Wet the bed again after 30+ years of dry nights.... I'm a little bit shook, not sure what to think

[FreeFlowin]

So, quick background on me before I start my story (TL;DR at the end):

- I've had odd desires for diapers and even daydreams about incontinence (in various ways) from the time I was a little kid, maybe 6 or 7.
- Years of trying to supress it or eliminate it hasn't worked. 
- I started actually wearing about 15 years ago, only doing it on an very occasional basis.
- Since then, my longest stint of 24/7 has only been about a week long. I've never continuously worn diapers for much longer than that.
- Most of my life, I've had no bladder or control issues. In fact, for many years, I had an "iron kung-fu grip" when it came to my kegels. I could make it to the bathroom without leaking in even the most dire and painful of situations. As such...
- I haven't wet the bed since I was maybe 4 or 5. And I am now in my late, late 30's.
- But, in the last few years, I have also been practicing "reverse kegels" on-and-off, and I think I've gotten better at them lately, but they've never effected me long-term, nor have they impacted my sleep. 

All that being said, I have finally been able to wear for longer stints of 24/7 since about August 2022, especially now that I live in a house with a loving partner who knows about my 'interest'. 

So... Recently I picked up a case of Abenas to supplement my dwindling supply of Rearz. I've come to realize that if I want to wear for any length of time, it helps to have a supply that isn't always within a few diapers of running out completely. I've also tried to relay to my partner that since this 'interest' has been such a pervasive and persistant want in my life, that I've been wanting to try living as though I am truly incontinent, just to see what it would be like; wearing all the time, going the moment the need hits, and wearing extra protection to bed. I can't really do that without a decent stash to fall back on.

So I started another 24/7 stint on Wednesday of last week, when the case was delivered. I wore them as usual, doing reverse-kegels the whole time as I usually do. But then, it happened....

3 days ago...:

When I woke up, I could've sworn that I was a bit wetter than I had been when I went to bed. The bottom and back of my diaper felt a bit more swollen than when I went to bed, but I wasn't entirely sure I had peed in my sleep, because I was wearing a partially-wet diaper before I went to bed.

I didn't take note of how wet my diaper actually was before I fell asleep, so it could've been that I peed right before I slept while laying in bed and not remembered it... who knows. But the thought persisted in my head throughout the day... "Had I really peed in my sleep?" 

I had to know. I was on a 24/7 stint and committing to it like I said I would do. So I decided to "poke the bear"...

Before I went to bed that night, I decided to test whether I was actually bedwetting. I got myself 4 tall-boy cans of beer and drank 3 of them over the course of a few hours. (I have a high alcohol tolerance mostly due to where I was raised, so I do not recommend this for most people) Right before bed, I shotgunned the entire 4th can, plus a large glass of water. I put myself in a brand new, clean diaper, strapped myself into my protec-briefs as usual, and went off to sleep...

2 days ago...:

I woke up the next morning, feeling to see if I was wet. I was quite clearly swollen... But that wasn't all...

I started to feel the outside of the top of the protec-briefs (where the waist straps go), and found they were a little bit damp! I reached down the sides of my pants.... they were damp too...

Then I felt the bedsheets... Oh my god. The bedsheets, and even the pillow-top underneath, were wet.

I had really, truly, completely, wet the bed. Not just peed in my sleep, mind you, but actually gotten the sheets wet.

When I realized it and told my girlfriend, she didn't even bat an eyelash. She just started tearing the sheets off to put them in the washer/drier. She told me, "I wet the bed until I was 13, I'm no stranger to this."

But my head and my thoughts were all over the place... I didn't just leak, I completely soaked myself. There wasn't a single square inch of the wetness indicator that was left, both front and back. I must have peed SO MUCH overnight that it completely filled my diaper, and leaked out the top (since I sleep on my back usually and have male parts, the physics don't work in my favor). The waist straps on the briefs were not strapped tight enough, I had too much to drink, and all that lead to my first real, undeniable, substansial bedwetting accident since I was a little kid.

Tons of thoughts raced though my head all day long...:
"Did I just flip a switch in my brain that turned off my night-time control?"
"Can I even get my night-time control back?"
"What if I can't get it back?"
"What if I need to wear diapers every night now?"
"Can I even afford that?"
"If I do have to wear diapers every night from now on, will she lose attraction for me?"
"But what if CAN recover from this and get full control back, as I've usually been able to do? Does this mean I can no longer wear 24 hours a day for any longer than 4 days, or else I'll start to become a bedwetter?"
"Does this mean I have to give up completely on 24/7 stints, and effectively not be able to fulfill my desires?"

I could barely focus on anything all day. It's tough when you've had your first real bad betwetting accident since you were maybe 5 years old. 

That being said, there was something about this event that wanted to make me press on even further. Did I just wet the bed because I was too drunk? Or were the reverse kegels finally getting to me? I didnt have an answer.

So before I went to bed that night, I decided to have only one can of beer and a half-glass of water, much less fluid volume than the previous night. One can is nowhere near enough to get me drunk, I was only slightly buzzed, at best. But I didn't feel like my bladder was exploding prior to bedtime. I got myself into my protec-briefs and a clean diaper before bed, and fell asleep seeing what would happen....

1 day ago / Today...:

Once again, I woke up to a wet diaper... 

I wasn't anywhere near as wet as the previous night, nor did I leak out or wet the bedsheets in any way (the protec-briefs held their ground this time), but I was clearly more 'inflated' than when I went to bed. 

3 nights in a row I had wet in my sleep. It was now un-deniable. The alcohol may have played a part in it, but it was clear my reverse-kegels were really starting to effect me.

I now had a choice. Do I continue with this and see if I wet again the next night?

I decided that my 24/7 experiment has to end for now. If I were to become a permenant bedwetter right now, I'm not sure if I would be able to afford the diaper cost, nor am I sure that my partner would appreciate it very much.

So for all of today, I have gone un-diapered, ending my recent 24/7 stint; no underwear at all, drinking lots of water to create as much pressure as I can, holding in my pee for long periods of time, and using the toilet as usual. 

