Trying to accept myself again

[MetroGnome]

Hi, let me kind of give you a little background of myself I am a DL, this fetish dominates pretty much all of my sexual arousal (I have a few other fetishes, not as strong). I have lived with a diaper fetish since I was 6. I knew what aroused me, but never understood it. I stole diapers from family members homes and what not for pretty much all of my life up until the point when I got a job and could buy them myself. All of my life I have struggled to accept myself for who I am and often felt great amount of depression and loneliness, and disconnection from the rest of society. Until last year when my best friend and I went on a week camping vacation where along the way I learned he was a fury. This was probably the best thing that has ever happened, I began to accept my fetish and embrace it, I finnaly knew I wasn't the only different person. I was able to talk to him about my urges and my feelings. Fast forward a few months and he leaves for the military, I feel alone again. I feel extreme feelings of guilt and hatred after wearing diapers, I can't even look at myself in the mirror because I feel so disappointed in myself, even though I know that it is me, it's who I am. I don't have urges for a week or so, and when I do they are strong and dominate my concentration. Everytime i indulge i get the same feeling again.I guess I am searching for some hope and really some help to eliminating these guilt feelings so I may return back to my normal self. Thank you for your support!

[Bettypooh]

The best way to end the guilt is self-acceptance. None of us asked for these feelings but we've got them and they will not go away nor can someone else make that happen either. So we're stuck with it, like it or not As you can see by the sheer number of members here, this doesn't keep you from having a decent life. We've got people from every walk of life aboard our site. Some have it tougher than others but we're all dealing with it, becase that's all we can do. The thing to focus on is that this can be dealt with well

[id0ntknow]

Very good advice Bettypooh. The only thing I would like to add is that when you feel yourself growing angry and confused by this MetroGnome, Don't get rid of your diapers and other AB/DL items. Only store them away somewhere until you feel better. You'll be glad you did later, when the urges come back, and you can just act on them then, rather than having to buy your stuff all over again.

[MetroGnome]

Thank you Bettypooh, it does mean a lot. Often I forget how many people are out there struggling with the same issues. I guess when I am surrounded by "normal" people I often forget that. After reading through others posts I kinda didn't feel so alone again.

[MetroGnome]

Very good advice Bettypooh. The only thing I would like to add is that when you feel yourself growing angry and confused by this MetroGnome, Don't get rid of your diapers and other AB/DL items. Only store them away somewhere until you feel better. You'll be glad you did later, when the urges come back, and you can just act on them then, rather than having to buy your stuff all over again.

Yeah i can never throw away my stuff, I mean I go through and get rid of stuff every once in a while....but getting rid of everything no matter how disappointed I am can't happen, I know myself to well to know the out come of that. I just have my fingers crossed my parents don't ever find my stashs, it will be hard to confront that! I know I can tell my mother and she would understand, but my dad on the other hand is rather intimidating to me, someday I say to myself....

[id0ntknow]

Yeah i can never throw away my stuff, I mean I go through and get rid of stuff every once in a while....but getting rid of everything no matter how disappointed I am can't happen, I know myself to well to know the out come of that. I just have my fingers crossed my parents don't ever find my stashs, it will be hard to confront that! I know I can tell my mother and she would understand, but my dad on the other hand is rather intimidating to me, someday I say to myself....

I actually thought the same thing of my dad, and to my surprise, he didn't get upset with me at all. Now, I am by no means telling you to tell him, but simply stating that the outcome might be different than you expect it to be. Do you have a good hiding place, and are your parents nosy enough to invade your space to look?

[MetroGnome]

Well I ended up telling my mother today and she was very accepting, she told me she didn't quite understand but said that she that if it doesn't hurt anyone then its perfectly fine. I told her where I hide them. Ya she is not nosy so I knew I didn't have to go to elaborate for a hiding spot so I ended up putting them in our attic. My dads house is kind of different, he is a little nosy as is my step mom who i can really never trust.I ended up putting them in a locked suitcase just in case (I am very paranoid). I have the rest in a backpack in my closet which is mostly what I'm worried about..

[id0ntknow]

Glad to hear that your mother was accepting of your secret. My parents' reaction was roughly the same. My dad's words were something along the lines of "There's certainly weirder things to have a fetish over". They were more concerned that I had tried to cut myself recently before telling them my secret.

