How to explain to your wife

[wittlemikey]

Hello all,

I do not post much but I need help. My wife and I argued last night because she just simply does not understand why I enjoy being ABDL.

I am horrible at explaining why i am the way I am. I've been doing this for a couple decades now and still cant't explain in ways for other to understand.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated,  I do not expect anyone here to take my side or hers but be honest in a reply should you choose to reply.

Her comments and concerns are listed below. I do not resent her for her comments but wish I could explain in ways she could understand.

 

I really have been afraid to say this because I'm afraid of what will happen but if we have a baby I don't want you to dress up anymore. I don't want them to see you that way. I don't want to live in secret about it. Or be made fun of or judged by it anymore. I have been okay with it to a point but you have always pushed for more and I always try to adjust. Years ago it was always a no for me. Then it was wear a diaper under shorts and sweats as long as I don't see it. Then it changed to certain outfits. You see it's been me who has been changing. Then I become okay with it to a point as its the new norm and then you indulge past my comfort zone or purchase things behind my back with Jane Doe or John Doe. You share intimate details that should stay between us with others. It almost feels like your cheating to me. Then you purge which I'm sure your doing right now. It's overwhelming and fucks with my head. It instantly makes me feel bad for sharing how I feel. Its not healthy. None of this.

You refuse to get help or go to therapy to work through why you wear the diapers and dress up like a baby.

You refuse to just meet me halfway. You do good for a little while then you mess up.

Rather if its pooping in it or being in pee for way to long. Buying and doing things without me knowing or that I'm uncomfortable with and I catch you.

 

 

[Forced2wet]

Wow, really sorry to see such things said by someone who’s supposed to love you.

I honestly don’t think anything you say to her will change her mind.

[Little Lindsey]

As a woman, I see where she's coming from on some points, such as discussing intimate details with others or continuing to dress like a baby after having kids. I would not want to deal with a child(ren) in diapers 24/7 for 2 years minimum while simultaneously putting up with a spouse in diapers. If you are content to wear under cover, change and dispose of your own diapers (before they reek, since that bothers her) fine, but expecting her to be involved in your wearing (if that is what you expect...your post is rather vague with regards to exactly what it is you do and what you want from her) is asking too much. I'd say it's best that she's putting this out there now and not after you have kids. And if she was initially totally against it and you gradually pushed her to accept more against her will (her only going along because she was afraid you would leave) I think she's earned the right to put her foot down. Obviously I can't really pass judgement without knowing all the details but I do think her concerns are valid. 

[oznl]

Serious stuff indeed.

1 hour ago, Little Lindsey said:

 If you are content to wear under cover, change and dispose of your own diapers (before they reek, since that bothers her) fine, but expecting her to be involved in your wearing (if that is what you expect...your post is rather vague with regards to exactly what it is you do and what you want from her) is asking too much.

I think this is a good point to set the frame for the discussion.  Exactly what are you asking from her?

[Little Lindsey]

9 hours ago, wittlemikey said:

 

then you indulge past my comfort zone or purchase things behind my back with Jane Doe or John Doe.

Buying and doing things without me knowing or that I'm uncomfortable with and I catch you.

 

 

I failed to address this point in my first reply but you mentioned it twice so it could be important. How much are you spending on diapers and other ABDL supplies? Is it having a negative impact on your household budget? And going back to possibly having kids...they're expensive! Is she worried your ABDL spending habits will be detrimental in that aspect? Honestly there's so much to unpack in this situation and it seems that while you want her to understand why you feel the need to wear diapers you're not taking the time to understand her feelings and reasons for not supporting you. 

[Luvs24]

When you got married did your wife except this side of you? I see you had pictures of a nursery you had. But now why all of a sudden is she not excepting this side of you. 

[~Brian~]

On 8/28/2020 at 2:05 PM, wittlemikey said:

Hello all,

I do not post much but I need help. My wife and I argued last night because she just simply does not understand why I enjoy being ABDL.

I am horrible at explaining why i am the way I am. I've been doing this for a couple decades now and still cant't explain in ways for other to understand.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated,  I do not expect anyone here to take my side or hers but be honest in a reply should you choose to reply.

Her comments and concerns are listed below. I do not resent her for her comments but wish I could explain in ways she could understand.