I feel I have re-constituted my "iron kung-fu bladder grip" that I had as I have gone through the day, but the last 3 days have given me some small doubts....

Usually I sleep in my 'birthday suit', but what if I DO wet in my sleep tonight? Should I have worn a diaper to prevent possible leaks, or will wearing that diaper just signal to my body that it's OK to it let go, and set me back on my night-time training even more?

....And that's where I'm at right now. I'm typing this post up in-real-time, unsure of wether I will be able to have a dry night tonight... the amount of thoughts and feelings going through my head right now are absolutely crazy. 

The thing is though... I kinda liked waking up wet today. Knowing that I slept soundly all night and never had to wake up to go to the toilet, and that my protection kept things dry was honestly one of the main things I had been wanting to experince since I knew I had these feelings. If it becomes a thing where I need diapers every night, but yet have full daytime control, I'm not sure I would even complain. 

When I started this experiment, I didn't think that night-time control would be the first thing to go, but here I am. I wanted a taste of true incontinence, and I got it. I just didn't think it would come in the form of bedwetting first. Plus, I didn't think that these symptoms would manifest themselves in a mere 5 days of 24/7 wearing. Either I have a medical issue, or I'm getting too good at reverse-kegels.  

I peed overnight, several times within 3 days, without realizing it or ever waking up, or being consious enough to stop myself, and now I have no clue if it will be permenant. I only hope my bladder control still remains tonight. 

TL;DR:

- I toyed with being 24/7 for too long, and now I've been having bedwetting accidents.
- I have no idea if the night-time un-training will be permenant.
- If it is, can I accept it as a part of my life, and can my partner?

I will update you all in the morning...







 

[Little Sherri]

Interesting. I've been 24/7 for coming up on 4 years, and I am not a reliable bedwetter, but I'm not reliably dry overnight, either. At this point, I would not sleep well without a diaper on. That said, I've gone weeks with no "incidents", and I've had 2 or 3 in a single week - there is no predicting it. Except, as you pointed out, when it comes to dalliances with Lady Ethanol. If I get soused, it's far more likely that I'll wet the bed. I've never tried deliberately drowning my kidneys right before I turned in, like you did, but I would bet that the outcome might be similar. 

I've been lucky with the incidents I have had, in that they've tended to be small - I don't tend to absolutely soak myself while I'm sleeping. There are some exceptions; I'm not a side-sleeper, so my usual worst-case scenario is a deep and satisfying release while I'm sleeping on my tummy, particularly if pointed upwards down there, which can lead to notable spill-over events. Other than that, my usual failure mode is a folded over diaper front that allows enough wicking to create a damp half-moon on the sheet below me. 

You've also learned another of 24/7 life's valuable lessons: not all diapers are overnight rated. If you're a side-sleeper, arguably, almost no disposable is entirely trustworthy. If you sleep on your back, the better ones out there will probably work. If you sleep on your tummy, as I do, it depends how you're pointed and the volume involved. I think that my "process", if you will, back when I wasn't unconsciously wetting, has inadvertently helped me stave off the worst bedwetting disasters, because back then, I used to barely wake up, when I had to pee, and then I'd roll over onto my back, waive at the guards to open the gates, and fall back to sleep. I suspect that now that wetting incidents sometimes occur without my having any memory of it (other than the occasional dream I am able to recall where I was peeing for some reason integral to the usually-nonsensical plot), what's happening is, my unconscious or subconscious mind is still having me roll over when the high-level signals start arriving from below, which saves me from just flooding my diaper in whatever position I happen to be in.

You may wish to integrate plastic pants, and, buy some decent overnight diapers. Although I don't own them myself, the terry-lined ones apparently perform very well at giving your sheets a second chance, when your disposable throws its hands in the air. As to the best overnight diapers, cloth is probably #1, followed by the Rearz Elite Hybrid, their Mermaid Tale (which I believe is an Elite Hybrid with a printed cover), Rearz' Critter Caboose diapers, and NorthShore's MegaMax. Rearz has also recent revamped their HD taped diaper series - the Dinosaurs, Safari's, and Princess Pink's (I think, don't quote me) up to an 8500 ML rating, which is obviously wildly optimistic, but, if you use the "Bet on 1/3 of ISO" rule, that's still 2.8 litres, or 6 lbs of fluid - that's more than a few tallboys. 

There are other good overnight diapers that I'm missing, mostly because I live close to Rearz, so I've tried a lot of their stuff. I'm sure some other people here can make some great suggestions. Stay damp, my friend! 

[FreeFlowin]

4 hours ago, Little Sherri said:

Interesting. I've been 24/7 for coming up on 4 years, and I am not a reliable bedwetter, but I'm not reliably dry overnight, either. At this point, I would not sleep well without a diaper on. That said, I've gone weeks with no "incidents", and I've had 2 or 3 in a single week - there is no predicting it. Except, as you pointed out, when it comes to dalliances with Lady Ethanol. If I get soused, it's far more likely that I'll wet the bed. I've never tried deliberately drowning my kidneys right before I turned in, like you did, but I would bet that the outcome might be similar. 

I've been lucky with the incidents I have had, in that they've tended to be small - I don't tend to absolutely soak myself while I'm sleeping. There are some exceptions; I'm not a side-sleeper, so my usual worst-case scenario is a deep and satisfying release while I'm sleeping on my tummy, particularly if pointed upwards down there, which can lead to notable spill-over events. Other than that, my usual failure mode is a folded over diaper front that allows enough wicking to create a damp half-moon on the sheet below me. 

