Another one of those nights again.

[Little Cub Pants]

I'm having another one of those nights again where I just wish I could be out of my body. I swear to God I just wish I could stick a fork in my neck and call it quits! Sometimes I feel like I would do anything to not remember this shit show that's my life. The pain and the rage is unbearable at times, especially on nights like these! Dear cerebral palsy, I REALLY fucking HATE you! All you've done is fuck up my life! I can't sleep, I'm too goddamn angry right now. And I'm sad!?????

Granted, I don't want to leave you guys! But I also don't want to be stuck in this useless meat suit. It's nights like tonight that I just really hate everything no matter what! I just really wish I could go tell life to just go fuck off!????????? I might add more to this, I'm not sure yet! I just needed to blow off some steam!

[DailyDi]

I'm so sorry you are struggling right now! I can offer only HUGS and good thoughts!

[Rachael-Little]

Prayers for you, life is hard for most and because of your condition it’s probably worse, but just remember life is a gift from God,

We may not understand why certain things happen to us or why we are born certain ways but we must do our best.

Gods blessings to you 

[Little Cub Pants]

58 minutes ago, Rachael-Little said:

Prayers for you, life is hard for most and because of your condition it’s probably worse, but just remember life is a gift from God,

We may not understand why certain things happen to us or why we are born certain ways but we must do our best.

Gods blessings to you 

Thank you I really appreciate that. And I know you mean well, but honestly I have a bone to pick with God. I don't like him, to tell you the truth I HATE him. I just want to scream at him. I really really really do NOT like him. I feel like I had to struggle my entire life just to exist. But anyway, big hugs to you my friend!????♥️??☺️?

[Rachael-Little]

5 minutes ago, BabyJeggySpideyBoy said:

Thank you I really appreciate that. And I know you mean well, but honestly I have a bone to pick with God. I don't like him, to tell you the truth I HATE him. I just want to scream at him. I really really really do NOT like him. I feel like I had to struggle my entire life just to exist. But anyway, big hugs to you my friend!????♥️??☺️?

You know what in my belief and faith in God, He understands your frustration and not liking him but it does not change His unconditional love for you.

I wish I understood why others suffer as you do and some don’t but I’m not God, I just have to trust He knows what’s best 

[Little Cub Pants]

22 minutes ago, Rachael-Little said:

You know what in my belief and faith in God, He understands your frustration and not liking him but it does not change His unconditional love for you.

I wish I understood why others suffer as you do and some don’t but I’m not God, I just have to trust He knows what’s best 

Well, it looks like I don't have a choice. I hate my body so much! Sorry for being so negative, it's just kind of leftover from last night.????

[feralfreak]

God loves you, i know its hard to see it, but he does or he wouldnt have created your soul. no one really knows why we have issues in this world that are like an elephant weighing us down, CP for you, autism for me,(one thought is that its from satan to try to draw us from God, in which case just by staying in the faith, we kick him right in the nuts and defeat the devil) and i couldnt begin to understand what you are going through, we have this world so filled with things that poison us that we shouldnt have made use of(as a society, not the individual), any number of things could have lead to you having this dispicable condition, as an example tylenol in relation to autism, dont let your condition drive you FROM God, instead i would ask that you use it to draw NEARER to Him, because when your time comes to leave this world i want to see you on the other side, the good side of the pearly gates, it might be the hardest challenge of your life but you can do it. sometimes i get pissed that i have autism, but sometimes i can see it as a blessing because it keeps me from getting in over my head, maybe you could use this to be an example for God and have the pleasure of being used to draw others to him by your example, and earn rewards not only in heaven but during your time on earth too. i can only assume that you feel held down in every aspect of life by this condition, but one thing to remember is that the flesh is temporary, but the soul is eternal unless one is sentenced to the lake of fire. you say you hate your life, i know the feeling, i HATE mine too, i pray for God to take me daily, but its important to not go before our times, until then, talk to him, you can shout at him, call him a son of a bitch and what he will hear is "Father i need you, help me". He understands all things, incuding your feelings, ask Him to help you deal with this, He will not leave you or forsake you, He loves you because you are His son.

 

edit:

after i clicked send it was brought to my memory one instance from a long time ago, a mother had a baby, after a while sadly that baby passed away(it happens, especially with SIDS which is basically sleep apnea for babies), the mother was understandably FURIOUS with God, BUT she remembered where her child was, with the Father, and she wanted nothing more than to be with her child when her time was up, she powered through and when her time is up, she will be with that little one again. you can power through, you are strong enough to not let this block you from your faith in Him,

[~Brian~]

22 hours ago, BabyJeggySpideyBoy said:

Thank you I really appreciate that. And I know you mean well, but honestly I have a bone to pick with God. I don't like him, to tell you the truth I HATE him. I just want to scream at him. I really really really do NOT like him. I feel like I had to struggle my entire life just to exist. But anyway, big hugs to you my friend!????♥️??☺️?

