Yours Truly, Johnny Diaper.

[willnotwill]

The phone rings.    A man with with a snappy voice picks it up and speaks, "Johny Diaper."

"Johnny, this is Ray Hutchens, Security Liability and Trust.   Can you be in my office tomorrow morning at nine?"

"Sure, what's up?"

"We have a claim that we need to investigate, and they tell me you're the man for the job."

"OK, see you then."

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Daily Diapers Network brings you the man with the action packed expense report,  Americas favorite diapered insurance investigator:"

"Yours Truly, Johny Diaper."

Expense report, submitted by special investigator, Johnny Diaper.   The following is an account my expenses incurred during my investigation of the Soggy Bottom Matter.    Item one, seven-fifty.   Uber fare over to Ray Hutchens office.

Security's offices are shiny and new, but the company has been around over a century.    I wink at the secretary and enter Ray Hutchens office.   In start contrast to the rest of the building, Hutchens's office looks old, smells old, even sounds old.    The floor is covered with an ancient Persian rug.   On top of that sits a comparatively newer, but still ancient desk.     Behind the desk, Ray Hutchens, a comparatively newer, but still ancient man.   He got right to the point.

"Glad you are available, Johnny.    This one is going to be a sticky one."

"Lay it out for me,."

We represent the Metropolitan Transit Line.    One of their buses got into an accident down by the harbor.    We've paid out most of the complaints, usual stuff, a few scrapes and bruises, some alleged whiplash, still easier to just settle than fight them."

"So what's the problem?"

"Metropolitan was served with a lawsuit yesterday.    Ten million dollars."

"What's the claim?"

"That a Ms. Kristin Johnson suffered permanent injury in the accident."

"And you don't believe it?"

"No, Johnny.   My gut tells me this one is fake.    We, of course, will pay off it is real.   But we don't want to give away millions on a false claim."

"I see, so you want me to find out if she's trying to pull something.    Just what injury does she claim merits ten million dollars of compensation?"

"She claims the accident has left her incontinent."

"Ah, right up my alley."

"Yes, we figured if anybody could spot a phony in this aspect it would be Johnny Diaper."

Expense report, item 2,   Two dollars and seventy five cents.   Copy charges to get a copy of the accident report from the city police.   The report showed the accident to be a low speed affair.    A sudden stoppage that threw the passengers on the bus forward.    City buses are not equipped with seat belts.   Sixteen passengers were treated at the scene and released.    One, Ms. Johnson, was transported to General Hospital for further observation.    Well there you had it.   My copy of Security's records showed sixteen modest payouts for injuries.    Nobody hit the personal injury jackpot there.

I noted the driver's name, one Carlos Mendez.   I took out my cell phone and called the contact I was given at the transit department.   I was told Mr. Mendez was back driving the number eight bus and would be passing my location in ten minutes.     I went out and stood by the street.

Expense Report, Item 3.   One Dollar.  Bus fare on the number eight MTL bus.  I got on board and sat in the front right seat affording me a few of a young latino driver.  "Carlos Mendez?" I asked.

"Who wants to know?" came a fairly accented reply.

"I'm Johnny Diaper.   I'm investigating your accident for the insurance company."

"Oh, man.   I went all through this with the insurance guys and the police the day it happened."

"Can you please run through it again?"

"Nothing much to say.   I'm in the middle of the number eight route.   I'm coming down the middle of the block between Fourth and Fifth Streets and this guy in a Porsche shoots out of the alley right in front of me.   I stand on the brakes to avoid hitting him.   He drives off.   Doesn't even look back."

"Did you get a license number?"

"No man.   The passengers are all screaming and groaning.   Then there's people trying to pry the doors open to get on the bus."

"Pry the doors open?"

"You ever seen a bus accident?  You get a dozen clowns who see it and try to hop on your bus to say they were on it when it happened and got whiplash or worse."

"So did the get on?"

"No way.     I got on the radio and the police and ambulances were here in a minute.    There's not really anybody hurt, except this woman is saying her back hurts.    The paramedics strap her to a board and take her away."

"That was Kristin Johnson?"

"I think that's her name."

"And that's all you remember?"

"That's it.   Frankly, I wish I'd hit that bastard in the Porsche.    Then they'd be trying to sue his ass, not mine.    But since i can't show that there was another car at fault, everybody wants to sue the bus company.."

I mull this over as the bus makes several stops.   Soon we're back within a few blocks of my office so I get off.    The insurance company was busy trying to discover the medical reports for the woman, but I decide it might be time to do a little research on her myself.