[MetroGnome]

Have you been better off with the relationship between your parents?

[Baby Brian]

Another thing that might help you is to truly try and understand the definition of "normal". Since this is a term that applies to everyone in general you have to ask just how "normal" every person is. Once you get past the face/persona that everyone puts on for the world, you then learn that every single one of them has at least some sort of variation from that overall normality. In other words, normal people are not completely normal. If they were, then that would just be plain weird.

[MetroGnome]

Yeah the thought that initially pops into my head would be my best friend I was talking about above. I would have never guessed, he puts up a very masculine face. I was shocked when he started talking to me. I guess you never know a person until they open up. Idk why I forgot that sometimes....

"Don't judge a book by its cover."

[id0ntknow]

Have you been better off with the relationship between your parents?

I feel like we do get along better now. The relationship was never really bad, but I assumed that my parents, dad especially would react negatively. I would have very bad dreams about them finding out and me getting disowned at best, and committing suicide at worst. Thankfully, since telling my family, those thoughts have left me, and I hope they never come back.

[MetroGnome]

I feel like we do get along better now. The relationship was never really bad, but I assumed that my parents, dad especially would react negatively. I would have very bad dreams about them finding out and me getting disowned at best, and committing suicide at worst. Thankfully, since telling my family, those thoughts have left me, and I hope they never come back.

I feel like its kind of just a Dad thing, I don't think he would disown me but I feel he wouldn't understand at all. I also don't want him to look at me any different than he sees me now. I was comfortable talking to my Mom because she has always been very understanding.....my Dad not so much. I do want to tell him in one hand to stop my paranoia about him finding my stash, in the other I know it is going to take some serious courage to talk to him, I do hope I can someday and I hope for him to understand me and for him to not look at me any different than now.

[Dill_Pickle]

Idontknow, glad to hear you are feeling better.

[MetroGnome]

Idontknow, glad to hear you are feeling better. Just to let you know, I recently surveyed chat informally, and about half of chat had cut themselves at one time or another.

Metrognome, if you have a car, your trunk would be an excellent place to keep your stash away from your dad. Without a locked something-or-other (just a chest with a hasp will do), I would not keep any stash at his place...there is simply too much distrust between you, and the best way to control it is to remove the opportunity for him to find your secret.

And there is zero wrong with wearing diapers because you want to, and zero wrong with not telling your dad. It is as private as whatever went on between him and your mother in the bedroom. I suggest you simply wear some "protective underwear" (adult pullups) all of the time for the time being, that should let you get on with the rest of your life. I quit wearing protection when I am too busy to put it on in the morning. I am the only one that knows whether I am padded or not, or whether the padding gets used or not.

If work ever asks, you can say you need them medically, and if that isn't enough, you can say that before you became employed with them, you wrecked a car, and things don't quite work right anymore. There are members here in precisely that situation. I am personally on drugs for an enlarged prostate, and sometimes it is very hard work to pee, other times it is trivially easy, depending on nothing in particular, so that would be a reasonable explanation for being inconsistently diapered at work, but I seriously doubt it will come up.

Ya I have stored them in my car before, I actually own a subwoffer and I stored the behind the woffer. The only problem I saw was I don't actually own my car my Dad is sort of just letting me use it since its an extra car. Once I get my own car it will move out there in a heart beat. If thinking of throwing out the stuff in my backpack in the closet anyway since I don't ever use them anymore, and going through my suitcase. Then I should be able keep all of my stuff in a locked container and not have to worry about him finding my bag. I used to actually wear a diaper every night for a good 3 months and it kind of made my fetish fade a bit, and it kind of made me a bit lost because this fetish fills about 80% of my sexual intest.I haven't had a job in 2 months until just recently so I haven't been able to afford new diapers. I do think as time goes on and I become more confident I actually might switch to a 24/7 because I have always wanted to.....but as of right now I don't think I am ready. Thank you for responding Dill_Pickle!