@BabyJeggySpideyBoy

there are times that I have that type of problem in my head too my friend: you are not alone and there are a lot of us that have CP just like you: I can understand that you have a bone to pick with him - there's been times that I wish I could figure out why things happened the way they do, and sometimes I wonder why I have cerebral palsy and why somebody else doesn't. My brother Richard was immobile, nonverbal, and had to be taken care of just like a little baby. He could not talk or anything like that, but he could make noises, and we had to make sure that we understood what those noises meant, so we could respond to his situations as needed. I sincerely feel that the reason that I am in the position that I am to day is because God wanted me to have compassion and empathy for others that have disabilities, because then I can understand exactly what they go through. I do understand that and I do have empathy and compassion, and I also have sympathy because I know exactly what that feels like.

For example: the other day I had to go get a shingle shot: you being 27, won't have to worry about that for quite a while. Shingles is another variation of the chicken pox virus, in fact it's the same virus that causes chickenpox. However, shingles causes a hell of a lot more trouble, because you can have probably I'd say about five of these little pustules or a 5 inch long rash of some sort, and it hurts and burns and itches like hell : you have to deal with that, and it would cause major problems if you're not sure how to . From what I understand, you do not want shingles, so they make it very clear that you need to have the shot at 50.  They say you don't have to have it again for the rest of your life , but we will have to see about that.

they also say when you're 50 you have to have what they call a colonoscopy: this is where they check to make sure everything in there is healthy and that you don't have any polyps or anything like that.  I will have to go see the doctor in approximately 2 to three weeks to see how this will be done, and I want to be admitted to the hospital, because all you will be doing is pooping like crazy. They want to make sure everything is out of there so they can see what's going on when they stick a camera up your **** to make sure everything is OK. I think I can convince them of the fact that it'd be easier for me to be admitted so that if I have to have BM, they can help me clean up a bad one, as they want everything out of there to make the procedure work the best.

And if you are in my position and you have a compromised immune system or you are compromisable, they want you to have the pneumonia shot probably in your 30s. If you were not in that position, you would have that shot at 65. I've already had my first pneumonia shot and that's only a one shot deal, and I'm glad that I have the pneumonia shot because I have asthma really bad, and having breathing problems makes it worse sometimes. I've had both of my COVID shots, and one booster and according to my medical charts I need another booster, so I'll have to talk to the doctor about that one as well. I also wanted to talk to him about my medicine regimen so that I have exactly what I need because as you age deal with a lot more pain. My parents would always whine and complain that I'm telling them that I hurt, and call me a wimp every once in a while Colin I can tell you Jesse we know that we're not a wimp, and we deal with a lot more stuff than anyone could ever understand, unless they've been through it. You and I are tough in the way that we work because we don't let or we shouldn't let things get to us, however they do and sometimes you get really depressed and I can understand you having a bone to pick with God right now.

Now if I may: my pastor told me one day, and I'm not sure which pastor it was because we've had at least three since my tenure began at the thrift store in 2009.  He told me and I quote " God does not give you a challenge that he does not believe you cannot handle"  no one ever said that life was going to be easy, and I'm kind of glad that my parents instilled in me that you have to try hard and do your best to get what you want. I'm glad that my parents didn't baby me and protect me from the entire world at least, because now I understand what it is expected of me, and they taught me how to do things that most people take for granted: how to eat, how to dress, how to walk, how to talk, how to respect people, how to take turns, basic stuff: they give us the basics and unlike some people, they have to give us more assistance because we may not get what somebody else may understand in school or we might not be able to be as mobile as others, or we may not be able to deal with situations that others can. Regardless of what happens, the world gives us challenges, and you can either look at a challenge and say: this is a challenge, let me look at it, and you may look at it and look at it for hours, and then say I think I might be able to do this: and then the next thing you know you take the challenge on: it might be daunting or it might be difficult, but if you can make your mark on the wall and move forward you will always be better for the experience.

I am sure there are many of us here on DD, that have had challenges that may have seemed insurmountable are undoable: challenges that might seem ridiculously difficult. You might not be able to complete the challenge all the way the first time, and it's OK to fail, it's OK to cry, it's OK to say I need help, and it's all up to you. If somebody says to you: hey Jesse how do you solve this humongous algebraic quadratic equation: you say what the hell: I don't know what the heck you're talking about: go ask another person. In this situation you have been asked to deal with the challenge, and you have rightly declined it because you don't know how to do it. That's another thing that we always have to learn is there's always somebody that can do it, sometimes better than us, so we have to know when we should throw in the towel.