Now, ladies and gentlemen.    Here's are star to tell you about the next intriguing episode of our story.

Well, sometimes when you read about someone, you imagine of what they should look like.   My imaginary image of Ms. Johnson was all wrong.    The reality of Ms. Johnson was one of a stunningly beautiful woman.   Join us next time, won't you?

Join us again next time for the next episode of Yours Truly, Johny Diaper.

 

 

 

 

[maly]

Interesting start, looking forward to more.

Maly.

[warpiper]

Nice start! I'm already enjoying this!

[dmavn]

Lol. Classic radio Xm 148 Johnny holiday. Haven’t heard THIS one on the radio yet.. Loving it.

[willnotwill]

It's a spin on the Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar radio show.   

[dmavn]

Dollar.. that’s it. I love that show but i’m terrible with names. 

[willnotwill]

The hunt was on.   I had a plan of how to get started.  And I was getting paid five hundred a day plus expenses to boot.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Daily Diapers Network brings you another episode of the man with the action packed expense report,  Americas favorite diapered insurance investigator:"

Your's Truly, Johnny Diaper.

Expense report.   Item four.    Nineteen dollars and ninety five cents.   Background Report for Kristin Johnson.

I walked the two blocks from where I off the bus back to my office.    I woke up my computer from its self-induced slumber and checked my mail.    Hutchens had sent me the copy of the complaint from Ms. Johnson.   It didn't tell me much.   Mostly it was boiler plate stuff.    Ms. Johnson was an unmarried woman, a resident of Center County.   The Bus line was operating in Center County.   This gave jurisdiction to the courts here.     The complaint had scant additional details than Hutchens and briefed me.   She claimed that she had life-altering injuries in the form of incontinence as a result of the accident.

I brought up the web browser and connected to one of my investigation sites.    I typed in Ms. Johnson's particulars and got a hit.   The site warned me to go further would run twenty bucks, but that would be on security's nickel, so to speak.   A minute later I had what could be found by scraping all the public databases, and some of the private ones.   Ms. Johnson was nearly twenty two years old.   Her birthday was coming up next week.    I had an address, a cell phone number, and an email.    Her credit was average and there was no signs of previous lawsuits, bankruptcies, or anything like that.    She owned no real estate.   I clicked through the address link and found it was a small townhouse in the center part of the city.    She had a driver's license but no car registered to her.    Not uncommon for city folk.    Public transit and Uber worked well and I suspected that the townhouse, almost assuredly a rental, didn't come with off-street parking.

I went back to the lawsuit filing.   The plaintiff's attorney was one Lewis Ramsey of the firm of Ramsey and Tapper.   I goggled them.    Typical personal injury lowlifes.    "We're here for you" and "We don't win, you don't pay."   Of course, that comes at a high price on a ten million dollar lawsuit.   They'd keep four million for themselves.   Trying to get information out of a lawyer is even harder than pulling teeth.   All you need to pull teeth is a good grip on the pliers and to pull.

Expense report.   Item five.    Ten Dollars.    A four pack of Red Bull and two Northshore Megamax diapers.

I decided to go put my eyes on Ms. Johnson.    I didn't really know why, but I was at an impasse in my investigation.   I needed to know the medical aspects of the case, and that would come with Security's lawyers started requesting discovery on Ramsey and Tapper.    I just wanted to size the woman up.   I tried to avoid it, but an image of Kristin popped into my mind.   Short, dumpy, homely.    Not overly successful in life and now dollar signs filled her eyes.   She'd even happily wear diapers until after the trial was over to sell the story.

I popped into the bathroom next to my office and dropped my pants.    I stripped out of the diaper I was wearing.   It was wet anyhow, and I always wore a heavier one for longer surveillance.   I could wear them all the time, but they were pricey.   Again, it was on Security's nickel and so were the caffeine and sugar drinks to keep me sharp in what me alert during a long wait.    I drove over to Ms. Johnson's neighborhood and located the townhouse.   I surveyed the neighborhood and found a parking space diagonally across the street.   I parked and opened a Red Bull.    I reached over and pulled a pair of binoculars out of the glove box.    I quickly set the focus on the townhouse front door and then set them in my lap.   I took a long pull on the drink and sat in to wait.

A couple of Red Bulls later and I felt myself wetting the diaper.    Fluid in, fluid out.   That's the way these things went.    Suddenly I caught a glint.    The front door of the townhouse was opening.    I has assumed she'd be at work, where ever that was, and would arrive home on foot.   But someone was coming out.    I put the binoculars to my eyes and caught my first look at the object of my investigation.