You've also learned another of 24/7 life's valuable lessons: not all diapers are overnight rated. If you're a side-sleeper, arguably, almost no disposable is entirely trustworthy. If you sleep on your back, the better ones out there will probably work. If you sleep on your tummy, as I do, it depends how you're pointed and the volume involved. I think that my "process", if you will, back when I wasn't unconsciously wetting, has inadvertently helped me stave off the worst bedwetting disasters, because back then, I used to barely wake up, when I had to pee, and then I'd roll over onto my back, waive at the guards to open the gates, and fall back to sleep. I suspect that now that wetting incidents sometimes occur without my having any memory of it (other than the occasional dream I am able to recall where I was peeing for some reason integral to the usually-nonsensical plot), what's happening is, my unconscious or subconscious mind is still having me roll over when the high-level signals start arriving from below, which saves me from just flooding my diaper in whatever position I happen to be in.

You may wish to integrate plastic pants, and, buy some decent overnight diapers. Although I don't own them myself, the terry-lined ones apparently perform very well at giving your sheets a second chance, when your disposable throws its hands in the air. As to the best overnight diapers, cloth is probably #1, followed by the Rearz Elite Hybrid, their Mermaid Tale (which I believe is an Elite Hybrid with a printed cover), Rearz' Critter Caboose diapers, and NorthShore's MegaMax. Rearz has also recent revamped their HD taped diaper series - the Dinosaurs, Safari's, and Princess Pink's (I think, don't quote me) up to an 8500 ML rating, which is obviously wildly optimistic, but, if you use the "Bet on 1/3 of ISO" rule, that's still 2.8 litres, or 6 lbs of fluid - that's more than a few tallboys. 

There are other good overnight diapers that I'm missing, mostly because I live close to Rearz, so I've tried a lot of their stuff. I'm sure some other people here can make some great suggestions. Stay damp, my friend! 

Hello Sherri, thank you for sharing! For the 3rd wet night that I had, I was actually using a Mermaid Tale that night, and it did perform much better, not one leak (the good thing about these is the velcro tapes as opposed to the normal sticky tapes. I can reposition them as much as I want to get a better fit). As for my wettest night, it was just due to drinking soooo much fluid, I likely wouldnt have flooded out like I did if I wasnt so extreme about it. Plus, normally I never try to go to bed on that full of a bladder. 

The thing is though, that for all three of those wet nights, I slept completely through the night, without waking up once, and none of those mornings did I wake up with any urge to pee either. It was total voiding, my muscles didn't even try to wake me up, I just let everything go. 

I think a large part of why it happened for me so fast, as well as so thouroughly, is not only due to my reverse kegel practice,  but also because of the Protecbriefs I've been using as diaper covers overnight. The thing with them, is that when you wear them, it feels like you have a gigantic absorbant blanket wrapped around your entire mid-section, so I think the one part of what allowed me to let go was the constant sensation of being almost overly-protected. Every little movement reminds you that you're wearing it, and it probably signaled to my brain that it's OK to let go (as well as the protection I was underneath those). Then again, they are not immune to failure, as proven on the second night, with a dry Abena applied before bed, which I thought would handle it.

I did enjoy my wet times overnight, and it was a pleasant and kinda thrilling surprise to wake up after night 3, knowing it happened once again but, yet everything was totally dry.

However... do I want to stay damp right now, at this point in my life? I really don't know. Im thankful to have my partner, who reassured me once again this morning that if I ever did become that way, she would still love me and accept me no matter what, and that if Im happy with it, I should go for it. I've always wanted to take the plunge, but I still have a lot of fears surrounding work, my friends, and my parents finding out. They found out about my diaper interest the very first night I ever tried to wear them! It would be hard to convince them I needed them now because of some medical issue or something. 

Then again, there might actually be an issue.... Ill update you in the next post.

 

[FreeFlowin]

Today's update, as promised:

Woke up totally dry, not even the smallest wet spot. Slept in my birthday suit, drank only a few fluids before bed, even had one beer, but I also made sure to have a good pee before I slept.

So I didn't lose it completely. Nor did I have an accident all day long. 

However, some more alarming things have popped up for me...

For the past couple years, I've been having random cramps and pains in my sides and back, just above the tops of my hip bones. I thought maybe it was due to being hungry or maybe constipation, but after doing some research, it appears it could be kidney related. It's not a sharp pain, nor does it persist all the time, I might only feel it for a few seconds every so often, but it's been a persistant thing in my life for a while. 

I didn't notice it at the time, but while I was using my diapers, I didn't feel those cramps nearly as much. I don't remember having one in fact. But, yesterday, when I started to hold my bladder in and try to retrain, I started to feel them again immediatly, right away after I drank a big glass of water in the morning. 

I've also noticed that since I went back to holding it in yesterday, I've been dribbling a lot more, barely less than a drop at a time, but it's happening. I also notice myself peeing barely a drop or two whenever I have to cough, or when I squat down close to the floor, sometimes even despite me making the effort to hold it in.

I though maybe after a night of not wetting I would be back to usual strength, as I have been easily able to do in the past, but this time it feels different. 

I also recently heard someone's personal story of how they had developed their incontinence issues as a result kidney issues, and suddenly, the alarm bells were set off in my mind.

So, I'm wondering, what is the next move? Just keep practicing toilet training as normal? See a urologist? Finally just totally commit to this life? Did I just discover a greater overall issue with my health as a result of trying this for a few days? What if I DID somehow develop a kidney issue that is now going to lead to control problems? What if the problem gets even worse than that? What if I finally got one of my wishes granted (a reason to wear diapers that people are more understanding of)? Lots of questions....

[Little Sherri]

3 hours ago, FreeFlowin said:

They found out about my diaper interest the very first night I ever tried to wear them! It would be hard to convince them I needed them now because of some medical issue or something. 

I'd be interested to hear about how happened. This is kind of my lot in life as well, although I don't think I would ever want to just come out and tell my parents about this. I didn't talk to them about the intimate details of my relationships, either, and I would put drill bits through my ears if they starting talking to about their activities in the boudoir. Some things are better left undiscussed.

For me, my stepdad found my homemade diaper stash under a dresser when I was 13, which was about 3 years after I stopped wetting the bed, so, it was pretty obvious what was going on, or, I believed it was, in any case. I think (hope...) that when he yelled at me and waved around one of my diapers in front of my family, my brother and sister thought it was about me wetting the bed again - I don't think they knew what a DL was. I didn't know, either. I just knew that once I stopped needing to wear diapers, I still wanted to really badly, and that I couldn't ever say that to anyone. 

