Felling Deppresed

[Guest padded_husky87]

Well I havent been on this website for long and so far all of my posts are a little depressing so far, as I go back re read my posts. I want to first apologize to anyone who reads my posts and is sick of the... well the sad things I post about or least I feel they are. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I feel pathetic and down on myself for the fact that I like diaapers. I was reading one of the stories on daily diapers and one of them made me really sad. It was a story about a boy who moved in with his girlfriend and her mother. His girlfriend wanted control and used baby punishment as a way to comteol him. After he becomes completely helpless she leaves him. It mad me depressed and although I dont really see myself as an ad but I could get Into It. But after reading this story I just realized how much I hate the fact that I like diapers and find myself just... I don't even know how to explain it. I went from smoking with no anxiety and enjoying my life with out diapers(even though the thought of wearing crossed my mind constantly) to getting bronchitis, quoting smoking, having enxiety, being put on medication for saratonin problem and giving in to my desires to wear diapers. I find myself feeling more relaxed In them and not so woried about things. So I decided to wear as much as posible( no one know my secret) to help me relax until I am back to my normal self. After that If I wanted to still wear occasionally...ect than whatever. I feel like I have been makeing progress as I am sure most of my problems is from my addiction to smokeing which I have done in 2 to 3 months know. I don't want to feel this way anymore and want to return to normal life but just don't feel like I can. I feel like I am pathetic for liking diapers and for even haveing thoughts of trying ab. I dont know what to do and just want to feel better. Is it possible that I am wearing to much? Are these feelings normal? I have been on vacation from work for the past 5 days so maybe that's the problem. I don't know what to do and could realy use a pick me up or some advice. I just wanna go back to my life but I feel like I can't. I don't wanna be on here everyday feeling sorry for myself and posting negative thoughts and posts. So far from the responses I have had (from the few posts I have made) I really appreciate everyone here more than you can imagine. I hope I don't sound crazy and don't want to be a bearded to anyone or myself for I feel tjat I am. Please help if possible. Thank u for listening and again I apologize if I bother others with my depresion because that is not who I am. I am normally happy and goofy. I generally have a god Outlook on life like the glass Is half full but lately I've Ben fealling like the glass is empty! I thought I anice relaxing vacation would help but it didn't. I don't even care anymore if my mom finds out at this point I just wanna get back to beimg me and being proid of me even though I have always been ashamed myself. It never reached this level before. Where Ifelt so depressed.

[hidden]

There isn't anything wrong with you!

Stories are just stories. Fiction. It would be evil to force someone to do something and then leave because of it. A link to the story in question would help.

AB isn't for everyone. It is possible you are DL. Try AB once or twice. If it doesn't feel right, you are not AB.

You could also be in a binge/purge cycle. Since you were wearing for 5 days straight, you were in the binge part. Now, it sounds like you are in the purge part of the cycle. Don't throw anything out. Just set them aside until you want to go back to them.

Age play is a way to help with stress by returning to a simpler time. Therapists use mental regression on patients all the time (though they don't do anything AB). AB is just an extension of that. Diapers solidify the fact you are embracing that simpler time.

There isn't anything wrong with wanting to wear diapers. As well as the above, diapers are a combination of watersports and bondage. Both of which are very common.

ABDL isn't exactly mainstream but a lot of the good stuff isn't! Chear up and put a diaper on! At least you are in a situation where you can wear anytime you want! Some of us aren't so lucky!

[Guest Baby-Toa]

i agree with hidden. not much i can add other then just don't throw it away or it'll cost way more in the long run.

[amp501]

Depressions a pain man. Try to keep your head up and socialize as much as possible. If you're in a troubled time, talk to people that you trust. Talk to people face to face and and see if they can help you sort your own problems out. We are social creatures, and respond best in social situations. You'd be surprised at how a different opinion, or perspective on a matter can make you see things in a different light, or make things that seem daunting feel like nothing more than a nuisance.

Also, feeling bad about diapers is a normal scenario, assuming diapers are associated with a fetish for you. Once the high wears off, people tend to feel odd, or outright bad about what they do. It's not that what you're doing is wrong, but rather that your social upbringing has dictated that what you've done is wrong.

See a professional about the anxiety issues. I'm not a professional, but it sounds like the smoking, and now diapers are a crutch to separate yourself from the anxiety.

best of luck man, depression sucks, talk to people.

