anxiety getting in the way

[will_k2]

Hello everyone 

hope you're having a wonderful day while reading this, and thanks for taking an interest at all. 

I rarely write on this forum, although i do come back often to read what's new and get updated on this world. 

I've been a DL since I was 5 (nothing bad happened, just an event that i can trace back this desire to). 

I'm a successful man, happy with myself and the way i am, and going about life making goals and fulfilling them. 

All should seem great, except my diaper loving factor getting in the way. My desire to wear comes and goes, but one thing's for sure, it will never go away forever. I've gone through the binge and purge issue one too many times. Nonetheless, i will get straight to the point now. 

I have never been able to make a relationship last (with a female, im straight) because at some point in time, i always want my partner to get lost because i need to indulge in my diaper loving side. This has ended some relationships, and caused a lot of resentment at times, even when i was in relationships that seemed otherwise perfect. 

Which brings me to my current relationship. I've been with my GF for 10 months, and considering marrying her very seriously now. She's great in many aspects, but the best part is that once i started speaking about "my topic" she eventually guessed what it was, and was insanely accepting and made fun of how big i made it seem. She's expressed that i should leave some for her in her apartment sometime so she can try them on her own. As for the issue I need help with, it's my anxiety getting in the way. I'm an anxious person, most of the time i have it under control, but my overthinking habit sometimes takes over and destroys my mood, confidence, and desire to indulge in things i love. I cannot rid myself of the thought that she may look at me differently. I'm a tall and masculine guy, and I love being that, but i have a soft side as we all do in this world, and i alsp love that, she does too. With that said, I cannot for the life of me stomach the chance she may see me differently. I always imagine myself wearing with her around, treating it like it's a normal thing, but then i imagine her looking at me in a weirded out way, and my anxiety just kicks IN. I know this seems like an issue that's too big for you readers and fellow community members to help on, but i could really use your opinion on the topic. While she played the guessing game with me of what "my thing" was, she asked if it was dressing in female attire, and that it would be so normal for her, in fact she'd buy me what i want. That's when i knew she was the one, only because she's not judgmental, and loves me for me and wants me to be happy. I cannot get rid of the thought of her seeing me be feminine though. I don't have a toxic masculinity issue, i just love being the man, a caring man, and every time i picture wearing around her, i feel so small. 

Another point you could help on, is just how to introduce her to it, and to involve her in this world. I've always wanted a partner that is accepting and maybe participates in this world, but at the same time, my anxiety never let me dream of what it could be like because of fear of rejection. 

Sorry if i simply rambled on, too many emotions right now to focus on the issue at hand, but i hope you can make something out of what i've typed and that this could be a conversation. 

W

[AbabeBill]

I think I know how you feel. I have had some of the same thoughts, and the anxiety too. 
And congratulations by the way too, if it not to premature? About you finding your special someone. 
I never found it easy, dealing with any of this myself. But, I have a deep running acceptance of my situation, and so I try and let things play out as they may. 
I feel, if I didn’t worry or have anxiety about this, the diaper thing, if would just be something else. It’s a normal thing I think. If you could somehow be free of the whole diaper thing, you’d probably be anxious or worried about something else, and thinking, I hope she will be ok with what I’m doing. 
I really don’t know the answers, as I said, I’m a fellow sufferer, in a way. I mostly felt uncomfortable with this, and my wife. Even though, she was ok with it, she indulged in it, and we met on a similar diaper fetish site. I might add, she was curious about diapers, being on the forum, more so than having been a diaper lover. 
All you can do, is be yourself, allow her to be herself, enjoy each other, and accept there are still some unknowns, and risks. And, while I think there might still be some anxiety there, allot of it will melt off, as you grow together. 
A suggestion, maybe she might get her own account here, if she doesn’t already, and you share this space as a couple. It will get her more involved, and she can express herself here in some ways, if she likes. 
I hope some of what I said, makes sense, and might help you? I try, but sometimes I’m just not to sure myself. ? 

[Young1]

Anxiety is a bitch for sure but sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. Shes already accepting that side of you which is new for you i get it. But you just got to try. I dont think diapers on men is very feminine. But my advice is treat it like normal underwear and it will get easier.

