Melissa's Meltdown

[diapernocturnus]

Great story and i'm looking forwards to more.

Though what i'm guessing is a typo through my brain in a loop for a moment should that be "Mary asked" not Melissa asked

On 6/17/2022 at 10:16 PM, DLJeff52 said:

“I would like to see Melissa…um, Missy…and just check in with her.  Is it ok if I swing by later this morning?” Melissa asked, knowing that if she could see Melissa she would be able to tell just how “comfortable” she was interacting with people that had just one day ago been strangers.“
 

 

[DLJeff52]

Chapter 8:  A Walk in the Park

830am, Saturday

Before getting in the shower, Tammy texted Mabel about the call with Mary.  She quickly summarized the traumatic experiences Missy had faced growing up and the struggle with wetting that had ensued through middle school before ending with the fact that Mary was going to swing by in a couple of hours.  Mabel took it all in with a myriad of emotions; heart-broken after hearing about all that Missy had been processing, empathetic to the wetting struggles that now seemed to make more sense and also excited at the prospect of helping this poor girl who seemed increasingly to be a source of joy for Cammie!

The walk had been relatively uneventful.  Missy hadn’t spoken much but had taken her spot next to the stroller as Cammie just sucked on her binky, enjoying the daily stroll through the park.  A couple of people had commented on how “cute” Mabel’s “grandkids” looked with Mabel just accepting the complement, and Missy, who was somewhat accustomed to being mistaken for being younger than she was, just chose to ignore it all.  Walks are a perfect example of an activity where distractions can be put to bed and the mind has time and space to catch up on life’s events. Sometimes this is a blessing, but other times it can expose a pain that has just been shielded from the surface by “busyness” or life itself. 

The reality was her latest wetting incident had opened a vault in Missy's mind that she had desperately tried to seal shut.  Missy had been a different person before Mark, and for as much as high school and her relationship had put emotional distance between the events of elementary and middle school, her mental dike had sprung a leak and a flood of past hurts seemed increasing imminent.  There was, of course the pain of rejection from her breakup with Mark.  Missy had never had nor lost a boyfriend, so the joy and security that came with being in a relationship now tasted like the emptiness and insecurities that came with losing that “first love.”  Just below the immediacy of that sadness lurked the bigger pain of her mother’s divorce years ago and the anxiety that had plagued her through eighth grade.  For the moment, her mind was able to hold back the remembrance of embarrassment and anxiety she had faced with wetting and messing herself through 8^thgrade.  Defensively, her mind was fogging up, prompting her to almost shut down and just mindlessly put one foot in front of the other.

It wasn’t until they had reached the far side of the lake that Missy felt a rumbling in her tummy that alerted her mind she was going to need to go #2.  She didn’t know what to say, because normally she just would have gone and found a bathroom and relieved herself.  

“Mabel, I think I need to use the restroom,” she instead felt an obligation to let Mabel know.  Part of Missy was proud for declaring she needed the restroom, showing she had control of her bodily functions.

“Oh, that’s fine sweetie, there’s a restroom just around the corner.  Why don’t you just go on ahead and we’ll be waiting outside,” Mabel encouraged, finding it a little odd that Missy had already seen Mabel as a caregiver or authority figure that she needed to ask instead of just independently using the restroom.

Missy quickened her step, feeling both the padding on her bottom and the rumbling in her tummy with each stride.  She was glad she was able to finally exert a little independence and saw the restroom building ahead.  Almost skipping up to the facility, she went to open the door only to find her arm stiffen as she pulled; the door was locked.  As if in denial, she jerked and pulled several times trying to open the door, but to no avail.  Mabel saw her struggling and came up with Cammie in tow.

“Missy dear, what’s the matter?” Mabel quickly ascertained that the door was locked.

“It won’t open!” Missy almost screamed as a young 5-year-old might, oblivious to anyone else in earshot and stomping her foot in frustration.  On the door was an “out-of-order” sign that Missy had not seen, but Mabel quickly read. 

“Honey, the sign says it’s out of order…I’m sorry, but you’ll just have to hold it until we get home.”

Panic overtook Missy’s face.  A quick flash of failing to “hold it” gripped her mind’s remembrance, nearly parlyzing her body.  She was ten at the time and had been sitting in the dentist's chair having her teeth cleaned when a similar urge had befallen her.  She had tried to get the technician’s attention, only to be told that the more she squirmed, the longer it would take and that they were almost finished.  Missy had tried desperately to hold back, but her anxiety had only served to accelerate these matters at the time.  Just as the last buffing was finished, Missy’s rectum had let go, unleashing a warm stream of mess.  Fortuntately, but embarrassingly at the time, Missy’s mother had required her to wear a pullup, not due to previous messing incidents, but in light of the wetting struggles that had been plaguing her daughter.  The smell, however, was quick to loft to the technician’s nose and while the mask shielded her full reaction, the eyes told Missy everything she needed to know.  

“The restroom is just down the hall on the left,” the technician had told her as she undid her bib and hurriedly went to find her mother.  Missy felt the now squishy and warm pullup against her bottom as she leaned forward to get out of the chair, a final amount of mess finding its way into the pullup as she stood.  No sooner had she made it to the restroom than her mom came barging in, face flushed red.   

Mabel immediately became aware of the fear overtaking Missy, her eyes suddenly distant and her face suddenly pale.

“Now, now, it’s going to be ok honey, we’ll just start heading home now.  And it’s ok, if you can’t make it, at least you have your pullup on so don’t worry, ok?”  Mabel soothed Missy with her words and rubbed Missy’s back as she leaned over to help calm the girl.  Mabel’s soft encouragement was the exact opposite of the anger and disappointment her mother had shared in the dentist’s bathroom.  Missy cringed at the remembrance of her mother having to wipe her clean and put on a new pullup while chastising her for not asking to use the restroom.  As Mabel resumed her stride toward home, Cammie just sat clapping her hands in the stroller oblivious to the stress unfolding before her.  Seeing Cammie’s oblivious reaction to the crisis unfolding, Missy’s mind redirected the anxiety to a wishful thought that she, too, could just be sitting without any worry of the humiliation that came with messing herself in public.

The walk home was at a quickened pace, well, as quick as the elderly Mabel could afford, which wasn’t nearly as fast as Missy needed.  Unfortunately, even the slightly elevated pace seemed to aggravate Missy’s condition even further.  Occasionally, she would have to stop, almost crossing her legs and trying to squeeze to keep her stomach from exploding into her pullup.  Her body began to sweat, and her mind began playing those games with her.  With every step, there was a louder cry from her body that she was going to let go, even though a portion of her mind also tried to convince her body to just hold on.  Somewhere in that equation, the mind also had remembered that at least she had a pullup on, so it wouldn’t be as bad as messing her pants.  That proved to be a dangerous strand of thought, as it gave the mind a reason to abandon the struggle earlier than it might otherwise have relented.

Miraculously, Missy held on all the way back to the apartment parking lot.  As Mabel unbuckled Cammie from the stroller, Missy moved quickly up the stairs toward the apartment, each jarring step bringing her one inch closer to messing her pullup.  She grabbed the door to enter, but it was locked as well.  She knocked as hard as she could, begging Tammy to let her in.  Tammy, however, was in the shower and didn’t hear the trauma unfolding outside.  

Mabel came huffing up the stairs with Cammie, taking her key from her pocket, she came up to the door to let everyone in.  Missy was now legs crossed, hands on knees bending forward in her last attempt to keep everything at bay.  The door cracked open and Missy half-ran, half-spotted down the hall to the bathroom.  Her body was ready to release, if she could just make it another 10 seconds.  She grabbed the door to enter, and yet again found another door locked.  

“Nooooo!” Missy cried as her sphincter finally released and her pullup instantly began filling with a growing warm sensation around Missy’s bottom.  She froze with fear and humiliation as her legs somewhat instinctively spread and her pullup began to expand.  Missy was about to fall onto her bottom, but her mind kept her from doing that, the compromise being she took a squatting position like a catcher for a baseball team.  Her bowels emptied, Missy just lowered her head and began to cry.  Cammie had been placed in the playpen and she now watched her playmate suffer for reasons that she couldn’t comprehend.  Mabel came up alongside of her just as Tammy opened the door from having showered.

“Oh dear, what happened?!” Tammy asked, shocked to see Missy hunching in the hallway.   Then the odor wafted up to everyone’s nostrils, and it became clear what had happened.  Catching their breath, Mabel and Tammy eyed each other, mindful of the conversation that Tammy had had with Mary and determined to make good on their promise to help Missy experience nurture where she was feeling shame.  

“Well, my goodness,” Tammy began, “that must have been quite a walk!  Time for everyone to get cleaned up!  Here we go Missy, let’s start with you.  Now come on, let’s get this all taken care of…we have a lot of fun things to do today and need to get you ready!”  

Missy paused her sobbing.  Did they not realize that she, an 18-year-old girl, had just messed her pullup?  Why were they not chiding her or acting surprised or shocked?  Why was this seemingly being treated as just not a big deal?  Missy felt a hand gently grabbing her elbow to help lift her up.  With her head still down, she shuffled forward as Tammy gently led her into the bathroom.  

“Now I know you can do this on your own, but it’s no problem if you’d like a little help,” Tammy offered, understanding that they were suddenly in a challenging place, but wanting it to seem as nonchalant as possible.  Missy desperately wanted to say that she could do it, but she also didn’t quite know what to do.  Taking the pullup off would likely result in her "bottom mess" falling out.  Should she let it fall out in the shower? Was she expected to wipe it off over the toilet?  Her mind began to shut down, the past now fully flooding into her present mind, leaving her feeling like the small child that had been equally paralyzed in the dentist’s bathroom.  

Sensing the fear, Tammy continued, “Well, you are in luck because I’m a nurse and deal with things like this every day, so no worries.  Let’s just have you lie down here on this shower matt, and we’ll get you all fixed up and then you can rinse off in the shower, ok honey?”

Missy, though utterly embarrassed, found her body just comply, relieved that someone was taking charge of the situation.  Without real awareness, she lowered herself onto the shower matt on the floor laying her head back, both closing and covering her eyes as she sobbed; too ashamed to even make eye contact with the outside world.  Missy turned beet red and rolled her head to the side.  She couldn’t believe this was happening, her mind replaying the nightmare of her mother’s yelling and changing her in the dentist’s bathroom prevented Missy from hearing Tammy rip of the sides of the pullup.  Her body was too numb to even notice the wipes attending to her bottom, Missy feeling like she had been literally transported back in time to the dentist’s bathroom.  Tammy’s voice finally broke the silence.

“There, that’s better, now how about a warm shower to relax and clean off before we get you dressed for the day, ok?”  Missy felt Tammy holding her hands and helping her to her feet.  She felt the summer dress fall back down and once again saw a little girl in the mirror.  This little girl looked confused and a little afraid, but then Tammy turned once again to provide direction and encouragement.

She pulled Missy forward and gave her a huge hug.  At first Missy had her hands out awkwardly to the side, but as she felt the secure warmth of Tammy’s embrace, she let her hands wrap around Tammy, even if she didn’t really “return” the hug.  This time she didn’t care where her hands landed, it just felt good to be held. 

