Incontinence, Family, And Their Dissapproval Of Diapers As An Incontinence Solution

[Codymoogle]

I've been at my aunt's house since October 10th, for a wedding that took place on the 11th. Things were fine until the morning of the 11th, until my sister was talking with me about my situation with Dady, and among the upsetting things she told me, she also said this:

"You and I both know you don't need to wear those. You're not supposed to wear those until you're 70. Sure you have some problems but you don't need those..."

Referencing my diapers...I wanted to tell her, "Okay, tell you what. I'll stop wearing them for a week, but YOU have to do my laundry at the end of the week I'm diaperless, and then you can tell me whether or not I need them." (so she'll know the extent of laundry I have to do if I go without them.)

I don't have the control to go without diapers. I wish I did sometimes, but I don't. When I try to go without, I have accidents. What does she want me to do, have to wash tons of wet and dirty pants every day for the rest of my life?

*sigh* Have any other incontinent people been through this with their (well meaning or not) families?

I don't hold it against my sister, but she doesn't know the whole story...She also doesn't know I'm little, and would wear diapers even if I had control. I know she's well meaning but this has been bugging me.

Thanks for reading.

~ moogle

[diamondback6881]

I'm sorry that happened to you, moogle. That was very rude of her.

I am very fortunate that something like this has never happened to me. All of my family has been very understanding.

[babyfur]

I'm going through something similar with my family. My twin is being a real jerk about my diapers, and dropping hints that maybe I should try some other method to deal with it, being about as subtle as a sledge hammer to the face. He tried to tell me that I can get by without them, just wear sevral layers of underwear or something to catch leaks and not drink as much and I won't have accidents. He's means well I guess, it's embarrassing having to share a room when one of you is diaper dependent, and yes it's a big change for everyone around me as well. I try my best to avoid making it obvious, not changing in our room, always wearing something over them even if it's hot and I'm uncomfortable, doing everything possible now that he's back home to avoid alienating him.

With my twin it's partly well meaning and partly just to be a pain, complaining about how our room smells like dirty diapers(that's bull I don;t do that in my diapers anymore and the room actually smells a little like babypowder but mostly lysol), about how embarassing it is to have to share a room with someone who "pisses themself all the time"(his words, not mine), etc etc. He doesn't seem to be aware of the reality of how I enjoy diapers and acting like a baby, he just thinks that referring to me as his "big baby brother" irritates me(in reality it makes me want to laugh!). You're in my prayers.

[phogendpf]

I think its because your 20, like me. Most people assume that if your 20, you don't need diapers. Notice how if you were 70, she wouldn't have even brought it up because its considered "normal" at that age. Its not normal for a 20yr old to be in diapers. This is why I keep my diapers on a need to know basis. Only tell people you HAVE to. Ive said it before and ill say it again. I can't wait until im 70!!

[diaperuser]

Thats just plain mean in my book. I'm sorry she treated you that way.

[underwhere]

moogle, I can't really relate directly to what you are talking about. I'm not incontinent myself, but I can relate to the aggravation you express over this situation about people not understanding or not caring that you have a specific need, whatever that need is, and respecting you despite it.

People tell me I should go out and be more sociable without realizing the extent of my social challenges. (Check out my web site linked from my blog for an explanation of some of that.) In fact, being sociable in such a manner is usually an exercise in futility for me because I lack a meaningful way to connect one social encounter to another without significant help from the other person, something which it seems most people are unwilling or unable (perhaps because they forget despite my incessant explanations) to provide.

There is an expression that goes something like "walk a mile in my shoes", and while many people mean well, I truly believe that most people are actually incapable of assuming anything beyond their own experiences of the world as they have experienced them. I've had some very detailed conversations with my mother about how I experience the world through my eyes, and its only within the last 2 or 3 years, maybe, that she is starting to have an understanding of the depth of the difficulties I face. Bless her for trying and being supportive of me in every way she possibly can, but she just didn't understand some very fundamental aspects of my disability and how I relate to the world as a result of that. (She also doesn't have a clue about understanding my inclination towards s&m/BDSM, and although she is aware of my interest in diapers (she learned of both through a complicated collection of circumstances I won't describe here) she doesn't really understand that either, but she is open-minded enough to not care so much about that due to a lack of perceived safety issues. I'm convinced she will never understand or appreciate my interest in s&m/BDSM.) She now claims to have a better understanding of my cognitive and resulting social issues, and I think she really does, but she has barely scratched the surface of how many of my experiences and fears and worries have effected me. She doesn't get that family gatherings are, actually, MORE stressful to me than riding a crowded subway filled with "strangers", and because "family" is such an important priority to her, she resents the fact that I often wish to withdraw from, and find it difficult to engage in, family gatherings.

I realize this is a bit different from what you are writing about, moogle, but I just wanted to relate that parents sometimes can be very disrespectful even if they mean well, and sometimes, I've learned I just have to not touch certain topics with my mother because I can expect nothing but trouble trying to go there with her. In your case, as difficult as it may be to do as she continues to saw away at your heart by degrading you in this manner, probably your best bet would be to ignore her comments, and ultimately ignore her. Eventually, she'll want to know why you have given her the cold shoulder, and that will give you an opportunity to have a more meaningful discussion with her. Even then, you might still discover its not worth your time. Sometimes, its better off letting things go (if possible) than to get incessantly frustrated by them. Far easier said than done, I know, but it is the best advice I can give.