I don't think my parents knew what a DL or an AB was, either, but they knew that I didn't need diapers anymore, at least physiologically, and, that apparently, I was still wearing them, or, wearing the best analogs I could come up with on a kid's budget. So, even though that was more than 30 years ago, I can't just bring this stuff up constantly. It's not exactly a natural conversation. However, my mom is the one person on earth with a better memory of aspects of my childhood than I have. So, I have a yearning to ask questions about things, to confirm or refute my own impressions, and to ask about why certain things happened as they did, what the reasoning was, how other people reacted, etc. But, I have to wait for rare opportunities to present themselves, where the topic might go in that direction. It probably happens only every couple of years, where'd she'll pull out a photo album and reminisce, or we'll talk about a house we used to live in or people we used to know. 

For example, we were talking about their laundry machine, which needed fixing, and somehow that lead to the "secret" laundry machine that she had in a closet when we lived in an apartment when I was quite young, maybe 5 or 6. I remembered her pulling it out and connecting it to the faucet in the kitchen, to run loads of laundry. Apparently she wasn't supposed to have it, because the building had laundry machines in the basement that you had to pay to use. I guess the landlord felt that my mom was using water and electricity that she wasn't paying for. Anyway, I asked her if she kept that machine for washing cloth diapers, and she said, no, not really, because she hated cloth diapers. SO, I said, but mom, I remember wearing cloth diapers to bed fairly vividly, I thought I must have worn them with some frequency. And she said, nope, she used them, but not often - she much preferred disposables, and would only put me in cloth diapers if she couldn't fine disposables that would fit me or if she'd run out. Which I thought was an interesting conversation. I guess the cloth diapers made an impression on me, because for most of my life, I thought that she'd used them maybe 1/4 or 1/3 of the time. But apparently not. 

As to your other comment, about kidney pain - get that checked out, man. UTI's can spread to your kidneys and cause damage, and there are other kidney issues that can be serious. Also, if your prostate is restricting your ability to empty your bladder, that can ricochet into kidney issues if you're not careful. Talk to your doctor. It probably has nothing to do with wearing or using diapers. You want to make sure that all's well. "Don't die of embarrassment", they say about rectal cancers - people often know that something isn't right, but don't face up to it for a while. Kidney, bladder and prostate issues might be the rectal cancers of the ABDL world (not that I'm saying this has anything to do with cancer), in that people who wear diapers often don't want to talk to healthcare professionals about plumbing issues. 

[FreeFlowin]

3 hours ago, Little Sherri said:

I'd be interested to hear about how happened.

Sure! I've never shared this story publically before, so here it goes:

I spent the majority of my college years living in a city far a way from my hometown. When I was living there, I discovered via the internet that AB/DL was a thing that more people than just myself are into, but I still never truly acted on the impulses I had. The most I ever did was bought was a pack of absorbant maxi pads for women, and I tried to wear them inside my boxers, only to be dissapointed that the experience wasn't very fulfilling, and not anything like real diapers that I could actually use properly as a male.


Fast-forward about 3 years...:

Now I was living back in my parents house, after graduating from college, and regretting the decision not to try diapers when I was living by myself. However, my curiosity got the better of me, and I eventially put together a plan to finally try diapers once and for all.

I left the house at 2:30 in the morning in my car. I stopped by the 24-hour Walgreens, and with a very red and embarrased face for the cashier, I picked up my first pack of plastic-backed Depends. I kept them in the trunk of my car, under a pile of blankets, to hide them from my parents.

The first night I got them, I opened the pack, brought one of them into the house and put it on. Now, keep in mind, I had been fantasizing about wearing diapers for almost 15 years at that point, so when I finally put one on, it was like a dream-come-true. The soft plastic exterior combined with the bulk of the padding was such a wonderful feeling for me that I ended up falling asleep on the top of my bed, outside the covers, due to the overwhelming exhaustion I was feeling from finally realizing one of my dreams.

The only problem was... I fell asleep, in my diaper, with lights on, in my bedroom, with my bedroom door hanging wide-open! My dad got up in the middle of the night to pee, and he turned my light off and closed my door, no doubt seeing me sleeping there in a diaper, on top of my bed.

The next morning, my dad looked at me with a very suspicious looking face, and said, "I see you fell asleep with your light on and your door open last night, so I closed it for you...."

He didn't say anything about the diapers, or me, for the rest of the day, or ever since then.


Fast-forward to 7 years later...:

I flew out to California for an event I was scheduled to be booked at. I was still living with my parents at the time, and they were absolutely terrified that I would run into some kind of trouble on my flight and lose me forever.

When I flew out to the venue, it was actually no big deal. I had a great time and made a big impact there. But it was when I flew back home that I became horrified...

I returned to my bedroom to find that my mom had gone through all of my belongings and completely cleaned my entire bedroom. The problem with that? Before I left the house, I had had used diapers sitting in my closet, waiting to be disposed of properly, wrapped in baggies. I just hadn't gotten the opportunity to dispose of them before my flight. 

When I came back, they were all gone. Including my un-used stash. 

When I drove into the drive-way and returned to my bedroom at nearly 4:00 a.m. that day, I was in a state of complete horror to find that my mom had gone through my entire bedroom, and that all my diaper supplies were now missing. 

She got up from her sleep (because she was asleep and worried about me before I arrived) and confronted me about it. I didn't know what to do. I didn't have any time to think of a response. I just broke down crying right in front of her. I told her flat-out that I had a weird interest in wearing diapers and that I didn't know why it was something that was apart of my brain. She just reacted in a concerned way, mostly just wanting reassurance that I wasn't having bladder control issues, but I assured her it wasn't that at all. I just told her that my brain is weird and messed up, and I don't know what to do about it. I cried, and cried, and cried... Then I went to sleep...


