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Personalias
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Everything posted by Personalias
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The one thing that no one is talking is....Alliance or Horde?
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Interesting set up. As is your usual style, you set this up in quick vignettes, but you manage to get the characters across. Watch for typos and grammar on a few small words though. (she was fantastic in bed, not fantastically in bed.) I think your auto correct is doin' its thing again. Watch out for that. Also, a compliment disguised as criticism: I normally am against the "info dump", ie: "Megan was your average 16 year old with blonde hair blue eyes, a huge rack and a big butt." But the way you present the info dumpy information on Sarah through Nathan's eyes gives you an idea of what kind of guy he is and what his priorities are. Also a guy with the same name as the famous hot dog eating contest is grilling hot dogs...tell me that wasn't an accident. As a fan of your writing my only request is that you don't let Colony fall by the wayside for this (admittedly well done) side project.
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Even the plants are poisonous and predatory...crikey! Very clever...but seriously, I'm routing for Tosh to make a recovery, he doesn't deserve to go out like that...at least have him go out with a blaster in his hand or one arm being eaten as he drops the plasma grenade down the monster's throat. Dang this story makes me go all fanboy. @Sarah penguin- Tosh could also be turning into a giant blueberry ala Willy Wonka.
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As usual I like the character interactions. They feel very natural, and even though we barely know this crew, it feels like they've known each other for a while...or at least have been in the same working environment. The description of the terrain is original as far as I'm concerned, "red like rotting meet and smells like chocolate". Strange enough to seem alien but it feels familiar and it's easier to imagine thanks to your descriptors. Nice cliffhanger ending. @ livingbylies: As for criticisms: I have a few notes that you might be able to make use of. Private message me and we'll workshop it. I think I can handle a decent amount of criticisms myself...and if I can't, it's not gonna stop me from writing.
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Keep this going...but yeah...fix up the typos...especially the one's that change the meaning of the word like internal and international.
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Ah yes. I am an idiot for not recognizing that. Okay, my thoughts on part two. I'm gonna try something that I read on a post somewhere by WBDaddy. Giving constructive criticism AND constructive praise. "This is AWESOME!" is just as bad as "This SUCKS" if you don't back up your opinions with specifics. The one piece of constructive criticism I have is that on SOME of the dialogue you MIGHT want to add in who is saying what. That's it as far as criticism. As far as praise. OMG chapter 2 was SOOOOO good! The dialogue is very strong, and even without saying "he said" "she said", you can pretty easily tell who is talking just based on what is said. I love the fact that when they are alone and not in combat, the heroes tend to refer to each other as their real names instead of their code names. Kara being frustrated and talking about "this stupid lasso" and "you sure took your time" like she's a frustrated teen. Wonder Woman yelling "Great Hera!". Martian Manhunter's dialogue sounds a little stilted and formal (which is good), and that he's not coming along, but acting as dispatcher just like in JLU. The mentioning of lined with lead and Superman's dialogue feels really natural to me. It really feels like you either read a bunch of comics before writing this chapter or you watched a bunch of the Justice League Cartoon before writing this. I also really liked how you cleverly worked in Wonder Woman getting her lasso back by leaving Super Girl tied up in it. The note by The Nurse is classic a supervillain move. The "if you're smart you won't try to stop me," and even "best wishes", are really good character moments to get the Nurse across and really show that she thinks she's the good guy. Most importantly though, is the fact that you spent an entire chapter focusing on the characters. Keep it up, and if and when you have more chapters of them regressing and forced to act like babies, and the contrast will be that much more noticable. This chapter was totally worth the wait for me.
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Um...where?
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Please write more. Want to see where you take the story.
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This caught my eye. I'm sorry I did not read it sooner. Glad you're developing one of your main characters. I like the timeless feel of mixing periods. Good call on your part. Although I look forward to the humiliation and description of baby treatments, I'm most curious about the Queen. Did anything in particular besides not being able to have kids make her go bonkers enough to imprison her subjects and force them to be babies...cuz I imagine being a queen she could have her pick of adoptions of real infants and children. I could almost see her becoming a sympathetic villain depending on how you wanted to play it. More importantly, I'm curious as to what has happened to the other babies? This clearly isn't a new thing. Does the Queen just want a very big family, or is she the type to go "Ok...I'm bored of this baby," or "this one isn't meeting my exacting standards." and throw them in the fungeon (fun dungeon).
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keep it up.