[rusty pins]

I'm going through something similar with my family. My twin is being a real jerk about my diapers, and dropping hints that maybe I should try some other method to deal with it, being about as subtle as a sledge hammer to the face. He tried to tell me that I can get by without them, just wear sevral layers of underwear or something to catch leaks and not drink as much and I won't have accidents. He's means well I guess, it's embarrassing having to share a room when one of you is diaper dependent, and yes it's a big change for everyone around me as well. I try my best to avoid making it obvious, not changing in our room, always wearing something over them even if it's hot and I'm uncomfortable, doing everything possible now that he's back home to avoid alienating him.

With my twin it's partly well meaning and partly just to be a pain, complaining about how our room smells like dirty diapers(that's bull I don;t do that in my diapers anymore and the room actually smells a little like babypowder but mostly lysol), about how embarassing it is to have to share a room with someone who "pisses themself all the time"(his words, not mine), etc etc. He doesn't seem to be aware of the reality of how I enjoy diapers and acting like a baby, he just thinks that referring to me as his "big baby brother" irritates me(in reality it makes me want to laugh!). You're in my prayers.

If you really want to be mean, when he's sleeping put his hand in a bowl of warm water! I'm sure most people knows what happens, but for those who don't, it makes the person wet himself. I'm just kidding about you doing it, but sometimes I bet you wish he would wake up wet just to see what it's really like! Maybe he would then have a little more understanding!

[littleJaina]

I don't know... I'm thinking an double chocolate x-lax milk shake with Benadryl garnish might be JUST THE THING, to make this brother get a grip!

[diamondback6881]

I don't know... I'm thinking an double chocolate x-lax milk shake with Benadryl garnish might be JUST THE THING, to make this brother get a grip!

I like that idea.

[AndB]

I think a lot of people assume that since there's medications available, it's like a "cure." Many times they don't work for some people, and even when they do a success rate between 30-50% is considered pretty good. As I've heard it said on other incontinence boards "Great, now I only need diapers half the time. If only I knew which half!"

You could try telling them that you tried a few medications, and they just didn't work for you. Even if you didn't, they don't need to know that.

[Codymoogle]

I think a lot of people assume that since there's medications available, it's like a "cure." Many times they don't work for some people, and even when they do a success rate between 30-50% is considered pretty good. As I've heard it said on other incontinence boards "Great, now I only need diapers half the time. If only I knew which half!"

You could try telling them that you tried a few medications, and they just didn't work for you. Even if you didn't, they don't need to know that.

Yep - I've been on medications, they did nothing for me except give me unpleasant side effects. My family has the attitude of "if you'd just go to the bathroom often enough..." Meanwhile if I had control, do they really think I'd have accidents anywhere? When I was in school, all throughout school, I had accidents all the time. When I'd go out, I'd have accidents. The accidents were embarrassing as hell, I got laughed at, stared at, and teased - why would I do that purposefully? (Unless I was into humiliation, which i'm definitely NOT.)

At least my gramma understands, when I told her about my diapers, she was accepting of it and she told me a story about when i was 7 or so, she told my bio dad off for punishing me over my accidents. My bio dad apparently thought I was just doing it or attention or because I didn't want to be potty trained. She told him that I wasn't doing it on purpose, because it was embarrassing and wet pants don't feel good (and they really don't, to me), so why would I do it purposefully? At least I have gramma on my side...

~ moogle

[AndB]

My family has the attitude of "if you'd just go to the bathroom often enough..."

Well they are right in one sense. If all you ever did was sit on the toilet, you wouldn't need diapers! Of course, you have a life so that's not really an option...

[Codymoogle]

Well they are right in one sense. If all you ever did was sit on the toilet, you wouldn't need diapers! Of course, you have a life so that's not really an option...

LOL yeah...they dont expect me to live on the toilet...but they've told me before "just go every 15 minutes or so, and go a few times a night" - "just" go? That'd be REALLY inconvenient, I don't care who you are...Plus I'd still have accidents...

~ moogle

[adriansurley]

Haha, these comments are funny :-)

[Nat]

Your family is so stupid. Aren't they aware of your medical condition?

Going every 15 minutes is crazy. You will never get anything done if you had to keep leaving your job to do and what about when you are going to places, there won't always be a bathroom around for you to go, same as being on the road.

[rusty pins]

It would serve them right if you went without diapers and just wet on the couch, chair, furniture and dripped puddles on the floor and rug! When they complain, just yell back, "You guys are the one's complaining that I don't need diapers! I stopped wearing them because of your bitching, now your complaining that I'm wetting on the furniture! Now, either shut up about it or shut up about the fact that I need diapers!!"

