Embarassment, Increased Incontinence, Better Pull Up?

[Jan for June]

First post and feeling really nervous.  I feel like I need to give a little bit of background, and if this is in the wrong place please move this post.

I have had issues with having a dribbling / dripping of very small amounts of urine when I am reclining in bed or walking for about five years but ignored it or used feminine pads because it wasn't really that much volume. It never bothered me that after I thought I was done going to the bathroom I would still pee on myself a little, or pee into my panties / pad.  I just accepted this and moved on or spent more time on the toilet.  I spent a lot of time learning to clench really hard if I sneezed, coughed, or was laughing so that I wouldn't feel myself urinate into my underwear and I wouldn't end up with a wet spot while I was out and about.  Over the past year and a half I have had three major surgeries and found that I have had more serious issues with stress incontinence to the point where if I cough I start to urinate on myself, same with sneezing, no matter how hard I try to clench.  In fact clenching has started to become painful after the surgeries. Nothing like a stabbing pain but just honestly sore and it only stops  a little bit of the urine because I've already peed all over myself or the second I stop consciously clenching I just start dripping again. 

Approximately a month ago to cut down on laundry I just stopped wearing bottoms other than my panties and a pad because I am on work from home.  I had to start sitting on a towel because even though the bathroom is close (about 40 feet) if I felt myself dribbling more than a little by the time I got up if anything happened I would start to pee down my legs and had several instances where if I coughed and clenched I would still pee onto the bed (overflowing my pad and panties) which is mortifying and I have been doing a ton of laundry. I also noticed I was spending hours in the bathroom because I didn't trust that I was done and had a few accidents where I was "done" and then would wet on my way back to whatever I was doing. 

My doctor and the surgeons understand that I am having issues with stress incontinence and have talked about the fact that I feel like I am constantly peeing a little bit on myself and that the pads have confirmed this.   They advised this means I may have an issue with my bladder properly emptying when I do go to the bathroom. They have done multiple tests in advance of my next surgery, and finally my primary care and my surgeon advised that if the feminine pads aren't holding up anymore I should move to a stronger protection and that once I have fully recovered from surgeries we then look at alternative potential surgical methods to deal with my incontinence.

After I uncontrollably urinated during intercourse and made a mess on our bed I finally broke down and asked my husband for help because I couldn't bring myself to go to the store and was in near tears.  I started wearing them last week and felt much more secure during the day while working from home. As I have been really careful about trying to go to the bathroom and still clenching I have been able to go through the day with one pull up and then wash really well and put on a fresh one at night.

I woke up this morning soaked, and had a near panic attack because I haven't wet the bed since I was a child around 8-10 years old.  My entire pull up that I had put on fresh the night before was completely full.  I remember waking up a little and using the bathroom for a BM but not having to urinate and going back to bed around 2am, by 5am when I get up for work I was soaked but luckily the bed was still dry.  I started crying this morning when I got up to go to the bathroom and realized I had to kind of waddle because the pull up was so full.  By the time I made it to the bathroom I didn't have to urinate anymore but tried to use the bathroom, did my other morning business, showered, and put on a new pull up for the day. 

This leads to my questions:

Is wearing pull ups increasing my incontinence?  Should I stop wearing and just try rushing to the bathroom?  I've found that I have to make sure I try to urinate every hour but that I am still having issues with noticeable urine output when I cough / sneeze / whatever currently triggered my SI.  I feel like my pull up isn't secure but I'm terrified to move to diapers. Is there a really good pull up that I could also use at night as a woman and hopefully have less concern? 

I'm just terrified this is going to affect my marriage, my sex life, and my ability to do things in public.   My husband was very sweet about it and hasn't said anything mean, he has given me a lot of hugs and comfort.  He has sweetly joked that he needs to go get me more of my sexy pull ups and is genuinely trying to not be a jerk about this so maybe all the crying and upset is my own? 

[warpiper]

I'm going to move this to the incontinence section, as it's more appropriate for there.

It sounds like you are having increased issues, and it's not likely that using pull-ups is increasing your incontinence by itself. 

The thing that breaks my heart the most is when you say that you won't be able to do things in public, and with needing incontinence protection, this is the exact opposite. Using protection means you CAN go out and do things, because you aren't tied to needing the bathroom every half hour or so. Don't let life pass you by because of this!

