Butterflies (Complete!)

[YourFNF]

2 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

"Life is a rental, Ky; you don't get to keep it forever and you've only got this one really short time to have it and enjoy it. I think if you're doing something that makes you happy, it makes the other person happy, and you're both consenting adults, I don't think anything is a cheat code really. I take a pill so I don't sweat cause the smell of boy sweat makes me oddly uncomfortable for reasons I am not going to explore - is that cheating? Should I just learn to deal with it?"

Eggggggggg

 

2 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

"Well," she said, stepping into the room. "It's too late for little girls to be awake.  So how about we get you tucked in."

I sunk into the bed and I let Marnie cover me up all over again, though I'd kick them off in a few minutes all the same.  Then she kissed me on the forehead and smiled warmly in the glow of the nightlight.

"Goodnight, little one," she whispered.

"'Night, Mommy," I muttered, just before drifting off to sleep.

I am so glad she and Eliot are finally talking and she is so cute with her mommy

[Sophie ♥]

2 hours ago, YourFNF said:

Is it wrong that I'm kind of jealous of these three? Like at they have space to process without worrying about the basics.

NO YOU ARE NOT WRONG! >:O The government should provide you with basic food and shelter if you can't work so you also have space to process your own problems!! *gets off my Soapy box*

TBH tho, we added universal basic income to this worldspace for this /exact/ reason.  Pudding and I both said "we don't want to write two young adults struggling at jobs (like so many do!) because it's boring and all it does is impede character development".  Seriously, think of how much better novels would be if adults didn't always /have/ to be working and it could be an author's choice.

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Eleven

"Soooooo..." I rocked back on my heels with a bright smile.  I was having way too much fun with this! "What kind do you get?  Thongs?  Hmm, you don't strike me as a thong-kinda-boy..." Though, in retrospect, I didn't know what kind of boy that meant.

We were having lunch at the mall again.  My week away had done me wonders and I was better than ever!  Plus, no more secrets.  Well, still secrets.  But at least it was out there now.  I didn't have to sneak around with Marnie anymore.

"Sure, I can answer that question; how about you tell me about your undies first, though?"

It was my very tactful way of letting her know that she was asking a question that was a little bit out of social graces to be chasing after. I didn't blame her for it! And I actually found myself pretty proud of her acceptance of my olive branch, as well as endeared by her curiosity. But we were in public, A. And B, that was a pretty personal question to be asking a boy!

"I buy 6 packs at Target," I said casually. "Fruit of the Loom, or... I dunno, whatever they have.  I'm not picky."

"Oh my stars, Ky, you're basically wearing sandpaper at that point - how do you move in those? Is your skin okay? You have skin, don't you?" A full body shiver ran down from my shoulders and I shook my head as though shooing away an annoying bug.

"You poor poor soul, you sweet cinnamon roll, you just don't know any better, do you?" I took her hand across the table and squeezed comfortingly.

I rolled my eyes.  Such a drama queen.

"Well... if it's such a big deal, then let's go underwear shopping.  Take me to where you go, and I'll get some panties that aren't sandpaper." This was an interesting move on my part.

One, I wanted to encourage Eliot's panty-thing.  Why?  Because gender norms are bullshit, and I'm probably a lesbian, and panties are way sexier.  Not that I cared if Eliot was sexy, but it was the principle of the matter.

Two, I never, ever, ever went clothes shopping with Eliot.  He took forever and cared about stupid stuff.  It was exhausting!  But I could endure it one time.

So I should have said no, for any number of reasons. One reason, for example, was that Ky had the patience of a six year old and hated going clothes shopping with me - this one time, her phone had ran flat and she had resorted to putting the store mannequins in lewd positions until we got kicked out. Secondly, and this was a good reason if not a particularly nice one, I didn't think that Ky could really afford to shop for panties at the kinds of places I went to. But you know, she was trying, wasn't she? Even if this was just to poke fun of me - which knowing her, it could have been? - I was just going to take it at face value.

"Alright, but they're going to want to fit you properly, and you gotta understand that you get what you pay for when it comes to clothes, okay?"

It was the best primer I could have given her, to be honest. Either way, she was going to freak out at paying fifty credits for a pair of underwear.

"Fit me...?  Like, get my size?  I know my size."

Well, I know what size I bought, and those fit me alright.  Three cheers for elastic, am I right? Eliot cleared his tray and set it on top of the garbage can, and we started our way to the other end of the mall.  The clothes side.  Ugh.

The mall had roughly two divided ends; in my head I referred to them as the Style Wing and the Tacky Wing. The further from the center you strayed in either position, the deeper you got into the theme of that wing. I mean, I was sure it wasn't designed that way, but I was a very peculiar boy; I had to organize things in a very peculiar way.

I got my panties at a few places. And I wasn't like... shy about it. I didn't know anybody who worked at either of my favorite boutiques, so I was honest about who I was buying for when I went there. Taking Ky with me felt a bit like crossing the streams, piercing the veil, worlds colliding and all of that dramatic nonsense - but I mean, she already knew, right?

"This is the place," I motioned. The store had a door. Inside the mall. A door. That's the kind of classy place this was. There wasn't even a sign above, nothing so gaudy, just simple lettering on the glass that read Her Captivating Visage in pretentious lettering.

Oof.

"Alright... in we go."

It was a lingerie store.  Underwear, bras, sexy nighties or whatever.  Nothing for guys, obviously.  The whole place had a pale pink vibe to it, and the feminine energy hurt even me.  On our way to the counter - near the center of the store - I didn't see a single thing I would even remotely wear.  So, maybe Eliot's 'panty-wearing' thing was a bit weirder than I thought...

"Oh, Eliot!"

The voice belonged to a woman who was older than the two of us, but not by much - a few years, maybe.  Her name was Caroline, and she was five feet tall, with hair as red as a fire hydrant and freckles in numbers rivaling the stars. But she was bright, peppy, and... her exuberance faded when she saw that I was with company. For a moment she looked nervous, until I reassured her of something very simple.

"It's okay, Caroline; this is Ky, she knows."

"Oh good," Caroline sighed, putting her hand to her chest, "I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to out you or anything. You know, put you in a difficult position?"

"We're actually here for Ky today, anyway, you know she buys her knickers at Target?"

"Oh my heavens."

"That's what I said!"

"Oh you poor sweet summer child."

"I think I said that, too!"

"Well, Ky, is it? I'm Caroline, and we're about to get very familiar - come come."

"Uh..." I gave Eliot a weird look as Caroline motioned me away from him.  But his nod of encouragement told me that this was totally normal.  Not for me, of course.  But for whatever world he lived in.

I followed Caroline into a side-room with mirrors and a curtain.  She pulled a tape measure out of her pocket and motioned to my jeans.

"Slip those down for me," she said with pure professionalism. "Just to your knees."

"Um... sure..."

A woman had never asked me to undress before.  Even Marnie didn't ask.  I fumbled with the button on my jeans and slid them off my hips, flashing my boring purple underwear.  Suddenly, I felt a little embarrassed...

"Just hold still for me, dearest darling, legs slightly apart, there we go."

Caroline was clearly very professional at what she did, taking measurements and jotting them down on a notepad monogrammed with the store’s understated logo. Between this moments, however, she took the advantage for conversation.

"So are you and Eliot dating? It's good to know that his good taste doesn't just extend to panties."

"Um... no... we're just friends..." Her hands brushed my inner thigh as the measuring tape was threaded through.  I felt heat flood my cheeks.  Who knew getting sized was such a... sapphic experience.

"Oh, you are? Well that's nice, too. He's a very lovely boy, very kind and sweet - spends far too much money here, but who am I judge?"

Stepping back, Caroline tapped her pink pen against her chin thoughtfully.

"Let's get your full measurements taken while we're in here - that way you'll know for when you buy a new bra, or a corset, or a slip."

Not a question, notable; more of a direction.

"I... uh.  I don't really think I'll need any of that," I said nervously, pulling my jeans back up to my waist and fumbling with the button.  For some reason, I was having trouble...

"Nonsense.  You don't even have to take off your shirt."

"...I guess." What was the harm, right?

"You know that five out of five women are wearing the wrong bra size, don't you? That's allowing for a few percentage of deviation plus or minus, but the grand majority are. You wouldn't want Eliot to be properly sized and show you up, would you?" Caroline laughed and started measuring new areas, noting new numbers.

"He must like you, you know. For him to share this with you."

"...I guess," I muttered again.  She had me put my arms out and wrapped the tape measure around my chest, then under my breasts.  She would lean in to read the numbers, like maybe her eyesight wasn't so great.  But every time she got close to me, I felt warm again.

She wasn't my type!  Small, for one.  And older than me.  But by the time she was done taking my measurements I felt a lot less sure about everything.

I returned to Eliot in the store and avoided eye contact with him.  Jeeze, this sucked...

"Alright, here is yoooouurrr copy.”

Caroline handed Ky a little printed card with all her pertinent numbers on it, but I was more interested in the color on my friends cheeks, the way she wouldn't look up, the little indents on her lip where she'd been biting it. Fascinating! Caroline must have really had an impact on her, huh? She mumbled something in gratitude, and I put my arm around her lower back and pulled her in for a half-hug.

"See, was that so hard, Ky? Let's have Caroline show you some recommendations for knickers, okay? She's got really good taste, although she's pretty bias towards v-strings and cheekies..."

Caroline puffed out her chest and argued in defense of her position.

"Eliot! It's not my fault you have the butt for it, okay? You're wasting your potential."

"Maybe I am, but we should help Ky not waste hers, mm?"

"Of course, of course. Come along, Ky."

I didn't like this world I'd tumbled into.  This must be how Alice felt after going into that rabbit hole!  Everything was backwards.  Weird.  Wrong.  And my best friend talked about women's underwear like a goddamn professional, and this store attendant acted like I wanted to be dressed like some prissy princess, trying to sex some dude into my bed with lace and satin.  UGH!

But I'd made my bed.  I volunteered to come here, partly as a way to make fun of Eliot and partly as a curious enabler.  This was my fault.  I definitely wouldn't make this mistake again!

"These are going to look really good with your butt shape.” Caroline held up a pair of impossibly soft feeling pale pink hip-hugging panties with red hearts printed all over and then nodded to an adjacent rack. "There is a bra in the same print, and it should be flattering for your bust size, too. Drive that Mister or Miss Wonderful in your life a little bit nutty, which is always fun."

I was on the other side of the boutique, not in sightline, but listening in with a little smile. Ky had to be sixteen types of uncomfortable right now - should I be saving her...? Naw. Not yet.

"Uh... that's not really... my... uh."

Caroline looked at me oddly and I was forced to look away.  Jeeze...

"Do you have anything less... pink?  Or like.  I dunno..." Panty shopping with Eliot.  Top of the list of things I never thought I'd do.  Well, there was some stuff with Marnie that ranked higher.

"Sure, what's your favorite color? Your complexion tends towards warmer tones, but that isn't to say we can't work with other colors. How about we pick out a few designs and colors and I'll help you to try them on, and you can get a better idea that way?"

"Sure..."

My favorite color?  It was probably black.  Or blue.  Or, maybe a dark purple?  But when I relayed these to her, she seemed less certain.

"I mean, this is a lingerie store, right?  So isn't black underwear like, normal...?"

"I suppose... let me see what we have."

Black, as it turned out, didn't mean black - there was four different shades of black, in different finishes and textures, and then printed and unprinted. But Caroline did manage to pick out a pair of soft black panties in a boy-short style, that shimmered and flowed like the surface of water and felt impossibly light in the hand.

"Would you like help trying these on?"

"I think I know how to put underwear on," I said dryly and took them from her.  They were... weirdly soft.  I mean, underwear are always soft.  But this was a totally different level.  I went into the changing room and stripped out of my jeans and Target panties, before slipping into the new pair.  And.  WOW.  Okay.  Comfort aside, they were... really gorgeous.  I was nearly turned on by my own reflection!  Huh.

"She's so uncomfortable." I smiled to Caroline, and she crossed her arms and nodded knowingly.

"They always are. Just the first time though, and then it gets easier."

"Honestly, this is something they should teach girls in school. How to shop for underwear properly."

"Boys, too." Caroline added, and nudged me with her elbow.

"Boys, too." I concurred, and then wandered over to the racks to look for some panties for me.

"How're you doing in there, Ky? Would you like to show me?" Caroline asked, through the curtain. "I do have several bra styles that will match with those, if you're interested."

I came out wearing my old underwear and jeans, but I definitely had a different air about me.  I was... swayed, so to speak.

"Yeah, a bra sounds nice."

If it was half as beautiful and half as comfortable as the underwear, it would be an upgrade from the shitty Target bra I wore most of the time.

I didn't know much about bras - I wore panties, that was my thing - but Caroline was always shilling the virtues of proper fitting and I knew this was probably about to change Ky's life. I'd be buying today, because I had the credits anyway, and this was just going to be a little less that I could buy. Honestly, she'd paid for a lot for me, and the idea that she'd be paying over a hundred for a pair of panties and a bra would spook her into not doing it.

"Trust me, I need to come in with you on this one, Ky," Caroline was explaining, "to check for your fit, adjust your straps, show you where it should sit and all that. Come now, stop fussing."

I pouted a bit and nodded my head.  I wasn't thrilled about the idea of some woman seeing me topless, but bras required a bit more finesse than panties.  I understood her reasoning.  So Caroline led the way into one of the changing rooms with a few bras in hand, all matching the sparkly black of my new underwear.

Demi. Strapless. Wired. Wireless. T-shirt. There was a lot more to a bra than 'guess cup size, go to Target, profit', and Caroline was more than happy to oblige in explaining this eccentricity. In the end, she recommended a black number with a smidgen of padding for size, and a firm wire for support, and a fit that when clasped around Ky's chest felt less like a restrictive bit of patriarchy, and much more like a gentle and warm hug. She fussed with the shoulder straps, explained the asymmetry at play in many women's bodies, and then turned Ky around to examine her work.

"Now that sends the right message."

Well.  She was right.  I needed a new bra.  She was pretty much right about everything.  Honestly, I was surprised.  Surprised, maybe, that Eliot's way of life had more logic to it than I first thought.  I went up to the register with my two new articles of clothing and pulled out my Income card.

"How much?"

"I'll take care of it," I interjected, setting down my own haul of three pairs of panties. Caroline looked bemused, from me, to Ky, back to me.

"Well, chivalry isn't so dead after all, is it now?"

"Exactly. Put it on my card."

I knew how much things cost here. The last thing I wanted was Ky to back out. She was glaring at me, though.

"Relax, Ky, you buy me things all the time. Think of this as a welcome gift, into the magical world of fashion? Okay?"

I walked out of the store behind Eliot with the bag in my hand. "How much was it?"

"I'm not telling you."

"Was it forty?" He didn't say anything. "Fifty?!"

"You had a good time, didn't you?"

I paused to think about that. "Yeah, I guess I did..."

"Caroline is really nice - her Mom owns the boutique, and Caroline is there a lot of the time. There's another lady - Alice - but she's not as a cute. Maybe when I grow up, I'll have cute freckles and a figure like hers, wow." I was feeling unusually comfortable, maybe because I'd literally just gone shopping for ladies undies with Ky and it was totally fucking normal.

"A figure like hers?" I tilted my head to the side curiously.  A woman's figure owed a lot to hips, which I guess was a weird but also okay thing for a guy to think.  But her figure also owed a lot to her boobs, especially in Caroline's case.

"You wanna get some breast implants, hm?" I teased.

"Psh, no."

That caught me off guard, admittedly.

"I just mean she's real attractive, you know?" Then I deflected some. "I saw the way you were blushing, so you don't even need to try and hide the fact that you noticed, too."

"I don't blush," I said flatly.  But it was hard to deny the way she made me feel.  Just, being that close.  Being that... intimate.  Ugh, I was becoming sappy... how disgusting.

"Sure you don't, and I don't wear cute artisanal underwear, either." I rolled my eyes. "I'm glad we shared some stuff, Ky. It makes me feel like I'm a bit closer to you for having done so, if that makes sense? And I really never had any shortage of fondness for you, so this is... nice."

"Yeah, well... I guess it's going pretty well." I hated to admit it, but my best friend was becoming an even better friend.  It sounds like a good thing: being able to talk to your best friend.  But it filled me with a sense of impending... angst.  A sickly suspense.  Like blowing up a balloon too much...

"You sound troubled, you know? Like, you sound the way I sound after eating, like, yeah okay it was fine, but there's a sense of dread there, too. Or maybe I'm off base, who knows. I'm not a doctor or a genius."

"No, you're not off base.  It's just..." Mm.  This went against everything I believed in.

"You don't like getting too emotional," he guessed, though it was hardly a guess.