My jaw dropped.    The woman indeed matched the age as shown in the background report, but the rest of my imagined persona was all wrong.    This woman was tall and slender.   I'd have to guess she was close to six feet.   I moved my view down.   She was wearing fairly flat sandals.   The height was not augmented by heals.    I swung back up a mass of blonde hair surrounded an amazingly pleasant face.    Between the sandals and hair was a mid-length sun dress in a bold red and yellow motif.    I changed by gaze to her midsection.   Decades of wearing diapers myself gave me a keen sense of these things.   I watched her as she made her way down the steps and turned to her left.   After a few more steps, I was convinced.   She indeed had a diaper on now.

What to do?   I didn't want to tip my hand at this point.   Or did I.   But I did want to get closer to this beauty.     I threw the binoculars on the passenger seat and got out of the car and started a loose tail on her.    I didn't really know what I was going to do after that.

And now a word from our sponsor.    Ladies and Gentlemen, do you wear diapers?    If you do, you know the importance of keeping your skin protected.    That's why Johnny Diaper and thousands of other diaper wearers always use Dr. Sanford's Caboose Creme.    Caboose Creme protects your skin from irritation from both urine and feces while providing necessary moisturizing and nourishment toy your skin.    Available wherever incontinence products are sold.    And now, here's the star of our story with a preview of our next episode:

I stood there regarding Ms. Johnson and felt a strange pang.    A pang that might lead me to a conflict of interest with my client.    But a pang I might not be able to resist.   Join us next time, won't you?

 

[CynthiaCM]

This is so cool. I'm a big Johnny Dollar fan, especially the 15-minute episodes with Bob Bailey. Old Time Radio is my jam. In fact, I designed and published a tabletop roleplaying game that emulates that medium. It's called "On the Air", if anyone cares to check it out.

[Fulldiaper]

I like it so far, please do continue.

[kerry]

6 hours ago, willnotwill said:

Your's Truly, Johnny Diaper.

Fun piece so far, but could you please get rid of the unnecessary apostrophe? I checked back and it was also in Chapter One.

[willnotwill]

I walked half a block behind her, mesmerized by the sweep of her blond hair, the swing of diapered hips underneath that flowing dress.   I had to follow. I had to find out what she was about.

Dr. Sanford's Caboose Creme brings you another episode of the man with the action packed expense account, America's favorite diapered insurance investigator.

Yours Truly, Johny Diaper. 

I followed her down two blocks where she turned in the Fresco Grill.    The place was a small neighborhood joint on the corner.   One side featured outside tables for when the weather was nice, and today the weather was nice.   Close to the side of the building was an outside bar.    Ms. Johnson took a stool at the end of the bar and nodded to the bartender without saying anything.    She must be a regular and the bartender was starting her order.

I tried to discretely enter and took a seat at the far end of the bar.    I could look down the bar like I was trying to get the attention of the bartender, but I was actually checking out Ms. Johnson.    My initial appraisal was right.  Young, tall, and beautiful.   Could she possibly be involved in scamming my client out of ten million dollars?

Expense report, Item six.Twenty Dollars.   One Woodford Reserve with minimal ice, and a hefty tip for the bartender.   Call it research.

I looked at the bartender's nametag.    "Joe, do you know that girl at the end of the bar?" I said as I pushed the bills back toward him that were the change from a six dollar drink from the twenty I'd given him.   

He scooped them up.   "Kirstin?"   She's a regular.   Lives down the block.    Comes in here a couple of times a week.   More often when the weather is nice."

"Does she have a boyfriend?"

The bartender gave me a long look.   He was sizing me up.   He looked down at her and then answered.   "She's had guys in here once or twice.   Don't think they ever amounted to anything."'

I followed his gaze down to her.   She was finishing the drink she has.

I pushed another twenty his way.   "Send her another of what she's having on me.    I'll have another Woodford.   Same way you made it last time."

Joe set up another bourbon in front of me.  I saw him set a drink in front of Ms. Johnson.    He motioned with his head over in my direction to indicate the source.    I decided to make my move.   I picked up my drink and moved down to the stool next to her.    "Hi.   My name's Johnny."

"Kristin.   Johnny what?" she asked.

I signed, "Johnny Diaper."

She broke into a hearty laugh.    "You don't say.    Is that really your name?"

"It is."

"Do you wear one like me?   Or is it just your name."

"I do wear them.    I know you do as well.    I was following you because I noticed you were had one on."

