Saving Grace: CH 30 (11/2/24)

[zzzz50]

Another excellent chapter. It will be interesting to see how Will handles his sexuality. If he was attracted to females before will that stay consistent? Will the adult brain still have a libido or will the lack of hormones in the toddler body eliminate any thought of sexuality? It will be interesting how this all develops.

[kerry]

I'm finding the way you work on explaining the inexplicable interesting. Honestly, though I'm sure the science could never work out, I think you've done a great job making this almost make sense...which I never would have thought possible at the start. Nice work!  

I too am wondering how Will is going to make this change work...and when he is going to realize that she will probably need a new name as well as a new body...

[LGGrace]

8 hours ago, Craisler said:

I found a couple more items.  Sorry, I used to do a lot of technical editing when I was working.

I do really enjoy your writing.  I think you capture the human feelings and reactions of your characters well.

I do not mind at all. I am actually grateful.  At some point after I finish writing this story and it has time to marinate, I plan on re-editing the whole story and reposting it.

Thank you.  I based all my characters off of people or multiple people IRL, all of the reactions are either real-life reactions that I have seen or how I think they would react based off their personalities.

1 hour ago, zzzz50 said:

Another excellent chapter. It will be interesting to see how Will handles his sexuality. If he was attracted to females before will that stay consistent? Will the adult brain still have a libido or will the lack of hormones in the toddler body eliminate any thought of sexuality? It will be interesting how this all develops.

Thank you,  I have a funny scene planned where Will tries to figure that out.

1 hour ago, kerry said:

I'm finding the way you work on explaining the inexplicable interesting. Honestly, though I'm sure the science could never work out, I think you've done a great job making this almost make sense...which I never would have thought possible at the start. Nice work!  

I too am wondering how Will is going to make this change work...and when he is going to realize that she will probably need a new name as well as a new body...

Thanks, I always loved AR virus stories, but the nerd in me always wanted at least a somewhat plausible explanation on how it works.  Yeah, as far as I know, nothing even remotely like this could happen.  I once spent a whole evening researching if it was possible to shrink either through illness or medication and after 5 hours came to the conclusion that other than losing a few inches as we age, it is impossible.

Answers to that question will come soon.

[Craisler]

I never thought I’d find an ABDL story educational.  Your description of some of the cell processes and genetics caused me to do some research on line.  I never knew there was an error checking mechanism during the cell division process.  Of course, I took high school biology about 60 years ago and those processes may not have been known at that time or maybe they were and my memory isn’t very good.  Biology wasn’t really my favorite subject.

In today’s society, I don’t see a compelling reason why Will has to align his personality with his changed body.  Plus, at his apparent physical age, the only outward differences between male and female are the length of the child’s hair and the color/style of the clothes they are dressed in.  The only people who would know the difference are the one’s who change his diapers.  I’m very curious to see how the story progresses.

 

[LGGrace]

2 hours ago, Craisler said:

I never thought I’d find an ABDL story educational.  Your description of some of the cell processes and genetics caused me to do some research on line.  I never knew there was an error checking mechanism during the cell division process.  Of course, I took high school biology about 60 years ago and those processes may not have been known at that time or maybe they were and my memory isn’t very good.  Biology wasn’t really my favorite subject.

In today’s society, I don’t see a compelling reason why Will has to align his personality with his changed body.  Plus, at his apparent physical age, the only outward differences between male and female are the length of the child’s hair and the color/style of the clothes they are dressed in.  The only people who would know the difference are the one’s who change his diapers.  I’m very curious to see how the story progresses.

 

I'm a pretty big stickler on details and wanted this story to be as accurate as possible; other than Will's genetic disease itself, all of the biological processes and medical tests\results are real. I minored in biology in undergrad and still had to look up the error-checking mechanism and what phase it happens during cell division, I wouldn't beat yourself up over it.  In the second half of the story, I plan on unleashing my inner nerd and introducing some topics in math/physics/computer science, that I hope, that the general reader will find interesting.

I agree. In the next few chapters, Will is going to be working through what to do about it.

[Craisler]

I’m an electrical engineer.  So, I’m looking forward to seeing what you’re going to have Will doing. 

[LGGrace]

4 hours ago, Craisler said:

I’m an electrical engineer.  So, I’m looking forward to seeing what you’re going to have Will doing. 

That makes sense when you said you did a lot of technical writing.  Half of the design is writing and reviewing specs.

[LGGrace]

Chapter 14

I woke up to my mom gently shaking my shoulder and rubbing my back. I open my crusty eyes from the dried tears and see that I am still being held by my mom. My whole face felt sticky from the dried snot and my eyes felt puffy from all the crying. My mom spoke into my ear, “Sweety, Abby is here for your last feeding.”

She sat up still holding me, then repositioned me in her arms so that I was sitting in her lap facing Abby with one arm wrapped around me holding me up. I could see the look of concern and pity written on Abby’s face. I didn’t need a mirror to tell that I probably looked like a trainwreck. In a soft voice, Abby said, “I heard you had a tough afternoon, I’m going to clean you up and fix the tape holding your feeding tube in place.”

She took some tissues and began to wipe my face, eyes, and nose. With a new tissue, she held it up to my nose and said, “Blow for me.”

After my nose was clear of any more snot, she removed the tape holding my feeding to my face and used a baby wipe to finish cleaning my face off. With new tape applied to my face, she started the feeding and injected me with nausea medicine. Once I was all set, she said, “I’ll be back in a little bit.”

My mom raised the bed into a sitting position and sat back to where I was resting in the crook of her arm. She lightly rubbed my thigh with her hand as I just stared off into the distance. At that moment, I didn’t want to talk and I didn’t want to think. I just felt numb to everything. The room was completely quiet other than the sound of the TV softly playing in the background. After some time, my mom finally spoke up, “Do you know what the happiest three days of my life were?”

Still not wanting to engage, I remained silent. After a pregnant pause, my mom said, “The three happiest days of my life were the days you, your brother, and your sister were born. I remember when we came home from the hospital after Marley was born, two-year-old you ran up to us and as soon as you saw Marley in the infant carrier, you looked at me and said, take her back, take her back.”

Thinking back on the love-hate relationship I had with my little sister growing up and how we were masters of getting under each other’s skin, I said, “I stand by that statement.”

I could hear my dad laughing, and then he said, “Yeah, you two were like oil and water at certain points, which is strange since y’all are so much alike. I remember when we told you that we could not take her back, you tried to convince me to only let her stay on the back porch.”

My mom then said, “You certainly were the most defiant toddler out of the three. I could not tell you anything. I could tell you the sky was blue and you would look me square in the eyes and say it was green. There would be times when I would be sitting on the front porch about to pull my hair out waiting for your father to come home because I didn’t know what to do with you after a day full of timeouts and spankings. Even though you were extremely difficult at that age, I was grateful for it. It meant you would not take no for an answer and I would not have to worry about you later in life. I knew that if you set your mind on something, you would accomplish it come hell or high water.”

After pausing to let it sink in, my mom continued, “I guess what I am trying to allude to, is that regardless of what is on the outside, you are still you. You still have your defiant personality. Once you get better and can come home and settle in, I’m sure you will be coming up with a plan. Can you try to stay positive for me?”

I said, “OK.”

My mom embraced me in a tight hug, kissed me on top of my head, and said, “That’s all I could ask of you.”

A few moments later, Abby walked in to flush my feeding tube. After flushing my feeding tube, she asked, “Is there anything else I can do for you, Will?”