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Well, it's still good writing you're doing, and I clearly need to watch more Whedonverse. Whedon is starting to become his own "Simpsons did it!" Just don't have any of your characters kill/fall in love with vampires, form a super hero team, start a sing-a-long blog, go to a cabin in the woods, or become living doll assassins (yeah..didn't watch that one either, so excuse the poor/completely off summary) and I'm pretty sure you'll be good to go.
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One of the great double edged swords of writing fantasy or sci-fi is you basically get to make up the rules as you go along. If done poorly, the reader goes, "Really? The double helix hoozle whutzit? You gotta be kiddin' me." If done well, the reader goes "Of course! The double helix hoozle whutzit! Why didn't I think of that despite only reading about it a minute ago?" So far, you've been pretty darn good at making me go "Of course", what with the peroxide in the airlock (Though that was just really clever chemistry) and the safety on the laser pistol. Your attention to detail and talent for description already have me ready to say "Of course!" a third time. P.S. Nice use of having artificial gravity fighting it out with regular gravity, I've never heard of that before. With your strong use of dialogue and characterization, I'd actually recommend changing this into a screen play when it's all said and done.
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I still love your use of little character quirks and inside comments to flesh out the characters bit by bit. I really feel like I'm getting to know them.. Nice...finally get to see what some aliens look like ....oh wait a minute...needle reptile bats?! Oh God! takeitbacktakeitbacktakeitback! (Runs around flailing arms in a panic yet is somehow able to type this out.)
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Yeah, well Livingbylies, don't you type everything from your phone? So your keyboard is smaller and/or arranged differently. So that's not exactly a fair comparison. -
Good point on the statues not being potty trained thing. That's actually kind of funny now that I think about it. Heck, mention that in your next chapter and you're golden. Looking forward to more.
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Sorry, I need to get my rant on. I've come across some really good stories lately. But then I've come across things that make me want to slam my dick against the keyboard and see what happens, because I think there are authors that genuinely use this method. (And no, that's not a knock against smut stories. There are some amazing pure smut stories. I should know, I've read them. I'm beginning to think that some people just literally bang on a keyboard and see what happens.) I still consider myself as "new" since I'm still writing my second story, and there's a one shot that I'm maybe half way finished with before I post...so I'm trying desperately not to criticize people, because the nice part of me wants to encourage my peers and bring out the best in them. I think the closest I came to criticizing someone was when I oh-so-delicately nitpicked a Wonder Woman fan-fic and tried to spin it for some ideas where the author could go with it. (If you don't know who my avatar is, you don't have the slightest idea how much of a comic geek I am.) Then there are the ones that I read...well...bwaaaaa...here's a synopsis. (Starts with info dump) Girl is getting ready for a date. Her brief inner monologue says that she wants to go to a Halloween party held by her kind of nerdy but still hot friend. (Clearly the author is living vicariously.) She's hoping that he will ask her out to be his girlfriend. Cut to the nerd who is at his party that no one has shown up to. His inner monologue says that he's hoping she gets there soon so that he can ask her out. She's running VERY LATE...and really has to go to the bathroom. She gets to the not-so-swinging party, and he brings her over to the couch and is about to ask her to be his girlfriend, when she loses control and wets herself and his couch. "Well I know how to treat a baby like you!" he says. Then he picks her up throws her on a bed and says...God I wish I didn't have to even paraphrase this. "You forgot that I can change reality! I made you late so I could turn you into my baby sister!" And then he turns her into a baby in mind and body, makes her shit herself as revenge for peeing on his couch...never mind that he's supposedly able to manipulate reality so that didn't need to happen, and he caused it so he shouldn't be mad... So wait...he was about to ask her out...then he gets mad...but it was his plan all along to make her.....aasjidgehastgaiohwetoihaweasrghfgouiwetweruhqwerhiouwerouipwrtyiyjlk (got so mad I used the aforementioned writing method.) There are so many things wrong with something like this that I don't know where to begin. And the nice part of me wants to do constructive criticism, but construction implies that you've given me materials to build with. I just want to post "THIS IS WHY PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF US!" That's not even the worst of it, but it's the straw that breaks the camel's back because clearly the author has SOME grasp of how to write a sentence at least. Oh wait, maybe I could write that as constructive criticism.
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Like it. Hopefully this will be used again in the story. Or not. Still it shows what the bleep Tosh was thinking, and having the bad guy caught is not the same as having the bad guy beaten. Ever seen Silence of the Lambs? Also, random question...is there anyway to stop my progression ranking to "Bed Wetter?" Aging up and implied daytime bladder control seems like a demotion to me.
