The stain on the sheet...

[dribblez]

For those of you of a squeamish disposition, this is not what you think it is. It's worse, much worse.

 

 

 

After five years of 24/7, I have been wetting at night on and off for about two years. It has gone from once in a blue moon to a couple of times a month to where I am now, which is 3 or 4 times a week. 

 

 

 

I woke just before 5am as usual, thinking I was dry, but a quick feel down there told me otherwise. Warm and swollen.

 

My wife always slumbers on for at least two hours as I go about my morning routine. Coffee, a crossword, a depressing scroll through Twitter, cleaning out the log burner, laying the breakfast table, bringing in the firewood and then a shower and nappy change.

 

It's usually at this point that the love of my life emerges to face the world. With a face like thunder, she asked me if I knew I had pooped the bed.

 

No, I didn't. In fact I was sure I hadn't. My bladder control might be slipping, but you could set your clock by my bowel control. I briefly thought of showing her the inside of my nappy, but a quick glance at my wife told me that would be a very bad idea.

 

So I went to examine the crime scene. Ther was indeed a large brownish streak, about 3 inches long. At about the point where my chest had been.

 

A closer inspection showed a lot of debris in the surrounding area. An even closer inspection showed what looked like legs and a mangled body.

 

At some point in the night I had clearly snuggled up to what by British standards was a large arachnid and crushed it, mashing its mangled remains into the bed sheet.

 

Confronted with the evidence, my wife concurred and went off on one of her favourite rants about the number of spiders in her house.

 

Despite a frenzied assault with a battery of stain removers and a wash, the stain remains visible, if somewhat faded.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[rusty pins]

Sounds like it's time for the Orkin Man.  Spiders do help control insects, but if you are crushing a spider that big while you sleep and your wife is complaining on how many are in the house, time to get rid of them.  In my case, my diaper would have been clean in the morning when I woke up but that surely would have changed in a hurry the minute I found out I had crushed a huge spider that was crawling in bed with me.

[Moochie]

I guess it's better to have a squished spider than a diaper blow out and poopy bed. Lucky you didn't get a spider bite, and lucky you didn't leak. All in all, a good morning, you should buy a lottery ticket, if you have a lottery in G.B.

[Cute_Kitten]

Well that certainly is better than a pooped bed. And more unusual! Luckily the spider didn't bite you as someone already said. And good thing it wasn't a poisonous spider! 

?️

[Little BabyDoll Christine]

1 hour ago, Moochie said:

I guess it's better to have a squished spider than a diaper blow out and poopy bed. Lucky you didn't get a spider bite, and lucky you didn't leak. All in all, a good morning, you should buy a lottery ticket, if you have a lottery in G.B.

I think there is someone here who would strongly disagree with that

[oznl]

Look on the bright side.  You live in the UK where arachnophobia is kind of hard for me to understand.

Go to bed with a spider in Australia (where arachnophobia is actually a really good evolutionary idea) and there may well be a considerably more dire outcome.

[drynot]

I suppose a squished spider is better than a poopy bed.  I'm certain I would've woken up if I had felt a spider crawling on me as it has happened to me a couple of times before.  I also recall having a couple of messy accidents at night where I ended up with stained sheets.  Thank god for mattress protectors.