"Yeah," I said. "And I don't want things to change too much.  Even though I liked shopping with you today."

Already, a lot had changed.  He told me he had a crush on me.  I came out to him.  He told me he wears women's underwear.  I told him about my panic attacks.  After years of stasis, things were volatile.  What would change next?  I didn't like it...

"Change is like the most scary thing in the world, but also it's like one of the most cathartic thing, too. Like... paying off a debt. It sucked to do it, because you've had to go without, but at the same time it's a relief because you know you did it, too. Change is like that. And it scares me, too, because sometimes I feel like you and me are a done deal, like we're gonna be around each other forever, and other times I feel like it's all so precarious and one day I might blink and you'll be gone. So upheaval like this... yeah, I get why you're scared."

"I don't get the cathartic part," I admitted. "But I guess I'm having fun, so I don't have a lot to bitch about." But I couldn't shake the nagging feeling... this was the beginning of something bad.

----------------------

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[YourFNF]

I personally not a fan of lingerie style but I wish I could find stuff in like cute prints, with quality fabric that doesn't cost a fuck ton of money ??

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Twelve

"Table for three, please," I said with an ounce of uncertainty.  The whole 'two worlds collide' thing was still on a shaky foundation.  Marnie patted my shoulder and Eliot fiddled with one of the buttons on his vest.

The tall guy took three menus and led us through the crowded restaurant, passing people in various states of dining.  Some waiting for a check, some waiting for their food, and some waiting to swallow and take another bite.

I sat in the booth and Marnie sat beside me, which was... strange.  Unfamiliar.  When Marnie and I went out to dinner, we sat across from each other.  When Eliot and I went out to dinner, we sat across from each other.  But there weren't three-sided tables in the restaurant.

"Your server will be right with you."

The tall guy left the menus and walked away.  Ugh, this was weird...

I didn't look at the menu, but the two of them both did - almost like they were afraid to not have a distraction from spending time together. I didn't know much about social graces or dating, and especially when it came to a girl dating another girl - hmm. Were they dating? Ky said they weren't, but even if they were, she'd have said that anyway. Well, whatever I guess. I decided to cut the tension with the proverbial knife.

"This place is nice, in that kind of hasn't realized it's going to be wiped out by fast casual in four years sort of way, right?"

I almost knew what that meant.

"I like sit-down restaurants," Marnie said with an air of nostalgia. "Especially if they have salad or breadsticks.  It's like... an experience."

"Eliot doesn't like any experience with food," I joked, but Marnie gave me a quizzical look.

"Huh?"

"She's being a jokester," I shot back with a playful grin, because I didn't get shy or awkward about things personal to me; I got swaggery instead and played it off with my boyish charm. I had lots of that. Being a man? Not so much. But I sure could be a boy.  "Are you two going to share something, two straws, kiss at the end of the sketti, that kind of thing?"

Marnie blinked in surprise, clearly caught off guard.  My tone turned sour.

"For the hundredth time, we aren't dating."

Marnie tilted her head a little and looked at me, then at Eliot.

"Oh... I see," she hummed. "No, we're not dating.  We're just friends."

"I bet those people aren't dating," I motioned to the pair of girls sitting in the corner, who were very clearly twins. "And they're sharing a meal. I'm just saying."

Somehow my attempts at diluting the awkwardness had only concentrated it.

I narrowed my eyes at my best friend and Marnie must have noticed, because she stepped in to explain.

"Kylie and I are purely platonic, I assure you.  We sort of... fill a role in each others' lives.  She needs help with a few of her problems she faces, and I need to feel important to someone."

"Just because I have another friend that isn't you," I said sharply, "doesn't mean I want to fuck her."

"Language," Marnie said offhandedly, more like a reminder than a reprimand.  

I crossed my arms and sunk into my seat.

I didn't like conflict - I could hold my own with Ky, but with Ky being on high alert and with the presence of Marnie (who I barely knew,) it was just more than I could stomach. So I nodded and smiled.

"I completely understand.” I didn’t. “I’m sorry for pushing the issue, I like seeing Ky happy, that's all."

I looked up at Eliot with annoyance, but Marnie took my hand under the table.  Her thumb ran over my skin and I took a deep breath to steady myself.  I hated having to explain myself to him, but telling the truth would be so much harder.

"Can I get you anything to drink?" A woman in a red shirt with a notepad appeared at our table.

"Water."

"Water."

"What red wines do you have?" Marnie asked.  

You could tell which of us had a job.  She ordered something French and the waitress turned back to the table.

"Are you ready to order?"

Marnie got a chicken cobb salad.  I got a burger.  And of course Eliot had to make it difficult.

"He'll have the same thing as me," I interrupted, halfway through his speech about 'not being hungry' and 'had a big lunch'.

"I really won'- ow, why'd you kick me?" Ky gave me a frustrated look, like the type you give to a sibling who's about to share an unfavorable story, and I sighed and relented to the order. I wasn't going to eat it, I really couldn't imagine anything worse than eating at a time like this. The waiter smiled and I slunk a little bit down into my chair. The cobb salad would have been easier to root around in.

"I'm gonna go wash my hands," I told Marnie, mostly so she would let me out of the booth.  She obliged, and I hurried off to the bathroom.

Marnie sat back down and smiled across the table at Eliot.  The two had only been alone a handful of times, and they had always been... poignant moments.  Why break tradition?

"Kylie makes you eat when you aren't hungry?" she asked.

Oh boy. This sure was awkward. On the one hand, I could tell her that I just didn't like eating very much. On the other, I could tell her that yes, Kylie makes me eat when I don’t want to and shift the focus off of me. Neither seemed like great options, though, and I found myself biting the edge of my lip.

"She's probably worried that I'm embarrassing her, honestly."

Not an answer, not by any means. But something, right? A shift, a diversion?

"Mmhmm." Marnie nodded her head and leaned forward on the table. "It's okay if you're worried about eating too much.  You buy a lot of nice clothes, and if you didn't fit into them I bet it would make you very sad.  Right?"

It was a bit odd coming from Marnie, who was not only quite tall but quite thick.  She couldn't fit into Eliot's clothes to save her life.

Well, that was strange. Not weird, per se, but just unexpected. Although I did really appreciate her noticing my taste in attire, and I decided to roll with that angle.

"You think my clothes are nice? Thank you. I'm still not as good at layering as I could be, but that just comes with a lifetime of practice, I think, and I'm not a lifetime old yet."

"You're better than most," Marnie said with a smile, but she took note of how he dodged away from talking about food. "Don't eat more than you're comfortable with, okay?  Let me worry about Ky."

"I don't think Ky needs too much worrying about. She's a force of nature, or at least I think so. I did convince her to come clothes shopping with me, though, and-" Shoot. Yeah. Marnie was probably not who I wanted to talk to about this - I got so caught up in the moment of it that I almost said something I shouldn't have. "Oh never mind, I just was really proud of her, that's all."

Where are you Ky? Your not-girlfriend is doting over me and that's not something I'm ready for.

Luckily for Eliot, I came back only a moment later, drying my hands on my pants. "I hate hand-dryers... but paper towels are bad for the environment.  We should go back to the times when we had washcloths to dry our hands on."

I pushed Marnie into the booth and took her seat on the end.  Our drinks had come already and I sipped at my water.

"What are we talking about?"

"How you're a force of nature, and you love to get your way." I piped up, sipping my glass of my water with a little smirk on my lips. Marnie wore lipstick, and her straw had little peach rings on it from where her lips met the plastic. I couldn't help but be entranced by the aesthetic… just a little bit.

"That's quite true," Marnie said with a smile. "You are a bit of a princess, hm?"

I gave her a sharp look and a hint of color touched my cheeks. "Whatever."

Luckily, our conversation was broken by the arrival of our food.  Two burgers and a salad.  I hadn't eaten all day, and I was starving!  But Eliot was picking the sesame seeds off his burger to waste time.

They were both looking at me, and I was really hoping conversation would take them to looking at each other before too much longer. Marnie had said something vague about leaving Ky in her hands, but so far as I knew it there was no way to tame Kylie. I went for my own defensive path - boring them to death.

"I think this bun is below the national average of 178 sesame seeds, and I'm wondering if there's some authority I can call to report that to."

"Just eat it," I said flatly.  Did he have to do this song and dance every time we went out to dinner?

I watched him take a bite or two or three, but by the time my burger was gone, he had barely finished a quarter of his.  Marnie was halfway through her salad and we were talking about ice sculptures.

"It seems like a waste... you could sculpt it in stone and it would last forever."

"Stone is probably harder to work with," Marnie offered.

"Beauty fades, and that is why it is beautiful. I don't remember where I heard that, but it sounded really poignant for this conversation." I contributed, putting a fry back on the plate in a different place to where I picked it up from.

I liked that we weren't talking about me anymore. I was uncomfortable when things were about me.

I watched Eliot pick up a fry and put it back down again.  I looked sharply at his plate and then up into his eyes.

"Eat."

"I am."

"No, seriously.  You're being stupid." I didn't want to start a big thing right now, but he was going to get himself hurt.  He never ate enough.  He's just so dumb sometimes!

"Kylie?" Marnie asked, tilting her head by the chin.  

I looked up at her and she leaned in close.  Her lips to my ear.  She whispered quietly a long sentence and pulled away.  My cheeks grew very warm and I sunk into the table, crossing my arms.  But I was quiet.  Not a word.

I didn't know what was said. I didn't know what magic words Marnie had whispered into Ky's ear, but she calmed down and went tomato faced and I pushed my water plate forward a little and forced a smile.

"I'll get a take out box, okay?"

And then my roommate could eat it, and Ky would be placated. It wasn't my fault I wasn't hungry, and her making a big deal out of it in front of her friend was a bit embarrassing anyway.

The check came.  Marnie paid.  Eliot protested, but he would soon learn that Marnie always paid.  It wasn't something he could change.  On our way out of the restaurant, Marnie held my hand.  She didn't hold my hand on the way inside.

Just friends, right? Because as friends, I totally held Ky's hand like all the time. It sucked a little bit, because I had a crush on Kylie and it was obvious from looking at Marnie that she just so happened to like the exact opposite of everything that I was or could be. So that stung. But it was nice to see her happy for a change, and not just being a human ball of lightning bouncing from fixation to fixation.

"I'm going to drive," Marnie said, taking the keys out of my pocket.  Marnie's scooter was parked at Kylie’s apartment and Eliot met them here.  Kylie gave her a sour look, but she didn't say anything to argue.

"See you later, Eliot," I told him with a weird tone in my voice.  Something unfamiliar to him, probably. "Call you tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure thing. You be good for Marnie now, you hear?"

It was a risk to involve myself in her thing like that, but sue me for wanting to be a part of something that made her happy. I had to get my leftovers home anyway, so this all worked out.

----------------------

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[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Thirteen

Marnie drove my car, back toward my little corner of town.  Unfortunately, my corner of town was the same corner of town where Eliot and Noland lived.  We pulled into the same parking lot of a department store.  Marnie helped me out of the car and took my hand again, leading me inside.

"Let's look at the toys, sweetheart." Marnie cooed to Ky, and she said it as a statement and not as a question, like she was infallible and knew best.

"Can't we just go home," I muttered as Marnie tugged me toward the toy aisle.  She skipped over the Legos and the Nerf guns and went right to the dolls.  A blush colored my cheeks.

"You were really good today," Marnie smiled at me. "And you listened when I told you to, right?  So this is your reward."

I pouted and pulled my hand out of hers. "We're getting the toy and we're leaving," I said quietly, almost whispering.

"That's nice, sweetie."

That was one of Marnie's signature moves, and one she could only be away with if she was in peak form and confidence. And maybe that would have lasted too, if she wasn’t almost sure she recognized a familiar boy walk by at the end of the aisle with a shopping basket in his hand.

"What?" I looked at Marnie with an ounce of worry.  She had a strange face painted on, like she was thinking too hard.

"Probably nothing," she said with a smile, and led Kylie into the aisle.  

It took me all of two seconds to pick out what I wanted - a furniture set for my dollhouse.  I had picked it out days ago, but I wasn't allowed to spend my own money on Marnie-related objects.  I had to wait until she bought it for me.

On our way out of the aisle, she looked around curiously, maybe trying to find something on the shelves.  But then she shrugged.

"Guess it was nothing," she said to herself, and took Kylie’s hand again.  But she wasn't leading her to the checkout - she was leading her deeper into the store.

"You said we could go," I pouted.

"Marnie just wants to look at candles, sweetheart."

It was no coincidence that she chose to word it that way - Marnie and Mommy had remarkably similar cadences at first listen.  How was Marnie to know that Eliot’s roommate happened to love Unnecessarily Gendered Candle Scents, or that he had added it to Eliot’s shopping list.

I was bored.  Shopping was boring!  How did Eliot do it all the time?  So I stared down at my toy, at the box.  A bed, a nightstand, a little rug, a blanket, pillows... I loved this brand.  They had such good stitching.  I started reading the descriptions, only to be brought back to reality by a familiar name.

"Oh!  Eliot!"

Marnie's voice was high in surprise.  And sure enough, my best friend had just rounded the corner into the candle aisle.  I looked up at him like a deer in headlights, holding the dollhouse furniture in my hands.  What... what was he doing here...?

That box Kylie was holding sixteen shades of pink. The fact that she hid it so quickly made it pretty clear that she didn't want me to know she was holding a toy of some description, so I pretended not to notice.

"Oh, hey there, Your Majesties," Queen and Princess, if anyone wanted clarification. Shut up, I was clever! "I think you two are following me, but alas I'm only here on a scavenger quest at the behest of the Man of the House, Noland." I hoisted up the red basket for them to see; pasta sauce, eggplant, a bunch of carrots, a pack of D sized batteries, a bottle of lube, and soon to be some kind of "Mandle".

I froze.  I opened my mouth to say something, but I didn't have anything to say.  No words.  And luckily for me, Marnie stepped in.

"We're just shopping for my niece," she said with a smile. "Her birthday is tomorrow, and I'm dragging Ky around with me."

Eliot looked at Marnie, then at me, and I felt my head nod.  But my chest hurt.  I didn't want him to be here... why was he here?  Was he following me?  No, he said something about Noland, but my ears were ringing...

"Oh that's cute.” And fake, but okay - I smiled anyway. "I won't keep you held up then, Noland is going to be super late home tonight so I have the place to myself - I think I'll have myself a little fashion show and watch some trash on stream." I picked out "Summer Charcoal" from the selection of candles and held it up. "I think this is the last thing on his list, anyway."

Eliot turned and left, but that wasn't the end of it.  It was one of the worst panic attacks I'd had, and I was having it in the middle of a department store!  This was just... too real for me.  Too close.  And I wasn't going to let it happen again.

*     *     *     *     *

"Wanna see a movie?"

"Hm?"

"A movie," I repeated. "Like, at a theater."

"Oh, sure..." I rubbed my eyes and sipped our shared Mountain Dew.

"Or... we could go panty shopping again?" I tried.  It had been a few weeks since the first time, and neither of us had really brought it up again.  But Kylie shrugged her shoulders.

"You know, one of the two things here is bubbly and one of them is flat."

I picked up the mountain dew and examined it closely.

"This is the bubbly one - so why are you so flat?"

"Huh?" Eliot gave me a hard look and I rolled my eyes.  He was such a drama queen...

"I'm just tired.  I'm not sleeping well." Not a total lie.  Just not the whole truth. "You wanted to do a movie?  That sounds fun."

I didn't push. I never pushed. Things would happen in their own way and their own time, and my experience taught me the unassailable truth that my involvement in something rarely if ever led to a more positive outcome.

“Whatcha wanna see? A murder mystery?”

"Sure, I guess."

I didn't know anything about any of the movies that were playing.  I used to see a lot of them, when I was younger.  High school years.  But these days, it felt like a chore to make it to the theater on time.

"How is your job hunt going?" I asked.  

It had been a few weeks since I didn't get the job at the skate shop.  I hadn't applied anywhere else.

"I think I'll take a break from that," I said. "It's too much stress."

"I'll raise a glass to that." Personally speaking, I actually had a complicated job offer on the table that I didn't care much to consider. I thought of it as a joke more than anything, so I didn't bring it up.

"How's Marnie?"

I shrugged.  Non-committal.  We walked together toward the movie theater.

That was an interesting response if ever I'd seen one, especially with how close the two of them had been when I'd last seen Marnie. Which meant that something had gone wrong, right? Ky was quick to write things out of her life that didn't pan out, or that stressed her out, or that she couldn't feel in control of; that was just her clever way of staying safe.

Against my better judgment, I extended one brief question of involvement.

"So what happened?"

"We broke up."

"I thought you weren't dating?"