Thinking about when I got the last dose of pain medicine and not wanting to be woken up in the middle of the night due to pain, I asked, “Can I get some more pain medicine?”

Abby responded, “Certainly, I will be right back.”

As Abby was getting the medicine, I honestly thought to myself, that even though I didn’t want to deal with the pain during the middle of the night, I mainly wanted something to put me to sleep so I didn’t have to deal with the waking nightmare that was this day anymore. Abby walked back in and injected me with the medicine and before she left, she said, “You all have a good night.”

My mom responded, “Good night, Abby.”

My mom squeezed the front of my diaper and said, “This diaper can probably hold a lot more, but let’s get you changed into a dry one for the night.”

Since I was about to be changed, I decided to try and empty my bladder. I was shocked and surprised by how much I wet myself despite not having to go at all. As my mom was laying me down to start changing my diaper, I was asleep before she even got the tapes undone.

I awoke in the middle of the night to my body pushing out a mudslide into my diaper. It was fairly loose and I could feel it working its way through the back of my diaper. I could then feel it coming out of the leg-gathers onto my thighs and out the top of the back and getting all over my lower back. Once my body was done, it took all my power to not burst into tears as I was helplessly lying in my waste. Looking over to my right, I could see that my dad was sleeping on the couch. Teary-eyed, I started to try and wake him up by saying, “Dad, … Dad, … Dad, … Daaadd!”

I could then see him stirring, then he slowly got up and made his way over to me. In a groggy voice, he said, “Will, what’s the …, oh, let’s get you changed,” as his face twisted up at the smell.

As soon as he pulled back the covers, he could see that this wasn’t going to be a simple diaper change, there was poop everywhere. He said, “I’m going to call the nurse, you are going to need a bath.”

All I could do was nod my head as he pressed the call button and took off my poop-stained gown. Sarah walked in as my dad started attacking the mess outside of my diaper with wipes. Before Sarah could even ask, my dad said, “Could you run a bath for Will, he had a bad diaper blowout.”

I see her nod and then head into the bathroom. My dad quickly finished cleaning my legs and then opened my diaper. Just by looking at his face, I could tell that the inside of my diaper was a complete disaster. Without removing the diaper from under me, he used handfuls of wipes to clean the front of me. He then said, “I’m going to lay you on your stomach so I can clean your back and butt.”

He picked me up by my armpits, then laid me back down on a clean spot on the bed. As he was using wipe after wipe on my back and butt, I could see a pair of legs walk into my view. From above me, I hear Sarah say, “The bath is ready for Will, do you need help getting him into the tub?”

My dad said, “Yes if you could handle his I.V., I think I got him clean enough so that the bath can take care of the rest.”

A moment later, I was in the air and held out in front of my dad by my armpits as my body just dangled. I could see over my dad’s shoulder and the damage done to the bed. There was poop covering the incontinent pad and the surrounding sheets. I could see the open pooped filled diaper and a mountain of used wipe beside it. As he started to make his way to the bathroom, I could see Sarah following behind with my I.V. pole. I could not help but let a few tears start streaming down my face at the sheer embarrassment of the mess I made and the way I was being held completely naked. 

Once in the bathroom, I was promptly placed in the bath chair. Sarah said, “I’ll take care of the bed while you’re giving Will a bath.”

My dad responded, “Thank you, Sarah.”

She nodded and walked out of the bathroom. My dad looked down at me and said, “Will, it's OK, there is no reason to be embarrassed or upset.”

I just nodded as he took a cup of bath water to wet my upper body and started scrubbing me from the neck down with a washcloth. By the time he started rinsing me off, I was able to get my emotions under control. Sarah walked back into the bathroom and said, “There are clean sheets on the bed along with a diaper and gown for Will. Do you need any help getting him ready for bed?”

“No, I think I got it from here. Thank you for your help,” my dad said.

Sarah responded, “No problem at all. Hopefully, you both can get some sleep for the rest of the night.”

As they were talking, curiosity got the best of me and I decided that I was finally ready to get a good look at my new downstairs. Looking over my stomach, I got a good look at my new privates. It was so strange to see a vagina from this point of view. Other than 4 of my ex-girlfriends and Ellis, when I would help out and change her diaper or bath her, this would be the only other one I saw in person. As I was placing one of my hands down to feel the difference, I heard my dad say, “Now Will, no funny business while I’m giving you a bath.”

My hand shot back up and with wide eyes, I said, “It’s not what it looks like.”

My dad started laughing and said, “I’m just messy with you, I would be curious too if I was in your position.”

“Yeah, it’s strange. I feel like I’m looking at Ellis from her perspective if that makes sense,” I responded.

He said, “I get it. Looking at you right now, I have to catch myself from thinking that you are Marley when she was a toddler.”

Pausing for a moment, I said, “For once in my life, I think that I am glad that I’m single right now. I could not take it if one of my exes were trying to mommy me.”

With a smile, my dad said, “If you were still dating Deborah, your mother and I would probably have to fight her off from trying to adopt you. You are as cute as a button now.”

“Yeah, it was weird seeing myself in the mirror last night. It was like I was looking at someone else,” I said.

He responded, “I imagine it would take some getting used to. As much as I like our midnight chat, let’s get you back in bed so you can get some more rest for tomorrow.”

I nodded my head as he lifted me out of the tub and laid me on a towel that was spread out on the floor. He dried me off, then swaddled me in the towel. Picking me back up, he held me so that my butt was resting on his forearm and I was leaning against him with my head resting on his shoulder. With his free hand, he grabbed the I.V. pole and walked out of the bathroom back to my bed.

As I was being laid down in bed, I could see the fresh sheets along with a folded diaper and gown sitting on top. My dad unwrapped me from the towel, taped a diaper around my waist then dressed me in a clean gown. He repositioned me in bed so that I was laying on a new incontinent pad, then pulled the covers up and tucked me in. After plugging back in my I.V. pump, he kissed me on the forehead and said, “Get some rest Will, I love you.”

I let out a big yawn, then said, “I love you, too.”

It didn’t take long after closing my eyes for me to fall back to sleep.

I wake up to someone rubbing my chest. I open my eyes and see that my mom is looking down at me. With a smile, she said, “Good morning, Will. Abby needs to weigh and measure you.”

I said, “Morning,” and looked to my left to see that Abby was starting my feeding bag and replacing my I.V. fluids bag.

Abby looked down at me and said, “Good morning, Will, ready to get weighed and measured?”

I nodded my head, then she picked me up and laid me on the scale. She said, “Looks like you weigh twenty-seven pounds and one ounce, and you are thirty-six and three-eighths of an inch tall.”

She picked me back up and laid me down in bed. She said, “I will be back in a little bit.”

My mom then sat on the bed and asked, “Will, do you want to try and sit up on your own?”

I nodded my head yes, and then using my arms and abdominal muscles, I used all my strength to push myself up into a sitting position. As I was catching my breath, my mom excitedly said, “Good job Will! I’m so proud of you.”

I just nodded my head as I got my breathing under control. Once I was sitting up, I found it to be much easier than yesterday, but about 10 minutes in, my muscles were starting to get tired. Deciding to conserve my energy some, so that I could work on sitting up more often, I laid back down in bed. Looking up my mom was smiling down at me and said, “You did wonderful, Will.”

“Yeah, I could have sat up longer, but decided to save my energy to work on it more often,” I said.

