Butterflies (Complete!)

[Sophie ♥]

After ten years, I'm so pleased to introduce the DailyDiapers forum to Sophie & Pudding's 50th story!!  Butterflies is - in my opinion - one of the best things we have ever written.  We have been working on it for about a year and I'm just so happy I finally get to show people. ;__; 

Butterflies is a story about love and how transformative it can be to have people care about you.  It's a tale about growing up and growing down and how both of those things can be possible at the same time.  It's a realistic narrative about life and daily problems and overcoming obstacles you never thought you would have to deal with.  And of course, it's a story about diapers and cute adults wearing them. ^_~

Butterflies has exactly 100 chapters (an homage to the first ABDL story I ever read!).  The complete story is available on our Patreon in PDF and ePUB format.  If you don't like waiting for chapters, please consider supporting us at: www.patreon.com/sophieandpudding

Thank you all for the past ten years!  We wouldn't be where we are as writers without you guys as our audience. ❤️ 

Also, special thanks to @mahleedl for commissioning this piece and inspiring the concept!

~Sophie

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Butterflies
By Sophie & Pudding

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Chapter One

"Fuck off." I put up my middle finger and stuck out my tongue - some sort of half-step between maturity and childishness.  That sentence just outright summed me up.  But Eliot was getting on my nerves today.  Always asking stupid questions...

"I don't want a boyfriend.  Who wants a boyfriend anyway?  They just talk shit behind your back and sleep around, right?" Speaking as someone who had never had one.

"If it matters so much to you, why don't you go get a boyfriend, hm?"

"I'm not really boyfriend-boyfriend material, Ky-Spy." I flipped my bangs up out of my eyes with a sharp and cynical exhale, a little puff of breath, and shrugged with my palms faced upward - I'd always been a pretty animated example of a young man my age.

Also, it infuriated Kylie when I was aloof, but that was my way of being a conscientious objector to our sometimes-childish bickering. She also hated it when I rhymed her name with things, too.

All a side effect of growing up together.

"I just think you should try it out, maybe have someone you can kick around some, you know?"

"I cannot believe we are having this conversation..." How many times did I have to spell it out?  I don't date!  Well... not the way Eliot thought about dating, anyway. "Why are you on my case about this, huh?  I don't pester you for being single, do I?"

"You do not," I conceded, glibly, before continuing with an almost-too-sharp, "you're too busy pestering me for spending a thousand credits a week on nice clothes when 'one good pair of jeans is all you really need', right?"

Eyeing up a reply, I burst into a little immature giggle and clasped my hands together.

"Oh don't be mad, come on now! I was just winding you up. You make a single pair of jeans look... great, really!"

She wasn't poor, neither of us were, she just had hobbies of the more mechanical nature. Clothes were function to Kylie, not fashion.

"It's a miracle you afford rent," I said flatly and got up from the table.  We had been sitting in the mall food court for the better part of an hour.  Thankfully, malls were back in fashion.  It's wonderful what universal income can do for the economy.

"Come on - I want to check out a new game."

"I don't know how you spend your income on something you never actually get to own."

Kylie shot me a look that told me she was about done with the razzing back and forth, and I tipped my head in unspoken understanding, following along behind her.

"Tell me about this game, what's it about? Is it one of those ones where the Big Burly Man Shoot Gun, or one where the Big Burly Man Throw Ball?"

Games were not my forte.

"It's an RPG.  You can kind of like... I dunno.  Make a character.  Be someone else.  That kind of thing."

"I like who you are," I said under my breath.  Kylie turned to me with a goofy smile.

"No worries; I'm not going anywhere."

"That girl at the game store that hit on you, did you ever call her?" Ky had argued that it wasn't flirting, but I knew better - as far as romantic entanglements went, I knew more than most boys my age. "She's probably working today, do you wanna hit the store outside the mall?"

"No thank you," I said flatly.  I kept looking forward to prevent Eliot from seeing my blush.  I insisted time and again that I didn't like girls, but... well, as the years went on I was less and less sure of that.  I almost felt like I was hanging onto my heterosexuality just to spite people.  A shitty way to live, I guess.  But I repeated my trademark line:

"I don't date."

"Of course you don't."

I didn't either, but for me the statement was more of a 'I'm so bad at this OTL' kind of sentiment. We both had our own hang-ups, it, but together we could probably conquer the world if we could go an entire day without sassing each other.

"I wanna know more about this game!"

I tried to explain to him all the nuances that came with reputation systems, but he definitely wasn't following along.  I had tried to play games with him in the past, but Eliot had the attention span of a may fly when it came to technology.  But he could look at t-shirts for two hours.  I swear...

We were just outside the game store when something caught my eye.  At the end of the hallway, a woman was standing there, leaning against the wall.  Tall.  Taller than me, and I wasn't really short either.  Her hair was reddish and cut short.  But most importantly: I knew this woman.  I knew her and I really didn't want her to be here...

"Hey, uh... you go inside.  I'll catch up..."

"Hi, El, you go into the store that we're here for me to go to, and I'll stand out here and maybe go look at clothes." I said out loud, looking at her with a dopey smile, like she hadn't realized the surrealness of what she'd suggested.

But her eyes read serious, so I did what she said after a tense moment, and found myself immersed in the kinda dank smelling decade-old carpet and wall-to-wall shelving décor of the game store. Oh look, a T-Shirt rack…

When I approached her, she took a few steps away, off to the side and away from the crowds.  I followed after her, until we were as along as two people could get in the middle of a shopping mall.

"What are you doing here?!"

"You weren't answering your phone," she said quietly, almost nervously.

"I'm fine, Marnie.  I... I just need some time to myself, okay?" I crossed my arms over my chest and looked down at my feet.  When had things become so complicated...?

"Time to yourself with a boy?" Marnie tilted her head almost accusatorially, but gave no reason to believe her question didn't expect an answer, either. She wasn't quite an insecure girl, so much as she was an often paranoid one. She didn't like being blindsided.

I balled my hands at my sides and looked up at Marnie with irritation. "I don't date!" I swear, one of these days someone is going to actually listen to me when I say that! "And if I did, it's none of your business.  You're just..."

"...just what?"

I looked at the floor and shook my head.  The thought that came to my mind was mean-spirited.  So I took a deep breath and changed direction.

"I'm... I'm glad you're worried about me.  It's sweet.  But I'll call you when I need you, okay?"

"It's funny how if I took you on your word at that, I never seem to hear from you again, isn't it?" Marnie meant well, she really truly did, but just like some art was defined by its imperfections, so too was Marnie by hers. "I'll wait, but not forever."

"Whatever..." I turned on my heel and went back to the game store, with a whole lot on my mind.  Marnie... why was she doing this?  I just wanted to keep everything the way it was.  Separate.  Simple.  But no...

"Hey, sorry about that," I told Eliot, returning to the game store. "Just had to take care of something..."

"I found T-Shirts. Or I thought they were T-Shirts, and then I touched them, and realized they were just coarse pads for scrubbing pots and pans with, in the shape of T-Shirts, which is a shame cause there was this one that looked pretty cool with a fat little yellow rat on it, but I could not wear something like that." Nor should anybody; clothing that cheaply made ought to be a war crime!

"Yeah... sure."

"Not even a single snide remark?  You sure you're okay?"

Eliot put his hand to my forehead to check for a fever and I brushed him away.

"I'm fine, I'm fine.  Um.  I'm not really feeling the whole games thing.  Maybe we could take off?" I wanted to go home.

"You know, it doesn't take an android to figure out that something happened, so maybe..." It was always best to let Ky know that I wasn't going to cross her boundaries when she was wound up like this. Hmm..

"I'm not going to like push the issue or anything, but I'm here you know?"

I sighed and nodded my head. "Yeah, thanks..." Eliot could be pretty cool sometimes.  I guess that's why we stayed friends after all these years.  Maybe I should have told him the truth.  I could have told him everything, right?  But I didn't think I'd survive the emotional talk.  Emotions really weren't my thing...

"Come on, I'll buy us some ice cream.  I know you already spent all your credits."

"If I spent credits on ice cream, I'd have to spend more credits on clothes, cause mine wouldn't fit." Graciously, I'd accept the free ice-cream though, despite my diminutive frame. Honestly, no amount of food in the world would alter my waifish frame - was waifish a word you could use to describe a boy? Sure, why not - but I didn't generally like to take chances. I liked being small.

So we got ice cream.  He talked about something - fashion or shoes or whatever - and I nodded my head.  I wasn't listening though.  I had a lot on my mind, and I wasn't looking forward to this discussion.  Maybe I should just talk to Eliot.  And make things even weirder?  Pass.

[Samriis]

Yay!  Love seeing new stories from the two of you.  Really looking forward to the ride to come.

[mahleedl]

@Sophie ♥, I'm SO excited in anticipation of seeing the feedback here.  I'm 100% in agreement that this is one of your and Pudding's best works (ya know, not that I'm at all biased, or anything!)  Thank you for the thanks, but my part was in providing the barest seed of a concept.  It's what you two did with that concept that's incredible!  I hope it resonates with many others as strongly as it did with me.

[YourFNF]

Interesting set up although even with color coding I had a hard time differentiating the characters for some reason.

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Two

"So you think something is up?" Noland flipped the burger and pressed it down with his spatula.  Knowing Eliot, he probably hadn't eaten at the mall, and Noland loved to cook.  It was a win-win, really. "I mean, she's kind of your best friend, right?"

"She's more like my anti-hero." I clarified, although I would have said anti-heroine if I knew which spelling of the word meant what I wanted and which one was a drug. Well, Ky was a little bit like a drug, too - sometimes she was just bad for me, but mostly she made me feel good. "Make sure theres no pink in that; if it's pink I can't pretend it's not an animal." The question, though, the big one, well...

"Something is definitely up."

"Did you try talking to her?" Eliot gave Noland a look at he laughed in response. "Yeah, I guess she's not the 'talk about her feelings' type, huh?" Noland had met Kylie a handful of times; after all, he was Eliot's roommate.

"You know in like history and junk, the bad guys would send radio messages just out in the open that you could hear and listen to but which meant like nothing without the codebook? Well, not a person in the world has a codebook for Kylie. That'd be like the dead sea scrolls, like the third evolution of mankind."

For someone with such stunted pop culture media exposure, I sure did get wordy sometimes.

"Maybe try opening up to her, you know?  And she might open up to you." Noland slid the burger onto a bun and topped it with fried onions he had been cooking in another pan.

"I mean, don't tell her you have a crush on her.  But... I dunno, talk about your panties or something." Noland knew a lot about Eliot.  Maybe too much.  Similarly, Eliot knew Noland liked to get pegged by his girlfriend.  Such was the nature of roommates.

"Yeah, see, I just don't think that's going to really help open up a dialogue, Noll, although I do appreciate your insight."

Maybe I should have listened to him, because he was the one who had a girlfriend and I was the one chasing the tail of the girl who thought I should be the one with the boyfriend, not her. It was weird, actually; I spent less time being cute when I was around Ky, like I felt foolish or something? When honestly, a lot of my confidence came from being who I was, and nobody ever seemed to get in the way of that. Except for Kylie, and she didn't even know it.

