Helping Partners with AB problems

[rosalie.bent]

One of the things that happen to me a lot as a non-AB woman who has an AB business is that I get a LOT of people asking me for advice about how to bring it up to their partner. You see the same here as it is a very common problem. But what I get in increasing numbers are the non-AB PARTNERS (usually wives) contacting me for advice and support. The reason I wrote the book 'Coffee with Rosie' is that I wanted a short book that was an introduction to AB that was still pro-partner and not simply saying 'go and diaper him!'. It was intended as the opening conversation starter about a topic no one wants to talk about.

Three times in the last month I have had wives at the end of their tether over their AB partners. They still love him and still want the marriage to succeed and in many cases these marriages are 25, 35 or even 45 years long. But AB has become more of an irritant and is now an active threat to both of them. They want a solution... but don't know what it is.

I feel very sorry for them as I've been along that road as well. What I am finding out is that so often, the issues are largely the same, the frustrations the same and the advice is still a variation on a theme.

The one thing that partners are generally NOT aware of is that by letting a strongly regressive AB partner indulge in it, they may in fact end up getting a MUCH BETTER partner as a result. As many of you will testify, holding back a strong AB drive is a nightmare and leads to anger, frustration, loneliness and distraction. I certainly saw that. Once I let my husband be a baby again, I saw truly dramatic improvements that made it a win-win situation for us both.

One psychiatrist some years ago told the parent of a teen baby this simple advice: "Its just a diaper!"  It is succinct and a bit of a slap in the face, but still very true.  There is a lot more to it of course, but if letting your partner wear diapers - even 24/7 - restored your relationship and improved BOTH of your lives, you would think the decision would be easy, right? It isn't and never will be. But it still makes good sense.

The fail point for some relationships is when either partner puts their own preferences and opinions about that of their partner to the exclusion of all else. This works both way. An intolerant and unbending partner is just as bad as the inconsiderate AB.

I try to help some find a middle ground but sadly, I find some just aren't willing to work hard enough to make it work and reap the rewards. I don't speak from the cheap seats but I see some who value their relationships less than they do their own preferences and prejudices.

But when it works.... it is a glorious thing. I hope most of you have it working properly for you at home.

[oznl]

There’s no doubt it can be a tall order for a non-ABDL partner to accept ABDL as an aspect of the relationship.  Even if not dominantly AB, the DL “nappy” aspect alone can be confronting on a number of levels.

When the ABDL is male and the partner female though it seems that the magnitude of that mountain may be compounded.  The very small amount of rational discussion I have managed with my own partner reveals that an ABDL husband contradicts the image of “protector” and “provider” that she finds important in a husband: a bleak insight into the biological imperatives that often underpin human relationships.

I suppose this revelation may be some black comedy counter-balance to the enormous number of women who are oppressed or otherwise shaped (sometimes literally, thinking of corsets) to better conform to their menfolk’s expectation of them at the price of their own comfort.

Ultimately, I could not find any tolerance space left for me and so, backed up against a cliff edge of stress and depression, I demanded and then took that which would not be given.  No excuses, no reasons, it just IS.  In yet another black comedy analogue, instead of burning my bra (I don’t have one by the way), I put on my nappies: permanently.

I feel like a bit like South Korea now.  I have my territory but I have a cease-fire, not a peace treaty with the North and at any time the mortar fire may resume.

I’m still a bit happier than I was.

[rosalie.bent]

2 hours ago, oznl said:

There’s no doubt it can be a tall order for a non-ABDL partner to accept ABDL as an aspect of the relationship.  Even if not dominantly AB, the DL “nappy” aspect alone can be confronting on a number of levels.

 

When the ABDL is male and the partner female though it seems that the magnitude of that mountain may be compounded.  The very small amount of rational discussion I have managed with my own partner reveals that an ABDL husband contradicts the image of “protector” and “provider” that she finds important in a husband: a bleak insight into the biological imperatives that often underpin human relationships.

 

I suppose this revelation may be some black comedy counter-balance to the enormous number of women who are oppressed or otherwise shaped (sometimes literally, thinking of corsets) to better conform to their menfolk’s expectation of them at the price of their own comfort.

 

Ultimately, I could not find any tolerance space left for me and so, backed up against a cliff edge of stress and depression, I demanded and then took that which would not be given.  No excuses, no reasons, it just IS.  In yet another black comedy analogue, instead of burning my bra (I don’t have one by the way), I put on my nappies: permanently.