She looked concerned and looked down at her dress, smoothing it with her hands around her waist.

"Don't worry, nobody else would have noticed.   When you've worn diapers as long as I have.   You develop a sense about these things."

"How long have you worn?"

"All my life."

"So you were never toilet trained?"

"Not for want of trying.   My mom spent months trying to get me trained, but it didn't work.    Eventually, she took me to a doctor and they figured out that my sphincter just wasn't up to it."

"That must have been hard for you."

"It was once I started school and realized that I was different.   Kids would find out and you know how they are.   Girls would laugh.  Guys would taunt.    I'd just get embarrassed with the girls.  The boys sometimes came to blows."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't worry.   It made me the man I am today, I guess.    Have you always worn?"    I knew the answer, I thought.   But I wanted to hear it from her."

"No, I'm a comparative newcomer to them.     I was in an accident a while back."

"Automobile?" I prompted.

"Yes.   Three years ago.   I was riding with my uncle.   It wasn't his fault.  The road was icy and we hit a tree.    He always blamed himself.    He's bent over backward trying to make it up to me, despite me telling him I don't expect anything from him."

I tried to hide my surprise.    If she was telling me the truth, and I sensed she was, this blew the doors off the lawsuit.   I hope I hadn't give anything away on my face.   She continued.

"He's been nice.   He owns the house I'm staying in.   He was renting it out, but when I got back from college, he insisted I stay there."

"He sounds like a nice guy."

We made idle chit chat.   She did admit that she hadn't had any relationships since the accident.    Most men didn't want to have much to do with her once they knew she was diapered.   She had some run-ins with creeps on the internet, but stayed away from that now.    "Telling you I had a diaper on was a test for you.    I don't want to waste my time if it's a deal-breaker."

It was not a deal-breaker.    I avoided pushing further.   I suggested that we meet again.   I couldn't give her a card without tipping my hand so I wrote my number on a napkin.   She did likewise.    She excused herself, saying she had shopping to do.    I bid her goodnight.

The proper term for it is Contact Dermatitis, but the common name is diaper rash.   And it doesn't matter if you are a baby or an incontinent adult, if you wear diapers you risk getting it.    Prevent this with Doctor Sanford's Caboose Creme.   Caboose Creme provides a barrier against the irritation while keeping your skin soft and healthy.   Available wear incontinence supplies are sold.    Now our star gives us a heads up on the next episode.

Now I had a conundrum.   From what she said the lawsuit was a sham.   I had to find out what was going on.   And I had to find out more about Kristin.   Join me next time.

 

[CynthiaCM]

3 hours ago, kerry said:

Fun piece so far, but could you please get rid of the unnecessary apostrophe? I checked back and it was also in Chapter One.

The apostrophe was in the radio show's title, so removing it wouldn't be correct.

[willnotwill]

I fixed it.    it was inadvertant and only in one of a dozen locations in the story.

[kerry]

5 hours ago, CynthiaCM said:

The apostrophe was in the radio show's title, so removing it wouldn't be correct.

On the contrary, repeating such an error, I think, isn't "correct." The show to which you refer needs a proofreader. If you do decide to repeat a mistake because it was in the original, it is customary to follow it with (sic). This isn't really a quotation, though, but an homage, and fixing the error makes sense.

[BabyLock]

You have a unique way of expressing writing - - - TO BE CONTINUED - - -

Join us again next time for the next episode of Yours Truly, Johny Diaper.  

Join us next time, won't you?

Join me next time.

 

Consider me enjoined until THE very END !

 

[willnotwill]

Thank you, but I can't take credit for that.   It's the way the radio show that the story is based on frequently ends.

[Fulldiaper]

Now the question is, will he rat her out to his employer? I can't wait to read more. Thank you for writing this.

[CynthiaCM]

9 hours ago, kerry said:

On the contrary, repeating such an error, I think, isn't "correct." The show to which you refer needs a proofreader. If you do decide to repeat a mistake because it was in the original, it is customary to follow it with (sic). This isn't really a quotation, though, but an homage, and fixing the error makes sense.

We'll have to agree to disagree. It would be like doing a play on the show "Diff'rent Strokes", but 'correcting' the spelling so that it's called "Different Strokes". Ditto with Mortal Kombat,  Boyz n the Hood  or 2 Fast 2 Furious. The title of a work is set in stone and shouldn't be corrected IMO.

