The Magical Place (Complete)

[Guilend]

I'm happy and it so happens that I'm always right. ?

[Sophie ♥]

The Fourth Value: Freedom

“I feel… kind of tingly.” I held Lola tight to my chest and melted into the bed.  My head felt weird.  Fuzzy, sort of, like the fur of a cat.  And the room looked different.

“Is your world a little brighter, sugarplum?” Rachel asked me, a smile on her lips.  And it was.  The sky outside wasn’t quite as black.  The corners of my room weren’t quite as dark.  The candle between us flickered with swirls of orange and red and yellow.  It was… unordinary.

“Maybe a little… is that normal?”

“The world always has a bit more color when you are embracing life,” she told me. “You are well on your way to the magical place.”

I nodded my head and thought about her list of values.  Honesty.  Trust.  Imagination.  And… 

“Freedom is the next one, right?  And I’m a princess, so I’m already free.  So we can skip this one.”

She reached across and patted the top of my head, then the top of Lola’s, with a strange, kind smile.  A familiar smile I couldn’t quite place.  But it made all the tingling and the fuzziness swish around me, forcing a smile to my face.  I really liked when she did that…

“Is that what freedom means, do you think?  That all princesses are free?”

“Of course,” I said quietly, with a tilt to my voice.  An inflection I couldn’t quite place.  Higher-pitched, maybe?  Or an unusual enunciation?

“I’m not so sure,” Rachel said. “Freedom means the ability to be yourself, to unshackle yourself from the things that hold you back.”

I puffed out my cheeks in annoyance and held Lola tighter. “Princesses do whatever they want!  Nothing holds me back!”

“Not even yourself?”

I looked up at Rachel with surprise, then down at my teddy bear.  I held her tight to my chest and pouted.

“Remember, sweetie… honesty.”

Honesty.  The first virtue I learned.  It was only minutes ago, but it felt like hours.  Days, even.  Like a long-lost lesson I picked up in elementary school.  Something I had to work to remember…

“…I dunno,” I shrugged, looking at my bedsheets. “Maybe… um.  Maybe I get in my own way sometimes… but I have good reasons!”

“Oh?” Rachel inquired, tilting her head.

“I gotta watch the kingdom’s finances!  And I gotta keep up good public appearance.  I gotta be well-liked.  I’ve got so much to do…”

“But sometimes you have to let that go for a bit, like we talked about earlier.  Do you let yourself?”

“Of course I do!” I said with certainty.  But the more I thought about it, the less certain I was.  Honesty creeped into my thoughts. “Sometimes?  Kind of…”

Rachel raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms.  That stern expression really did a number on me.  Like when my mom would doubt me.  I huffed and defended myself.

“Well I have responsibilities!”

“But we are talking about the times you let those responsibilities go,” Rachel corrected me.

“Even if I let go of my princess responsibilities, I still have other ones!  Normal ones, stuff everybody’s gotta do.  Like pay attention to the time, so I know when I gotta go to sleep.  So I don’t forget to eat, and I gotta make food, and—”

Rachel reached over and pushed the pacifier between my lips, the one she had broke into my room to take away from me.  And immediately, I began to suck on the small, undersized nipple.  My cheeks went red and my breathing began to steady.  And in the five seconds it took me to spit it out, I’d been entirely silenced.  Gosh…

“Wouldn’t it be nice to have some help for a change?” Rachel asked.

“I dun need help,” I pouted, sulking into my sheets. “I can do it myself…”

“But wouldn’t it be nice?  A princess is pampered, after all.”

I hadn’t thought about it that way before.  Most princesses never cooked their own food or drew their own baths.  Most princesses never changed their own clothes or made their own beds.  I did a lot more stuff than most princesses, because I thought I should.  Because I was supposed to be the ruler of a kingdom one day, because I had to learn responsibility.  But those were pressures I put on myself.

“I guess… I’m free from other people.  But not from myself.”

“It’s hard, isn’t it?  It takes practice.”

“But I don’t want to practice,” I muttered. “I want to go to the magical place.  This isn’t fair!”

“It’s different for everyone,” Rachel sighed. “For me, it’s about trust.”

“I did the trust one,” I sulked.

“And yet?”

“And… I guess I still worry.  Not ‘cause of them.  I do trust them!  But… I can’t stop thinking about it.  Maybe I’ll do something wrong, or make a bad decision.”

“So?”

“So, what if I stay up too late, and I have a meeting the next day?”

“What if you do?” Rachel asked.

“Then… then I’ll be tired the whole time.”

“And you’ll make it through.”

I puffed out my cheeks and crossed my arms over Lola. “What if I’m too tired?  What if I can’t have the meeting?”

“Then you’ll reschedule.”

“And inconvenience everyone!”

“A manageable consequence,” she explained. “Something that would blow over in… a day, perhaps?”

I shrugged my shoulders and played with Lola’s paws.

“What if I eat too much?” I asked.

