Annotations by Sophie (Complete)

[Wannatripbaby]

1 hour ago, Sophie ♥ said:

We cuddled on the bed and watched some movie about a ghost man, although I can no longer remember the name of the movie now.

Was he the ghost with the most, baby? 

all kidding aside, that was another great chapter. I know most of your readers here are probably like "You got to wear diapers at 13? Luckyyyyyyyyy!" But I cannot even begin to understand how hard this was for you. I actually had the privilege of helping someone come to terms with their bedwetting and it was like pulling teeth. And that was for a 40-year-old woman! For a teenage boy it must've been devastating.

[Sophie ♥]

1 hour ago, Cute_Kitten said:

That girl and her mom sound like they were chill, accepting peops and just what you needed at the time. It's great you could open yourself up and be vulnerable with them- that takes a lot of trust in another person. 

They were amazing people!  I do wonder what became of them... but looking into that would take a lot of effort and emotional hardship that I don't think I have in me these days.. >_<

I wonder if she - the girl I came to love - is a Little now?  She always liked playing as a little girl...

44 minutes ago, Wannatripbaby said:

But I cannot even begin to understand how hard this was for you. I actually had the privilege of helping someone come to terms with their bedwetting and it was like pulling teeth. And that was for a 40-year-old woman! For a teenage boy it must've been devastating.

Time has dulled my memory enough that I am probably free of a lot of that fear and anxiety... but I very much remember the feeling of standing outside that diaper aisle with her, my head down in shame, and her arms around me, and that... love.  That pure, unadulterated, simple love she showed me.  Though I don't remember the words she said, I still feel them.  I feel them any time someone hugs me tight.  Maybe chasing that feeling is what makes me a Little?

[Cute_Kitten]

6 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

They were amazing people!  I do wonder what became of them... but looking into that would take a lot of effort and emotional hardship that I don't think I have in me these days.. >_<

I wonder if she - the girl I came to love - is a Little now?  She always liked playing as a little girl...

 

This made me think of a quote I came across not too long ago. It sounds like they were there just when you needed them. 

[YourFNF]

I sometimes wonder if my life had been better if I had discovered who I am earlier but I honestly don't know if it would have even been possible.

[diaperpt]

YourFNF, I'm old enough so that I would never have understood who I was back then. I can only know that my life would have been ... different. I look at young girls and feel jealous that I didn't get to live their experience, but I also realize playing what if for more than a moment isn't productive. I just focus on being happy I can be myself now.

Sophie, of course you were embarrassed. "The girl you had come to love" (and I love the way you used that consistently) really was a very kind, caring and supportive person helping you to realize a need that you didn't want to admit and certainly not let anyone else know about. I know I'd have been horribly embarrassed by it. 

My psychiatrist and then my gender therapist helped lead me to understand why I had gotten attracted to diapers. I had long understood the appeal of diapers was that they filled a need in some way. I hadn't recognized why, but I knew that much. For people attracted to diapers and you, being a little, when you can fill whatever need you may have and successfully integrate that into your life without negative outcomes in other areas of your life, do you really need to know why?  I needed to know why for myself in the hopes of salvaging a marriage... only to realize that diapers were a step leading me to understand myself as trans, coming out to my wife and losing the marriage anyway. And yet while that may sound sad, it was the best thing to ever come about for me. How I wish I knew as a child, a teen, in my twenties... any time sooner than my 60's but I wasn't ready and it couldn't happen until I was ready. So, back to YourFNF, in my case my life would NOT have been better had I known myself earlier. 

[Sophie ♥]

The summer following, the girl that I had come to love was having a carnival in her hometown.  I desperately wanted to go.  I hadn’t had the opportunity to see her since April, but I also didn’t have a car, a motorcycle, an airplane, a train, a hovercraft, or a teleporter.  All I had was a mother to annoy.

After about two weeks of constant pestering, I convinced my mom to take my family and myself down to visit her.  Unfortunately, on top of all the pestering, I also offered to pay the seventy-nine dollars for the hotel and buy the family dinner.  It would all be worth it though.

We did go to the carnival, my entire family and the girl I had come to love.  Things were marvelous.  At twilight, we rode the Ferris wheel and watched the sun go down.  We stopped right at the top.  It was like something you see in a movie.

The next day we had to go home.  I begged my mom to let us stay another night, but she wouldn’t budge this time.  I kissed the girl I had come to love goodbye before we left.  I promised I would get on the computer to talk to her when I got back.

I kept my promise.  I signed online and told her what a wonderful time I had and how every penny I spent was well worth it.  Then she told me that things weren’t working out.  She said watching me go down the entrance ramp onto the freeway really hurt her because it reminded her she wouldn’t be seeing me again for another few months.  