"I kind of wish I could do-over getting to know her, but giving up everything we've been through would be like throwing out the first ten chapters of a novel.  And you know how I feel about crimes against literature."

"How would it be different?" Noland passed Eliot the burger and took a seat on the stool by the counter. "If you could do it over, I mean.  What would that look like?"

"Maybe I'd start with 'hey, listen, I know I'm a sweet and adorable face, and I'm a real good partner in crime, too, but please understand I'm not into boys all that much and I'm way into you." It sounded a lot worse when I said it out loud. "Or something like that, just a lot less awful sounding."

"I don't think she thinks you're gay.  She's just messing with you because you're always on her case, you know?" Noland pointed to the burger in front of Eliot. "Eat."

"I've already eaten today." Ice-cream counted, right? Noll shot me an icy look and I sighed, taking a bite from the burger only after lifting up the bun, the onions, and pushing my fingers into the hot meat to check for pinkness before I reassembled it and began the ritual of eating.

"I don't think she takes me seriously."

"Do you want her to?" Noland asked. "I just mean... you guys have a pretty good relationship."

"We don't talk about anything real.  We just make jokes."

"Hm... yeah, I guess that's fair.  Do you think she has anyone she talks to like this?  How you and I talk?"

"Probably, but she probably keeps him locked in the back of that one closet she never lets me open, so she can open up and be a human being, then lock his butt away so nobody will ever have any evidence."

That did sound like a pretty cushy job, though.

"Well.  Get real!  Get serious.  Buckle down.  Talk about like.  Your fears and dreams or something.  Tell her something embarrassing about you.  Honestly, I'm still voting for 'I sometimes wear panties around the house', but I'm not your mom.  And maybe like.  Change the relationship a little.  She's stuck with you this long - she isn't going to just up and drop you." Noland really had a way with positive affirmation.

"She doesn't like change, Noll. She doesn't even like it when new video games come out without her knowing everything about it long in advance." The point I was trying to make was that there was no way Kylie was going to like me just dropping some big emotional bomb out of the blue like that.

"...yeah, you're probably right." Noland sighed and rubbed the back of his head. "I'm out of ideas, to be honest."

"Yeah, me too."

"Then let's watch some TV before Jen comes over."

Jen coming over meant that I'd get some good use out of my noise cancelling headphones tonight, because the experience of completely isolated ocean sounds was preferable to the girlish moans coming from Noll's bedroom when Jen stayed the night. No judgment, of course.

As it turned out, I wouldn't have to worry about that - a buzz from the table let me know that Ky wanted me to come over tonight. It was funny how things worked out.

*     *     *     *     *

"Sorry, sorry, sorry..." I fumbled for my keys and managed to get my front door open.  I was late getting home and Eliot had been waiting for over half an hour.  Unlike him, I didn't have a roommate that could let him in. "I had something come up, and I wasn't watching the clock, and ugh.  I'm sorry."

"No problem - I was discussing philosophy with my good friend here, Duke the Marmot." I looked past Ky for him, but it seemed her hasty arrival had frightened the little critter off. "I guess I shouldn't presume their gender or name, though, that was rude of me. Something that came up - was it a bad something?"

"What?  No, uh... just something stupid..." I felt a little sick, to be honest.  I didn't know all this would happen when I invited Eliot over, but I felt too guilty to send him home now.  No, no... we were doing video games tonight.  That's just how it was going to be! "I got that RPG I was talking about, and I want to show you."

"Oh, neat." The game I could take-it-or-leave-it, but the night with Kylie was a night worth having either way. I thought about what Noll had said, about talking about my feelings, my thoughts, my dreams, and I took a deep breath ready to do that... only to be shushed. Kylie wanted it as quiet as a movie theater when we started the game. I didn't know how Ky could be so infuriatingly controlling, and so incomprehensibly adorable, all at once. I did know one thing for sure, though; I was doomed.

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Thank you for reading!   Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Three

"Hey?"

"Hmm.."

"You fell asleep."

I opened my eyes and looked awkwardly at the too-bright TV screen, and then the too-dark face of my friend.  Eliot was looking down at me with an ounce of concern and an ounce of annoyance.

"You check every crate - it's boring to watch."

We had been playing video games for hours.  How long had I been asleep?  It couldn't have been too long.

"You'll always miss the loot you don't look for. I'm sure that some famous sportster said that and it is meant to be very inspiring, but I'm almost certain he was talking about looting dungeons in video games."

Video games were, as established, not really my thing. Neither was finishing books, getting to the end of movies, catching up on television serials - I'd just get distracted by potential discourse, and get lost in the sauce of it all.

I rubbed my eyes and sat up.  It had been a long day, and it was well past midnight.  I checked my phone for the exact time, but three new messages were waiting for me on the screen.  Marnie.  Marnie.  Marnie.  I sighed and turned off the screen.

"I'm going to make us some popcorn." Maybe it would keep me awake.

I grumbled at the thought of Ky making food, because Ky making food always lead to me being coerced into eating. It was bad enough that I'd been subjected to eating twice today - and the funny thing about that? If I protested, Ky would have smugly told me that today was technically now tomorrow and that yesterday wasn't today anymore. And then she'd tell me to stop whining and eat my food.

"Popcorn sticks in my teeth, so I'll just—”

“—eat slowly?" she offered, sternly.

I sighed. Time for a change of subject.

"You got some messages?"

"Oh, yeah.  Nothing important." I traipsed off to the kitchen, and the moment I was out of eyesight, I went to address those 'not important' messages.

As the timer on the microwave ticked down and the bag started to pop, I replied to Marnie's texts:

> Sorry, with a friend.
> No, I'm fine.  It was just an interview.
> I doubt I got it anyway.

"You should mute your phone if you don't want me to know you're typing, you know," I called out from the living room, draping my neck onto the back of the sofa and leaning it backwards so my face was upside down.

Not that I figured that Kylie cared if I knew or not, but she'd waited until she got into the kitchen on her own before the melodious sound of her soft keyboard had started to tick. In my experience, messages sent after midnight were never lacking in importance.

I rolled my eyes and grabbed the popcorn from the microwave.  No point using a bowl when this bag makes a perfectly good container.  Anyway, I had to do all the dishes myself.  The downsides of living alone.  Sometimes I was jealous that Eliot had a roommate.  I popped open the bag and sat beside Eliot on the sofa.

"Holy hell, are you still in this village?  Is their major export crates or something?"

"Crates and minimalist conversational improv. Look at this guy, he just says the same thing over and over. I think I'm getting to him, though, I think if I keep bothering him he's going to break and it'll be like when you make one of those palace guards crack a smile."

What happened, anyway?

"Maybe if I say the same thing to you over and over, I might get a different result, too.”

"You've clearly never played an RPG." Poor boy.  But... maybe it wasn't the worst thing in the world to talk to him.

"I had an interview today, at a skate shop.  And... I dunno.  I really want this job."

That's the thing about universal income: no one needs to work.  People might think that if no one needs to work, they won't work.  But they would, for two reasons:

The first is what Eliot wants: more money.  He spends so many credits on clothes, he would never be able to live without Noland.  It had been a few months since Eliot's last job, and I could already tell he was itching for a new one.

The second reason is because people want to work.  I think everyone sort of does, in their own way.  But they don't want to slave away at a place they hate.  They don't want to be mistreated by bosses and suits that know the money they pay means more than a worker's dignity.  But nowadays, if someone is treated unfairly, they just leave.  It really changed the game.

I hadn't held a job since I was seventeen, since universal income started.  But now, five years later, I really wanted to do something.  Not for the money, but because work feels good when it's not forced on you.  Or, that's what I hear anyway...

"A job would be nice. If I had more credits I could afford to attend more product launches for small indie fashion groups. But if I was working, I wouldn't have the time to attend those launches. Labor really is a paradox."

"Yeah.  But I have a lot of free time, you know?  And... I dunno.  Maybe I'll feel better..."

That last bit was a little too much.  I had strayed outside my comfort zone.  I reached into the bag of popcorn and shoved a kernel between Eliot's lips when he opened his mouth to say something.

"Don't make me eat this whole bag on my own!"

"Don't make me eat carbs covered in fat and salt, please, this is not food it's punishment!"

I actually liked the taste of popcorn, I just didn't have a good relationship with food in general. My temper tantrum was as brief as it was purposeful for relieving some of the tension that seemed to have grown between the two of us.  Big ol' step here, El.

"I wanna talk."

"Alright?"

I thought we were talking.  Or maybe Eliot meant like, a serious talk?  Ugh, I shouldn't have mentioned the job interview.  I should have waited until I got the job or - more likely - not.  I really didn't want to talk about that...

I didn't expect her to agree, and all at once it felt like the weight of the silence was palpable, growing, pressing in. Why was this so difficult!

"So Noll said.."

"Noll said." I raised an eyebrow.

"Listen, Noll's got a lot of depth to him."

"He wears Axe body spray and shops at Walmart for his clothes."

"Listen. I said depth, I didn't say anything about style, okay?"

We were getting off track. Focus. Hmm. What would Noll do? My roommate, my confidant, my would-be therapist, what would he do? Tell her about my panties? Ahaha. That's what he'd suggested, though! Gosh he was a bit of a dummy at times. Okay, Ky kept staring at me, she'd crossed her arms, and I took a breath.

"I just think... sometimes we keep our dialog superficial, Ky, and I like adore your dimply face and want to like... connect more?" Jesus.

I looked at him with a touch of annoyance and narrowed my eyes, my arms tight across my chest.

"I just told you about my job thing, didn't I?  That's not superficial!"

"But you won't tell me about that weirdness at the game store," I countered with a hint of insecurity, "or who keeps messaging you.” This was going south. "I know you think I like boys, but I don't really all that much."

"I didn't say you liked boys, Eliot.  Not like I care if you do - it's whatever.  But why would I even care?"

He looked a little crestfallen.  Maybe because I was raising my voice?  Or something I said?  Either way, I was pretty pissed off.

"Some stuff just isn't any of your business, okay?"

As she got elevated, I got more subdued, quieter, not quite monotonous but close to it. Contemplative.

"You're entitled to your life and your secrets, Ky. Gosh, I have plenty of secrets of my own, things I can't ever tell you."

Disastrous things, to be entirely fair about it.

"I just feel left out. Kind of pathetic when you think about it."

And this was the last damn time I was ever going to try and have 'real talks' with anybody. What a trainwreck!

"Can we just... play this fucking game or something..."

I didn't need this shit from him.  I didn't need to have a fight right now!  I was worried about this job, and Marnie wouldn't leave me alone about stuff, and... and I just... I didn't want to!  I didn't want to do this!

"Yuhhuh, we should play the game." To be honest, I was liable to wind up in tears like a little sookie-lala if we didn't get back to something mercifully shallow. I started playing again. Neither of us said anything to each other. It was awful.

I felt sick.  I didn't know what to do.  I didn't want to yell, not really.  Did I yell?  Or just raise my voice?  Was there a difference?  And the way he looked, and how he talked, and I wasn't sure if I did that or if he did that to himself or... or maybe I should have...