The next day...

I tried to avoid my parents at all costs for almost an entire week. I didn't want to eat breakfast or dinner with them. I didn't even want to look at them. I didn't want to engage them in any way. I just wanted to leave the house for any excuse I could find; work, shopping, ect. I was just so incredibly ashamed of myself. I just thought that at any moment, they'd bring up my 'fetish' and demonize me and yell at me for it, and tell me that I'm a perverted, mentally-ill, sick freak that needs to seek therapy. I've never felt so ashamed of myself in my entire life, and I wanted nothing more than to run my ass off for miles and miles and bury myself in the woods where they would never find me when this happened.

Thankfully, a couple years later, my girlfriend would finally give me the encouragement and strength to move out of my parents house, and it gave me a safe haven to live out my dreams and fantasies. But still, to this day, my parents have never brought up the topic again, because I'm sure that they probably don't want to know anything more about it. 

So that's where I'm at with my parents. They knew I was an AB/DL from the time I was only 6 or 7 years old (when they were getting old-people catalogs in the mail, and I was finding them and seeing them), and they probably just can't cope with the idea that I've developed an affinity for diapers. 


So that's why it's tricky and risky for me to want to wear diapers for any length of time, even for a medical reason, such as kidney issues. If I go back to diapers, my parents are just gonna think, "you're a sick fetishist that's contributing to the downfall of society.", and while that is entirely NOT true, I would still feel a large amount of shame and embarrassment for being this way. 

[FreeFlowin]

To anyone viewing this thread;

I know I post long replies that are "tl;dr"-worthy, but I hope I can find someone here to talk about these things with.

I just feel so incredibly alone and ashamed of myself, despite multiple posts I've read about how people are happy with their untraining/bed-wetting..

I still have no idea if any of the bedwetting or incontinence threads anywhere on the internet are for real, or if they were just made by troll accounts/bots/A.I...

But I'm open to talking with anyone who is even remotely a genuine human being. I'm just... absolutely petrified...for my life, and my health... in so many ways.... ?

I don't want to ruin my friendships or relationships IRL. I just have no idea what to do right now.

I just wish I had even a single friend here... someone I could talk to, and get some advice from.  

[FreeFlowin]

Today's update:

Woke up completely dry once again.

Control is returning mostly to normal, I am feeling less urgency to release, and dribbling has almost completely stopped. Today was not nearly as painful as yesterday was when it came to holding in my urine. 

Also, I want to apologize. In my last post I accused many people who post about their incontinence/DL side to be fake accounts or something like that, and that was totally out of line. I think I may have reached that conclusion in the moment because, honestly, I've never met one other person in-real-life who falls on any side of the AB/DL spectrum. I've met gay people, lesbians, trans folk, furries, asexuals, bisexuals, multiple types of fetishists, doms, subs, slaves and masters, people kept in chastity devices, trans-abled, polyamourous relationships, nearly the whole gamut, but never once have I EVER met one single AB/DL person in real life that I know of. I could have met dozens in my lifetime and not even known about it. Perhaps it's due the nature of our interest that more people are generally secretive about it.

But the last few days have left me with some weird realizations about my DL side... I've just become too good at 'reverse-kegels'. I achieved real undeniable betwetting success in roughly one week. That's never happened to me in all my short stints of 24/7 wearing. If I would have continued with this for a month, two months, half a year, something like that, there is no doubt in my mind that the results would likely become permenant, and total daytime/nighttime incontinence (both #1 and #2) would become a fact of life for me.

So this makes me question... how safe is it for me to wear 24/7, for any length of time, ever again? It's both an exciting, and at the same time, scary thought to think that, "Any time I wanted to, I could just dive in, and I could really live out this thing I've been wanting to do ever since I was just a child. It's literally right around the corner for you...". I want to keep enjoying my choice in undergarments, even on a temporary basis, but am I ready for the responsibility of 24/7 at this exact moment in my life? And can a small stint of 5 days or less suddently threaten my ability to even have a choice in that? If I did take the plunge, I would absolutely have to make some difficult confessions in my group of friends, at my job, to my parents, and it would require a lot of coping and adjustment before my partner could completely accept them. Not to mention the monthly cost $$$.

But then again.... my partner told me, in a teary-eyed rant the other day, that she's never met anyone besides me who cares so much about what other people think of themselves. Lemme tell you... caring about what others think has been something that's been holding me back in SO many areas of my life besides just this. Dealing with the DL/incontinence thing and totally accepting it would have to be THE 'coup-de-gras' for me in terms of finally learning to let go about what others think of me. If I could let go in this one area, everything else would seem like a cake-walk by comparison. 

The question is; will I choose to be what I've always wanted to be, or choose the safe route so I can best mesh with society? My mind has been very heavy lately...

  

[oznl]

In my experience, continence is a tough lesson to unlearn.  It’s wired in deep.

I do know with my own experience that early on in my 24/7 journey I was far too quick inferring various novel signals as tangible evidence of a precipitous and irreversible slide into incontinence.  They weren’t of course.  There were quite a few "Did I or didn't I?" nights but in hindsight, I suspect they were "didn't".

Eventually, I DID develop bedwetting. 

It was probably after several months of 24/7.  It remained vanishingly rare at first but gradually increased in frequency.  There was a sharp uptick at around the 3 year mark at which point I would described sleep wetting as “reasonably common”.  I’m probably just a notch or two further up the dial than @Little Sherri on this score.

Four years later, it’s still not every night but frequent enough to mean that going to bed without a diaper on will result in sodden tragedy if not on the first night then on the one after that or maybe, the one after that.

I can vividly remember the strange alloy of shock and excitement when I first confronted the evidence of this at 2:47am one cool Saturday autumn morning.

I think it’s stunningly unlikely that you’ve done anything permanent to yourself over the space of a few weeks so my advice would be don’t despair.  Early bedwetting events in my case invariably occurred only in the context of me being subconsciously aware that it was “ok” to do so.  Monolithic bedwetting outside of nappies did not kick in until 18 months or so.  I believe you’re not standing on the edge of any precipice, especially since you’re not 24/7 diapered.

