Dr_J

For the love of all things holy (and unholy), please just stop. Not only are your posts nearly %100 incoherent, but you sound like a troll.

Yikes! Well send her my best regards, and I'm happy to hear she is safe and sound!

While I cannot even begin to say I know where you're coming from or how you're feeling, I can say that we have all made mistakes in our lives. Unfortunately, some of those mistakes have far greater consequences than the others. Can you blame yourself for making said mistake? Personally, I don't think so. Given what you've mentioned, you were/are in a very fragile state due to circumstances that were/are beyond your control. You neededto feel something to make yourself feel wanted. Was it the best way to go about things? Probably not. But I don't believe that you should be so hard/critical on yourself. Yes, it was a mistake, and the important thing is that you realize it was a mistake and that you do feel bad about it. That shows that you are human. Time wil heal the wounds that have been inflicted on you. Believe me, I've made some mistakes in the past, some of which led to some lost time with people I loved and cared for, and even worse, some which people I loved and cared for left this world without me being able to say goodbye, all because I was wrapped up in my own life. But time will heal you. Another thing that may help now is to do a little bit of introspection. You felt guilty, you have "purified" yourself by admitting to your guilt, and now, the last step would be "redemption." What do you feel you should and could do to redeem yourself? I can only imagine the potential damage this whole situation has done to both you and your husband, but are you two able to reconcile and talk it out? Can you find some middle ground to both satisfy your and his needs? I'm not sure if any of this is helping you, but I am hoping that it does. I am also hoping that some good comes out of this situation. I read a quote somewhere that "It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light." While I do work a lot and am sometimes busy, I tend to lend a very good ear when people are dealing with issues like these, so if you need to talk, let me know. Hang in there my friend. There is ALWAYS some good that comes out of these types of situations.

While I was expecting the "you are dead" bit due to my knowledge/reading of Dante's Inferno, I still find this quite interesting and am looking forward to more. I'm hoping to see this continued soon!

Hey folks! I know this has been finished for a while, but wanted to tell you all I'm editing the book, working on the Synopsis, and am attempting to publish this once and for all. The title will also be changed, and I'm writing an "Afterword" which I will be posting here as soon as it's done.

I'm a Customer Service Rep for a cellphone company, but that's going to change pretty soon. Really looking for something where I can teach/train people.

That's not too far away from my house. It was all over the local radio/news before she got all the national attention. Seems legit to me based on her interview.

Well, it's been nearly four years since I started "I, Infantilist" and after all the hard work and juggling Graduate School and a lot of personal issues, I have finally finished writing it! It's 62,802 words right now, and just hit the 175 page mark in my Word Document. For those of you who haven't read it, here's the link: http://www.dailydiapers.com/board/index.php?showtopic=11627 I feel slightly bad about not finishing it in a more timely manner, but I still intend on attempting to get this published, as the feedback I've received has been excellent overall, and the combined view count from the sites I have it on is almost 60,000. It's been a long run, folks, but it's finally finished. I'm hoping to continue some of my other ideas pretty soon! Dr_J

Believe it or not, after almost four years of working on this book....it is done. The story is complete. You'll either really like the ending, or you'll really hate it. I feel I ended it on a fair note. I'm also working on an "Afterword" that will go at the end of the book. It's like a personal essay that really epxlores the "why's" of working on this. Additionally, the title will be changed so that it isn't as obvious what the book is about. I found a much more fitting title, but will keep the original title on here and in the other communities where I've posted it. So, here is Chapter 29 and the Finale, Chapter 30. Please let me know what you think! Chapter 29 Before our session ended, Dr. Venello told me that it’d be okay. The plan was that with each session, we’d keep working (with my consent, of course) towards getting me to accept myself. In all honesty, when I left that particular session, I simultaneously felt down and calm. The combination of releasing all of the negativity I had associated with my infantilism and exposing some of my greatest weaknesses definitely took its toll. I don’t think I had ever wanted to time-travel one week into the future so badly before. If Dr. Venello was good enough to talk me through some of my darkest thoughts, then she had to be good enough to help me overcome all of this. That night, Jill immediately knew something had happened, but she wasn’t sure what. As soon as I got in the door, Jill kissed me, saw the weariness in my eyes and said, “John, you look so tired! Are you okay?

