As almost a senior citizen (59) I recently told my mother about my incontinence and wearing diapers?

[ken2988]

A few weeks ago I was visiting my mom in her retirement home and she asked my how I was since she knew that I had some issue with high blood pressure in the past which are under control now.  She asked if everything was going well for me, and when I hesitated saying anything, she asked me what was wrong? 

I had never told my mom about being in diapers for the last few years, and was really nervous about saying anything, but decided it was time to mention it to her and see what she would say.  I told her that I had some medical issues that do not risk my health, but are very embarrassing to me, and I really didn't want to talk about them.  My mom promised me that she wouldn't talk to anyone else about what we talked about, so I decided to take the risk and tell her about my problems.

I told her that I had been having problem with incontinence for several years, and that I have gone to a urologist several times, and they couldn't find anything that they could medically fix, and that it was just part of me naturally aging.  They told me that I should be careful about what I drank before going to bed, and make sure that I went to the restroom before driving somewhere.  They also tried me on some medicine that had too many side effects, so I stopped using it.  The DR visits were about 2+ years ago, and I didn't tell them that I was already wearing diapers at night time.   While talking about it my mom asked me several times if I needed to go to the restroom, and I told her that I was OK and didn't need to go pee.  This is when she told me that she had been wearing insert guards for a few years for when she would loose control and leak a little.  She asked me if I had considered wearing an insert for when I leaked instead of a diaper?

I told her this was really embarrassing for me to talk about, but I was happy that she would listen to me, and I felt better that I now had someone that I could talk with about wearing diapers.  She then told me that she had kept a few pull ups from when her husband had needed them which she had kept in case she ever had a problem that went above a minor leak.  She asked me if I could use them for myself?  I told my mom that it wasn't likely since I needed to wear full diapers and the pull ups she showed me were really thin for low flow leakage.  She told me that I should take them just in case.  I explained to her a couple of time that I leaked all the time and needed something heavy to keep my dry.  Several more times she pushed me to try the pull ups, and also asked me a couple more times if I needed to go to the bathroom.  The last time she asked me, she ended up going to the restroom.

When she got back from the restroom, she asked if I was sure that I needed to go to the bathroom since I hadn't needed to go since visiting her (was about 1 hour).  I told my mom that I didn't just leak a little like her that I needed to go all the time, and that I was peeing in my diaper the entire time I was visiting her.  I finally decided that the easiest was to explain was to show her my diapers.  I asked her if it would be OK to show her the diapers that I was wearing, and that they were already wet, and she said that would be OK.  I pulled my shorts down and showed her what I was wearing, at which time I think it clicked in her mind that I had a much larger leakage in comparison to her.  She mentioned that my diapers are a lot thicker than those she had or anything she was wearing, but did mention that she had seen some men walking around in the facility that looked like they were wearing thicker diapers.  She then mentioned that now that she knows I am wearing diapers, that she could tell me that it was noticeable from behind, but it wasn't really a big deal, and it was unlikely anyone would be fully sure and mention it to me.

She said that she could tell that some of the other guest in the retirement facility also had to wear diapers, but she thought I was way too young to wear diapers.  She also mentioned how some of the other women would talk about how they needed protection, but that she had never told anyone about it before telling me about her leakage, and that she was really happy that she also now had someone she can talk to about her issues.  She then said that she thought if was inconvenient that she needed an insert, but my bladder problems are a lot worse than her problems.  When she mentioned how much younger I was and how my problems are a lot more severe than hers, I will admit I was embarrassed, and she could see it on my face.  At that point she said it is part of life, and didn't mean to make any comments at my personal expense.

Just before I was going to leave, she asked me if I wanted to leave some diapers at her place for when I visited just in case I needed to change, which I think I will do for emergencies.  She also mentioned that a good friend of hers that lived a couple of apartments away from hers had talked to her about also having to wear diapers on a regular basis, and asked if maybe I would like to speak with someone who had problems like mine in regards to incontinence.  She asked if it was OK to talk to the women about it, and I said that would be OK.