And to introduce it to her will have to be on her terms. Can NOT force it on anyone. If she wants to try it with you for the day she will ask or you can ask if you guys are just staying in and watching movies (date night) kinda thing. 

 

Hope all goes well. 

 

[Little Sherri]

Hi, @will_k2. Your topic is a very poignant one, and I identified with it immediately. I came to where I am from a somewhat different direction, but, in many ways, I have found myself in the same place, mentally. I was a DL from a very young age - I knew by the time I was 5 or 6 that "this" was "a thing" for me, and I also knew that I couldn't tell anyone that or let anyone find out. I was wracked with anxiety about it, for a variety of reasons that I won't delve into because I could write a novel here. The back-of-an-envelope explanation is that I was a prolific and accomplished bedwetter as a kid, up until I was close to 11 years old, and for a long time, I wore diapers to bed (this was in the 1980's so pullups were not commercially available yet). I realized very early on that I *sometimes* liked wearing them, but I also felt weird about feeling that way, and, I lived in perpetual fear of anyone finding out either of my secrets - that I wore diapers sometimes, and/or, that I didn't always mind it. I didn't always like it, either, particularly when I was around other kids. Once I graduated from needing diapers, it became quite clear to me that I still wanted to wear them, at least sometimes, and I started making my own out of towels and pillow cases and plastic bags. My step-dad found them when I was somewhere between 12 and 13, and he yelled at me about them in front of my whole family. That resulted in my suppressing any diaper-related feelings for more than 20 years, and in the meantime, I met a lady, got married, and we had kids. 

So, diapers were never a thing in my early relationship with my wife, and I didn't think they ever would be, so I never brought it up - why would I? I didn't feel like I was being dishonest with anyone. However, probably about 10 years ago now, I found a photograph of myself in one of my mom's photo albums. In it, I was around 6 or 7, around the tree on Christmas morning, and I was clearly wearing a diaper. Well, as I stared at that picture of myself, everything came flooding back, and within a few days I had bought some XL Goodnites that I could barely squeeze into, and then, some low-end diapers at the drugstore. I would put them on for a few hours when I had the house to myself, or when I travelled for business. I even started sending my family away on vacation, just so I could get a few days alone. 

Eventually, I realized that the only way I was ever going to be happy, was to at least try and live 24/7, but there was no way in hell I could accomplish that without involving my wife, who, let me remind you, had NO idea this was a "thing" for me, and, she's pretty vanilla in general. So, I was riddled with anxiety about the idea of telling her, but I also couldn't face living the rest of my life hiding this big secret from here, and denying, in some ways, who I am. So I basically jumped off a cliff (with some help from some people here), and opened up to her one day. I had no idea how it was going to go. I thought I might end up living in a van and visiting my kids on weekends. 

To my surprise and delight, it did not go that way. My wife was remarkably understanding, if also bewildered, and now, I've been 24/7 for almost 3 years, and my wearing diapers is just a fact of life around my house. My wife doesn't participate, but she does tolerate it, she cracks the occasional joke at my expense, and she helps me pack my diapers when we go on trips, and buys me diaper cream and baby powder when I need it. I've been extremely lucky. 

But, to one of your main points, a big concern of mine was that she would view me as less masculine, given that I'm now wondering around in giant toddler diapers, most of the time. I'm a martial arts instructor; rippling masculinity has never been my brand, but neither has the appearance of weakness, and I knew that one of the things she was attracted to about me was feeling safe when I'm around. Would she still feel safe when I'm around, but, wearing a printed diaper under my jeans? 

Fortunately, as some others have noted, most people's attraction to their partners are not defined entirely by one dimension. Your GF might like your physicality, but, she probably also appreciates your softer side, and, hopefully, understands that there is room for both of those aspects under the roof of a well-developed personality. 