I'm sure the title of this post may come off as confusing for most of you, but as you read this, it'll start making more sense. First off, for those of you who don't know me, I've known I was into this lifestyle since I was quite young. However, it was only recently that I really began tfiguring out what triggered it. I used to blame television (damn you, Tiny Toons!), and even though I have one of the sharpest memories among anyone in my family, there were things even I repressed that I only found out recently. My father was (and still is) battling Bipolar Disorder, so when I was young, I was used to being verbally abused. My parent sfought quite often, so instead of comforting us kids, my mother would "rush into battle" with my father. I was even told of a time when my father apparently threw a glass cup that came very close to hitting me, and didn't start remembering it until recently. I guess you'd say I'm the type of person who has to know why I was born this way, because throughout my life, I've been struggling with the whole self-acceptance thing and constantly go through stages of self-hate when it comes to this lifestyle. I've inherited a lesser form of Bipolar from my dad, so I don't think that ever helped with the phases I'd go through regarding this lifestyle. It's a very tricky situation. So where am I going with this? Why, to "hell." Allow me to explain. Last year, I began talking with a woman who had been in my Graduate program. We had a few classes together in the past, but never really talked. When we did, we really hit it off. It wasn't long before we were dating and getting to know each other more. Unfortunately for me, I became infatuated with this woman. For the first time in my life, I actually told myself, "I think I just might marry this person!" She was fun, she was kind, she was...well, you get the idea. Then everything changed. We started a relationship. Things were still going well, but she kept telling me that I could tell her anything and she would not judge me or think any less of me. I had kept this lifestyle a complete secret from everyone (minus 2 close friends), so I was wary about telling her about it. However, we both had rough upbrinings, she seemed to genuinely care about me, so on and so forth. In April of last year, I hit a rather low point in the depression phase of my Bipolar, to the point where, after five years of battling it without counseling or medicine, I took the advice of a psychiatrist and began taking pills. In 2010, I had hit the point where I was literally minutes away from ending my life, and it was one of the darkest moments in my history, and I never want to go back there again. My girlfriend knew I was Bipolar, but did not yet know that I had struggled with thoughts of suicide in the past. What I learned in Graduate School is that over time (emphasis intended), two people will gain each others' trust and eventually reach a point where they will share more personal things with each other. I hadn't yet reached that point, but apparently she had. She changed. A lot. She bombarded me with questions on why I was taking medicine, and soon after started arguing with me about it. I finally gave in and told her about how my 2010 battle, and how I never wanted to go there again. She broke up with me and yelled at me, telling me that "she knew it all along" and was upset because I didn't tell her. I received no sympathy, just a scolding. That hsould've been a sign that it was time for me to move on, but, as I mentioned before, I was madly in love. We worked that part out and things started going good again. However, shortly after, I'd receive these strange and cryptic text messages about how she was feeling "tense" and unsure about our relationship. We'd talk about it, and then she'd be overly critical of me. I'd simply work harder to keep her around. Deeper into "hell" I descended. Then, Judgment Day. I had planned this amazing day of fun-filled activities to celebrate her finishing her LSAT exam. It was all planned out and I was ready to go. The day before, however, she started asking me all of these weird questions, telling me that she thought I was hiding something from her and that she was tired of me having to explain why I did the things I did (yeah, it is crazy when I think about it now). I told her I was hiding something, but I wasn't ready to tell her yet because we weren't at a good level of trust yet. This turned into one of the greatest verbal arguments I'd gotten into with a woman in my entire life. She finally told me that if I didn't tell her what it was, she'd break up with me. However, she also said that "no matter what it was, she wouldn't judge me or think differently of me." Remember that. I essentially felt like I had a gun to my head, and she was threatening my life (at that time, love was a big part of my life). I asked to tell her in person since this was all over the phone, and she said no. So, after 10 minutes of having a panic attack and heavy breathing, I finally spilled my guts. I said, "I'm...what's known as an AB/DL." She asked me to explain and asked me "who diagnosed you?" I explained that it wasn't a diagnosis, and that it was a lifestyle/fetish thing, and stumbled upon my words to explain what it meant. She freaked the hell out. A disgusted "WHAT?!" was heard on the phone, and I tried explainng it more. She simply said, "We're still friends, but I'm breaking up with you. This is worse than when you told me you were feeling suicicdal last year." And she hung up the phone. So there it was. I had faced my biggest fear of my entire life. She reahed in and pulled out that deepest, darkest secret ever, and for the first time in my life, I had said aloud, "I'm an AB/DL." It was extremely scary, and to me, was a form of psychological torture, given the circumstances. They say that torture changes a person's life: they're right. This may not seem like much to you, but for someone who hid this for 18 long years, this was torture. This was "hell." I tried getting her to listen to me a few days later, explaining that there is a whole psychology behind this lifestyle. She simply told me to "get help" and would not allow me to explain. I gave up after a month and it haunted me until October of 2011. I know this is so sad, and I'm getting upset while writing it, but now it's on to the brighter side of things. I did seek counseling, and they told me there was nothing wrong with me, and that this preference (I used to call it a quirk) was just another thing that made me who I am. I wound up telling two fo my siblings, my mom guessed it, because apparently she did some research after I told her some of what happened, and a handful of friends now know. And you know what? They all still love me. We still talk. And I still kept my GPA at a 3.94, and I still enjoyed life. I still hold doors open for women and act very chivalrous. I never changed in those aspects. That was the thing I tried to get this person to see. And she finally did realize it, because while we're not together anymore, we had a reunion of sorts while I was presenting my Thesis in December, and I could tell she realized she was wrong. And guess what? I graduated at nearly the top of my class, and I'm still enjoying life. I know this is a long post, and I know it might seem like rambling to some of you, but I wanted to show you that this does happen to people who are into this lifestyle. I know there's a lot of secrecy and that there can be heartbreak when it comes to telling people about this lifestyle. But I survived. I made it out of what I will always refer to as my time in "hell." I faced my fear, While I'm still careful about who I tell for obvious reasons, I tend to take a more non-chalant approach when mentioning it to someone, because this secret turned into something that robbed me of so much in my life. It felt like I'd worn so much armor over my entire life. I'd deliberately keep people away from me so they wouldn't find out. And now, I find myself being more happy and in some ways, more carefree. So, the moral of this post/story is that this can be an extremely tough thing for people to experience. It can seem almost impossible to tell your significant other because there's a fear that they might react in a way that you don't expect. But if this is something that plays a role in defining you as a person, then I feel like you have to stand tall. You might get hurt, and people can be terribly rude and ignorant, but there are people out there who have compassion and understanding. They won't all shun you. I don't know what your current situation is, but even if you feel like you're in some form of "hell," it can and usually will get better. So just hang in there.