"Well, we broke up whatever it was we were doing, I guess?"

"Oh."

"Mmhmm."

"Why?"

"We wanted different things."

This was a rabbit hole I didn't entirely want to be tumbling down right now, but what option did I have now that I'd opened the floodgates? Besides, I adored Ky, and I wanted her to be happy, so it wasn't exactly like I was upset about her opening up to me.

"What differed?"

"Dunno.  Stuff.  It just wasn't working." Since the start, I didn't think it would work.  Since the moment I met her and the moment she helped me, I knew I couldn't keep it up.  Why did it take me three months to finally put an end to things?  I didn't know...

I was better off now.

"You can talk for six hours about the end of a video game you didn't like, but at the end of a relationship with a woman who literally had magic powers to help you in your darkest moments, you give me 'it wasn't working, stuff'?" I crossed my arms and cocked my head, skeptically.

I gave him a sideways look of annoyance, but... well, not enough annoyance to really matter.  I was so fucking tired...

"I dunno.  She's just... not what I'm looking for.  And she didn't have magic words.  She just helped a bit.  But she caused as many problems as she fixed, so..."

My thoughts lingered too long.  The more exhausted I got, the more that happened.  Lingering thoughts.  Too far.  Her.  Me.  Everything.  I shook my head and felt a chill up my spine.

"Can I ask a question without you getting all pouty and boiled over?"

Why was I doing this again? In for a penny, in for a pound? I'd rather have a penny than be pounded, so maybe that adage had its flaws.

"When I saw you at the department store, remember? Did I interrupt something with you two? Did I cause this falling out?"

One word.  No.  Then all this would go away.  But Eliot didn't lie to me, and I really shouldn't lie to him either.  Still, it wasn't the full picture...

"Sort of?  I mean, you didn't cause anything.  But the moment kind of... reminded me how... maybe I don't want this..." Did that make sense?

"You panicked." I nodded, in an odd display of understanding. “Like the whole world could crash down, like 'what am I doing? why am I doing this? so much is at risk, is this even worth it?’, right?"

Literally, yes.

"She just wants more, you know?  She wants more than what I've got to offer.  So... so that's that."

"Maybe she just thinks you want more than what you actually do? Like, you remember Caroline? Girl has been trying to sell me on a cute training bra, or a corset, or stockings, cute nightgowns, since I've known her. She's sure that going further than just undies is what I want, because when people know something about you that helps you, they want to help more. It's unavoidable. But it's also fixable. Cutting Caroline out of my life over her enthusiastic suggestions… that's like when the government used to shill to kids that abstinence was the best form of birth control. Like, okay, it's true; but it doesn't help anyone to be told that. Cutting Marnie out eliminates the issue of her wanting more, but it hurts you way more than just talking to her about it and setting her expectations straight. At the end of the day you're hurting yourself."

Gosh. What a fricking soapbox.

"It's not hurting me," I said flatly.

"Yeah?  How are your panic attacks?"

"They're fine.  I have it under control." My new life philosophy was easy: my spikes of anxiety couldn't be debilitating if I upped my baseline anxiety, now could it?

I sighed and put my hand on her shoulder, which only made her shiver and twitch and pull away. "You're wound up like a spring and it's only going to pull tighter. I can't tell you what to do, because I don't know what I'd even do. But I think she's pretty good for you and that fear of ‘what if’ is controlling you. And so far as I know, nobody and nothing controls my Kylie."

"Your Kylie, hm?" I rolled my eyes and let out a sigh of exhaustion. "Yeah, things were easier with her.  But I don't need her, okay?  I was fine without her before, right?  And I'm fine now.  I don't need cheat codes."

"No, but you do need both hands on the controller."

Man, see, I was proud of that reference! I was proud that I knew enough to say that, and it was wasted on high strung emotional stuff that wouldn't go anywhere anyway.

"I said that right? Controller? I remember when I called it a Handlebar that one time you never let me live it down..."

"I'm fine," I told him with all the certainty I could muster.  Maybe he would believe me if I said enough times.

"Uhhuh, your relationship with your anxiety is about as healthy as mine is with food." Perspective with a mix of self loathing - that was me in a nutshell.

"Ky, you don't have to do anything, not ever. But I think you want Marnie in your life. You just managed to convince yourself that the cons outweigh the pros, and the what-ifs mean more than the thank-goodnesses."

"Listen, you don't know what you're talking about, okay?  So stop acting like you have all the answers.” I didn't mean to snap at him, but I was getting annoyed.  I hadn't slept well, and all this Marnie talking was making my chest hurt.  He didn't get it.  He didn't know anything...

I crossed my arms over my chest and looked away from him.  I didn't need anyone's help.  I didn't need hers, I didn't need his... couldn't everyone just stop trying to help me all the damn time?

"You got it."

I was rarely happy to drop something, but I was exceedingly good at doing so - Ky didn't want to talk about this? Then I was done. Easy.

"I get a little preachy when I get my beak stuck in other peoples business, it's why I don't usually do it." I laughed lightly, trying to break the tension that I'd caused. Great job, kiddo!

We saw a movie.  I wasn't paying attention.  I couldn't even remember the name, to be honest.  This was so... typical.

I'd done this to Marnie a dozen times.  Ran away.  Came back.  I did it with Eliot, too.  I had to break the cycle!  I had to stop running back into her arms and asking her to fix it all the time!  Right?

But I couldn't stop thinking about her.  Not as a tool or a means to an end, but the ways she made me feel.  Eliot said no one can control me.  But she wanted to!  Isn't that bad?  Isn't that abusive or something?  Letting someone else run your life?

But I missed her.  Remnants of some aching desire?  Was it even something I truly wanted or just an echo of something I once had?  I didn't know!

I wasn't lying to Eliot.  I was handling my panic attacks better.  I didn't freak out or start crying.  No, I'd learned to control them.  Now, I sat quietly for two hours in the theater with a swirling storm in my brain.  Internalized.  And when it was over, when I felt like I could talk and walk again, I thought I would faint.

I followed my best friend out of the theater, reminding myself to breathe.  Automatic processes stopped a while ago.  I'm in full manual.  One step.  Inhale.  Blink.  One step.  Exhale.  Smile.  Nod.  Blink.

What did he say?  The movie?

"Yeah, it was fine."

"Did you like the portrayal of The Pope? Toby?"

She looked at me blankly and nodded, and I let out a sigh. She hadn't paid even a second of attention - if she had, she'd have known that there was no fricking Pope Toby in the film. I couldn't believe I was about to suggest this, but...

"Let's go get a bite to eat."

----------------------

Thank you for reading!   Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

[Sofi]

Thank you for posting this story here S&P.

The overall greatness of the story is being overshadowed by my big dislike of people like elliot so far, just butt out dude, jesus christ hes so annoying

[Sophie ♥]

3 hours ago, Sofi said:

Thank you for posting this story here S&P.

The overall greatness of the story is being overshadowed by my big dislike of people like elliot so far, just butt out dude, jesus christ hes so annoying

Eliot can be a bit.... much. XD I know how you feel.  I wonder if your opinions will change as the story goes on!

Thanks for reading. ❤️ 

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Fourteen

We didn't eat lunch.  He had a diet coke and I had a Mountain Dew.  Now that I thought about it, I didn't eat breakfast either.  But all the same, as we sat down in our usual booth, I didn't really have an appetite.  The menu looked... artificial.  Like the salads were made of paper.  Like the cheese was made of plastic.  The french fries were foam, and the soup was paint.

I didn't know how to fix this. Therapists existed for a reason, but people tended to be too proud, too stubborn, too uneducated, or too self-doubting to take advantage of the world’s most important profession. Speaking for Ky and I, we were probably a nice even mix of all of the above. The best I could offer was to be me and try to make her smile, impossible a task as that seemed to be.

"Not hungry?"

"Nah."

He nodded in understanding.  Was this always how he felt when I forced him to eat?  Oof, I was a shitty friend...

"You know, all of these places have the same selection of five desserts, and I'm pretty sure they don't use the same pictures, but it's all the same anyway." I held up the dessert menu while I talked, pointing to illustrate my sentences.

"Like, where are all these cakes coming from? Is there a factory, or is it something more evil? Like a Queen Cake that's laying all these babycakes to control us? Maybe that's why we use pet names like Babycakes; it's like inherent conditioning from our time being indoctrinated into the Cake Queen’s empire of Frosted Fascism."

I couldn't follow what he was saying.  Something about cakes?  I think he was making a joke, so I laughed.  The waitress came back with my Mountain Dew and I spun the straw around inside the cup.

Ky's laugh sounded hollow and fake, like in that one video game she forced me to watch, and I decided that maybe I should focus more on companionship and less on humor. It felt hypocritical of me to ask her to eat something, but I was worried about her all the same. Do as I say, and not as I do, right? Sighing, I puffed out my cheeks and looked around. This wasn't easy.

A chime went off in Eliot's pocket.  I showed only a cursory amount of interest.  I took a sip of my soda pop and looked at the summer sky through the windows.  It was getting dark...

There was a message on one of Eliot's social media apps from Marnie:

> Sorry to bother you - Kylie doesn't have Facebook.  I just wanted to check up on her.  She usually texts me by now.

> I apologize if this is invasive or out of line.  I don't want to violate her trust.  I'm just worried.

Kylie didn't notice; with how disengaged she was, I wondered if she'd slept at all recently. With reluctance and guilt, I typed back a very simple message:

> we need 2 talk

> @myplace

> 2nite

Well. Three messages.

> I don't know where you live.

"Hey, uh... I'm gonna take off." I forced a smile at Eliot and shuffled out of the booth. "I'm so exhausted, you know?  Do you want a ride home, or?"

"Sure thing.” If only because I didn't exactly want her driving on her own with how out of it she was, and that would mean I could see Marnie sooner.

> User has Shared a Location: home i guess

> 7 o clock

*     *     *     *     *

There was a knock at Eliot's door at seven on the dot.  Marnie stood nervously on his stoop, wearing a set of work clothes Eliot had seen before.  She stepped into his living room with trepidation, looking around for signs of others.  Kylie in particular.  But nowhere to be found.

"I don't want to stay long," she said with a half-smile. "I feel like I shouldn't be here at all..."

"Kylie's sick." I began, only after closing the door behind her. I didn't like talking about her behind her back, but if I framed it like I was handing off the case to a specialist, it felt a little less deceitful.  

"Not like sick sick, like blergh, but like... she's not taking care of herself, she's ragged and worn down, she's having silent panic attacks constantly and thinks that nobody notices. She's not eating, although I realize the irony there. But it's just so you have the facts."

Deep breath, El.

Marnie's brow furrowed in worry.  She looked down at her nice shoes and crossed her arms over her chest.

"She usually texts me by now," Marnie muttered, more to herself than to Eliot. "She always runs and hides and does this, and it's so irritating, but... I dunno.  She always..." Her voice trailed off.

"I don't know about your history, or patterns, or whatever. But whatever you think this is, I'm pretty sure it's different." I flopped down on the sofa and took a breath, because I was letting myself get worked up and that wasn't like me.

Marnie nodded her head and forced a smile. "Well... maybe she'll come out the other side stronger?  And maybe she won't need me..." But Marnie didn't like that thought one bit.  The whole reason she wanted to take care of Kylie in the first place was because she wanted to be needed.  She wanted to matter.  And now?

"Maybe don't think about you for a second. Think about what it is that she's afraid of - she saw me in the store, remember? And she's got like all this crap in her head about 'what will this mean, what if this person sees me, what if, what then, what now, how about, if if if if, it's all a downward spiral," I made a spiral motion with my hands, around and around.

Marnie blinked in surprise at the boy's passion.  She didn't really expect Eliot to take anything so... seriously.  But she had only a handful of encounters with him, and she knew Eliot was a smart boy.  Unfortunately...

"If she doesn't want me around, I can't do anything about that.  I wish I could.  But... I can't tell her what to do."

"That's so much bullshit," I didn't resort to swearing very often, and the word actually sounded foreign in my mouth, dirty like ash.

"Telling someone what to do is an expression of love, because..." Wow, this felt uncomfortable. Why did this feel uncomfortable? This wasn't even anything to do with me - focus!

"Because telling someone what to do is giving them permission to do it when they might never have gotten the courage to in the first place. You should tell someone what to do, because people need that sometimes. A sister needs to be told she's pretty enough and she should ask that guy out. A friend needs to be told to chase his dream that he's sure he'll never reach.  We don't show love through apathy, we don't play wait and see when someone means the whole darn world. We say do it. We say take it. We say wear it. We say I'm not taking no for an answer, even if maybe you gotta."

I looked down at my hands, which were wet with drops of water from my eyes. Weirdly, I didn't feel sad. I was just. Crying. I guess.

"You think that telling Kylie 'I'll let you decide' is giving her anything other than uncertainty? You're wrong. We're hard-wired to play wait and see on our lives; and it's those pushes from people closest to us that actually get us to do anything, to go anywhere. You can't tell her what to do? Did you ever for a second think that might be what she needs right now? Direction? Permission? Guidance… whatever you want to call it, Marnie. What do I know."

Stupid tears...

"I know she's hurt and upset, and we're bystanders.  But we’re not innocent; we’re complicit."

Marnie stared at the boy with a paradoxical combination of confusion and understanding.  She stared at him for a long minute, maybe trying to really figure out what he was saying, and then nodded her head.

"...you're right."

With another long pause, she turned and went back to the door. "I'm going to fix it," she told Eliot. "Thank you."

She left the crying boy alone in his apartment.  Noland would be back in an hour or two, but by then all the proof of Eliot's meltdown would have disappeared.  A secret shared with Marnie.

----------------------

Thank you for reading!   Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

[mahleedl]

9 hours ago, Sofi said:

Thank you for posting this story here S&P.

The overall greatness of the story is being overshadowed by my big dislike of people like elliot so far, just butt out dude, jesus christ hes so annoying

Really?  I love Eliot!

[YourFNF]

On 11/22/2020 at 5:06 PM, Sophie ♥ said:

"I'm fine," I told him with all the certainty I could muster.  Maybe he would believe me if I said enough times.

"Uhhuh, your relationship with your anxiety is about as healthy as mine is with food." Perspective with a mix of self loathing - that was me in a nutshell.

"Ky, you don't have to do anything, not ever. But I think you want Marnie in your life. You just managed to convince yourself that the cons outweigh the pros, and the what-ifs mean more than the thank-goodnesses."

It's going to be a gut punch isn't it  once we find out what happened to these kids?

20 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

didn't know how to fix this. Therapists existed for a reason, but people tended to be too proud, too stubborn, too uneducated, or too self-doubting to take advantage of the world’s most important profession. Speaking for Ky and I, we were probably a nice even mix of all of the above. The best I could offer was to be me and try to make her smile, impossible a task as that seemed to be.

Or they don't think that what they have is bad enough... Or that they aren't worthy of help.... not that I would know anything about that....

[Sophie ♥]

16 minutes ago, YourFNF said:

It's going to be a gut punches isn't once we find out what happened to these kids?

I haven't the slightest idea what you mean.  

[YourFNF]

16 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

I haven't the slightest idea what you mean.  

lol XD

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Fifteen

It felt like a lifetime go since we were sitting right here, but it hadn't even been two weeks.  A nice restaurant with good burgers and two glasses of red wine.  I needed the alcohol this time.

Eliot and I had hung out the past few days, but only for a couple hours at a time.  I was still at war with Marnie, and I spent every night and every morning at her place.  Arguing, mostly.  Fighting her.  But... well, she fought back.  She fought for me.

I didn't like this part of the plan!  I didn't want Eliot involved!  But it was a non-negotiable.  As long as he was in the dark, I'd always be scared.  I'd always try to run.  I sunk lower in my seat and took a long sip of wine.

I had my nails painted, a glossy mint green, although I kept them mostly in my lap. I wasn't shy - nails were nails - but I didn't know what this was about. Broadly, I did: this was about Kylie, and Marnie was here and had presumably summoned us both. But the details? I didn't know any of that. Though as far as huge interventions and rambling soapbox speeches went, I was pretty tapped out.  Maybe it was for the best.

"...do you want to start?" Marnie asked Kylie.

"No," I said flatly. "And I really don't want to do this in public.  Or at all."

"No one is paying any attention to us," Marnie said kindly.  The dinner rush was just starting and their booth had high backs.  Unless they started shouting, no one would hear anything they said.

"Well," Marnie led, "Kylie wants to tell you a bit more about our relationship.  So she isn't spooked if she bumps into you at the toy store."

"I don't want to," I corrected her. "I'm forced to."

That actually made me smile a little bit. I shouldn't have been too happy, because Ky was clearly uncomfortable here, but it at least meant that Marnie had taken my words to heart.