It sounds to me like she has a big heart, with lots of room in it, and if she seems comfortable with you expressing this side of yourself, then you should probably do yourself a favour and get comfortable with her comfort. Because if being diapered is an important aspect of your being, but, you become uncomfortable with her whenever you indulge in that, at some point, you may find yourself having to choose. Instead, don't try to read her mind - operate, instead, on the basis of what you have evidence for. If the evidence she is giving you is that she loves you and has room in her heart for "this", then, let yourself enjoy it. 

One of the things I came to realize is that I am a complicated package of pros and cons, but that my interest in dressing like a baby under my clothes is but one facet of who I am. If my wife had elected to throw everything away, because of that element, that would be more a reflection of who she is, than who I am. It sounds to me like you have a long list of positive attributes, one that you maybe don't give yourself enough credit for, and that as far as she is concerned, the positives outweigh the negatives. So why try to convince yourself, or her, that she's wrong about that? 

[will_k2]

3 hours ago, Little Sherri said:

Hi, @will_k2. Your topic is a very poignant one, and I identified with it immediately. I came to where I am from a somewhat different direction, but, in many ways, I have found myself in the same place, mentally. I was a DL from a very young age - I knew by the time I was 5 or 6 that "this" was "a thing" for me, and I also knew that I couldn't tell anyone that or let anyone find out. I was wracked with anxiety about it, for a variety of reasons that I won't delve into because I could write a novel here. The back-of-an-envelope explanation is that I was a prolific and accomplished bedwetter as a kid, up until I was close to 11 years old, and for a long time, I wore diapers to bed (this was in the 1980's so pullups were not commercially available yet). I realized very early on that I *sometimes* liked wearing them, but I also felt weird about feeling that way, and, I lived in perpetual fear of anyone finding out either of my secrets - that I wore diapers sometimes, and/or, that I didn't always mind it. I didn't always like it, either, particularly when I was around other kids. Once I graduated from needing diapers, it became quite clear to me that I still wanted to wear them, at least sometimes, and I started making my own out of towels and pillow cases and plastic bags. My step-dad found them when I was somewhere between 12 and 13, and he yelled at me about them in front of my whole family. That resulted in my suppressing any diaper-related feelings for more than 20 years, and in the meantime, I met a lady, got married, and we had kids. 

So, diapers were never a thing in my early relationship with my wife, and I didn't think they ever would be, so I never brought it up - why would I? I didn't feel like I was being dishonest with anyone. However, probably about 10 years ago now, I found a photograph of myself in one of my mom's photo albums. In it, I was around 6 or 7, around the tree on Christmas morning, and I was clearly wearing a diaper. Well, as I stared at that picture of myself, everything came flooding back, and within a few days I had bought some XL Goodnites that I could barely squeeze into, and then, some low-end diapers at the drugstore. I would put them on for a few hours when I had the house to myself, or when I travelled for business. I even started sending my family away on vacation, just so I could get a few days alone. 

Eventually, I realized that the only way I was ever going to be happy, was to at least try and live 24/7, but there was no way in hell I could accomplish that without involving my wife, who, let me remind you, had NO idea this was a "thing" for me, and, she's pretty vanilla in general. So, I was riddled with anxiety about the idea of telling her, but I also couldn't face living the rest of my life hiding this big secret from here, and denying, in some ways, who I am. So I basically jumped off a cliff (with some help from some people here), and opened up to her one day. I had no idea how it was going to go. I thought I might end up living in a van and visiting my kids on weekends. 

To my surprise and delight, it did not go that way. My wife was remarkably understanding, if also bewildered, and now, I've been 24/7 for almost 3 years, and my wearing diapers is just a fact of life around my house. My wife doesn't participate, but she does tolerate it, she cracks the occasional joke at my expense, and she helps me pack my diapers when we go on trips, and buys me diaper cream and baby powder when I need it. I've been extremely lucky. 

But, to one of your main points, a big concern of mine was that she would view me as less masculine, given that I'm now wondering around in giant toddler diapers, most of the time. I'm a martial arts instructor; rippling masculinity has never been my brand, but neither has the appearance of weakness, and I knew that one of the things she was attracted to about me was feeling safe when I'm around. Would she still feel safe when I'm around, but, wearing a printed diaper under my jeans? 