 

I feel like a bit like South Korea now.  I have my territory but I have a cease-fire, not a peace treaty with the North and at any time the mortar fire may resume.

 

I’m still a bit happier than I was.

 

Your approach of simply demanding your nappies may have been the correct one. My baby did the same to me and sometimes we need to be FORCED into making reasonable compromises. 

[mamabug]

That is why I'm a huge  supporter of people telling their partners BEFORE they get married. It's not fair for someone who is part of the ABDL community to have to 'hide' their feelings or desires - but at the same time, it's important for their spouse to make the decision if they want to take that on or not. We all have things that we consider to be 'deal-breakers' that we ourselves could not handle. There are many things that I would end a relationship on - that has nothing to do with the person themselves and I would never make them feel ashamed about, it's just not something I could do. 

You should never force your partner to indulge in your desires. But, you shouldn't be ridiculed by them either. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship where I had to hide my true self for so long. It's a huge part of me and I couldn't be with someone who didn't accept or even participate (and that is okay!) 

 

[Glennie]

this is a great conversation. Bug I completely agree with you about telling your spouse BEFORE you end up in a serious relationship. Its not fair to end up with mortgages and kids and be several years deep in a relationship when someone finally says.. oh, btw. I have a diaper fetish. The person that gets this news feels cheated. To the point of feeling like you had the opinion they couldn't be trusted with your deepest, darkest secrets. I did tell my wife in the beginning once I figured out our relationship was more serious than just something sexual. It has always been perfect either. My wife was supportive of my ab desires but for the longest time never got involved. She let me have friends and even caretakers. The biggest problem was the caretakers always wanted to bring the relationship to the next level. I didn't want it to interfere with my relationship with my wife. I felt as though I would be cheating on her, which is something I would never ever do to my wife. The hardest part about being a regressive ab is your tend to be very very emotional and just like a baby, you get your feelings hurt way to easily. being that was caused me to end contact with people and go into a state of depression that left my poor wife dealing with and very depressed person. 

     22 years in to our marriage she finally came to me and said she was tired of me constantly going through highs and lows and decided to get involved in the adult/child relationship. It really was for her own sanity she got involved. Life for me and her has gotten a millions times better since she became both mommy and my wife. We are both happier people. We both understand I can't make this go away. It is deeply embedded in my personality. No its not always perfect, we like to consider it a work in progress. We both understand its a bit odd but at this point neither of us care anymore. We are just having fun with all aspect of our relationship. Rosalie Bents books have been a god sent to both me and my wife. Its almost like someone has been living in my closet all my life, taking notes and secretly writing books about me. She and her husband are amazing people ,that have saved my marriage from certain doom. Their advise as been instrumental in making my wife  and me happy with the cards we has been dealt.

[rosalie.bent]

50 minutes ago, mamabug said:

That is why I'm a huge  supporter of people telling their partners BEFORE they get married. It's not fair for someone who is part of the ABDL community to have to 'hide' their feelings or desires - but at the same time, it's important for their spouse to make the decision if they want to take that on or not. We all have things that we consider to be 'deal-breakers' that we ourselves could not handle. There are many things that I would end a relationship on - that has nothing to do with the person themselves and I would never make them feel ashamed about, it's just not something I could do. 

You should never force your partner to indulge in your desires. But, you shouldn't be ridiculed by them either. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship where I had to hide my true self for so long. It's a huge part of me and I couldn't be with someone who didn't accept or even participate (and that is okay!) 

 

That's a nice idea but it is largely idealistic. My hubby did in fact tell me before we got married but told me what exactly?  He couldnt explain it properly (not an uncommon problem) and I wouldnt have understood or accepted it in any case even if he could. That is how the real world operates. I have dealt with couples where the wive did know before hand but the AB drive increases and later on becomes a problem. You can promise the world to your would-be-spouse but that doesnt mean that you actually can fulfill it. AB grows over time and the ability to contain it reduces. 

It's a little easier now in that at least we know more about AB and that people arent 'alone' in it so we can give out prospective partners some information, but even now, it is still hard to prepare yourself for the AB partner experience. It has no equal and is hard to fathom, nevermind accept.

What I try to do with partners is to get them to understand and accept how things are NOW and move from there. What happened beforehand can't be changed. I prefer to think that the committed love for another is enough to allow couples to move past it but alas,  it is not always. Some are too self-centred to consider giving up some ground for their partner's deep needs. The same partner that would stand by their man if they were hurt and left in a wheelchair, run away at the sight of them wearing  a diaper.  