Tammy then pulled back, again leaving both hands on Missy’s shoulders.  She lowered her head to make eye contact with Missy, “It’s going to be ok, Missy.  You are safe here.  Everyone here is on your side!  Just try and relax and let’s have a good day, ok?” 

Missy nodded her head, tears still rolling down her blushed cheeks.  How was it possible this woman could be so tender when Missy was feeling so ashamed and confused?  What was the catch?  There had always been one in life, but could this be different?

Missy stepped into the shower, yet again, and soaped off her body as she reflected on her latest accident. The movie of her past continued to play unabated, recalling how when they had returned home, her mother had taken her into the master bathroom (the only shower they had in the house) and showered her off, making sure she was as clean as could be.  

“Little girls need to wear pullups and diapers if they can’t stay dry and clean, so from now on we will just need you to wear those full time,” Mary had decided.  Missy couldn’t even argue and only felt more waves of anxiety and fear overwhelm her as she imagined trying to navigate school and anything social with pullups or diapers. 

Standing in Tammy’s shower her mind juxtaposed her earlier memory with what had just happened.   A replay of her pullup filling up in Tammy’s hall and the sensation of her bowel pressure just fading away as she squatted, helplessly letting it happen anchored Missy deep in the present as she stood in the shower with the water hitting her body. 

In that present, though, was something very different. Tammy and Mabel were helping her as if none of it was a big deal at all.  She was trying to identify the feelings she was having because as naturally as her body wanted to scream out in shame, Tammy and Mabel just seemed to take each thing in stride, caring for her and comforting her no matter what.  

For a moment, the shame subsided and in its place was a growing sense of peace that she would be ok; that no one else was shaming her for these accidents, so why should she?  After cleaning herself off she turned off the shower and was about to get out when she noticed a razor and shaving cream on top of the towel that Tammy must have left for her.  Turning the water back on, she lathered up her legs and underarms, shaving them as she normally would and thankful to remove the three day stubble that had begun to grow.  

Pandora’s box now open, a new memory jumped to the forefront.  At twelve, when the first sign of pubic hair had begun to make an appearance, Missy’s mother had chided her that as long as she was wearing diapers (pullups by then were a thing of the past), she would need to keep her body baby smooth.  As if somehow possessed by the past, Missy was once again cloaked in a powerful shame.   Each time the past found new ground to replay in Missy’s mind, it seemed to take her deeper into the shame and pain of her childhood experiences.  In this state, her mind went into autopilot, flashing visuals of her baby smooth past and almost robotically taking control of her body now, as if it was back in the shower at the age of 12.  Five minutes later, the end result was that Missy emerged from Tammy’s shower baby smooth and heavily laden with the past clouding her vision of the present.  As she stood drying off, she didn’t see clothes anywhere, but instead a note resting on the counter.  

Missy, I hope the shower helped you feel better!  I happened to hear from your mom again this morning and in the course of our conversation, she told me about some of the hardships you have faced with your parents’ divorce.  I know it’s really not my business, but Missy, I’m very sorry for the hand life has dealt you in that way.    

Mabel has taken Cammie over to her place to watch some cartoons for a bit.  As I mentioned, we, and I do mean we (Mabel, Cammie and myself) would LOVE for you to continue with us through the weekend and hopefully into the research program.  We aren’t sure exactly what that would look like, but it would definitely involve all of us working together for each other, not just for one personal goal.  For as much as we selfishly would love to have you join us in this process, we also want you to do what is best for you. Naturally, you alone can make this choice and please know we respect your decisions. 

Your mom is going to swing by in an hour to see how you are doing.  I hope this is ok, she mentioned she couldn’t stay long, and I really believe she just wants to come make sure you are doing ok.  But knowing this is a “surprise” to you and may perhaps add stress, I wanted you to give you a heads up.  Also, since she is coming, I thought maybe you’d want the chance to re-evaluate if you’d like to stay the rest of the weekend or go home with your mom.  I can imagine how the last day may have been a trigger for you, and just want to make sure you know you are free to choose whatever may help you best today.  

I thought it might be best if you make your choice without any more influence on our part, so I’m out running some errands and you have the place to yourself for a bit.  Your mom said she’d be over in a couple hours, just before I head out to work at noon.  I’ll be back before then but wanted you to have some space.

If you decide that all this is too much and you’d like to head home, simply go ahead into my bedroom where you’ll find your clean clothes and car keys.  Just text me and I’ll create space for you to wait for your mom and you guys can head back home together.  If, though, you’d like to stay and at least finish out the weekend, then head back into your and Cammie’s room where you’ll find more instructions.  

Truly, Missy, we wish you the best and are happy to journey some with you, but also respect that this is your life to live!

With Love,

Tammy

Missy read and re-read the note several times, having to put both her hands on the bathroom counter to brace herself as her body felt weak and her mind raced with so many different thoughts:

I can’t believe my mom is coming over….

I don’t know if I can take another rerun of wetting and messing myself….

What did Tammy mean she and Mabel wanted the best for me? 

Could I really face my mom right now?

Would I rather be home or here right now?  

Do I really need to decide this?  I hate decisions!

Did she really mean to say, “my and Cammie’s room?”

I don’t think I could survive another season of dealing with wetting and my mother…

What kind of instructions was she referring to?

[Babytom948]

good stuff

[kerry]

I really like this piece. At core, it's a variation on a common theme, but the characters are so sweet and likable!

[DLJeff52]

Special thanks to @kerry for her comments and edits!

Chapter 9: Floodgates of the Mind

The human brain can think of several things at once, but if you add five or more things at once, the brain can’t process this many items and naturally begins to shut down.  Without realizing it, Missy was entering shutdown mode.  Maybe it was an escape, or maybe it was her mind trying to offer a solution, but as her thoughts ping-ponged in her head, one image finally came to the forefront:  Cammie sitting in the stroller with her binky, completely at peace and oblivious to anything that was going on around her, grabbing her toes and looking mindlessly at the world that passed her by.  

Missy wanted that peace.  Without conceding a relapse to the wetting remembrances that were now unleashed from temporary burial, Missy’s mind couldn’t fathom being at home for a rerun of that campaign with her mother and sister.

And while she hadn’t quite reconciled how to explain or what to do or say when her mom arrived in a couple hours, the idea of extending that interaction any further sent chills down Missy’s spine.  At the moment, trusting Tammy to help seemed less risky that replaying the past with her mother and sister…and for now, that part of her mind claimed authority over a decision.

Missy wrapped a towel around her body and made her way to “her” room to find Tammy’s note, believing that somehow, that was the best road to the peace she suddenly craved. 

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1000am, Saturday

The baby monitor in Cammie’s room had speakers in the kitchen as well as in both Tammy and Mabel’s bedrooms.  Mabel had been sitting on her bed while little Cammie watched Sesame Street, wondering if Missy would choose to stay or return home.  Mabel didn’t know why she felt excited.  When Tammy had explained to her that Missy might be regressing in her behaviors because of the pain and stress she was feeling from some of her past trauma, Mabel’s compassion only doubled.

It had felt like an eternity and Mabel had just about given up, thinking that the prevailing silence could only mean that Missy had decided to return home.  Like the world waiting on some audio from Apollo XIII that it had made successful re-entry, Mabel hung on, but hope was fading.

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Missy entered “her” room and saw a note and several items on the mattress.  Taking the note, she began to read:  

Missy, 

Mabel and I are so thrilled that you have chosen to trust us and to take this journey!  Please remember we are here to help and that, of course, you are free to leave at any time if you prefer.  Now, please walk over to Cammie’s changing table and read out loud the note that you find on the pad.

Missy felt a little like she was on a treasure hunt, but smiled at the encouragement she had just received, feeling like she was in control of this decision and could change when she wanted.  This let her feel even more willing to go along with whatever was next.  Reaching the changing pad, she saw another note, and read it out loud….

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Mabel suddenly heard the monitor come to life, almost making her jump off the edge of her bed.  

“Missy has been through a lot of difficult things in her life….”  Missy’s voice crackled over the speaker.  There was a pause and a deep breath that followed as if Missy might be becoming emotional.  As she continued to listen, Mabel quickly texted Tammy with the news:

“She is staying!”

Missy’s voice sounded a little more choked up, but it continued, “Hard things happen to everyone and take time to process.  Sometimes, we need to be cared for to help us get through that pain.  It’s ok to have help.  Pain is a road marker to healing, but doesn’t last forever.”  

By the end, Missy was audibly holding back from sobbing as she barely finished reading before tears once again streamed down her face.  Mabel knew what she needed to do next and gathered up the supplies and Cammie, getting ready to return to the apartment.

After she finished reading, Missy saw at the bottom of the note a postscript:

Good girl, honey, that was very brave.  We are all one team, and Mabel and I really think that the next step for you today is to just experience relaxation.  Now go lie down on your mattress and you’ll find a sleep mask.  Put the mask on, lay down and try to relax.  Mabel will be in shortly to help you take a nap and rest.  All we ask is that you allow us to care for you today, to clear your mind from worrying and thinking about anything.  Give yourself space to just let us care for you.  It will be ok!

Missy didn’t even think twice, but with tears still falling down her cheeks, she returned to her mattress, lay down and found the mask.  Putting her head on the pillow, she slid the sleep mask over her head.  Missy vaguely heard the apartment door open and close, and moments later she heard Mabel softly talking to Cammie as she put her back into her crib.  Next, the crinkling sound of a diaper pierced the silence, the sound getting closer to Missy as she in her towel on the mattress.  

A tiny jolt of surprise rippled through Missy’s body when she felt something soft at the entrance to her mouth.  While there was a momentary hesitation from the ever-fading part of her 18-year-old mind, the decision-making part of her mind gave instant access to the latex nipple.  Her mouth intuitively began contracting around the nipple, which felt strange at first; a strangeness that was only amplified when a liquid emerged from the tip and filled Missy’s mouth.  The milk tasted sweet with Missy’s body replacing surprise with a gusto to consume more of the warm, yummy concoction.  Tammy’s blend of medicine, milk and honey was sure to have Missy resting deeply in minutes.  

As Missy’s hands found their way to hold the bottle, she felt her towel being removed and a soft voice asking her to lift up her hips.  She complied and soon felt a thicker, soft padding on her bottom as she followed Mabel’s instructions to lower her hips again.  Two hands spread her knees apart and then she felt the folds of the diaper up against her belly and the familiar sounds of diaper tapes being opened and then secured against the diaper that now encased her bottom.  Next, she felt a hand slide behind her back, encouraging her to lean forward.  

Gently taking her bottle away from her, Mabel saw dribbles of milk at the corner of Missy’s mouth before she encouragingly whispered, “That’s a girl, good girl Missy, just relax, let us take care of you just for today.  Now put your hands up over your head…” A pink nightie was slipped over Missy’s head, Mabel helping to get her arms through the straps.  Next some type of necklace was put over her head, and then Mabel encouraged her to lie back down.  Missy suddenly felt the bottle nipple back at the entrance to her mouth, her hands instinctively guiding it back into her mouth.