[willnotwill]

To my knowledge, the official instances of YTJD do not have an apostrophe.   I knew better, and generally have Grammarly guarding my back but I typed the first episode directly into the forums rather than using Word and then cut/pasting it as I usually do.    There's something odd about the forum text editor that inhibits the Grammarly plugin from recognizing the text entry.    I have to tweak the controls to wake it up.

The one place I had written, "Your's" was just an instance of my brain running faster than my fingers.   

 

[kerry]

1 hour ago, CynthiaCM said:

We'll have to agree to disagree. It would be like doing a play on the show "Diff'rent Strokes", but 'correcting' the spelling so that it's called "Different Strokes". Ditto with Mortal Kombat,  Boyz n the Hood  or 2 Fast 2 Furious. The title of a work is set in stone and shouldn't be corrected IMO.

I agree with you in principle, and specifically in the case of the shows you mention because the "mistakes" are clearly intended as cultural statements. Here (even if it did exist in the original, which willnotwill says may not be the case) the use of "your's" makes no statement and appears to be little more than grammatical ignorance (or, as willnotwill said, "an instance of my brain running faster then my fingers."

Will, I'm done with this. I apologize for hijacking your thread.

[willnotwill]

The phone rings.   "Johnny, this is Ray Hutchens.   I hear you found something."

Dr. Sanford's Caboose Creme brings you another episode of the man with the action-packed expense account, America's favorite diapered insurance investigator.

Yours Truly, Johny Diaper. 

"Yes, Ray.    I had a drink with Ms. Kristen Johnson last night, our plaintiff.   She says she's worn diapers since she was eighteen.   A result of an accident in her Uncle's car."

"Hmm," Ray said into the phone.   "You think that's the true story?    Wasn't asking her that kind of risky?"

"She doesn't know I'm an investigator.    She volunteered that information when I told her my last name was Diaper.    I had just bought her a drink at the neighborhood bar."

"You don't think she said that just to get rid of you?"

"It's possible, but she seemed sincere.   We traded phone numbers.    I haven't checked to see if she gave me a phony.   That's happened before."

"Well keep on it, Johnny.   This is very interesting."

Very interesting indeed.   I hung up the phone.     I shook the computer mouse to get the system back to life and pulled up my prior dump on Kristin.    The cell number was included.   I dug the napkin out of my wallet where I had stuffed it the night before.   It matched.   At least she hadn't tried to ditch me that way.    And I suspected confessing to wearing diapers wasn't intended to scare off another diaper wearer.

I was about to do some searching on the computer.    Maybe there was a newspaper article on the car crash.   I knew Kristin didn't show up in any articles from my search the other day.   But papers are a little reticent to list minor's names in articles.   I needed to search with the uncle's name.    I was trying to come up with a strategy to find that.   I was musing to myself when the phone rang.

"Johnny Diaper," I said into the mouthpiece.

"Well, hello, Mr. Diaper.   Kristin Johnson.   Remember me."

"How could I forget?"

"I hope I didn't scare you off last night."

"Not in the least, but I thought maybe you were just looking for an excuse to get away from me."

"Oh, no.   I seriously had to do things.     I was wondering if you wanted to get together."

"Sure, dinner tonight?   Maybe Mama Rosas?"   I didn't want to go too over the top, even if I was charging the dinner to the expense account.    "Sevenish?"

"Sure.   Can you pick me up at my townhouse?   It's just down the block from where we were yesterday.   I don't have a car and I don't like riding the bus that late at night."

She gave me the address, not that I needed it and I told her I'd see her then.

It then occurred to me.    She said it was her uncle's townhouse.   I keyed the address into the county real estate site.    The owner came up immediately.   Well, well.   The owner of that townhouse was one Lewis Ramsey, Esquire.  No doubt of Ramsey and Tapper, Attorneys at Law.

I decided to do some searching on Lewis Ramsey.   I did find a news article on the car wreck.    Both Lewis and Kristin had landed into the hospital.   The article just described the second occupant of the vehicle as Ramsey's teenage niece.    I went to the courts website and pulled up a list of suits where Lewis represented the plaintiff.    It would cost serious money to download them all, and I didn't think I could justify it to Hutchens.   I just stabbed at one at random.    The boilerplate looked familiar.   This time, a Mr. Joseph Cramer was alleging that a taxi driver had caused him "life-altering injuries."    

I slid back from my desk and pulled a bottle of Knob Creek out of the credenza.   I tipped a measure into my empty coffee cup and took a swig.    How should I play this?   I should run direct to Ray, and I'm not one to pad my expense report, but how many opportunities do I get to have dinner with a lovely woman, and at the companies expense.    I'd call Ray tomorrow.   I I finished the rest of the bourbon and headed home.   I wanted to shower, shave, change my diaper, and dress nicely for tonight.