 

I really have been afraid to say this because I'm afraid of what will happen but if we have a baby I don't want you to dress up anymore. I don't want them to see you that way. I don't want to live in secret about it. Or be made fun of or judged by it anymore. I have been okay with it to a point but you have always pushed for more and I always try to adjust. Years ago it was always a no for me. Then it was wear a diaper under shorts and sweats as long as I don't see it. Then it changed to certain outfits. You see it's been me who has been changing. Then I become okay with it to a point as its the new norm and then you indulge past my comfort zone or purchase things behind my back with Jane Doe or John Doe. You share intimate details that should stay between us with others. It almost feels like your cheating to me. Then you purge which I'm sure your doing right now. It's overwhelming and fucks with my head. It instantly makes me feel bad for sharing how I feel. Its not healthy. None of this.

You refuse to get help or go to therapy to work through why you wear the diapers and dress up like a baby.

You refuse to just meet me halfway. You do good for a little while then you mess up.

Rather if its pooping in it or being in pee for way to long. Buying and doing things without me knowing or that I'm uncomfortable with and I catch you.

 

 

@wittlemikey

Sounds like you are having a hard time here, and I am sorry to hear about that.  I don't know if your wife was accepting of your ab side/wearing diapers at one time, and now when she is possibly thinking about having a baby, she is no longer accepting of it, or if the problem is that you were "caught" by her - doing things that she thinks is "out of bounds."  One way or another, there is a problem here - It seems like she is no longer comfortable with whatever boundaries are currently set.  If she is, then you will have to have further discussions with her to see if there is an "acceptable solution" to this problem.  If there are intimacy or trust issues, and she thinks you are doing things with others, or doing things that you told her you would not do, then there is another problem:

On 8/28/2020 at 2:05 PM, wittlemikey said:

Then I become okay with it to a point as its the new norm and then you indulge past my comfort zone or purchase things behind my back with Jane Doe or John Doe. You share intimate details that should stay between us with others. It almost feels like your cheating to me. Then you purge which I'm sure your doing right now. It's overwhelming and fucks with my head. It instantly makes me feel bad for sharing how I feel. Its not healthy. None of this.

I think the paragraph above is at the crux of it:  She accepted it to a point, and then says you:  "indulge past my comfort zone, or purchase things behind my back with Jane or John Doe.  You share intimate details that should stay between us with others.  It almost feels like you are cheating to me....It fucks with my head........its not healthy.....none of this":  If you are indeed sharing intimate details with others that should remain between the two of you, then I can understand why she may feel like this.  It is messing with her head, and she may be confused, and makes her feel bad, for sharing how she feels.  I get that, I really do - It sounds like she wants you to STOP - all the way, and while I understand what she is trying to convey, she may NOT understand, that once you are an AB/DL, then you are  ALWAYS gonna go through cycles where the feelings are still there, and regardless of what you do, the feelings are STILL gonna be there, they are just repressed or locked away in your head, and can surface at any time, and if they do, then you may have to ACT on these to deal with them,  They WILL be there, always!

 

Now:  Lets see if I can break down these arguments:  Perhaps @rosalie.bent has something to add here?:

On 8/28/2020 at 2:05 PM, wittlemikey said:

You refuse to get help or go to therapy to work through why you wear the diapers and dress up like a baby.

You refuse to just meet me halfway. You do good for a little while then you mess up.

Rather if its pooping in it or being in pee for way to long. Buying and doing things without me knowing or that I'm uncomfortable with and I catch you

ARGUMENT #1:  She wants you to "get help or go to therapy":  Even if you do this, does she understand that its not like you can just "flip this on and off" like a lightswitch?  Even if you go to therapy and work through the reasons you wear diapers/dress like a baby, you will STILL have those feelings: You will still have URGES, and those are there - PERIOD - perhaps she, if she wants you to, should attend sessions, if she insists that you do it - maybe then she would be able to understand what you are dealing with  and what caused or causes you to have these feelings - It is a 2 way street -  she needs to understand that you may NOT be able to tell her something like this, because it may be as uncomfortable for YOU to tell her why, as much as it is uncomfortable for HER to deal with her feelings:  A marriage is a PARTNERSHIP, and it take TWO:  She can't expect YOU to change and drop this fetish any more than I can NOT help that I am incontinent, or have a disability - There are simply things that she would have to deal with.  If YOU were incontinent, rather than being AB/DL, then this dynamic might change, but she is confused and thinks that this is "not healthy."  She doesn't understand WHY we are "wired" the way we are, and she may not ever  understand.