Watching how calm Missy was as she lay on her bed, Mabel smiled taking a soft blanket to cover Missy’s lower half and watching as the last drops of the bottle made their way into Missy’s tummy.  She removed the bottle and took the binky that was on the end of the lanyard, placing it up to Missy’s mouth.  The now familiar feel of a nipple at her mouth, Missy didn’t hesitate to take the binky in and begin a soft sucking, wishing there was more warm milk, but happy to be soothing herself toward a very deep rest.  The last sound Missy heard was the crinkling of her thick diaper as she turned onto her side, the sleep medicine quickly letting Missy just relax and rest.  Mabel had thought Tammy’s idea to use the sleep mask was brilliant, considering Missy would probably feel awkward having someone put on her diaper.  But between the mask and the milk, Missy allowed herself to be cared for just as Tammy had hoped.  

After getting the update from Mabel, Tammy quickly texted Mary to make sure she was in the loop, indicating that Missy would likely be asleep when she arrived, but that she knew her mom was coming and had made the choice to at least finish the weekend.  After Mary texted back a “thank you” with various emojis, Tammy went about gathering the rest of the items she needed for Missy and headed home to coordinate with Mabel before Mary arrived and before she had to go in for her shift at the hospital.  Tammy didn’t know why she was smiling but was thrilled at the prospect of helping someone move through pain.  Maybe this might even help Tammy move through her own pain of losing her husband…but for now the focus was on this little girl who both needed their help and who could ultimately help her own little girl.

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Mabel came back to check on the girls twenty minutes later.  Cammie was asleep on her back, her pacifier having fallen out of her mouth, blanket clutched with her right hand.  Missy had taken a similar position, her blanket having been kicked off, one leg straight, the other bent at the knee.  Her binky was still in her mouth and her arms were off to either side of her head reaching back toward the wall behind her.  Mabel had her fabric measuring tape and quickly got the measurements she would need, careful not to wake either of the girls.  She had to make some estimates since she couldn’t wrap the tape around Missy’s back, but she had done this often enough to have confidence in her numbers.  As she was finishing her measurement of Missy’s waist, she heard a fizzing like sound and saw Missy’s diaper indicator turning from yellow to blue.  

Mabel was unfazed as she saw Missy’s diaper swell full, tilting her head slightly with a “isn’t that the cutest” expression as she stealthily made her way back out to the living room.  

Moments later, Tammy entered the apartment with a couple of bags full of items, one of which had fabric and snaps that she immediately handed to Mabel. 

“Perfect!  I’ll start right away!” Mabel chimed excited that she could put her seamstress skills to work.  

“You’re the best Mabel!” Tammy smiled, heading to her bedroom to drop off the other items and change to get ready for work.  Next, she took a quick peak in on the girls who were blissfully sleeping.  She saw Missy’s full diaper and peaceful face as the sleep medicine continued to do its work.  

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Missy slept deeply, a vivid dream accompanying her rest.  

She found herself in a large stroller, happily sucking on a binky, being pushed through a park.  She looked down and saw a pink and yellow jumper, her legs spread just enough to notice the bulky diaper keeping her from being able to put her knees together.  The stroller reclined gently, and Missy sat back, watching the trees and clouds above dancing in the sunshine.  She heard adult voices coming from behind the stroller, but couldn’t make out the words, as she just mindlessly took in everything around her.

Occasionally, a jogger or passer-by would approach, some looking down to smile and wave at Missy, all of them looking very tall.  Missy could feel herself smile unconsciously every time someone paid her attention. Once, she seemed so excited she even kicked up her legs in uncontrollable joy.  After a while, she saw a hand reaching around the stroller, handing her a baby bottle with milk.  She eagerly took the bottle and pulled it up to her lips, her body anxious to take in the nourishment.  As she sucked hard on the nipple, she was oblivious to the wetting that was flooding her diaper, too fixated on the sweet taste of milk to notice anything else.  

She felt a warmth envelop her and her eyelids start to become heavier and heavier……

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1100am, Saturday

Tammy was dressed in her nurse scrubs enjoying a second cup of coffee when there was a knock on the door.  Mabel and Tammy exchanged a quick glance that shared the unspoken “well, here goes nothing” they both felt in meeting Missy’s mother, Mary.  

Opening the door, Tammy saw a woman who looked aged beyond her years and an appearance that tended to match the gruffy voice she was now accustomed to hearing on the phone.

“Mary!” Tammy smiled and warmly invited Missy’s mother into the apartment.  Normally, Mary carried a more confrontational or arrogant demeanor, but after the last phone call she had had with Tammy, there was a timidity and gentler demeanor in Mary’s gait that even Mary was unfamiliar with.  

Mary walked in and stood awkwardly at the entrance as Mary introduced Mabel, took her coat and invited her to come sit in the living room.  Mabel, in her best grandmotherly fashion, offered tea or coffee, the latter of which Mary accepted.  

“Mary”, Tammy began, “you must be exhausted.  First a night shift, then processing everything, I’m sure you are ready for today to be over, but I’m really glad we have this opportunity to connect.”

“Me too,” Mary was able to utter, surprised at her lack of words.  Normally it would have been Mary dominating the conversation and taking lead, but Mary found herself without the desire or ability to drive the conversation, so she was happy Tammy had assumed that role.

“And thank you for all you’ve done to help Melissa…er um..Missy with the accident.”  Mary paused before continuing, everyone in the room quietly recognizing the double entendre in Mary’s gratitude.  “For what it’s worth, I’m glad it was you that she hit and not someone that would have taken advantage of the situation.”

“Life has a mysterious way of bringing people together, doesn’t it!” Tammy was trying desperately to get through the inevitable awkward first moments of the meeting.   “Mary, I can imagine how strange it must be to suddenly be here with us under these crazy circumstances, but I hope you know we feel very blessed at the way things have turned out and think you have an amazing daughter in Missy.” 

“Thank you, and yes, strange is definitely a good word,” Mary concurred which gave Tammy confidence to continue.

“I can see Missy has an incredibly tender heart and please know that while it was a car accident that connected our families, it’s becoming more than that.  We truly just want what is best for everyone and hope we can be a part of figuring that out as we go.”  Tammy took a sip and caught Mabel beaming in the kitchen giving her a silent “thumbs up” as encouragement.

“After our call, I left a note for Missy letting her know you were coming over and invited her to think about if she wanted to finish out the weekend as a trial run for the research we discussed or if she felt it better to head home.  I ran some quick errands to give her some space to process.”  Tammy paused as she saw Mary’s eyes lift in an inquisitive manner, almost inviting Tammy to continue.  She had intentionally decided not to stress Mary with the fact that Missy had had yet another accident that morning.

“I know she was torn, but I think she wants to show you that she is taking responsibility for her actions.  With all that, she decided to at least finish out the weekend before making a decision on the research.”

Tammy watched for Mary’s reaction, hoping she wouldn’t take the decision as rejection, “Oh that’s very good… I’m glad she is owning this, and thank you for giving her space to decide.”  Tammy and Mabel were both glad that the reaction was positive.  “Where is she now?” Mary leaned forward looking around the apartment.

“Asleep.” Mabel offered from the kitchen.  “We took a walk with Cammie earlier this morning and the girls, well, they’re both napping at the moment.  I think the poor thing is still wiped out from all the commotion yesterday,” Mabel continued coming to sit next to Mary on the couch and putting a hand on her knee in a grandmother gesture of comfort and assurance.

“Oh”, was all Mary could initially offer in response, “Napping?” the words escaped her lips before she had the chance to keep them captive as a thought.  

“I’m sure Mabel’s right, Mary,” Tammy added, “poor thing has had a lot on her plate.  Hopefully the sleep will help her find her footing again.  I will say, though,” Tammy knew this would be the harder part, “She is definitely trying hard to take on the role modeling piece!”

“What do you mean, exactly?” Mary asked.

 

“Well, as an example, last night at dinner Cammie was imitating Missy as she ate and drank at the table.  You could see she was really trying to be a “big girl!”  Tammy provided, her mind quietly acknowledging that it seemed more like Missy was trying hard to be the big girl!  Trying to move the subject along, Tammy continued, “Did you have a chance to look at the research link I sent you?  It talks a lot about the different activities the role model will be asked to play.”

“I just flipped through it briefly, but didn’t look at all the details yet,” Mary offered feeling bad she hadn’t studied up more on the research.

“Well, the research is ideally designed for a sibling, as close in age as possible, to participate with the child that is in the program.  So, in this case Cammie would be the one ‘in the program’ and Missy would be the role model.  They make exceptions for non-siblings, but since they prefer that the modeling be done by someone “as close in age as practicable” to the participant, Missy will be asked to act out, or take on, more specific childish behaviors.   In this way, the research hopes, Missy will be able to connect and influence behaviors that are more associative with two-year-old behavior.  I hope that makes sense.  More coffee?” Tammy stood and went to the kitchen to grab the pot, figuring Mary would need some time to process and hoping the coffee request might soften the shock of the research requirements.

“I can tell you this,” Mabel chimed in attempting to continue the reassurance campaign, “she is amazing with Cammie and has a real knack for connecting with kids.  I haven’t seen Cammie beam with joy as much as she has playing with Missy.  Having helped raise Cammie, it has warmed my heart to see her start opening so much with your daughter.  She is amazing.  What was your trick to raising such a tender-hearted young lady?” 

Mabel’s redirect had the intended effect of taking the focus off of the research requirements.  Listening to Mabel’s question, Mary felt both pride and shame welling up insider her, knowing she wasn’t necessarily the source of whatever compassion and kindness Missy seemed to be showing this family.  

Tammy returned with the coffee and topped off Mary’s cup before sitting down.  Mabel took this opportunity to get up, and quietly walk down the hall.  She figured Mary would want to see her daughter and figured it might be best to “prepare the way.”  She heard Tammy and Mary continue their dialogue as she entered the girls’ room.

Both girls were resting peacefully and Mabel took the opportunity to remove the binky from Missy’s mouth.  She was surprised at the resistance she felt as she did so, but was able to take the lanyard off without waking her.  Next, she took a blanket and covered Missy so her full diaper was out of view.  There was no need to add any more stress to poor Mary than she’d already had to endure. 

Mabel returned to the living room just as Tammy and Mary were getting up.  “Just down the hall on the left,” Tammy was saying, her arm extending in that direction to invite Mary to go visit the ‘girls’ room.

Mary slipped past Mabel and tiptoed down the hall toward the bedroom.  Her heart was racing and she didn’t exactly know why.  As she quietly pried the door open, she saw her Melissa fast asleep on the mattress, a blanket covering her and her head turned away on the pillow.  Mary’s heart melted.  It had been years since she had even seen her daughter asleep and she felt a tear welling in her eyes without exactly knowing why.  Perhaps it was a natural maternal instinct, perhaps it was just all the emotions of the past day coming to a head, whatever it was, seeing Melissa resting peacefully warmed Mary’s heart.  Her own mental vault creaked open, a memory launching to conscious remembrance.

