I Give Up... again.

[ozziebee]

It's been a very hot minute (or maybe a hot year or so) since I last posted or commented on here.

I've been fulltime in nappies about 3 years or so now, but I sadly have to qualify this with an asterisk.  You see, I stopped wearing my nappies, as I thought that after a period of a few months of being largely dry at night that I'd beaten my IC, managing to get some control.  Why did I want to get control, when I am ABDL and all that?

You see, during COVID, we had to work from home, and I'm largely still am WFHing.  As the weeks wore on, I got a bit depressed about the whole thing, and being inside all the time, and having activities cancelled, thus ending up with depression and a very bad habit of wearing a nappy for 24 hours straight.  The end result of each nappy was very stinky pee, but largely clear of poop.  I had problems as a result, with UTI's, and terrible constipation (I'd hold and hold and hold a poop until next change, whcih could be +12 hours later...).

I got so depressed about the world, and so fed up about the stink of my nappies, that I started giving a shit about having to change. It was not fun, so I started to try to hold it, and try to get some control.  After a few months, I found I was dry at night at times - I'd change before going to bed, and in the morning, it'd be dry, and I'd be bursting for a pee.  

One day, I found my knickers I'd stashed in a backpack in the garage, pulled them out, put one on, and wondered if I could stay dry.

I had numerous close calls - urges that would send me to the toilet, big urges that would amount to very little output, or a tiny urge that'd turn into a torrent.  I even had a few dreams at night of peeing - and waking up 100% sure I'd wet, but nothing - bone dry.  I had numerous nappy dreams too.  That nappy fetish was never going away it seemed.  

But all was not as it seemed.  

At first, I think I was largely successful at staying dry.  My trips to the toilet were frequent, and often lacking in output.  But dry was a relative term.  No, I had not had outright accidents with pee running down my leg, but at the end of the day, my knickers would be wet.  I'd often be sitting, and feel a drop or two touch skin.  I'd get home from work, and have to change knickers due to that wetness and smell.  

A few days ago, I changed into a nappy.  Oh heavenly bliss.  If I was going to wet my knickers, I may as well wet my nappy.  I very quickly noticed the urges disappear, and urination far more frequent with little volume.  It has also not escaped my attention that every nappy has had some sort of poop episode.  

The end result is that I'm back in nappies 24x7, and I give up the idea of trying to get dry, and I also accept that whatever happens happens regarding #2 (I've had issues with that all my life).  I'm ok with this, really.  I don't think I was ever truly "dry" anyway, and I know I've not been at ease with myself as a result - I felt guilty about wearing knickers and self-conscious.  

As we come out the other end of COVID here in Australia, and life returns to normal (well, as normal as life will get here as the world rages on with it), that depression is largely behind me.

I know that there are some of us here (I'm looking at you @oznl ) who wonder whether they could still be dry if the decision was made to stop after 2+ years of nappy wearing and use.  Here is my thought - you will find you would be largely "dry", but this is relative to how long you've been in nappies.  You could quite easily hold it, but find you'll be hypersensitive to such things that would normally set you off into a leak in nappies, such as running water, laughter (I leaked really easily when laughing), exercise, etc.   Nappy training is a thing too.  As soon as I got changed into a nappy, the flood gates opened, and hasn't stopped since.  It'd be interesting to attempt another stop in a year or two's time, and see if I can get any sort of control.  

Will I go to the doc and start that whole process again I went through three years prior?  No.  The end result last time was no conclusion.  So screw that.  

 

 

[oznl]

Welcome back to the Hotel California ?

[Stroller]

1 hour ago, ozziebee said:

A few days ago, I changed into a nappy.  Oh heavenly bliss.

Welcome home ozziebee.  And don't forget to change when you need changing from now on!

[Little Sherri]

This is very interesting, @ozziebee. You and @oznl are out ahead of me - I've been 24/7 for two years now. I have often wondered what it would be like to go back, not because I want to (I definitely don't), but just as an experiment more than anything else. But it's hard to conduct such testing while wearing a nappy - I suspect that it skews the results. Paradoxically, though, I think that if I reintroduced boxers into my wardrobe, I might endanger the delicate balance I've achieved with my spouse, who is unenthusiastic, but tolerant, of the reality that I'm wearing diapers all the time. If I demonstrate that I can flip back and forth at will, she might, say, request that I not wear a diaper when we next visit her parents, for example. I have no interest in waging a new campaign to regain ground that I had already "won". I'd also have to go shopping, as I discarded the last of my boxers when I moved houses last fall. Not that my enthusiasm for this has ever really waned very much, but there have been a couple of situations - medical appointments and such - where, had I had ready access to a non-diaper option, I might have elected to go that route. But because I would have to have gone to a store, I decided to stay the course, and put something plastic on. 