A few minutes later, Abby walked back in and flushed my feeding tube. She said, “Do you need anything, Will? One of your doctors should be seeing you soon.”

I shook my head no. After Abby left, I found myself getting lost in thought as I watched the TV that was playing in the background. At some point, the one thing that I disliked most about needing diapers made itself known, I needed to poop. Knowing that I had no choice, I didn’t try to hold it and was surprised that my body quickly started to push it out on its own. I did my best to try and block out the disgusting feelings as the back of my diaper filled and smushed against my bottom as my bladder released.

Once I was completely done soiling myself, I turned to my mom, and with a face as red as a tomato, I said, “Uh, mom?”

“Yes honey,” my mom responded.

“I … sort of … need a change,” I stuttered out.

My mom hopped up out of the chair and said, “Sure thing, sweety.”

I watched as she grabbed a diaper and a tub of wipes off of the counter and walked back over to my bedside. She moved me so that my legs were pointing towards her and pushed my gown out of the way. Once my diaper was untapped and the front lowered down, I could smell the purged contents of my diaper fill the air. My mom worked fast to wipe off the poop that was caked onto my bottom and pulled the used diaper from under me to ball up. As my mom was taping on the new diaper, I could see Dr. Kutner walk in. I tried my best not to blush as my mom moved me back to how I was originally laying. 

As my mom was throwing away my used diaper, Dr. Kutner said, “Good morning, Will, how are you feeling today?”

“I’m OK,” I said.

I could then hear my mom speak up as she was taking a seat beside me on the bed, “Will, you need to be honest with Dr. Kutner.” She then turned to Dr. Kutner, and said, “Will is having a hard time coping with all of the changes. He had a meltdown yesterday afternoon, then cried himself to sleep.”

Dr. Kutner took a seat at the end of my bed and said, “Will, it is understandable that this is a lot to take and is life-changing for you. All these changes can cause you to have an identity crisis. I have kept someone up to speed on your case that I would like for you to talk to this afternoon. She can help you if you are willing to be honest with her about your feelings. Can you do that for me?”

“OK,” I quietly said.

“Thank you, Will. Dr. Cameron told me that you were sitting up on your own yesterday. How has that been going?” Dr. Kutner asked.

“It's been going OK. I was able to sit up from laying down on my own and able to stay up for ten minutes a lot easier than yesterday,” I responded.

With a smile, Dr. Kutner said, “That's great news, … would you like to try standing up today?”

Thinking for a second, I said, “Sure.”

The next thing I knew, I was in my mom’s arms as both she and Dr. Kutner knelt on the floor. With Dr. Kutner, a few feet in front of me, he said, “Elaina, I want you to hold Will under his armpits and slowly allow his legs to support his weight.”

My mom sat me on the floor facing Dr. Kutner, then picked me up by my armpits. Once my bare feet were touching the cold tile floor, she slowly allowed me to support more and more of my weight. The diaper I was wearing was forcing my legs apart slightly and as more weight was being supported by my legs, I started to strain and feel unsteady. At one point, I was supporting all of my weight with all of my might, but if it was not for my mom keeping her hands around my torso for balance, I would have easily fallen. My legs were so shaky, that I felt like a newborn baby deer.

I heard my mom say, “Good job, Will, you are standing on your own.”

Dr. Kutner then said, “Will, try taking a step.”

Gritting my teeth, I began to lift my right foot up. As soon as my foot left the floor, my left leg gave out and I began to collapse forward. I closed my eyes, my arms started to flail, and I let out a high-pitched shriek as I fell to the ground. Large hands gripped around my torso and the next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and I was sitting in my mom’s lap as she was sitting cross-legged on the floor. I felt my mom kissing the top of my head, as she said, “That was a great first try, sweety.”

Dr. Kutner said, “You are doing great Will, let’s try again, but Elaina, can you help support about half of Will’s weight this time.”

I felt myself being picked back up by my armpits, then my feet were touching the floor again. With my mom supporting half of my body weight, I did find it easier to keep my legs steady. I then heard my mom say, “Alright Will, I got you, let’s give it another try.”

Gritting my teeth again, I lifted my right foot again. I was incredibly unstable but was able to plant my right foot forward. The bulk of my diaper was causing me to have to adjust my gait. At a painstakingly slow pace, I was able to take about 10 steps before my legs gave out. I was then up in the air and in my mom’s arms as she stood up.

Hugging me tight in her arms, she said, “Honey, you’re doing so good.”

I just nodded my head into her upper chest as I was getting my breathing under control. I lifted my head up and could see that my dad was standing nearby with his phone out. I said, “Please tell me you are not taking videos and pictures and posting them on Facebook?”

My dad quickly responded, “No Will, I’m sharing this with close family only and I made them swear not to post anything online without your say-so.”

“Good, I'm not really looking to go viral as a sideshow attraction,” I said.

I felt a pop on my rear, then my mom said in a stern voice as I looked up at her, “Will, you're not a sideshow attraction. I don’t want you thinking of yourself like that, OK.”

Wide-eyed, I said, “OK, mom.”

Dr. Kutner said, “Will, the hospital, and your family have been keeping everything about your stay here as private as possible. You're still an adult and have the right to privacy.”

“Thanks,” I said.

“You did good this morning, Will. George and Elaina, I am going to let the nurse know to help out too, but on top of Will working on sitting up, I would like for you all to help him with walking like we did this morning too. Getting some independence quickly will help him cope with all of the changes better. We will see how it goes over the next few days, but he most likely will need some PT and OT at some point. Do you have any questions?” Dr. Kutner asked.

My dad said, “No, not right now.”

Feeling pain in my joints in my legs from all the straining, I asked, “Can I get some more pain medicine? All that moving around was really hurting my legs.”

Dr. Kutner said, “Certainly Will, It shouldn’t be too much later until you should be OK without pain medicine as the physical regression slows down more. I would let the nurse know on my way out and I will get a session scheduled for this afternoon with your therapist.”

My mom said, “Thank you, Dr. Kutner.”

With a smile, Dr. Kutner said, “You all have a good rest of your day.”

As he was walking out of the room, my mom laid me down in bed. As she was pulling the covers up, she said, “You did really well this morning, Will, I’m proud of you.”

I said, “I guess so, I feel like an infant learning how to walk.”

With a frown, she said, “You know how to walk, it's just a matter of building up your strength. I bet by next week, you will be able to walk some on your own.”

“I hope so,” I said.

As she kissed me on the forehead, she said, “I know so.”

Abby walked in with a syringe and said, “I hear a certain someone was walking so much that he is sore and needs some pain medicine.”

Deciding to humor her, I said, “Yeah, I guess that is me.”

She then injected the medicine into my I.V. and said, “I will be back around noon unless you all need me for anything else.”

My mom said, “Thank you, Abby.”

Exhausted and getting sleepy from the pain medicine, it only took minutes for me to fall asleep.

[Kaiko-chan]

Taking things in stride like a trooper.

[Craisler]

Unless Will is exceptionally limber and can get his head down between his legs, technically, he can’t see his vagina. He’s actually looking at his vulva. I’m enjoying the story and waiting for him to start working on his iPad or computer. 

[LGGrace]

11 hours ago, Kaiko-chan said:

Taking things in stride like a trooper.

I think he is doing pretty well, too.  The diapers and relearning how to walk along would be a devastating blow to most people's ego.