Missy’s second grade had really seen the return of wetting, mostly at night, plague the school year.  At the time, Mary had been under incredible stress for providing for her two little girls, holding down a job and going through the divorce with her husband.  During that season, Mary had a very short wick of patience, and one Friday after she had come home to find Missy standing in the kitchen with wet pants, she had unleashed on her daughter.  It was a classic case of taking all of life’s stressors and daily disappointments out on the “straw that broke the camel’s back.”  Missy visibly shook in shame and embarrassment and instead of Mary being able to provide comfort, exasperation took over, yelling at Missy to go get cleaned up and to get in bed.  

Some twenty minutes and one stiff drink later, Mary had gone up to check on her daughter who had crawled into bed and was curled up with muffled sobs coming from the darkness of her room.  Mary felt horrible and had had to turn away, her own eyes tearing up at having yelled at her little girl, but not being able to give any more in the moment.  

Returning to the present, Mary chose a different course.  She quietly walked over to Missy’s side, leaned over and gently kissed Missy’s temple, quietly asking for forgiveness and grateful that her little girl was resting so peacefully. 

Tammy and Mabel half held their breath, wondering what Mary’s reaction would be seeing her daughter asleep.  Minutes later, Mary returned to the living room, her eyes unable to shield the emotion she had felt.

Dabbing at her eyes, Mary spoke, “Seeing your baby girl sleeping….” Her voice choked up as she tried to push through.  Tammy quickly came to Mary and wrapped her arms around her, trying to empathize with the emotions Mary attempted to verbalize.

“Do you have a pen and paper I could borrow?” Mary asked once they had made their way back into the living room.  Mabel jumped at the request as Mary continued, “I’d just love to leave her a note and, well, texting things just doesn’t ring as true, if you know what I mean.” 

Mabel returned with a pad of paper and pen as Mary began scribbling away:

Melissa,

I swung by, but you were fast asleep and I didn’t want to wake you!  I know you’ve been through a lot in the last day, and, well, actually for a good part of your life.  I just want you to know I’m very proud of you and I love you very much.  I’m your mom and just want to support you as you grow.  I’m sorry that my temper often gets the better of me.  Seeing you rest peacefully reminded me that you’ll always be my little girl, and I’m super proud of how you are taking ownership of the accident to help make things right.  I’ll call you later or text me whenever you want, I am here for you and love you very much!

Love,

Mom

“Mary, you’re of course welcome to stay as long as you’d like, but I need to be heading into work.  Please know our home is your home.”

“It’s good to give Missy space to grow and I’m grateful for everything you all are providing.  I’m pretty wiped myself,” Mary offered, having finished her night shift and come right to the apartment.  “A nap actually sounds like a great idea!”  Mary smiled and immediately Tammy and Mabel took comfort at Mary’s mild humor.  

Tammy and Mary walked out together, a renewed camaraderie developing between mothers who both cared for their daughters, albeit in very different ways.  Mabel heard a rustling in the bedroom and went in to check on Missy and Cammie.  She placed Mary’s note next to the mattress and returned the binkie to Missy’s eagerly waiting mouth before noticing Cammie up on all fours in the crib.  Quietly, Mabel took Cammie and changed her, taking her to the kitchen to prepare some lunch.

By 1pm, Mabel had fed Cammie lunch and placed her in the playpen in the living room for safe keeping.  Per Tammy’s instructions, she went to the bedroom to feed Missy a second bottle.  Trying not to completely awaken Missy, Mabel had removed her pacifier and placed the bottle near Missy’s lips.  She was happy to see Missy’s hands grab the bottle and pull it into her mouth, naturally suckling the nipple to drink all the warm milk.  Within a couple minutes, the bottle was nearly empty.  

Mabel placed a hand on Missy’s diaper, which though clearly wet, was not yet at the capacity.  She was glad she had put an overnight on her and pulled the blanket up over Missy to keep her from getting chilly.  Finally, she took the bottle and returned the binky to Missy’s lips, which she now quickly inhaled into her mouth.   Minutes later Missy was again deep asleep.

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Hours later, a second dream vividly gripped Missy’s mind.  

This time, she found herself lying on her back in a crib.  Above her a cute combination of elephants and birds twirled around attached to some merry-go-round device, soft music playing at a tempo consistent with the speed the animals were moving.  

Missy could only fixate on the pretty colors and animals moving around, her mind quite content to just take in the relaxing music and happy animals that seemed to be flying above her.  She tried to reach up and touch the animals, but found they were just too far away from her to grab.  She tried to lift her body up off the mattress, but couldn’t find the strength to get over onto her side and up onto her knees.  This caused momentary panic for Missy, feeling somehow stuck in this position, but the colors and music quickly took away any stress and Missy just decided to enjoy the dancing show above her.  

She became so entranced with one pink elephant, that she barely noticed the warm feeling that was now spreading around her bottom.  It was now 4pm, and Mabel had just finished her second onesie.  Cammie was happily playing in the playpen when she again returned to check on Missy.  Entering the room, Mabel could see Missy’s diaper was now at full capacity and she was worried it might leak onto the mattress.

Mabel grabbed the wipes from the changing table along with a new diaper from “Missy’s” diaper stack. Moving over to the mattress, she knelt between Missy’s legs, sliding the clean diaper under Missy’s bottom. Removing the tapes from the existing diaper, Mabel quickly released the front, and wiped Missy clean before adding powder and a new diaper.   The entire process took less than two minutes and Missy turned to her side and seeming eager to go back to sleep.  With that, Mabel went back out to check on Cammie and to get dinner started, expecting her hands to be full when Missy woke up in the coming hours.  

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Just over an hour later, Missy found herself stretching her toes and arms as far as they could go, twisting onto her back and letting out a yawn that was more of a sigh of waking up than an indication of fatigue.  Feeling the sleep mask against her face, she slid it off to see only a dim light in the room.  Her eyes still had to take a moment to adjust as she tried to get her bearings as to what time it actually was.  All she remembered was having a bottle…oh dear, did she really have a bottle?!....and then falling deep asleep.  It’s probably noon, her mind told her.   As she gained more awareness of her senses, she turned to the other side of the bed, feeling the binky held by her lanyard roll off her chest.  She noticed the note on the floor and, as she reached over to grab it, Missy’s mind registered, to her great relief, that her diaper was dry. 

Seeing the note was from her mother, it caused Missy to jolt forward.  Sitting up causing her diaper to crinkle between her legs as she read her mother’s words.  Finishing the note, her mind went into overdrive:  

My mom was here?  Did she see me…like this?

Was this note from the same mother that had berated me after the accident yesterday?

Wait, she is supporting me taking on this “role model” gig?

Mabel had heard the stirring in the bedroom on the baby monitor.  Grabbing the first onesie she had completed for Missy, she went to check on her “girl”.  

“Oh, now there’s my little sleepy head!” Mabel said, coming in and turning the light up a little, opening the curtain and revealing that the sky was much darker than Missy had expected. 

“What time is it?” Missy instinctively asked, confused as to how long she’d been asleep.

“Now, now, we mustn’t worry so much…you’ve been asleep for about 8 hours honey, and clearly after the day you had yesterday, you needed every minute of it!  Why I even came and changed your diaper without so much as you even stirring!” Mabel recounted as she puttered around the room putting some of Cammie’s washed clothes back in their bins.

Missy sat up even more confused.  Eight hours?! Missy never slept that much, and yet she even felt groggy, like when you’ve woken up from a nap that went long enough for your body to enter REM sleep only to wake up and feel more tired than when you fell asleep!

Wait…did Mabel say she already had to change her diaper?  Looking down at the nightie, she realized it was the same one she had fallen asleep with, but then Missy suddenly had a flashback to her dreams…wait, was that real?  Did her body actually do what she experienced in her dreams?  

By now, Mabel had returned to Missy’s bedside with the new onesie.  It was a light purple fabric with yellow bears and giraffes.  Missy’s mind was still replaying her dreams as Mabel took over…

“That’s a girl, now be a good girl and just let Mabel help you change.” Before Missy could object, Mabel guided Missy’s arms up, removing the nightie.  Next, she scrunched up the onesie and slipped the bottom over Missy’s head, helping her arms find the sleeves and then pulling Missy’s hair out the top before lowering the onesie down over her tummy and back.  “Of course we know this is going to feel very silly for a girl your age, and we all know you don’t need to wear this, but Tammy thought it would be a good next step as the research program will require us have you act as close in age to Cammie as possible.  That way, when you model behaviors for her, she will hopefully want to mimic someone that is, well, her age so to speak.”

Missy’s mind was still trying to reconcile the amount of time she had slept while simultaneously trying to determine if she had, in fact, wet her diaper or if that had just been a dream.  As a result, Missy sat compliantly, unaware of what Mabel was saying and doing.   A gentle push down on Missy’s shoulders indicated she should lie down.  Once Missy was flat on her back, Mabel slid a hand under Missy’s bottom, lifting up to show Missy she wanted her to arch her back.  With that done, Mabel quickly checked to make sure the diaper was dry before grabbing the back part of the onesie and pulling it forward so she could snap it closed in front.  Satisfied, she patted Missy’s tummy, proud that the onesie fit just perfectly.  Finally, she slid a skirt over Missy’s legs, noticing that it hadn’t done much to really hide the evidence of the onesie beneath, but hoping it might soften the shock for Missy some.

“Ok, sweetheart, there you go, why don’t you come join Cammie and I in the living room when you’re ready.  I’ll have dinner ready shortly for you two sweethearts!”  Mabel said exiting the room and going back to check on dinner.

The mind can often be a battleground of the will.  As Missy sat on ‘her’ bed, her onesie now hugging her diaper, the fog of her mind slowly lifted from her 8 hour sleep.  Thoughts continued pinging around in her mind which was seemingly entertaining two distinct voices that chattered incessantly to her conscience, each lobbying for control of her will.

The first voice was embarrassed:

How stupid and shameful it must be to be wetting your pants and wearing a diaper AGAIN.  Look at you wearing a onesie and drinking from a bottle.  Everyone in your life would mock you, shame you and likely abandon you when they see you this way.  Who could ever love someone your age who agrees to not only wear diapers but evidently to wet and mess them as well?  People shred each other on social media for wearing the wrong jeans, not being at the right party, and of course for having acne….can you imagine the field day they will have when they see you dressing and acting this way?  

Such was the dialog of the first voice.

The second voice was hopeful:  

No one here seems to care that you have accidents or wear diapers.  It seems like they are all so grateful that you are considering helping Cammie and owning up for the accident.  Where else have you ever found people that comfort, encourage you and support you in moments that would have been the most embarrassing and judged moments if you were anywhere else?  Doesn’t this feel very different than “before?”  How ironic it is that your own mother has been more supportive of you now, in this condition, than ever in her life.  There is no rejection here, no anger, no yelling, just a desire to help each other.  Haven’t you had enough rejection, enough judgement, enough pressure, enough criticism for a lifetime?  Let’s just give this a chance…you can always say no and return home…it isn’t forever, just try it for now.  

Such was the second voice’s demeanor.  

The game of mental ping pong being played in Missy’s mind continued as she sat absently looking out the window that captured the fading light of dusk.  It seemed she was just waiting for a sign that would help her resolve the incessant mental chaos which had paralyzed her from making the next decision.