"Well, I have little ears, but they're wide open for you, Ky."

Marnie waited for me to say something, and I waited for her to say something, because this was awful and I didn't want to be here!  But our fights over the past few days about this exact topic all ended the same way: if Eliot didn't know, then I'd be scared of him finding out.  This was like... the Hamilton approach.  And that worked out so well for him, right?  Ugh.

"Well," Marnie started again, "I'm sort of like Kylie’s—”

"Caregiver," I interrupted.

"Parent," Marnie corrected.

"Hardly..."

"Okay." I nodded. I had questions, but it seemed like this was more of a presentation than a question and answer session, so I held my tongue and offered what was hopefully a graceful smile and not a smug or mocking grin.

I took another very long sip of my wine, until the glass was half gone.  Then I sunk down into the booth.

"Long story short," Marnie went on, "I alleviate some of her responsibilities, so she can relax.  We find that it helps her with stress and anxiety.  So when these panic attacks come up, they aren't so... debilitating."

"It was her idea," I told Eliot. "She wanted to."

"Yes," Marnie agreed, "and I was right.  It worked."

"I don't like it."

"That sounds pretty fun, right? Like in those old movies where the person is laying on the beach and like people are fanning them with palm leaves and bringing them coconuts full of whatever, taking care of their needs and responsibilities. Sounds pretty cool if you want my opinion. Where do I sign up?" Was now the time to bring levity? To chuckle awkwardly? Sure, why not.

I shot Eliot a sharp glare and Marnie patted me on the top of the head.

"Not quite so... luxurious," Marnie said. "Rather than her servant, I'm a parent.  Though that might equate to the same thing."

Marnie laughed, but I didn't.  I sunk further into my seat.

"So," and I said this part to Kylie, "Marnie is like your Mom, right? That's cool. What's some of your favorite things about that?" Maybe I was pushing things too far, but I thought the least I could do would be to engage her.

"Nothing," I said harshly.

"Hmm?  There's nothing you like about our dynamic?" Marnie asked. "You seem to enjoy yourself quite a bit."

"I don't."

"Well, if you want to be fussy, I can tell him everything myself.  Like our bedtime routine?"

I looked up at Marnie in annoyance and sat upright in my chair.  She won this round...

"She's..." I paused to sigh. "I don't know.  Just.  Nice.  And... helpful.  And... I dunno.  It's fine."

"You know, the more you tell me, the less you have to be worried about me finding out, Kylie. And you know one of my big secrets, so this ought to be a snap, right? I believe in you." I reached across the table and took her hand with my painted nails, grinning in that charming way I knew she liked. "Tell me everything."

I looked away nervously and took my hand back.  Jeeze, this sucked...

"She... I dunno.  Like.  It's nice.  Not worrying about a million things, and failing all the time, and... I mean, it was Marnie's idea.  She wanted to try it, and I guess I sort of agreed because I was desperate?  And... I dunno.  It wasn't as bad as I thought, I guess..." By the end of my speech, I was blushing.  I hated this stupid feelings talk...

While she talked, I nodded, I listened, I kept eye contact. And I gave her something to work with when she was done.

"So what kind of things does your Mom-Marnie do for you? Does she pick out your clothes? Read you stories? Help me fill in the blanks here."

"...yes?" I looked way and rested my cheek on my hand.  Eliot had probably never seen this kind of thing.  When I had a panic attack in my apartment and he was there, he basically froze up.  Now, he was... calm.  It was weird.  Maybe because he'd expected this for a while?  Maybe he'd figured out the whole toy-at-the-store thing?

"Dress her.  Read to her.  Watch TV with her." Marnie started listing things off on her fingers. "Make her dinner.  Drive her around.  Play with her hair.  Tuck her in.  Feed her—”

"He gets it," I cut her off.  I was blushing deeply enough!

"Feed her? Like.... you make her food? No you already said that. Like you actively feed her? Like "nyyyoooooawwwm, here comes the airplane" kind thing?" I did the motions with a spoon on the table, and finished up by popping it in my mouth.

The weirdest thing about all of this was that Kylie was... well, she was being pouty and bashful, but she actually seemed like she wasn't spiraling. Like she was stressed, but she wasn't Stress In Motion. Marnie had some remarkable powers.

"Uhh, sort of," Marnie said with a smile.

"Can this conversation be over now?!" I puffed out my cheeks in annoyance.  It was something I did mostly around Marnie.  The kind of overly-emotional expression that went along with my new little-kid life.  But with Marnie here, some of those expressions would permeate.

I put the spoon down on the table and nodded my head, then had to wonder out loud.

"Sort of? What do you mean?"

"She doesn't like when I feed her," Marnie said with a small pout on her own lips. "I tell her it's what Mommies do, but..."

"Oh, please kill me," I buried my head in my arms and tried to hide away from the world.

"Mommy is what she calls you?" I clarified. Marnie nodded. And I nodded along in understanding. "Yeah, I don't really like eating food either, so I can understand that."

Marnie, though, she had a kind of Cat-ate-the-Canary look on her face. Like I was missing something.

"Well, we compromised.  She can eat her own food, and—”

"No!" I said it loud enough that a few people nearby actually turned their heads.  I blushed and sunk back into the booth. "Big No!"

Marnie nodded her head, then explained to Eliot.

"Anything 'big' is serious.  So Big No means I can't talk about it anymore."

"Like a safe word?"

"Yep, but with more flexibility.  Like, Big Yes means she really wants something.  Big Feels is heavy emotions.  Big Drive means to focus on driving; I look away from the road a lot.  Big things shouldn't be teased about."

"Oh, I see. That's really clever - it means you can be stern with her, but she can also pull the brakes if she is too overwhelmed. Smart!" So no teasing on Big modifiers, that made sense.

"I hate this," I muttered. "Can we be done now...?"

"Hmm... well, there's more, but that's probably all we need to discuss." Marnie nodded her head. "Do you have any further questions, Eliot?  I think Kylie will be more open to discussing thing while I'm here."

I thought for a few moments, playing with a straw in my hand - notably, I didn't order food or drink, which I guess wasn't notable at all. I did have a question though, one for clarity.

"How old are you, Kylie? Marnie is your Mommy, and the stuff she does sounds like she's looking after a four year old. Do you have like an age you model yourself after in deciding what you let Marnie do for you? Is that a weird question? I feel like that's a weird question, huh..."

"No, that's a super good question!"

Marnie lit up with excitement.  It was always interesting to see her composure break.  I leaned on my arm with a pout.

"Marnie says I'm four," I told Eliot. "So you hit the nail on the head."

"But it isn't a hard and fast rule," Marnie explained. "There's lots of stuff I do for her that's younger than that, and she does lots of stuff herself that a four year old wouldn't do."

"So, it's basically meaningless," I said.

"No, it's very meaningful!  Just in a different way."

"This is kind of Marnie's... thing," I explained. "The 'caregiver' thing.  I'm just along for the ride."

"Marnie's thing that you get to benefit from, right? Like... if we got married and you had a million dollar job.  It’s not my job, but I’d still get the benefits.  I get it." So all of this, all this anguish, all this grief, all this fighting... it was all over this?  This thing that, to be honest, was so frickin’ cute!

"I think Kylie likes it more than she says," Marnie said with a smile.

"I don't," I told her flatly, then stuck my tongue out at her.  She patted me on the top of her the head in response and ruffled my hair. I rolled my eyes.

"I have one more question," I raised my hand this time. Marnie lit up. "Can I buy you toys?" I mean I was always broke, so that was unlikely, but it didn’t hurt to get permission. "Or little girl sundresses?"

We answered at the same time.

"No." "Yes."

I looked at Marnie with frustration and shook my head. "No!  You said only your money."

"No," Marnie corrected, "I said you can't use your money."

I puffed out my cheeks. "I don't want Eliot buying me things!"

"That's really not your decision though, is it?"

I glared at her, then at my best friend. "Don't you dare buy me anything."

"But you certainly can if you want to," Marnie tacked on with a smile.

"I'm getting some mixed messages here, so I'm going to have to defer to your caregiver," I used the word charitably for Kylie's sake. But it also meant I would listen to Marnie over Kylie. That was part of the game as it were, right? Anyway, I had a more important query.

"Do you feel better, now that I know?"

"No," I muttered.

"You're quite stubborn today, hm?" Marnie said curiously. "Maybe we'll have to take care of that when we get home..."

I looked at her with wide eyes, then at Eliot, and then looked away with a blush.  I hated this so much!

This was so interesting, it was like tumbling into another world - I'd never considered this kind of dynamic in the first place, but here was Willful, Independent, Haughty, Proud Kylie, being talked to like a child and relishing in the experience. What a wild ride.

"Thank you for sharing."

"Yeah, yeah..."

"Thank you for keeping an open mind," Marnie said with a smile.

Our food came a few minutes later - timed almost perfectly! - and I ate my dinner with more relief than I had all week.  At least it was over.

----------------------

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[Sophie ♥]

10 hours ago, Hopsalot said:

I also didn’t realize how deep that part of their relationship was until now about. ??

I'm sure it certainly won't come up again in the future!

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Sixteen

"Soooooooooo..."

Eliot's and I were sitting comfortably in the mall's food court, and the smile on his face said all there was to say.  It had only been a day, but he must have been dying to talk about it.

"...alright, go ahead." I leaned back in my chair and took a bite of my french fry.  I had poked fun at him for his panty-wearing thing, and it would be shitty if I couldn't take what I dished out.  At least this time - without Marnie around - I wasn't compromised.  I was as Kylie as ever.

"I think it's only fair - because I took you panty shopping - that you should show me where you go shopping for things for Grown Ladies Who Are Part Time Four Year Olds, right?" It was a rare occasion to see me eating something - a pretzel dog, which were my renowned weakness. I'd always eat it the same way, too; I'd pick off every bit of pretzel, eat the dog, then eat the pretzel that I plucked off. It would take me like half an hour.

"There aren't exactly stores for that," I shrugged. "Sometimes Marnie takes me to like, a toy store?  But being a four year old is surprisingly inexpensive.  Your thing costs more than my thing."

I had gone back to the store that week and checked out some prices on those panties - seriously, they were so expensive!  But I had been wearing that bra and only that bra for weeks now.  It was game-changing.

"That figures. I really only have the one thing. You have the Four Year Old thing, and the Sega thing, and buying food is so expensive too. So I guess your things have gotta cost less by design, to fit them all in." I was practically an economist now. And this was all... I mean, normal as normal gets, you know?

"Yeah, sorry.  No speciality Adult Four Year Old stores." At least, not in this mall.  I hadn't looked into it a lot.  But judging by some of the things Marnie had on hand, there had to be Adult Four Year Old stores somewhere in the world.

"Wanna go get our nails done then?  Since you're wearing nail polish now?"

When he told me about wearing panties, he also told me he painted his nails.  But he always took it off before leaving the house.  Now, his fingers were painted mint-green — I noticed yesterday at dinner.  Maybe it was a solidarity thing?  My thing for his thing.  After all, that's how this whole thing started.

"I absolutely cannot afford it until my card refills, so I'll just have to deal with being the kind of starving nail artist painting their own for a bit longer."

I elected not to address the fact that I'd taken that step so directly. But that was how I dealt with things.

"It's pretty cool that you're wearing nail polish, though.  I know it's like... this stupid gender-coded thing.  Like girls wear nail polish.  But fuck that, right?  Boys can wear whatever they want."

Eliot nodded, but he didn't seem too impressed by my righteous indignation.  Actually, he seemed almost bothered by it.

"What?  I said something wrong?"

We'd had a lot of big emotional moments recently, and the undercurrent of mine wasn't ready to come to the surface just yet, so I did what I always did: I flashed a smile and played it off.

"Nothing like that - I actually kinda like the gender coding of it. Makes me feel special, like a rebel. If it was normal for boys to wear it, it wouldn't be fun anymore."

"I guess that makes sense…” Though I didn't really get why he wanted to be a rebel.  Wouldn't it be better if there was no stereotypes that needed to rebel against?  But whatever...

My phone buzzed and I opened it.  Texting wasn't really my thing, but I'd been doing it a lot more this week.

"Is that Marnie? I can totally see the smile on your face when you look at your screen, so I presume it's her."

Presume? Assume? Hmm. One or the other.

"What'd she say?"

"Just asking if I want to come over tonight.  Which... I may just do.  It's been a rough week, and I'd like to have a night together where I'm not fighting with her."

The whole Eliot situation was a problem.  I didn't want to tell him.  But now that it was over, I saw that she was right all along.  I'd been open and vulnerable, and nothing changed.  Not really, anyway.  Maybe I worried too much.  That was probably a side-effect of my anxiety problems.  Or a direct cause.

"Oh, date night? That sounds fun! You should do like... cook her something, a romantic dinner, you know? Something like that. That's what people do, right? I'm going to spend the night listening to music on my noise canceling headphones while Noland has very noisy coitus because tonight is his date night too, I guess."

More like "take it up the date night" am I right? Yeah, I'm so clever. Not that I'd ever say it out loud.

I looked at Eliot like he had said something stupid, which of course, he had.

"A date night with Marnie is more like watching a Disney princess movie in a nightgown.  It's not really... romantic." He didn't still think we were dating, right?  After learning that I call her Mommy?  Then again, some girls might be into that...

"I wish I was watching a Disney princess movie in a nightgown; that sounds awesome. You lucked out, huh?"

Following that, I stood up and went to take the trash to the can.

...hm.  I sent Marnie a text and waited until I got a reply.  Yeah, I wasn't too thrilled about it either.  Basically everything we had talked about the past week was Eliot-related.  I wanted to have an Eliot-free night, to be honest.  But... well, it's just a movie.  And it meant I wouldn't have to do the other thing Marnie wanted tonight.  So when Eliot came back to the table, I smiled up at him.

"If you were serious about watching a Disney princess movie, you can come hang out with us tonight.  But that nightgown is non-negotiable." Like hell I'd let him see me dressed like a damn toddler if he wasn't too!

Hmm. Listen to Noland get fucked in the candy aisle all night, or sing some Disney Princess Songs with the girl I had a crush on and her totally not girlfriend? Tough decision.

"Deal."

*     *     *     *     *

"Eliot, nice of you to come," Marnie smiled at the both of us as we walked into her house. She lived uptown, in a very nice one-story place. The living room greeted us with a large sofa and a comfortable rug I had spent all too many hours laying on. The TV was wall-mounted, and an entertainment cabinet sat beneath it.

"Kylie, can I speak with you?" she said softly, but Kylie knew better.

"Make yourself at home," I told Eliot, and followed Marnie into the kitchen, which was open-layout and didn't afford us a lot of privacy.

"You did this on purpose," Marnie whispered. "We had plans tonight."

"And we can do them some other night," I told her sternly. It wasn't uncommon for Marnie and I to butt heads. Two strong personalities, after all.

"Oh no no," Marnie shook her head with a little smile, a smug little motherly grin of brilliance. “You brought company, but that doesn't have to change anything at all. We'll carry out our plans just as I planned them." She crossed her arms and cocked her head to the side.

"Big No," I said flatly, looking at Marnie with more than indignation. More than annoyance. Something like... anxiety. Marnie sighed. She knew better than to push.

"Fine. Next time. But I'm not going easy on you just because a friend is here. You need these little days, and..." Marnie crossed her arms. "And I miss you."

"Fine... daytime rules..."

It was worth the shot - but the point in all of this was to reduce her anxiety, and not to spike it. Marnie was happy enough with daytime rules, though; more of a casual littling experience and less of an overarching motherliness.

"I'm proud of you for being comfortable enough to invite Eliot with you."

"Comfort isn't the word," I muttered. I just didn't want to delve any deeper into this stuff than I needed to, and he was a convenient excuse. "Anyway, he gets the same treatment as me. He agreed. So, it's not that embarrassing." Though I never took the time to ask Marnie how she felt about that. Typical Kylie.

So there were pros and cons here. Pro: two people to take care of meant two people to need her. Con: she had no idea how Eliot would respond to this kind of thing. Pro: there were some cute playdate ideas she could only do with two. Con: she didn't have anything for him to wear. Pro: this could normalize a lot of this for Kylie Con: Marnie was well and truly a lesbian. Mm. Marnie crossed her arms and thought about it, finally nodding her head.

"I don't have anything for him to wear."

"Just put him in my stuff," I shrugged. "I already told him he had to wear a nightgown and he didn't seem to mind." Marnie looked curiously at me and tilted her head to the side.
"What?"

"Nothing," she said simply. "He is okay with playing along tonight? You are sure?"

"Pretty sure. Talk to him if you want."

"Likely a good idea," Marnie sighed. "He should have safe words..."