As a follow up, she talked to her neighbor about my need to wear diapers and told me that the lady would be thrilled to get together and talk with me.  While it may be nice to talk to the lady about my problems, it is also a little weird considering she is in her later 60's and based on the photo my mom showed me attractive.  I am wondering if my mom isn't trying to set me up on a date with the lady?

 

[ken2988]

Should I just leave things as they are or do what regarding my mom and/or her friend?

[~Brian~]

@ken2988

I think that it is cool that you’re able to talk to your mom about this issue. However, in my case, even though my mother has seen everything that makes me myself, I choose not to disclose this information directly to her. This is my decision, based on the fact that I don’t want everyone in the world to know that I am using diapers.  I’ve talk to my mom about many things: drugs: sex, Drinking, and other things of that nature, as well as things that are specific to my disability. The one thing that I think my mom was uncomfortable with when I was a kid was when we had the “talk” about the birds and the bees. In that case, I asked my father, or my stepdad. Normally, my mom is pretty open minded and deals with things quite well. I chose not to disclose to my parents because I don’t believe that they need to know about this. There are just more things involved than just me using diapers. I am in continent, but there are also feelings that I am dealing with, and also having diapers and using them as one thing, while wearing them also provides me with ways to deal with these “feelings“. I’m not sure my parents would understand that piece, but I am sure that my mom understands that my disability can get worse, and that can cause issues for me.

I did talk to my dad and my stepmom about this, and they were quite supportive of me. It took me a hell of a lot of guts and courage to be able to go to the doctor and ask him for help like this. It took an equal amount of that courage to be able to walk up to your dad or your stepmom and be able to talk to them about something so intimate, but they ended up taking it in stride, and they did not chastise me or make me feel bad because I decided to deal with incontinence this way. I don’t see a problem with me using diapers or wearing diapers for the reasons that I have decided to use them for, and also, I don’t think there is a reason for my mom or stepdad to know, even though they might already know, because it’s none of their concern, because they don’t have to deal with it: I do. As long as I am able to deal with it, and I follow the protocols that I have set up with my team, there is no issue, and they support me all the way.

Ken:  in 2019, I was having problems with incontinence and accidents. I always having problems in August, and that is when I finally decided to use diapers to deal with it. Prior to that, I was having accidents in my bed, in my pants, or wherever I was sitting, and it was causing me issues. It was also another issue because I was unable to end up Sleeping well throughout the night. I would always get up at say 3 o’clock in the morning, and if I was lucky, it would take me 20 minutes to use the restroom. There were other times, where I would get into the bathroom at 11, and by the time I got done it was 12:45 in the morning. This basically means that I would end up losing a half nights sleep SIMPLY because I was on the toilet.  I was also dealing with IBS diverticulitis and other issues including fecal urgency. I just got sick of having a problem where I constantly have to worry that I wasn’t in the bathroom, so I was jumping out of my chair every time I felt the need to go. Ever since I started wearing diapers, I don’t have to worry about it anymore, and the people that need to know about it, know about it. The people That do not know about it, don’t know about it. I know that my family members that I told understand my reasoning, so that’s no big deal. I just am tired of having to worry about constantly running to the bathroom. I’d rather have a wet or a messy diaper rather than have to worry about constantly running back-and-forth. Life is too short to be doing this, and I might as well enjoy my life to its fullest, and wearing my bathroom is a lot easier than going to it every five minutes.

It took a lot of guts for you to talk to your mom about this, and it seems as if your mother is supportive of your reasoning for wearing diapers. Even if she wasn’t, you have decided that this is best for you, similar to the reasoning I have come to, that my situation is best for me. I know that it can be a pain in the neck, and it can be embarrassing, but at least you were able to get it off your chest. Even if you chose not to tell your mom, you know that you need your diapers, and you know why, so it’s not a big deal as long as you are able to deal with it the way you feel is appropriate. Far too often, people are ashamed and made fun of because they decide to deal with a situation using incontinence products, and this needs to change – there are a lot of people around the world who use these things every day, and there are many disabled individuals like myself who use them as well. The only way that people are going to not feel that incontinence products are in the “negative connotation“ is to see that people are using them, and that it is easy, and as such it’s not a big deal. I think mostly the reason why we think the way we do is because our parents believed diapers were “only for babies, young children, or disabled, or frail adults“ I have learned from experience here on DD, that there are many people who wear use and like diapers for whatever reason. They wear for more than just the fact that they may be in continent: they like their diapers, or they feel that diapers give them security, just like you said when you said all through your visit with your mom, you were using your diaper. You have your diaper on, so you feel secure, and that is part of it. People wear diapers because they need them, and the need is not just physical: it is psychological, or emotional, or whatever they feel: however the feeling is there.