Fortunately, as some others have noted, most people's attraction to their partners are not defined entirely by one dimension. Your GF might like your physicality, but, she probably also appreciates your softer side, and, hopefully, understands that there is room for both of those aspects under the roof of a well-developed personality. 

It sounds to me like she has a big heart, with lots of room in it, and if she seems comfortable with you expressing this side of yourself, then you should probably do yourself a favour and get comfortable with her comfort. Because if being diapered is an important aspect of your being, but, you become uncomfortable with her whenever you indulge in that, at some point, you may find yourself having to choose. Instead, don't try to read her mind - operate, instead, on the basis of what you have evidence for. If the evidence she is giving you is that she loves you and has room in her heart for "this", then, let yourself enjoy it. 

One of the things I came to realize is that I am a complicated package of pros and cons, but that my interest in dressing like a baby under my clothes is but one facet of who I am. If my wife had elected to throw everything away, because of that element, that would be more a reflection of who she is, than who I am. It sounds to me like you have a long list of positive attributes, one that you maybe don't give yourself enough credit for, and that as far as she is concerned, the positives outweigh the negatives. So why try to convince yourself, or her, that she's wrong about that? 

you beautiful man  , that was just great. Wisdom, connected with yourself and perfectly in your head, and synced up. Good for you for this type of thinking, and i should really take some of your advice to heart and implement it. I will be coming back to this a lot to re-read it, perhaps even one day show it to my GF/wife. 

Thanks again, and god bless

 

 

4 hours ago, Young1 said:

Anxiety is a bitch for sure but sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. Shes already accepting that side of you which is new for you i get it. But you just got to try. I dont think diapers on men is very feminine. But my advice is treat it like normal underwear and it will get easier.

And to introduce it to her will have to be on her terms. Can NOT force it on anyone. If she wants to try it with you for the day she will ask or you can ask if you guys are just staying in and watching movies (date night) kinda thing. 

 

Hope all goes well. 

 

100% i cannot force it, my anxiety won't let me  . But she's asked for it, and i'm still not capable of getting the courage to take that step. Perfect advice, take a leap of faith or else i'll never be fully myself with her. 

thanks for your comment

 

5 hours ago, AbabeBill said:

I think I know how you feel. I have had some of the same thoughts, and the anxiety too. 
And congratulations by the way too, if it not to premature? About you finding your special someone. 
I never found it easy, dealing with any of this myself. But, I have a deep running acceptance of my situation, and so I try and let things play out as they may. 
I feel, if I didn’t worry or have anxiety about this, the diaper thing, if would just be something else. It’s a normal thing I think. If you could somehow be free of the whole diaper thing, you’d probably be anxious or worried about something else, and thinking, I hope she will be ok with what I’m doing. 
I really don’t know the answers, as I said, I’m a fellow sufferer, in a way. I mostly felt uncomfortable with this, and my wife. Even though, she was ok with it, she indulged in it, and we met on a similar diaper fetish site. I might add, she was curious about diapers, being on the forum, more so than having been a diaper lover. 
All you can do, is be yourself, allow her to be herself, enjoy each other, and accept there are still some unknowns, and risks. And, while I think there might still be some anxiety there, allot of it will melt off, as you grow together. 
A suggestion, maybe she might get her own account here, if she doesn’t already, and you share this space as a couple. It will get her more involved, and she can express herself here in some ways, if she likes. 
I hope some of what I said, makes sense, and might help you? I try, but sometimes I’m just not to sure myself. ? 

I am 31, and i think i need a little more time to ripen in that sense, but i 100% have to work on this, telling myself and being honest, that I am normal, I'm a good person, I mean no harm, and I like to wear diapers. The mind is a powerful thing, and sometimes it gets the best of you. 