I didn’t quite understand at that time, and I cried.  I tried making her out as a bad person in my mind, but I couldn’t do it.  It took me a few weeks, but I realized where she was coming from and that she was right.

We weren’t meant to be together.

Annotations by:
Sophie

[YourFNF]

Ooofff

The feels

[Wannatripbaby]

*sniff* I'm not crying! YOU'RE crying!

*Hides the mountain of used tissues by my chair*

[diaperpt]

Well, we knew this would happen one way or another since you've said you wonder about her. Still, I think we're all said for you. It's often a shock and always hurts when the other person breaks off the relationship. Yes, this made sense, but then sense and emotions just aren't at all the same and seldom play well together.

[Sophie ♥]

1 hour ago, diaperpt said:

Yes, this made sense, but then sense and emotions just aren't at all the same and seldom play well together.

Ain't this the truth. >_<

Thanks for the kind words, everyone.  We have a lot more story tho, and many more feels.

[Sophie ♥]

As I mentioned before, I made many of my friends those days over the computer.  Aside from the girl I had come to love that later slipped away, there was a girl I would never come to love and a boy she once introduced me to.

The boy and I began to talk and he quickly came to call me his little brother.  He was my role model.  I admired his outlook on life and his straightforward attitude, and it was this boy who, after the girl who I had come to love no longer kept a close watch over me, administered a bedtime to insure I remained healthy.  He even amended the definition of bedtime to include a diaper and pacifier so I could sleep properly.

By then I was fourteen years old.  I am not quite sure how much you remember of your childhood, but by that age the idea of equipping yourself with babyish paraphernalia to fall asleep was a concept well outdated.  However, if anything, I was only acquiring a deeper fondness for my pacifier and diapers.

I entirely understand how mystified the previous sentence could leave someone.  I was at one point, and still occasionally if I am in an off mood, a skeptic of anything that conflicts with the customary stereotypes society has so conveniently cemented in place for us.  How can someone as old as myself, at that time or currently, enjoy things intended for babies?

Perhaps you jumped to psychological problems to explain this abnormality, because I sure did.  I couldn’t afford a therapist at the time, nor could I afford telling my family about my secret life. So instead I did what any curious, over-obsessive teenage insomniac with a theorized medical condition would do: research.

I came across many suggestions for what could possibly be the cause for my infantilism (a term a learned that night was defined as “the desire to wear diapers and be treated as an infant or toddler”) but most of the psychoanalytic theories were easily refuted.  The fact of the matter is that I had a wonderful childhood.  If there was a problem with me, I couldn’t imagine my past having much to do with it.

However, my research didn’t leave me at a complete loss.  The first thing that stuck out was the idea of stress relief through age play.  When thinking about how a child-like state could eliminate all the day-to-day worries that frequently plagued adults, my fixation was beginning to make more sense.  After all, when I began my age play sessions a year before with the girl I had come to love, the first thing I admired was how drastically my anxiety decreased.  Even the need to use the bathroom was no longer a hassle, and I understood how a diaper could prove useful at any age.

The second thing associated with age play was the concept of attention.  Babies are always carefully watched and cared for.  They are required to do nothing and in return are lavished with the interest of everyone around them.  When the situation was phrased as such, I found a second reason to enjoy acting like a baby.

The final connection to age play I found was gender association.  It spoke of how being seen as and behaving like a child shows tenderness, softness, and other aspects of life that are frequently seen as feminine.  At the time, this was the only thing I could not relate to.

But that boy that I was introduced to by that one girl that I would never come to love played a major part in verifying the third connection between my sanity and what I was becoming.

Annotations by:
Sophie

[Wannatripbaby]

5 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

They are required to do nothing and in return are lavished with the interest of everyone around them.  When the situation was phrased as such, I found a second reason to enjoy acting like a baby.

I mran... you're not wrong. XD

Also is there any further story behind "The girl I would never come to love" and why you called her that? Was it simply in juxtaposition to The Girl You Had Come To Love? Or did she do something specifically that eliminated any chance of affection between you and her?

[Sophie ♥]

7 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

I mran... you're not wrong. XD

Also is there any further story behind "The girl I would never come to love" and why you called her that? Was it simply in juxtaposition to The Girl You Had Come To Love? Or did she do something specifically that eliminated any chance of affection between you and her?

For story purposes, it's a juxtaposition.  But it has a bit deeper meaning to me personally.  She had a crush on me and did a lot of the baby roleplay stuff too.  But I just... never developed feelings for her.  She was a VERY nice girl and I wish I could have liked her as much as she liked me.  But alas...