"I'm gonna head to bed," I said to her.  

It had been half an hour and we hadn't say a word to each other.  I nodded and picked up my stuff, heading over to my room.  Eliot would take the spare room, like always.

"Goodnight," I muttered.

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Thank you for reading!   Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Four

After closing my bedroom door, I fumbled through my phone until I found Marnie's number.  I should have her on speed dial or something, for when my hands are shaking like this...

Two rings.

"Hello?"

"Hey... um... can you talk...?"

"I'm talking now." Marnie quipped, but pretty immediately sensed it wasn't the time to be snappy.

"You're upset?"

"Yeah..." I felt tears welling up in my eyes, but I didn't want Marnie to hear it.  I couldn't do this right now.  I couldn't break down and cry and fall apart.  She wasn't here, and I had company, and... and I couldn't.

"Just... I said the wrong thing I think... or maybe I'm overthinking it... I dunno.  And now Eliot's mad at me, maybe?  I didn't... that wasn't..." I shook my head and tears slipped down my cheeks.  Fuck...

"I'll come over." She responded very immediately, and with a tone ready to quash any counter-points as to the matter. "Just for a few minutes, you can come out your bedroom window like a rebellious teenager and we can sit on the curb by my vespa and listen to music and cuddle."

"I can't... I can't, I can't..." I was spiraling.  Marnie was always good at this part.  Unravelling me.  But everything felt impossible, like high looming walls.  And here I was, at the bottom of a very deep well.

"You can't, but you will. I'll be there in a few minutes, I'm leaving now and when I get there you'll be in your cute pajamas, probably barefoot without a coat, and I'll give you mine and put you on my lap and cuddle you until this all stops spinning."

Marnie hung up without waiting for a response and I wrapped my arms around myself.  I couldn't go outside.  Eliot was here, and I couldn't just leave.  But I couldn't stay here alone in this room, either.  Tears were dripping off my chin and my chest hurt like someone had thrown a bowling ball through it.  I couldn't let him see me like this...

It wasn't cold outside, not uncomfortably so, but it was still night time and the crisp air had a tiny bit of bite to it. Marnie's named popped up on the phone with a message that read simply:

> Here

Followed by another that read:

> Climb out your window, or I'm coming up.

Climb out my window.  Like that's the easiest thing in the world.  There was a ledge that sloped down on the roof and that led to a series of small cement blocks.  It was possible, but I'd never done it.  After all, this was my house.  Why would I ever need to climb out my own window?

I went to the window all the same and looked down at the parking lot.  Sure enough, there was a green scooter and a tall girl waiting for me.  I felt happier just at the sight of her...

With a sigh of reluctance, I opened my window and stepped out onto the ledge.

The film industry liked to show certain things as being a lot easier than they actually were. Like, for example, dancing. Dancing was not easy! Or, in this case, balancing on a slanted roof-top in the middle of the night and attempting to make a graceful descent. Also not easy. Marnie did demonstrate, however, when she caught the falling girl who'd lost her damn footing, and managed to look like a swag-ass knight in the process, that some things were easy.

"That was close." Ky was still in her arms, literally caught as perfect as any TV show could have portrayed. "You really shouldn't climb on roofs without a grown up present."

A blush filled my cheeks and I wiggled in her arms until she put me down on the dewy grass.  I forgot it had rained earlier, and my socks started to soak up the moisture from the soil.

"I'm sorry you came all the way out here," I muttered. "I am starting to feel better... I shouldn't have called you..."

I was in the quintessential Phase Two of my anxiety attacks.  Phase One: fear and need.  Phase Two: regret and shame.  Phase Three: Pretending it never happened.  Marnie didn't like that last one in particular.

"Oh, you came all the way down here to tell me that you shouldn't have called me?" Marnie didn't have to sell her role in this encounter; she was quite literally every bit the knight riding in on the steed to save the princess, only she was a woman unlike so many knights, and her steed was a mint green scooter named Prattly.

"You did the right thing by calling. You needed me and I needed some air, and so here we are."

"I didn't want to, though!  I just got scared, and... ugh, it's so wet out here..." Marnie and I scurried off the grass so my socks didn't get any wetter than they were.  Once we were alone under the streetlights, I leaned into her and pushed my face into her neck.  She radiated a magical body heat that seemed to mend my emotional wounds.  I took a deep breath and breathed her in.

Contact was precious, restorative, soft and firm at the same time. And blissfully quiet for a few moments.

"I got you chocolate." Marnie broke the quiet to whisper softly, adding, “jacket pocket.  Go on, you can have it.”

I reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out one of the chocolate balls, wrapped in gold foil.  Ugh, she knew me so well...

I took the ball of chocolate and popped it in my mouth with a teary-eyed smile.  The crying had stopped a few minutes ago, but I still had traces of it around my eyes.

"Tell me about your boy problems?" Unlike the chance day meetings, the paranoia, the insecurity, there was something that replaced all of that in Marnie's voice tonight, something highly maternal.

I let out a sigh of exhaustion and played with her shirt in my fingers. "I dun wanna talk about it..." I never wanted to talk about anything.  Emotions were... I shook the thought away before my mind could finish it.

"Then you don't have to. But feelings only grow, Kylac, and they can get awful big for such an awfully small girl to handle, if you're not careful about them."

Tone soft. Hand to hair. Soft hold. Marnie knew all the moves.

"Can you not say stuff like that, please?" But the way her hand touched my cheek, and the way she brought me close to her... I felt an ache in my chest. "And don't call me stupid nicknames."

"You're cute when you're flustered," Marnie smirked. "Must have been some fight, though, for you to be such a badass you'd climb down your roof in the wet."

I sighed. "I... I dunno.  Maybe it wasn't even a fight.  Maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion.  But he looked so upset, and... and I didn't want to make him upset!  I didn't.  But he was asking about stuff, about you, and..." I shook my head. "I didn't know what to say.  I panicked..."

"Ah, that's a tough one. He's getting awful close to seeing you're an actual person deep down in that aloof shell of yours, isn't he? What a terrible fate that must be."

I gave her a sharp look and broke our hug.  I crossed my arms in front of me. "Don't be such an ass.  I don't want to do all this gooey feelings shit with him.  I didn't even want to do it with you!" Meeting Marnie was pure chance.  A bad circumstance.  Anxiety over crowds at a concert and her already in the bathroom when I slammed the stall shut.  Since then, well...

"You did it once, what makes it any more difficult to do it a second time? Is it because he's a boy, does that make things different? Or is it because you see him everyday?" So that could have sounded passive aggressive, but Marnie was in Caregiver Mode right now so it just came across genuine.

"I did not do it once - you broke into my stall." I glared at her.  I was quickly moving into Phase Three of my anxiety attacks. "You know what, forget it.  You shouldn't have come out here anyway."

"Maybe your boy already broke in and you just haven't noticed yet?" Marnie took one step back, and picked up her helmet from the seat of her scooter. "I mean, your spare room is on the same side of your house as your room." She nodded to the figure in the upstairs window. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I looked up at the window, at a shape in the darkness, and a blur, and definitely movement.  Fuck.

*     *     *     *     *

I closed the door quietly behind me and let out a sigh of exhaustion.  Would he say anything?  Did he even know it was me?  Maybe he never looked out the window; maybe Eliot was just walking in front of it.  I could only hope.  I tiptoed gently through the living room and toward my bedroom.

"You're under arrest, for committing crimes against sock-kind." She darn near jumped out of her skin when she heard my voice, and I held up a pair of socks in front of her - she was easy to sneak up on in the dark of her living room.

"You went outside in the damp in just socks. Here's a dry pair."

So much for not noticing...

"Thanks..."

There was an awkward silence as he passed me the socks.  He was wearing pajamas - clearly he was ready for bed.  And I was still in my interview clothes because I hadn't had the presence of mind to change yet.  Maybe he wouldn't say anything about it.  Maybe we could just move on from this whole mess.

"I was worried you hurt yourself when you fell off the roof - it's a good thing that tall lady was there at just the right moment to catch you."

Maybe the humor didn't convey well, so I just out and gave her a darn hug.

"I'm not sure what happened with us tonight, but I'm really sorry anyway."

...I guess I didn't expect that.  An apology?  I wasn't sure Eliot had ever apologized to me.  Or I had ever apologized to him.  We sort of knew what we were sorry, and we just kind of assumed it.  Then we let it go.  It was a nice part of our friendship.  But this?  I let him hug me and then crossed my arms.

"Yeah... I'm sorry too, I guess.  I didn't mean to yell."

"Hearing you yell is kind of like when speakers are turned up too loud and the music gets lost in the distortion - I could hear what you were saying, but it was difficult to listen. I'll be a better friend." Ironically, this deep conversation was going a lot better. Hah.

I sighed and looked down at my feet.  I couldn't make eye contact with him.  But thoughts of what Marnie said kept running through my mind.  Maybe he already figured me out...

"I... I was trying to, like... be more open.  Talking about that job.  And... I dunno.  Sorry that wasn't enough..."

"I'm sorry for making you feel like that wasn't enough - it is. It really is. I've got this annoying-ass part of me that's gotten all smitten with you. And functionally I know that's never going to happen - you don't date, and if you did, you can do way better." Ouch, there was a landmine of self esteem issues right there.

"I just gotta suck it up, buttercup. Put my big girl panties on and be done with it."

...oh.  Well, that explained a lot.  I uncrossed my arms without thinking.

"Eliot.  You're super cool.  I swear, like.  I wouldn't hang out with you if you weren't.  You kinda like, go my speed and stuff.  And you've been that way since we met.  So... I guess I should kinda try to go your speed a little bit too?" Ugh, what was I saying?

"I just mean... you are a really amazing guy.  And I would probably totally date you if I dated people, and if I wasn't... uhh..."

I'd never said it out loud before...

"...if I wasn't gay."

So there it was - I'd tossed my hat into the ring and she'd gotten one of those big Mexican hats you see in cartoons and tossed it so hard that my hat wasn't even visible anymore, despite being made of cashmere and looking great on me. So I hugged her again, and I squeezed her just a little bit extra tight.

"It's a shame I'm not a girl, huh?"

"Ha, yeah..." I still couldn't make eye contact.  I couldn't even really hug him back.  And I think he realized that, because rather than asking about Marnie, he said he was proud of me.  Then he said goodnight.

I closed my bedroom door and leaned against the wood.  For some reason, I wasn't having an anxiety attack this time.

----------------------

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[YourFNF]

Anxiety is a motherfucker. Can attest.

[Sophie ♥]

On 11/4/2020 at 5:10 PM, YourFNF said:

Anxiety is a motherfucker. Can attest.

Seconded! >_<

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Five

"That’s rough, buddy." Noland was sitting sideways on the sofa as Eliot recounted the previous night. "I mean, I guess it's not that big of a surprise.  But... well, I know you had a thing for her."

"You don't know the half of it." This I say to my friend, while I'm dutifully sorting my undergarments after paying to get them professionally cleaned. As if he didn't already know everything there was to know about me. "I don't know, Noll... it's very frustrating."