Sometimes we doubt God, or we don't know what God expects us to do: my pastors have told me that God sometimes will answer your questions or your prayers immediately, or he may take longer to answer your prayers, or he may not answer them the way you think he should. The thing here is that he always answers your prayers, it might take him some time, or you may be struggling for awhile, and then something opens and you are able to complete it, or do something that you thought you could never do.

Let me tell you a story: when I was about 10 years old, I was still crawling around on the floor and using my Walker and crutches as my primary mobility age. I was still able to walk very well at that point, but I could never walk without those devices, but crawling was not an issue and 90% of the time was the easiest way for me to get into spaces where others could not. I had a friend and his name was Paul: Paul and I were real good friends and he wanted me to do my best and anything that I did, and he treated me like a stepson even though he wasn't my stepdad. He treated me just like anybody else would, but he also knew that I had disabilities and that I had some issues that he took into account.

He helped me with my exercises for years, and then one day when we're sitting in the dining room, he says " hey bud: I have an idea: get up and walk across the room for me"  I get up and go for my crutches: he says no: you're gonna walk across that room and you're not gonna use your crutches Colin I tell him what? There's no way I'm going to walk across this room without my crutches I could never do it: he looked me right in the eye and he says Colin bud you are gonna walk across this room and you are gonna succeed and if I see you fall I'm going to pick you up and I'm going to put you back on your feet you're going to do it again. With his help and encouragement I stood up Cohen I then proceeded to walk at least 14 feet from one end of the room to the other. He stood by the hot stove so I would not hurt myself I tapped him on the wrist he helped me turn around, and I walked my *** all the way across the room and sat down: this was the very first time in my life at approximately age 11 where I actually walked across the room at least 35 feet without walkers crutches or any other assistive devices other than my braces on my legs.

Yes Sir you just heard me say that I walk across the room without my assistive devices without any help other than someone who is going to pick me up or someone who was a bounce support, but I walked across that room, and I loved it. When I finally got done, and this was on a weekend, I did it for my mom at least twice, and I'll tell you my mom was very happy with me. I turned to my friend Paul and I turned to my mom and said " I want to call doctor Malloy and doctor scollins"  these were my orthopedic surgeons and my pediatric specialist. Next morning, we called doctor moe's office we spoke to both Dr scollins and doctor Malloy and I told her that I walk across the room without my Walker and without my crutches, and my friend Paul was there, to verify everything I said, and I felt like I was on cloud 9: I had a challenge that I was given, I thought I could not do it and I sat there and said there is no way I was gonna do that, and I did it.

I can tell you from experience my friend that God has always been with me. Some people don't think God helps them, some people might not know God very well, some people might not like him, people might not understand him, but he is always there. He's always there to talk to, and I don't think God would be very upset with you if you told him that you hated him, and you had a discussion with him about things in life. I've had discussions with God myself saying stuff like God why the heck am I like this? Why the heck do I have to go through so much hell? Why is school so hard for me, and a whole bunch of other questions that make me angry or made me angry at the time because I could not do exactly what my friends do. God came back to me and said in so many ways " Brian, you are not like everyone else, but I will help you do as much as you can, so that you can be similar to your friends, but you are special and you will always be special, and whatever you set your mind to you will succeed at: no matter how hard it is, no matter how long it takes, you will have challenges just like everybody else, and your challenges may not sound like challenges to somebody who is good at what you were having trouble with, but you will succeed don't give up!"

I'll also tell you a little secret: right now my legs are killing me:  however, in a few moments I will try to get up again and I will move around so that they don't bother me. You may not be able to do this, but that doesn't mean that you can't do something you want to do. It just means that it takes you longer to do something or you have to do something in a different way. Whatever happens, don't let the pain that you are experiencing inside override your internal programming: you are successful Jesse: you might not know it, but you are 27 years old, and you are more able to do what you do now, then when you were two years old: you may not have the resources that some people have, but remember you will always have the ability to make decisions and the ability to decide when you're going to do something or what you're going to do, and as long as you do it the right way, you should have no problem period let me rephrase that there is no real right way: you do it the way you wanna do it, and you make sure that you have people around you that believe in you and say that you can continue to do it. I had a friend for example who told me she was studying for a test: she said I'm so scared I'm gonna fail that test that I'm gonna fail that test I'm gonna fail that test and I'm gonna fail that test. She kept on saying she was gonna fail Colin I said Nope I wanna hear you say the following: and I told her she was gonna pass that test she was gonna pass that test she was gonna pass that test! Then I told her to repeat it and every time she told me she was gonna fail I told her that I had her friend in college I would say Nope you're gonna pass that test you're gonna pass that test I don't wanna hear that you're gonna fail you're gonna pass.