Moments later, without a word being spoken, Cammie appeared at the bedroom door.  She dropped to her knees and crawled over to Missy before reaching out for her hand.  The spell was broken.  Missy focused only on the tiny hand she held in hers and the invitation to join her.  Cammie turned and began to crawl back toward the door.  Without further thought, Missy mimicked the action, getting on all fours and moving to chase her new play partner.  Cammie’s face turned to delight, her body almost exploding again with joy as she accelerated her crawling into the hall.  For Missy, she didn’t realize any longer how absurd she must look, a onesie protecting her diaper as she crawled after Cammie.  Instead, she only saw the fun in the game…trying to chase Cammie and being further fueled by the sheer joy Cammie’s body exuded as they scooted toward the kitchen.  Just as they approached the living room, Missy feigned grabbing Cammie’s foot, allowing her to “win” and escape her clutches. 

“Glad you could join us, Missy!”  Mabel almost cooed as she tended the food and simultaneously shot a text off to Tammy.

Mabel:  Missy just crawled out on all fours wearing her new onesie!  I’m shocked at how she is embracing this role!  And she is so cute…I had to let you know how splendid everything is going! 

Mabel took a quick photo of the two girls now “wrestle playing” on the living room floor and shot if off with the text.

Tammy:  Wow…thanks Mabel.  I’m amazed that she has been so willing so quickly…I suspect there is a lot going on below the surface.  I’m meeting with Dr. Hadley shortly…she’s the research coordinator!  We can talk later!

[Little_Pooh_Abbeh]

Im looking forward to the next chapter. Loving the story so far.

[Jayme]

I am a bit surprised at Melissa's mothers change in attitude after having been brought up to date with her activities and willingness to help out. I'm glad she (I do believe her name might be Carol?) has relaxed a bit and is starting to open up with everyone.

[Babytom948]

7 hours ago, Jayme said:

I am a bit surprised at Melissa's mothers change in attitude after having been brought up to date with her activities and willingness to help out. I'm glad she (I do believe her name might be Carol?) has relaxed a bit and is starting to open up with everyone.

Mary

[Little_Pooh_Abbeh]

I'm surprised there hasn't been an update. I really like this story.

[starman]

Oh damn I thought it had been updated ...

[diaperuser]

Hopefully an update soon on this story.

[aldl4811]

awesome progress!!

[DLJeff52]

Chapter 10: Tickles and Pigtails

As the texts were being exchanged, Missy wrestled and tickled Cammie, the giggles and belly laughs warming Missy’s heart like nothing else had before.  Cammie grabbed one of her stuffed animals and tried to use it to protect her from the “tickle monster”, but to no avail. Missy was on all fours directly over Cammie watching her struggle to breath from laughing so hard.  She finally relented, pausing to let Cammie catch her breath, sitting back on her bottom against the couch.   Cammie’s interaction had inadvertently helped push the “first voice” further into the recesses of Missy’s mind, freeing Voice #2 to “speak” even more loudly:

No one seemed to care that Missy, dressed like a toddler at best, had just crawled through the house in a diaper…instead, there was only unadulterated joy, contentment, and encouragement.  

Mabel brought each of them a sippy cup which extended the tickle truce, allowing Cammie to nestle in between Missy’s splayed legs, both of their eyes now glued to Elmo on the TV.  

As Missy sat drinking her cranberry juice, she again noticed an urge to pee.  Her mind’s first thought, surprisingly, was that she should just relax and use the diaper she had on.  Without waiting for her conscience to object, her bladder acquiesced and Missy both felt and heard the stream of pee begin to fill her diaper.  Too bothered to worry about this further, Missy just resumed concentrating on Elmo as Cammie leaned back further into Missy, oblivious to Missy’s swelling diaper below.  

“OK, you two!  Time for dinner!” Mabel smiled as she helped the girls get settled at the table. Missy no longer hesitated with the booster seat, and while she tried to pull the chair in at the same time as she hopped on the booster, she needed the final push from Mabel to reach the table.  

“Thank you!” Missy offered, surprising Mabel with her acceptance of the situation.  

Leaning down so only Missy could hear, Mabel whispered “No…thank you!!!  You are soooooo good with Cammie!” For reasons not fully known to Missy, she found herself blushing as Mabel offered encouragement.  Feeling her diaper crinkle as she shifted in her seat, she felt a combination of embarrassment and encouragement intersect in her mind and body as Mabel brought food over to the table.

Tonight’s “dinner” was oatmeal, applesauce, a banana with Missy also receiving celery sticks with peanut butter.  Missy was famished and didn’t pause to reflect on how “babyish” the whole presentation was.  Instead, her mind focused on getting as much into her mouth as quickly as she could.  The smaller spoons, however, made it hard to accomplish this task, and Missy found herself once again making a mess, applesauce dribbling onto her onesie.  Mabel just smiled, wondering if Missy was in fact role playing or if she really was having trouble getting the food to her mouth.  Catching Mabel’s eye, Missy found herself blush again, realizing simultaneously that she shouldn’t be making such a mess, but also happy that she wasn’t getting reprimanded.  All this distracted Missy from the fact that she had grabbed the sippy cup that Mabel had placed on her tray and happily began nursing the drink.  

While her mind momentarily noticed that the nipple on the sippy cup wasn’t the harder plastic she was expecting, but rather a soft bottle nipple, Missy quickly exchanged that thought for the deliciousness she tasted.  She inwardly cooed as the warm milk with a sweet taste of honey settled in her belly.  She caught Cammie’s eye and felt gratification when she noticed that Cammie had chosen to imitate her by looking for her own cup and taking a drink just like Missy was doing.  Missy truly felt that she was “leading” this amazing little girl and for a fleeting second, felt like a “big girl” who was just helping a Cammie grow.  When she had finished the drink, she placed the cup down on her tray a little more forcibly than she had intended, Cammie doing the same just seconds later.

“Whoa!” Mabel turned, startled at the sudden noise, “Do my girls want more milk?” Mabel quickly noticed both empty cups and began warming more milk on the stove.  

Missy and Cammie nodded in unison before returning to scoop as much of the oatmeal and applesauce as they could each muster into their mouths.  Benefiting from a larger mouth, Missy finished eating first and began working on her second cup of milk, feeling a warmth and contentment now sweep over her entire being.  As she sat in her chair sucking quickly and rhythmically on the nipple, she suddenly felt a brush run through her hair behind her.  Mabel had taken it upon herself to brush out Missy’s hair, which felt heavenly as Missy just sat and drank away.  For as good as it felt, the strokes in her hair opened a memory from when Missy was nine years old and having a sleepover at her neighbors. 

 Missy and Naomi were taking turns brushing and “styling” each other’s hair.  While Missy sat criss-cross applesauce on Naomi’s bedroom floor, she was simultaneously enjoying the attention Naomi gave her hair and while trying to hold off her growing urge to pee when Naomi’s mom suddenly barged into the room.

“Naomi!!!!” Her mother had practically screamed. “How many times do I need to tell you to bring in the cat food after dinner?!”  Missy hadn’t really heard the reprimand, instead panicking as her panties and PJ bottoms became wet, the release of urine launching when her body had momentarily suspended restraint from the surprise intrusion and yelling.

As Naomi had left the room to go take care of the cat, her mother had come further into the room, noticing the darkened wet spot that now soaked Missy’s pajama’s and panties before Missy had time to close her legs together.

“Oh dear,” Naomi’s mother had gasped.  “I’m so sorry dear, here come with me to the bathroom.”  And without Missy having a chance to explain or refuse, she found Naomi’s mother’s hand taking her to the bathroom.  Missy’s mother had warned Naomi’s mother that they had been fighting some bladder issues since the divorce, and now Naomi’s mother had wished she had taken more proactive steps sooner.  Entering the hallway bathroom that her two daughters used, Naomi’s mother quickly grabbed a pullup from under the sink.  

“Now take those wet clothes off, honey, and put this pullup on.  I’ll go get you some of Naomi’s pajamas while you change.”  Leaving no chance for Missy to say anything, she closed the door and returned to Naomi’s room where Naomi had just returned all in a huff.  Naomi’s mother sat on the bed and apologized for yelling before quickly explaining as sensitively as she could that Missy had wet her pants.  She talked about how hard Missy’s life was at the time and how this was just part of her dealing with the divorce and how Naomi needed to support her friend and not make a big deal of it.  She asked Naomi to grab a set of pajama bottoms for her friend before proceeding to clean up the small wet spot that had hit the carpet.  

“Now when Missy comes back in, please don’t make a big deal of this…be a friend and don’t embarrass her ok?” Naomi pleaded.  Naomi nodded, both stunned and empathetic to her friend’s plight.

Minutes later, Missy came back into the bedroom, now wearing white pajama bottoms that Naomi had picked out, the animal prints on the pullup clearly visible through the material.  Not missing a beat, Naomi resumed her spot on the floor with her brush.  “Come on Missy!  I’m not done braiding your hair!” Naomi patted on a dry spot in front of her as Naomi leaned up against her bed.  

Missy went over and sat down, blushing as it was obvious to everyone she had changed and was wearing “protection.”  Hopeful that she could just move past this moment, she sat down between Naomi’s splayed legs and allowed her to resume brushing her hair.  Silence hung in the air for several minutes as Naomi decided that pigtails would be the appropriate hair style.  Finally, she leaned forward and whispered to Missy, “It’s ok, Missy, if you wet your pullup I won’t tell anyone…"

Suddenly, Missy felt herself peeing, her diaper.  Between drinking the milk, having her hair brushed, and replaying a rather traumatic 9-year-old moment, Missy hadn’t even really noticed that she had drifted back in thought.  Feeling her diaper expand, Missy paused her drink and lowered her head to look toward her diaper.  The onesie was doing a good job to keep the diaper snug and there appeared to be no leaking that Missy could detect.  Her heart beat faster at the remembrance of wetting herself in front of her friend, yet the soothing feeling of having her hair being brushed brought a sense of comfort.  Together, these emotions collided and melded leaving Missy feeling childish, anxious and comforted all at the same time. 

Mabel had observed the whole thing and quietly leaned over to Missy’s ear, “Good girl honey, see, everything is going to be ok, just relax and we’ll change that wet diaper soon.”

Missy trembled at how eerie it was that this action mimicked her past experience with Naomi.  Yet, just as Naomi had genuinely cared for Missy in that moment, so too Mabel was now offering the assurances she desperately wanted to embrace.  

Missy didn’t even realize that Mabel had created two pigtails in Missy’s hair, but instead did become increasingly aware of how suddenly sleepy she was once again feeling.  Putting her bottle down, she noticed that somehow a binky on a lanyard had found its way around her neck.  She eagerly put it in her mouth, relaxing her body and seeming to enter a “food coma” that babies get after filling their tummy.  Missy wasn’t aware that it was the sleep medication that had been put in the bottle that was having this effect on her, but rather found delight in the fact that she could just rest again, hoping she could be in her bed again very soon.  

While Tammy and Mabel had debated via text about continuing to use the sleep medication, they had finally agreed that it would be good to use over the weekend.   There was no doubt the rest was helping to reduce Missy’s stress as well as the amount of “awake” time that Missy was having to overthink everything that was happening. 