[DiaperBigBoy]

I've been at my aunt's house since October 10th, for a wedding that took place on the 11th. Things were fine until the morning of the 11th, until my sister was talking with me about my situation with Dady, and among the upsetting things she told me, she also said this:

"You and I both know you don't need to wear those. You're not supposed to wear those until you're 70. Sure you have some problems but you don't need those..."

Referencing my diapers...I wanted to tell her, "Okay, tell you what. I'll stop wearing them for a week, but YOU have to do my laundry at the end of the week I'm diaperless, and then you can tell me whether or not I need them." (so she'll know the extent of laundry I have to do if I go without them.)

I don't have the control to go without diapers. I wish I did sometimes, but I don't. When I try to go without, I have accidents. What does she want me to do, have to wash tons of wet and dirty pants every day for the rest of my life?

*sigh* Have any other incontinent people been through this with their (well meaning or not) families?

I don't hold it against my sister, but she doesn't know the whole story...She also doesn't know I'm little, and would wear diapers even if I had control. I know she's well meaning but this has been bugging me.

Thanks for reading.

~ moogle

Tell her next time she can't use the bathroom. Like lock the door and keep it that way, and then see how she likes it. It's not very nice that she would do that to you. Oh well, she's just upset at life. and wants everybody to revolve around her. Also she is looking for any way to lash out at you. Does she do her own laundry anyway?

[Codymoogle]

It would serve them right if you went without diapers and just wet on the couch, chair, furniture and dripped puddles on the floor and rug! When they complain, just yell back, "You guys are the one's complaining that I don't need diapers! I stopped wearing them because of your bitching, now your complaining that I'm wetting on the furniture! Now, either shut up about it or shut up about the fact that I need diapers!!"

I doubt that...If that happened, they'd just probably "monitor" my bathroom usage as they have in the past...AKA, "go to the bathroom, it's been X amount of minutes".

Tell her next time she can't use the bathroom. Like lock the door and keep it that way, and then see how she likes it. It's not very nice that she would do that to you. Oh well, she's just upset at life. and wants everybody to revolve around her. Also she is looking for any way to lash out at you. Does she do her own laundry anyway?

Uh, Bigboy, I can't very well lock the bathroom door on my sister - I don't live with her - and of course she does her own laundry, she's older than me. I wouldn't do that to her anyway. Also, even though her comments upset me, I think she was trying to do the right thing, as she saw it from her viewpoint. It may have been a wrong viewpoint, but my sister isn't a heartless person. I can tell you for a fact she's NOT attention seeking and she's NOT looking for a way to "lash out" at me...

As I said in my first post, I think my family MEANS well, but they don't get it. Is there any mature way I could settle this? My sister might not understand for a long time, or she may never understand period...But I still wish I could explain it in a way at least someone else in my family could understand. My gramma is okay with it, maybe I could talk to her more about it.

~ moogle

[Repaid1]

Yeah go with Gramma, they is the bestest anyways....Perhaps if you had a heart to heart talk with Grams about your feelings in this matter, then she would gather the family aside from time to time and give them the scoop on your true feelings..nobody goes against Gramma..not if you is smart..That mature enough for ya???

[underwhere]

moogle, do you know anybody IRL who is also incon? Maybe the reason your parents don't understand is because they don't know anybody else has similar problems. If you do know somebody else, maybe have your parents sit down with them for a conversation, and really make it a conversation. Tell them everything about how you feel, and let the other person express how they feel or how they would feel if their family was equally unsupportive. The fact that your family means well is a good start, but that's a long way away from doing well.

[mogumbo]

What if you asked your family, "Would you deny someone who can't see, glasses? Someone who can't walk crutches? Someone who can't hear, a hearing aid? Someone with diabetes, their insulin?" Maybe they'd get the picture from these analogies.

Mo

[Codymoogle]

What if you asked your family, "Would you deny someone who can't see, glasses? Someone who can't walk crutches? Someone who can't hear, a hearing aid? Someone with diabetes, their insulin?" Maybe they'd get the picture from these analogies.

Mo

Actually, I do walk with crutches, and they want me to work on stop using them too.

~ moogle

[Nat]

God your family is so stupid.

I bet if they saw my dad they will tell him to stop taking insulin and work on making his own.

[dogpiss]

I'm glad I'm not in your family... sounds like they'd want me to sleep without my ventilator... that would be a BAD idea. I'm truly sorry you have these problems. The only thing that you might be able to get through to your sister is to tell her to compare your situation to going through her next (heavy) period without pads or tampons, and just let her menstrual flow mess her underwear and clothes. If she'd be willing to do that (which I think is absurd... my point is to illustrate absurdity by being absurd), then you'd be willing to admit she might be right about your wearing diapers. If she would go to the bathroom every few minutes and clean herself while she had her period, she wouldn't have to worry about messing her clothes. I'm sure you can make the analogy better, but that's the angle I'd work. I'm sorry for your situation and I really didn't mean to personally insult your family... I just meant they seem to be hard on you and not very considerate of your physical adaptive needs.

Cheers and best wishes,

DP

[Nat]

Stating the point about her sister's period made me laugh so hard my boyfriend had to read it since he couldn't understand a word I was saying because I was laughing so hard.

I would go for that move Moogle. Tell your sister that and see what she says.