Expense report, Item seven.   Eighty-five dollars.    Dinner and wine.   More research on Ms. Johnson.

At six forty, I got into the car and drove over to Kristin's.   I double-parked in front of her house and hoped she would be ready as I took the stairs two at a time to her front door.   I rang the bell and she appeared immediately.   She looked lovely.   She was wearing a knockout of a red dress this time and lipstick of the same color.   I led her back down to my car and held her door open for her.  See, chivalry isn't dead.

We got to the restaurant and sat at a table on their rear terrace.    A bottle of Chianti loosened things up.   I tried not to dig too hard lest I tip my hand and destroy the magic.    We had finished our antipasto and were waiting for the next course when she asked me, "So what kind of diaper does Johnny Diaper wear?"

"Depends on my mood and what I'm doing.    Tonight I have a pair of supreme lites on.   They're still pretty absorbent, but don't feel like I've got a blanket stuffed in my pants like some of the heavy-duty ones.   Plenty of opportunities to change.   Diapers have come a long way in the past few years.   Nothing like when I was a kid."

She laughed.    "I know what you mean.    I tried all sorts of things when I first found I had to wear them.     If I'm home, I'll wear something lighter.   I hate changing when I'm out so if I'm out running errands like last night, I'll have to resort the blankets.    What did you wear as a kid."

"Well, I stayed in Pampers until I couldn't fit in them anymore.   Then the only option my mother found that would work was cloth diapers.   They just didn't make a lot of youth diapers back then."

We moved on to other subjects.   She explained that she was studying to be a nurse now.   She asked me what I did.   I had to be careful.    I said I was an investigator.

"A private eye, like Cormoron Strike," she said referencing the creation of J.K. Rowling's alter-ego Robert Galbraith.

"Something like that."

"It must be very exciting." 

"At times.   But usually, it's a lot of boring sifting through computer databases and other records.    You a fan of Galbraith?"

"Yes, I grew in the Harry Potter generation.   When Jo started the Strike books, it was a natural thing to try."

We talked and had our wine.    Far too soon it came to an end and I paid the bill and drove back to Kristin's apartment.    This time I found a space at the end of the block.   I helped her out of the car and walked with her to her door.   Anything to prolong the moment.   At her door, I bade her good night.     I was staring into her eyes and since she was almost my height all she had to do is lean forward slightly when she kissed me.   "It's been a wonderful night, Johnny.   Let's keep in touch."

I watched her as she entered the house and closed the door behind her.    Not an unpleasant evening, and a promise of more to come.    I headed back to my car with a spring in my step.   I was just reaching for the handle of the car door when I felt something heavy slam behind me pressing me to the car.    I tried to reach for the gun under my jacket shoulder but before I could work my arm out from under the mass that was holding me, someone knocked out the lights.

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A slap in the face, and I woke up with a headache like you wouldn't believe.    And only part of it was due to the wine.    The slapper was probably the same large mass that pinned me to my car and was the source of my headache.     What was I going to find out now?    Join us next time and find out as well.   Yours Truly, Johnny Diaper.

 

[CynthiaCM]

25 minutes ago, kerry said:

I agree with you in principle, and specifically in the case of the shows you mention because the "mistakes" are clearly intended as cultural statements. Here (even if it did exist in the original, which willnotwill says may not be the case) the use of "your's" makes no statement and appears to be little more than grammatical ignorance (or, as willnotwill said, "an instance of my brain running faster then my fingers."

Will, I'm done with this. I apologize for hijacking your thread.

Boy, do I feel silly. My brain translated "apostrophe" to "comma" and had been arguing that the comma in "Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar" should remain intact. 

[maly]

Really liking this, can't wait for the next installment.

Maly.

[willnotwill]

And now, Dr. Sanford's Caboose Creme brings you another episode of (ringing sound):
Yours Truly, Johnny Diaper.

Yes, the man with the action-packed expense account, America's favorite freelance insurance investigator, Johnny Diaper.

The ringing sound was in my head.    I opened my eyes and tried to focus.   I was sitting on wet pavement.  It's times like this the diaper came in handy, its waterproof shell was keeping my skin from whatever was in this puddle.    It was dark, but there were no stars.   Then I realized what was blotting out the sky.   The man who rang my bells, to begin with.

"What the hell?" I said trying to get up.

A heavy hand pushed me back down.   "Shaddup and listen," a coarse voice said.   "This is a warning.    Stay away from Kristin Johnson.   Get it?"