[diaperpt]

20 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

The fact of the matter is that I had a wonderful childhood. 

I used to say that all the time. There were a few times when I came to realize the people I told that didn't believe it, even when at the time I certainly did. I say this not at all to challenge your experience; only to say that it certainly caught my attention. I've got to be careful because I tend to transference.

20 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

The final connection to age play I found was gender association. 

I think I might have mentioned when I started seeing a gender therapist and admitted my attraction to diapers, she said it was very natural - that I was trying to go back to a time before I was consciously aware of my gender and could get it right this time.

There is so much here that just rings so true. I'm really enjoying your efforts.

[Sophie ♥]

I was the funny kid in middle school.  I was very outgoing and I could make anyone laugh.  It had always been that way for me.  For an eighth grader, I was very witty.  I took much pride in knowing I was the sort of person people loved to be around.

But there was one boy funnier than me, and I was very jealous.  It wasn’t that he was faster with his puns or that they were better, but he extended his range of jokes to insults, and I didn’t like hurting others’ feelings.  I had to settle for second place.

But things were different when I got home and began messaging the boy I called my role model.  I wasn’t the outgoing type anymore, which contradicted my existence up until that point.  I was reserved and timid around him.  I couldn’t make out why.

One day I was talking to him and he asked what I looked like.  I told him.  I had dark brown eyes, the sort that aren’t pretty at all, and I told him how I wish I had blue.  I was a rather thin person with weak muscles, which was an image I was fond of.  I had blonde hair, longer than a boy’s should be, covering the back of my neck, my ears, and my eyes if I didn’t sweep my bangs to the side.

The boy I called my role model told me I sounded more like a girl by appearance than a boy.  I blushed, something I rarely did, and told him I liked the way I looked.  Then he started asking me other questions, like what hobbies I had and how I dressed.  My answers were relatively male-oriented, so he asked more descriptive questions.

“Do you like to watch romance movies?” I didn’t favor them.  Sometimes I would watch movies on Lifetime, but from what I’ve collected, they were too cliché for my taste.  Something I wasn’t aware of at the time was that not all romance movies were so predictable.  My favorite to date is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

“Do you like girls’ clothes?” I was fond of their underwear.  Male briefs were boring and boxers never had the right prints.  Nothing’s more humiliating than a girl seeing your Power Ranger boxers.  On the other hand, nothing’s more adorable than seeing a pair of Hello Kitty panties.  I told him the attraction to woman’s underwear was standard for a boy my age.

“Have you ever worn girls’ clothes?” I had when I was nine years old.  My younger sister had a large selection of dresses.  I didn’t fit into most of them, but I would often try on the ones that fit properly.  I was an adorable little girl at the age of nine.  My hair was still considerably long then.  I never liked short hair.

“Do you remember wanting to be a baby when you were littler?” When my mother had my youngest brother, when I was nine and a half, I would take diapers from his room and hide them under my bed.  I never wore them.  I just liked to have them nearby.  Also, whenever I was with my female friends and we would play house (a game I played where each child would select the role of someone within a household and play that part in case you had never played as a child), I would have to be the baby or I wouldn’t play at all.  If my male friends were playing along, I would play the eldest brother.

“Do you like any girls?” I did like a girl.  She was my best friend and I liked her very much.  I just didn’t want to ruin what we had.  I didn’t want to lose her.

“Do you like any boys?” Romantically, no.

Annotations by:
Sophie

[Wannatripbaby]

12 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

Male briefs were boring and boxers never had the right prints. 

Obviously you've never seen my Brothers Marvin the Martian boxers that say "Where's the kaboom?"

... Huh. That sounded a lot weirder than it did in my head. XD

[Sophie ♥]

5 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Obviously you've never seen my Brothers Marvin the Martian boxers that say "Where's the kaboom?"

WELL ya got me there! XD

[diaperpt]

The boy you called your role model ... or when I write it, should I write "The boy I called my role model"? That would keep the status of a name, if not a title.

But as I started to say, had some very interesting questions and your answers painted a picture of some of the inner conflict. Did you not understand the conflict and some of what was behind it, did you have solid hints but not admit that to yourself, or did you see fairly clearly then. Actually, haven't you already said that you didn't understand any conflict at that point... but then my mind is a sieve and I struggle to remember what I ate for lunch.

Regardless, this was an interesting and insightful entry.

[Sophie ♥]

22 minutes ago, diaperpt said:

Did you not understand the conflict and some of what was behind it, did you have solid hints but not admit that to yourself, or did you see fairly clearly then.