Thanks for commenting 

[Draventhedark]

Gotta let go and just do it. I know it's difficult to do because of the stereotype put on diaper lovers. Though your anxiety is going to push away a possible good thing. When I first started wearing around my wife I felt weirded out because I have never had anyone accept that part of me. At first I started wearing just to bed as it made me more at ease knowing that most of the time she would be sleeping and not noticing my diaper. Though over time I started waking up to her hand on my diapered butt while she was still sleeping. From there I took it slowly for my sake not hers (she had already fully accepted it but I haven't yet) and wore under sweats and only stayed in them till after around breakfast. I had left some out one day by accident and she had put one on the bed that night and told me time to get ready for bed. That made every ounce of anxiety go away after the initial oh shit moment of shock. Sadly this part of us doesn't ever leave we have all been through the bin purge cycle some of us many many many times. It's something that we have to learn to accept and from there enjoy. If she is truly open about it as you say relay your anxiety issues with her and be level about it. One major thing I have learned in my time on this dirtball is honesty shows loyalty and gains trust more then anything. At the end of the day don't matter how much you try to suppress the urges to wear they will sooner of later over come your will power to not. If she is also telling you to leave some there for her to try on, I would find the most comfortable ones you have and leave some there and see if she does try them on. Wearing them doesn't make you less of a person as it is part of who you are and what makes you, you. 

[Three Rivers]

It sounds like you are off to a great relationship, as she has stated that she is accepting and has asked you to leave some with her to try. As one who has been married for over 42 years, I was anxious as well at first. But my wife is very accepting of my choice to wear and use diapers, she doesn't wear herself as it's not her thing. But she is very supportive of my choice and over the years has changed me multiple times as well as help me pick out and purchase diapers for me. We have participated in diaper sex multiple times and she has never been turned off by them in the bedroom. And there have been times when I was wearing in the bedroom before, and she asked me to remove them for our special time. As with all relationships it's give and take, just be you and accept this as your new norm. Communication is the key to any successful relationship, and it looks like you are both off to a great start. Congratulations on your new adventures.

[~Brian~]

@will_k2

As many have stated, I would just “go with the flow“ and see what happens. Your girlfriend already knows there’s something going on, and I believe she already has stated that she knows what it is. I myself, sometimes get anxiety because I’m worried about what somebody will do say think or believe. If your girlfriend has gone to the extreme of stating that she understands that guys sometimes like to wear a “female clothing“ and that she would “buy you whatever you wanted“ that is a big step in the right direction.

as she suggested, I would leave some diapers at her apartment so she can “try them sometime“. She may like them, she may not like them, but I am sure that if she understands your need for diapers, she will support it. Many people may not indulge in their partners pursuits like this, but I have seen a lot of people that accept them, or tolerate them. If your girlfriend is over the mind that she accepts you for what you are and who you are, and loves you for the person you are, and you feel that it is “the one“ you will know that in your heart, and you will know that because of what she does what she says how she acts and how is she presents herself to you. Part of having a successful relationship is not holding back any secrets if you can help it. The worst thing that can happen is if you are really “into” your girlfriend, because of who she is or what she thinks or what she believes or the type of person she is, and you hold back something from her, not only will this cost you further anxiety, but it may be a huge “bump in the road“ if you wait so long to tell her that there’s an issue that is bothering you, and you do not get it off your chest.

your girlfriend probably understands your issue, but you may want to make sure that you let her know straight up exactly what is going on. If you are honest with her from the beginning, and you let her know what is going on, her understanding will be increased, even if she does not indulge. If you are incredibly lucky, she may end up indulging you in your “play“ and she may end up being able to be a part of your “play“.  if you were able to tell her what’s on your mind and level the playing field from the start, you will feel less nervous or less anxious, because you know that you’re a “big secret“ is finally out, and you will be able to focus on things that are necessary, and you won’t end up losing any sleep because you have something on your mind that is just tugging at your heart strings, or making it hard for you to be honest or upfront. One of the bad things about a relationship is that sometimes you cannot figure out whether or not you should “divulge information“ to this person, right away, because you’re not sure of whether it will be a turn off. What I was suggesting is what somebody told me:

“If a person loves you, because of who or what you are, what you stand for, what you believe, and the type of person you are, and you for some reason are fetishist, or you are incontinent or disabled, or you have some other issues, most any other issue can be overcome. Wearing diapers is no big deal, and there are people that do it every day. If the only reason that someone would turn you down is because of the fact that you wear diapers or like to indulge in fantasies like this, then the person that is doing that is overlooking the person, because they are not looking at the whole picture: they are only fixated on the one thing that would be a turn off for them.  they say time heals all wounds, and love conquers all, and I am sure that if you find the right person, regardless of your situation, even if you’re incontinent or wear diapers, that person will  UNDERSTAND IT, And support you no matter what: wedding vows indicate that you accept a person for better for worse for richer for poor in sickness and in health till Death do you part”. They Support  you no matter what, and if the love is there, and the understanding is there, and the trust is there then you have basically made a good connection. You just have to make sure that you don’t hide something from your girlfriend because then it might come back and hit you in the face.”

these words were spoken by my parents on several occasions directly to me: it always gives me the “mold“ that I will remember to follow. I will remember that I should be the man that I should be, and not worry about not being who I am. If I am not doing it because that’s who I am, then I am lying to my own self, because I am trying to make myself something that I am not. If a girl loves you or a guy loves you for who you are, that is because they see something in you, and they know that you are special in someway. My parents told me that there is always room for improvement, but you should never change who you are what you are what you believe or any of that, because that makes you a different person: you should always be yourself straight up honest and open: if you can do that and your girlfriend accepts you for everything you are, and is willing to either indulge in or allow you to indulge in diaper play, then I think you’ve got a winner here. Just remember to be honest open upfront and candid: that way you don’t run into situations where she doesn’t realize that she has questions about things that may not have come up or may not have been discussed. It is always good to be open and honest, because as my parents said “the secret to a good marriage is not to have any secrets, we don’t have any, we talk about everything“.

Good Luck!
 

Brian

[will_k2]

Hello everyone 

Haven't posted here for a while, but felt obliged to update you guys and let you know how you've helped a random human being somewhere. 

All the responses on this post were beneficial to me in one way or another, and I definitely benefited immensely by sharing with all of you, our ABDL community. 

I want to thank you from the bottom of my anxious heart for offering your wisdom to aid others in accepting themselves and potentially loving themselves in all conditions and at all times. 

It's been over a year since I've posted, and I've been happily married to this lovely human for 1 month now (and counting). I knew I had the right person when absolutely everything was right, including her full acceptance of my diaper lover side. I took your advice (and her pressure) and planned an evening where we both wore about 6 weeks ago. She expressed that she didn't like the baby patterned diapers, and I knew black was one of her favorite colors, so I ordered some rearz black diapers (also one of my faves) as well as a black diaper cover. I put the diaper on her and she helped me put mine on (she admitted to not knowing how to put one on me on her own). I used a Tena maxi diaper with an insert, because I knew I may not have been ready for something 'thicker'. I also proceeded to put on plastic pants and we got dressed in comfy clothing and watched some Ted Lasso. She told me when she was about to use them and it demanded a lot of concentration (happened 3 times) 😛, and loved the feeling. She kept worrying they would leak, and it wasn't until she took the off that she understood just how absorbent they are. I used mine too so I went and changed to bambino bianco with an insert. when I did change, I contemplated whether or not I should step out to the living room ad show her what I look like before layering back up and getting dressed, and I did. It was an immensely stressful yet freeing moment, because this is who I am (part of me). Her support and response gave me butterflies for a lack of a better explanation. I couldn't believe my partner thought nothing wrong of this, and that it was "cute and innocent". The disclaimer is that I had taken some Xanax that day (prescribed for anxiety) and I knew I wasn't acting fully on my true emotions, but it was a step in the right direction. 

I left an extra diaper for her and traveled, and she proceeded to try that one on her own and send me photos of it on her, which I found to be amazing. This person not only is loving enough to accept what's different, she's ready to try it out for herself before making an assessment. It's clear it's a harmless thing to her, but it doesn't bring her the pleasure it brings me, which is 100% ok with me. My desire like many people here is engrained in me from a past experience (see below) so I don't expect someone that didn't have an early influence to think and feel like I do. 