[AndB]

Depression is a bitch. I know. What you need to do first and foremost is don't get rid of the things that make you happy. If smoking and wearing diapers help with that, then what's wrong with it? I would usually not encourage anyone to smoke (I quit 12 years ago, and I don't miss it), but it's hardly the worst thing you can do.

For me, I had to embrace the diaper side of me. About 7 years ago, I just decided that wanting diapers was part of who I am. Granted, it's not the best part or a part that I want to show everybody, but it is part of me. Not acknowledging it was like denying part of me, and that does not help with depression.

Forget what everybody else thinks. Only you can decide what is part of you and what isn't. But don't go denying yourself.

[curiositykilledthecat]

Depression sucks and hidden has hit most everything on the head.

[Guest padded_husky87]

Well I'm not really In the psition to wear anytime I want. I live with my mom and step dad and I just am very carefull. I used to care but since I have been so down and depressed I just font care anymore. I have been actually wearing 90 percent of the time for a bout a month. I obviously don't wear around my parents so there are a few times wear I didn't have them on. This Is something new for me. Although I have wanted to do so since I stop wetting the bed at the age 8 I have always enjoyed everysingle aspect or diapers. By the wat the story I read that just messed me up was the following if anyone is interested:

http://www.dailydiapers.com/content/stories/502.html

Know its only a story but up until I read that and others( which the others were fine) I reqlizee even though I know I am a dl, I realized that I can really se mysepf enjoying being treated like a baby not acting like one so much bit it would be kind or fun. Then qfter reqdint that last one I realized that I am screwed Ir I meet someone and really like uem becwuse the chanves of them accepting that part or me is slim to none. I mean if I cant even accept myself how the hell Is ayone else gonna excep me. I feel alone and I don't realy have anyone else In person that I can talk to about It. the only friends I have are people who work with. Even if there was someone I knew I am way to scared to ever talk to that person about it. I just feeal like a pathetic looser wierdo who deserves to just be left In a dark corner of a room and left to rot. When I do try to just injoy my time in diapers I just suddenly think wlwbout myself and what I was Injoyint and start hate myself. I think Why can't you just be normal? like this morning I woke up and could feel tje wetness of my diaper for I jad decided just go. I had one f the best sleeps of my life and Injoyed the bedding Inbetween my legs. Then after that I begin to realize that I dont deserve to be happy ane I am back to feeling depresed. I am so eick of thinking about every little detail of myself and worrying that I wish thw medication I'm on would just kick in. It takes 6 weeks to work. It's gotten to point that I am affraid to senf this post or any just because I am afraid someome will tqke me the wrong way or get sick of hearing about me being depressed and the next thong I know I am banned. This website is the wingpe most greatest thing to ever happen my life and for the first time In my life I feel likke I could say anything and be ok. Like I feem I can trust anyone hear. Maybe thats wrong I don't know. All I know is tjat It feels good to just let everything I feel out. Specially to someone that may understand. I try to thino of other peole who have it much worse than me hopping that I would realize that I would wnap out of It but... just feel like someone has just torn me apart. Well think you for reading if you do. I'm really trying to get a hold of myself and I just wish I could accept my self. I know If I dp that would solve alot of my problems but I just feel like... I don't think have anything else to really can say. Think you for allowing me to vejt cause it helps.

[amp501]

Use spell check man, it helps. also, break your paragraphs into thoughts. The wall of text is hard to decipher.

Serious answer:

Get out of your head about feeling like a loser. It sucks, but you will feel like a loser, or feel pathetic, unless you take that first step. You're depressed and you want that depression to go away. No one else will do that for you, and medications aren't guaranteed to work. You need take a step forward and change yourself.

What's your relationship like with your mom and step dad? Do you love them? Trust them? You may need to bring the situation to them if you want to get a handle on it. Yeah, a fetish looks weird to everyone, but its apart of you. If your parents have been generally understanding people, then sit down with them and talk about it. Start with the depression and work into the fetish if you feel you need to. Explain that you use it as an outlet for anxiety. If they care, they'll help you as best they can. Any caring parent would.

[Guest padded_husky87]

Sorry about the spelling problems and paragraphs, my computer fried and so. I have to use my phone. Luckily

I have my data phone. And also the link I put up was the wrong one, I dont know how they got mixed up. Jerks the story I didn't like:

http://www.dailydiapers.com/content/stories/536.html

[Dougie]

Ditto on talking to your parents for support. Start with the depression and what you feel like it's doing to you physically and emotionally. As a perent I would be devastated if my child did something rash because they were scared to talk to me about it. Most parents would be overwhelmingly eager to help if their children decided to talk openly about their problems. Parents that aren't don't deserve children.