19 minutes ago, Craisler said:

Unless Will is exceptionally limber and can get his head down between his legs, technically, he can’t see his vagina. He’s actually looking at his vulva.

I agree, even though Will is familiar enough with the female anatomy, he and a lot of people would just think vagina in general unless they are being pacific.  Just like with the male anatomy, people think penis and testicles, and the scrotum is an afterthought.

42 minutes ago, Craisler said:

I’m enjoying the story and waiting for him to start working on his iPad or computer. 

Thanks for the comment.  Unfortunately, that is a little ways off.  A lot of plot and character development before Will is ready to pick up the pieces.

[Craisler]

Understand.  I sometimes have difficulty keeping track of the timeline. A week of my time waiting for the next chapter is only a day or half day in Will’s time.  I know that I’d get bored out of my mind just lying in bed or watching TV.  At some point, I’d expect him to be asking for his father’s cell phone to get some more intelligent entertainment.  At least his reduced fingers will better be able to handle the small keyboard on the cell phone.  The character development is what makes this story so interesting, so I’m more than willing to wait and see how things play out.

[kerry]

This is a fairly minor thing, but I keep wondering when the issue of a new name will come up. It would be odd for a toddler girl to go by "Will," after all.

[BabySofia]

17 minutes ago, kerry said:

This is a fairly minor thing, but I keep wondering when the issue of a new name will come up.

I've had the same thought, I'm guessing they've held back due to the high level of trauma already. As they get to walking again and being more mobile I would expect it to come up for certain? This was really the first chapter Will addressed their new parts much. It was also a lot more convivial of a chapter with Will's dad about the whole 'tragedy.' 

[LGGrace]

23 hours ago, Craisler said:

Understand.  I sometimes have difficulty keeping track of the timeline. A week of my time waiting for the next chapter is only a day or half day in Will’s time.  

The character development is what makes this story so interesting, so I’m more than willing to wait and see how things play out.

I run into the same problem when reading others' stories too.

Thank you. 

51 minutes ago, kerry said:

This is a fairly minor thing, but I keep wondering when the issue of a new name will come up. It would be odd for a toddler girl to go by "Will," after all.

33 minutes ago, BabySofia said:

I've had the same thought, I'm guessing they've held back due to the high level of trauma already. As they get to walking again and being more mobile I would expect it to come up for certain? This was really the first chapter Will addressed their new parts much. It was also a lot more convivial of a chapter with Will's dad about the whole 'tragedy.' 

I was hoping to get to it in this chapter with the therapist but wanted to keep the chapters under 5k words and not 7k to 8k.  The next chapter will take a more head-on approach.

I began writing this story as plot-driven like Kill Bill Vol 1, but as I write, I find myself gravitating to it being character-driven with dialogue (and internal dialogue) like Kill Bill Vol 2.  I have a feeling that this story may end up being longer than I planned since I still need to cover the same plot.

Sofia, you taught me a new word, I had to look up convivial!

I may have enough motivation to get chapter 15 done this weekend and post it tomorrow night.

[BabySofia]

4 minutes ago, LGGrace said:

Sofia, you taught me a new word, I had to look up convivial!

Oops... I'm exhausted today, and my word salad tends to come out most in those times! 🤣 

[LGGrace]

 

I was aiming to have this chapter posted last night, but that was before I found out Dune Part Two is now on HBO Max. 😆

Chapter 15

I woke to my mom gently shaking my shoulder.  Looking up at her she smiled and said, “Hey sweety, we need to go see your therapist soon.”

Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I said, “OK.”

My mom pulled the covers back, felt the front of my diaper, and said, “You are just a little damp, you should be good until after your appointment is over.”

All I could do was sigh at my mom’s comment.  I was then hoisted up onto my mom’s hip and I could see my dad getting the I.V. pole while holding a small tote bag.  My mom then said, “We cleared it with the nurses and will be taking you to your appointment in a different part of the hospital.  I think a change in scenery will be good for you.”

I just nodded my head as my mom carried me out of the room with my dad following behind with my I.V. pole.  I could see that the nurses' station was right outside my room as we made our way down the corridor to the elevator.  After getting off the elevator, we went down a maze of corridors until we arrived at the entrance of an office space with a sign that read ‘Department of Psychology’.  We walked into what looked like a small waiting room and approached the receptionist. 

My mom said, “Hello, we have a two o’clock appointment for William Gauss with Dr. Reynolds.”

The receptionist replied, “I will let Dr. Reynolds know that you are here.  If you could please wait in the waiting area, she will be with you soon.”

My mom said, “Thank you.”

During the entire interaction, I couldn’t help but notice that she kept looking at me and smiling.  I guess she thinks I’m just a toddler.  My parents and I made it over to a row of chairs and my mom took a seat with me sitting in her lap.  My mom looked down at me and said, “Honey, can you be honest with the therapist?  I know you tend to put on a brave face and say that you are OK, even when you are not.  She is not going to judge you, so you can tell her anything you want, good or bad.  Anything you say will be between you and her.”

I shook my head yes and said, “OK.”

The next thing I know, someone is saying, “William Gauss,” from across the room.  My parents stand up with me back on my mom’s hip and as we are making our way across the room, I see that it is a woman in her early forties with light brown hair and eyes.  With a smile, she said, “You must be Mr. and Mrs. Gauss,” then looking directly at me, “ and you must be the famous Will that I heard so much about.  I’m Dr. Reynolds, but you can call me Denise.”

I nodded and said, “Nice to meet you.”

With a wave of her hand, Denise said, “Follow me to my office, please.”

Walking down a short hallway, we entered Denise's office.  Looking around, it looks like a typical large office, with half dedicated to a large desk with bookshelves lining the walls and the other half set up into a sitting area with a large couch, to armchairs that surround a coffee table.  Denise said, “Let Will sit on the couch.  I understand that he is having trouble with sitting and standing, so let’s make him as comfortable as possible.”

My mom carried me over to the couch and placed me on one end where I was wedged in the corner to help keep me upright.  With a kiss on my forehead she said, “Good luck, sweetheart.  If you need a change at any point just let Denise know and I will come and change you.”

Blushing a little, I just nodded my head.  My dad moved my I.V. pole beside the couch and set down the small tote bag he was carrying. He kissed me on the forehead and said, “Love you, Will, we will be outside when you are ready.”

I watched as Denise let them out of the room and then shut the door behind them.  She walked back over and took a seat next to me on the couch.  She was average size for a woman, but I instantly found myself intimidated by her when compared to my new size and instinctively drew my knees up to my chest.  Denise asked, “Will, are you alright?”

Looking up at her, I said, “Yeah, it’s just that everyone and everything is kind of intimidating now.”

“I can move to a chair if that would make you feel more comfortable,” she said.

I responded, “No, it’s OK.  I guess it's just that I don’t have any vivid memories from when I was this small so I don’t have anything to ground myself to right now.  The world was a scary enough place when I was six foot, but now it seems a lot more scary.”

“That is understandable, what do you think would make you feel less scared?” she asked.

I said, “I don’t know, I guess just time would probably help.”

“Time would probably help the most, but if you find that you are still having any anxiety from this, we can work on some grounding techniques that could help too.”  Pausing for a second she then said, “I am free for the rest of the afternoon, so we can talk about anything you need to talk about for as long as you need.”