As for the night time stuff, typically pull-ups aren't the best thing for night time, as leaks can happen at the leg holes, but there are a bunch of other solutions that I'll leave to my other members who have more experience with this. Check out the products by NorthShoreCare for both pull-ups and briefs.

Just remember you aren't alone, and this might be an issue, but there is usually an answer as to why you are having incontinence. It's a symptom of a disease, not the disease itself!

[Dartplayerinwvc]

I am on the reverse... While a DL for most of my life, I am with MS and Colon cancer issues and now a brand new knee tissues from an organ donor... DO get it checked but...have fun with it -with your spouse.. don't sweat this too much.... Too many people WISH they had your issues. High 5 from Utah. Stay dry, Stay safe

[Jan for June]

Thank you all for the kind feedback.  I think this is one of those things where I knew there has been a problem, but I didn't want to face it or deal with it and now it's started to force itself on me with the demand to be heard.  I am really grateful for my husband, he hasn't made a big deal of anything and has just tried to be a calm and stabilizing force in my life during everything we have had to go through with my physical health over the past few years. 

22 hours ago, diaperedboilerman said:

You will find in time that pull ups do not hold as much or as well as regular tape on diapers. It is much easier said than done, but once you accept that you are back in diapers, you can relax and move on with your life. Wearing the proper clothes to cover your protection is the key to getting back to being social (once we are allowed to do so) and no longer worrying about where that bathroom is, and if you will sneeze or cough, or trying to sit in the concert, game, or what ever next to the bathroom.

I don't think I am ready for actual tape on diapers at this point, as opposed to a pull up and it may be just that - accepting that this is something that is just part of my life.  I've honestly been self isolating so much due to embarrassment about having an increased issue that my husband is pushing me to get out of the house a little bit while I have energy for the day (my underlying health issues cause a lot of fatigue) and just use a pull up.   

22 hours ago, diaperedboilerman said:

It is just underwear you can pee in. 

Making someone with SI laugh is just rude (jk). ? Thank you though I needed that.  I think I am stressing myself out as looking at this as something other than underwear - which granted it is -

18 hours ago, Dartplayerinwvc said:

I am on the reverse... While a DL for most of my life, I am with MS and Colon cancer issues and now a brand new knee tissues from an organ donor... DO get it checked

So sorry to hear about your health issues, it can be so draining to go through all the doctors appointments, the tests, the medications, and the general malaise that comes with being unwell especially if it's a chronic issue. 

18 hours ago, Dartplayerinwvc said:

have fun with it -with your spouse.. don't sweat this too much.... Too many people WISH they had your issues. High 5 from Utah. Stay dry, Stay safe

Thank you this is really good advice.  He doesn't seem to be terribly stressed about this so I probably shouldn't either.  Easier said than done though!

22 hours ago, warpiper said:

As for the night time stuff, typically pull-ups aren't the best thing for night time, as leaks can happen at the leg holes, but there are a bunch of other solutions that I'll leave to my other members who have more experience with this. Check out the products by NorthShoreCare for both pull-ups and briefs.

I took a look at NorthShore yesterday and may reach out to them for some feedback.  I have had some minor issues with leaking but I think that's because I am a side sleeper.  Not sure how to deal with this other than that we have some left over bed pads from one of the surgeries which we used last night on my side of the bed. 

I really appreciate everyone's reassurance, this has been such an isolating and confusing time (in general) and it means a lot to have people to talk to that are going through some of the same issues.

[Luvs24]

I'm sorry to hear about your health issues, and hope that you will be able to take control. I'm glad your husband has been there for you. After my accident I did try pull-ups at night and I wet thru them. I switched to diapers and its alot better, and I get a good nights sleep. I now wear diapers 24/7 and I'm able to enjoy life. But since your not comfortable with diapers at this time, and would rather wear pull-ups you could use the goodnite bedmats, or disposable pad on your bed in case your pull-up leaks. 

[nappylover78]

It might be that you need time to get used to the idea of wearing taped nappies, but if the pull-ups don't provide you with enough confidence then eventually you will appreciate the added security. They're just another kind of underwear, anyway!

[Jan for June]

On 6/20/2020 at 8:34 AM, diaperedboilerman said:

In time you will be ok and more accepting  of it. Diapers do not define who you are. Keep them hidden under your clothes and hold your head up and move on. Your husband is right. Go out there and try not to be so worried about others opinions. you can't stop living your life because someone might think something. And if properly covered no one will even know. But trust me, in time you will see, a tape on diaper will give you much better security than a pull up that will leak.