Fighting to keep her eyes open, Missy became focused only on her drink, her pulls on the nipple becoming less strong and less frequent.  She noticed bright colors and bubbles floating around on the TV screen in the living room, like a psychedelic screensaver, as lullaby music played in the background.  The bubbles and colors were entrancing, and Missy felt her eyelids getting heavier and heavier as she tried desperately to get milk from the nipple into her mouth. 

Mabel returned to see Missy asleep in her chair, sippy cup on the floor, and mouth slightly agape.  Mabel did her best to gently awaken Missy, not wanting her to fall out of the chair if she was startled when she awoke. After much soothing effort, Mabel finally got Missy to rouse, and encouraged her to scoot down on the floor as there was no way Mabel was going to be able to carry or otherwise transport Missy to the bedroom.  Missy was incredibly groggy and not happy to be awake.  She felt light-headed as she became aware of being on all fours on the kitchen floor with a binky hanging around her neck.  

She vaguely heard Mabel encouraging her to head toward the bedroom, but in reality, Missy needed no encouragement.  She was exhausted.  As she scooted her knees and hands along the floor, she felt the warm, full diaper shift against her body, crinkling rather loudly down the hall.  Missy felt the pigtails dance on her shoulders as she swayed her hips with each crawl.  She was relieved to get to the bedroom and easily crawled up onto the mattress.  

Once on the mattress, Mabel unsnapped Missy’s onesie removed her diaper, cleaned and powdered her privates and put on a fresh overnight diaper.  Resecuring the onesie, she tucked Missy in under the blanket.  Placing the binky gently in Missy’s mouth, Mabel took a look back at her “girls” as she turned off the light and made a mental note to work on Missy’s onesie pajamas.  Missy needed no further encouragement, her body again drifting into a deep and peaceful sleep.

[starman]

??

[nadine_enough]

I'm about a month late to comment on this story, but it's become one of my recent favorites. I'm fascinated to follow Melissa/Missy's voice, or lack thereof, as the story progresses. With the combination of a generally obedient personality, a youthful appearance, and the processing of her traumas, it's interesting to see how little she actually vocalizes her thoughts, instead using her internal thoughts and memories to sort things out. She's a quiet girl in this story, and not just because of the binky/pacifier.

I'm really curious where it goes! I've got some predictions but I'll hold them for now and see how the story plays out.

Thank you for sharing this story!

[rienrien]

This story has a lot of heart, and you take criticism well. There's a couple of run on sentences to clean up, but otherwise it's perfectly readable. Thanks for your contribution.

[DLJeff52]

Thanks for everyone's comments and suggestions!  As I mentioned this is my first go and I'm having fun crafting around a plot I had in my head.  Please know that some of your ideas have helped me alter the flow and hopefully that's for the better!  

Chapter 11:  The Doctor Is In

Dr. Nancy Hadley, PhD, led the Pediatric Psychiatry Services at the hospital where Tammy had worked for over 15 years.  Dr. Hadley was known throughout her department, and the hospital for that matter, as a technocrat who often came across as loving data more than people.   She excelled at research and had received more grants than any other doctor at the hospital.  Her primary use of these funds was to explore the innumerable aspects of child development.  In doing so, she had succeeded in expanding the best practices for psychiatric methods associated with early childhood development, and particularly around the impact of environmental effects on brain development and behavior.

What few people knew, however, was that Dr. Hadley was now “bored” with the standard research and had often dreamed of how she could explore more “fringy” ideas.  One question that had popped into her head during a study years ago was if some of the development work she was doing could “be put in reverse.”  She had often seen how children were able to progress into expected age development behavior and mental ability.   From her studies, she had received acclaim for mapping significantly environmental impacts factored into this progression.  What she had wondered for a while now, however, was if the same environmental impact could in fact produce the opposite or regressive result.  

Knowing that to receive funding there would have to be a more “legitimate” rationale than her simple fascination, Dr. Hadley had spent the last year analyzing psychotherapeutic methods regarding trauma and recovery.  After reviewing numerous longitudinal studies to see if “time” itself would heal wounds, she was able to quickly conclude that time is not, in fact, a cure for trauma or other emotional or psychological injuries. Dr. Hadley then focused on working with psychiatrists who use regressive therapy techniques including hypnosis to help patients return to the 'time', so to speak, of their injury, thereby allowing the details and emotional pain of the moment to be present in such a way as it could be felt, processed, and hopefully healed.  Suddenly the pieces fell together and Dr. Hadley had the outline for a new research idea.  

Believing that environmental factors have a developmental impact and excited that they could just as equally help stimulate regressive behaviors to heal wounds, Dr. Hadley was in the midst of working on a new research proposal that would make use of regression to facilitate traumatic healing from childhood events.  Dr. Hadley was currently at her desk noodling on how to address the three critical challenges she had identified in completing such research.  

First, such a study would require working with subjects of “legal” age that would likely have difficulties taking the required amount of time off from work, school, or life generally to participate in the study. Second, the nature of the study would require an immersive experience.  It wouldn’t suffice to have periodic environmental impacts because leaving the regressive environment would negate most of the effects that may have been fostered during the “study” time.  Third, it would take time for the regressive environmental impacts to take effect, so to speak.  This would mean that the overall length of the study would again make participants hard to find and funding requirements higher than average.  

As Dr. Hadley was continuing her ideation and drafting for her proposal, Tammy entered her office right on time.  Although she had only briefly spoken with Dr. Hadley regarding several consults throughout the years, Tammy had read almost all of Dr. Hadley’s work, and now hoped to convince the revered staff member that Cammie would be a good fit for the current research that role modeling could have a positive impact on childhood behavioral development.

“Thank you for seeing me Dr. Hadley,” Tammy began.  Tammy went through a summary of all the different programs she had read up on that Dr. Hadley had completed and explained how she had hopes for her own daughter to benefit from various research.  She recognized that the “role model” requirements favored older siblings in order to qualify for participation, but then went through as much detail as she could around how Missy had appeared in their life and was very willing to make a go at it.  She decided being forthright was the best policy, so she talked openly about the fender bender, the trauma that Missy had experienced, Missy’s desire to help earn money to help pay for the damage, her recent behavior and potty issues, and the idea that everyone recognized an exception would have to be made in order for Missy to be eligible.  

Dr. Hadley listened intently.  Tammy couldn’t tell if the notes being scribbled were a sign of multi-tasking or in reference to what Tammy was sharing, but she sat back as Dr. Hadley removed her glasses, rubbing her temple before somewhat offering a stoic response.  

Inside Dr. Hadley’s mind was racing.  She couldn’t believe how perfect this “Missy” sounded as a potential candidate for the regressive study she was drafting.  She knew enough from previous experience that finding “qualified” and “willing” participants for research studies was an arduous and timely process.  Could she use Missy in the current study and provide some type of hybrid experience that would (a) contribute to the younger child’s behavior development while (b) seeding her idea that regressive behaviors may help heal traumas?  Would her current sponsors allow such a change?  Would they need to know?  What release would she need to prepare to account for this?  All of these thoughts bounced around in Dr. Hadley’s mind while she tried to maintain an austere poker face.

“Well,” Dr. Hadley finally broke the palpable silence, returning her glasses with a sweeping gesture as she spoke.   “You certainly came prepared, and yes, I do agree that this would be a major exception to the current research parameters, especially noting the age gap you referenced.”  Dr. Hadley had to choose her next words carefully.  “Off the record,” Dr. Hadley continued, “if you weren’t a nurse at the hospital with a daughter that could benefit from the study, I’d have to say ‘no’ out of hand.”  

The weight of the air deadened as Tammy waited for Dr. Hadley to finish her thought.  She debated interrupting with another plea for how committed everyone would be to the effort, but before she could open her mouth Dr. Hadley again spoke.

“That said,” Dr. Hadley now turned her glance above the wire rims of her glasses straight toward Tammy who suddenly felt powerless to whatever announcement was about to follow, “There may be a way to craft a hybrid scenario.  You see, the study aims to show the impact of specific environmental factors of family members who are a product of the same ecosystem of support, emotional development, etc. and who are close enough in age to understand the concept of modeling behavior to a younger sibling.  For this to work, Missy would need to be willing to step into this role from the perspective of a very young girl, perhaps even starting as young as Cammie and then accelerating her ‘development’ in a way that Cammie could then model.  In this way, Cammie would be engaging Missy with the same frame of reference as other siblings who ‘grew up’ in the same environment.”  Even as Dr. Hadley was speaking, she was already crafting ideas on how she could subtly but measurably facilitate a regressive  program to demonstrate how environmental impacts could equally bring someone back to “re-live” and “re-learn” through their ages of traumatic experience. 

Tammy’s thoughts were still trying to catch up with the diatribe Dr. Hadley had just shared.  What she thought she heard was that there was a way to make this work, but if that’s what was implied, it was yet to be stated clearly.

“So….” Tammy began, here eyes betraying her confusion. 

“So,” Dr. Hadley interrupted, “There is a path forward, but I would need to conduct an assessment of Missy’s emotional state and her understanding and willingness to participate before I could craft the hybrid parameters that would allow us to operate under the current study.”  Dr. Hadley leaned back, confident she had given herself wiggle room, but tempering her excitement at the prospect of what lay ahead knowing all too well that when people are involved, nothing is as simple as it may seem.

Tammy’s excitement, however, was much less veiled and she couldn’t believe her good fortune at the timing of this potential opportunity.  “Thank you Dr. Hadley!” Tammy beamed, “I do appreciate your giving me special consideration and if there is anything I can do to help, you know I’ll be willing and able to do so!”

“We can discuss some of the roles you will need to play later, but first I will need to conduct an assessment."  Looking at her calendar she continued, "I’d need you be here at 7am sharp on Monday morning.  We would need your daughter, Missy and yourself to be present.”  Dr. Hadley began making a note on her calendar, underlining the appointment twice as a way to privately express her excitement at the prospect.

“There is one more thing,” Tammy spoke, realizing that Mabel would likely need to be involved as well.  Dr. Hadley looked up from her desk, her eyes again narrowing as she tried her best to express annoyance at yet another request.

“You may not know, but I’m a single mother and I have a sweet lady next door who takes care of Cammie when I’m working.  She’s such a great surrogate grandmother and, well, I wasn’t sure if she would need to be here as well?”  Tammy asked trying to insinuate that it wasn’t at all a big deal that there would be someone other than the mother participating in the oversight and implementation of the program.

Dr. Hadley couldn’t believe her good fortune but had to play it off as if it was another Herculean task.  “So, you won’t be the primary care provider to Cammie during the research?” Dr. Hadley expressed in hyperbole but trying her best to sound serious.  

“Oh, no, I absolutely will be Dr. Hadley,”  Tammy jumped in defensively.  “It’s just that I need help when I’m working and, well, I’ve already asked Mabel and she is willing to commit whatever is necessary to help with the program details.  I can have her here Monday morning as well, if that is needed.”  Tammy kept trying to posture as though it would be a foregone conclusion that this would not be a problem.

Dr. Hadley was already swimming in the notion that an elderly woman would be helping as they could be more easily ‘influenced’ to adopt program ‘requirements’ as things progressed.  Typically naïve and more willing to give authority to medical professionals, the elderly were usually a dream to work with on studies such as these.  “I suppose we can make yet another exception, but if there is any indication that she isn’t following the program protocols, we will have to cease immediately.”  By now, even Dr. Hadley was worried that she was laying it on too thick, but returned to her calendar scribbles to indicate that was the end of the conversation.