ARGUMENT #2:  Meeting you "Half Way"  OK  I would like to state that although I understand your wife's concerns, being able to meet her "half way" means that there has to be an understanding of WHAT she is WILLING to accept, and what she is NOT:  She may have stated this earlier in your relationship, and now is trying to deal with these issues, and  is dealing with what she feels is cheating or hiding things from her.  I would NOT try to cheat or hide from her, or you may have further issues, because TRUST and UNDERSTANDING are 2 pieces of  the puzzle (The other being LOVE) that make marriages work - If there is to BE a "half way", there has to be a clear set of boundaries and expectations, that she can live with, and accept, and you are willing to so the same:  Once these are set, BOTH of you need to follow those, and try NOT to exceed those boundaries, because they are there for a REASON, and there is an expectation that you --AND-- her will abide by them.  You will have to have a FRANK and HONEST and HEARTFELT conversation to do this:  Let her know how you feel, and make rules/expectations that YOU CAN meet, and NOT ones you cannot.  There is NOTHING wrong with wearing diapers/dressing as a baby, but you may have to agree that there are limits:  Set them, and FOLLOW them, and if she is then more comfortable, because she has an understanding, it should be easier to deal with.

ARGUMENT #3:  Buying and doing things without her knowing, or that she is uncomfortable with/Being in them (Diapers) for too long: I can fully understand why you wife may have a problem with you purchasing things/doing things without her knowing, as she is a part of the "team" and would have to know what money/resources are available to her and you at any one time.  I can also understand that she would be uncomfortable "catching you," or if you are in a dirty/wet diaper that is stinking or smelling up the room, or indulging in AB/DL activities.  The main  thing that I can say here is:  You have to be willing to work with her as well, so she doesn't have to worry that she's gonna "catch you" doing any of this:  There are certain things that I do in my house that people are aware of, and some things that they are not.  Sure, I wear diapers, and I have some "objects" I can have fun with, but I don't use them in the open:  I do use them at home, and people who visit with me KNOW I wear and use diapers, but they understand that what I do is NOT to be spoken of outside the house, unless I bring it up FIRST!   You and your wife need to have this discussion, or she will continue to have the feelings that she does, and will continue to think that this is "unhealthy" - It should be noted however, that she may NOT want to indulge or partake in any of it, but if NOT, she should at LEAST have an agreement that you can do this activity as long as certain criteria are met.

Now, as @Little Lindsey points out:

21 hours ago, Little Lindsey said:

As a woman, I see where she's coming from on some points, such as discussing intimate details with others or continuing to dress like a baby after having kids. I would not want to deal with a child(ren) in diapers 24/7 for 2 years minimum while simultaneously putting up with a spouse in diapers. If you are content to wear under cover, change and dispose of your own diapers (before they reek, since that bothers her) fine, but expecting her to be involved in your wearing (if that is what you expect...your post is rather vague with regards to exactly what it is you do and what you want from her) is asking too much. I'd say it's best that she's putting this out there now and not after you have kids. And if she was initially totally against it and you gradually pushed her to accept more against her will (her only going along because she was afraid you would leave) I think she's earned the right to put her foot down. Obviously I can't really pass judgement without knowing all the details but I do think her concerns are valid. 

She basically is saying the same thing I am:  She, being a woman, is RIGHT ON TARGET with her comments:  If you are a wife, and you are going to or thinking about having a child(ren), then I do understand and agree that most ladies would probably NOT want to have to deal with their kids --AND-- their spouse in diapers.  I would also agree that if you want to wear diapers and use them, that it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to change/dispose of them, and deal with the cleanup.  I also agree that if your wife does NOT want to be involved in whatever activities she is willing to allow and put up with, that she doesn't have to.  Discussing this now, prior to or during a discussion about having children should help you BOTH to come to an understanding - I am NOT passing judgement on you, or what you do, as this is none of my business, but the best way to deal with situations like this is to talk it out, get it out there, and set your limits/boundaries NOW:  It sounds like the limits and rules and understanding you have with your wife changed, so I would be sure to discuss this NOW, rather than later

 

18 hours ago, Little Lindsey said:

I failed to address this point in my first reply but you mentioned it twice so it could be important. How much are you spending on diapers and other ABDL supplies? Is it having a negative impact on your household budget? And going back to possibly having kids...they're expensive! Is she worried your ABDL spending habits will be detrimental in that aspect? Honestly there's so much to unpack in this situation and it seems that while you want her to understand why you feel the need to wear diapers you're not taking the time to understand her feelings and reasons for not supporting you. 