Don't bring up the diapers unless they ask. That may be a part that they don't want or need to know about.

Talk to you parents now. The earlier you know they are there to love and help the earlier you will start to feel better. Close friends are also invaluable for talking.

Keep us posted.

[AndB]

I am screwed If I meet someone and really like them because the chances of them accepting that part or me is slim to none. I mean if I cant even accept myself how the hell Is anyone else gonna accept me?

You are partially correct. You need to start with accepting yourself, because it's hard to go into any meaningful relationship if you don't. However, you'll be surprised what people will accept. A lot of people will accept that you have this kink. Now you may not get them to "play," but you may be able to indulge yourself from time to time. Anybody that can't accept that it's part of you isn't the right person, because a diaper fetish is the sort of thing that rears its ugly head at the worst times.

As far as anti-depressants go: some of them work much faster than in 6 weeks. I know that I felt better hours after starting. Even if it does, what are you doing that's so important that you can't wait? The sooner you start the sooner it helps. If you wait another month, then it's just another month of feeling miserable.

[Guest padded_husky87]

I don't rally know that there is anything to say. I mean other than..." hey mom, I need to talk. I am depressed and am falling deeper and deeper. I hate whp I am and uate that I like to wear am wet diapers. Yes thats right I wet diapers. I injoy it but hat myself for It. So will you do me a solid and grab the bigest drill you have and send it through my head so I can let the misoury and hatred finally leave my head?" Well no matter I can't rell my fam ly cause my step dad will just look at me aw a freak which I don't blwm him. My mom will get depressed and think Its her fault. She just got over depression and all ready tried to cut herself once before tjey wouldmt let her leave the hospital for 2 days until they where sure she wouldnt harm herself. I can't go through with it again.

My real dad will just tell me that I need to pray and I will be better. I was raised In s few will Baptist church my whole life and so that should tell you about how the rest of my family will take It. I have been a good christian person up till know but find myself wondering If I truelly believe what a say or just was raised to beleive what I say. I read an artical that suggested that wearing diaapers was unclean and a sin. I never understood how something you can't control u pike can be a sin. Dontvget me started on other things involved with that subject.

My friends are out of the question because I really dont habe any. The only ones I habe are either in Iraq or are people I work with. There is only two people that I may be able to talk to who won't judge me to bwd and there is no way I can tell tjwm cause I am scared shitless to tell them. I don't even fewl like a man anymore. I feel like pathetic person who deserves to just rot away as my life passes by me.

I wake everu day for the last week as I am on vacation and first thing I do Is Injoy the wet diaper I have on from the night. I feel repudiated cause every night I sleep with a diaper I habe had the best sleep I have ever had. Then I shower put on a fresh diaper and go to the library and or bookstore and just sit tjere feeling sorry and down on myself and hateing myself more and more. I am afraid that I will go to far so I try to do studf to keep me occupied. I have been only depressedlike this since th last few days. The only time I am happy is when I go to bed or get a response from here because I Iether cant think about myself or least I feel like with a responce I'm not alone. And I onow that sounds childish I can't expect everyone to talk to me and help but I am enjoying what I can while I can before I go completely insane. Sorry if this is a mess and thinks for reading

[Diapers4Me]

Do you have health insurance? If so, talk to your doctor about your depression and get in to see a therapist. Find one you trust and confide in him/her. I always found it easier to talk to women, so mine was a her. Depression is a serious medical problem that you shouldn't take lightly. God isn't going to cure you just like he isn't going to help you win the lottery!

I agree with the one reply....YOU need to take this action. YOU need to decide to make a change. YOU need to seek help. Please seek help.....you are not alone!

[curiositykilledthecat]

I need a beer. Living with a six in one woman is quite stressful.