I nodded my head and then after a few seconds of thinking, I decided that I had nothing to lose at this point and just bared my soul to her.  I told her everything.  I told her about my fear for my future and what I was supposed to do with the rest of my life.  I told her about my issues with the changes to my body and how people perceive me now.  I told her how I’m not even sure how I am supposed to perceive myself now.  I told how I hated that I needed diapers and shitting myself all the time.  I told her about my fear of trying to potty train and my fear of failing at something that is supposed to be fundamental to anyone 3 years old or older.  I told her about my loss of independence and anger at having to rely on others.

At one point, I had wet myself and had to circle back around and rant about wetting my diaper in front of her.  After about an hour and a half of talking, I think I finally got all my fear and anger out of my system, that was the word vomit that Denise had to listen to.

Looking over at her, I see that she has been taking notes on a legal pad.  She paused for a moment then said, “I understand that this is all very life-changing for you.  Your fear of what to do about your future and life plans is justified.  I think the best thing you can do for yourself is focus on the here and now.  Focus on getting your mobility back would do wonders for your outlook on life.  I see that you were going to grad school for applied math and based on your I.Q. scores, you are still very intelligent and should have no problems pursuing something in that field.  You will need to adjust your plans on how you do it due to your physical needs, but I still see that you would be capable down the road.  But your focus right now should be on getting healthy and then working on future goals.  Does that make sense to you?”

“Yes, get out of the hospital first before thinking about future plans,” I said.

With a smile, she said, “Very good, the second main item you were talking about is incontinent. I worked with plenty of patients who suffer from being incontinent.  I know it can be embarrassing to have to deal with, but millions of people suffer from it and need some form of protection.  There is one advantage that you have that most adults do not.  Even though you are an adult you do appear to be two years old.  Nobody is going to bat an eye if they accidentally see that you are wearing a diaper.  I guess that leads us to the next item about people perceiving you as a small child.  Honestly, you will probably have most people think that you are a toddler, but if you want to look on the bright side; that means most people will underestimate you and you can use that to your advantage when pursuing your goals down the road.”

Taking a deep breath, she said, “This leads to the issue you are having with your gender identity.  It sounds like, before all the changes, you had no problem with being born male and being a guy, right?”

“Yes,” I said.

“And being intersex now with female genitals is causing you to question your gender?”

“Yes,” I repeated.

“That is understandable, the vast majority of people are perfectly happy with the gender that aligns with the sex they were born as.  For a small minority, that is not the case and they identify as transgender or nonbinary.  There are also people who are born intersex that either have both male and female attributes or a mixture of both and have to choose which gender they align with.  In your case, there is no problem if you want to still be a boy if you want to.  You also have the opportunity to explore being a girl or gender-neutral if you want to,” she said.

Thinking for a moment, I said, “I guess I can think about the boy and girl options.  I'm going to probably have to pass on the gender-neutral option, I struggle enough as it is with using they, them pronouns and gender-neutral vernacular properly.”

“That is a very big step for you.  I want to see you again tomorrow, but think about it and if you can, talk to your parents,” Denise said.

I nodded my head as she stood up and said, “I'm going to go get your parents, I will be right back.”

I watched as she walked out, then a few minutes later, she returned with my parents.  My mom picked me up and as she placed a hand on my bottom, I could feel it squish against her hand.  She whispered to me, “I will change you as soon as we get back to your room.”

I nodded my head and rested it on her shoulder.  As my dad was getting my I.V. pole and the tote bag, Denise said, “I will see you tomorrow, Will.”

I said, “OK,” and then my mom said, “Thank you, Denise.”

As we were heading back to my room, I found myself lost in thought.  Thinking back to my childhood, I remember one of the biggest insults as a boy was to be called a girl, to be told you threw like a girl, ran like a girl, or to stop crying like a little girl.  The other big one was to be called gay or a fag. 

I then found myself thinking about how it seems that if a guy did anything remotely feminine or wore anything feminine or perceived as feminine his manhood could be called into question by both men and women, but the opposite would rarely happen.

Am I considering going against what has been drilled into me my whole life?  Should I just sleep on it tonight?

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard a woman say, “Hey, cutie.”

I then realized that I was in an elevator and as I had been staring off into space, I had been staring at this woman.  I simply replied, “Hi.”

Smiling, she said, “How old are you, sweety?”

Before I could even stop myself, I shot off, “Old enough to fight and fuck.”

I see a shocked look on her face as I hear my dad start busting out laughing.  The next thing I knew, I was looking at the back of the elevator as my mom turned to address the women.

My mom said, “Sorry, my son is actually twenty-seven and has been having a rough time for the past month and a half.”

I then hear the woman say, “Well, looking at his sagging diaper, he still has not got the hang of going to the potty yet.”

I felt my mom’s body tense up as she said, “My child has been in a coma for over a month and just woke up and is relearning how to sit and walk again, so the potty is low on the priority list right now,” as the doors to the elevator opened.

My mom steps off, followed by my dad who is trying to regain his composure.  I hear my mom mumble, “What a bitch.”

I then said, “Yeah, she was a real see you next Tuesday.”

My mom asked, “What does that mean?”

As we were entering my room, I said, “It means cunt.”

My mom laid me down on the bed and looked down at me with a stern facial expression.  At that moment I could not help but feel incredibly small under her gaze.  I felt like drawing my limbs inward towards my body.  In an irritated voice, she said, “I understand that it’s frustrating for people to mistake you for a small child, but you can’t go off cursing and saying smartass comments to strangers.”

While tapping on my forehead with her index finger, she said, “The people that matter know you are an adult up here.”

I couldn’t help at that moment, but to shut my eyes and let out a small whimper.  My mom has been way madder at me in the past, but she seemed so intimidating to me at that moment.  I open my eyes and see that the color has drained from my mom’s face.  In a quiet, concerned voice, she asked, “Will, am I scaring you?”

I just nodded my head.  She scooped me up in her arms and held me tightly.  As she was rubbing my back, she said, “I am so sorry, Will.  I didn’t realize how scary everything can be to you now.  Can you forgive me?”

I just nodded my head into her shoulder.  She then laid me back down and after kissing me on the forehead said, “Let’s get you in a dry diaper.”

She then pushed my gown up to my chest.  As she was un-taping my diaper, my dad set a new diaper and wipes beside me and said with a smile, “Don’t listen to your mother, that was the funniest thing you said in over a month.”

I just rolled my eyes at my dad’s attempt to make a joke.  My mom quickly wiped the pee off me and fastened a dry diaper around my waist.  I watched as she threw the wet diaper away and washed her hands.  Walking back over to me she asked, “Do you want to work on sitting up some more?”

I just nodded my head, and then with a great deal of force, I was able to sit up.  After about 15 minutes, I was getting very tired again and collapsed onto my back.  My mom then picked me up and then sat in bed with me in her lap.  She wrapped a blanket around me and ran her fingers through my hair as we just sat and watched TV.  At some point, Abby came in and started my evening feeding.  Shortly after the feeding bag was empty I ended up pooping my diaper.  After a diaper change and a dose of pain medicine, I slept through the rest of the night.

I woke up the next morning to my leg being pushed up to my chest.  I open my eyes and see that my mom is in the middle of changing my diaper.  With a smile, she said, “Good morning Will,  Abby will be here soon and your diaper was soaked.”

I just said, “Morning.”

My mom finished changing me into a dry diaper, and then a few minutes later Abby walked in with the scale on a cart.  As she was starting my feeding bag, she looked down at me and said, “Good morning, Will.”

I replied, “Morning.”

She then said, “Let’s get your height and weight.”