The question of whether or not you wish to kiss or kill this aspect of yourself is therefore not time bound.

The parent question resonates with me and I don’t have an answer.  There's a huge part of me that does not want to disappoint my own parents which is strange because I've always had a difficult and strained relationship with them.   I’d like to think on that one.  How old were you at the time of the California trip?

 

[FreeFlowin]

1 hour ago, oznl said:

In my experience, continence is a tough lesson to unlearn.  It’s wired in deep.

I do know with my own experience that early on in my 24/7 journey I was far too quick inferring various novel signals as tangible evidence of a precipitous and irreversible slide into incontinence.  They weren’t of course.  There were quite a few "Did I or didn't I?" nights but in hindsight, I suspect they were "didn't".

Eventually, I DID develop bedwetting. 

It was probably after several months of 24/7.  It remained vanishingly rare at first but gradually increased in frequency.  There was a sharp uptick at around the 3 year mark at which point I would described sleep wetting as “reasonably common”.  I’m probably just a notch or two further up the dial than @Little Sherri on this score.

Four years later, it’s still not every night but frequent enough to mean that going to bed without a diaper on will result in sodden tragedy if not on the first night then on the one after that or maybe, the one after that.

I can vividly remember the strange alloy of shock and excitement when I first confronted the evidence of this at 2:47am one cool Saturday autumn morning.

I think it’s stunningly unlikely that you’ve done anything permanent to yourself over the space of a few weeks so my advice would be don’t despair.  Early bedwetting events in my case invariably occurred only in the context of me being subconsciously aware that it was “ok” to do so.  Monolithic bedwetting outside of nappies did not kick in until 18 months or so.  I believe you’re not standing on the edge of any precipice, especially since you’re not 24/7 diapered.

The question of whether or not you wish to kiss or kill this aspect of yourself is therefore not time bound.

The parent question resonates with me and I don’t have an answer.  There's a huge part of me that does not want to disappoint my own parents which is strange because I've always had a difficult and strained relationship with them.   I’d like to think on that one.  How old were you at the time of the California trip?

 

When I went out to California, I was somewhere in my early 30's. The gig I was booked for was in 2015, so it has been at least 8 years since this experience with my parents happened.

I want to say that I truly appreciate your input @oznl, and I'm so glad you read through my thread so far. I have been keeping up with your 50+ page thread detailing your diaper journey as well, and have been been using it lately as a reference point for my own experiences in my own diapering.

If I could choose to be a permenant bedwetter and incontinent person right now, without any reprecussions, and feeling like everyone would accept me for it, I would, in a heart-beat. But it's sorta like skydiving; you have a choice not to do it all the way up until the very end when you finally make the jump. Once you throw yourself off the cliff or out of the airplane, you are committed to it, and come hell-or-high-water, and you have to deal with it just so you can continue to survive.

And that is where I am currently at right now. Please feel free to DM me if you'd like to talk about things or share more details about your journey!

It should also be noted that I have booked an appointment to speak with Dr. Rhoda Lipscomb, so I am fully intending to seek psychologal counsil and advice over this, just to make sure I don't have anything wrong with me that may be more serious.

Stay diapered, my friend, and thank you for your feedback! 




 

[oznl]

18 hours ago, FreeFlowin said:

When I went out to California, I was somewhere in my early 30's. The gig I was booked for was in 2015, so it has been at least 8 years since this experience with my parents happened.

Mmm… ok…

I guess the personal dynamics between yourself and your parents has been irreversibly altered by your “outing” as a diaper lover but let me give you something to mitigate the guilt you seem plagued with over this.

It is NOT OK for a parent to unilaterally enter their adult kid’s room and go snooping through their stuff (short of clear and immediate legal or safety threat).  Not at all.  Irrespective of who owns the roof, it is your personal space and that needs to be respected.  Sure, they have rights over the property and they are entitled to ask you to clean up your space if they reasonably think it's gotten out of hand.

I'm not speculating here.  I'm a parent.  I have a “kidult” remaining at home.  Their room is their space.  I would no more go fossicking through their room than I would rob a bank.

And then, on TOP of that, your mother compounds upon this transgression by, whilst invading your private space,  attempting to curate your life (at age 30 no less!) by throwing out stuff of yours that she doesn’t understand or agree with.

Not cool.  I am in total alignment with your girlfriend there.  You needed to live somewhere else.

On 1/27/2023 at 4:27 PM, FreeFlowin said:

I was just so incredibly ashamed of myself. I just thought that at any moment, they'd bring up my 'fetish' and demonize me and yell at me for it, and tell me that I'm a perverted, mentally-ill, sick freak that needs to seek therapy. I've never felt so ashamed of myself in my entire life, and I wanted nothing more than to run my ass off for miles and miles and bury myself in the woods where they would never find me when this happened.

There's a nexus between guilt and anger, both of them social emotions triggered by social exchange.  Perhaps you zigged when others might have zagged there?

I've said this before and I'll say it again:  we did not choose to be what we are, we're just left to manage it.  You didn't wake up one Tuesday and "decide" to be a DL (Let's face it, nobody would decide that.  It's fabulously inconvenient).  You were shaped that way.  If I could write myself a letter to 20 years ago it would say "This is NOT your fault, it WON'T go away, the sooner you can figure out how to integrate it into your life the happier you will be so ENOUGH of the guilt thing".

I could not help but think of Philip Larkin's tome:

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse

I personally disagree with his last line.  It is nihilist and repudiates our cognitive ability and agency to navigate change.

The rest of it's probably on the money though ?

 

[FreeFlowin]

On 1/28/2023 at 6:47 PM, oznl said:

Mmm… ok…

I guess the personal dynamics between yourself and your parents has been irreversibly altered by your “outing” as a diaper lover but let me give you something to mitigate the guilt you seem plagued with over this.