“Then you’ll feel sick.  And later, you’ll feel better.”

“What if I buy something without thinking?”

“Then you’ll have to save some money next time to make up for it.”

“What if—”

“Princess,” Rachel interrupted. “There is no mistake you can make that is big enough, wild enough, or important enough that it can’t be undone.”

She was right.  Even the most complicated, esoteric scenarios I could come up with were easily resolved with an apology and a few days time.  Then why was I so scared?

Rachel put a hand on my cheek and drew her thumb along my skin, warm and delicate.  I looked up at her with teary eyes.

“You can take precautions,” she told me. “Plan your food in advance, with little lunch boxes.  Schedule a bedtime, and an alarm to tell you when to get ready.  Set aside a certain amount of money you can spend, if you’re worried about it.  Even potty breaks aren’t necessary, if you think about it.  Little girls don’t make it to the bathroom all the time.”

Every word calmed me.  They brought me back to the present, to my bedroom, to the dark windows and the candlelight.  To the woman who was teaching me something important.  I wiped the tears from my eyes.

“I just… I want to do everything right,” I muttered.

“Isn’t that itself a form of shackles?” Rachel asked.

“I dun understand…”

“Setting such high standards of yourself.  Never being allowed to fail.”

“But I dun wanna fail…”

“But is it not healthy to be allowed to fail?  To get back up, to build resilience?”

“I suppose…”

“And failure allows others the opportunity to help.  To be your knight, your handmaiden, your friend, your protector…” Rachel ran her fingers through my hair and spoke softly. “To bathe you, to feed you, to dress you… to take on your responsibility.  To take on your failures as well.  You don’t have to shoulder this alone.”

I nodded my head and slid into her arms.  She kissed me on the top of the head and ran her fingertips up my back.  Calming.  Serene.  And I realized…

“Thank you for helping me,” I whispered to her.

“Thank you for allowing me to, little princess.”

[Sarah Penguin]

[Wannatripbaby]

Soooo good! I'm not sure whether you'll have her learn the lessons and end the story there or actually give your readers a chance to see her put the lessons into practice the following day, but whatever happens I know it will be great. ♡

[Scarlet]

Wow! This one hit me hard. It really connected with me. Like the Trust one, I felt a connection but this one jacked in and slam the connection into me. Great work Sophie!!

[Sophie ♥]

1 hour ago, Scarlet said:

Wow! This one hit me hard. It really connected with me. Like the Trust one, I felt a connection but this one jacked in and slam the connection into me. Great work Sophie!!

I'm glad this story is resonating with people!  It hits very close to home for me, and it means a lot that I can share such an important aspect of myself and my struggle.

2 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Soooo good! I'm not sure whether you'll have her learn the lessons and end the story there or actually give your readers a chance to see her put the lessons into practice the following day, but whatever happens I know it will be great. ♡

Funny you mention that.  Only one chapter left.  

[Sophie ♥]

The Fifth Value: Love

“Are you ready?” Rachel asked me, holding my face in her hands.  She looked down at me with curious, warm eyes.  We had been talking all night, and now, we had come to the ultimate test.  The final gate.  Love.

“I’m ready,” I told her.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, holding Lola tight to my chest.  This… this was hard to admit.  But, truth be told…

“I dunno if I love who I am.”

Rachel nodded her head and continued to listen.

“I… I’m a princess.  And I love everyone in my kingdom.  And I love taking care of people.  But… but I just wanna be a little girl again, with no responsibilities.  I wanna have someone dress me in the morning and play with toys all day.  I want somebody to make my food for me and tuck me in at night.  I don’t wanna worry about potty breaks or money or anything!  But…”

…but…

“But that’s not me,” I sighed. “That’s not the princess I am today.  It’s just… a stupid fantasy.”

“Does it have to be?” Rachel asked.

“I have to take care of my kingdom,” I muttered, looking down at my teddy bear with a heavy heart.  Saying these words… they physically hurt. “I can’t be a little girl anymore…”

“Do you really believe that?”

I nodded my head. “I can’t turn back time.  It’s… it’s all just a selfish game…”

“Everyone needs a way to unwind,” Rachel explained. “Some wood carve.  Others bake.  Some people hike, for some reason!  So then, what’s wrong with curling up with a coloring book and a blanket?”

“Because it’s weird,” I said without thinking. “Because I’m a grown woman.  I’m a princess.  I can’t be lying around like a dumb toddler…”

“Why not?  Is it wrong that others do it?”

“Probably,” I said sharply.

“…is it wrong for me?” Rachel asked, with a curious glance.  And for the first time, I saw Rachel shyly look away. “Why do you think I wanted your pacifier to begin with?  Why do you think I’m here at all?”