"Be supportive!" Noland said sternly. "I know it sucks, but at least you guys are friends and it sounds like she's opening up to you.  If you are a fuckboy about this, I'll kick your ass." He totally could, too.  Noland was a pretty big guy.

"You're literally talking to the anathema of the... well, you know." I didn't like to curse, it sounded dirty in my mouth and I always presumed my mastery of the English Language was sufficient enough that I could always find a better alternative.

"I'm not a tool, Noll. She doesn't owe me anything. It's just disheartening, a wistful, whimsical, 'what could have been' kind of feeling."

"Hmm.  Alright." Noland was persuaded.  He had known Eliot a long time, and 'fuckboy' was never a word he would use to describe him. "More importantly: what's with this girl?  You think they're together?"

"She cuddled with her real close, the way you see on those artsy t-shirts that girls wear? Two people, cuddled under the moon, silhouetted softly, that kind of thing? So probably."

"But!  They didn't kiss."

"Well, I think they saw me..."

"Hm.  Yeah, maybe they would have kissed if they didn't see you." Noland was unsure about this particular piece of the puzzle. "Who climbs out their window, anyway?  Just for the drama of it all?  It's her house!"

"She climbed out of the window of her own house, to go and cuddle with a lady who's about two sizes two big.” Okay, I regretted saying that, but if I were the girl that Ky was into, then I'd be a lithe little artsy girl way into fashion— okay yeah, stop that. You're tragic, you're a trashboat.

"I mean, she was tall, but they never kissed, and then she told me she was gay."

"Sounds romantic," Noland agreed. "Well, maybe you should ask about it?  She opened the floodgates, right?"

"Yeah, but you should have seen her.  She so didn't want to talk about it."

"But she did," Noland reminded Eliot. "And that's because you pushed.  I don't think you should go full force here, but another trickle probably wouldn't hurt?"

"I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask a little more.."

"It's like a web or something.  You got one part.  Now fish around for another string, you know?  The more parts, the more strings, and yeah." Either way, Noland's investment in the 'Kylie thing' was only as far as Eliot took it.  He just wanted to be there for his friend. "And hey, I'm already really proud of you.  I know you don't like making waves."

“Waves are like wrinkles, and wrinkles are the devil’s pruny little fingertips upon the world and our clothes." I tried to sound self righteous, kind of reckoning-y, but I think I fell short and just wound up sounding like a whiny little boy. Ouch.  "I told her it was a pity I wasn't a girl. But we were kinda lost in her moment. I don't even rightly know why I said it."

"Well, maybe to cheer her up or something?  Like a joke?" But Eliot seemed a little lost in his head.  He had stopped folding his laundry all together.

"Yeah. I don't know, maybe." I felt a dull ringing just behind my ears for a moment as my thoughts wandered. It was in no way fair, but at the same time I knew it was just how the cards had fallen. Whatever. I needed to go shopping. "Do you have any credits spare?"

"A few; not much.  But you can take my card if you want." Noland had a job; he worked at an Italian kitchen and he loved every second of it.  So he was a little more frivolous with his money than most.

"I just need to get out, clear my head.”

----------------------

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[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Six

Eliot and I had spoken very little about the whole gay thing, which was just fine in my book!  We hung out a few times - trips to the mall, nights at my place - but nothing really came up.  Until about a week later, on a Thursday night.

"You're going to Patty's tomorrow, right?  Noland and Jen will be there."

"The Solstice party?" Nowhere but Patty's bar would throw a party for the summer solstice, but it was that kind of place.  A cool place, actually.  In my younger years, we played board games in their rec room.  Nick would sneak me beers. "Yeah, I'm going."

"I want to wear this new cashmere vest I picked up. I think it's going to look really dashing with those shoes I ordered from Austria, and... you're not listening, are you?"

To her credit, Ky was honest when she shook her head. She was a low maintenance kind of girl, and her patience for minutiae like mine was already pretty impressive, so I couldn't hold it against her.

"Just tell me I look pretty when you see me, and I'll be pleased, okay?"

"I'm sure you'll look gorgeous." I patted him on the back and ruffled his hair, which I knew he would hate.

After a minute, his tone changed.  Awkward.  Quieter.  When you know someone since middle school years, you get good at noticing those changes.

"So... are you bringing a date?" I asked.

"I'm bringing you," I told him plainly.  I always brought him.  It's not like he had a girlfriend, and I didn't have a boy... or, uh, girlfriend either.  So, it made sense.

"You're bringing me as your date," I clarified, although given the recent topics of conversation we'd had, maybe it would have been better not to be so definitive. Luckily for me, she was her usually oblivious self and simply nodded, looking at me like I was slower than a wet week.

"What about that girl?"

"Huh?" Girl?  What was he talking about?

"The tall one?"

My face soured in response.  Marnie.

"We aren't dating," I said flatly.

"Well, neither are we, and you're bringing me, so..."

"She's not interested." I shuffled down on the sofa and focused intently on the television.  Maybe if I pretended not to hear him, he wouldn't mention it again?

There were times to hold your cards, and times to play them - unfortunately, I'd never really been one for gambling games or having any kind of poker face, being an excitable young peach as I was. The idea of subtlety was a little lost on me.

"You should bring her, if you like her. She might just be saying she's not interested because she wants you to chase her a little bit? Girls can be that way you know?" Of course she knew, she was a girl. Ugh. Listen I was being helpful, okay?

"I don't like her," I said quieter, refusing to look away from the TV.  I wasn't exactly lying.  I just... I didn't like her like that.  I puffed out my cheeks in mild annoyance.  Maybe there was a better way to spin this.

"Anyway, if I went with Marnie" - damnit, name drop - "then you'd be alone.  Can't have that."

"Marnie? That's a pretty name. Like I could see a Marnie being a President or a Queen or something?”

Ky didn't seem all that amused by my babbling, but that was my defense mechanism when things were in danger of being awkward, and I didn't really have much else.

"I'm okay at flying stag you know, I'm a pretty rough and tumble example of manly stoicism."

...alright, that one was funny.  I couldn't help but smile, and he noticed out of the corner of his eye.

"How about!  You find a date before tomorrow and I'll ask Marnie to go, hm?" I shot him a wicked grin and watched the panic wash over his face.  No way Eliot finds a date in one day!  He couldn't find one in twenty-two years.

"If I have a date, then all the boys there will be heartbroken. It would be downright cruel of me to shut everybody down like that, Ky, and you wouldn't want me to break so many hearts would you?"

"Then I guess you're stuck with me!" Game, set, match.

Eliot gave me a sour look and turned to the TV.  I thought the conversation was over, then.  It should have been!  But ten minutes later, at the end of the documentary, he turned to me with mock confidence.

"You got a deal.  You bring Marnie - I'll find a date."

I pursed my lips. "She probably won't want to come." A bold-faced lie.

"Well that's your problem to solve, Ky, 'cause I'm going to bring a date."

I mean, I didn't know where I would find such a thing at short notice, but it couldn't be that hard. I had connections! I could get the hook-up, couldn't I?

Neither of us wanted this!  Why was he acting like that?  To annoy me?  Or was he trying to be a good friend?  Pushing me into the arms of some girl.  But it really wasn't like that!  And even if it was, I didn't date!

I should talk to him.  Tell him how I feel.  Explain that this isn't what I wanted.  But that sounded... insurmountable.  I didn't want to talk about my feelings.

"Fine."

Great.  My worst fears were coming true: Eliot and Marnie were going to meet.

*     *     *     *     *

"A date?" Noland stared at his roommate like Eliot had gone insane.  Maybe this was a Body Snatcher situation.  Had Eliot been invaded by aliens?

"I got you, yo." Jen - Noland's girlfriend - was eavesdropping on the sofa.  She pulled her phone out and started sending some texts. "I honestly think you and Lillian would get along great.  She's super into fashion, and her standards are pretty low."

"Selling me on someone based on them having low standards isn't exactly good for my self esteem, you know, Jen?" But I knew she meant well, and to be honest, I had pretty low standards too - necessity bred that level of invention, right?

"I mean, her last relationship was super shit and you're gonna look like a saint compared to that dickhead." She nodded with certainty and held up her phone. "There ya go.  She'll meet you at Patty's tomorrow at seven."

"...shit, that was fast." Noland was even more impressed with Jen than usual.

"Awesome. She's not allergic to cashmere, is she?"

"What?" Both Jen and Noland asked in unison.

"Never mind."

I was gonna look pretty, even if it meant she died.

----------------------

Two chapters today, because I've been busy!   Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

[diaperpt]

Interesting start to this story. I had to read the first two chapters over to get a sense of who is who but I'm seeing why once I did reread. Kylie is a bit of a puzzling/complex  character at this point and while we already see her little side, I'm eager to find out why she is trying to stay so aloof. I also want to see exactly who Eliot is; how he identifies and how he's going to with that and his feelings for Kylie.

So far, this seems like a very good one as your anniversary story.

[Sophie ♥]

12 hours ago, diaperpt said:

Kylie is a bit of a puzzling/complex  character

You got that right! XD

12 hours ago, diaperpt said:

So far, this seems like a very good one as your anniversary story.

Thank you!! I guarantee you'll only love it more as time goes on. ❤️❤️ 

[YourFNF]

16 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

Chapter Five

 

“Waves are like wrinkles, and wrinkles are the devil’s pruny little fingertips upon the world and our clothes." I tried to sound self righteous, kind of reckoning-y, but I think I fell short and just wound up sounding like a whiny little boy. Ouch.  "I told her it was a pity I wasn't a girl. But we were kinda lost in her moment. I don't even rightly know why I said it."

"Well, maybe to cheer her up or something?  Like a joke?" But Eliot seemed a little lost in his head.  He had stopped folding his laundry all together.

"Yeah. I don't know, maybe." I felt a dull ringing just behind my ears for a moment as my thoughts wandered. It was in no way fair, but at the same time I knew it was just how the cards had fallen. Whatever. I needed to go shopping. "Do you have any credits spare?"

"A few; not much.  But you can take my card if you want." Noland had a job; he worked at an Italian kitchen and he loved every second of it.  So he was a little more frivolous with his money than most.

"I just need to get out, clear my head.”

----------------------

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I am starting to get serious egg vibes from this kid. Maybe both he and his friend wind up mystery woman's baby girls? Tsundere and little princess and as sisters? *giggles* ??

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Seven

"Please don't embarrass me," I told Marnie, my arms crossed over my chest.  I was wearing a shitty band tee and my nice jeans, but Marnie came from work.  Was she overdressed?  No, I was under-dressed.  Just the way I liked it!  Ugh, since when did I care about which way I was dressed?  I didn't want to be here...

"You're going to work yourself up," Marnie said with a soft smile.

"Yeah, no shit..."

"You don't like it when people see you all emotional, because it makes it harder for you to control their impressions of you. Just relax; you're here with a cool, older-looking lady. All you need to do is be your usual charming self." Marnie really did know a thing or two about Ky's wildly vacillating moods, and Marnie was pretty good at helping others with their feelings. When she didn't feel slighted.