I shook my head trying to get my composure.     Stay away from her?    "Get it?" the voice asked again.   This time the question was accompanied by a kick to my ribs.

"Yeah, I get it," I said.

"Well, you do it.   I wouldn't want to have to come and discuss it with you further."

"Just who are you?"

"Never mind.   Just stay away from Kristin."   This was punctuated with another swing at my head.

When I was able to sit up again, he was gone.    I struggled to my feet and looked around.    I was in an alley.   I could see the street ahead and my car.   Big Bubba hadn't dragged me far after he hit me the first time.    I shuffled to my car and got in.    I was going to have to puzzle this out as soon as the pain subsided enough for me to think.

Expense report, Item 8.   Forty-four dollars.   One bottle Extra Strength Tylenol, One bottle Extra Strength Advil, One bottle Extra Strength Bourbon.   Put it down as medical treatment.   Two shots of each and call me in the morning.

I got home and stripped out of my clothes hoping they were salvageable.   I figured a hot shower couldn't hurt so I got in there hoping it would clear my head.    So someone didn't like me being around Kristin Johnson.   Who could it be?   Was Bubba an old boyfriend or some secret admirer she didn't know.    I suspect if I wouldn't have to work hard to describe him in a way she could identify.

But I was getting far afield from the job.    I wasn't being paid to get cozy with Kristin, that was on my own dime.   I was there to figure out what was going on with this ten million dollar lawsuit.    I needed to focus on that.   Only after that was resolved should I give attention to my potential relationship with the girl.     I still didn't know what to do next, so I took another dose of the bourbon and hoped I'd feel better in the morning after I slept on it.

I woke up with the room already bright from the sun.    I looked at the clock.   Almost nine.    I reached down and felt my diaper.    Pretty saturated.   I got up and looked at the sheets.   Fortunately, no leaks so I didn't have to worry about that.   Hell, I didn't even feel like making the bed at this point, let alone changing the sheets.    I stepped gingerly toward the bathroom.   I was sore all over.   I stripped out of the diaper and decided to try another shower.     It seemed to help.

Getting dressed, I pulled the last diaper out of the box of daily wearers.   Had I ordered more?    I better pop over to Ace Medical and pick some up.    I headed into the kitchen and started the coffee.   Two Tylenol, two Advil, and two cups of coffee.   Breakfast of champions.   Feeling better, I got in my car and drove the half mile to the medical supply.

"Hi, Johnny," Jill the clerk said.   "How's it going?  You look like hell. by the way."

"Feel about the same.   I had a goon deliver a message to me last night.    I'll be OK.   I need a case of Supers."

"No problem, size large right?   We should have some in the back."

"Yes, thanks."   Then it occurred to me.    "Jill, do you know a girl named Kristin Johnson?"

"Ah, yes.   Nice woman."

"She's a customer here?"

"Yes.   She's been getting diapers from us for a few years now.    Too bad, she's such a pretty girl to have that problem."

"It should only happen to ugly lugs like me," I countered.

"I didn't mean it that way, Johnny."

"I know."

"I'll get your diapers."

So there it was.   The diapers had not been a recent addition to Kristin's life.   Score another for Kristin telling me how it was and something being wrong with the lawsuit.    I went to the office and got out my file on the case.     Sometimes it helped me to write out my report to put things in perspective.    Something was wrong here.   Insurance fraud was happening for sure.   Was Kristin the instigator?   Was it her ambulance-chasing uncle?   And who was the guy who decked me last night?

I figured it was time to confront Kristin.   It might ruin my chances at a relationship, but I had to put food on the table.   I picked up the phone.

"Hi, Kristin.   It's Johnny."

"Oh, hi Johnny.   Thanks for dinner last night."

"You're welcome.   I had a good time as well.     I was wondering...  I have something to discuss with you.   Can we meet for drinks this evening?"

"I hope you're not going to try proposing marriage already," she said.

"No, no.  Not quite that serious."

"Well, I'm going to see my uncle at five.   Perhaps I could meet you at six at Fresco?    I don't think Uncle Lou will take that long."

"Very well, see you then."

I mulled over how to approach this.   But maybe I was approaching the wrong person.     Ramsey obviously knows what is going on with this lawsuit.   He had to, he was the lawyer.   Maybe it was him I should be confronting, not Kristin.   At least I should put some eyes on him and figure out what he was doing.    I changed my diaper and grabbed the last of the Red Bulls and drove over to the law offices of Ramsey and Tapper.   Their office was in a two-story professional building that contained two attorney offices, a chiropractor, and a financial planner.    I walked down the street and grabbed a roast beef sandwich from a nearby deli and returned to the car.