(side track, I love diapers because at 5 years old, on a road trip, with a terrible stomach bug, I was becoming immensely anxious I will soil myself, so to ease my mind, my mom used one of her sanitary pads and put it in my underwear and told me that I had nothing to worry about now, hence, wired different. Didn't have an accident, but a young OCD anxious mind was healed with a pad) 

fast forward to 4 days ago, as I started packing for our trip to Barcelona, I hadn't worn in about 2 weeks, and didn't have the desire to, but I felt like packing several diapers, onesies, and covers, as well as set them up in a way I can wear on the plane and at the airport. I had never done this before but fantasized about it a lot. I always worried about security taking out everything in plain sight, and worried people would tell I'm wearing, at which point the feeling will be nothing but embarrassment and shame. I asked her if it was ok with her (she didn't see me packing them, still not ready for that normalcy) and again, she was fully supportive. she told me she wasn't ready to wear this time as she didn't plan her outfit right, to which I responded that was completely fine, and that me wearing doesn't have to mean her wearing. We boarded, I changed and came back to my seat like everything was completely normal, and that feeling is and will always be magical. The fact that I could go about my diaper lover life every now and then, with my partner accepting and promoting it, and making me feel beyond normal, is an emotional thing. I have kept this thing a secret, I have hid it, I have been ashamed by it, tried to quit time and time again. Then, I meet someone that I love and that loves me, and even loves the parts of me that I hate. I used to think I had to find a diaper lover first then see if they match with me. Now I realize, the right person has to be accepted and respected as a human being, as mentioned previously, a spectrum of emotions and traits, and that all of them should be accepted. 

I didn't tell her I changed before landing, into a super thin Tena with a small insert, and proceeded to disembark the plane and walk through the airport. As we were waiting for our bags, I got terrible anxiety that some people were looking directly at me rear, and my fight or flight feeling was about to start, so I asked her, can you see anything? she was astonished, and kept swearing she didn't know I wore and couldn't tell. my worries were immediately gone, because I realized I'm overthinking, and realized that the only person that matters is completely fine with me and sees nothing out of the ordinary. It's difficult to compartmentalize anxiety, and as a tall, confident, good looking man (calling it what it is, not being obnoxious ) it's normal for people to look at me. It's going to take some time to get used to that, and to stop feeling like everyone can see what's underneath, let alone that it's none of their business, and that it's not wrong. This is all just a product of being brought up with anxiety but not having addressed it. My wife on the other hand, has incredible confidence and 0 care in the world for anyone's opinion but hers and the ones she loves, which is how life should be. 

we got to the hotel and I was ready to take my diaper off and go on with our day without it, I got what I need, for now. Later as I was reshuffling which diapers were in my backpack and which were packed up, and handling other diaper related items, I realized I was feeling something I hadn't felt before. I felt like I was handling an item I rightfully need, and use, and did not have that shameful feeling. I didn't feel like I was doing something taboo. This very feeling, is what prompted me to write back with an update. I have only dreamt of this emotion, and never thought I could achieve it. I used to even worry that I'd die a sudden death, wearing diapers, and that it would remain the last memory people have of me, that's how bad my anxiety is. Now that I have someone to share this with, and share with, I realize, I am normal. Not only am I normal, I am special in a way, I have something not a lot of people have, and it's an innocent fun secret at the end of the day. My goal is to soon be able to handle diapers and related stuff and wear in front of her the same way I'm comfortable being naked in front of her.

 

from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank all of whom responded to my original post, and say that this community and others like it are an integral part of self love/acceptance, and support. Without like minded people sharing advice and experiences, life would be more tricky, because it seems like it's you against the world. 

and my advice to others in our community, find your someone, then introduce them to it slowly, and clarify what some have advised already, this is a part of me, this isn't all of me. it's not hurting anyone, and it's not offending anyone. just respect your audience, and the space you're in accordingly, and all will be well. 

be good friends, wish you all the health and well being 

[Spanky]

Congratulations 

[Three Rivers]

Very nice, happy for you and your new adventures.

