Diapers, intercourse and intimacy

[Ubba]

Hey guys, not sure if I am posting this in the right forum so apologies if it's in the wrong place. I don't know if this is going to be a question, stream of consciousness, discussion starter or what but want to throw this out here and see what happens. 

 

So I am in therapy and we have been talking about my abdl side and intercourse came up. 

Intercourse is a strange one for me in as far as I dont find it to be a very intimate thing, like I do have attractions and urges and all that but the actual act of intercourse is kind of like scratching an itch. It has never felt like an intimate or bonding experience to me, and granted I havent been in this situation really, apart from silly high school relationships, but I honestly don't think I would be hurt if my partner cheated on me, I wouldn't even consider it cheating. 

So I was talking about this with my therapist and then we started talking about what I do find intimate and really its all the things around being an abdl, like snuggling, diaper changes, cuddles, you know that type of thing. My therapist then asked me how would I feel if I found my partner cuddling someone else. Thinking about that gave me a mild anxiety attack but I know I would be very hurt by this. 

We kind of stopped talking about it at this stage as the session was getting close to finishing and my therapist didn't think we would have time to leave me in a good place mentally if we kept discussing this and she didnt have time free to keep talking so we left it there. 

 We are going to pick up where we left off next week but I kind of want to, I don't know think aloud, well in cyber space, and see if anyone else has experienced this or is in the same boat as me. 

Like right now I am kind of questioning my identity. I consider myself a queer man as I am attracted to all sexes and genders but when it comes to relationships I am only interested in being in a relationship with feminine people, I'm not sure about people in between the male and female spectrum (Really sorry if this terminology causes offence, if it does please tell me and why so I can understand better) but i am definitely not interested in having a relationship with a masculine person, I have had boyfriends before and I just don't have the same types of feelings, granted I have attraction and that I just dont get the same type of intimacy out of it. 

This got me thinking on well what is my orientation. If orientation at it's core is about intercourse, but I am not hardwired the same way in the intimacy department then I might be straight. When it comes to the ABDL side I am a baby deep down, thats where the intimacy comes from. Granted I enjoy being a daddy its not the same deal at all compared to being a baby. Like almost on the same level as intercourse for me but a bit on a higher level. 

So if we take orientation and look from it the angle of intimacy and not sexual attraction then I think I might be straight because the idea of having a daddy makes me very uncomfortable, well maybe daddy is the wrong word maybe caregiver would be better cos I like the idea of having a female daddy but not a male mommy but I guess that is looking down the lens of traditional gender roles maybe. 

Then this has me thinking that maybe subconsciously I want to be straight. Consciously I am very comfortable being queer, I do consciously identify that way but the fact I am having these thoughts makes me think that maybe my subconscious brain has locked away a longing to be straight in the back of my mind or something. That mightn't make sense but I do struggle with my conscious and subconscious, easiest way of explaining it is that my internal monologue kind of brain washes me in to thinking certain ways, but then there is the quiet voice that speaks up every now and again that is my sub conscious telling me what I need. Or most of the time its being an ass telling me I suck, thank you general anxiety disorder that is still being diagnosed. 

 

So I am actually going to leave it there and sorry if I am not making sense, I have tried to post things like this in the past but generally what happens is that subconscious voice gets louder telling me I suck and I chicken out of posting, that is starting to happen now so I am just going to post this before I loose my nerve

 

 

[oznl]

Sometimes I wonder if the whole ABDL thing is one great big intimacy disorder sprung from attachment issues.

If that’s true, it’s probably not surprising that it affects us in multiple dimensions.

The only forward-looking thing I’ve been able to salvage is that it’s most likely not my FAULT that I am the way that I am and I’m navigating as best as I can.

I’ve often been curious about therapy.  I cannot afford the social or fiscal cost associated with it though.

[Mike78]

My wife blames my diapers for us not having much of a sex life. She feels the diapers are getting the best of me. She knows I permanently need them medically now but she feels I'm not sexual towards her anymore because of the diapers.

[rusty pins]

6 hours ago, Mike78 said:

My wife blames my diapers for us not having much of a sex life. She feels the diapers are getting the best of me. She knows I permanently need them medically now but she feels I'm not sexual towards her anymore because of the diapers.

Sounds like some joint counseling might help some.

[~Brian~]

@Mike78

do you think that your wife believes that the diapers get in the way because they in someway “turn you on” in ways that your wife may not be able to? Sometimes diapers have that affect on individuals because they feel good to Your penis, or other parts of your body, and that may end up turning you on. Sometimes, when you wear diapers long enough, there might not be a sexual attraction for the person that you are intimate with, and that may be an issue.

there are ways that you can enjoy sex between you and your wife, but I agree with Rusty that’s the best thing for you to be able to do would be to seek some joint counseling, and find out from the counselor if they’re away is that you can have a good experience when you are intimate like that. There are people, who enjoy their diapers, and they have sex one they are wearing diapers, but if your wife is somehow thinking that it is not attractive for you to be wearing diapers during sex or to have sex with someone who is wearing them, then this is something that you should investigate with a counselor.

it is obvious that you need the diapers, And for medical reasons. In my mind, what do you need to find a way to do is to as my friend says “find new ways to do things that you used to do” to meet this means, that you find ways to make diapers and lovemaking part of the equation, this is the hard part because it may not be as easy as I say right now. This is why counseling is always a good bet when this type of issue comes up. I am sure that there are ways to enjoy sex when you were wearing diapers with your wife, it just means that you will have to investigate things and try it out. Ask your counselor for ways that you can be intimate with your wife even when you have diapers. Just because you’re wearing diapers incontinent, does not mean that you do not feel sexual, and that you don’t have those sexual feelings. There are times when I feel that way myself, and I get turned on, and I just got wild, because I have to let it out, and the only way to do that is to allow my body to expel what it holds, and enjoy the feeling.

I wish you all the best of luck MIKE!

Brian

Edited February 18, 2022 by ~Brian~
Edited a couple words

[Snugglebear_69]

On 6/10/2021 at 5:21 PM, Ubba said:

(1) "I am only interested in being in a relationship with feminine people, I'm not sure about people in between the male and female spectrum but i am definitely not interested in having a relationship with a masculine person"

(2) "If orientation at it's core is about intercourse"

I work in the space of gender and sexual diversity for the federal government so wanted to offer some thoughts.

A couple of points that could perhaps use some clarification. You talk about being attracted to feminine people and then you add the male/female spectrum. These are two distinctly different concepts. Femininity/masculinity is a gender expression construct (gender expression) while female/male is sex (physiological status). There is a related third cobstruct as well which is gender identity which is related but also distinct and separate from sex and gender expression.

Second, orientation is not at it's core about intercourse. Intercourse is one element of sexual orientation but there is also attraction, action, intimacy and more. There are straight men who will provide or receive oral sex from another man with no issue but cringe at the thought of emotional intimacy or kissing another men. The understanding of sexual orientation has gone well beyond merely physical intercourse.

I'm terms sexual orientation there is far more than queer and straight. Someone could be straight but prefer only masculine or feminine people within a specific sex. Labels have become almost meaningless in this space as there are so many combinations and permutations. At the end of the day things like sexual orientation and really valuable to the extent they help people express themselves.