It is NOT OK for a parent to unilaterally enter their adult kid’s room and go snooping through their stuff (short of clear and immediate legal or safety threat).  Not at all.  Irrespective of who owns the roof, it is your personal space and that needs to be respected.  Sure, they have rights over the property and they are entitled to ask you to clean up your space if they reasonably think it's gotten out of hand.

I'm not speculating here.  I'm a parent.  I have a “kidult” remaining at home.  Their room is their space.  I would no more go fossicking through their room than I would rob a bank.

And then, on TOP of that, your mother compounds upon this transgression by, whilst invading your private space,  attempting to curate your life (at age 30 no less!) by throwing out stuff of yours that she doesn’t understand or agree with.

Not cool.  I am in total alignment with your girlfriend there.  You needed to live somewhere else.

There's a nexus between guilt and anger, both of them social emotions triggered by social exchange.  Perhaps you zigged when others might have zagged there?

I've said this before and I'll say it again:  we did not choose to be what we are, we're just left to manage it.  You didn't wake up one Tuesday and "decide" to be a DL (Let's face it, nobody would decide that.  It's fabulously inconvenient).  You were shaped that way.  If I could write myself a letter to 20 years ago it would say "This is NOT your fault, it WON'T go away, the sooner you can figure out how to integrate it into your life the happier you will be so ENOUGH of the guilt thing".

I could not help but think of Philip Larkin's tome:

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse

I personally disagree with his last line.  It is nihilist and repudiates our cognitive ability and agency to navigate change.

The rest of it's probably on the money though ?

 

Thank you so incredibly much for this reply. It means more to me than I think you realize. Keep in mind, I'm very private about all of this, I don't post about my interest anywhere else online, and there's only one person IRL who I've ever been able to tell this story to. 

And you're right, I didn't choose this at all. For about 15 years, I thought I was the only person on the planet who felt this way. Nobody, including the internet in general, persuaded me to like this.

I have a lot of self-accepting to do indeed. This thing is gonna pick away at my subconscious mind until I decide to go through with it and go full 24/7. It's just a huge leap to make... doing something like this that will eventually become permenant. But at the same time, it's a permenant change I'd be OK with, and I'm only holding myself back waffling about so long.

As for my current control update:
I have mostly returned to normal, the only difference being that when I now feel the need to pee, I'm more used to doing so while walking or doing other activities. So while I can still hold it back, my body now knows it would feel much better to just relieve itself right then, so I think Im in a state now where both me and my body 'miss' diapers when the urge does hit. 

[oznl]

13 hours ago, FreeFlowin said:

Thank you so incredibly much for this reply. It means more to me than I think you realize. Keep in mind, I'm very private about all of this, I don't post about my interest anywhere else online, and there's only one person IRL who I've ever been able to tell this story to.

I'm glad you found something in it.  It did occur to me that my comments may not have painted your mother in an altogether flattering light but flattery gets us nowhere and I thought I should risk telling you what I ACTUALLY thought.  She was probably doing what she thought best.

13 hours ago, FreeFlowin said:

I have a lot of self-accepting to do indeed. This thing is gonna pick away at my subconscious mind until I decide to go through with it and go full 24/7. It's just a huge leap to make... doing something like this that will eventually become permenant. But at the same time, it's a permenant change I'd be OK with, and I'm only holding myself back waffling about so long.

I'm not sure that the self-acceptance challenge ever truly ends.  I think I've just managed to turn the volume down on it a bit.

I'm not going to advocate 24/7 diapering.   I wouldn't advocate against it either.  It's entirely a personal choice.  It's hellishly inconvenient at times and if it ends up making you miserable then what was the point?  It does however take a heck of a long time in my experience for permanence to emerge so I think you can try it for a few weeks or months without any obligation to buy, or not.  Your call. 

Yes, being NOT diapered DID "pick away" at my mind in my case and I DID go 24/7 (to net positive effect) but loads of folk (most in fact) find themselves very happy with periodic, recreational use.

[zzyzx]

15 hours ago, FreeFlowin said:

As for my current control update:
I have mostly returned to normal, the only difference being that when I now feel the need to pee, I'm more used to doing so while walking or doing other activities. So while I can still hold it back, my body now knows it would feel much better to just relieve itself right then, so I think Im in a state now where both me and my body 'miss' diapers when the urge does hit. 

@FreeFlowin I've been contemplating responding....

I think you are closer to having incontinence issues than most that want it.  I would recommend being careful till you are ready to go 24/7. 

For me, a combination of illness, the medications used to get over the illness and how my body is made left me with adult onset secondary nocturnal enuresis that never went away after the two weeks on the medication to get over the illness.  So, more permanent bed-wetting can come on fast for a few people.  It just isn't the normal situation.  I definitely recommend seeing a doctor, if nothing else to rule things out (like UTI, or other possible issues).  And yes, you may be more "mentally" acceptable of wetting the bed....  For me, I never did learn to wake up if the mictrition cycle started while I was sleeping....  As a kid, while rare, it took something else to wake me up besides emptying my bladder.

1 hour ago, oznl said:

I'm not sure that the self-acceptance challenge ever truly ends.  I think I've just managed to turn the volume down on it a bit.

@oznl: I think I agree with you (at least in part) no mater whether this is from the fetish side or because one needs due to medical / incontinence issues.

[FreeFlowin]

On 2/1/2023 at 1:33 AM, oznl said:

I'm glad you found something in it.  It did occur to me that my comments may not have painted your mother in an altogether flattering light but flattery gets us nowhere and I thought I should risk telling you what I ACTUALLY thought.  She was probably doing what she thought best.

I'm not sure that the self-acceptance challenge ever truly ends.  I think I've just managed to turn the volume down on it a bit.

I'm not going to advocate 24/7 diapering.   I wouldn't advocate against it either.  It's entirely a personal choice.  It's hellishly inconvenient at times and if it ends up making you miserable then what was the point?  It does however take a heck of a long time in my experience for permanence to emerge so I think you can try it for a few weeks or months without any obligation to buy, or not.  Your call. 