Agreed:  @Little Lindsey Hit a Home Run here:  You also have to make changes to your spending habits and your use of Diapers and other equipment if you are going to have another child at some point - You have to be able to understand HER feelings, as much as she has to be able to understand YOURS:  She may not understand WHY you do what you do, but if she and you discuss it, there is always a chance that once its out there, you can deal with it, and maybe she will accept it more - You never know!

One thing that is IMPORTANT:  DON'T LIE to your WIFE:  that can cause MAJOR problems!

Good Luck!

Brian

 

 

 

Edited August 29, 2020 by ~Brian~
added additional information/Bolding and other edits

[Crinkle butt]

I am having the same problem. I'm a DL and she is just now starting to get it. I try to find ways that relate to her and how she views stuff that she's into. It's been a slow process

[feralfreak]

there is a lot here that needs worked on, if you BOTH are willing i think a lot can get done. she wants you to go to therapy, you both, BOTH need it, marriage counselling, she needs to understand your side when it comes to abdl matters, that said, YOU need to understand her, and a therapist can help with that, you sound like you spend a lot on abdl things, not good in this economy, its not just your money you are spending because when you marry, your money and her money is BOTH yours, the money is the same. sneaking supplies with john or jane doe? c'mon man, be straightforward! she needs to see you as an adult when it comes to starting a family, she will have her hands full dealing with a real baby, she dont want to deal with an adult baby at the same time, im not saying you cant enjoy some abdl things but take responsibility for it yourself and show her you will, dont push her to do what she cant accept. these may be a lot for you to change, in return she should be willing to allow a bit too but it sounds like she has been and not getting anything for it.

[herb330]

My wife is the only person that takes car of me.  She diapers me and takes care of me.  After conversations and time it makes it easier to bring her into teh role.

[Whatsthatsmell]

I told mine years before she was my wife. 

[Little Sherri]

I somehow missed these posts before now, but the whole thing makes me feel awful for the original poster, and for his wife - it sounds like they are both hurtling toward unhappiness and angst. Maybe they should both talk to someone, although with that 'advice' (which is a bit late to the party, since this dates back to 2020), comes a fear that the counselor might see the "weird baby guy" as the "problem", and not view it as a couple who needs to both compromise in order to be happy. It is very hard for people who aren't driven by this strange obsession to understand where it comes from or how deep-seated it is. Most of us can't just turn it off and walk away from it - we will end up depressed, or will self-medicate, or will generally suffer under the weight of our secret urges. 

But at the same time, it's a lot to ask of a partner - it's maybe not quite as extreme as a desire to live as another gender, but some people would view it as being on that spectrum. So we have to be sympathetic to the partner now faced with an adult dressed as a baby who wants to share their bed and their household finances. 

For me, I guess I got lucky, first of all because when I had young kids, my ABDL side was heavily suppressed, having not yet emerged from a scorched-earth attack from my stepfather two decades prior, who humiliated me in front of my family over my diaper stash when I was a 'tween. So, my wife didn't have to worry about having a husband in diapers, as well as kids - that side of me reemerged after the kids were older. Secondly, much to my surprise, when I "came out" to my wife about wearing diapers, and started wearing them "openly" (only to her), she was remarkably understanding of it, considering that when we were dating, and for about 15 years of marriage, it never came up - she never found any and I never talked about it. In return, I don't push the boundaries with her - I know it would be embarrassing for her if her friends found out her husband wears diapers, so I am very discrete, and both of us agree that it would not be of any good to the children for them to know. But she puts up with me wearing diapers 24/7, and having a diaper bin in my closet, and sleeping in just a diaper most of the time, with a pacifier. (As a side note, she's actually taken to appreciating the pacifiers, because I used to click my teeth while I was asleep, even with a mouth guard, and it drove her nuts, and a pacifier completely eliminates it. If I said I was done with diapers, she might do handsprings, but I think she'd insist that the pacifiers stay.)

However, I haven't asked her to change them, and I don't dress in baby clothes - the onesies I have are very practical, t-shirt style ones, and the onesie pajamas I own are a sober grey - they were bought by her, again, much to my surprise. If I start smelling my diaper, I go change it - I don't subject her to the smell of an untended toddler. I generally smell like baby powder more than anything else, and she likes that - she has bought me some in the past. 

I'm also lucky that putting myself back in diapers full-time hasn't put a lot of financial stress on us so far. I have some cloth diapers I could move over to if cost ever does become more of an issue, but I much prefer disposables for day-to-day use.