[Bettypooh]

Two thoughts for you You wondered "why can't I be normal?" Brace yourself for a big shock: You are normal Unusual, maybe, but absolutely normal One of the things I noticed about ABDL's is our openness We all admit this is odd, but it's not bad unless you make it that way- so don't make it that way Think about this: there are thousands of us and there are a lot more ABDL websites (just not as good as this one ) where others like us hang out. Yep, I'd say that being one of many thousands infers normality! But I'd still keep this on a need-to-know basis because a lot of people don't yet grasp the difference between common and normal and some have a hard time with uncommon

You also mentioned the time-frame for the meds to work. It was just in me head, but hours after starting mine I felt better because I knew we were working on the problem and were going to whip it somehow. The actual physical effect was like 10-14 days. Don't look at the length of time it might take, look at the fact that you're finally heading in the right direction with people helping you get there In the end it will be better. It took you awhile to get down and it will take time to get back up again. Forget the clock and the calender- look at this as a small slice of your lifetime and it will be easier to deal with. Dealing with depression means changing your outlook on things- look for the positives and try to avoid the negatives. That is one of my main defenses since I stopped meds and it's very effective because it removes the foundation for worse feelings at the source

Bettypooh

[Guest padded_husky87]

Well to keep you posted so you know I didst go and off myself( don't think I could ever put my family and friends through that and besides don't have the balls to do so) I went and had a talk with my mother today. I told her that I have been depressed lately and she said that she knows that she can tell. I started very slow int soke of the things tjat have been bothering me and she die thr best she could to answer how she felt about dome of them. But when I finally got to the point of telling her my main problem and telling uer my secret, I couldnt. I made up some bullshit story of how I don't feel like I have any direction that I feel like I caan Inioy anything do to me quiting smoking and ...ect. obviously she baught it even though that not all a lie.

I wanted to just come out with it so badly. I sat there even after our conversation was over and just wanted to jusy blut t out. Or I wanted to just go down stairs and put on a diaper and walk up to her at her computer desk. Just nothing but a diaper and a tshirt. Then tell her everything and hope that she would just hig me and tell me that everything was ok. That everyone has ther kinks and that it was our litle secret. I am pathetic. I just hate that I have to hide it. I thnk If I could come out eith it to my mom that maybe I would be happy with who I am. It's not even ad much of a sexually thing as it Is a mental enjoyment. I want to do nothing more but explain that wearing diapers was my way of releasing stress and worie and forgetting all of things in my life. Typing it know I think to myself what's so bad about that? It's not like I am a flashed or a rapist or a pedafile. Its not like I go from fsrm to farm raping chickens. Why do I feel so wrong and bad. I just wanna ecept myself and I think if I told my mom and she accepted me that I could.

I know now why I had such a bad reaction to that story. In the story Tyler looses everything. his dignity and his manhood, his humility and his life was passing him by. Then his girl friend goes out with others I'm front of him and them leaves him ay the end for something she did to him. And made realize tjat aome of those things was how I feel about myself. It really messed me up. I know that ite just a story but Teresa always a litter bit pf truth In everything.

I know now what I want. I want tobe happy with who I am. I want to love myself. I don't want let my life pass me by anymore. I don't want to tey to change myself but Chang how I feel about myself. It's sounds so easy but why is that so hard. That's why I think it would help me if I told someone like mom or anyone at this matter. More my mother. I know she would keep It our secret. I mean ehe hhas told me things that no one else knows. Decisions that still haunt her to this day. Why can't I tell her one tiny thing.

So my questioned are this:

For those who have been in the same situation as me, how for you learn to accept and love yourself for who you are?

Did you tell someone, and if so did tjwt help you accept youself? Do you think that helped?

Also dl you think I need to see a psychiatrist? Don you see one to help?

I juet dont know what else to do I don't want to feel like tjis anymore.

Thinks again for putting up with my drama queen bullshit posts and I apreciate everyone for being there to give me advice.

[amp501]

I juet dont know what else to do I don't want to feel like tjis anymore.

Seek help. Seriously, seek professional help, talk to your parents or something. Complaining about it on a message board will not solve anything.

[erevu]

I had a love/hate relationship with diapers though my teen years. I would buy some when the attraction was strong, and throw them out when the repulsion was strong. It took a few of these cycles before I recognized the pattern, and I broke it by accepting diapers as a part of me. My family knew, I had told them all at one point or another. My dad and brother fought against it, which is ironic, because they're probably the most accepting of it now. In any case, telling others didn't really seem to help my acceptance. What helped acceptance most of all I think was surrender. I would use diapers when I felt like it, and leave them in storage when I didn't. In fact, I found that having the diapers available lessened the desire to use them. Also it helped a great deal to know there were others like me, which I discovered later in my teen years.