Standing, Tammy reached her hand to shake Dr. Hadley, who, in turn rose, appreciating the professional gesture and hopeful that this ‘anomaly’ in her current study could spawn the regression study she wanted to craft in the future.  “Please be on time Monday morning,” Dr. Hadley nonchalantly offered, hoping her cool demeanor successfully hid the internal excitement she was feeling as her mind started plotting subtle ways to help achieve the outcome that would help her most.  “And remember, this is just an assessment.  I’m not promising anything about adding her to the study.”

“Yes Doctor, I understand.  Thank you so much Doctor for considering us!” Tammy instantly replied, only afterwards realizing that she still needed Missy to agree to participate or she might look silly to Dr. Hadley.  It was a risk she had inadvertently accepted by agreeing to the Monday appointment.

Tammy stepped out into the hall and immediately texted Missy’s mother Mary.  “Hi Mary!! Great news!  The doctor agreed to consider Missy for the research program!  I know this is Missy’s choice, but wanted to make sure you were up to speed so we can keep the “team” focus!  I’m off to my shift now and will give you more details later! 

A couple seconds later three dots indicated a response was forthcoming, “That’s great news...I guess?! Sounds like we will have more to process!  Let’s stay in touch and see what tomorrow brings with Missy and we can go from there!”

Tammy’s next text went to Mabel, who beamed with excitement at the prospect that her dear friend might actually be getting a break she deserved in life!  Hopeful that Missy would choose to continue, Mabel started thinking about what other clothing she’d like to sew for Cammie’s potential new “role model”!

[diaperuser]

Great chapter 

[DLJeff52]

Chapter 12: On The Precipice

In her dream, Missy found herself oddly paralyzed.  She had just entered her favorite clothing store at the mall only to freeze when she saw her ex, Mark, standing outside the dressing room drooling over an outfit some gorgeous girl was modeling.  A short skirt that flared as she spun paired with a white tank tee to reveal a toned midriff and alluring belly piercing.  Even a portion of Missy’s mind found itself entranced with the performance, while the rest of her froze in fear, surprise, anger and anxiety at the unexpected encounter.   

As if on cue, the pair turned, joining hands and faced toward Missy.  Mark’s face acted as if this encounter had all been expected and revealed a joy and expression that wreaked of “see what I found?!” The girl’s face seemed to register an awareness of who the observer was and tossed a look of “Guess I’m that much better than you” in Missy’s direction.  They both started half-walking, half-skipping toward Missy, but Missy’s feet were frozen in place.  As they were about to reach Missy, she felt a warm liquid filling her panties and begin dribbling down both of her legs.  Instinctively, she went to spread her legs and look down only to see a stream of pee now concentrate and seep through her panties onto the carpeted store floor.  

“No!” she tried to scream, but for some reason couldn’t find the breath to do so.  Time stood still. Mark and his new girlfriend now seemed the ones frozen as they looked at the wetting accident unfold directly in front of them.  The stream of pee seemed to never end, Missy’s eyes momentarily rising to see the shocked faces now empathetically looking at her as she was a helpless child, but not crossing the boundary of concern to act in assistance or offer any comfort or encouragement.

Missy felt her panties now soaked against her skin as the final remnants of her bladder slowly ran down each of her now awkwardly splayed legs to her calves before then dripping onto the floor.  A whisper from behind Missy’s ear was the only sound that broke the anxious silence, “It’s ok, Missy, just relax,….it will be ok……”

Missy looked back up, noticed that Mark and his girlfriend were nowhere to be found, but instead the store had become a dimly lit white room with a crib off to the side and a changing table with diapers underneath….

Somewhere between the dream and this moment, Missy realized she was awake and back in Cammie’s room, or was it her room too…..

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When Tammy got home from her shift, she found Mabel fast asleep on the couch.  Tammy gently woke her, thanking her profusely and promising that they would catch up in the morning.  

Next, she tiptoed down the hall to check on her “girls”.  It was actually a nice feeling to think of Missy and Cammie as her girls, even though she would never presume to be a mother to Missy, it was exciting to have a full house and to be in her element, helping and nurturing. 

Peering into the bedroom, she saw her daughter curled up with her blanket and binky, peacefully resting.  In the other corner of the room Tammy was surprised to see Missy sitting up on her mattress.  Tammy had to suppress a slight gasp, not expecting to see the 18-year-old awake in the dimly lit room.  Her motherly instincts kicked in and she went over and knelt down next to Missy putting her arm around her in a consoling manner.  

“It’s ok, Missy, just relax,….it will be ok……”Tammy soothingly whispered sensing that Missy was very disoriented.  At some level it was to be expected, she was in a strange home and waking up on a mattress on the floor in an unknown place, but this felt different as Tammy wasn’t even sure if Missy was completely awake.  As she continued to rub Missy’s back, assuring her that everything would be ok, her other hand went to give a quick check of her diaper.  The squish that she was able to feel through the onesie confirmed what Tammy had suspected, Missy had soaked her diaper and it probably contributed to waking her up.  Or maybe she had been dreaming…whatever the case, it was clear that Missy was disoriented and needed a diaper change.

There was a thought she never anticipated navigating:  ”I better change the diaper of the 18-year old girl that I just met 48 hours ago so she doesn’t have a blowout on my guest mattress.”    Half smiling, half disbelieving, Tammy half pushed, half persuaded Missy to lay back down on the bed, brushing a pigtail to the side of her face as she lay back down on the pillow.  

“Shhhh….shhhh…there, there, now,” Tammy consoled, “you just lay there and I’ll be right back to change you ok sweetie?  It’s ok….”  Tammy went to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine while heating up more milk for Missy.  She was surprised at how much milk Missy was able to consume and made a note to pick up more at the store the next day.

Returning to the “girls’ room” she grabbed another thick diaper, the wipes and powder before returning to where Missy lay.  Missy was much more at peace and seemed on the verge of sleep, but the minute the soft nipple of the sippy cup hit her lips, Missy began tugging the nipple deeper into her mouth in what appeared to be an instinctive desire to be fed the milk inside.  As Missy began nursing the sippy cup, her hands remained at her side, content to let the cup be held by someone else.  Tammy slowly realized that she was now “feeding” Missy, and for as cute as that was, she also had a task to perform, so she gently raised Missy’s arm to take the cup as she positioned herself between Missy’s legs.  After unsnapping the onesie, Tammy opened the new diaper and, placing it under Missy’s bottom, removed the soaked diaper.   Missy could vaguely feel the coolness on her privates as several wipes did their magic, but the suckling noise of the milk and her sleepy state kept her from being bothered.  She had no awareness of the onesie being snapped back into place or the covers being pulled up and over her.  

With the diaper changed, Tammy’s hand instinctively went toward the sippy cup.  No sooner did her hands support the weight of the sippy cup than Missy’s arm dropped back down to her side, happy to have someone else holding the sippy cup as she took the last of its warm contents into her belly.  Tammy finally removed the cup from Missy’s mouth and quickly offered the binky as its replacement.  A deep sigh and a rhythmic sucking motion soon convinced Tammy that Missy was very quickly drifting back to a deep sleep.  Tammy had never more motivated or certain that she could convince Missy to at least be seen by Dr. Hadley and started thinking how best to use Sunday for preparation.  

[diaperuser]

Looking forward to next chapter.

[nadine_enough]

On 7/15/2022 at 6:16 PM, DLJeff52 said:

”I better change the diaper of the 18-year old girl that I just met 48 hours ago...

Gosh, was it really only 2 days in story? Regression set in fast! In a lot of ways, she's already a baby. Seems her potty training is almost completely forgone, and she's grown very accustomed to the pacifier and sippy cup. Her internal self, although in a distressed state, seems to accept that it's correct for her to be sleeping in a nursery too.

I imagine that a typical scientific study might reject Melissa's participation due to her clearly going through something. But it sounds also like the ego of Dr. Hadley might be great enough to be willing ignore such concerns, not only to Melissa's detriment but to the reader's excitement. Looking forward to the next chapter to see if they can bring Melissa back forward from Missy just long enough to have a conversation with the doctor.

Thanks for sharing this story!

[DLJeff52]

Chapter 13:  Gateway to Progress or Regress?

Tammy had little time to plan.  She just had one day to get Missy to agree to the assessment appointment on Monday morning with Dr. Hadley.  Fortunately, it was Missy’s spring break, and while school could certainly present a longer-term obstacle, for now, it was one less thing Tammy had to consider.  

Cammie was certainly Tammy’s number one focus and getting her daughter into a program that might help her accelerate her development was always her number one consideration.  At the same time, though, Tammy truly wanted Missy to make her decision with “eyes wide open.” While her gut felt like the program might also help Missy, she didn’t have anything concrete to offer Missy that would make it a “no brainer” for her to want to join.  Coupled with these two somewhat conflicting motivations, Dr. Hadley had sent a follow-up email that had Tammy’s head spinning with caveats and issues that needed to be addressed with Missy, Mabel and Mary. The email not only confirmed the assessment appointment for Monday morning, but also outlined several parameters that would be evaluated:

It may benefit us all if you are able to prepare Missy for the assessment process, so we are all on the same page concerning the criteria that are essential for the program.  I will orient the assessment to these parameters, and it would help if Missy was aware of these before arriving Monday morning.

1.     It will be important for Missy to agree to follow the instructions of the care givers (yourself and Mabel) during the trial, so we will be working on situations to assess her compliance.  Also, Missy will need to accept / roll play that you are her “mother” for this assessment.  It will be important for her to see you in that roll and treat you as such so that Cammie responds to the parental cues that we have Missy model in that relationship.  

2.     Missy will need to agree to accept all behaviors we deem necessary to simulate a 2-year-old’s behavior.  As we discussed we need to synthetically create a situation where Cammie has a “sibling” to look up to, which means we will need Missy to start at or near Cammie’s age in behaviors so a modeling sequence can be developed.  As such, we will assess Missy’s willingness to be treated as an infant/toddler so we can determine if such a foundation can even be achieved.  This will include such things as:

a.     Clothing (diapers, toddler / baby clothing, etc.)

b.     Food

c.     Physical Limitations (crawling, walking, talking, playing, and generally functioning at age-appropriate levels)

3.     Mabel will need to agree to follow the program details explicitly.  Sometimes I find “grandparents” have a fixed view of how parenting shall be done.  If she deviates from the program, the data will be skewed and invalid which won’t help anyone. 

4.     If, upon completion of the assessment, we accept Missy as a surrogate sister for the purposes of the program requirements and she is able to join, the program itself runs for a minimum of three months and may be extended based on the progress and results.  Missy et al will need to have a plan in place concerning work/school that allows for this time commitment.  This plan will need to be submitted and approved as part of the final program application.  

5.     Participation in the program covers all costs of medical materials (diapers, creams, powders, etc.) and a food stipend as we stipulate certain diets to measure modeling in that category.  Furniture and bedding are not included, but I do have access to second-hand furniture from previous studies and participants if that is needed.  Again, this presumes acceptance to the program following the assessment. Each family unit inclusive of participant, role model and caregiver are compensated at a tax-free rate of $5000/month.  