"We could just call the whole night off," I tried. "Order some pizza, get out a bottle of wine?" I wondered if Marnie had figured out I was hoping for that outcome this whole time.

"Maybe in seventeen years when you're old enough to drink, my little four year old.” Marnie ruffled her little girl’s hair playfully and nodded to the door. “Go and wait in the living room, and send Eliot in. If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right; not like it’s a one-off.”

I blinked. "...a one off? What are you talking about?" She didn't think this would happen again, did she? Using Eliot to get out of a situation didn't seem like it would work a second time.

"I mean that if I'm going to invest in making this happen tonight - for your sake - then I want the door able to be left open in the future incase I want to host playdates for you with Eliot - for my sake." Which was only fair.

"Um. No?" Marnie crossed her arms and I crossed mine right back. "We aren't having playdates with my best friend! I don't even want to have playdates at all!"

"Is that a no, or a big no?" Here was how things played out: Kylie had invited someone else into the dynamic, for whatever reason, whatever excuse, she still had. And Marnie was willing to make that work, but it all came down to a very simple question: "If I treat him like I treat you, if I dress him like I dress you, it's going to remove all the embarrassment from this, and you might actually like having someone over to play with on occasion. Is that something you want?"

"No," I said firmly. But notably… it wasn’t a Big No. Unfortunately, some of what Marnie was saying made perfect sense. If I removed all the embarrassment, would it be so bad? If he suffered the same fate as me? In a way, it was still bad. I did this voluntarily. He did this because he was mimicking me. Like if kids are playing that "stop copying me" game, and one swears. Then does the other one really swear, or is it just a copy? I looked away in annoyance.

"I reserve the right to say no later," I conceded. Maybe bringing him was a bad idea...

"As you always do, Princess. Now would you be a good girl and send your..." Kylie's stuff, right? "sister into my room, so we can have a little talk."

Sister. I chuckled. Okay, maybe this wouldn't be as bad as I thought! I went out to the living room, where Eliot was sitting awkwardly on the sofa. I could read the expression on his face: complete discomfort. He had never been to Marnie's place before, and maybe he was intimidated by how nice it was. Or maybe he was nervous about wearing a nightgown.

"Hey. Marnie wants to like... have a talk with you. You know, make sure you know what you're getting yourself into." Despite my assurances, it was still hard to talk about. This whole thing had me on edge. I wondered idly if I would have a panic attack. Probably not once we started...

It wasn't unlike going in for a job interview. Dread. I forced a charming little hint of a smile and stood up, pushing off my knees and trying to exude more confidence than I actually had.

"I'm pretty sure I'm getting myself into hanging out with a bona fide cutiepie, right? What can go wrong?" I did certainly not give her a chance to answer that. Chest puffed out, I made my way into Marnie's room and clicked the door shut behind me.

Marnie's bedroom was very simple and very well-appointed. Everything had a function. Bed. Dresser. Curtains. No picture frames or paintings. Not clinical, but... functional. Marnie sat on the edge of her bed and let out a sigh.

"How are you feeling, Eliot?" she finally asked, after the boy closed the door.

"Well, it's a mixture of uneasiness and excitement, like... okay, so it's like when you're competing with someone you love, for the same thing? Like you want it, but you also want them to have it," I had very vivid hand motions to go with this explanation, "so in this case it's like I want Kylie to be happy and comfortable with herself, but of course I'm worried about stepping on her toes, or yours, or what not." Wordy answer.

Marnie let out a small laugh and smiled at Eliot. "Well, that's a way better answer than I expected. Come over here and have a seat. I want to talk to you about some things." Eliot sat and Marnie wondered where to start.  Things with Ky were very different to this...

"We are playing by daytime rules," Marnie explained. "So... you're going to play by the same rules as her. Are you okay with that?"

"I mean, I kind of signed that contract when I agreed to come - sight unseen, mind you, which was probably foolish. But it's like my Mom used to say - 'you're lucky you're pretty, Eliot' which back then I was sure was a compliment, but now I'm beginning to doubt that." Oh, yes, the point. "What should I know? What are daytime rules?"

He was nervous, Marnie could tell that much. But not for the reasons she thought initially. Now, Marnie was beginning to see things from Eliot's perspective.

"Well, she's four years old. You'll be four years old. All you have to do is be kind and do what I say. If you ever need to stop, say Butterscotch. Okay? There are no repercussions for using a safe word."

"You might also find," Marnie went on, "that Kylie acts... a bit differently. I ask as a personal favor that you don't draw attention to that. Don't tease, like the two of you often do. Do you think that's do-able?"

"I think that's doable," I nodded in agreement, although now that she'd made the point of warning me about it, I couldn't help but wonder what could be so challenging that she'd give me a heads-up in advance. Hmm. "I want her to feel like any peculiarities she has aren't ever anything to be ashamed of. Like, we all have our quirks you know?"

"Yes," Marnie agreed, "that's true. Which brings me to a final point. I don't have a lot of... well, I don't have any clothes for a young boy. Would you be comfortable wearing Kylie's clothes?"

Comfortable was a strange word that didn't really account for context. Yes, I'd come here based on the deal that I'd made with Kylie - what she wore, I wore; what she did, I did. And it wasn't as though I had any great discomfort about wearing girls’ clothes; I wore panties most of the time! But this was... this had some other baggage along with it that made it both more and less comfortable. In the end, I nodded and shrugged my shoulders.

"I told her I would."

"That's not a good enough answer," Marnie said, almost sternly. "If you aren't comfortable wearing her clothes, that's okay. But just as Kylie's comfort here is important, so is yours. I know clothes mean a lot to you" - Marnie was a very observant person - "and I don't want to... interfere with your identity."

"Well, that's very respectful of you, Marnie, and I appreciate it. You know that I don't like wearing lower quality fabrics, and it's really sweet that you're looking out for me." See what I did there? I made it not about gender. I'm such a badass. "No no, it's fine, really - clothes are..." Just clothes? Nope, not true. But close. "It'll be fun to experiment, right?"

"Remember," she said, waving her finger at Eliot, "butterscotch." He nodded in understanding and Marnie got up from the bed. "Well then, let's get you and your sister dressed for the night."

Sister. That was a cute idea! But I mean, I wouldn't want to make out with my sister and that was a pretty big difference. I contained a deep sigh and forced a smile instead, holding a thumbs up.

----------------------

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[YourFNF]

On 11/24/2020 at 2:15 PM, Sophie ♥ said:

Anything 'big' is serious.  So Big No means I can't talk about it anymore."

"Like a safe word?"

"Yep, but with more flexibility.  Like, Big Yes means she really wants something.  Big Feels is heavy emotions.  Big Drive means to focus on driving; I look away from the road a lot.  Big things shouldn't be teased about."

I like this setup

On 11/24/2020 at 2:15 PM, Sophie ♥ said:

"Thank you for sharing."

"Yeah, yeah..."

"Thank you for keeping an open mind," Marnie said with a smile.

Our food came a few minutes later - timed almost perfectly! - and I ate my dinner with more relief than I had all week.  At least it was over.

And really am so glad to see everyone finally having an honest conversation. And Kylie while seriously reluctant is at least clearly consenting.

2 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

"Remember," she said, waving her finger at Eliot, "butterscotch." He nodded in understanding and Marnie got up from the bed. "Well then, let's get you and your sister dressed for the night."

Sister. That was a cute idea! But I mean, I wouldn't want to make out with my sister and that was a pretty big difference. I contained a deep sigh and forced a smile instead, holding a thumbs up.

 

XD *giggles*

[Guilend]

I'm on the patreon and I'm definitely enjoying this story. Like a lot more then I had first thought I would. 

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Seventeen

Eliot and Marnie came out of her room and Marnie nodded at me. All clear, I guess.

"Come along, Kylie. Time to get dressed."

I slid off the sofa and got to my feet, following behind her as she led the way to her guest room. Over the past few months, Marnie had been decorating the guest room as more and more a "Little Kylie" room. The door had flower stencils on it and a little nail where a name plate might go if we ever bothered to order one.

Inside was more adventurous: a once-ordinary room decorated with shelves of toys, stuffed animals, and children's books. The queen-sized bed had a Hello Kitty comforter, and the ceiling was speckled with glow-in-the-dark stars. The dresser on the far wall was painted with a white glossy finish, and a toy-chest sat in the far corner by the sliding closet doors. Thankfully, Marnie had cleaned up since I was over last.

"Well would you look at that," I stopped myself and reflected. I was going to tease her — I was going to say how she was so utilitarian about everything but how extra this all was — but I thought about what Marnie had said. Hmm. Okay, just to be safe. The two were looking at me and I grinned. "Your room is so pretty, Kylie, I love it."

I crossed my arms and looked away from Eliot. Pretty wasn't something I would use to describe myself. I didn't wear dresses or girly colors. I didn't do my hair or wear makeup most of the time. I didn't try to be pretty. And this room... well, it was definitely pretty. Cute, might be a better term. Either way, neither were very me. Marnie went to the closet first and I sat down on my bed. Eliot - maybe not knowing what to do - followed suit.

It took Marnie a minute to find what she was looking for, but I had a good idea what she would pick out. Two nightgowns, with frilly lace along the bottom and puffy princess sleeves. One in pink, one in lavender. She had ordered them from the same place, and it was the only matching set I had. Of course she would pick those ones...

"Dibs on purple," I said, which left Eliot with the pink one.

I actually had no preference, but it was curious to me that Kylie did. Was it an attempt to give me the more feminine of the two, or was she just trying to save face at any opportunity possible? I nodded and took a deep breath. Pink it was.

"Pink matches my eyes better anyway, so that's what I would've picked." And while I didn't know which I would have picked, I did know enough about fashion to know that at least the first part was true. "Do we get cute accessories, too?" I asked the question because I wanted to see how far this all went for Kylie and if I could pester her to accessorize better in her regular life.

"Patience, little ones," Marnie said with a smile, handing each of them their respective nightgowns.

Little ones. I felt a tinge of pink come to my cheeks and I looked away from her. This was going to be such a weird night...

Marnie went to the dresser and into the first drawer on the left. Left was daytime clothes, right was nighttime clothes. A part of me was nervous that she wouldn't follow the rules, but Marnie had always been a great rule-follower. She picked out two pairs of panties - full cut, not sexy, and much stiffer than you'd expect underwear to be. She was also holding matching bloomers, the ones that came with the nightgowns. A bit of reprieve at least.

Ah, panties, a language I could speak. There was just a single problem here that I really ought to have thought of before all of this, especially given I knew that I would be coming here and knew that I would be wearing a nightgown; the elephant in the room, which was to say, the panties on my ass. Hmm. Well, was it really a problem? She was giving me panties to wear, so as long as I changed discretely, the problem solved itself, right? Four year old kids could dress themselves, I figured.

"You own so much cute stuff, Ky."

"Whatever," I muttered. Clearly the discomfort was getting to me. I was acting much the same as I did at the restaurant, when we had to tell Eliot. Ugh, this part couldn't get over with soon enough.

"El, I hope you don't mind," Marnie told him, "but I'm going to get Kylie dressed. Do you think you could dress yourself, or would you like help?" The worst part was? She was dead serious!

Perfect, perfect, perfect! I nodded my head quickly and almost stammered. "No that's okay, I'll get myself dressed, I'll use the bathroom for it, okay? You take your time, give Kylie lots of attention, because she deserves it for being such a cutie pie." Okay, so I could treat her like an adult would treat a four year old, but putting myself in those shoes? Harder. Much, much harder.

Eliot left the room with the clothes he was given and I looked up at Marnie with an ounce of irritation. "You couldn't have skipped the training pants?" I asked quietly. It was something we hadn't discussed with Eliot yet... or, if I had my way, ever.

"You wouldn't be able to stay in Littlespace without them, and you know it," Marnie countered. "Now arms up. Let's get this done so I can start on dinner."

I actually felt like I was committing a crime, like the earliest days of my buying panties, when I felt like what I was doing was wrong. Why were those feelings coming back now, of all times? I locked the bathroom door and looked at the neat pile of clothes that I’d just set down on the counter, exhaling deeply.

Alright Eliot, you can do this. You're doing it for Kylie, and you're doing it to become closer to her. Less superficial, remember?

I began to unbutton my silk shirt, searching for a hanger in the bathroom as I held it in my hand. No hangers though, that was frustrating. I set my shirt gently down on the counter and unbuttoned my pants, sliding them down to reveal the lacy lemon-yellow panties I'd worn today. They were delicate and lovely, and oh so comfortable. And regrettably, they were going to be subjected to being balled up and stuffed into the pocket of my pants before I folded them. Oh poor yellow panties, I'll make it up to you, I promise! I slid them down, I tucked them into the pocket, and I stood naked in front of the mirror. Here we go, it's time to be the little girl.

I was familiar with panties.  These ones, though, the ones she'd handed me? I'd never seen anything like them in my life. They were... thick. Padded in areas. I'd been shopping for panties for years and never come across a pair like these. Fascinating! I leaned down and step into the underwear, tugging them up legs that I compulsively kept smooth - body hair was a sin - and wriggled them into place. Thick. Like, enough that if I squeezed my thighs together, I could feel the obstruction. How peculiar! And comfortable!

Okay, so the hardest part as probably over, right? I pulled the bloomers up over the panties, frilly little lacy numbers in the same shade as the nightgown.  The nightgown flowed over my shoulders and down my chest like the fabric was liquid. Cheap liquid, but you know, the coarseness of the material didn't bother me as much. I looked in the reflection in the mirror, expecting to grin, to smile, to laugh maybe, but instead I just... froze. I saw something I’d never seen before, and it took my brain time to process it, to catch up, to figure it out. And I realized, just like that, that I couldn't leave this bathroom wearing this.

"El?"

Marnie knocked on the bathroom door and I stood awkwardly in the hallway in a lavender nightgown. The training pants were already working their magic on me, and I wanted to go watch TV. But knowing my best friend was one door away made it difficult to fall into Littlespace. At least he's in training pants too, I reminded myself.

"Hey hun, you alright in there?" Marnie called through the door. "Do you need help, darling?"

"I'm fine," I answered through the door, although my voice was very... subdued. Quiet in a way, but when forced to raise my voice like I was, it was harder to discern that. "Just getting dressed," I added, as though I wasn't already fully dressed and standing transfixed in front of the mirror. What was it? Why did I care? Why did this feel like a criminal act all over again? Fuck.

"How about you go pick out a movie," Marnie told her.

I looked at her curiously, but she gave me that usual Mom look, which let me know things would be okay. I took a breath and walked away from the bathroom door, toward the living room. Marnie knocked on the door again.

"Sweetheart, is it okay if I come in? I'll help you out, okay?"

"That's fine." I answered, almost robotically, like I heard at all what she said. Which, to be truthful, I wasn't really focused on anyway. It wasn't until I heard the door click closed and noticed Marnie standing in the reflection of the mirror behind me that I realized what was happening. I turned around and forced a smile. Golly heck. "I'm fine, I mean, I'm fine…”

"Uh huh, of course you are." Marnie smiled warmly, but her mind was elsewhere. The boy's expression was... familiar. Something on the edge of a panic attack. His mind was working faster than it should be, and Marnie had a lot of experience with that.

"Come here, hun. Let me look you over, okay?" Marnie took him by the hands, which were lightly shaking. Very similar to Kylie. But why would he be nervous? Was this a bigger deal than she thought? Hm... maybe this wasn't a smart idea after all. But ordinarily, people don't get upset over nothing. Wearing some clothes to match a friend? That's nothing. There had to be something else going on. Maybe, for now, it was best to play along.

"You're so beautiful, El!" Marnie praised. "The cutest little girl, next to your sister, you know? You were right. Pink is your color."

Well, that took the wind right out of my lungs. It literally did, because I felt like I couldn't breathe. Like my lungs were working, in and out, the motion was there, but my head was spinning like there wasn't an ounce of oxygen in the room. I did not like feeling this way. Her praise wrapped me in a blanket of warmth and happy feelings, but also flooded away any chance of air finding its way to me, and it was this paradox that made me feel helplessly dependent and horrendously avoidant. Maybe I was sick. This was sick, right? Like I had the flu? I should go home.

"Um."

Alright, time to take some drastic measures. Marnie lowered the lid of the toilet and sat herself down, pulling the trembling boy into her lap. With firm motions, she pulled his head into her shoulder and started to rub his back.

"Shhh... shh, it's okay, El. Mommy's here... you're safe. I'm gonna keep you safe. I've got you... nothing can hurt you. Shhh..." A casual reminder wouldn't hurt. "If you need to stop, you say so. Everything can stop, no worries, no fears. Shh... that's a good girl—” Fuck... “—err... boy. Or..."