...well, she hit the nail on the head, huh?  I sulked a little and slid my hands into my pockets.

"Remember.  We're not dating.  If anyone asks" - and they would! - "we are just friends."

"Of course, although people who aren't dating wouldn't feel the need to be so defensive about it."

I glared at Marnie and she smiled brightly in return.  She was just getting a rise out of me, which was both irritating and... a little endearing.  I mean, she knew me pretty damn well...

"Come on," I muttered, and took her hand without thinking.

Two goals tonight:
1.) Minimize contact between Marnie and Other Friends, and
2.) Don't get too drunk.

*     *     *     *     *

"You are really drunk."

I'd arrived with Lillian, a girl who was pretty in the way that white bread was pretty. She ticked all the right boxes, but without a little butter melted on her, she was otherwise unremarkable. And she asked me like six times if she was 'just here to be my beard'. My outfit came together the way I wanted it to, and the irritation caused by Lillian was nicely contrasted by the dreamy comfort of my ensemble. I loved rich fabrics and good craftsmanship.

Ky looked really pretty even without trying, and her date - the tall girl named Marnie - could hardly compare. But no matter how foul-mouthed and sassy Ky seemed to get in her drunkenness, Marnie handled her with grace and aplomb.

Where had Lillian gotten off to, anyway?

"I'm not drunk," I said with so much stoic confidence that it was nearly intimidating.  And then a moment later, I lost that stoicism to a fit of giggles like a dam blowing open.

"Okay yes, I am drunk.  Not very, but yes, drunk." I had been drunker, but the room had an ebb and flow that shifted with the music.  I'd already bumped into Noland and Jen, who were dancing.  I gave a casual hello and was forced to give introductions.  Ugh.

"Hey!" I shouted, a little too loudly and also not loud enough for the volume of the room. "Where's your date!  You.  PROMISED!  If you didn't bring a date, I'm going to kick your pasty white ass!"

"You know, if that's your thing, I'm sure there are plenty of boys who'd pay you to do it? But that's not me; I'm as fragile as an egg shell." I sipped at the tonic and soda in my little glass, and looked around. "She's uh.... she's around somewhere? I can't say I could pick her out of a crowd though, she thinks I'm super into boys I think and is quote 'looking for a real man' or something?"

"...you are the literal worst date-getter I've ever met." Seriously, he brings a girl who isn't even into him?  But he came back at me with a quick counter.

"If I was, I would have brought you.  You didn't even introduce your date."

Of course, Marnie was standing right behind me, listening to the whole thing.  Here goes nothing...

"Eliot, my friend Marnie. Marnie, my friend Eliot." Did I say friend too many times?  I needed to lay off the rum for a bit.

I smiled charmingly and then shifted my gaze from Ky to Marnie. "I'd say that she's told me so much about you, Marnie, but Ky here is just so busy talking about other things that I guess the topic never came up. Maybe because she avoids topics that make her blush, though?" Like she was doing right now.

"That does sound like her," Marnie said with a laugh and Kylie balled her hands at her sides.

"Do you have to be so annoying?" I asked rhetorically to my best friend. "Isn't there a modicum of social grace in that 200 credit vest of yours?"

"Oh, they asked if I wanted the Social Grace Treatment, along with the stain protection and scotch guard, but you know I don't really like gambling so I told them I'd probably be fine without it."

"It's a really nice vest,” Marnie offered, drink in hand.

"Thank you! Ky doesn't appreciate fashion, but I don't appreciate flashing lights and sounds on the TV with a little paddle in your hands, so I know we don't see eye to eye on everything."

"Aww, I think Kylie's fashion sense is particularly... expressive."

I shot Marnie a sharp look and she passed me back a warm smile, like what she had said was a compliment or something.

"Though," Marnie went on, tapping her chin, "I would prefer you in dresses."

And like that, my frustration simmered into embarrassment.  "Not a chance," I said quietly, and looked away from them both.

"I think she'd look good in dresses, too! Something in a gingham, with an empire waist? Maybe a ribbon flourish, tied in the back?"

When I said this, Marnie's eyes lit up and she nodded excitedly, adding her own additions.

"That's brilliant! And some cute white tights?"

"Right?” Marnie and I bonded over this, but Ky looked like she was going to either implode or explode.

"I need another drink," I muttered and walked away from the both of them.

"So," Marnie said, once she was alone with Eliot, "you're Kylie's best friend, right?  Any words of advice for a new friend?" Unfortunately, at this point, 'friend' was probably the most accurate word for the two of them.

"Ky likes to try new things, but only if she thinks it's her idea. It's all in the phrasing. If I wanted her in a dress, I could convince her to do it, but it would be her idea in her head. She doesn't feel in control of a lot of stuff in her life, so that helps." I was being probably a little too candid, but this was like seeing behind the curtain of my best friend.

"Huh..." Marnie nodded her head and sipped her drink. "Actually, that makes a lot of sense." But there was something else Eliot said that interested Marnie. "What did you mean about 'she doesn't feel control of a lot of stuff in her life'?  She lives alone, right?  She has Basic.  She sounds rather independent."

"And that lets her survive, but if she wants to get on a plane and go to Africa? Or if one of her companies comes out with a new super tendo station or something, she can't just have what she wants. Basic is good, but she's not in the place in life she wants to be. She feels like she's out of the cage, but her wings are still clipped."

Honestly, that was one of the downsides of the basic income system - everybody got a lot more selective about who they hired. Nobody strictly needed to work now, so employers had to make sure they picked people who wanted to work there lest they wind up losing them on a whim.

"I think she just wants a lot but she doesn't know really what that is. So when people give her ideas about it, it clears the air. Or something like that, I'm not a doctor. I'm just a pretty-ass boy."

"Hm..." Marnie nodded her head in understanding, but she didn't say anything else.

I came back with a double shot of rum and coke and took a long sip.  Maybe leaving them alone wasn't the best idea, but I felt a little nauseas from the conversation.  The more alcohol, the less anxiety.  Basic math.

"C'mon, Marnie.  Let's dance.  And El, if you don't show me that girl before you leave here tonight I'm serious about kicking your ass!"

I would show her Lillian, if I ever saw her again that night - which I didn't. But you know, this had its own little fun appeal to it; I got to meet this girl she'd been keeping a secret, and Marnie seemed pretty cool. I wondered if that meant she'd keep her a secret still?

*     *     *     *     *

"Your friend is really sweet," Marnie spoke into Ky's ear, quiet as could be and still be heard over the music on the dance floor. “Maybe the three of us can hang out?"

"Pass," I said sharply.  The tempo of the room compelled my body into motion; the double rum and coke made sure of that.  I barely thought about dancing, and my body just seemed to do it anyway.  Just the way I liked it.  Marnie held my hands and would sometimes twist me around, or steer me away from other dancers.  It was... fun.

"Was it as bad as you thought?" she asked. "Having me meet your friends?"

...admittedly. "No, I guess not."

"And I didn't embarrass you?"

"Not really."

"So you worried over nothing."

Maybe she was right.  Maybe I didn't have to keep Marnie hidden in the shadows.  Or maybe that was the alcohol talking.

Marnie thought a lot about what El had told her, about Ky needing ideas to be fed to her in a way that made it seem like they were own, and she mulled over that in her head for a while before throwing her caution to the wind with a little smile.

"You know, if people saw me more often, they might stop asking questions, too. What we have could just go under the radar, right in front of their noses."

“Sounds risky…” Not really.  Marnie had proven herself pretty well in front of Eliot.  And having Marnie around more meant I might not be anxious as often.  Less sneaking around.  Less worrying.  Hm...

"Well, it's up to you," Marnie said with a smile, and turned Ky around by my hand.

"I'll think about it."

"You're a good girl, Kylie."

Marnie wouldn't have risked it at any other time, in any other place, but here — dancing, with alcohol smoothing over the rougher edges of any conversation or hitches — it seemed a safe little bit of a praise to give. She twirled Ky again, before she could respond.

----------------------

Thank you for reading!   Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

[Jayme]

This story is beautiful but I sometimes have a hard time deciphering who is talking. I love how each person seems to be keeping a secret and how they fear what will happen when the secret comes to light...

 

Again this is a wonderful story from you both!

[YourFNF]

I'm guessing she and Marnie did some AB stuff? and Kylie is still conflicted?

[Sophie ♥]

On 11/11/2020 at 9:52 AM, Jayme said:

This story is beautiful but I sometimes have a hard time deciphering who is talking.

Hmmm. So Eliot and Kylie are both first person, 'cuz that's how we write.  It's very A&S.  And everyone has their own color.  But I do have moments where I put a text from someone else from the perspective of the character, which might be confusing.  Lemme see what I can do.

[Sophie ♥]

On 11/11/2020 at 9:52 AM, Jayme said:

This story is beautiful but I sometimes have a hard time deciphering who is talking

 

16 hours ago, Hopsalot said:

I like this story but I keep mixing up who is who more than I usually do. 

OKAY!  So I restructured some sentences so that color blocks are consistent.  Which means you should be able to easily follow along with the colors to know who is talking without jumping between colors in a single line.  The goal originally was that it allowed Kylie and Eliot to have more in-depth thoughts about the speaker, but I think it just came out as a confusing mess.

Give it another read-through and see if it's easier to follow along.  If there's anything else I can edit to help (that doesn't involve switching perspectives of entire characters for a VERY long story) just tell me and I'll see what I can do.

ANYWAY.  Thanks for reading and hopefully this problem doesn't come up again. ❤️ 

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Eight

"You.  Are.  Drunk!" It was my turn to accuse Eliot, whose cheeks were very pink and his eyes were far away.  He had a refined kind of drunk, where you couldn't quite tell unless you knew him well enough.  Well I knew him well enough!  And he was definitely drunk!

Then again...

"I think we'll be calling a cab," Marnie laughed, with a brilliant, unrestrained smile.  She'd tried hard to stay on the gentle side of tipsy, but Kylie kept pushing drinks into her hands.

"You can crash at my place, if ya wanna," I told her, since my house was way closer than hers.  And then to Eliot: "You too, 'cuz Jen's gonna be at your place, only if ya wanna."

"You're offering me the chance to sleep on the second least vacuumed floor in all of Scottsville? Oh sign me up, Princess Kylie."

I had a little giggle fit and she shoved me, and the three of us wound up in a cab together on the back seat. Somehow I wound up in the middle, because I was "the smallest" and that didn't sound right to me, but the topic had gotten on to Marnie gushing about my cheekbones, and Ky sharing embarrassing stories about my being mistaken for a girl in the past. It was quite the ride.

"Uh huh, and the time at the diner..."

"I was like, fifteen years old."

"Yup!  And you had long, shaggy hair.  And the waitress thought you were a dyke."

"The irony!"

I stuck out my tongue and Marnie paid the cab driver.

"I've got credits, I can help pay." I insisted, and Marnie looked at me up and down and laughed, shaking her head.

"Honey, you're wearing a months credits right there on you, don't even front. I've got this."

