Do You Believe In Choice?

[willow]

So,

The girlfriend is having a fairly hard time understanding my DL side. I daren't even go near the AB stuff which thankfully isn't all that prevalent.

She gets so very upset when I decide to go home to 'do my thing' as she believes that I'm making a conscious choice picking diapers over her.

She'd like me to get some help to quit, kind of like her quitting smoking. I've tried to point out that this is wired in harder than cigarettes and it's twisted into my sexual psyche also. I've pointed out that unless I can forget how good it feels and how freeing it makes me feel, I'd never even want to quit. She seems to think that sounds like an addict. I said it sounds like every gay person in history who's been asked to play straight. She doesn't see the connection...

So the question, finally, is this. Is this a part of who we are, to not do so to suffer in eternal denial just to please those around us or, is this an addiction which floods us with reassuring dopamine like all the others and, with lots of hard work and dedication can be beaten?

Should I even want to beat this, because honestly I'm happy the way I am...?

[Teddy Bear Brian]

So,

The girlfriend is having a fairly hard time understanding my DL side. I daren't even go near the AB stuff which thankfully isn't all that prevalent.

She gets so very upset when I decide to go home to 'do my thing' as she believes that I'm making a conscious choice picking diapers over her.

She'd like me to get some help to quit, kind of like her quitting smoking. I've tried to point out that this is wired in harder than cigarettes and it's twisted into my sexual psyche also. I've pointed out that unless I can forget how good it feels and how freeing it makes me feel, I'd never even want to quit. She seems to think that sounds like an addict. I said it sounds like every gay person in history who's been asked to play straight. She doesn't see the connection...

So the question, finally, is this. Is this a part of who we are, to not do so to suffer in eternal denial just to please those around us or, is this an addiction which floods us with reassuring dopamine like all the others and, with lots of hard work and dedication can be beaten?

Should I even want to beat this, because honestly I'm happy the way I am...?

Our you happy the way you are with out her? If so then you have your answer I think. If not its much harder. I think this is pretty hard wired in. I have had lots of reasons for giving it up and even tried but was never successful. I think if you continue in a relationship with someone that doesn't accept it then it will end up tearing you up inside. Although to be fair you won't find successful quitters here as they won't be hanging around the sites still. Maybe those of us here that have tried are just the failures and many people have got past it. I don't really believe that though (maybe I don't want to).

[dave_the_baby]

So the question, finally, is this. Is this a part of who we are, to not do so to suffer in eternal denial just to please those around us or, is this an addiction which floods us with reassuring dopamine like all the others and, with lots of hard work and dedication can be beaten?

Should I even want to beat this, because honestly I'm happy the way I am...?

The answer to your second question is obvious- if you are happy, you should not want to beat it. If you want to beat something that you personally enjoy, this is a sign of mental dysfunction.

My answer to your first question is a little more complicated...in a way, it is both an addiction, and a part of who you are. I do not know if this fetish is nature or nurture, but either way, it has become a part of you. I have seen many trends that leave me to believe that this fetish is nurture, as many people here seem to have a childhood in diapers.

You can technically "beat" your fetish, but that also involves beating your emotions, beating yourself...by making wounds to eternally surpress the fetish.

As far as I can see, you already know the answer to your question, and just want some reassurance. I hear ya, man.

EDIT: Oh, yeah...keep your girlfriend in mind here, too. She's just as confused as you.

[leafy kille]

whats to beat? its fun isnt it? ffs you only live once, if you dont enjoy it what is the point? its not as tho its bad for you like cigaretes!

much as i dont agree with your girlfriends assesment of the situation i can see where she is comeing from and could see why she would view it as something similar to cigaretes, bit nappies dont transfer artificial chemicals into your boddy (nicotine being the adictive one).

personaly i would place them alongside some computer games, they are a very consumeing passtime, altho not enjoyed (or even understood) by everyone.

[tris]

She shouldn't make you choose. I say the two of you should split the ~$150/hr for a real psych/shrink so that you can sit down and have someone with credentials tell you that what's going on inside your head is perfectly OK, and isn't an addiction. Then afterward, you can do the "I tolja so dance". If you do this, I promise it will be the best money you'll have spent all year.