I did see a psychiatrist as a matter of fact.. my dad had me go to one. I believe he was fearful that it was related to pedophilia. I was very upset that I was being made to share this part of me with a stranger. The only thing that this whole fiasco accomplished was solidifying my loathing of psychiatry. It only went on a few sessions before I told my dad in no uncertain terms that he was wasting his money. His fears did not play out and he has been accepting of it for years now.

The only thing to acceptance is the act of acceptance. I don't know what specifically disgusts you... whether it's the using of the diapers or the idea that adults shouldn't wear diapers. My best advice is to surrender to diapers. There's nothing immoral about doing so. It's only socially unacceptable, but so what. Don't press them on others and enjoy them as you will. In time you'll have no problem between you and diapers.

[erevu]

I thought about it a bit more, and I think I was wrong. Telling my family was a net positive. I think my initial impression was negative because it was a painful experience to work through, and it didn't accomplish whatever my adolescent mind was hoping for, which I believe was somehow moving closer to how it was when I was a toddler.

What it did ultimately accomplish, however, was fostering their awareness, understanding, and acceptance in the sense that they don't treat me differently. My diapers sit out on a shelf in my closet, which I usually don't bother to close. If they see them, their reaction is to shrug their shoulders, as they know of it and understand that it's harmless. If I receive a shipment and they happen to open it, they have no questions. They just put it in my room for me. I have no anxiety about my diapers.

I don't wear diapers in front of them simply because I believe it would be rude to do that to someone who can't relate. Realize that there's a difference between academic understanding and deep understanding. Don't expect deep understanding from anyone who isn't an ABDL. They simply don't have the point of reference for that kind of understanding.

[sarah_ab]

www.suicidehotlines.com/ohio has a listing of hotlines for your local area.. if you call they can refer you to places that offer free counseling and/or discounted counseling for people without insurance... CALL NOW! they are available 24/7/365

http://www.suicide.org/support-groups/ohio-suicide-support-groups.html

a list of local groups

[Bettypooh]

So my questioned are this:

For those who have been in the same situation as me, how for you learn to accept and love yourself for who you are?

Did you tell someone, and if so did tjwt help you accept youself? Do you think that helped?

Also dl you think I need to see a psychiatrist? Don you see one to help?

I juet dont know what else to do I don't want to feel like tjis anymore.

Thinks again for putting up with my drama queen bullshit posts and I apreciate everyone for being there to give me advice.

Last first don't sweat it- we're here to help and be your friend (well most of us anyway, but that's another topic). Most of us have gone through similar issues at some point so we can relate

So far I have told nobody in RL about my being a DL, my wearing, or my frequenting this website. In my life there is no real need for me to do that, so I don't If the need to reveal or getting revealed arises then I'll handle it and go on with my life whatever the result of that is I felt similar feelings when I came out as TG which made handling my later discovery that I am a DL easier to cope with. In being TG my coming out allowed me to be myself and lose the fear that someone would see me dressed as a girl and cause problems In that case it was something plainly visible so hiding was not an option. In this case it hides well so there is no need to worry And even if my pants were to disappear in public, there is nothing wrong with wearing diapers so other than embarrassment over my modesty, I wouldn't let it bug me.

Having said all that, if you can't get over a problem- any problem- then get help with the solution Most of the time speaking with a friend or two gets you solutions. Sometimes it takes someone closer. And sometimes you need professional help to gain the solution you need. In your case right now there's no big problem outside of your personal feelings- nobody knows and nobody needs to know! If you can, just keep thinking of it like that and after awhile the pressure you feel will subside. Time is a great healer Don't let the issue take over your life- wearing diapers is important to us but it's really just a small part of who we are so keep it in perspective; it will overwhelm you if you don't And if need be then speak with a therapist. They will help you find your way through things when the path isn't clear to you. Most people could benefit from seeing a therapist anyway because people are not as 'normal' as they'd like to believe they are and it would do them (and the rest of the world) good for them to understand that

Bettypooh

[Guest padded_husky87]

Well I went out with some friends tonight because a good friend of mine is moving back to cincinati. She was someone I worked with. Her boyfriend with is an even better friend of mine who I have known even longer is going on tour its Iraq for 4 months so she is moveing back with her parents while he Is gone. He leaves in January but has a bunch of stuff he has to do before hand so he is gonna be gone here shortly all the way through april.