Thanks for the encouragement!  I did get some samples for diapers that are on the way, which I will be trying out in the safety of home, which I think will help with being a little less self conscious.

On 6/20/2020 at 10:25 AM, Luvs24 said:

After my accident I did try pull-ups at night and I wet thru them. I switched to diapers and its alot better, and I get a good nights sleep. I now wear diapers 24/7 and I'm able to enjoy life. But since your not comfortable with diapers at this time, and would rather wear pull-ups you could use the goodnite bedmats, or disposable pad on your bed in case your pull-up leaks. 

Thank you for the suggestion I am going to see about the goodnite bedmats because I have been using the Certainty disposable bed pads and when I do leak they go right through which seems to defeat the purpose.  Just heats up the bed and doesn't actually help keep it dry.  I have to wonder how they test these because the filling breaks up just from the light movement you have in your sleep by default.

On 6/22/2020 at 9:21 AM, nappylover78 said:

It might be that you need time to get used to the idea of wearing taped nappies, but if the pull-ups don't provide you with enough confidence then eventually you will appreciate the added security. They're just another kind of underwear, anyway!

Thank you! 

General Update:

I got some North Shore Go Supreme and wore one to bed last night and it's absolutely an adjustment from store brand because they swell but it did hold and I didn't need to change in the middle of the night which was great.  It was the first good night of sleep since I've had to make the switch so I'm pretty darn excited.

[orp73]

The Abriflex premium pullups are really good better than most pullups (xpmedical.com) 

[Luvs24]

8 hours ago, Jan for June said:

Thanks for the encouragement!  I did get some samples for diapers that are on the way, which I will be trying out in the safety of home, which I think will help with being a little less self conscious.

Thank you for the suggestion I am going to see about the goodnite bedmats because I have been using the Certainty disposable bed pads and when I do leak they go right through which seems to defeat the purpose.  Just heats up the bed and doesn't actually help keep it dry.  I have to wonder how they test these because the filling breaks up just from the light movement you have in your sleep by default.

Thank you! 

General Update:

I got some North Shore Go Supreme and wore one to bed last night and it's absolutely an adjustment from store brand because they swell but it did hold and I didn't need to change in the middle of the night which was great.  It was the first good night of sleep since I've had to make the switch so I'm pretty darn excited.

Your welcome.

[Alex Bridges]

It’s a myth that wearing incontinence products worsens incontinence. I would second what others have already told you: see a specialist (because incontinence is often a symptom of something rather than a condition in itself) and buy better products. Nothing you’ll find at the supermarket or drug store is any good.

I’m personally a big fan of Abena products. They are the perfect balance between absorbent and discrete. They are thinner than Northshore, more absorbent, and completely silent. I wear the level “2” product, but level 1 or even 0 may be plenty for you.

As for the tape on versus pull up, the former provides more coverage, especially at night. Adults are not shaped like kids; our weight is distributed differently. That makes the likelihood of leaks in bed higher for pull ups.

As for self-confidence, a pair of tight underwear and a looser pair of pants hides pretty much everything and keeps things extra quiet. I’ve been wearing a diaper around family for 3 years without it ever having been noticed.

If someone does notice, who cares, really? This isn’t middle school. People are understanding; 99.9% won’t say anything. I just came from the chiropractor, and she works on my butt area through the diaper. I raised the medical aspect of it in advance, but not the diaper part. She didn’t even ask about it once she got her hands on it. Same with masseuses. 

[Justmeinnh]

I thought of this last night- tape on diapers are embarrassing when you put them on and take them off, but for the rest of the time, in bed, and you are dry, and comfortable and well rested..... that tradeoff is totally worth it for me.

[Mindylou]

I would like to recommend to you Abena Abriflex pull-ups.. I use level 3 .. I had spinal cord damage after a bad fall and have had incontinence issues since.. it seems to be getting worse a bit. The last 3 months I have been padded 24/7 .. pull-ups during the day and diapers at night. I found the Abena pull-ups on Amazon and I'm totally impressed by them.. I can wear and wet like a diaper all day with no leak-through, even though they're cloth back. They are cheaper than North Shore brand, and don't get me wrong, I like and wear North Shore Supreme diapers at night, switching out with Abena Abriform.. so both brands are great. But once you find a secure method of keeping yourself dry you can get your confidence back and get out and do things again. These pull-ups have really increased my confidence also.