Not at all.  Hints and whatever were just written off, tbh.  We'll get into it a bit more in the future.  But when I was 18, writing this part of the story, I still thought I was a boy.  So... expect some bias.

[Sophie ♥]

After a lot of miscellaneous questioning over the course of a few days, the boy I called my role model and the girl that introduced us had decided I was hardly a boy, aside from my physical nature.  The boy, who by now I was eager to please, instructed me to buy a skirt at the store the next day.  I did as I was told, selecting an extra-large pink skirt from the juniors rack.

I returned home, logged online, and waited for the boy I called my role model to sign on.  He told me to find my most feminine shirt as well as a pair of briefs and lay them on my bed.  My most feminine shirt was a plain white t-shirt, tighter than my other shirts with shorter sleeves.  The briefs were harder to find, since I hadn’t worn any since I was ten.  I also located two black hair ties from the bathroom, although he didn’t tell me I needed them.

I was anxious.  I knew he wanted me to dress in the clothing I had put on my bed as well as the skirt that was still in the shopping bag, and I couldn’t help but protest in my head that I was a boy.  However, when I received the instruction, my doubts subsided.

Now, fully dressed in girls’ clothing, I returned to my computer for more questioning.  He first asked what I had on.  It was difficult to say, but I choked out everything, including the pigtails I put in my hair with the hair ties.  He said my enthusiasm to add accessories said a lot.

He then asked how I felt.  I answered honestly, telling him how it was a strange feeling, and although I didn’t entirely dislike it, I felt awkward and foolish.

He then asked if I felt like a girl.  I said no.  I felt like a boy in girls’ clothes.  He asked why; what made me different from a girl.  I said the tightness of my underwear, since they were two sizes too small, kept me aware of my male physiology, but of course I said it in a way a fourteen year old would.

He told me to put a diaper on instead of the briefs I was wearing, and after a slight protest and a deep blush, I agreed.  I did as I was told and returned to the computer.

“How do you feel now?”  Much better.  I wasn’t a boy in girls’ clothes anymore.

After that moment, he called me his little sister.  I felt clarity.

Annotations by:
Sophie

[Sophie ♥]

I'm gonna try to post these a little earlier in the day instead of at like... 2am. >_<  So expect another one soon.

[Sophie ♥]

Do you remember my female best friend who I had a crush on, and do you remember the only boy in my middle school funnier than me?  Come ninth grade, high school started poorly because the two of them began dating.  You can’t imagine how I felt.

One night, the girl that was my best friend started talking to me online.  She asked me how my Saturday was and I responded casually and returned the question.  She said, not in these words, that the only boy funnier than me had taken her to the movies.  I changed the subject.

Four days later she told me that they had kissed at the movies.  I asked her why she didn’t tell me and she said I showed no interest in her date.  I apologized without admitting my jealousy of her boyfriend.

Months passed and the girl that was my best friend soon became jealous of another girl that the boy that was funnier than me happened to pay more attention to.  I told her there was no reason to worry, although that was a lie.  I didn’t trust the boy to keep the girl that was my best friend happy.

Eventually, after a few months, he broke up with her and a few weeks later dated the girl that the girl that was my best friend was jealous over.  Needless to say, she was very upset.  I comforted her, but it wasn’t for a few more months that I confessed how much I liked her.  

She was the first girl I could really see a future with.  Everything she said or did was so extraordinary to me.  She would always laugh at my jokes or play along with one of my rants or make little side comments that I couldn’t help but smile at.  Even when she was upset, I could read when something was wrong so plainly and I knew exactly how to make things better.

I confided in her my childish and feminine side, and she understood.  It was very much like her to understand everything and encourage me to be myself.  She didn’t participate, but that would never be reason enough for me to break up with her.  She was too wonderful.  Once, when I lost my pacifier, she bought me ring pops to suck on before bed until she could find time to take me shopping for a new one.  I doubt anyone sweeter than her exists.

She was my perfect girlfriend, and we never even kissed.

Annotations by:
Sophie

[Wannatripbaby]

Awwwwwww, teen love is so sweet and pure... sometimes. XD

[diaperpt]

20 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

I wasn’t a boy in girls’ clothes anymore.

After that moment, he called me his little sister.  I felt clarity.

And yet, because the rest of society said you were a boy, you couldn't handle that clarity the same way you could have otherwise. And your female best friend who you had a crush on seems to have had a bit of clarity too. I'm curious why you never kissed. 

[Sophie ♥]

22 hours ago, diaperpt said:

I'm curious why you never kissed. 

All in good time.

I'm not doing great at this "posting chapters early" thing. >_<