She goes I don't know about that but I'm gonna fail the test I said you're not gonna fail that test you're gonna pass"  I had a friend in college that used that same strategy when I told him that I was not going to pass a particular exam that I needed to be able to pass so I could get my associates degree and go from my bachelors. I needed to pass this class to make the jump. So I was really nervous, and I'd already withdrew from the class once. Everybody was behind me: the test administrator, the teacher, my roommates, my dormmates, they were all behind me. And you know what? I passed that fricking test and I am tenacious, I wanted that test to be so positive, that I was like pushing that idea in my head all day. It was so awesome: the instructor came to my dorm knocked on my door and then walked into my room knocked on it I turned around and here he was, and he said Brian you passed that test congratulations, and I almost literally fainted on the ground!

So, I know what it feels like to be in a situation where you think God stinks, and you think that he gave you a bad deck of cards. He gave me a deck of cards too Sir, but what I have to do is I have to keep shuffling the deck, hoping that someday good things happen. For the most part they have, I am an uncle to many nieces and nephews, I make successful business owner, I am a successful son, brother, cousin, friend and regardless of what negativity that I hear from, I always try to turn it around or to ignore it. You have to take the negative that you end up dealing with and finding a way to dispose of it. This does not necessarily mean that it is not something that you have to deal with, because you have to, but don't let negativity and bad things ruin it for yourself because all that's going to do is run you into the ground, and you will be in a worse condition than you are now.

believe me: having cerebral palsy is not the best thing that can happen to you calling but you can make it the best thing if you take it by the horns, and run with it. Being from Texas, you probably understand what I'm talking about: you have to take this disability by the horns and you have to direct it. You direct it as much as you can, and you deal with your downfalls and things that happened to you inappropriate manners. If you have control of your disability, it we'll have less control of you. I mean, there's gonna be times where you're gonna hurt like crazy, and you're not gonna be able to control that pain, unless you do something about it such as take medicines. However, if you have a good strategy to be able to deal with almost anything that comes your way, then you are in control of your disability even when it doesn't seem like you are. As I told @Kawaharu (she is in the Coast Guard auxiliary) she is the captain of her ship, and she's the one doing the driving, and she is in control of what she wants to do, what she wants to wear, where she wants to go, what she eats, you name it she is in control. No one, other than her first mate or her exec is going to change the course of that ship without letting her know about this change in course.  You Sir are in control of your control stick: you can make that chair go anywhere you wanna go, do almost anything that it can do for you, and you can make decisions as to how you want to proceed, what you want to do, and how you wanna get there. That does not necessarily mean that you can do it all yourself, because you may need help to do it, but if you do it right, having cerebral palsy can be managed, and you can live the best life possible. I even have a friend that's disabled right now, and he has his diploma from high school, has associates, his bachelors, his masters, and guess what: his PhD! That's right: a PhD: and this guy is disabled just like us: he is professor as well, and has written a few books period this guy is an amazing example of what you can do if you put your mind to it, and I'm not saying that you should try to go out and get your PhD, but what I am saying is that you can take a bad situation and make it into something that's a good situation. By doing that, you have control of your disability, even though it might think it has control of you. I know you want to be comfortable, and there are certain things that you probably want to do, do as much as you can do at your age, and don't let your disability get you down. You only get one shot at this Jesse, and I know that you're talking about going home to Jesus someday, but don't give up and throw the switch yet Cohen life is not fair, but you can always make it fair if you put your effort in. You have to give your effort, and remember there may be times when you wanna give up, or you feel bad, or whatever. These are times that you would probably want someone around you that would be a positive reinforcement. I know life sucks sometimes, because I've dealt with it myself, I've lost many family members that I love very much, I've lost my brother who I love very much, and I've also made stupid decisions that I regret, but life moves on and one of the things that I learned is once you make a mistake you learn to move on, or you learn from your mistake so it doesn't happen again.

This does not mean that you become scared and not wanna do it! It simply means that you have the ability to recall when you made a mistake, and you always remember it, but you can succeed and you will succeed, because at 27 you have a lot of life left, and you can help others understand what it is like to be in your shoes and in your wheelchair, just like I can tell people what it's like for me to have to deal with what I've dealt with. God sometimes deals you a rotten hand, or a hand you think is rotten, but from what I understand God never gives you a challenge he doesn't think you're able to handle: I think you're pretty awesome guy Jesse, because from what I see you know where you've been, you know where you're going, and sometimes you worry about how you're gonna get there, but please understand having a disability is no picnic: they don't tell us in the book that we won't have an issue, or we won't spring a leak, or we won't **** on the floor or we won't do something else, but as long as we give 110%, regardless of what that is, or give our best effort we will always succeed, because even if we fail we can pick ourselves up off the floor and try again. If you have the right people around you to instill this in you, then you are all set, but I'm telling you right now I'm one of the ones who is going to help you instill that in your head: you will succeed and you will make your mark on the world, you might not understand that now, but you will do your best

Take Care jesse!

Brian