I usually tell people that they should not disclose the use of diapers, or their lack of diapers, or their need of diapers to anyone who “doesn’t need to know“. The reason for this is because there are way too many people who may not keep it a secret, or between the people that you trust, and they might use that against you. Also, the only person that needs to know that you use or where are the people that you trust, or that assist you with activities of daily living, or those that Provide personal care of you. Other than that, no one needs to know. That is usually what I have gone by when I decide who needs to know, and who does not. As they say, wearing a diaper is no different than wearing underwear, except at a diaper is a special type of underwear, that you can release in.

Take care Ken, and if there is anything else that we can else thattake care of him, and if there is anything else that we can help you with, please do not hesitate to ask!

Brian

[ken2988]

Thank you!  She is the only person I have told.  I needed someone to talk to about the diapers, and now I know I can go an talk to her anytime I have issues.

[ken2988]

As a follow up to having told my mom about wearing diapers a few weeks back, and the accident I had while visiting her, she sent me a letter writing about what happened.  While I appreciate that she wrote me, I do worry that if she writes it in a letter that she sends to me, will she accidently mention it to another family member?  Being in her mid 80's she is mostly of sound faculties, but she does sometimes forget things from the past, and then ask questions of me or one of my brothers about something she isn't fully sure of, so there is always that chance she could bring it up during a conversation.

[ken2988]

Since I had recently met an other lady that I think could possible lead to something in the future, I never followed up on going over and meeting with the lady that lives in the same retirement facility as my mom who she thought would have a lot in common with me due to her having very similar  incontinance issues.  I went over to her place to visit and talk last week, and she was really happy to have me visit and just loved to talk about her life, her past husbands, her kids, and her grand children.  She is fascinating and could very well become a good friend.  The funny thing is that my mom thought she was 68, but she is actually 78, but has a clear head, and is really fun to talk with.  I guess it is my personality that I have always been able to get along with older women.  

After she had talked for some time she asked me to tell her about myself and asked me if I wanted to talk about my bladder issues.  She also told me that she could have surgery to help with her bladder, but she felt like at her age it was a lot easier on her to skip the surgery and just live life as it comes.  She asked if I could have surgery or if medicine would help.  I told her that they put me on Oxybutynin to help with the incotinance, and within a couple of months I started to notice a lot of issues that included always being tired, stomach pain, and diarrhea.  She then told me that she had used the same medicine, with similar results, and asked me if I had other issues include loss of desire.  Some things can be a little embarrassing to talk about, so I didn't tell her that I actually lost much of my sexual function while on the medicine which is the main reason I stopped using it along with the fact that you are also not suppose to take alcohol with the medicine, and I still love to drink beer.

Considering how easy she is to talk with, I do expect I will visit again as friends for now.

[ken2988]

Yesterday in the afternoon Barbara, which is the name of my mom's friend, asked if I had anything to do, and asked if I wanted to come over for a late lunch and talk for a while.  Since I am really not a fan of New Year's and all of the typical crowds, I had nothing planned, so I told her that I would love to come over for a few hours and talk.  If I didn't explain before, the retirement center where she lives have full apartments where they can either cook in their rooms, eat in the Bistro, or go to a common dining area to eat.  If you ever get the chance, look up Las Ventanas in Summerlin (Las Vegas), you will see it is a really nice upscale retirement facility.  When I walked into her apartment, I could smell lasagna, which is one of my favorite foods.  I asked why she had decided to make lasagna, and she told me that when she was talking with my mom, she told her that I loved lasagna.  She also said that my mom had told her that I don't drink wine, so she had red wine for herself, and beer for me.