I wanted to correct her, but I didn't know immediately on which word choice, and that moment of unclarity was really what was getting to me more than anything. I let her hold me, though, maybe because I was unsure if I could stay standing if she didn't, but I couldn't quite figure out the words to say.

This shouldn't matter, this shouldn't be anything. It's just an ensemble, it's just attire, why was my closest ally making me feel like I was the world’s worst villain? This wasn't like me, this wasn't who I was. Shame. Guilt. Confusion. I wasn't twelve anymore, this wasn't how I reacted to stuff like this. Grow up, El! Ironic, given the attire... I sucked in a deep breath and rubbed what I realized were teary eyes, trying to find a gosh darn word to say.

“Thanks,” was what I managed.

Mis-steps were normal, Marnie reminded herself. No caregiver is perfect. She just made a mis-step. So she centered herself and shook her head.

"Shh, stay put, okay? You don't have anywhere to be. We're gonna get through this together, right? That's right. Nod your head for me." She felt his head nod in her shoulder. Wonderful! "There you go. You're doing great. I'm so proud of you." It's amazing how many people haven't heard that sentence.

Proud of me? I didn't know why, and my brain scanned for reasons I could have to be proud. Graduation. Supporting myself. Getting over my fear of buying what I wanted to buy. Figuring out how important clothes were to me. Discovering a part of myself. Proud. Could I be proud of this? Marnie was proud of me, and I guess if she could be, I could be. With my eyes torn away from the mirror, the stars in my vision cleared enough for me to find some words, something that felt good and proper coming from my lips. Something to be proud of.

"Am I cute?"

Marnie looked into Eliot's eyes with a bright smile and nodded her head. "You are extremely cute! To be fair, I have thought you were cute since the moment I met you." At that bar. He was wearing a vest. "But in your nightgown? Especially cute." She booped him on his nose.

I screwed up my nose, unsure exactly how I felt about the booping business, but willing to let it slide for now. And I fell back pretty easily into my usual sense of sassy posturing and rubbed my eyes with a ghost of a little smile.

"I mean if it were my nightgown, it would cost a bunch more, but this one is pretty nice. I guess... you have good taste." The thing was, the moment I tried to fall back into myself, Marnie pulled me back closer over her shoulder and ruffled my hair, almost as though she was trying to distract me from coming back to the surface.

"I may have been a touch overzealous in this whole thing," Marnie said, more to herself. But that isn't how she would talk to a Little. So she pulled Eliot back so she could look into his eyes. "I think Mommy made a mistake tonight. I didn't ask you a very important question. I assumed, and that was very rude of me. But I would like to ask it now, okay?" Eliot looked confused. No surprise.

"We're playing a game. I'm Mommy. Kylie is your sister. But who do you wanna be? Kylie's brother, or Kylie's sister?" Before Eliot could reply, she amended her definitions: "This has nothing to do with the other Eliot. This is a different person. Just for fun, for our game. You can pick, and either one is the right answer." To Eliot, gender seemed important. Fragile, even. It didn't matter which one he chose, but choosing was important. Marnie should have seen that beforehand. But, she reminded herself, no caregiver is perfect.

"Sister." I answered it without thinking, and only then did my brain do the mental gymnastics required to rationalize that response. Obviously sister made me sense for the purposes of Kylie; we were supposed to be the same tonight, dressed the same, treated the same. Sister made more sense for that than Brother did, even though both could work, but this was no time for righteous gender posturing because I was here for Kylie and I wanted her to feel good about all this. So obviously Sister. Obviously.

Hm. Curious. "Well, then sister it is. And remember, if you ever want to stop playing, you just say Butterscotch. Right?" He nodded. "Well then, little one, let's get you out of this stuffy bathroom. What do you think?"

"Uhhuh." Sister. Little one. There were a lot of words here that held power I didn't expect to hear. Good girl. That was another one. Or two, I guess. Two words. And I knew that words could have power; racist words had power. Political words had power. Academic words had power. Why did these words have power? What was so potent about all of this? Kylie came to Marnie to get fixed. I couldn't help but wonder if I came here to get broken.

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[YourFNF]

11 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

much. I looked in the reflection in the mirror, expecting to grin, to smile, to laugh maybe, but instead I just... froze. I saw something I’d never seen before, and it took my brain time to process it, to catch up, to figure it out. And I realized, just like that, that I couldn't leave this bathroom wearing this.

I know I keep posting this GIF but god damn if this kid doesn't keep giving vibes.... One of us.... One of us.... *giggles*

11 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

"Uhhuh." Sister. Little one. There were a lot of words here that held power I didn't expect to hear. Good girl. That was another one. Or two, I guess. Two words. And I knew that words could have power; racist words had power. Political words had power. Academic words had power. Why did these words have power? What was so potent about all of this? Kylie came to Marnie to get fixed. I couldn't help but wonder if I came here to get broken.

Wow those cracking noises are loud..... It's okay hon it'll all make sense soon. God I wish I had a mommy to help me figure this out when I first started. Still could use one.... ??

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Eighteen

Marnie led El out of the bathroom with a touch of trepidation, then down the hall. Maybe she should change some of tonight's activities, given the circumstances. Or maybe things were better left to run their course? Marnie was lost in her head, but she had two little girls to take care of. She didn't have time to be lost.

"Wow..." I looked up at Eliot in his pink nightgown in... disbelief, maybe? I mean, I'd seen Eliot in girly clothes before. I mean, his everyday clothes were girlier than mine! But a pink little girl nightgown, with a stencil of Winnie the Pooh on the front? And his eyes seemed a little puffy - had he been crying? I looked at Marnie for only a moment, and back at my best friend.

"You look..." I paused a little too long, long enough for Marnie to clear her throat. I blinked and returned to the present. "Cute." Was that insulting? Calling him cute? I wasn't trying to be rude, but... damn.

Well, the pause definitely didn't help things - it left me far too long to ruminate on what she could have said instead - and I felt a heat welling up inside of me that only barely got caught and released at the last second by her answer. Cute I could do. Cute I liked, honestly. I flashed her a smile, a genuine one, and rubbed my puffed eyes with the back of one hand.

"You too."

"Did you pick a movie?" Marnie asked me. I pulled my eyes away from my best friend and passed her the DVD. Princess and the Frog. I hadn't seen it yet, and I'd seen most of Marnie's movie collection. We would have to go DVD shopping or something. Marnie went to the entertainment cupboards and put the DVD in the player and started setting it up on the TV. But I couldn't keep my eyes off Eliot. I mean, it's just a nightgown. I'd seen him in a thousand things like that! Well, not like that. But... I dunno. Girly things? This wasn't just a girly thing though. And it wasn't a "fuck gender norms" kind of thing. It was like... a five year old girl. Actually, he kind of looked like one, with his short hair and his nervous expression. A five year old girl grown up into a young man. I don't think... I ever looked at Eliot for so long before. Like there was something there. Something I was searching for. But I... couldn't find it.

I wasn't oblivious to the fact that Kylie was staring at me, but two factors made it less awkward for me: the first was that I barely noticed it, because I was pretty preoccupied with what I was wearing, and the second was that Kylie was supposed to be a four year old girl, so obviously she'd stare. Right? That made sense in my head. I sat down on the sofa, inelegantly, legs akimbo, flashing my bloomers to the both of them, and pulled a throw cushion into my lap to cuddle.

"Kylie, sweetie.”

I pulled my gaze away from Eliot. I looked up at her with a bit of vertigo. Jeeze, what had gotten into me?

"Could you go to your room and get two stuffies? One for you, and one for your sister?"

"Sister?" Oh, right. Eliot was my sister. That felt like it should be weird, but it didn't. I was probably slipping a bit into Littlespace... "Right, uh huh. Okay."

I went down the hall to my bedroom, reaching across the bed to grab my stuffed elephant. Then I went to the shelf by the dresser and picked up a stuffed owl. Did Eliot like owls? I dun think I ever asked Eliot his favorite animal... I was halfway down the hall when I turned on my heel and ran back into the bedroom. I grabbed my Hello Kitty blanket off the bed and dragged it along the floor to the living room.

"I hope you like owls," I said, with a little less cynicism than usual, before pushing the plushie into his arms. Marnie had started the movie already and dimmed the lights. I sat beside Eliot on the sofa - with maybe two feet between us - and pulled my blanket up over me.

Signals were strange, like how sometimes people looked at a yellow light and they saw ‘slow down’, but other people looked at them and saw ‘go faster’. On the sofa, despite the distance, I felt good about where I was with Kylie. I felt good about her, about us. About me... maybe not quite, but that was okay, I didn't need to feel good about me right now. When she pulled her blanket up over herself, though, I felt a signal. I felt a longing. Like I was cut off. I wasn't a clingy boy... er... girl... boy. One of the two. But right now I felt like I needed closeness.

Why? Fricking. Why? It didn't matter. It was just a movie, it was a princess movie and I was in a pretty nightgown, and I was hugging an owl that I didn't know the name of, and this was what I wanted. What I asked for. I looked at Kylie and then at the screen. Then at Kylie, then at the screen. And then Marnie sat down in the space between us and suddenly I didn't feel so bad anymore.

"For you, my darling princesses," Marnie whispered, careful to be heard and careful not to interrupt the movie.

She passed me a sippy cup of apple juice, decorated in red apples and Hello Kitty. I watched her pass one of my other sippy cups to Eliot - a princess one, with Cinderella on it. I looked down at my cup and over at his, then down at mine again. A small blush colored my cheeks, but no one could see it in the darkened living room. Maybe I wasn't thirsty...

I'd been given the spiel on all of this and what to expect. What was this? A baby bottle? A toddler cup? Though I usually only drank water and cold coffee and diet soda, I happily allowed myself to enjoy the juice without a single pang of anxiety or upset over putting empty and inefficient calories into my body. Actually, in that moment I didn't think I even knew what a calorie was.

I looked over at Eliot with curiosity. He was drinking juice? He hated juice. Too much sugar, he said. Maybe he didn't know it was juice? Or maybe he was trying to make it okay for me to drink from a sippy cup? Either way, I slouched down into the sofa and put the spout between my lips. Marnie leaned down and kissed the top of my head, whispering in my ear:

"Good girl."

I didn't notice if Kylie had hers, and to be honest, it didn't matter too much with the relaxed way I was feeling. But I did hear Kylie getting praised, so I had to assume she'd made the right choice.

"I've never seen this movie," I talked, because I always talked during movies, and Kylie either tolerated it or told me to shut up.

"Me neither," I muttered around the spout of my sippy cup. My anxiety and embarrassment about the situation had started to ebb away with another musical number. It was amazing what training pants and a sippy cup could do to a girl's brain. Around the time they introduced the alligator, I slid to the floor without even thinking. I always sat on the floor at Marnie's house when we watched movies - it just seemed to happen on its own.

Marnie wrapped her arm around Eliot's shoulder and pulled him in close, playing with his hair. Maybe having two little girls wasn't the worst thing in the world.

There were a few things I didn't like. Rough, cheap, scratchy clothing. Being made to eat when I don't want to eat. Having people touch me in any way bordering on the intimate. Maybe the latter was because I was afraid of people getting too close to me, or maybe it was because I was an awkward mess when it came to social graces.

Tonight, all the above had happened, and I was... surprisingly okay. I figure I'd lost a lot of my fire on the bathroom incident. What I'd seen in the mirror, what I didn't want to see in the mirror, what — if I didn't look in the mirror again tonight — I could probably escape from forever.

I had lingering guilt about the juice, but I'd drank it and there was nothing for that now. I was worried about upsetting Kylie, but during the movie nothing could really go wrong. So why worry? Why get worked up? And so, I didn't. I watched the movie, the princess movie, in my borrowed outfit. With those weirdly comfortably padded panties. I'd have to ask where she got them...

Marnie got up just before the movie ended - she could read the tell-tale "end of a Disney movie" tropes. She went into the spare room to get something. The credits rolled and I looked away from the screen for the first time in an hour. My sippy cup was empty and I was sitting on the floor. Then I remembered Eliot was here. I looked up at him like he'd just appeared out of thin air. Awkward…

"Hey Ky, did you like the movie?" I felt a lot more ‘me’ now, and I'd neatly smoothed out the nightgown the way I tended to with clothing. I had set the spouted cup down on the side table, and I really wanted my phone. But it was in my pants pocket in the bathroom and I didn't want to get up right now.

"Yeah... um..." I had a lot to say about the movie, but suddenly it felt like I couldn't think of anything to say at all. I shuffled uncomfortably on the floor and pulled the blanket up over my lap. As if on cue, Marnie appeared from the hall with one of the boxes from my room. I instantly recognized it.

"Here you go, princesses. I'm going to get dinner ready, okay?"

She set down the box and patted both of us on the head on her way through the living room. I looked awkwardly at Eliot, then at the box. No point letting it sit there, right? I pulled off the lid and poured out the little plastic squares, each with magnets in the sides. I couldn't remember what they were called, but you could build a ton of really cool things with them! Honestly, they were one of my favorite toys.

Treat her like she's four, but don't treat her like you're not. Okay, this couldn't be that hard, right? I took a breath and sprung a smile, used a chipper tone, and kicked my feet a little. "Whatcha got there, Ky?"

"Uh... just a toy thing..." I didn't make eye contact. Am I supposed to invite him to play? Ugh, this playdate thing is super hard! And I just wanted to build. "It's like... these square have magnets, so you can put them together, like this." I demonstrated by making a cube. Then I put the cube down and started building up from the floor. Maybe a bridge...

"That is really cool!" I'd never seen Kylie play a game that wasn't attached to a TV or monitor, and seeing her build with her hands, puzzle over what to put where, was really endearing in its own way. "Can you make a castle? Like for a princess to live in?" And I added, maybe because I thought Marnie might overhear and I liked to give a good impression, "with her sister princess, maybe?"

"A castle?" Hm... "Yeah, I can probably do that..." I started to put a few more pieces together, to make it a bit bigger. Castles had to be big, of course. Then I had to build it up. Let's see, a few towers and a wall... how could I put those together? After a minute or two or ten, I remembered Eliot was there. Still watching me. I bit my lip a little and looked away. "Are you gonna come help or what...? I'm not doing this all on my own..."

"I'd love to." I stood up from the sofa, smoothed down the nightgown, and then sat cross-legged on the floor across from the pile of building materials, but within reach of a common space for us to build in. I guess it flashed my bloomers again, but I was a boy and didn't really have a concept of stuff like that. "Want me to sort your pieces?"

"Oh, um... yes, please..." Please wasn't really a word in my vocabulary. With Eliot, we were a bit beyond manners. It almost sounded strange to be so formal. I looked away from him and went back to building the castle, which was coming along nicely!

I was good at putting things in order, I had a good mind for it. My bedroom was a palace to the orderly and that was no exaggeration - my panty drawer had an index card and flow chart for sorting them and I was proud of that.

"Is it going to have two towers? One for each of the princesses? Or do they share a tower?"

"Hmm maybe three, so the queen can live there too? I was gonna put it here, but I dunno if I have room..." I pouted a bit and started working on one of the towers.

"You could do one tower, but then half way up it splits into three, with a tall middle spire for the Queen and then two smaller off-shoot towers for the Princesses?" That didn't sound crazy, right? I was kind of picturing it in my head as a kind of trident shape maybe...

"I dunno how to do that," I muttered. Maybe just two towers, an' maybe a gate? Yeah, an' then I could put a middle part here, to... oh. "Do we got triangle ones left? I need the tall ones." Eliot's organization was actually super helpful! We found all our pieces really fast, and it made building a breeze. If only I had the patience to organize it myself... well, that's why I had El! Duh.

"You'll have enough for your towers, but the wall won't be able to be three layers tall, so maybe two layers tall, with turrets on the corners that go three layers tall, and maybe that's where the guards can live?" I didn't know squat about castle design, admittedly.

I nodded in agreement. That sounded reasonable; the guards had to live somewhere, of course. I stuck the tiles where El recommended and then topped off one of the towers with the triangle pieces. All in all, it actually looked like a castle! I mean, a multi-colored see-through plastic castle. But I thought it was pretty.

"I live in that one," I told El, pointing to one tower. "You can live in this one. An' Mommy lives—” I blinked. I meant to say Marnie, but it slipped out. A blush filled my cheeks.

"Mommy lives there," I pointed to where she was pointing, making sure to use her own wording to save face: if I said it, then it wouldn't be so bad that she said it, or at least that was my rationale for it. Maybe she'd just think I was mocking her. Hopefully she wouldn't.

"Y-yeah..." I bit my lip a little and looked around the living room. Where was she, anyway? I got up to my feet, not thinking twice about my less-than-usual little girl nightgown or the slightly-odd way I walked with the thick trainers between my legs.