I just nodded as she picked me up and laid me down on the scale.  She then said, “Looks like you weigh twenty-six pounds and fourteen ounces, and you are thirty-six inches tall.”

She then sat me back down on the bed sitting up.  I decided I might as well get some exercise, so I remained sitting.  She said, “I will be back in a little bit.”

After Abby left, I found myself getting nervous about the conversation that I was about to have with my parents.  I thought about it all last night and after sleeping on it, I knew I would need to bring it up to my parents.  I felt my palms getting a little sweaty and I could already feel myself getting embarrassed.  Taking in a deep breath, I said, “Mom, Dad, I have a question.”

My mom said, “Sure, what is your question?”

Pausing for a moment and with a gulp, I asked, “What would y’all have named me if I was born a girl?” as my face turned cherry red.

[Craisler]

Interesting chapter.  I’m curious to see how this plays out.  You’ve laid the ground work for several conflicts and future paths for the story with the obnoxious woman in the elevator and Will potentially exploring his feminine side.

I rather doubt that a psychologist would provide as many direct answers and alternatives as Denise did.  A psychologist’s typical strategy is to ask lots of questions to get the patient to expound on their feelings and think of the alternatives on their own.  I understand that doing it the way you did speeds up the story.

I’m curious as to why Will has a continuing need for the IV.  The only drugs he seems to be getting are the anti-nausea medication and the pain medication.  Both of those are given intermittently, not as a continuous drip and could be administered via an intravenous port.

I’m looking forward to the future installments of the story.

[LGGrace]

2 hours ago, Craisler said:

Interesting chapter.  I’m curious to see how this plays out.  You’ve laid the ground work for several conflicts and future paths for the story with the obnoxious woman in the elevator and Will potentially exploring his feminine side.

I rather doubt that a psychologist would provide as many direct answers and alternatives as Denise did.  A psychologist’s typical strategy is to ask lots of questions to get the patient to expound on their feelings and think of the alternatives on their own.  I understand that doing it the way you did speeds up the story.

I’m curious as to why Will has a continuing need for the IV.  The only drugs he seems to be getting are the anti-nausea medication and the pain medication.  Both of those are given intermittently, not as a continuous drip and could be administered via an intravenous port.

I’m looking forward to the future installments of the story.

Thanks for the comment.  I also hope to bring out more flaws in my characters to make them more human.  I agree that the woman was obnoxious but Will was being a dick too.  Like Will, I had a nicer scene planned, but could not help myself. 🤣

Yeah, Denise was a little more direct, than what I have seen.  But Will needed a push and I'm trying to keep this story under 100 chapters.

Will is still getting I.V. fluids, I just only have written the nurse changing out the bag once since he woke up.  He also only needs a fraction of what he needed before, but the bags are still a liter in size.

[Kaiko-chan]

So it seems like she will be getting s new name. It'll definetly help with blending. Sad to say that if she kept her name as well they're would be a lot more ppl like the mean elevator lady. 

[kerry]

18 hours ago, LGGrace said:

I was aiming to have this chapter posted last night, but that was before I found out Dune Part Two is now on HBO Max. 😆

I think that is a perfect reason. 🙂

[Craisler]

It occurred to me after I sent the comment that the IV could be fluids/electrolytes since Will hadn’t been able to drink water since before going in the coma. 

To me, his smartass response seemed to come out of the blue since just minutes earlier he’d been feeling overwhelmed and afraid due to his reduced size and physical dependence on others.  It also seems like his “secret” just got exposed outside the closed circle of need to know people in such a way that it could have serious repercussions. 

How was Dune part 2?  Does this movie finish the book or do we have to wait for part 3 and 4?

[LGGrace]

14 hours ago, Kaiko-chan said:

So it seems like she will be getting s new name. It'll definetly help with blending. Sad to say that if she kept her name as well they're would be a lot more ppl like the mean elevator lady. 

Hopefully, I do a good job in the next chapter explaining Will's reasoning behind his choices.

5 hours ago, kerry said:

I think that is a perfect reason. 🙂

Yes, the new movies do the book justice.  I watched the 84 version a few years ago and could definitely see why it was a flop.

3 hours ago, Craisler said:

To me, his smartass response seemed to come out of the blue since just minutes earlier he’d been feeling overwhelmed and afraid due to his reduced size and physical dependence on others.  It also seems like his “secret” just got exposed outside the closed circle of need to know people in such a way that it could have serious repercussions. 

How was Dune part 2?  Does this movie finish the book or do we have to wait for part 3 and 4?

Without giving away any spoilers, Will's behavior is going to be questionable at times.

It was really good.  There were a few differences from the book, but I think that it made it better for a movie format.  It does finish the first book, but they plan on making a part 3 that covers the second book Dune Messiah.  I think that it could be on par with the LOTR movie trilogy.  HBO then plans on making the 3 and 4 books, Children of Dune and God Emperor into TV series.

[LGGrace]

I just want to thank everyone who has liked and commented on my story so far.  I would have written it regardless, but it does help motivate me to write faster.  I was tired of this story living rent-free in my head for almost 2 years.  I was blown away this morning at the amount of views since posting chapter 15 Monday afternoon.  As of this chapter, I am just over 100 pages in Word and it looks to be shaping up to be somewhere between 600 and 700 pages long.  So there is a lot more to come.

Chapter 16

Red-faced, I looked at both my parents as they looked at me and then at each other.  I watched as they both got up and took a seat on either side of me.  My mom said, “Back when I was pregnant with you, we had to wait until you were far enough along for the ultrasound to be able to determine if you were a boy or a girl.  It is not like today when the blood tests are pretty accurate.  If you were a boy, we would have named you William after your great-grandfather on my side of the family.  But if you were a girl, we would have named you Grace after your grandma’s middle name.”

She then picked me up and sat me in her lap, looking down at me, she said, “Your father and I knew at some point that we would need to have this conversation with you.  Can you tell us what’s going on up here,” as she tapped me on my temple.

I looked up at my dad and could see that he was looking back down at me.  When our eyes met, he gave me a gentle smile.  I looked down at my lap and said, “Uh…, I have been thinking over everything last night, and even though I don’t like any of my options,…,”  I took a hard swallow, “I think my only option is to be a girl now.”

I could feel my ears burning at that statement.  I felt my mom place her hand under my chin and lift it so that I was looking at her.  She said, “Will, we will support any decision that you make.  But it doesn’t seem like you are too happy about it.  You can still be a boy if you want to.  Nobody has to know that you have girl parts now.”

She gently released my chin and then grabbed one of my hands.  I looked back down at my lap and said, “There is one thing that I learned since waking up; my new privates have been anything but private.  If I try to stay a boy, I feel like I would be at a constant risk of being exposed as the girl pretending to be a boy and being ridiculed for it.”

My dad said, “I don’t think anyone would make fun of you because of that.”

I giggled a little at what my dad said and responded, “Dad, I think most people would think that.  It’s not like there are transgender toddlers and if there were, I would really question the parents’ judgment and motives.”

With a chuckle, my dad said, “I guess you are right, but you don’t seem too happy about being a girl either.”

With a sigh, I said, “No, I’m not.  It's not like I asked for any of this.  But, I feel like people who knew me before will make fun of me for deciding to be a girl now.”

“No one will make fun of you, Will,” my mom said.

I responded, “I don’t know, Stanley made fun of me over Christmas break for just wearing some joggers that were a little tight and a slightly oversized long-sleeve shirt.  He said I looked like I was dressed like a sorority girl.  What will he say when I am dressed like a toddler girl.”