Most times it is just sad. other times, it is pathetic.

25 minutes ago, Glennie said:

this is a great conversation. Bug I completely agree with you about telling your spouse BEFORE you end up in a serious relationship. Its not fair to end up with mortgages and kids and be several years deep in a relationship when someone finally says.. oh, btw. I have a diaper fetish. The person that gets this news feels cheated. To the point of feeling like you had the opinion they couldn't be trusted with your deepest, darkest secrets. I did tell my wife in the beginning once I figured out our relationship was more serious than just something sexual. It has always been perfect either. My wife was supportive of my ab desires but for the longest time never got involved. She let me have friends and even caretakers. The biggest problem was the caretakers always wanted to bring the relationship to the next level. I didn't want it to interfere with my relationship with my wife. I felt as though I would be cheating on her, which is something I would never ever do to my wife. The hardest part about being a regressive ab is your tend to be very very emotional and just like a baby, you get your feelings hurt way to easily. being that was caused me to end contact with people and go into a state of depression that left my poor wife dealing with and very depressed person. 

     22 years in to our marriage she finally came to me and said she was tired of me constantly going through highs and lows and decided to get involved in the adult/child relationship. It really was for her own sanity she got involved. Life for me and her has gotten a millions times better since she became both mommy and my wife. We are both happier people. We both understand I can't make this go away. It is deeply embedded in my personality. No its not always perfect, we like to consider it a work in progress. We both understand its a bit odd but at this point neither of us care anymore. We are just having fun with all aspect of our relationship. Rosalie Bents books have been a god sent to both me and my wife. Its almost like someone has been living in my closet all my life, taking notes and secretly writing books about me. She and her husband are amazing people ,that have saved my marriage from certain doom. Their advise as been instrumental in making my wife  and me happy with the cards we has been dealt.

That is absolutely wonderful, Glennie. iI am proud of you both.

[mamabug]

18 minutes ago, rosalie.bent said:

That's a nice idea but it is largely idealistic. My hubby did in fact tell me before we got married but told me what exactly?  He couldnt explain it properly (not an uncommon problem) and I wouldnt have understood or accepted it in any case even if he could. That is how the real world operates. I have dealt with couples where the wive did know before hand but the AB drive increases and later on becomes a problem. You can promise the world to your would-be-spouse but that doesnt mean that you actually can fulfill it. AB grows over time and the ability to contain it reduces. 

It's a little easier now in that at least we know more about AB and that people arent 'alone' in it so we can give out prospective partners some information, but even now, it is still hard to prepare yourself for the AB partner experience. It has no equal and is hard to fathom, nevermind accept.

What I try to do with partners is to get them to understand and accept how things are NOW and move from there. What happened beforehand can't be changed. I prefer to think that the committed love for another is enough to allow couples to move past it but alas,  it is not always. Some are too self-centred to consider giving up some ground for their partner's deep needs. The same partner that would stand by their man if they were hurt and left in a wheelchair, run away at the sight of them wearing  a diaper.  

Most times it is just sad. other times, it is pathetic.

Maybe so, but it's still the right thing to do. Just as someone has every right to stop dating me because they can't handle the fact that I'm a single mother, they also have the right to stop dating me if they can't handle that I'm a Domme Mommy. Does that make them a terrible person? Of course not. Now...if they called me a freak and disgusting - that is a different story. But, if it was something they couldn't accept, it's better to just rip that band-aid then wait 20 years down the line. Plus, I would be more upset about my partner hiding a secret from me for so long, then the secret itself. That alone in itself can cause the end of a marriage. 

Now of course, if you love someone, you are going to try to work past it  (If it is a healthy relationship) and you're going to be willing to open up and explore. I don't think there is anything wrong with trying to help partners reach a compromise and understand each other. I encourage that just as much.

However, I would not call it self-centered if a partner just can't do it. It's better for them to walk away for their own good and their partners.  For if someone truly loves you and there is open communication and trust, then a relationship should last.

If it doesn't last, it wasn't meant to be. 

I also just wanted to add, that if for some reason my boyfriend and I broke up - I could never date anyone that was vanilla. So I would also end the relationship if they were not open or into the idea of diaper play and ABDL. 

[oznl]

1 hour ago, mamabug said:

That is why I'm a huge  supporter of people telling their partners BEFORE they get married. It's not fair for someone who is part of the ABDL community to have to 'hide' their feelings or desires - but at the same time, it's important for their spouse to make the decision if they want to take that on or not. We all have things that we consider to be 'deal-breakers' that we ourselves could not handle. There are many things that I would end a relationship on - that has nothing to do with the person themselves and I would never make them feel ashamed about, it's just not something I could do. 