[TheMagicDragon]

Dear Willow,

My name's Glenn. I'm a married DL. I've been where you might be going so I'm going to add my experience here. As others have pointed out, you already know the answers but the questions aren't easy ones to answer. So here goes.

I'm 47 and happily married to my third wife. She isn't a DL or anything. She IS, however, very tolerant and accepting of others. THIS is something that, after two failed marriages, I learned was more valuable to my personal happiness than other more material traits. True beauty, after all, isn't skin deep - is permeates one's being. She has this rare trait so I just knew deep down, when I first met her, that I could be happy with her. And I am. I came out to her about my fetishes after dating for a few years. At that time we were seriously considering getting engaged so knew that I HAD to tell her about my deepest, darkest issues. After all, my first two wives never even had a clue what I am into. And they made me miserable over mundane stuff, ANYHOW. I went with my instincts and, although it was indeed difficult, I found that I was more afraid of telling her than she was of learning to deal with my unusual likes. We've adapted and I'm ever so happy, this time around the block. Nuff said.

Seems you have done the same with your girlfriend. You've done the right thing by telling her about the DL trait and I commend you for trusting your instincts and doing the right thing. Thats way more advanced than I was at your age (30's, marriage two). See, you have to learn much more about your girlfriend/ partner since, once you're married or living together, both of you cannot and will not be living for yourselves anymore. You will be living for each other. So you each have to communicate NOW no matter how hard that may be and no matter what goes right or goes wrong with your future together. If you can't talk about everything now, there is no future together.

Often this is why one or both partners throw in the towel. It usually is something way more basic than a mere fetish that causes marital disharmony. Usually its something that neither party can get past or let go. Like relationship expectations, sexual relations and financial obligations. Not which way the toilet paper rolls out and not which diaper you prefer over all the others. If your partner seems to take issue with your DL fetish it may be because she sees your love for diapers as competing agains her. And she may be afraid that you would prefer this over her. How can she be expected to compete with that?

I had help getting this this understanding of the percieved, often real competition between a fetish of one partner and the sexual needs of the other. It's not her fetish, dude. She wants someone who will really really want her and cherish her.

Only you can speak with her about this issue and tell her how you plan to handle it. You need to reassure her that you will always love her and cherish her, over any other women and/or over anything such as a paraphilia such as the love of diapers. She wants to be the object of your love. You have your DL needs just as most of us here do. I'm sure that the women in here would tell you the same thing. Love is something precious and it's something we don't create by ourselves. Talk to your lady friend about it and discuss together whether, and "how" you can handle it successfully. It can be done, but only with communication.

If its going to work, you might already know it instinctually. Either way, you still have to deal with it together. After all, she IS your girlfriend. And this is your decision. I wish you happiness in your future path.

Peace, Glenndl

[tris]

Wow, Glenn, good post!

Guys, your most basic (and most valuable!) asset in ANY relationship is communication. The first hurdle will always be the hardest; communicating your needs to your partner is that hurdle. How you approach, takeoff, grace, and land your hurdle (stay with me!) is the individual challenge. Only you can be the judge of how to best apply your abilities to each, as they come.

Heed Mr Glenn's advice here, y'all -- Once the time is right to 'let them in' on what you like, it's a small step further to tell them just how you'd like them to participate. After all -- how much would you love the one person who can truly satisfy you? Use words that help them understand the bond that can be created (and significantly maintained!) by sharing in something unique and special.

I think sometimes we all get too wrapped up in doing this by ourselves that we ignore just how easy it really is to share with someone and make TWO people happy instead of just one.

[Angela Bauer]

Considering there has been absolutely no peer-reviewed scientific research into fetish or any related diaper behavior, it is not possible to say if choice is involved.

Despite the lack of research currently the mainstream mental health profession assumes that infantilism starts with some innocent act before a child has specific memory, probably during the first 6 months. Probably everyone has such an experience. The mystery is why infantilism is so rare.

From a treatment standpoint it seems that infantilism is a lifetime condition. The practical management is to help the infantilist learn to act-out using common sense. Attempts to take away the diapers (or other infantilist material fetish) will result in substitution of a far more dangerous behavior. That is unethical.