[feralfreak]

im gonna offer a spiritual thing here, if you dont have a faith, consider christianity, if you already have it, great, now i say this because there is someone who wants you to give that anxiety to Him, he can see that its interfering with your ability to get into a relationship as fully as you want, His name is Jesus. it dont mean you have to give up the ab/dl stuff, he knows EVERYTHING about you, and maybe gave you that interest as a means of stress relief. your gf has already expressed an interest in trying your thing, right down to asking you to leave some diapers for her to try, so here is the solution to "break the ice", do it. put about a half dozen in a shopping bag or buy her a bag in her size, and as you hand them to her say "you wanted me to leave some here for you to try, so i just brought these  for ya". she gave you the opening. she sounds like a damn good woman, maybe she was sent to be in your life.

[Moochie]

Overthinking, jumping to conclusions, catastrophizing are some examples of cognitive distortions that correlate to anxiety and depression. If your anxiety is ONLY about diapers and your partner, I simply suggest further honest conversations. If your cognitive distortions affect other areas of your life, then i would suggest behavioral health treatment with cognitive behavior therapy.

[Little_Mouse]

7 hours ago, feralfreak said:

im gonna offer a spiritual thing here, if you dont have a faith, consider christianity, if you already have it, great, now i say this because there is someone who wants you to give that anxiety to Him, he can see that its interfering with your ability to get into a relationship as fully as you want, His name is Jesus. it dont mean you have to give up the ab/dl stuff, he knows EVERYTHING about you, and maybe gave you that interest as a means of stress relief. your gf has already expressed an interest in trying your thing, right down to asking you to leave some diapers for her to try, so here is the solution to "break the ice", do it. put about a half dozen in a shopping bag or buy her a bag in her size, and as you hand them to her say "you wanted me to leave some here for you to try, so i just brought these  for ya". she gave you the opening. she sounds like a damn good woman, maybe she was sent to be in your life.

Very good advice @feralfreak 
I was born into a family where both my parents believe in Jesus as our Lord and Savior. When I left my childhood home, I came to prioritize other things as being more important than Jesus.

About 20 years ago I started having health problems incl. anxiety until I had a total breakdown 6 years ago. It just got worse and worse.

3 years ago I had a long talk with my old mother about Jesus because I was afraid that I was going to die soon and was very worried about whether I was still saved.

She encouraged me to seek answers in the Bible and ask Jesus to be delivered from all my worries and challenges. I found out that God's savior gift is still valid etc. I prayed to Jesus for his help and everything started to change for the better.

Today, I have not had problems with anxiety for at least 2 years. My health problems are under control and are no longer life threatening. I got a diagnosis that could explain why, so now society can really help me. I am back at work and contributing again to society (very important to me) My finances are getting better and better again. I can now relax and look into the future, knowing that everything I need will be taken care of.

I am very grateful for the help that Jesus has given me.

[feralfreak]

14 hours ago, Little_Mouse said:

Very good advice @feralfreak 
I was born into a family where both my parents believe in Jesus as our Lord and Savior. When I left my childhood home, I came to prioritize other things as being more important than Jesus.

About 20 years ago I started having health problems incl. anxiety until I had a total breakdown 6 years ago. It just got worse and worse.

3 years ago I had a long talk with my old mother about Jesus because I was afraid that I was going to die soon and was very worried about whether I was still saved.

She encouraged me to seek answers in the Bible and ask Jesus to be delivered from all my worries and challenges. I found out that God's savior gift is still valid etc. I prayed to Jesus for his help and everything started to change for the better.

Today, I have not had problems with anxiety for at least 2 years. My health problems are under control and are no longer life threatening. I got a diagnosis that could explain why, so now society can really help me. I am back at work and contributing again to society (very important to me) My finances are getting better and better again. I can now relax and look into the future, knowing that everything I need will be taken care of.

I am very grateful for the help that Jesus has given me.

that reminds me of 2 people that were given the advice of giving burdens to Him, both told me they were uplifted(and yes, used  that word), the burdens of life can become too much to bear, one was a covid nurse, you know how hard that work has to be, and the other was my mom, dealing with trauma from her childhood and involving one of her uncles, it weighs you down in ways that are hard to imagine, God wants those problems given over to him.