"But I feel like a third wheel burrow, you know because you paid for the cab and we're staying at Ky's place. And here I am, that boy that's just tagging along and who'll sleep on the floor in the kitchen."

Ky gave me a sharp look and Marnie laughed.

"Drama queen," I snapped at him. "Sleep on the sofa and stop bitchin'!"

"You have a spare room," Marnie reminded her, like she forgot.

"That's for you - El sleeps over all the time.  He can take a night on the sofa."

"Or he can have the spare room and I'll sleep with you."

I blinked.  Eliot blinked.  We were trying to process what Marnie had said at the exact same time.

I mean, that made sense. They were both girls. I nodded my head with an empathic thumbs up.

"Sooooounds good!"

I followed Marnie out of the cab and reached for her hand, managing to catch her as Eliot went ahead into my apartment building.

"You can't stay in my bed," I said in a hushed whisper. "That's too..."

"Gay? Yes it is, and we need to be good Gay Parental Role Models for our little boy in the spare room or he might grow up to have some misguided notions of heterornomativity. And by gum that is not happening under our roof."

Ky was agape, and Marnie laughed.

"Oh my god, chill the fuck out Kylie. It’s just sharing a bed. You'll be asleep before I even lay down. You're so drunk right now."

I puffed out my cheeks and crossed my arms. "Am not..."

Marnie followed Eliot inside and I hurried to catch up.  Maybe inviting them back here was a mistake?  But taking the stairs one at a time was hard enough.  By the time I made it to my second-floor apartment, I wasn't sure how much longer I could stay standing.  Eliot ran into the door frame on his way to the bed and I escaped into the bathroom.

"Is your bedroom the one with the Star Wars comforter, or the one with the Star Trek comforter? They're the same thing, right?" Marnie called out to the bathroom, on the way to the kitchen to find some Pedialyte so maybe a hangover wouldn't be an inevitability. She heard El's voice calling out that even he knew that she'd spoken sin words.

I fumbled down on the toilet seat and looked up at the sink as the whole room swayed back and forth.  Very drunk.  Yup!  And very tired.  My eyes were heavy.  But I managed to pull myself up from the toilet when I was done and brush my teeth.  No bad breath here!  Especially if I had to sleep with someone in bed with me.  Ugh, this was going to be awkward...

I turned out of the bathroom and went straight to my bed before flopping face-down on my sheets.  So soft.  So comfortable.

The next thing I knew, Marnie was feeding me a cup of water.  Not water - fruity water.  I sat upright and looked at her through bleary eyes, adjusting to the light of the room.

"If you don't drink it, you're going to feel rotten tomorrow. Then your charming little boy princess next door is going to think you can't hold your liquor, and you don't want that, do you? So be a good little one and drink up, so tomorrow you can show everyone what a big girl you are."

Marnie kept things to a minimum in public, but behind closed doors, especially inebriated, a lot more was allowed to come out.

I looked up at her with blushing cheeks and took the cup from her hands.

"Cut that out," I muttered and took a sip of the fruity liquid.  It wasn't bad.  It would probably go good with some vodka...

"I will not." Marnie asserted, and put her hand on the back of Kylie's neck, but only so she could kiss her right in the center of the forehead. "Bedtime, though. Sweet dreams, Smylie"

"I... um." I looked shyly at the woman as she started tidying my bedroom.  Cleaning up my clothes.  Fixing my makeup mirror.  I took another long sip of the fruity water and rubbed the sleep from my eyes.  It was getting harder to stay awake.

"Those don't sound like the sounds of sleeping."

Of course, Marnie wanted more, but what she wanted was far from sexual. Either way, it wouldn't be right to push the advantage with a drunken girl - especially one who had so much trouble showing vulnerability to start with.

I pouted and took another long sip of the cup before setting it down on my nightstand.  Then I did something I probably only would do when drunk.  I took a deep breath and asked for a favor.

"...lay with me?"

"Anything you want, Smylie." Marnie crossed the room with her elegant strides, and she slipped down onto the top of the covers next to the object of her affection, wrapping arms around her in a way that couldn't help but have her feeling small by comparison.

This was the moment to touch her.  To run my hands up her hips, to her large breasts.  To lean up and push my lips to hers.  To take on all the feelings and sensations of a girl in my bed.  But I didn't do that.  I pushed my cheek into her chest and rested my arm on her hip.  She wrapped her arms around me and kissed me once - softly - on the top of my hair.  Then... then, I think I fell asleep.

----------------------

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[YourFNF]

13 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

...lay with me?"

"Anything you want, Smylie." Marnie crossed the room with her elegant strides, and she slipped down onto the top of the covers next to the object of her affection, wrapping arms around her in a way that couldn't help but have her feeling small by comparison.

This was the moment to touch her.  To run my hands up her hips, to her large breasts.  To lean up and push my lips to hers.  To take on all the feelings and sensations of a girl in my bed.  But I didn't do that.  I pushed my cheek into her chest and rested my arm on her hip.  She wrapped her arms around me and kissed me once - softly - on the top of my hair.  Then... then, I think I fell asleep.

Awww ? So cute

 

[Sophie ♥]

On 11/13/2020 at 3:45 PM, Hopsalot said:

Oh you didnt need to go and change it! 

It was a point of contention in my editing as well.  I'm glad I have some finality to the concern, tbh.  Thank you though!! ❤️ 

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Nine

I wasn't good at eating - I think by now I had established that - but when I woke up in the morning, I had an insatiable craving for something salty.  All Kylie had in her house that could fit that description was Salted Caramel Tea, so that's what I made for breakfast, and the whole living room smelled heavenly sweet as a result. Kylie and Marnie hadn't awakened yet, and I was wondering about leaving before they did, but I began to hear stirrings from her bedroom. Wow, I had a headache.

"Mm..." I stumbled out of my room one step at a time, holding the wall for support as I made my way through the small apartment to my kitchen table.  I sat down in the comfiest chair - as none of them were from the same set - and put my face down in my arms.

"I'm dying..."

"I was going to make you breakfast, but the idea of being around food right now is somehow even more disgusting than usual. I made tea, though; it's in the pot on the stove."

I was on her sofa, checking the pictures I posted on social media from last night - it was important to check what was Clout and what was Cringe, after all.

"How did you find tea in this house?  I haven't bought tea in like two years."

"I buy it and hide it here."

"...that makes sense."

I looked up at Eliot on his phone and shook my head.  Where was my phone, anyway?  Probably in my room.  Or Marnie put it in her purse at the bar.  Ugh, I hope I didn't lose it again.  I got up from the table and went back into my room to find it.

"If you two want to do a breakfast together, or something," I leaned my head over the back of the arm rest of the sofa, looking at her bedroom door upside down and vaguely, dizzily tracking the passage of my best friend through her own room, "I can head off."

"You have as much right to be here as she does," I told him. "Probably more, since you're my best friend."

Marnie was still in bed, but I could tell she was awake.  Her breathing was different.  So I poked her on the shoulder.

"Phone?"

"Rude way to ask, I would say," Marnie mused sleepily.

"No, no games."

"It's not a game to use your manners.  I'd expect it from any adult."

I groaned and rolled my eyes. "...please may I have my phone?" Jeeze, this felt stupid...

"Here you go." Marnie produced the phone from under the covers, warm and scented with sleepy boob essence. "Hey don't give me that look, you're lucky I picked it up from the bar when you walked away from it."

Yeah, well.  She had me there, didn't she?

I tapped the screen.  Dead?  Or turned off?  I held the button on the side and the screen flashed to life.  Marnie must have turned it off.  I made my way back out to Eliot at the kitchen table.

"There are some choice pictures of you, Ky, just so you know." Actually, some really choice ones. It turned out that even when I was drunk, I only ever uploaded flattering pictures. Kylie dancing with Marnie; intimate but casual enough that it looked like they could just be friends. And then there was Kylie on top of a table, singing into a cucumber like a little rock goddess.

Social media was a sucker's game.  I didn't even have those apps.  If it wasn't for Eliot, I would never know what anyone thought about me, which was just fine in my book.  Generally speaking, no one had anything to say anyway.

A notification sprang up on my phone.  A missed call?  No, three...

And three voicemails?

I didn't recognize the number.  I swiped over to my voicemail app and put my phone to my ear.

“—wondering if you were still coming to your shift—”

Oh, no no no...

“—rescheduled for this afternoon at twelve, if you are still interested—”

I checked my phone between messages.  12:44pm.

“—decided to go with a more reliable employee—”

I looked at my phone in shock.  I was scheduled for today?  I... I wasn't.  I just got the email about the job, I didn't think... no, it didn't say anything about a schedule.  It didn't!

I fumbled with my phone to dial the callback number.

I didn't hear anything from the voicemails, and Kylie didn't say anything, but the mood in the room got miserable all of a sudden and I could hear her pacing. I sat up to watch her dialing on the phone, shaking her head as her pacing grew faster. No answer. She called back. No answer. Something bad had happened? Death in the family? No. Missed an important call, though...

Fuck.  Fuck!  I called the office number and was sent to voicemail. "Hi, this is Kylie Maison, I had a shift today.  I... I mean, I didn't know I had one.  I was... I didn't get an email about it.  But I got calls saying I did.  Um.  If you could just... call me back." But they wouldn't.  Missing my first day?  That lack of interest was exactly what companies were trying to avoid.

I clicked off my phone and stood there for a minute before throwing it across the living room.  It bounced off the couch and into the wall.

Fuck.  Fuck, fuck, fuck.

"I'm sorry that happened, Ky. Do you want to talk about it? Cuss them out, or the party, or me or whatever? Sometimes just yelling can be pretty good catharsis of the soul, they say." I wasn't knew I even knew she was starting a job. Her habits weren’t expensive.

I fell against the wall and shook my head, crossing my arms tight over my chest.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I was going to throw up.  The alcohol?  No, I knew better... I shook my head and wrapped my arms around myself as tightly as I could, digging my nails into my arms.

I couldn't do this now.  Not in front of Eliot.  Not in the middle of my goddamn living room with him here and Marnie and... I should run.  Run out of the house without shoes and just never come home.  But I couldn't even move.  If I squeezed tight enough, maybe I'd condense into a ball of dark matter.  A dwarf star.  And I'd implode in on myself.  Could I do that?

It felt like I could.  My chest felt like a thousand dwarf stars.  My head felt like a black hole.  I struggled to remember how to breathe...

I'd gotten up off the sofa pretty quickly, but I guess I wasn't as quick as I thought.  Marnie appeared out of nowhere and was at Ky's side like a handmaiden before I could even blink. She was speaking softly, smoothly, tenderly, asking Kylie to follow the sounds of her voice, to breathe in time with her, that she could make it through this to the other side. Honestly, with Ky, I'd both never seen her quite so freaked out, and I could never have imagined someone handling her so well. Which was why it surprised me when Marnie called me over to help - I didn't know jack about any of this!

I shook my head side to side.  No.  Just no.  I pushed her off me and stepped away from the wall on shaky knees.  I looked up at her, at Eliot, and... and I just... I didn't know what to do.  Did I ever know what to do?  Why was I so terrible at this?  At just existing?