Should infantilism become Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder then that OCD must be treated.

[Jen Harris]

Considering there has been absolutely no peer-reviewed scientific research into fetish or any related diaper behavior, it is not possible to say if choice is involved.

Despite the lack of research currently the mainstream mental health profession assumes that infantilism starts with some innocent act before a child has specific memory, probably during the first 6 months. Probably everyone has such an experience. The mystery is why infantilism is so rare.

From a treatment standpoint it seems that infantilism is a lifetime condition. The practical management is to help the infantilist learn to act-out using common sense. Attempts to take away the diapers (or other infantilist material fetish) will result in substitution of a far more dangerous behavior. That is unethical.

Should infantilism become Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder then that OCD must be treated.

I recall there being some clockwork-orange type of solutions with regard to fetish behavior, where the negative stimuli are associated with the fetish, but the results were... not very good, not unlike the movie; it cured the specific problem but had side effects.

I would say that the fetish chose me, but one's decision to wear diapers, much as with any sexual activity, is one's own. You don't need to have any fetishes or kinks to act out your sexuality in inappropriate ways, or to feel a desire to do so. On the other hand, I don't think it's healthy to deny your desires. Having no sexual outlets is a bad idea, but sleeping with anyone who will have you is a bad idea too - that's my thinking. And it goes for diapers too; insisting on being a baby all the time isn't healthy, but trying to pretend like you don't have a diaper interest definitely won't work. Better to be comfortable with it than binge and purge, either physically or mentally.

[sarah_ab]

First off sorry to hear of your situation.

Now on to more important things. If you are indeed 'choosing' diapers over your girlfriend, in the sense that you would rather spend all your time home wearing diapers, and no time with her doing other things, then perhaps it is a problem, but if you are simply choosing to spend some time alone, doing things you enjoy, i see nothing wrong with that. In order for a relationship to really work i think it is important people have their own interests and spend time alone pursuing those interestes separate from their SO.

What i do see is wrong is your girlfriend trying to guilt you into stopping something you enjoy. Diapers, like ANYTHING can become addiction psychologically. There are many people who obsess over wearing diapers, thinking about diapers, touching diapers, talking about diapers, to the point that it interferes with their ability to function in everyday life, or they cannot separate their diaper wearing enjoyment from other social activities and settings.

Do we chose to wear diapers, of course we do, in the most basic of sense, just like we chose what color shirt to wear, or what to eat for dinner. Its all a choice to put the diaper on, however if you are asking whether we 'choose' to like wearing diapers, i dont personally think so.

I liken it to any other thing we like or dislike in life. How many of us make a conscious decision to like pizza, or to like a certain tv show or song? Usually its just a firing of neurons in our brain that produces a pleasant physical sensastion.

There is nothing that says your girlfriend has to like or enjoy all the same things that you like or enjoy, and you dont have to like or enjoy all the things your girlfriend does, but to make a relationship work, both people need to respect the difference in their partner, and encourage them to engage in behaviors the other person enjoys (barring the obvious self harming behaviors.)

[Bettypooh]

So the question, finally, is this. Is this a part of who we are, to not do so to suffer in eternal denial just to please those around us or, is this an addiction which floods us with reassuring dopamine like all the others and, with lots of hard work and dedication can be beaten?

Yes, this is a part of who and what we are- and there's nothing inherently wrong with it Where problems come in are when we do wrong things to appease our desire(such as stealing diapers, downloading porn, regularly lying to the ones who trust us, stc) and when others don't understand the preceding I've done nearly every drug, went religious, meditated, been on something of a 'walkabout', and nothing- nothing - comes close to doing what wearing diapers do for me There is a peaceful happiness like I find in nothing else when I'm diapered

Should I even want to beat this, because honestly I'm happy the way I am...?