So we had a litle get together because we probebly won't get that chance agwin. There was others by the way. I thought this was good cause I figured it would break the monotony of how I have been feeling lately. Well aperamtly I woas an empty shell and and they could tell something was wrong. I just told them that I have been depressed lately and was just still getimg through it but tat I would be fine. The hardest thing on the ehope world is the feeling that you have onow one to back you up. Know one to go to when you feel like I do. Now I know that I have this forum Nd believe me I appreciate it. You guys help and the fact that I haven't had someone complain makes me feel like things aren't wo bad after all. As a quick side note I am kind of woried that because I am so depressed and other things that I'm gonna be banned from here. That would be so bad. I would be so uoset cause you guys do help. but I hate the fact that I dont have someone to go to, someone In person that when I feel this way they can tell me everything will be alright. Someone that I can tell about my kinks and just have someone tjere yo maor me feel better. It makes me feel alone. I tried to tell my mom little about my depression with out going Into detail but she told me that I need a girl friend. That makes me feel worse for she also has know I'dea that I am also sexually confused. I don't know what I am and because of all of my insacurities the fact I don't respect myself it OS hard to even think about trying.

So I think I really need to see a psychiatrist because obviuosely I don't feel like I have anyone. Of course a psychiatrist isn't gonna hold me in there arms and tell me everything will be alright but atleadt they can help me some self love and obviously help me accept myself and... Ect.

When I was out with my friends, one of tjem told me that there 2 types of psychiatrists. One can subscribe need and the otjer can't. He told me to see th one that cant cause they may be more there to help you figure out your problem. So what do you think? I dont want tokust see one and they just give me crazy pills to mask the pain and send me on my way. I dont mind med if it welp me relax and find that out or that well help little. Also I do I go about seeing someone? How can I find tje right person and does tjt matter? I would ask my docter bit I ow him 350 bucks. I have 3 dollars to my name and

Although I have health insurance through blue shield they wont do anything until I have spent 2500 dollars out of pocket. If I am asking to much I appologize. I am not teying to have everyone else solve my problems for me and I'm not trying to be inconsiderate. I just wish I have someone to tell me things will be all better.....

On a positive note to kind of break the ice a little because I can't get really good diapers like abri or bambinos due to tje fact I have now where to have them shiped I have discovered that depends maximum protection with 3 booster pads perfectly aligned to cover the diaper back to front is awesome!

They are so thick that Its hard to touch my knees together. Great for bed time for I wet like a monsoon and generally make 3 to 4 trips to the bsthroom. So I can stand up release and go back to bed not really completely come out of sleep just enough to take care of business and not leek at all. And just when I think they csnt get anybetter. Just wait till they swell!!!!!! If you can't tell I habent completely lost it yet, although I think have had a couple of close calls.

And as always think you again for hearing me and giving me sdvice instead just brushing me off your shoulders. I started out with this post really upset but now feel w little better!

[sarah_ab]

if you are looking for someone to talk to, a psychiatrist is not it... they are mostly for medication management and often after the initial visit will only see you for 15 minute increments, what you want is a lcsw (lisenced clinical social worker) your primary care phycisian can give you a referral, or your insurance can give you a list of providers as well. I would recommend googling the names, and when you have it narrowed down, call them and 1. ask if they are taking new patients and 2. ask if they specialize in depression... not all therapist specialize in all areas....

[Guest padded_husky87]

Well I think I'm starting to slowly loose It. I'm at s point tjat I just don't care anymore. But why I keep posting about my depression I have no Idea. Yesterday I sent a message to someone that for some reason made feel a lot better even though It didnt last. there was something that I had to tell someone and I just decided that that person was the only person I could tell.

My depression kind of shifts back and forth. Like right now as I type Im just emotionless. I don't care about anything but I feel ok. Yesterday night on the other hand I lost little control. I came home from work and just was in a horribly mood. I just didn't know what to with myself. I remembered that a year ago I began to wonder why my life went the way It did. Why I felt I wad not where I wanted be and I userid think that I would never get to tjat point. I used to thinl about rhe I'dea tjat my life was ment too be short. that mYbe it wad better for someone else In the long run. I ever truelly believed that but a few times and last night I really thought abput it. Have you ever thought to yourself that you feel like it was coming to an end soon? I her felt that way a few times. Now I dont know if I'm suicidal but yesterday I was reckless. I acted impolsively. I overrated my account for a soda knowing I had some at home. I didn't care ane still dont.