6.     Of course, there are more detailed program requirements that would be outlined should you be accepted to the program, but these are enough to consider as your “team” evaluates if the program would even work for all involved.  

Please contact me immediately if you collectively conclude that any part of the program outlined above is ‘untenable’ and we can, of course, cancel the assessment.

With all this information percolating in her mind, Tammy finally settled on a plan in the wee hours of the morning.  She emailed Mary, essentially offering a “softer version” of all the information that Dr. Hadley had passed on, being sure to mention the roll Missy was being asked to play as well as the money that would be involved.  She decided to wait on the “mother” concept Dr. Hadley had mentioned, figuring they could cross that bridge if they were accepted after the assessment.

Next, she placed a note by Missy’s bed asking her to stay in bed and call for her when she woke up.  Finally, she sent a lengthy text to Mabel outlining her schedule for Sunday before crawling into bed a feeling of exhaustion and excitement accompanying her as she fell asleep.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Missy awoke by taking a lengthy stretch, raising her hands above her head until they hit the wall behind her while at the same time stretching her toes and legs out on the bed.  She felt the pull of the onesie against her diaper before rolling over onto her side and curling her knees up toward her chest.  For the first time in a while, she felt completely rested.  The sunlight peaked through the window shades that had created her otherwise dark cocoon, hiding the fact that it was already 9:00am.  Groggily opening her eyes, she saw that Cammie’s crib was empty.  Her absence startled her and she quickly leaned up on her elbow to make sense of the Cammie’s absence.  

There on the floor was Tammy’s note which didn’t bring any clarity to Cammie’s absence and only served to confuse Missy further.   

Stay in bed and call for me?

Why couldn’t she just get up?  Then again, as Missy realized the outfit she had on, her face flushed and she realized she really didn’t want to get up and walk out in a onesie with a soaked diaper sagging through the leg openings.

Moving quickly passed this embarrassing thought, Missy then wondered how exactly was she supposed to call?  Was she supposed to say ‘Tammy, please come and help me get up?’  That sounded incredibly silly and embarrassing to ask.  What in the world would any 18 year old be doing calling another woman to help them get up?  Should she call her Tammy?  That also felt weird.  Missy didn’t ever call older women by their first names, and certainly didn’t feel right starting now.  As she lay back down on the pillow her head continued swimming with thoughts.

How ridiculous is this that I’m at the home of a woman whose car I hit in a onesie and a diaper and somehow it makes sense that it all happened?

How on earth would my friends ever react if they knew I was dressed like this and that I actually had a binky in my mouth while I slept?

Why in the world was I “ok” with drinking out of a sippy cup with a baby nipple? Why didn’t I complain as it happened?  

How is it that I feel completely ‘stuck’ that right now, in this moment, I am somehow supposed to call out for this woman to help me get up, even though I’m totally free to make my own decisions?  

Minutes passed with Missy’s mind bouncing back and forth between replaying how she had ended up in this situation to trying to think through how exactly she was planning on calling for Tammy.  As she did so, her tummy began to rumble, accelerating her need to decide on a course of action.  After her recent accident while she was walking, she did not want to have a repeat occurrence.  

“Hello?!”  Missy’s voice cried out a little higher pitched and strained than even she had anticipated, but her sub-conscious mind had momentarily taken over to handle the situation.  Missy wasn’t aware that Mabel had taken Cammie for the morning and that Tammy, while having waited for Missy to wake up, had done some yoga exercises before now entering the shower to get cleaned up for the day.  

After several minutes passed without sounds of anyone responding to Missy’s plea, her adrenaline flow surged as Missy increasingly worried about the growing pressure she felt in her bowels….was it possible that she wouldn’t make it to the bathroom in time, again?  It didn’t dawn on Missy to disobey Tammy’s instruction to call out for her, although the embarrassment of walking around in a onesie also tempered her desire to just head to the bathroom.  The fact that there was no other clothing in the room that she could change into also likely prevented her mind from contemplating removing her diaper and onesie herself.  

“Hello?!?!? Good Morning?!” 

Missy again found her mind and body responding automatically in an effort to call out for Tammy to come. Was she not responding because she was calling incorrectly?  Was there anyone even there?  

Tammy was in the midst of rinsing shampoo from her hair as Missy’s anxiety mounted.  Missy’s knees moved up toward her chest and she rolled onto her other side in an effort to help quell the onset of cramps that she could begin feeling.  Flashes of pooping her pullup in the hall filled her head and Missy’s breathing began increasing as beads of perspiration began forming on her forehead.

“Please, Tammy, come help me?”  Desperation caused Missy’s mind to run through a number of different ‘pleas’ that Missy could send out to draw someone to her aid.  After no response came from a variety of these efforts, Missy concluded she must be alone and stood up to make her way to the bathroom.  As she stood, she felt the wet squishiness of her diaper held against her skin by her onesie.  She knew she was running out of time before she would lose the battle with her anal sphincter and took small steps with her legs trying to squeeze together. 

Then there came that soft little voice in her head again ‘well, at least if you don’t make it you have a diaper on.’  It was in the background of her thinking, but it was there.  As she ran through her fear of losing the battle of control, her mind had at least processed that it wouldn’t be as bad as if she had no diaper to contain the mess from running all over her.  Half scooting, half walking down the hall, she reached the bathroom, only once again to find the door locked.  Hanging her head again, she reached her arms over her head, preparing to place an exasperated, double-fisted pounding on the door as she felt tears welling up in her eyes.  The tears were more physically induced from the battle she was waging with her bowels, but also from the repeat performance fear that spread like wildfire through Missy’s being.  

As she was about to land a fist on the door, it clicked open, almost causing Missy to stumble forward as she swung through air.  Petrified at realizing someone WAS in the apartment after having already concluded she was alone, Missy let out a terrifying scream.  The corollary actions were (1) to release her sphincter control and (2) to simultaneously run away.  Her diaper began filling with bottom mess at the same time that she ran down the hall back toward her bedroom.  She closed the door behind her, and, noticing that there was no lock on the door, just leaned against it as if that would keep the intruder from entering.  All the while, her diaper continued to fill with warm liquid and she noticed the 'full' sensation that now accompanied a distinct odor as she braced for the intruder to enter her room. 

“Missy dear?! Are you ok?!”  Tammy had followed Missy down the hall, horrified that something had happened to her and unaware of Missy’s surprise that someone was in the apartment.  A soft cry could be heard on the other side of the door as Tammy tried to open the bedroom door to console Missy.

“Oh honey, it’s me, Tammy, whatever is the matter?  Please let me in, I’m so sorry, whatever it is it will be ok!”  

Missy felt herself collapse to the floor, her forehead and hands still resting on the door, but offering no resistance to it being opened.  She felt the contents of her diaper spread around her nether region, paralyzed that she had once again pooped herself, let alone in a diaper.  Her body’s resistance continued to wane as the door gently pushed open, Missy feeling her bottom squish against the floor. 

Tammy looked down and saw Missy’s head fall between her knees and her arms come back up to her head, half-hiding and half-wiping tears away as the reality once again set in that an 18-year old girl had now messed herself twice in as many days.  

“Oh no, I’m so sorry!” Tammy said leaning down and wrapping her arms around Missy. 

“I….tried…” Missy babbled taking deep sob breaths in between each word.  “…calling for you…”

Tammy suddenly registered what had happened.  Missy had tried to do what the note suggested, but Tammy hadn’t been able to hear her when she jumped in the shower.  

“Oh dear…it’s all my fault Missy…I’m so sorry!  You poor thing!  You did it all just right, shhhh, shhh…now, now…it’s ok.”  Tammy had taken a position on the floor next to Missy and just pulled her in tight.  Despite the odor that was filling the room, Tammy felt horrible and just wanted to console this poor, distraught girl.  “I’m so, so sorry,” Tammy continued.  “I had this perfect plan to make your morning stress-free and easy, and instead it’s done exactly the opposite”. 

Tammy was gently rocking Missy in her arms as the sobs slowly turned into longer breaths and an occasional deep breath to quell the sobbing.  Missy was taken by the comfort of being in Tammy’s arms and the soothing reassurance that she hadn’t done anything wrong.  If it weren’t for the increasingly overwhelming odor that filled the room, Missy likely could have been comfortable there for some time.

“How about we get you cleaned up and let’s see if the rest of my plan for the day does a better job, ok?” Tammy sensed the time had come to press forward and she began leaning up to stand up.  “Just come over to your bed and I’ll take care of everything,” Tammy continued, making her way over to get the wipes from Cammie’s changing table.  Missy considered standing up and walking over to the mattress, but getting up and then sitting down again didn’t sound appealing as she became more and more aware of the mess in her diaper.  With Tammy’s back turned, Missy crawled on all fours over to the mattress, internally ashamed at the thought of crawling, but also trying to be practical to get to the place where she could get cleaned up.  With her scurrying, she felt the squish of warm mess shift around her bottom, thankful that at least nothing had leaked out the sides.  Reaching the mattress she tried to gently lie back so as not to cause force any of the contents inside her diaper to make their way outside to her bed or sheets.  

Tammy returned and bent down wiping the residual tears off Missy’s cheek, before quickly positioning herself between Missy’s legs.  Missy just looked up at the ceiling as the now familiar sound of diaper tapes being torn off filled the room.

“What do you say about a warm shower and some delicious breakfast?” Tammy offered trying to change the conversation to something more positive and encouraging.

“That sounds good...” Missy agreed, her body feeling the cool wipes on her privates, bringing a sense of fresh and relief as the odor again took a turn for the worse.  She felt her ankles being lifted and she tried to arch her back in sync with the cleaning that Tammy was performing.  While Tammy had placed a clean diaper underneath to prevent anything from getting on the bed, she didn't attach the diaper, knowing that Missy was about to get in the shower. Within minutes Missy was all cleaned up and a new towel was draped over her legs and waist. 

“Now go ahead and take a nice long shower and I’ll get some clothes ready along with a nice hot breakfast, ok?” Tammy offered, again shifting back into ‘plan’ mode, thinking all the while about how this latest incident might factor into the conversations and activities she planned to have with Missy over the course of the day.  

Missy waited for Tammy to leave the room, then she removed the unsnapped onesie over her head, wrapping the towel around her before making her way again down the hall to “her” shower.  Did her mind really just refer to this as being “her” shower?  Stepping into the warm water, Missy took a deep breath, happy and relieved to have survived yet another traumatic incident, but also equally swimming in bewilderment that things just continued to happen to her body that made no sense compared to where she was just several days prior.  Fortunately, showers seemed to clear her mind and she was able to simply savor the act of lathering and cleaning her entire body, hopeful that today could only get better for her.

[diaperuser]

Enjoyed reading this chapter.

[kerry]

6 hours ago, DLJeff52 said:

“Hello?!”  Tammy’s voice cried out

Should this be "Missy's voice"?

[DLJeff52]

8 hours ago, kerry said:

Should this be "Missy's voice"?

Thank you Kerry!  Should have had you proof it again for me!! Thanks for the help!  Have a great one!