Nobody can tell you what you should or should not do in regards to your happiness. Maybe something else would make a deep self-sacrifice worth doing and maybe not- only you can decide that. But if you do decide to try to quit don't get depressed if you find that you can't- that's the usual story for all of us Be prepared for any eventuality and you'll be able to handle any outcome

You mentioned "choice" and that's been spoken of a lot already but here's an angle that I have never seen discussed. I think that all of us had a choice about this- and please note the word "had" before replying. I thing we could have avoided the 'addiction' before we took the first step into this, but I also believe that once you go through some 'doors of life' there's no going back Diapers were always a fascination for me but I could avoid wearing them until I wore one because I didn't want to risk becoming "hooked" on them Now that I've taken that step I know there's no stopping for me- I'm hooked more or less happily Like having sex, once you try it there's no going back- it will be there inside of you requiring an outlet of some kind thereafter, and about all you can do is try to choose the correct 'outlet' for yourself. It may be different than what most people need but that's how life is supposed to be

Bettypooh

[Eagle0769]

WOW Glenn that WAS a great post. C o m m u n i c a t i o n! Is the name of a relationship.

On another post. To see a shrink (sorry theopist) will only tell you about why we do the things we do. I know. I went to see one and she told me it was my mothers fault.

Baby Jay NY

[babybuhbu25]

To me, it is an addiction which is hard to drop entirely but can be contained. I have worn on and off since I was 7 (22 years), I can't believe it's been that long. I only wear about twice a month, and sometimes that is when I am home alone. My wife has and will change me when I ask, but I still don't think she's totally into it. I've been working on her for almost ten years now, so someday I'll get to the point where she'll do what I want (I hope). Just give it time and don't be too demanding and it'll work out for you.

[willow]

Thanks to all who took the time to read and reply.

The post I originally made was actually pretty reflective, if I have a choice I've made it and I'm comfortable with it, but I was really curious how others see things.

A little background on me if you care.

I'm 34, divorced with a young daughter who I care for 50% of the time. Diapers were not a secret in the first marriage, on my birthday I'd even get a change. For the most part they were tolerated and the 'balance' was generally maintained. Of course when the divorce came up she threw the issue at me in court which was very painful, but it didn't get her anywhere and I moved on.

A while later I meet a nice girl and after a few months we realize we're in love and that means it's only fair to let her know early what she's getting herself into. Her jaw pretty much hit the floor, but as long as she can stick her head in the sand she pretty much ignores it. I have no real wishes to dangle diapers in front of her, to me it's a fairly solitary pursuit, I insist on being discrete and not letting the 'balance' get off kilter. At the same time I'm not going to live a lie and I'm not going to deny what I am.

This means that I generally politely excuse myself and go home if I feel the need to, and if she asks me why and I ask her back if she really wants to know, then I respond that she really doesn't.

She gets upset because I ask her to call before she comes over for her own good. She gets upset because she thinks diapers are more important than she is. She gets upset because she thinks it's strange and can't understand why I won't go and get 'help'. At the same time she's a smart cookie and can rationalize things, but I guess from the outside looking in it's got to be confusing.

I'd love to communicate about it, but she really doesn't like talking about it much. She's getting more verbose, but her head is still in the sand. I'm going to go to the shrink anyhow. I'll spend an hour sitting there telling her that I'm perfectly happy, I'm attending because someone else isn't and get my expensive advise and go home and relay the message. Some things just have to be gone through.

All in all, I'm a pretty happy DL kind of guy, who doesn't really need or want a DL partner, just someone I can be honest with, and I've got it. It's just every now and then a curve ball comes around and that's why I asked my question.

Thanks again.

[PampersPete]

I've said it before and I'll say it again....dump the bitch!

[Yvhuce]

To be fair, it does sound a bit like you're blowing her off in favor of the diapers. The fact that she's even still with you, coupled with the fact that she wants to try to "cure this problem" instead of getting disgusted and walking out on you for good would seem to indicate that she also wants the relationship to work out. I'd advise you to stop acting like a jerk and let her see you in diapers more. Show her that it doesn't have to be an either/or situation. How would you feel if she had a fetish and refused to allow you near her whenever she indulged in it? Sounds an awful lot like cheating, doesn't it?

[Markley]

I've said it before and I'll say it again....dump the bitch!

Why should he dump her for finding it hard to understand such a desire?

She may not have ever heard of an adult who loves wearing diapers, and if she has never been introduced to such a thing, of course it's going to be hard to not "bury her head in the sand."