My breathing was erratic, off beat, deep, then shallow.  Louder than I wanted it to be.  I wanted to stop it!  How?  How did I stop being so loud and wrong?

"Ky..."

"I'm fine, just... leave me alone.  Both of you, just..." I ran out of oxygen before I could say it again.  Stars filled the sides of my vision.

I couldn't breathe.  I swear, I knew how.  But it just... wasn't working.  Too fast, too slow.  My chest hurt so badly, and my head spun with unhelpful thoughts.  Or, unhelpful truths.  I shook my head again and again and tears filled the edges of my eyes.

"I'm here. I'm here and you're here in the present, and everything is safe."

I, conversely, didn't know how I fit into any of this. I watched Marnie, the way she hovered but didn't touch, the way her words led to destinations and anchors, and didn't draw Kylie away.

"If you like, you can cuddle me, I can cuddle you, wouldn't that be nice? I can hold you, and you can hide. That would be nice."

I shook my head side to side.  Even with Marnie right there, I just... I didn't want this to be happening.  I didn't want it.  Not here, and not with Eliot, and he saw, and he was watching me, and I could see the confusion on his face through the tears in my eyes.  Tears on my cheeks.  I couldn't breathe.

"Leave me... al—"

Marnie's finger touched my lips.  Soft.  Gentle.  Quieting me.

"No more words, they just make mazes for you to get lost in."

I felt awkward, like I was seeing something I shouldn't be, like I was behind closed doors and didn't have a ticket for this show. If Kylie had told me to leave, I would have; but Marnie was more proactive. Marnie pulled Kylie into her arms, and pulled her head against her chest. Marnie played with her cheek, and hummed to her. Marnie put her thumb between Kylie's lips and told her to suck on it, and I didn't think I could be more lost.

I shook my head and tried to push Marnie away, but her hug... her body against mine.  The softness of her touch and the heat of her skin.  I settled into her.  And when her thumb touched my lips, my mouth opened on instinct.  I sucked softly on her thumb and I felt my eyes flutter closed.

My chest hurt.  My eyes hurt.  My brain hurt.  It wasn't going away!  But I... I felt like I could breathe again.  A step in the right direction.  A guiding light in the darkness.

"El, could you take my credit card from my purse in my room, and order some food for us, please? Kylie would like English Muffins from McDonalds with orange jelly. You can order anything you like."

I didn't like. I couldn't even think about food right now. But I did it anyway, because somehow Marnie had a magic impact on my best friend and I wanted to do my part. I didn't think she was right about the muffins, though; I'd never seen Marnie eat an English Muffin with Orange Jelly before, but Marnie sounded quite certain about it. I sat in Kylie's bedroom and ordered the food using Marnie's card. Faintly I could hear her talking in the living room.

"...it's all going to be okay, because that's just how things work out, Smylie."

I wasn't sure how, but Marnie had brought us to the sofa.  I was sitting... almost on her lap, with my head against her chest and my legs over her legs.  Tears continued to drip down my cheeks, but my chest pains were starting to ebb away.  My horrible thoughts were retreating for cover.  Whenever I thought about those phone calls, Marnie would talk to me.

"Such a good girl... darling girl... I'm going to keep you safe.  No one's going to hurt my little girl... shh..."

Safe...

I felt like a function of the background; I stayed out of the way and I got the door when the food was delivered. I put the muffins on a plate all nice too, and Marnie spoke to Kylie in tones I'd never have imagined her tolerating, let alone being soothed by.

"My little muffin, I got your favorite right here."

I was out of eyeshot, but I heard it clear as day when Kylie asked in the smallest possible voice I would imagine, if ‘the orange jelly was there’. This was so surreal.

Marnie helped me sit up and spread jelly on the muffin.  My head felt fuzzy.  I was barely registering anything that was happening.  Even Eliot in the corner was a blur to me.  But Marnie handed me the English muffin and I took a bite.  It tasted... really... nice...

I tried not to stare. I also tried not to be obvious about looking away. Not to be too invested, but not to be disinterested, either. Honestly, I was so uncomfortable. But Kylie seemed to be doing so much better.

"That's a good girl, look at you... you're doing so much better, aren't you?"

I looked up at Marnie and nodded, though I wasn't sure if I was doing better at all.  Honestly, the whole world felt flat, like someone had squished it in a hydraulic press.  The same colors, the same spaces.  Flatter.  Easier to make sense of.

Then I remembered.  Eliot.  Marnie.  Oh no...

"S-sorry, I'm sorry... I didn't..." I tried to get up from the sofa, but Marnie pulled me back down.  Phase Two of my panic attacks: regret and shame.

"Eliot is here, and he's very worried about you - but he's also very proud of you for letting us help. Isn't that right, Eliot?”

Ugh. Put on the spot. Fucking. Well. I guess I was climbing on board the 'trust Marnie' bus here. Deep breath. Sell it.

"Absolutely, Ky."

"See?"

"It was just a stupid job... I should freak out over a stupid job.  I didn't even want it that bad!  Ugh, fuck, fuck—”

"Language."

I froze in place and a warm heat came over my cheeks.  I looked up at Marnie, then at Eliot, and then down at my feet.  Maybe he wouldn't see me blushing...

"It was something real important to you, and it didn't work out and you feel like you could have done more. That moment is over now, which makes it a lesson for the future and not a mistake for the present."

There were more of those leading words. I honestly couldn't take my eyes off the two of them. Marnie was just...really good for her. Good at making her smile. Good at making her blush. I actually felt inadequate.

"I didn't have to react like that... I shouldn't have... I'm so..." More bad thoughts.  Swirling thoughts.  But even in Phase Two, Marnie knew the right words to say.  She knew how to make me feel safe and loved.

"You're at home surrounded by people who adore you, and you couldn't be anywhere better right now."

I cleared my throat and added, for posterity sake, onto what Marnie had already stressed.

"She's right, Ky. Bad stuff happens and it's not always easy to process it. You do your best, that's all any of us can do."

I looked from Marnie to El and back again.  Then I bit my lip nervously.  Marnie reached up and touched her thumb to my lip to stop me, and I felt a deeper blush on my cheeks.

"I... I guess..."

"How about I draw you a bath, hm?" Marnie asked with a smile. "You always feel better after a nice warm bath."

"...alright.”

A bath. That was probably my cue to leave, right? But Marnie didn't explicitly tell me to leave and I didn't want to screw things up more, so I didn't take action on any inference. I just moved back to the sofa and played on my phone, so Ky could be led to the bathroom by Marnie. Her girlfriend, right? Nobody could be this close and not be in love. How could I ever have hoped to compare with Marnie? Gosh I was an idiot.

It was about twenty minutes later when Marnie came back out to the living room.  Her top was a little damp near the bottom and she had an air of exhaustion about her.  With a sigh, she approached Eliot and patted him once on the head.  Sort of like a puppy?  But maybe a little more like an adult would do to a child.  Given their difference in height, it wasn't all that difficult for Marnie to do.

"Thanks for helping out."

"Thanks for taking care of her."

I didn't know what else to say. I didn't want to tell her off for messing with my hair, because I figured we were probably at the point of familiarity now that I didn't mind it. I didn't want to tell her how uncomfortable all this made me, because that seemed to reflect badly on Kylie. But words were hard.

"You're confused?" Marnie guessed.  Perhaps that wasn't the precise emotion on Eliot's face, but she had only known the boy for a day. "Did you know she had anxiety attacks like that?"

Eliot shook his head.

"She doesn't like to talk about things," Marnie lamented. "I only figured out by happenstance..." Marnie recalled meeting her new friend at a concert a few months ago.  Since then, things had been... odd for Marnie.

"Ky's like a politician; it's crucially important for her to control the flow of information. When she's upset, I can usually tell, but that's mostly because that's when she sends me away. She likes to keep control of her narrative."

Or, well, that was the best I could explain it.

"That's... very well put." Marnie smiled warmly at Eliot, so much so that he felt a little proud of himself.  Marnie seemed to have that power with people.

"Well, I should get back to her, then.  She should be in the 'pretending nothing happened' part of her anxiety attack now." Despite the clear annoyance in Marnie's words, she was still smiling.  Like even the annoying things were worth smiling over.

"I'll get my things packed up, then. There's a good chance she'll come out and be like 'Alright El, off you go' like she does when she thinks I don't know she's sending me away because she's upset."

I smiled awkwardly at my own half joke and Marnie rolled her eyes.

"Perhaps it's worth standing up to her today," Marnie said, almost as an afterthought. "I wouldn't be where I'm at unless I fought back."

With that, she left the room, leaving Eliot alone with his thoughts.

I thought about that, about the differences between Marnie and I. How I'd given Kylie everything she asked, and she saw me as a supporting role in the play that was her life. Marnie stood up to her and told her ‘no’ sometimes, and she was cast out to the shadows and hidden away in obscurity. But who was better for her? Who was the better person? It was so much to think about.

After getting out of the bath, I thought Eliot would be gone.  But he wasn't.  I gave him a sideways glance as I walked across the living room to pick up my phone.  A few nicks on the corner, but... well, no cracks on the screen at least.

"I can order a pizza if you guys want.  Not like I have anything else to do today." Maybe I could finally beat that game...

Ordering a pizza meant a social obligation to eat, and I wasn't about that right now, but maybe with Marnie here it could go under the radar. I thought about that for a few seconds, about fighting her on things, and decided this wasn't worth it.

"I've got nothing else going on, Ky, you know me. I could do with a shower, but I didn't bring any spare clothes so there's not much point anyway. Cozy day in sounds great."

I saw Marnie roll her eyes and shake her head.

"I have somewhere to be, actually.  I'll talk to the two of you later." She gathered her purse and her phone and was quick to get her shoes on. "Nice meeting you Eliot.  Feel better, Kylie."

I waved and she closed the door behind her.  Well... at least I didn't have to talk about anything now.

It was a risk. I knew it was a risk, too, but maybe Marnie got me thinking about it enough for me to feel emboldened, and I took a deep breath.

"I think she's pretty good for you, Ky. I'm glad you found someone who cares a lot."

Deep sigh.  Of course that's what he thought...

"Marnie and I aren't dating," I said for what felt like the hundredth time. "We are just friends.  Now what do you where do you want to order pizza from?"

Today, I retreated. It wasn't worth it to upset her, not when she'd already had such a crappy morning. Maybe it was cowardice giving up that justification, but whatever. Force a smile and move on.

"Wherever you want, Ky."

The less input I had on the food, the less likely it was I'd be offending her when I inevitably didn't eat.

Why did things feel so awkward though...

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[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Ten

"How long has it been?" Noland asked with an air of dread.

"Almost a week..."

"And she just says she's 'busy'?"

Eliot nodded.

"Sounds like she's ghosting you," Jen shrugged.

"Isn't ghosting like... not answering the phone?"

"If she didn't answer the phone," Jen countered, "you'd turn up at her house.  Arguably worse than saying she's busy."

"I think I saw something she didn't want me to see, and she's gotta control that. The idea of her not being able to control what people think about her is pure anathema, and it's one of the things I love most about her."