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Interesting idea. Did you know that most versions of the WW mythos skip past her being an infant. Hippolyta carved a clay child and it was brought to life as Diana. So this could technically be WW's first time in diapers. As for where to go, the Golden Age version of the character had a skirt, maybe she'd start wearing the skirt again, perhaps a bit longer to cover the bulge of her diaper. Then again, not much gets Wonder Woman down, so she could go on fighting while the effects wear off and beat the living hell out of anyone who so much as smirks...though that's a little more Power Girl's style. My 2c is have her humiliated by it, have her pride shattered, and then she has a heart to heart with other "joke" superheroes. Like do you know how much crud Aquaman has to put up with? Or Booster Gold? Or Plastic Man? There are plenty of heroes who aren't taken seriously, but they keep up the good fight...maybe that's a lesson WW could learn....just my 2c. Interested to see where this is going.
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Nice. Good Antagonist. I wanna see where this goes. Someone has just gotta have something up there sleeves.
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Neat. Could I ask for one small edit? Could you be a little more specific on who is saying that last line of "Howdy Captain." Depending on who is saying it changing how the line reads in my head. If it's Jesse, who is obviously in a bad way right now saying it, then it comes off as embarrassed and blushing...kind of a comedic moment given the horrible circumstances. If it's Victor saying it after what we've learned, it comes off as cocky and sinister. I'm only nitpicking because I dig the story and a little detail such as who says that last line is gonna drive me crazy until I know. Keep this up!
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Dude! Keep this story going. The little chapters give it a cool moment to moment feel, almost like quick scenes from an action sci-fi thriller! DO NOT END THIS STORY!
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I emailed the board people...I think and they said "sure". But haven't told me "How". Am still awaiting further instructions
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Fanfics With An Abdl Slant
Personalias replied to JDL23's topic in Critiques and Writer's Discussion
The Nanny State: A Doctor Who Story. It's REALLY Good. -
No direct sequels planned at the moment. Right now if I wrote a sequel, it would basically just feel like Dante's Infanzia Ch 18. I don't want that. I told the story I wanted to tell and I'm content to give those characters a rest for now I might use some recurring characters though; kind of like how Long_Rifle has a couple stories that involve an old wizard in a robe running a magic shop. So maybe in future stories people will be visited in their dreams by a pushy 16 year old "Saint in Training" or run across a mysterious pretty woman in nursery scrubs who just loves babies. I dunno. We'll see. If anything though, I'm immensely flattered by the reaction to the ending and the injustice of it all. I feel like that means I did something right. Messyman and WBDaddy: Seriously? You think this is good enough to put on the main story part of the site? Damn. Uh...how do I do that?
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Chapter 17: I Am Mine Everything had come down to this: Dante’s death, the Judy’s, Lysa, Midori, the Newborn Room, Caroline, regressing, Jamal, Vivian, Kevin, his Grandparents, the truth about Lysa, approaching the threshold, finding his anchor, singing, standing, being punished, Saint Jude, things getting even worse, and now this. Dante was about to commit his one last act of defiance against the forces of Heaven and their jailors in Limbo. They would see the mortals in their care as something to be respected, not manipulated; that they were more than just simple children to be rewarded or punished as deemed appropriate. Some very small part of Dante questioned himself; felt guilty. Maybe the Judy’s were doing the right thing in the long run. Then he remembered that the Devil was once an angel as well. Not even angels were perfect. They only held onto that pretense. These things were just as capable of fault, pride, and monstrousness as any sentient creature. They just had special tools to help them in their designs. Hopefully Dante’s plan would shock them bad enough to where they’d think twice, but he wasn’t doing this for them. Not at all. Fuck them with a giant spoon and twist it sideways. Dante always thought that guilt was the last thing to go. Apparently not. He had so many other emotions running through him that he couldn’t register them all. Anger, fear, hope, even a little bit of pride. He’d never felt like this. He counted to a hundred slowly, as the stroller moved along the winding narrow path. Then he counted backwards from a hundred just to be sure. He wanted to be at about the half-way point before he started, too far away from Limbo or Heaven for reinforcements to arrive in time to make a difference. It was fortunate that the Judy in the green dress hadn’t stripped him of his ability to count. Dante smiled. Then again, maybe she did, and he was just taking it back anyways. Dante knew exactly what song he wanted to use. It wasn’t “You Gotta Keep ‘Em Separated