It's something she doesn't completely understand, but it looks like shes doing something about it. Though she doesn't like that he wears, she continues to love him for who he is. Sounds like shes doing the best that she can to make him happy, and it's obvious that the thought of him wearing diapers hasnt chased her away.

You dont need a stranger to tell you what to do, and what caused your desire to wear diapers... Thats alot of good money gone to waste. Instead, use that money to take her out to the restaurant of her choice, and maybe a movie, go for a nice drive, or whatever. Just let her know just how important you think she is to you.

Act like the Diapered part of your life is just that. a part of your life. She will let you know when she's ready to talk.... If shes still not completely happy with your desire of diapers, then you must make your move. Her or the Diapers.... What can you live more without.

[anondl]

The desire is immutable. It can be anaylized and rationalized. It can be denied, like when gays used to feel compelled to get married and have kids, but it will likely never go away. The best one can do when involved with another person who is not ab/dl is to make it only a part of the relationship and give special attention her needs. Still there may be problems of jelousy. How many of us have heard something like "you love those diapers more than you do me"? Generally, women are hardwired for monogamy so this desire can be a threat to them. Let her know you love her.

[curiositykilledthecat]

"Do you believe in signs?"

"I believe in yield from right."

It is part of who we are however we chose to act on it or not, so yeah it is a choice but if you're happy with it then go with it. Just don't expect everyone else to be happy for you.

[Markley]

Still there may be problems of jelousy. How many of us have heard something like "you love those diapers more than you do me"? Generally, women are hardwired for monogamy so this desire can be a threat to them. Let her know you love her.

lol... I never heard that about the diapers, thank God, but I have heard her say many times "you love your classic car more than you do me."

[enfant]

I would advise having a couple's session--probably more than one, actually--with a therapist, preferably an AASECT-certified sex therapist (you can search for someone near you at the aasect.org website, or try the Kink-Aware Professionals database at ncsfreedom.org). If there's no one near you, I know a very good sex therapist, with extensive knowledge of AB/DL issues, who does counseling by phone; send me a private message and I'll give you her contact info.

Being a fetishist is not a choice, and it will never go away. To ask you to stop being into diapers is to ask you to be someone else, and it's not fair. But, being the non-kinky partner of a kinky person isn't a walk in the park, either. It can be very hard to balance things in your relationship so you're both getting what you want out of it--and it may well be that your girlfriend has legitimate complaints. If you love each other and want to put in the effort, then go for it; a good therapist can help enormously. If one of you really doesn't want to deal with it head-on, though, then in the long term, the kindest thing to do may indeed be to end the relationship.

[sarah_ab]

gawd.. girls and their games.

seriously all it sounds like is she is playing the 'if you really loved me you'd do this for me' and the 'ohhh how much can i control about him' game...

it may not be, but from what i've read, thats what it sounds like to me.

i've seen far to many girls do this to their boyfriends, and all it does is cause tension and hardship in the relationship.

Plus, if it truely were an addiction, saying "if you really loved me you'd quit" would only seek to stress you out only more, and when people are stressed they turn back to their addiction...

[curiositykilledthecat]

stating you have no choice is irresponsible and the cowards way out. We all have a choice it's just a matter of desire.

[DiaperedEntropy]

Well, its a fetish for me and i'm a firm believer in willpower. I don't want to(and haven't yet) let it dominate my life, i'm happy with the place it has. But everyone is different, so in the end it boils down to your own makeup. I know I could "choose" not to wear or use them, but much like medium-rare steaks and good books I happen to enjoy them. So, not planning on depriving myself without a very good reason. To sum up my rambling, its my biased opinion that there needs to be more understanding on both sides.

Draw some equivalents, like if she were to wear racey lingerie(sp?) as an everyday thing under normal clothes, or such. See what her big issues with it are. Try to include her in your DL play, even if its someting as simple as wearing but not using a diaper around her. If you really want her part of your life, these things are going to be shared. Anyway, hope my rambling helped.

[sarah_ab]

much like medium-rare steaks and good books I happen to enjoy them.

no way!!!! i totally like medium rare steaks and good books... do you think this has something to do with why we are ab's?

i bet almost all ab's must like medium rare steaks and good books..