“I…” She was like me?  She wanted to be a little girl too?  I looked at the pacifier between us, resting on the bedsheets where I spit it out.  And then, I looked up at Rachel with renewed wonder.  Everything she had been telling me, she had gone through it.  She struggled the way I struggled.  Suddenly, I felt guilty…

“So?” She asked again. “Do you think it’s wrong for me, that I am a grown woman, a princess, and I spend my time lying around like a… a dumb toddler, was it?”

I bit my lip and looked away. “N-no…”

“So why do you hold yourself to higher standards?”

“I… I just wish I didn’t want this!  I wish I could be normal, and if… if I pretend long enough, maybe the feelings will just go away…”

Just then, I felt Rachel’s hand in mine.  I looked up at her, into her warm and calming eyes, at her soft apologetic smile.

“They don’t go away,” she told me. “You’ll always want to be the mature princess, with a kingdom to rely on her.  And the little girl who wants everyone to baby her.”

I felt tears fill my eyes. “But… but I can’t want both.”

“Why not?”

“Because!  Because they’re opposites…”

“So?”

“So it doesn’t make any sense!”

“Why not?  It’s my time as a little girl, my time in the magical place, that gives me the energy and love to take care of my kingdom.  Without it, I wouldn’t be me: the mature ruler or the little girl.  I’d be hollow and empty, unable to be myself.  Without a every part of me, I’m not me at all.”

I looked at her with wide eyes, as tears dripped down my cheeks.  She brushed them away with her thumbs and kissed me once on the forehead. 

“Love who you are.  All of you.  Because it’s not any one part that does miraculous things.  It’s the whole person.”

I dove across the bed into her lap, wrapping my arms tight around her stomach.  And I cried.  Gosh, did I cry.  Because for so long, I’d been fighting this.  I’d been coming up with every excuse I could to push down these feelings.  But they were me.  They were every part responsible for the wonderful things I’d done, and all the things I would do.  They were me.

“Shh… that’s a good girl… shh…” Rachel played with my hair and whispered nice words.  I could feel every one of her movements.  I could hear every breath.  And when I opened my eyes, my tears refracted the candlelight into rainbows.

Rachel helped me into bed and tucked Lola under my arms.  Then she popped my pacifier between my lips.  This time, I didn’t spit it out.  I sucked comfortably and looked up at her with awe and wonder.

“It’s bedtime now, my sweet princess.” She leaned down and kissed me once on the forehead.  The sensation of her lips upon my skin surged through every neuron in my body and I melted into the bed.  I pulled Lola closer and sucked sleepily on the pacifier.  Everything… seemed… so…

…so…

…magical.

“Always remember those five values,” Rachel told me. “And you will be able to return here, to this magical place, whenever you want.”

I nodded.  Finally, I understood.

Rachel blew out the candle and disappeared into the dark room.  But it wasn’t scary.  There were no monsters.  No, there was only the comfort of my blankets, the protection of my teddy bear, and the safety of my pacifier.

I woke up to sunlight streaming through my windows.  Morning came too fast, tugging me away from such wonderful dreams.

Dreams…

Rachel.  Was she just a dream?  Another game of make believe?  Or did some stranger break into my room last night, and walk me through the most meaningful revelation of my adulthood?  Either way, I would never forget her lessons.  After a moment of quiet contemplation, I pulled myself out of bed.  Another new day.  But this one was brighter than the others.  This one shined with possibility.

As I climbed out of bed, something fell out of my tangled sheets: a small, familiar pacifier.

[End]

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Complete PDF and ePub copies of this story are available on my Patreon!  Please check it out.  

[Scarlet]

WoW!!! Just WoW. That's all I can say this story was a great experience despite it's short length. It was very inspiring. Great work Sophie!

[Sarah Penguin]

[Wannatripbaby]

Such a great story. I remember my own journey to accept myself. And while it didn't look quite like this (since I'm a CG and not a Little) the lessons are the same. The feelings are the same. The pain is the same.

This os a story everyone in this community should read. ♡

[Sophie ♥]

Thank you all so much for reading and thank you for all the kind comments.   I'm glad this is such a relatable feeling - it makes me feel a whole lot less alone/weird.

[TomBoyAB]

This was an amazing story!!! I felt a real connection to the princess character (even though I'd never be caught dead wearing a frilly dress! ?) 

The "organized chaos" that is both her and my room, the subconscious need to try our damnedest to not burden others unless we absolutely have to, the constant internal struggle of wanting to be there for everyone and not having any time to be our true selves and/or let our other side show...

Not gonna lie, currently bawling my eyes out rn.

But that's what good authors do!!

They'll make you feel as though what you're reading is truly happening...❤️

[fyunch]

Charming.  I'm waiting for more ...

[Sophie ♥]

On 9/23/2019 at 10:30 PM, TomBoyAB said:

But that's what good authors do!!

They'll make you feel as though what you're reading is truly happening...❤️

 Awwww thank you so much for such high praise!

13 hours ago, fyunch said:

Charming.  I'm waiting for more ...

That's all for this one, I'm afraid!  But more stories will come, I'm sure.