“You know Stanley, he always has to rib you for something anytime you two are together.  But this is different, he and the rest of the family know that you may have to make a difficult choice and that whatever choice you make is not to be made lightly.  The people in your life that matter will not make fun of you,” my dad said.

Pausing for a moment to think, I said, “I guess you're right.  I know that this is the right decision, but there's still a voice in the back of my head saying that you were raised a boy, what are you doing?  I guess I still feel like I should be embarrassed or ashamed.”

My mom said, “Sweety, you have nothing to be ashamed of.  Your father and I will love you no matter what.  I'm sure, it could be a little awkward at first for you, but you should not feel embarrassed.”

I just nodded my head.  My dad then said, “So, Will, what name do you want to go by?”

I paused for a second then said, “Y’all are my parents, should it not be up to you two.”

With a smile, my dad said, “I guess you’re right.  Well, your first name would be Grace, then your middle name is Charles so I guess to keep it simple, how about Charlotte.”

I hear my mom above me say, “Grace Charlotte Gauss, that is a pretty name, what do you think sweety,” as she kissed the top of my head.

I mulled it over in my head a few times and then said, “It’s a nice name, but I think it will take getting used to.”

My dad leaned down and after kissing me on top of my head, said, “I’m sure it will.”

“Can y’all not make me wear anything girly at first?”  I pleaded.

My mom wrapped her arms around me in a hug and said, “Sure, sweety.  Don’t feel pressured.”

I nodded my head, then said, “And I swear to God, if you try and dress me in any of those ridiculous rompers that I see Katie dress Ellis in, I will pitch a fit.”

Both my parents started laughing, and then my dad said, “We promise, but your mom may try and bribe you every now and then to wear certain outfits.”

Rolling my eyes, “It better be a good bribe for the cost of my dignity.”

With a gentle squeeze, my mom said, “I will make it worth your while, and no matter what you wear you will be adorable.”

Sarcastically, I said, “Jeez, thanks for reminding me.”

My mom then lifted me off her lap into her arm to where I was looking face to face with her.  “So, Grace.  Are you OK with your new name?”

Looking into my mom's eyes, I said, “I think so.  It feels wrong but I guess it kind of feels right too.”

With a smile, she said, “That’s good to hear.  And guess what?”

“What,” I asked.

With an even bigger smile, she said, “You are adorable and I have been wanting to do this since you woke up.”

The next thing I know, my mom is attacking my face with a barrage of kisses.  I tried my best to worm my way out of her arms and push her face away but to no avail.  I called out, “Dad, help me.”

Out of breath, I was laid down on the bed and I could see my dad looking down at me grinning from ear to ear.  He then said, “Now, it’s my turn.”

Wide-eyed, I watched as he launched into his own attack of kisses on me.  I couldn't help but flail my limbs and giggle.  At one point, I could feel my diaper start to get warm.  Once he stopped, I looked at him with a shocked expression.  With a look of concern, he asked, “What’s wrong, Grace?”

Embarrassed and still finding my new name a little unnerving, red-faced, I said, “I think I just peed myself.”

He picked me up in his arms and said, “Sweety, it’s OK and you have nothing to be embarrassed about.  Your mother and I will help you try to potty train once you get better, but for now, any accidents or the bathroom should not be on your radar right now.”

I just nodded my head and then he squeezed the front of my diaper and said, “It does feel like you may have wet yourself a little bit, but these diapers will keep you feeling dry.”

I then could see Abby and Dr. Taub walk into the room.  Abby quickly took care of flushing my feeding tube as Dr. Taub greeted us, “How are you doing this morning, Will?”

Still embarrassed over the conversation that I just had with my parents, I could not bring myself to correct him. I said, “I guess I am doing better than yesterday.”

Smiling, he said, “That is wonderful news.”

My mom then said, “We have been talking this morning and Will, well, now Grace decided that he … she thinks it is best for her to be a girl now.”

I could feel my cheeks get hot at my mom’s statement.  I watched as Abby threw away the empty feeding bag, turned around with a smile, and said, “Grace, that is a beautiful name for a beautiful little lady.”

I felt my cheeks get even hotter if that was possible, then Abby said, “I will be back around noon if you all don’t need me beforehand.”

As Abby was leaving, Dr. Taub said, “I know that this was not an easy decision for you to make, but I am glad that you were able to make it on your own.  What is the full name that you want to go by?”

“Uh,... Grace Charlotte Gauss,” I stammered out.

I watched as he started typing on his tablet and said, “I made a note in your chart about the name change.  For medical reasons, we already had in your chart that you are intersex female.”

I just nodded as he took a business card out of his pocket, handed it to my mom, and said to her, “That is the contact information for the hospital’s legal department that will help you all out.”

He then looked at me and said, “I talked to your parents back when you were in a coma, but one thing that we will have to address is all of your identification that needs to be changed.  Regardless of the name change, we would need to update all of your identification to reflect all the changes that happened along with medical documents so that you can fly home once you are well enough.  Our legal department will also help with the name change now, too.”

Thinking about lawyers and God knows what other expenses that I have racked up here, I asked, “How is everything getting paid for?”

My dad started positioning me in his arms so that I could see his face and said, “Sweety, don’t worry about money, just worry about getting better, but if it helps you sleep; you are still getting paid from the university until the end of the semester and you are still getting medical insurance from the university too.”

Dr. Taub then said, “The hospital is covering any medical expenses that your insurance doesn’t cover along with any legal issues that need to be addressed.”

“That’s nice of the hospital, but why?” I asked.

“With us being a research hospital and you being the first known case in the world, we do plan on publishing a case article on you but will keep your identity anonymous.  The only thing we ask in return is that there will be a specialist in Atlanta that you will follow up with and any doctor visits that are not related to your condition be shared with us,” he said.

I responded, “That makes sense.”

“Now that we got that out of the way, how have you been doing physically?” Dr. Taub asked.

My mom responded, “He … She has been doing good sitting up on her own, but yesterday really wiped her out, so we have not tried walking anymore yet.”

“Are you up to trying again?” Dr. Taub asked.

“Sure,” I said.  Then I was up in the air as my dad stood up with me still in his arms.  With his hands under my armpits, he gently lowered me to the floor.  Like yesterday, my leg felt like jello, but I noticed that he was barely supporting any of my weight.  I look over and see that my mom has her phone recording me.  Gritting my teeth, I go to take a step.  It was extremely unbalanced but I was able to take a step almost all on my own.  I slowly took step after step, but once I was going to take my 7th step, my legs gave out.  My dad, seeing me start to fall, quickly hoisted me up in his arms.

My dad hugged and kissed me on top of my head and said, “You did so good.  You walked all on your own!”

Dr. Taub then said, “That's great, Grace, are you willing to try again but this time with your dad supporting most of your weight.”

I just nodded my head as my dad lowered me back down, but this time he was supporting most of my weight.  I saw Dr. Taub, unplug my I.V. then said, “With your dad’s help, I want you to try and make it to the other side of the room.  Just the motion of walking will help you immensely.”

I set my sights on the other side of the room and after taking in a few deep breaths, I started the roughly 20-foot trek.  About half across the room, my leg muscles started to burn and my joints started to ache.  Five feet from the wall, I was pushing with all of my might to make it to the other side.  At that moment, all the straining caused my body to start pushing in a way I did not intend.  I froze in place as my body started pushing wave after wave of poop into the back of my diaper.  I could hear my diaper crinkle as it expanded and the sound of muffled bubbly farts escaping my rear.