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[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Nineteen

I found Mommy in the dining room, setting the table with placemats and bibs. I blushed again.

"Bibs aren't daytime rules," I huffed.

"And I have two little girls to look after tonight, and I can't watch both of you at once to make certain you're not spilling food on your pretty nightgowns. So for tonight, bibs are daytime rules for both you and your sister." Marnie declared.

I puffed out my cheeks in annoyance and crossed my arms. "Not fair... I didn't say so!" But it was clear to anyone who saw me in that moment: Big Girl Kylie was long gone. Mommy walked over and kissed my forehead, then brushed my cheek with her thumb. I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. A good kind.

"Go get your sister. You wanna be Mommy's little helper tonight, don't you?" Marnie pulled her close to her chest for a cuddle. Marnie could get used to these playdates.

I pouted and left the dining table, heading back into the living room. I walked in on Eliot removing a piece from the castle and sticking it back on again, maybe figuring out how it works.

"Dinner time," I told him. The pout was still on my face, but my attitude was very different to my usual irritation.

Dinner time. Anxiety there. I didn't want to risk making a scene, ruining the night for Kylie, but I also was the furthest thing from hungry, especially after having that juice earlier. Steel yourself, Eliot. Be a man and go be the good little girl. Wow my life got weird. I got to my feet and frowned a bit, remembering the thickness between my legs after a second and adjusting my gait accordingly.

I sat at one of the placemats and kicked my feet. I wouldn't look at Eliot, not directly. I didn't wanna wear a bib! He was gonna get the wrong idea! But it didn't make me anxious. I wasn't upset about it, not in any serious way. So saying Big No was stupid.

"Aww, look at the two of you!" Marnie said with a coo in her voice. "My little princesses in their matching nightgowns. Gosh, it warms my heart." She took off the apron she was wearing and hung it on a hook near the kitchen, then proceeded to pick up the bibs.

A bib, huh? I mean, okay, I had more questions than anything else. Where do you get a bib in an adult size? Did she have many bibs? Was this just how Kylie spent her nights, now? It was so different to her aloof and kind of passive-aggressive every day self. I offered a smile, but I was sure the worry in my face was evident. Food. Ick.

Marnie tied Eliot's bib first, maybe to spare me some dignity. So when she finally got around to me, I didn't throw a fit. I looked across at El, wearing a bib with a flower design on it. Which meant I had the airplane one. Next, Marnie brought out fresh sippy cups. I wasn't sure when she had taken the empty ones from the living room, but they were full of fresh juice. Then two plastic plates with divided areas were put in front of us. Eight chicken nuggets and a serving of mac and cheese. Ohhh Mommy made really good homemade mac and cheese, too! But when I looked over at El with a smile, I noticed he had only half as much food on his plate. Huh...?

I appreciated the effort I think more than either of them realized - it was less food, and on the same size plate, which helped to allay some of my more negative feelings. It was really nice to be thought of, to be considered, and the warmth of that feeling actually made me resolve to at least eating some of what I was given. I flashed an appreciative smile at Marnie and pointed at Kylie's plate.

"You've been building so you need the extra energy, Kylie."

I looked at Eliot, then at Mommy, who nodded her head. I had been building... I suppose that made sense. I picked up a chicken nugget and took a bite. Mommy sometimes made home-made chicken nuggets that were WAY better, but these ones were frozen, I could tell.

"I made a special recipe this time," Mommy told her little girls. "Low fat milk and cheese, so I hope it's still good. And this is a new brand of apple juice, with a lot less sugar."

I was hardly paying attention to anything she was saying. I sipped my sippy cup and kicked my feet happily.

"Thank you so much," I smiled and picked up a nugget, using all my focus and willpower to just eat without thinking about it - I wanted to reward Marnie for her thoughtfulness. So... think about something else. Think about... how you're wearing a night dress and bloomers, and a bib. That's so peculiar, isn't it? I ate another nugget. It sure is!

"How is the mac and cheese, Smylie?" Mommy asked, after Kylie had a few bites with her little Hello Kitty spoon.

"Very good, thank you!"

"Those are wonderful manners. Maybe you deserve another toy this week, hm?"

"Yeah? I want more magnet tiles so I can make a bigger castle. We ran out of the triangle ones. Right?" I looked at Eliot for an answer without thinking.

"Uhhuh, that's true, we had to downsize the walls to make all the towers happen. But what if an invading nation attacked, or a dragon tried to steal one of the princesses?" I nodded, using the distraction to take a bite of the mac and cheese.

"Dragons?" I thought about it for a minute and nodded my head in understanding. "I gotta get dragons too, 'cause I don't think I have any."

"Of course," Mommy laughed a little and reached across the table, wiping some cheese off the side of Kylie’s lip.

I blushed a bit and looked at Eliot, then looked down at my food.

"Oops." I looked down at the cheese sauce on my bib; I'd deliberated shaken some off the spoon so it dripped onto the bib. I wanted Kylie to feel normalized, because I was a good friend, and she was a good friend to invite me along tonight. I pursed my lips and shrugged my shoulders and took another bite of the pasta. For food, it was pretty tasty.

Marnie gave El a suspicious look. The timing on that was... a bit too coincidental. But she didn't say anything about it. Instead, she said: "See, Smylie? This is why the bibs were a good idea. Your sister is still very little. Right?"

I looked at Eliot curiously and slowly nodded my head. "I guess you're right." Mommy was right after all, huh? She usually was.

I didn't know how I got cast as the younger of the two of us, but I was pretty willing to let it happen for now. I mean, I saw myself as a bigger sibling type, personally, but I did just splatter cheese sauce on my bib intentionally. So who even knows anymore. I'd eaten about a third of the food on the plate when I pushed it discretely to the side and sipped at the juice. Lower sugar apple juice. I'd need to read the label...

Marnie started to clean the table and Kylie hurried out of the room. Eliot was just about to get up when Marnie spoke up. "She's using the bathroom. She'll be back in a minute. I'm proud of you for eating so much, though! At this rate, you might be a better princess than Kylie."

"I don't need to be the best; I think Kylie would prefer that title." I grinned lopsidedly and shrugged. “Thanks for thinking of me with your food choices, though, I really really appreciate it. Sorry about the bib, by the way, I was just trying to show her that she wasn't alone."

"Well, you're a very thoughtful sister," Marnie said, untying the bib from the boy's neck. Then she leaned down and kissed him on the top of the head. "I appreciate you eating so much; I'm impressed, if I'm being honest."

"Impressed?"

"Mmhmm. Let's see, you had... two chicken nuggets and three bites of mac and cheese. That's two more bites than what you ate at the restaurant. Not even counting the apple juice. That's a lot to be proud of." She picked up Eliot's plate and walked it into the kitchen.

For a few moments, I was speechless, because I didn't think I'd ever had someone praise me on my attempts to eat. Quite the opposite: usually people complained about my failings and made me feel awful. "Thank you," I finally blurted out, once she'd left the room, and then quieter again, "thank you…” What a weird night.

"Dessert?" I asked, appearing in the doorway of the kitchen. Mommy shook her head and turned on the sink to rinse the plates.

"No dessert - we had a late dinner."

I whined.

"How about... you can have /one/ cookie! A secret cookie. Don't tell your sister, okay? But first you have to put your toys away."

I nodded passionately. Secret cookie. Yes.

"Get El to help you," Marnie called after Kylie.

I hurried out of the room. I went into the dining area and grabbed Eliot by the wrist.

"Come on, we gotta clean up."

"Uh huh, okay." Ordinarily, she would have got a sassy yes-princess response, but she was being a little peach right now and I was all about it. I plunked down next to the castle and held out the box for her to disassemble into.

Predictably, I didn't disassemble the castle. I started pushing the whole thing into the box, which got half the pieces all over the floor. Then I started picking up the individual pieces and putting them in afterward. It was a very... childish way of doing it. But it made the most sense to me. After the box was closed, I grabbed my Hello Kitty blanket and my stuffed elephant. But the strangest thing about all this was: I was doing it in a frilly purple nightgown, with bloomers on. Something I would ordinarily never wear. And I wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention to it.

"Grab your owl, and grab the toys. We gotta put everything in my room."

"Does Owl have a name?" I asked her, while picking up the stuffed avian analog in one hand, and the box of toy building stuffs in the other hand, following after her in a way not too unlike our usual routine.

"Well, they're yours, so you can name them." I said it like the most obvious thing in the world. Once we were back in my room, I set my elephant down on the bed and took the box of magnet tiles from my best friend to put them away. He didn't know where they went, obviously.

"Well, what's your elephant's name?"

I froze, for just a second, and bit my lip. "None of your business," I answered sharply.

"If I'm your sister, you should tell me stuff like that, like what if you were away on princess business and you wanted me to feed them? You'd call up, and be like ‘oh that one elephant stuffie’? No, you'd be like ‘sister please go feeeeeedd…’” I let my words trail off, hoping she'd answer in her impulsivity.

I puffed out my cheeks and snatched the elephant off my bed, hugging it to my chest. "It's not important! An' don't steal my names for your owl, you gotta think of your own names!"

"Their name is Owlive, if you must know, and they're very sensitive about that name, because their parents were silly hippies who gave silly names. But they soldiered on anyway and became the wisest of the wise owls." I held the stuffy up for emphasis.

...shoot, that's a good name. I turned my head away from El and Owlive and walked past them both, heading out to get my cookie from Mommy. Of course, they followed me.

"So what is it?" I asked again.

"It's noootthinggggg!"

"C'mon, I told you Owlive's name! It's practically the rules that you have to tell me your elephant’s name. If you don't, I'm gonna start guessing!" So as it turned out, my usual sense of flamboyant exuberance actually fit in pretty well with Kylie's whole little girl aesthetic.

"You'll never guess it," I said plainly, and - for some reason - stuck out my tongue.

"Is it Ellie?" The obvious choice!

I blinked. I opened my mouth. Then I closed it. Then I bit my lip. And finally, I turned on my heel and stormed off. Ugh! Having a sister was so annoying sometimes! No wonder my mom didn't have another kid; it was to spare me this frustration!

I blinked, too, at her response, before it dawned on me that I'd been right. Oh my gosh. Ellie!

"Ellie!" I called after her, "that's such a cute name, that's so perfect, I bet Owlive and Ellie would love to hang out!" That was the absurdist in me, which again, worked well with her whole smol girl thing.

I walked into the kitchen with puffy red cheeks and a fiery attitude. Mommy was just finishing the dishes. "Cookie," I said sharply, putting out my hand.

"Hmm... those aren't very good manners. Something on your mind?"

"No. Sisters are stupid. Cookie, please!"

"Is Ellie named after me?" I asked, walking into the kitchen, "I mean I don't think so because I'm El, or Eliot, and I don't think I've ever been Ellie, but I guess in this ensemble the name's not too far off the base, right?"

I looked at him blankly, then turned to Mommy with a huff. "SEE! STUPID!"

Marnie watched her little girl storm off down the hall and then a loud echo of a door slamming. But despite Eliot's confusion, Marnie couldn't help but chuckle.

"She was nervous her first night here," she explained to Eliot. "It was a big step for her. All this. And she was looking for comfort..."

I didn't rightly know what to say to that, because honestly... I didn't know Kylie cared so much about me, or thought so highly. It was really super flattering! And I even felt a bit of warmth on my often anemic cheeks.

"Well that's just about the sweetest thing ever."

"I think so too," Marnie smiled. "I didn't even know until she mentioned you by name. Then I kind of put two and two together. Of course, I never said anything." Eliot looked mortified and Marnie ruffled his hair. "Don't worry, princess. She's just embarrassed. She'll get over it. Here." Marnie fished a cookie out of the cookie jar and handed it to El. "That's hers, for cleaning up. I'll be in when I'm done with the dishes." Notably, she was already done with the dishes. But maybe her two little girls needed some time to talk.

----------------------

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[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Twenty

I knocked on her bedroom door, and spoke in a high pitched voice. "Hello, Princess Kylie, this is Cookie, I've got your sister held hostage and unless you let me in and eat me this instant, I can't say what might happen."

There wasn't any answer. And when Eliot finally gave up and came inside, I was hiding under my Hello Kitty blanket on the bed with the lights out. Ugh, this was so embarrassing...

"Hey Kylie, whatcha doing hiding in the dark? That's when dragons are most likely to come for princesses, you know? Owlive can see in the dark just fine, though, so I'm just gonna follow them over to your bed, okay?"

I didn't come out from under the covers, so Eliot came in. I could see him pretty clearly, in his pink nightgown, but his eyes were still adjusting to me.

"Go away," I muttered, in a tone not quite venomous enough to be my own. I was holding Ellie tight to my chest.

"Well, I can do that if you really want, but I was hoping you'd properly introduce me to Ellie." I took a deep breath, picking my words carefully, and then proceeding. "Mommy said that Ellie helped you out a lot, so I wanted to thank them personally, because you're my favorite person and anyone who is a friend of yours, is a friend of mine."

I looked sideways at Eliot and then down at my stuffed elephant. Mm... "Ellie is a girl," I corrected him, then handed her over for Eliot to meet.

I held the stuffed elephant in my hands and spoke to her with all the earnest seriousness of talking to another person, because whatever way this helped Kylie, so far treating her like a little kid had always been the right move.

"Hi Ellie, I'm El, it's really nice to meet you. You have a really pretty trunk. Do you like to spray people with it like the elephants in movies?"

I turned a little to watch, maybe a little curious. Or maybe out of annoyance? I couldn't even be sure. Eliot talked to my stuffed elephant and introduced himself, had something of a conversation? Then he returned Ellie to me. I continued to pout, but my embarrassment had softened. After all, that was way more embarrassing.

"So," I muttered, still hiding under the blankets. "You're my sister, huh? Does that mean you're a girl now?" My tone was... strange. Not Little. And not quite... me. A hint of playfulness, or curiosity? I'm sure Eliot could tell.

I took a deep breath on that one, and sat down on the edge of her bed. How big a question was that? How young did I have to treat her with it? She didn't sound entirely bratty and juvenile, but there was definitely something there, like a midway point. Like maybe she was seriously asking? Hmm, it was hard to tell, and I had to pick an answer that worked no matter the framing. "I'm El. When I'm here, I'm your sister. When I'm not here, I'm just El."

"No, you're Eliot." Granted, I had always called him El as a kind of fun nickname. The way he called me Ky. It didn't mean anything. Well, not before this moment it didn't. "But Eliot is a boy, right?" Due to Eliot's silence, I had to ask a different question. "So if you're a boy, why aren't you my brother?"

"Because sisters get to wear cute nightgowns, duh, Ky, gosh." I stuck my tongue out at her, but the question deserved an answer. "Mar... Mommy," I chose that term for her benefit, "asked which I wanted to be, and I wanted to be the same as you. So here I am, princess."

I blinked in surprise. Mommy asked him? Then why did he choose to be my sister? Nevermind - that wasn't important right now. "Well, if you're my sister, you can't be Eliot. You'll have to be something else. Like..." I'd been winding him up for a bit, maybe to get even. He embarrassed me, so it was only fair I embarrass him. Right? That's what sisters are for. "Ellie."

"Ellie is already Ellie. If I’m Ellie, she might feel like I was stepping on her toes. And even though she's an elephant, I still don't think she'd like her toes stepped on." Playing it off with humor. Classic me.

"Then you'll just have to ask her permission to share it." I held out my stuffed elephant for Eliot to see. "Maybe if you ask super nice, she'll say yes." Eliot stared at me in the darkness and I stared back. Maybe he thought I was kidding. Or maybe he was worried that I wasn't. Truth be told, I didn't know if I was or not. "Go on, then. She's got stuff to do, you know. She is a stuff animal, after all."

I couldn't help but giggle at that silly pun, and I did my best to save face. "She is a very important elephant, or so she says,” I agreed with her, and felt a bit of a tightness in my chest - not too dissimilar from when I looked in the mirror. Why now though, why this? I shook my head to shake it off and did my usual charming best.

"Ellie, may I please share your name while I'm here? It's a much more princessly name, and you're lucky to have it, so I'd like it very much if you would share." Bam. All that and just some massive chest pains, no biggie! I felt dizzy, though, gosh.

I looked at Eliot with a curious smile and then held Ellie to my ear. "Mmm... hmmm. Mmhmm. You sure? Well..." I looked at Eliot with a deadpan expression. I wondered if he even cared what the answer was. Either way: "She says you can share," I told him. "So your name is Ellie now, while you're visiting. Okay?"

I mean, it was just one step removed from Eliot anyway - what was the harm? No harm. Nothing to freak out over. Ellie could just be androgynous anyway, so no need to get worked up, El. Eliot. Ellie. Phew.