She then asked me if I liked the movie Shawshank Redemption.  The next thing she asked me was if I wanted to stay for the evening and watch the movie, which I told her would be great.  She then asked me if I would be ok or need to change if I stayed longer?  Since she already knows about my diaper issues, and she has similar issues, she told me that she just wanted to make sure I was comfortable about changing if I needed to change.  I told her that I could run down to my car and grab some diapers before we watched the movie just in case I needed them.  She said don't worry about it since she had bought a small package of diapers for me if I needed to use them.

I think at this point I was getting a vibe that this was more of a date then friends getting together which conflicts with my recently meeting someone else that I thought of having potential for dating.  At that point I made a quick decision in my mind that I was having fun, was going to just go with the flow, and see where things go from here forward.  I really did like the meal and was more than full when we finished.  We took our drinks and sat down on her coach and she turned on the TV and put it on a streaming channel for the movie and turned off the lights so we could see better.  As we were watching the movie, and talking, she told me how she really loved this movie.  It is one of my favorite movies, but In my past experience I have found most women are not big fans of the movie.

We sat next to each other watching the movie, and I noticed that during the movie that when we were talking she would put her hand on my shoulder or arm when she said something, and she appeared to be looking at me more than at the movie.  I also noticed that when the movie first started she was sitting about two feet away from me, but had moved over right next to me about 10-15 minutes into the movie.  It just happened to be that at this time I became really conscious about the fact my diaper was getting too full and didn't want to get her couch or her wet, so had to make the atmosphere killing comment that I thought I needed to change.  Instead of being irritated with me she quickly went and grabbed the diaper's she had purchase and brought me one and said I could go and change on her bed and she would wait for me at the TV.  If I didn't mention before, these apartments do not have doors, except on the bathrooms, so I needed somewhere private to change.  While I was in the other room changing, she was talking to me, and started making comments about my changing just around the corner from her.  She mentioned that if I didn't quickly change, she would get bored and come in and change me herself to speed things up.   If I didn't point out before, she has a somewhat wicked sense of humor, and is always making jokes that are on the edging side, so I had no doubt that this was in a flirting but not sexual manner regarding what she said.

When I went back in to site down on the couch she moved right up next to me and laid her head down on my lap when we continued to watch the movie.  Normally I would be uncomfortable with this, but considering my mom had pushed me towards her, and the fact that we get along really well for the short time we have known each other, it was actually really comfortable for me to have her head on my lap.  While I would have never said anything to her, I was getting a little turned on by having her head on my lap, and my stomach had butterflies in it.  We continued to watch the movie and out of nowhere she grabbed hold of my one arm and wrapped it around her and said she really liked this.  My assumption was that this means me with my arm around her while she was laying on the couch.

When the movie ended she said she really didn't want to move and asked if I was OK staying for a while.  She then reached up and gave me a little peck on the cheek, and then a second later a quick kiss on my lips and then pulled back.  She then said she was sorry she just did that and hoped I wasn't uncomfortable.  I have mentioned on this site that I am very shy, but at this time I just reached down and kissed her back.  Off and on for the next 20 minutes we kissed like we were teenagers again and I had no doubt that we were both attracted to each other.  While I had no doubt where she wanted things to go from here, I felt it was best if we had a very passionate kiss and I said good night.

We will see where things go from here.

I am now conflicted in regards to if I should even get together at all with the other lady I had met or see where things go from her with Barbara?

[Diapered Dave]

From what you wrote, I would say you should still get together with the other lady, and see how that goes. I mean hey, you just had one "Date" with Barbara... You're not in a committed relationship yet.  Frankly, from what you wrote about your evening with Barbara, she seems like a nice woman, but at the same time, a woman who's lonely, and realizes she has limited potential male companions because of her need for diapers and her age. From her perspective, you're a young guy, and needs diapers like her, so of course she'd make a play for you.  But does that mean she's the best potential companion for you? That's why you should have a date with the other lady and see if you two click.