I couldn’t help but start tearing up and sniffling at the lack of control I had over my own body and soiling myself not just in front of my parents but Dr. Taub too.  My dad immediately lifted me into his arms, careful to not smooch my diaper by supporting my weight using my thighs on his forearm.  I buried my face in his chest as he started rubbing circles into my back.  He quietly whispered in my ear, “Sweetheart, it’s OK. You did so well.  I’m so proud of you.”

I then heard Dr. Taub say, “Grace, you did amazing this morning.  Even though you may feel it, you should not be embarrassed over having an accident. Your body went through and is going through a lot right now.  I’m going to let you get some rest before your appointment this afternoon.”

A moment later, I felt my dad lower me onto the bed.  He pushed my gown up to my chest and I could see my mom handing him a diaper and wipes.  My mom leaned down, kissed me on the forehead, and said, “I am so proud of you, sweetheart.”

I could then feel my dad ripping open the tapes on my diaper and lowering the front of my diaper as cool air hit my privates.  He wiped down the front of my diapered area, then with my ankles in one hand, raised my legs up and used the front of the soiled diaper to wipe the worst of the poop from my rear.  He pulled the diaper from under me and then used many wipes to clean the caked-on poop from my bottom.  I was then lowered onto a new diaper, the front was pulled up between my legs and taped snugly around my waist.

As my dad was balling up the used diaper to throw away, my mom lifted me into her arms.  By this point, most of my tears had subsided, but I was still struggling to get a hold of my emotions.  My mom kissed me on the cheek and said, “Wil … Grace, I can’t say it enough, but I am so, so proud of you.”

I just nodded my head.  By this point, my muscles were so sore, that it felt like I ran a marathon and my joints were aching all over my body.  I looked up at my mom and asked, “Can I get some more pain medicine?”

She said, “Sure, sweety.”

She pressed the call button and then sat in the recliner with me lying on her.  I just rested my head on her upper chest, as she rubbed circles on my upper back with one hand and gently patted my diapered bottom with the other.  I could hear my dad talking to Abby briefly, then I felt my dad drape a blanket over me.

I then hear, “Grace, I got some medicine for you.”

I turned my head to see Abby with a syringe in hand.  As she was pushing the syringe into my I.V., she said, “Those doctors sure have been mean to you these past few mornings.  They sure like to put you through the wringer.”

I just nodded my head as I felt the relief from the pain meds wash over my body.  Between the meds, exhaustion, and my mom rhythmically rubbing my back and patting my bottom, I was quickly asleep.

I awoke to someone rubbing my back and saying, “Grace, it is time to wake up.”

My first thought was ‘Who is Grace’, followed by ‘On yeah, that’s my new name’.  I opened my eyes and could see that I was still being held by my mom.  I stretched out my legs and arms followed by a big yawn.  I heard my mom say, “That was a big stretch, we need to get to your appointment soon.”

I nodded my head into her chest and then was vertical on her hip as she stood up.  I looked and could see that my dad had my I.V. pole ready and that same small tote bag with him.  My mom then said, “Are you ready?”

I said, “As ready as I’m going to be.”

We made the 10-minute journey down to the psychology department.  Along the way, I couldn't help but notice that everyone we passed would look at me and smile.  It felt weird that all these strangers were looking at me, but I would have probably done the same if I saw a cute baby or toddler too.  Before I knew it, I was back sitting propped up in the corner of the couch in Denise’s office with her sitting on the cushion next to me.

With a smile, she said, “Good afternoon, Will, or should I say Grace.  I read the updates to your chart and it looks like you have been busy thinking about what we talked about yesterday.”

I responded, “Yeah.”

“How does it make you feel about the name change?” she asked.

“Logically, I think it makes the most sense,” I said.

“And emotionally?” she asked.

“I don’t know.  Even though I have no control over the changes,  I still feel embarrassed about it.  I’m scared that people will make fun of me who knew I was a boy, no, a grown man before all this happened,” I stated.

She responded, “That is understandable that you could have these feelings.  Why do you think you feel embarrassed?”

“I guess it is because I am fighting against my entire upbringing.  When I was a kid, anything bad as a boy was considered girly.  Hell, I remember when I was nine years old and was complaining to my dad about him making me do a lot of yard work he said if I didn’t stop whining he would send me to church in one of my sister’s dresses the next day,” I said.

Denise responded, “Luckily, it does not happen as much nowadays, but a lot of boys used to face or be threatened by emasculation as punishment by their parents in some form, in order, to get what they think is proper behavior.  It can lead to men being repelled by anything perceived as feminine later in life.”

“Yeah, I guess I am just fighting my instincts right now,” I said.

We talked about all my fears and uncertainties about the changes and what I and others may think.  I even brought up the incident in the elevator yesterday and that my mom scared me afterward.  She said that unfortunately, I will be dealing with people like the lady all the time and that unless I plan on seeing them again, it would be best to either ignore them or just go with it.  When it came to my mother, she said that she probably still sees me as her adult son, and didn’t realize how the physical changes have affected how I see the world now.

Once we were reaching the end of the session, she asked, “How are you feeling about everything now?”

“I guess, I feel better, but I’m still not thrilled about it,” I stated.

She said, “That is OK.  All these changes are new to you and it will take time to process it.  You will need to allow time to mourn your old self and get used to the new you.”

“OK,” I said.

“I’m going to get your parents unless something comes up, we will talk again in a couple of days,” she stated.

I watched as Denise left and then returned a few minutes later with my parents.  My mom walked over to me and as she was picking me up, I could feel my diaper sagging low between my legs.  I knew I had to wet myself while I was sleeping and when I am awake, it seems that I can only go an hour at most before needing to wet my diaper, but I am starting to question if I know for sure every time I do.

When she was positioning me on her hip and could feel how wet my diaper was, she whispered in my ear, “I will change you as soon as we get back to your room.”

Both my parents thanked her and ten minutes later, I was back in my room lying on my bed.  My mom quickly changed me into a dry diaper.  She pulled me up in a sitting position on the bed and said, “I have been trying to hold them off, but you have some people who would really like to Facetime you.”

Knowing the answer, I still asked, “Who?”

“Well, Stanley, Katie, and especially Ellis want to see you,” my mom said.

I said, “OK.”

My mom then picked me up and with my dad grabbing my I.V. pole, went over to the couch.  She sat down with me on her lap and my dad sat down right beside us.  I watched as he took out his phone and started calling my brother.  As it was ringing, I was feeling even more nervous.  What is he going to think about me now?  I felt myself shrink in my mom’s lap as different scenarios played out in my head.  A few moments later, I could see my brother's face show up on my dad’s phone screen.

[BabySofia]

Grace is the name I assumed she would end up with from the title - definitely a fitting one! 

1 hour ago, LGGrace said:

I am just over 100 pages in Word and it looks to be shaping up to be somewhere between 600 and 700 pages long. 

You have my appreciation as we read this, and my sincerest sympathy as a writer the toll your keyboard will have on your fingers! 🤣 Keep it coming! (And no not finishing this one by the way!)

1 hour ago, LGGrace said:

A few moments later, I could see my brother's face show up on my dad’s phone screen.

Her brother better not be a jerk, if he is we're going to make him pay in many bad comments! 😈