For me, it's bufalo chicken dip. It's the greatest dip in the world, even if it is really bad for you!

You sort of answered your own question. You need to find a middle ground. While it's obviously difficult with him being so exhausted and working so hard, is there a way you can lessen the amount of "baby time" you have with him? The reason I suggest this is because if you say he has trouble sleeping, which in turn affects your sleep, then maybe there should be a night or two when either you or him (or the both of you) take something to help you both fall asleep. That way, he might not be as cranky and you might be able to get some sleep. Also, you should really talk to him about this. Ibviously in any relationship, it's important that both parties are satisfied. It sounds to me like you're not getting your needs and wants fulfilled, even if that is no fault of yours or your significant other's. Still, you ought to talk to him. I know that's hard because you don't want to sound like you're accusing him, so there are a few ways to get your message across: -When you do talk, tell him "I like doing this for you, and here's what I like that you do for me." And list those things. From there, you can tell him that you feel. -Tell him, "When you do this (such as when he squirms and doesn't communicate what he wants from you), I feel..." and say it that way. Do you feel unappreciated? Do you feel like there's a rift between the two of you that's starting to form? When you say "I feel" it again makes it so you're simply telling him how you feel and you're not blaming him. -Emphathize with him. Tell him you understand how tiring his job is and how rough that has to be...From there, attempt to find a middle ground. Try to comproise or negotiate so that your needs are being met, too. Obviously you need some TLC, too I'm not sure how your husband is when it comes to communicating, but this might help. The only reason I'm suggesting these things is because I recently graduated from Grad School in the communications field, so I learned a lot about theory and interpersonal communication. Keeping a level head is most important, and so is emphathizing. Again, these are just suggestions, but I do wish you luck and hope you two find some middle ground!

Honestly? Given that you can't afford them at the moment, you should probably try doing other things to make you happy or at least take your mind off of you negative thougths. Be that working, socializing, or just whatever. I'm not sure what other advice to give you, being that I'm Bipolar and have been through the depression stage multiple times in my life....so I can somewhat relate, but since I don't know the whole story, it's tough to give you legitimate advice on that aspect. Exercise helps, too, though. It allows you to excert some of that tension/anxiety/depression. So, there's another option. Those are just some things to do until you find a way to afford your coping mechanism.