I was in a similar situation in my 20's, (Nothing to do with diapers or incontinence.) where I had 2 women interested in me. I picked one without ever getting to know the other gal. Well, some time later, that relationship soured, and by then it was to late to start things back up with the other lady. I've always wondered "What if...."

Also, even though several people have mentioned "Age is just a number",  statistically, the other woman is likely to be around a lot longer than Barbara. I'm not trying to sound cold and heartless about Barbara, but from what you've written in other postings about the other woman you met, she seems much more youthful and active than Barb. I guess if I was in your shoes, with two women interested in me despite the diapers, which one would I want to get emotionally involved with? Probably the one who was more likely to be a companion for the most years.

Just my 2.75 cents worth... (Adjusted for inflation.) ?

[ken2988]

I understand where you are coming from, but I am not exactly the best catch either.  I am short (many times I have gone out with women who are taller than me), wear diapers, and have only gone out with one girl in the last couple of years being the one the dumped me when she found out about my diapers a few months back.  You are probably right that I should go out on a date with the other lady before making any decisions.  What is really interesting is that I was a little worried about going on a date with someone who is 73 because of the age difference, but I was perfectly comfortable with a 78 year old lady.  My best guess is that I went over just visiting a friend without it starting as a date, so it was without any of the pressure from when you know it is a date from the first second.  I will admit when I was younger I routinely dated older women, but since I got into my mid 40's I started dating women my age or younger.  I guess since I am not looking at having any more children, it doesn't really matter anymore!

[ken2988]

Barbara talked to my mom today and told her that she had a great time with me yesterday, and asked my mom if she would be upset if she was interested in a relationship with me?  My mom told her that she would be thrilled if she had a relationship with me, and told her she should call me up and ask me what I thought.

Barbara called me late this afternoon and told me she had run into my mom this morning and told her that we had got together as friend yesterday, and after the evening ended, she was very interested in pursuing a relationship with me.  She told me she had an amazing time yesterday, and wanted to find out what I thought of our date, and if I also had a good time?  In a way that makes me think she could read my mind, she said she knows she is almost 20 years older than me, and wondered if the age difference was too much of a difference for me, and would I like to just stay friends instead?

I was thinking about this a lot last night, and even had several dreams about us dating.  While I am not going to post photos of people on this site, if I compared her to an actress, I would say she has a similar look to actresses like Tippi Hedren when in her early 80's, Doris Day from when she was in her early 80's, or current Helen Mirran.  While she obviously doesn't look like them, she does remind me of this type of look, which I find really attractive.  I like to watch a lot of older movies and love the style from the 40's-60's  It clicked in my mind last night that I am very attracted to her.

I ended up telling her that I had a great time, and do find her very attractive, and would love to get to know her better.  While we talked on the phone, she mentioned to me that she meant everything that she said to me last night.  I wasn't sure what she was talking about, so I asked her what she meant?  She said that when she mentioned that if I didn't quickly change, she would get bored and come in and change me herself and said that while she was joking about that, she wasn't kidding that she was interested in seeing me in her bedroom, and had no issues with seeing me with or without diapers.  She also said she was a little disappointed that I suddenly left, and is happy to know that I am also interested in her.

I was really tempted to ask her how she felt about my diapers, but really felt it was way too early to push the issue, and would leave it for the future.

I am looking forward to seeing if things continue to progress.

 

 

[NannaAnnabelle]

I think Barbara sounds like a wonderful lady and there's certainly mutual attraction. I hope things work well with you two. If not hopefully you'll have at least a lasting friendship.

[ken2988]

While I want to keep writing on whatever happens in this relationship, I was thinking that I should move it to a different thread outside of medical since this has more to do with my relationship of it goes that way, then with my medical condition.  Not sure where I should continue my writing if things do move forward?  In this case I am just going to write up what actually happens, I am not sure where would be the best place to post what happens? 

[ken2988]

I decided the best place to move it was under lifestyle discussion as the following:

New relationship with Barbara who was introduced to me by my mom.