You should never force your partner to indulge in your desires. But, you shouldn't be ridiculed by them either. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship where I had to hide my true self for so long. It's a huge part of me and I couldn't be with someone who didn't accept or even participate (and that is okay!) 

 

I did.  She accepted.  It changed over years.

[Mr. Sea Otter]

Marriage is just a different word for compromise. Or well, successful marriage is at least.

My first wife knew all about diapers and stuff before we got married. Then one day she decided she didn't want to be with an ABDL. Granted she was having an affair. Like the chicken and the egg, which came first I'll never known.  She left though, and that was that.

My current wife also knew all about diapers before we got married. But like Rosalie said, the AB drive continues and things progressed. She was pretty good about things for a really long time. She didn't really ever participate, but let me do what I wanted to do. Over the years things progressed. She didn't really complain when actual bed wetting and daytime accidents started happening more and more. But she drew a hard line in the sand at messing. I'd decided to try it during the lockdown / stay at home thing and had managed to stay under the radar for a week or two. Eventually I told her, hoping she wouldn't care or would accept it. But she did. She was really upset when she found out. It wasn't something she was going to compromise on. So it was my turn to compromise.  It was hard, I was in a bad place to begin with with everything going on in the world and it had given me something to distract myself with.  But I stopped, because that was what I had to do. And it was the right call for sure.

[dyperbole]

On 7/10/2020 at 8:52 AM, oznl said:

I did.  She accepted.  It changed over years.

Doesn't change what Mamabug said.  If anything, it makes it even better.  The fact your wife changed is on her.  You were honest with her. 

My wife's opinion of my diaper fetish has changed several times over the course of our relationship, both before and during marriage.  But then again, so has my fetish.  Right now I have no desire to wear diapers 24/7, suck on a pacifier, wear baby clothing, or do much else other than wear a diaper to bed.  That's far different than my level decades ago.  And there's no guarantee that this level will stay the same over the coming years.  She may change her mind again, and I may change my mind again.  That's life.  But by being honest with her before marriage, one thing she can't do is play the "I didn't agree to this" card.  Similar to Eliza Hamilton, she knew who she married.

Right now we're both happy with where we are at with my diaper fetish.  She has no problem with me wearing diapers openly and to bed, and I have no desire to get her involved in my diaper fetish related activities.  

[rosalie.bent]

On 7/11/2020 at 12:57 PM, Mr. Sea Otter said:

Marriage is just a different word for compromise. Or well, successful marriage is at least.

My first wife knew all about diapers and stuff before we got married. Then one day she decided she didn't want to be with an ABDL. Granted she was having an affair. Like the chicken and the egg, which came first I'll never known.  She left though, and that was that.

My current wife also knew all about diapers before we got married. But like Rosalie said, the AB drive continues and things progressed. She was pretty good about things for a really long time. She didn't really ever participate, but let me do what I wanted to do. Over the years things progressed. She didn't really complain when actual bed wetting and daytime accidents started happening more and more. But she drew a hard line in the sand at messing. I'd decided to try it during the lockdown / stay at home thing and had managed to stay under the radar for a week or two. Eventually I told her, hoping she wouldn't care or would accept it. But she did. She was really upset when she found out. It wasn't something she was going to compromise on. So it was my turn to compromise.  It was hard, I was in a bad place to begin with with everything going on in the world and it had given me something to distract myself with.  But I stopped, because that was what I had to do. And it was the right call for sure.

I'm sorry you had  difficult time. I deal with quite a number of couples with this kind of problem and what I find is that if the partner is willing to give SOME ground, a workable compromise is possible. The first step is always the hard part and I understand it, but it is still not fair.

[Forced2wet]

I have previously told the (long) story of my journey with the AB/DL and my long term partners.

The first, my (now Ex) wife of 20 years, never knew anything about it until she discovered a used disposable and I had to come clean.

My old girlfriend, who I told after I was asked to move in with her/when the relationship became serious.

My current partner who knew about this side of me before we even met in person (online dating) 

I was fortunate that all three were able to join in with me to varying degrees.

In hindsight, it was my former wife, who knew nothing about this side of me for most of our relationship, who adapted best and was the most keen to pursue the AB/DL carer role. 
So from my experience, it wasn’t so much when I told but who I told.