Yes, being NOT diapered DID "pick away" at my mind in my case and I DID go 24/7 (to net positive effect) but loads of folk (most in fact) find themselves very happy with periodic, recreational use.

The comments about my mother were fine, it needed to be said. Setting the diaper stuff aside completely, she has always been a "helicopter parent" and still sees me as her 'little boy', despite the fact that I'm almost 40. They've kept me from doing lots of things when I was younger that they deemed "unsafe", such as skateboarding, skiing, snowmobiling, and even flying out-of-state in an airplane. You, my girlfriend, and everyone else I've met, were all right; I needed my space from her, and my parents, and badly.  

I do not plan to go 24/7 at this moment, and am trying to "reel myself back in" so-to-speak in terms of my diaper interest. Control has returned pretty much completely to normal the past few days. Maybe someday down the road, when I no longer have to worry about my parents or my job, and I've been with my partner a while longer, I'll decide to do it. I just don't want to get hasty.

 

[FreeFlowin]

On 2/1/2023 at 2:15 AM, zzyzx said:

@FreeFlowin I've been contemplating responding....

I think you are closer to having incontinence issues than most that want it.  I would recommend being careful till you are ready to go 24/7. 

For me, a combination of illness, the medications used to get over the illness and how my body is made left me with adult onset secondary nocturnal enuresis that never went away after the two weeks on the medication to get over the illness.  So, more permanent bed-wetting can come on fast for a few people.  It just isn't the normal situation.  I definitely recommend seeing a doctor, if nothing else to rule things out (like UTI, or other possible issues).  And yes, you may be more "mentally" acceptable of wetting the bed....  For me, I never did learn to wake up if the mictrition cycle started while I was sleeping....  As a kid, while rare, it took something else to wake me up besides emptying my bladder.

@oznl: I think I agree with you (at least in part) no mater whether this is from the fetish side or because one needs due to medical / incontinence issues.

Thank you for reading through my experience, and yes, I will be seeking out a urologist soon. Not because of the loss of control (which has pretty much completely returned for me at this point), but because when doing this experiment, my kidney pain seemed to get worse. I might want to check to see if there is anything wrong with my kidneys, as that could lead to much greater trouble.

As for me losing control so fast, I just attribute that to the fact that I've become really, really, really, really, really good at reverse kegels (the act of never holding in your excretions when you feel the need to do it). It would make sense, I have been practicing them for nearly 10 years at this point, it figures that eventually I would become good at it enough to see real results when I try it for a week or so. 

But here's the thing... I came to this forum in the first place to help try and accept myself and explore my interest.

I did just that. And I got a taste of real incontinence, as I always wanted. 

But now that I know how fast it could happen for me, do I want to continue with it?

For the first time since I was maybe a teen, I actually feel a bit turned off by my fetish. It's just strange to specifically seek out a support group for something you've been feeling for nearly 30 years, only to end up not liking where it could possibly lead to when you do try to accept it. I guess thats why this thread has been filled with so many random emotions on my part. 

I will keep you all updated.

 

[zzyzx]

17 hours ago, FreeFlowin said:

But now that I know how fast it could happen for me, do I want to continue with it?

@FreeFlowin Finding acceptance / balance is one of the "tricks" all of us have to deal with...  You just need to find your balance for now.

Some advice:  If you get towards a "purge" side, just box stuff up and hold on to it.  Don't through it out....  Based on what's been said so far, I expect you will be back...  Just need some room and time...

Take care....

[FreeFlowin]

Update: (I'll try to keep it short this time, 'try' being the keyword...)

So, after my last post, I chose not to wear diapers at all for the next 3 weeks, not during the day, or to bed. I have had no wetting accidents, either day or night, and have not attempted to reduce my fluid intake. All signs of "dribbling" or leakage when coughing or squatting went away completely. Bladder control was back to optimal.

Then, a few days ago, the itch came back, and I had a day off from work, so I decided to wear again. I put on a diaper in the afternoon, used it throughout the day (NOT attempting reverse-kegels, or just 'letting go' this time), and when it got close to bed-time, I changed into a fresh diaper, put on my overnight diaper-cover briefs, and headed for bed. I DID wet in my diaper once before I went to sleep, but I took note of how wet it was and where it was wet before falling asleep...

I woke up the next morning completely soaked, despite having no bedwetting accidents for the last 3-4 weeks.

The sheets were dry, the diaper cover was dry, but the diaper itself was swollen well into the high part of it's backside. I had no doubt, once again, that I had wet in my sleep and didn't notice it at all, and this was after only a single afternoon of being diapered.

The next day...:

I had to work a long shift, so no diapers that day. Had no daytime or nighttime accidents, and no evidence of any loss of control. Nothing out of the ordinary at all, as if yesterday never happened.

The next day... (which was actually yesterday):

I was really getting curious as to what was happening with me and my body, so I decided to test a hypothesis that was bouncing around my brain: Was my overnight protection so good that it is actually causing me to have bedwetting accidents? 

So, I decided not to wear diapers for the whole day, only putting on my diaper and protective briefs right before bed. I changed nothing about my usual fluid intake. I know for certian that my diaper was completely dry when I went to sleep.

I woke up today, and I was a water balloon. Nothing was left of the wetness indicator. I totally let my bladder go completely in my sleep once again, and never even felt it.

----
At this point, I am wondering, if the presence of a diaper on my body, as well as my diaper-cover, are both physical touch sensations that are signaling to my brain that, "it's OK to let go when you sleep, because you're well protected anyway", so it just does? It also begs the question, "Can I actually train myself to be a bedwetter ONLY when wearing protection?", because it seems like that is what is happening with me right now. I don't know how else I can wet the bed one day, be totally OK the next, then wet the bed again the very next night, and the only common denominator between those nights that I do or don't is wether I was wearing protection or not.

I will keep you updated on this as time goes on. This thread had now become one of the only places I can journal an experience like this, so please forgive me if the posts are long...