"Well thank you very much, Ellie, I guess I'm Princess Ellie now, aren't I?" On the surface I was calm and chipper, but I did not feel good.

I pulled the blanket off us with a bright smile and El sat upright looking a bit dizzy. Probably from the sudden rush of air. "You said you had a cookie for me?" I asked. He nodded his head and handed me the cookie, which I quickly took a bite of. "Hey, Ellie?" I said, testing the waters. But also... with a sense of seriousness. "Thanks for... uh, being cool about all this. I know it's weird, so..."

"Weird? This is like the most relaxing evening I've had in a long time." Based on averages. The two peaks of anxiety and panic are statistical outliers and really don't need to be counted. It seemed like I was through this one, at least, coming up for air on the other side and all without sobbing into a semi-strangers shoulder in the bathroom.

"Well... thanks anyway." I crawled out of bed and held Ellie the Elephant in my hand. "Let's go see if Marn--" I blinked. "Uh... Mommy," I muttered awkwardly, "is ready for a story." We would have to brush our teeth. Get some milk. No, wait, that was bedtime rules. I hadn't done daytime rules at night in a long time...

"A story sounds pretty good right now. As long as it has a happy ending though, and it better have some princesses in it.” Mommy and Marnie. Eliot and El and Ellie. Sassy Kylie and Bratty Kylie. Tonight had been... really enlightening, learning differences, learning distinctions. I ate food. I was wearing someone else's panties and a borrowed nightgown. And I'd handled all of this in exactly one of two ways: with panache and with panic.

I led the way down the hall and Eliot followed behind, looking a bit awkward. Maybe I had pushed him a little too far with the Ellie thing...

"Oh, look at you," Marnie said with a smirk. "Did you get your revenge on your sister?"

"Eh, something like that," I muttered sheepishly.

"Do you want to stop?" she asked. "You seem rather grown up."

"No, no. Uh... story time will fix it." I twirled my hair nervously and faked a smile. Honestly, when I was dressed like this, it was hard to keep me out of Littlespace for long. And Marnie worked hard all day: she deserved this part.

"Better have a princess!" I reminded Marnie, using that moment to break from the oppressive weight of my thoughts. Tomorrow I could be existential about this. Tonight I was so close to sticking the landing, I was determined not to mess it up. To story time!

"Teeth first," Marnie reminded them.

I nodded my head and led the way to the bathroom in the hall. El followed behind.

"Here, you can have this one." Marnie had a few sets of toothbrushes still in their packages. For guests, she told me. She thought of everything. So I passed him the pink one, so it matched his nightgown. I had a dark blue one. I wasn't sure Eliot and I had ever brushed our teeth together. We had known each other for almost a decade, and we would stay at each others' places all the time, but we just took turns. This was... sort of unprecedented.

I think I connected with the moment a little bit after Kylie did, the... familial nature of it all. It was nice, honestly, like the kind of thing I would have imagined us doing if I were ever the right person or right gender for her to have taken romantic interest in. Instead, we shared this moment as faux-family, as sisters as it were, and it was... really sweet.

We both washed our toothbrushes and put them away. Then, on our way out of the bathroom, we nearly bumped into Mommy. No baby bottles in her hand. Right... daytime rules.

"Let's go, princesses. Into bed. Come on, come on."

I hurried down the hall to my room. Our room? Was El sleeping with me? That felt weird. I mean, we'd done it before, on rare occasions. Splitting hotel costs. That kinda thing...

I think it might have been stranger under any other circumstances, and that was a weird benchmark because I couldn't think of any other part of my life that had been stranger than this whole night. But laying down in Ky's bed, wearing Ky's clothes, laying close to Ky and cuddling the Owl that she gave me... it felt innocent. It felt nice.

"Alright," Mommy said, fishing a book off the shelf. "Scoot over, girls, so I can sit."

Eliot and I shuffled to the side, so Mommy sat down beside me. I leaned into her with a nervous smile and El leaned into me to read over my shoulder. Or maybe to see the pictures? I didn't know how into this he was getting.

"Does it have princesses?" I asked Mommy, for El's benefit of course.

"It certainly does."

My parents were never big into this stuff - the bedroom is for sleeping is what they'd told me for as long as I could remember. In fact, I wasn't sure I'd ever been read to outside of school, much less read a bedtime story. Part of me was eager to be asleep, to seal this night as a good and happy memory. And part of me just never wanted it to end. I sighed wistfully, and put my head on Kylie's shoulder. Sleep would be here sooner than I thought, but for now I was just going to enjoy the princess story.

Mommy told a story about a princess who ran away from home. She pretended to be a pirate and made a name for herself. But when her kingdom was under attack many years later, she had to return. I wasn't sure how the story ended. Did she save the kingdom? She had to, right? But Mommy closed the book all the same.

"Wait... more," I muttered.

"You fell asleep twice," she told Kylie, sliding out of bed and kissing her on the forehead.

"But El wants to--" Mommy put her finger to her lips and pointed behind me. I turned slowly to see my best friend sound asleep, his face in my shoulder. Mm...

"We'll finish it next time," Marnie whispered. "I hope you had a good day."

"I did," I whispered back. And... I think I was telling the truth, too.

"Goodnight, princess," she said, before turning off the light.

Suddenly, I was a lot sleepier than I remembered.

"Goodnight, Mommy..."

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[YourFNF]

On 11/29/2020 at 12:15 AM, Sophie ♥ said:

"Mommy lives there," I pointed to where she was pointing, making sure to use her own wording to save face: if I said it, then it wouldn't be so bad that she said it, or at least that was my rationale for it. Maybe she'd just think I was mocking her. Hopefully she wouldn't.

"Y-yeah..." I bit my lip a little and looked around the living room. Where was she, anyway? I got up to my feet, not thinking twice about my less-than-usual little girl nightgown or the slightly-odd way I walked with the thick trainers between my legs.

https://tenor.com/view/hello-guys-cute-kawaii-happy-gif-13759559

 

These two are so cute

On 11/29/2020 at 5:09 PM, Sophie ♥ said:

Well that's just about the sweetest thing ever."

"I think so too," Marnie smiled. "I didn't even know until she mentioned you by name. Then I kind of put two and two together. Of course, I never said anything." Eliot looked mortified and Marnie ruffled his hair. "Don't worry, princess. She's just embarrassed. She'll get over it. Here." Marnie fished a cookie out of the cookie jar and handed it to El. "That's hers, for cleaning up. I'll be in when I'm done with the dishes." Notably, she was already done with the dishes. But maybe her two little girls needed some time to talk.

I love how naturally he's slipping into Little space

[YourFNF]

On 12/1/2020 at 2:06 PM, Sophie ♥ said:

Chapter Twenty

I knocked on her bedroom door, and spoke in a high pitched voice. "Hello, Princess Kylie, this is Cookie, I've got your sister held hostage and unless you let me in and eat me this instant, I can't say what might happen."

There wasn't any answer. And when Eliot finally gave up and came inside, I was hiding under my Hello Kitty blanket on the bed with the lights out. Ugh, this was so embarrassing...

"Hey Kylie, whatcha doing hiding in the dark? That's when dragons are most likely to come for princesses, you know? Owlive can see in the dark just fine, though, so I'm just gonna follow them over to your bed, okay?"

I didn't come out from under the covers, so Eliot came in. I could see him pretty clearly, in his pink nightgown, but his eyes were still adjusting to me.

"Go away," I muttered, in a tone not quite venomous enough to be my own. I was holding Ellie tight to my chest.

"Well, I can do that if you really want, but I was hoping you'd properly introduce me to Ellie." I took a deep breath, picking my words carefully, and then proceeding. "Mommy said that Ellie helped you out a lot, so I wanted to thank them personally, because you're my favorite person and anyone who is a friend of yours, is a friend of mine."

I looked sideways at Eliot and then down at my stuffed elephant. Mm... "Ellie is a girl," I corrected him, then handed her over for Eliot to meet.

I held the stuffed elephant in my hands and spoke to her with all the earnest seriousness of talking to another person, because whatever way this helped Kylie, so far treating her like a little kid had always been the right move.

"Hi Ellie, I'm El, it's really nice to meet you. You have a really pretty trunk. Do you like to spray people with it like the elephants in movies?"

I turned a little to watch, maybe a little curious. Or maybe out of annoyance? I couldn't even be sure. Eliot talked to my stuffed elephant and introduced himself, had something of a conversation? Then he returned Ellie to me. I continued to pout, but my embarrassment had softened. After all, that was way more embarrassing.

"So," I muttered, still hiding under the blankets. "You're my sister, huh? Does that mean you're a girl now?" My tone was... strange. Not Little. And not quite... me. A hint of playfulness, or curiosity? I'm sure Eliot could tell.

I took a deep breath on that one, and sat down on the edge of her bed. How big a question was that? How young did I have to treat her with it? She didn't sound entirely bratty and juvenile, but there was definitely something there, like a midway point. Like maybe she was seriously asking? Hmm, it was hard to tell, and I had to pick an answer that worked no matter the framing. "I'm El. When I'm here, I'm your sister. When I'm not here, I'm just El."

"No, you're Eliot." Granted, I had always called him El as a kind of fun nickname. The way he called me Ky. It didn't mean anything. Well, not before this moment it didn't. "But Eliot is a boy, right?" Due to Eliot's silence, I had to ask a different question. "So if you're a boy, why aren't you my brother?"

"Because sisters get to wear cute nightgowns, duh, Ky, gosh." I stuck my tongue out at her, but the question deserved an answer. "Mar... Mommy," I chose that term for her benefit, "asked which I wanted to be, and I wanted to be the same as you. So here I am, princess."

I blinked in surprise. Mommy asked him? Then why did he choose to be my sister? Nevermind - that wasn't important right now. "Well, if you're my sister, you can't be Eliot. You'll have to be something else. Like..." I'd been winding him up for a bit, maybe to get even. He embarrassed me, so it was only fair I embarrass him. Right? That's what sisters are for. "Ellie."

"Ellie is already Ellie. If I’m Ellie, she might feel like I was stepping on her toes. And even though she's an elephant, I still don't think she'd like her toes stepped on." Playing it off with humor. Classic me.

"Then you'll just have to ask her permission to share it." I held out my stuffed elephant for Eliot to see. "Maybe if you ask super nice, she'll say yes." Eliot stared at me in the darkness and I stared back. Maybe he thought I was kidding. Or maybe he was worried that I wasn't. Truth be told, I didn't know if I was or not. "Go on, then. She's got stuff to do, you know. She is a stuff animal, after all."

I couldn't help but giggle at that silly pun, and I did my best to save face. "She is a very important elephant, or so she says,” I agreed with her, and felt a bit of a tightness in my chest - not too dissimilar from when I looked in the mirror. Why now though, why this? I shook my head to shake it off and did my usual charming best.

"Ellie, may I please share your name while I'm here? It's a much more princessly name, and you're lucky to have it, so I'd like it very much if you would share." Bam. All that and just some massive chest pains, no biggie! I felt dizzy, though, gosh.

I looked at Eliot with a curious smile and then held Ellie to my ear. "Mmm... hmmm. Mmhmm. You sure? Well..." I looked at Eliot with a deadpan expression. I wondered if he even cared what the answer was. Either way: "She says you can share," I told him. "So your name is Ellie now, while you're visiting. Okay?"

I mean, it was just one step removed from Eliot anyway - what was the harm? No harm. Nothing to freak out over. Ellie could just be androgynous anyway, so no need to get worked up, El. Eliot. Ellie. Phew.

"Well thank you very much, Ellie, I guess I'm Princess Ellie now, aren't I?" On the surface I was calm and chipper, but I did not feel good.

I pulled the blanket off us with a bright smile and El sat upright looking a bit dizzy. Probably from the sudden rush of air. "You said you had a cookie for me?" I asked. He nodded his head and handed me the cookie, which I quickly took a bite of. "Hey, Ellie?" I said, testing the waters. But also... with a sense of seriousness. "Thanks for... uh, being cool about all this. I know it's weird, so..."

"Weird? This is like the most relaxing evening I've had in a long time." Based on averages. The two peaks of anxiety and panic are statistical outliers and really don't need to be counted. It seemed like I was through this one, at least, coming up for air on the other side and all without sobbing into a semi-strangers shoulder in the bathroom.

"Well... thanks anyway." I crawled out of bed and held Ellie the Elephant in my hand. "Let's go see if Marn--" I blinked. "Uh... Mommy," I muttered awkwardly, "is ready for a story." We would have to brush our teeth. Get some milk. No, wait, that was bedtime rules. I hadn't done daytime rules at night in a long time...

"A story sounds pretty good right now. As long as it has a happy ending though, and it better have some princesses in it.” Mommy and Marnie. Eliot and El and Ellie. Sassy Kylie and Bratty Kylie. Tonight had been... really enlightening, learning differences, learning distinctions. I ate food. I was wearing someone else's panties and a borrowed nightgown. And I'd handled all of this in exactly one of two ways: with panache and with panic.

I led the way down the hall and Eliot followed behind, looking a bit awkward. Maybe I had pushed him a little too far with the Ellie thing...

"Oh, look at you," Marnie said with a smirk. "Did you get your revenge on your sister?"

"Eh, something like that," I muttered sheepishly.

"Do you want to stop?" she asked. "You seem rather grown up."

"No, no. Uh... story time will fix it." I twirled my hair nervously and faked a smile. Honestly, when I was dressed like this, it was hard to keep me out of Littlespace for long. And Marnie worked hard all day: she deserved this part.

"Better have a princess!" I reminded Marnie, using that moment to break from the oppressive weight of my thoughts. Tomorrow I could be existential about this. Tonight I was so close to sticking the landing, I was determined not to mess it up. To story time!

"Teeth first," Marnie reminded them.

I nodded my head and led the way to the bathroom in the hall. El followed behind.

"Here, you can have this one." Marnie had a few sets of toothbrushes still in their packages. For guests, she told me. She thought of everything. So I passed him the pink one, so it matched his nightgown. I had a dark blue one. I wasn't sure Eliot and I had ever brushed our teeth together. We had known each other for almost a decade, and we would stay at each others' places all the time, but we just took turns. This was... sort of unprecedented.

I think I connected with the moment a little bit after Kylie did, the... familial nature of it all. It was nice, honestly, like the kind of thing I would have imagined us doing if I were ever the right person or right gender for her to have taken romantic interest in. Instead, we shared this moment as faux-family, as sisters as it were, and it was... really sweet.

We both washed our toothbrushes and put them away. Then, on our way out of the bathroom, we nearly bumped into Mommy. No baby bottles in her hand. Right... daytime rules.

"Let's go, princesses. Into bed. Come on, come on."

I hurried down the hall to my room. Our room? Was El sleeping with me? That felt weird. I mean, we'd done it before, on rare occasions. Splitting hotel costs. That kinda thing...

I think it might have been stranger under any other circumstances, and that was a weird benchmark because I couldn't think of any other part of my life that had been stranger than this whole night. But laying down in Ky's bed, wearing Ky's clothes, laying close to Ky and cuddling the Owl that she gave me... it felt innocent. It felt nice.

"Alright," Mommy said, fishing a book off the shelf. "Scoot over, girls, so I can sit."

Eliot and I shuffled to the side, so Mommy sat down beside me. I leaned into her with a nervous smile and El leaned into me to read over my shoulder. Or maybe to see the pictures? I didn't know how into this he was getting.

"Does it have princesses?" I asked Mommy, for El's benefit of course.

"It certainly does."

My parents were never big into this stuff - the bedroom is for sleeping is what they'd told me for as long as I could remember. In fact, I wasn't sure I'd ever been read to outside of school, much less read a bedtime story. Part of me was eager to be asleep, to seal this night as a good and happy memory. And part of me just never wanted it to end. I sighed wistfully, and put my head on Kylie's shoulder. Sleep would be here sooner than I thought, but for now I was just going to enjoy the princess story.

Mommy told a story about a princess who ran away from home. She pretended to be a pirate and made a name for herself. But when her kingdom was under attack many years later, she had to return. I wasn't sure how the story ended. Did she save the kingdom? She had to, right? But Mommy closed the book all the same.

"Wait... more," I muttered.

"You fell asleep twice," she told Kylie, sliding out of bed and kissing her on the forehead.

"But El wants to--" Mommy put her finger to her lips and pointed behind me. I turned slowly to see my best friend sound asleep, his face in my shoulder. Mm...

"We'll finish it next time," Marnie whispered. "I hope you had a good day."

"I did," I whispered back. And... I think I was telling the truth, too.

"Goodnight, princess," she said, before turning off the light.

Suddenly, I was a lot sleepier than I remembered.

"Goodnight, Mommy..."

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