I thought to myself what It must have felt like to feelsuicidal and wonder what people get out of causeing pain to themselves. I actually decided to try it last night and graded a kitchen knife. Gently pushed it against my ARM but wad to scared to go sny farther. My heart raced. Instead I grabed the best thing I culled think of that I knew I would do actually harm but could get an idea of something. I graded s toothpick. Lol how funny is it that I wad to scared do really do anthing so I grab a toothpick? Thinking back now I wonder what the hell was I thinking?

So I just scrap the point of the toothpick against my ARM hard enough to almost draw blood but never really any. Just left a couple good marks and laid there. I honestly can say I the burning sensation felt good. Kind of w better pace then normal. I don't think I will ever do anything. Anymore like that or worse but I was scared of myseltf earlier. the crazy thing is I kind of liked feeling out of control. What's my problem. I don't care anymore about much I just feel like I'm goimh through the emotions of things. I wanna talk to womeonje but I know habe no money til Thursday and I pe prey to my physician. All my csrds are maxed amd my account is most likely gonna overdraft pretty bad. I habe Insurance but they wont pay for shot till I spend or owe 2500 bucks. I can't seem to tet myself to reslly do aything. I just feel like all I can do I just watch. Think you for reading and I apologize for myself. I AK pathetic rigut now and hopefully I caan pull out of this whole I am in.

[Bettypooh]

Well I think I'm starting to slowly loose It. I'm at s point tjat I just don't care anymore. But why I keep posting about my depression I have no Idea. Yesterday I sent a message to someone that for some reason made feel a lot better even though It didnt last. there was something that I had to tell someone and I just decided that that person was the only person I could tell.

My depression kind of shifts back and forth. Like right now as I type Im just emotionless. I don't care about anything but I feel ok. Yesterday night on the other hand I lost little control. I came home from work and just was in a horribly mood. I just didn't know what to with myself. I remembered that a year ago I began to wonder why my life went the way It did. Why I felt I wad not where I wanted be and I userid think that I would never get to tjat point. I used to thinl about rhe I'dea tjat my life was ment too be short. that mYbe it wad better for someone else In the long run. I ever truelly believed that but a few times and last night I really thought abput it. Have you ever thought to yourself that you feel like it was coming to an end soon? I her felt that way a few times. Now I dont know if I'm suicidal but yesterday I was reckless. I acted impolsively. I overrated my account for a soda knowing I had some at home. I didn't care ane still dont.

I thought to myself what It must have felt like to feelsuicidal and wonder what people get out of causeing pain to themselves. I actually decided to try it last night and graded a kitchen knife. Gently pushed it against my ARM but wad to scared to go sny farther. My heart raced. Instead I grabed the best thing I culled think of that I knew I would do actually harm but could get an idea of something. I graded s toothpick. Lol how funny is it that I wad to scared do really do anthing so I grab a toothpick? Thinking back now I wonder what the hell was I thinking?

So I just scrap the point of the toothpick against my ARM hard enough to almost draw blood but never really any. Just left a couple good marks and laid there. I honestly can say I the burning sensation felt good. Kind of w better pace then normal. I don't think I will ever do anything. Anymore like that or worse but I was scared of myseltf earlier. the crazy thing is I kind of liked feeling out of control. What's my problem. I don't care anymore about much I just feel like I'm goimh through the emotions of things. I wanna talk to womeonje but I know habe no money til Thursday and I pe prey to my physician. All my csrds are maxed amd my account is most likely gonna overdraft pretty bad. I habe Insurance but they wont pay for shot till I spend or owe 2500 bucks. I can't seem to tet myself to reslly do aything. I just feel like all I can do I just watch. Think you for reading and I apologize for myself. I AK pathetic rigut now and hopefully I caan pull out of this whole I am in.

You really need to see a therapist IMHO. You don't have to begin by spilling your heart out, but you ought to discuss your feeling depressed and what to do about it Many larger cities have a free or low cost mental health program available; not always the best people but a start anyway. You need that start ASAP; things aren't going to get any better until you take an active role in making them better And if you find, like many of us here have, that you have clinical depression then treatment can begin and life will improve for you. You aren't meant to deal with all your problems all by yourself- humans are social creatures for a reason. We need each other and that's how it was meant to be so share your burden and lighten your load And when you don't know which way to turn find someone who can help you get back on the right path again. I'm here today only because of a therapist- were it not for her I wouldn't have made it through the quagmire that my life was 7 years ago Life isn't perfect for me but at least it's livable and I'm happy enough to keep on going

Bettypooh