Noland and Jen both stared at me and I sighed, rubbing my temples in reflection.

"Don't even act shocked; I gush about this girl like six times a day."

"I dunno dude," Noland sighed. "Maybe you should give her some space.  Sounds like she needs it."

"Fuck that!" Jen interjected. "I know how girls like her work.  You want in, you're gonna have to force your way.  If she's ghosting you, she's not going to just 'get over it'."

"Yeah, but he could like... make things worse."

"Orrrr make them better?"

"50/50 shot?" Noland shrugged.

"Actually, since it's me versus you," Jen countered, "more like 80/20, in my favor."

Noland nodded. "Yeah, good point."

"That's what that Marnie chick says too, but notice she keeps her in a secret shadow of shame, but me she's pretty proud to have around."

I mean, I was pretty cool, right? Cool as a boy wearing panties under his pants and painting his nails could be, anyway.

"Well, right now it looks like she's hiding you away anyway," Jen said simply. "But hey, it's your life.  Good luck."

Noland patted Eliot on the shoulder. "You'll figure it out.  You guys have known each other since middle school.  It's just a road bump."

"Yeah."

I knew that. I guess that was why I listened to the one voice in the room who seemed to be just about on the same wavelength of crazy as Kylie was, and I went over to her house that night. Dressed nice, cute buttoned shirt (they sold it as a blouse but I'm a boy, so it's a shirt) with some pants that made my butt look good. Date clothes. Yeah, so what? I knocked on her door, even though I knew where she kept her spare key.

I knocked for a few minutes, as loudly as I could.  But in the end, I only had one course of action.  I found the spare key beneath a loose stone and unlocked Kylie's apartment to a very surprising sight!

She wasn't home.

Maybe she was busy after all?

I felt awkward, because this made me feel like I was an interloper and I hadn't trusted her. Stupid Jen. Stupid me for listening, though! I didn't want to pry or prod, so I didn't stay long; I did a lap of her living room looking for any signs of where she might be, and then I left and locked the place back up. I didn't have Marnie's number, and Ky was probably with her anyway, so I dejectedly left to go home.

*     *     *     *     *

"Mm... what do you want?"

Eliot had been calling me every five minutes for the past hour, and I was well and truly irritated.  I rolled over in Marnie's spare bed and looked at the stars on the ceiling.

"Do you know how late it is?  Are you dying?  You better be dying..."

"You're ghosting me."

I didn't think I'd ever used that term, despite being pretty social media savvy. I think mostly it's a girl thing, cause I didn't know any boys who did that. My social group was pretty small, though.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I muttered quietly.  He probably couldn't tell the difference between a lie and outright exhaustion, thankfully. "It's the middle of the night.  This couldn't wait until morning?"

“I’m always honest with you, Ky." Maybe it was a dumb way to start things. I was new at this whole 'confrontation' thing, so sue me.

"You saying you're busy all week after I was there for you when stuff was pretty rough, and I didn't judge you, I didn't push you, didn't ask you to talk about your feelings. I just let you be you. But avoiding me all week after that... that's not you being very honest with me."

"I was busy all week," I said sharply, sitting up in bed to get a little more gusto and annoyance into my voice. "I've been at Marnie's most of the time and I've got my own shit going on and the whole damn world doesn't revolve around you!"

"Three things can be true at the same time. The world doesn't revolve around me, and you've been at Marnie's, and you're avoiding me. I'm... just glad you're okay, Ky. I'm gonna go, I won't bug you again."

I felt foolish, because proving myself right in this case didn't really help anything.

Shit.  Shit shit shit.  Ugh!  I rubbed my forehead with my fingers and closed my eyes tight.  I didn't want to do this.  But this boy was so fucking stupid sometimes, and he would probably let me throw him off a bridge if I asked.  So...

"...you're right.  I'm avoiding you."

Yeah, it didn't make me feel any better to hear her say it. Why would I think it would, though?

"It's alright. I just wish you'd told me why, like maybe if I smelled bad I could shower more," I showered twice some days, so it definitely wasn't that, "or like if you found something out about me, like a secret, I could explain it?" But we both kind of already knew why:

She was a politician.

"I... don't... I don't know..." I mean, I knew.  I just didn't know how to explain it. "I'm... embarrassed?  Or... I dunno.  Ashamed?  Or maybe I'm just too scared to try explaining it?  I feel stupid and shitty and... and it's easier to just run from this stuff instead of talking about it, you know?"

I sighed and fell back onto the bed. "I'm... sorry.  I didn't mean to hurt you.  I just... didn't know what to do."

"You could try talking to me. You could literally say 'Hey, El, I think I'm in love with the mascot out the front of the plushie store, so I spent six hours today pretending to be it's handler just to be together' and I wouldn't care. And like it's pointless for me to tell you that because you know it, you know that being ashamed with me is dumb, because I'm so non judgmental it's almost a character flaw."

"That's not the problem," I said a little sourly. "You... ugh, it's really not you.  You didn't do anything wrong, okay?  I'm just fucked up, and I don't like doing this shit, and I'm tired of getting hurt by..."

I shook my head and closed my eyes tight.

"I dunno.  Maybe I can't do this.  Maybe I should let you hang up..."

What I needed was Marnie.

"You were really cute, that day. With the muffins and the orange jelly." Maybe reminding her of that in this moment was the wrong thing to do. I thought about a different angle.

"It was a part of you that nobody else gets to see, and I bet you feel really vulnerable having had that shown to someone. I'm gonna share something vulnerable about me, so maybe the balance sheet can be in the black again?"

Cute.  Vulnerable.  His words were grating at my patience.  But then something about sharing something of his?  I wanted to be angry, but... I have to admit, my curiosity was getting the better of me.

"...alright.  Go ahead."

Well, crap. I kind of expected her to yell at me about it not being about me, and not to actually call me out on the invitation. In for a credit in for a credit card, right?

"I wear girls’ underwear. And I paint my nails, although I take it off whenever I'm done. Sometimes I take pictures first, though; I have a whole second social media page for that."

What's going to happen? Is she going to think I'm weird? Going to ghost me? Hah. Yeah I was way off the reservation now. And hey she wouldn't care about the panties thing; the painting my nails was the way weirder one.

"...huh."

I wasn't sure why, but... that helped.  Like a lot.  I pulled my knees to my chest and switched my phone from one ear to the other.

"Marnie isn't my girlfriend.  She's kind of like... a caregiver, I guess?  I had a panic attack at a concert a few months ago and was freaking out in the bathroom.  She... I dunno.  Fixed it.  And she's been fixing it ever since."

Jeeze, I felt stupid... but stupider than Eliot wearing panties?  Probably not.

"I can't control them... I don't know why.  They just happen, and I feel terrible, and... and Marnie makes them not feel terrible, you know?  I dunno.  I feel shitty, relying on this total stranger for something so... big.  And I try to repay her, I guess.  But.  I dunno.  Anyway.  That's the big secret..."

It was weird, because a part of me felt like I already knew everything she told me, but it had been redacted from the document of our friendship.

"I don't think she does it for repayment. I think she likes you a lot, though. I don't know if it's like romantically, like when you have this stupid guy friend puppy dog crushing on you, but I don't think she'd put in that emotional labor if it wasn't out of like genuine caring and stuff, right?"

I let out a sigh of exhaustion. "Yeah, I get you.  I mean, I know what she gets out of it.  Sort of..."

I still didn't fully understand it, but I was learning more and more every day.  Ugh, what was my life becoming?

"Anyway, I guess I'm not ghosting you anymore.  But I am staying at Marnie's for a few more days.  The whole... job thing really got to me.  So..."

"So she's been caregiveri... caring-gaver... she's been taking care of you and stuff, right? I'm gonna go over to your place and water your flowers then, now that I know you're not home."

And I knew that they needed watering, because I'd been there just today.

"Thanks.  Yeah.  That's really cool of you." It's remarkable how opening up to people can either end extremely good or extremely bad... there's not much of a middle ground.  I slid back down into bed and looked up at the glow in the dark stars.

"I really like her... not like a girlfriend, but... as... whatever she is.  I sometimes feel like I'm cheating, using her to skip all the hard stuff.  Like, using cheat codes in a skateboard game.  No real victory, you know?  Shouldn't I just... I dunno.  Do my best without the cheat codes?"

"Life is a rental, Ky; you don't get to keep it forever and you've only got this one really short time to have it and enjoy it. I think if you're doing something that makes you happy, it makes the other person happy, and you're both consenting adults, I don't think anything is a cheat code really. I take a pill so I don't sweat cause the smell of boy sweat makes me oddly uncomfortable for reasons I am not going to explore - is that cheating? Should I just learn to deal with it?"

"Uh, probably.  That one's kind of weird."

But jokes aside, I knew what he meant.  It wasn't worth making my life harder just to say I "did it without cheating".  Victory doesn't have to be the only goal.  Sometimes it's just having fun.  Like playing with Moon Gravity on.  Way more fun than the normal game.

"Thanks for like... talking to me about it, I guess?  I dunno.  I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be."

"Yeah it's funny how easy some things turn out to be - learning to ride a bike, learning to wipe your own butt, talking to your best friend..."

I knew she wasn't in the mood for teasing, though, and I lightened the mood with a follow up.

"Of course, I don't know how to ride a bike, so..."

"We'll work on that when I get back," I said with a smile. "But it's like, four in the morning and I'm exhausted.  So if Feelings Time is over, I need to get back to bed."

"I'll see you when you feel better - give me a call if you want to talk before then. I'll take care of your plants while you're away. And maybe use that cute coffee table you have for some of my hand photos, who knows."

There was a bit of cheek to that, and before she could tease me, I signed off.

"Goodnight, Ky."

And hung up.

"Awful late for a phone call," Marnie said from the doorway, her arms crossed over her chest.

"It was Eliot."

"Finally calling you out, hm?"

"Something like that..."

"Well," she said, stepping into the room. "It's too late for little girls to be awake.  So how about we get you tucked in."

I sunk into the bed and I let Marnie cover me up all over again, though I'd kick them off in a few minutes all the same.  Then she kissed me on the forehead and smiled warmly in the glow of the nightlight.

"Goodnight, little one," she whispered.

"'Night, Mommy," I muttered, just before drifting off to sleep.

----------------------

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[YourFNF]

18 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

didn't like. I couldn't even think about food right now. But I did it anyway, because somehow Marnie had a magic impact on my best friend and I wanted to do my part. I didn't think she was right about the muffins, though; I'd never seen Marnie eat an English Muffin with Orange Jelly before, but Marnie sounded quite certain about it. I sat in Kylie's bedroom and ordered the food using Marnie's card. Faintly I could hear her talking in the living room.

This poor kid has an eating disorder if I'm guessing correctly. Fuck doesn't the world also have public insurance at least?

18 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

Wherever you want, Ky."

The less input I had on the food, the less likely it was I'd be offending her when I inevitably didn't eat.

Why did things feel so awkward though...

God so many feelings. Is it wrong that I'm kind of jealous of these three? Like at they have space to process without worrying about the basics.