any of this stuff, but I still have no positive way to address any of this independently in a way that is at all meaningful to me, nor do I believe I have a reasonable chance of achieving success independently in the process. All of this together is why, as I wrote in my original blog which started this thread, I do not feel like an adult. Honestly, I need significant social help (as opposed to practical everyday "give yourself a kick in the pants" kind of help which is what I seem to have gotten here), but perhaps this is not the place to seek that.

On that note, I will abruptly end this post. Saying anything more would likely degenerate into sarcasm, something I have been trying to avoid since it rarely, if ever, communicates one's meaning very clearly.

[Baby Bethany]

The thing is Underwhere, most people in general want to meet or make friends with people that are positive in their thinking, I mean I for one like talking to people that give me a lift. I don't know you, so I don't want to judge or make assumptions about your character, but you strike me (through this thread anyway) as being a miserable sod. As I said, I may be wrong and you may well be a happy go lucky type guy. However, my first impression is that you're a grump who spends your time whinging about your misfortunes, rather than being thankful for and working on the things you have going for you. I'm sorry, but nobody will want to make friends with someone like that.

I'm not saying this to be rude, but seriously we all have misfortunes......it's part of life. Some of us have more misfortune than others. But trust me, you are far luckier than countless millions of people in the world. Sometimes things go against you, and then next time things will go in your favour......this is how it works. But in my experience, you sometimes make your own luck and this doesn't happen by complaining about your lot on a chat forum.

You're a young guy with with lots of things going for you........address the problems, and move on.

Beth

[Bettypooh]

Underwhere, I have to agree with those who say that you're often a big part of the cause of your own problems. I was a lot like that myself until I learned about the way I did it in therapy I'm facing a very high chance of dying from colon cancer, one of the worst ways to check out from this lifetime. My back is deteriorating so rapidly that at best I will become disabled before retirement age. I am in debt way past my ears. Some days the pain is exquisite indeed. But some days are good. I might get my debts paid off before I lose the ability to work. My back might not fail as fast as they seem to think it will. I might not get colon cancer. I'm not overjoyed with my life but I'm happy overall because I refuse to let the negatives drag me down. I hate how it feels when that happens and if I let it, it will happen So I don't let it. That's the attitude you need to seek and embrace.

I've come to the conclusion that whatever purpose I was put on earth to do has probably already happened. Yet you have a purpose, you said so yourself. Stand yourself up as the educator and advocate for your medical condition. Just because people like you are rare doesn't mean that they don't deserve a spokesperson, an advocate, someone who can and will make sure they aren't 'swept under the rug'. Use that purpose as a positive in your life and cling to it. Decide that you are going to do whatever you can to help others like you and do it. None of us here can do it because we don't know what it is like for you. From what you say, you do a pretty good job of that Believe that you are worthwhile because you are, I can see that much in your posts and replies here. Decide that you're going to keep on trying no matter how much or how many times you feel like you're not getting anywhere. And don't think that you've got a worse case of life than anyone else. At least you know where your next meal is coming from. At least you know you'll have a roof over your head next year. At least you can come here online for support and friendship. Maybe it doesn't seem like a lot to you right now, but at least half of the people alive today don't have even that much going for them and never will. The only thing I can promise you is that you will never begin to feel better about yourself until you make it happen. That won't bring you a 'nirvana' but it's got to be a better place than the dumps you feel like you're in now!

We're really all on your side rooting for you here, even those who might seem critical of you. We all want you to be as happy as you can. But we need you to add your efforts so that it can happen because we can't do it alone. We can't do it for you. Will you try? Please?

Bettypooh

[sarah_ab]

I have to disagree with the basic premise of your last reply, sarah_ab. I DO have it worse than other people,

justa few simple questions

can you control the movementof your body?

Can you comunicate your needs clearly through speach or other sign?

can you dress yourself?

can you walk unaided?

are you dying, other than the'we are all dying' sense?

are you in excruciating physical pain every moment of every day?

can you remember your own name, phone number, address?

can you use the restroom when you need to, regardless of whether you wantto or not?

can you control the words and sounds that come outof your mouth?

can you control the movements your body makes?

can you move your arms and legs freeling and willingly?

can you understand what is going on around you?

UNDER GET OVER YOURSELF AND YOUR MISERY!!!

I find it insulting that you think you have it so bad. How many people on this board do you think are so physically handicapped they can't walk on their own, or dress themselves, many cannot evengo to the bathroom on their own and you are bitching because you can't see faces.

a little perspective cango a long way, but the fact that you are so wrapped up in your own misery you cannot see that, is not a sign of depression its a sign of selfishness.

If i had to walk into that room with all eight people looking alike i'd just say "excuse me, i have a message for sally" and if she didn't come forward, i'd say "which one is sally?" but in most cases sally would say "oh thats me"

yes this may sound harsh.. but i'm fed up... i wont post in this topic anymore, because i find it a desparate plea for attention and pity.

[Guest refridginator]

refridginator, forcing myself to be more sociable is just ridiculously uncomfortable for me. I manage to get by with what I can only describe as an Oscar winning performance in the role of "social faker". Sometimes, I handle this better than others, but I am severely hindered in this regard by my specific disability. It's really difficult to interact meaningfully with people that I neither literally nor figuratively know. Also, your suggestion that perhaps I need to find some purpose in my life, I do feel like this is definitely lacking right now. For a long time, I was heading the process of creating and cultivating an online community for people with my specific disability. While I engaged in that, I felt it was a very meaningful part of my life. Now, however, I no longer have that same level of interest or desire in continuing to do that. I sort of feel like I've been wandering around a bit like a lost soul ever since. Part of the reason I am exploring my interests in s&m/BDSM and this whole AB/DL thing is because I have had interests in both for nearly as long as I can remember. I guess I've been sort of hoping that some purpose would be revealed to me through these explorations. I've learned a great deal about myself, but I have, so far, accumulated no "purpose" as a result of these explorations.

hey man, no one said you were gonna like everyone you meet. i personally hate everyone outside of my life, even though i talk to them and be polite and make conversation and get to know them. eventually i can tolerate some people and even become friends with them. trust me, i force myself to be social. i don't like it and it's inconvenient, but it gives me a sharp, clear, and directional mind after a long eventful day of spending time with people outside of my circle. it helps me get motivated and helps me live through the next few days.