However, I suspect that my physiological experience would be similar to yours. As much as I thought I was on the road to becoming a bedwetter again for the first year or so of this experiment, lately, unless I wake up and deliberately go, the only moisture in my nappy in the morning is whatever was in there when I went to bed. This may have to do as much with exhaustion as with anything else - we've been incredibly busy, and I've been having rock-like dreamless sleeps that last 6 or 8 hours - but the fact remains that, while I'm awake, I don't often go more than 30 minutes without emitting something, but at night, apparently, my body remains committed to practicing the lessons it learned very early on. Which is funny, because when I was a kid, I never had any issues with daytime continence, whereas at night, I was a leaky faucet, and now, I seem to have flipped that onto its head. 

I believe, though, that if I took my diaper off, and started going to the washroom every 30 minutes or so, and then worked on pushing that out, I might have uncomfortable moments, and probably would dampen an outfit here or there, but, if I persevered, I could probably get back to being functionally in control within a short period of time. But I have no desire to do that.

[spark]

I think I'm behind you guys as well, but not by much.   

For example, I went to the gym yesterday.  I wear disposable diapers exclusively, because I just can't get cloth diapers to work for me.    Prior to heading to the gym I checked the condition of my diaper.  I could have made it a few more hours at home, but not in public with that much movement.  I didn't want to put on a new diaper for the gym only to change it a few hours later when I got home and showered, so I went without a diaper.   I did fine, except I was constantly aware of my bladder, and made sure to use the dreaded potty before starting my workout.   Halfway through the hour I felt the slight urge and almost had to excuse myself (would be 2nd time in an hour).  It passed, and I made it through the workout without any serious issues. 

In the past I've used Pull Ups for those events, because it still gives me the security, and is little more reusable.   Ironically,, when I'm padded, I don't typically have the urgency issues while exercising.   It's a case where I'll be fine for 2 to 3 hours with the security of padding, but without it- I have a stronger awareness and urgency.

[oznl]

15 hours ago, ozziebee said:

You see, during COVID, we had to work from home, and I'm largely still am WFHing.  As the weeks wore on, I got a bit depressed about the whole thing, and being inside all the time, and having activities cancelled, thus ending up with depression and a very bad habit of wearing a nappy for 24 hours straight. 
As we come out the other end of COVID here in Australia, and life returns to normal (well, as normal as life will get here as the world rages on with it), that depression is largely behind me.

It’s been a terrible year (well, terrible 1.2 years now) and you’re not alone.  I’m pretty sure that I’m well into clinical depression territory myself now but I’m not quite on any metaphorical window ledges although the world seems grey and pointless to me lately.  For some reason, I don't want the diagnosis or the meds.  I'm somewhat pleased on behalf of other people that there is light at the end of the pandemic tunnel but the decision of my employer to offshore my team's work will survive the pandemic.   My job isn't coming back to Australia and my age, along with my specialisation, appears to be making re-employment very, very hard...

15 hours ago, ozziebee said:

I know that there are some of us here (I'm looking at you @oznl ) who wonder whether they could still be dry if the decision was made to stop after 2+ years of nappy wearing and use.  Here is my thought - you will find you would be largely "dry", but this is relative to how long you've been in nappies.  You could quite easily hold it, but find you'll be hypersensitive to such things that would normally set you off into a leak in nappies, such as running water, laughter (I leaked really easily when laughing), exercise, etc.   Nappy training is a thing too.  As soon as I got changed into a nappy, the flood gates opened, and hasn't stopped since.  It'd be interesting to attempt another stop in a year or two's time, and see if I can get any sort of control. 

I remain (possibly irrationally) confident that I can be continent during the day.  Like @spark, I’d probably wear a pull up or something as an insurance policy though.  Not because I’d wet myself by surprise but because urgency and frequency would be such things that common scenarios might see me get caught short.  Zero to doubled-over and leaking is 2 hours.  I’ve tested that…

I’m more curious about nights.  Lately, I pretty much NEVER get woken by any urges and as far as I can tell, my bladder is basically empty when I do wake.  I can recall deliberately emptying a few squirts here and there (sometimes) but never to the extent of what I find in my nappy the next morning.

On the face of it, it seems that I’ve trained myself not to wake up (much) for a pee.  I fully accept it might well be that I DO wake up but just not enough to remember it.  The bottom line (pun intended) however is that I’ve lost most insight into how my night nappy gets so wet these days.

The acid test of course would be to try sleeping without a nappy for a few nights.  It’s possible that I’m not deeply asleep and my subconscious will save the day (and the bedding).  In this scenario, I would have reached something of an ABDL nirvana – I would wet the bed but only if I’m in nappies.  I’m still waiting for COVID to allow my spouse to travel in order to try to find out.

Anyway, glad to have you back although it does seem that you can never leave ?