I was just washing the last of the sandwich down with the end of the Red Bull when I saw someone emerging from Ramsey's law offices.   I knew what Ramsey and Tapper looked like respectively, they were vain enough to plaster their mugs on the advertisements for their services.     But this guy I recognized as neither.   It was Bubba from the alley last night.  It was beginning to come into focus.    Bubba probably worked for Uncle Lou.    Was he sent after me because I was investigating the case, or just because I was a man getting too close to his precious niece?

I looked at my watch.   It was 4:45.   It was time to find out.   I wanted to confront Ramsey before Kristin got there.   I made my way up to the office.   The outer door was unlocked and I entered the office.   The outer office was unoccupied.   The secretary if they had one, had obviously left.    One large office was empty, I got close enough to make out Clark Tapper's law school diploma.   Wrong office.   I went over to the other office in the suite.    The door was closed.    I swiftly opened it and stepped inside.   There, seated behind the desk, was Lewis Ramsey.   Good ol' Uncle Lou.

"What is this?   Who are you?  Why are you barging in here?"   He was stabbing at something on his desk.   So he didn't know me by sight.   Maybe he didn't know me at all.

"My name is Johnny Diaper.  I'm an independent insurance..."

I didn't get it out when he snapped, "The great Johnny Diaper.   I finally meet you.   Yeah, I know who you are.   You've caused me a lot of pain on cases before."

He suddenly motioned with his head toward me.  For a second, I didn't know why but then I realized as Bubba grabbed me again.    "Disarm him, Thomas.   Then sit him down."

Bubba's rough hand felt me over and discovered the 38 under my jacket.    With one hand he pushed me into a waiting chair.   He dropped the gun on Ramsey's desk.   Ramsey picked it up and pointed it at me.   "You can go now, Thomas.   I think I can handle Mr. Diaper myself now."

Bubba made his way out of the room.   "So, Mr. Diaper.   What do I owe the pleasure of this visit?   What are you investigating?"

"So you don't know?" I asked.    

"No I don't, but I'm sure you're going to tell me."

"I thought you might know since you sent Bubba there to rough me up the other night."

"What interest do you have with my niece?" he said any trace of humor now gone from his face.

"My intentions are purely honorable," I stated.

"I somehow doubt that.   Get to the point."

"I'm working for Security Liability and Trust.   They represented the bus line."

"I see.   So you thought you could seduce my daughter for evidence to use against her."

"That's not the case at all.   Though I suspect now that she doesn't know anything about this suit."

"Your suspicions are correct, for all the good it will do you.   She doesn't."

"She's going to have to find out eventually."

"Yes, and I'll tell her soon.   She'll be upset, but I'll tell her it's for her own good.    I'll also tell her that she needs to go along or it will go very badly for me.   She's very devoted, she would go for it if I told her the truth, that I'd be disbarred."

"Why?"

"Because I wanted to provide for her future.    Not that she's ever asked for anything.   Far from it.   Do you know what she asked me for?"

"No."

"She was involved in that bus wreck.  She decided that maybe she should have a car.  All she wanted was me to cosign the loan.   But she deserves more for what she's gone through, what she is continuing to go through.   I can't fix the soggy bottom, but I can make her more comfortable financially."

"But, that's blown now.  I'll testify to all this."

"You aren't going to be in a position to testify about anything," he pointed the gun squarely at my forehead.

"I've already given a preliminary report to Ray Hutchens at Security."

"Inadmissible.   Hearsay.   I'll get it excluded even before the trial starts."

"But murder over this?"

"I love my niece more than you could ever know."

I stared him down.    This was a desperate man in a desperate situation, and he was holding my gun on me.   That and Bubba was probably waiting in the outer office.   I was biding my time trying to come up with an idea when the door opened again.

"Johnny,   What are you doing here?"  She then looked at the gun in Ramsey's hand.  "Uncle Lou?   What's going on?"

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I was beginning to sweat.   Partly because my gun was being held on me, partly because of the threat that I wouldn't live long, and partly because the girl of my dreams was standing there gaping at the whole scene.    What I did know was I was uncertain how this was going to turn out.   We'll find out in the next episode.   Join me then.   For now,

Yours truly, Johnny Diaper.

 

 

 

[Fulldiaper]

interesting, veryyyyy interessssssting. I do hope there is more?