[Bettypooh]

Deleted a double-post I thought I was the only one who had that issue I like how Dill Pickle worded it: "remove the opportunity" That's always the best approach- the impossible doesn't happen so make it impossible Always remember that what is convenient to you is also convenient to someone else and that distance equals innocence You may not be able to hide a lot in a given situation but with some good brainwork you can hide a lot of stuff almost anywhere you're at. Think like your "enemy" to learn how to defeat them

[MetroGnome]

Deleted a double-post I thought I was the only one who had that issue I like how Dill Pickle worded it: "remove the opportunity" That's always the best approach- the impossible doesn't happen so make it impossible Always remember that what is convenient to you is also convenient to someone else and that distance equals innocence You may not be able to hide a lot in a given situation but with some good brainwork you can hide a lot of stuff almost anywhere you're at. Think like your "enemy" to learn how to defeat them

Bettypooh

Ya I guess you're right, I have kinda stuffed it in my closet under a lot of stuff, I do however think I'm going to tell him....you all have filled me with an overwhelming sense of confidence (I want to thank everyone)....I really do think I am going take on my biggest fear, I know if this all works out I will be happier, no longer paranoid, and accepted.

[id0ntknow]

Ya I guess you're right, I have kinda stuffed it in my closet under a lot of stuff, I do however think I'm going to tell him....you all have filled me with an overwhelming sense of confidence (I want to thank everyone)....I really do think I am going take on my biggest fear, I know if this all works out I will be happier, no longer paranoid, and accepted.

I wish you the very best of luck if you decide to tell him. Here's hoping to you being able to be more carefree very soon, and not have to worry about your interests being found at times you don't want.

[MetroGnome]

I wish you the very best of luck if you decide to tell him. Here's hoping to you being able to be more carefree very soon, and not have to worry about your interests being found at times you don't want.

Thank you so much!

[id0ntknow]

Not a problem at all Metro. I know how scary it can be living with the fear of being found out. I still haven't told my closest friends yet, and I'm kinda ashamed of that. I feel like since I've known them for more than 10 years now, they should be able to know, but I can't bring myself to do it.

[Dill_Pickle]

My mother still doesn't know, and I don't think my dad ever did.

[MetroGnome]

My mother still doesn't know, and I don't think my dad ever did. So there is no obligation to tell him, certainly not for us.

There was only one friend who made me comfortable enough to tell besides the woman who is my wife, and my ex, who abused the information. The friend made me comfortable because some other topics regarding sex came up, we shared pretty liberal attitudes, and I once told him to change his diaper before he got too close to anyone.

Given that you can't buy more stuff at the moment, I'd hold onto my toys and move them to a safe place, rather than toss them, even if I wasn't currently use them...but I am a hoarder, something awful!

As to the trunk, I think a plain box with plastic grocery bags on top inside (way too abundant at my house) would be unlikely to be looked in, and if it was seen, you would probably get a reminder to recycle the things! Yes, you are "borrowing" the car, but it seems to be "yours" for the moment...and the best "dad" repellent is to take good care of it. Kind of tough to leave it shining in the driveway right now, but won't hurt when it's a little easier. Do the basic maintenance; oil, tires, that kind of thing.

Yes luckily he pays for all the maintenance items , all I have to do is put gas in it and pay for the insurance. Sometimes he can get suspicious because I'm kinda a little quiet about my personal life, so I hide things as best I can.... Always searching for new hiding spots... At my dads its kind of difficult, there really isn't any good spots, my car is a place I wouldn't want to put my stash somewhere he is entitled to search... I'm kinda leaning to one of these large locked briefcases, that's really all the space I need.

[MetroGnome]

Ya broke the news to my Dad.... He didn't hardly want to talk about it, he asked me why I was telling him such information and I said its because I want you to know that I have a stash in this house, he responded by telling me that was weird. He told me I should get rid of the stash so my step mother won't find it

...which I can't do...he doesn't understand how helpful it is in a time of need. Its just another way of saying that he dosent feel comftrable with me having diapers in his house. I seek acceptance and all I got was a 3min awkward decision I instantly regretted.

[MetroGnome]

Not a problem at all Metro. I know how scary it can be living with the fear of being found out. I still haven't told my closest friends yet, and I'm kinda ashamed of that. I feel like since I've known them for more than 10 years now, they should be able to know, but I can't bring myself to do it.

I have only told a few of my friends...only one paid off when I found out he also had a fetish, after that I have grown a lot closer to him as a friend.

[id0ntknow]

Sorry to hear that it was so awkward telling your dad. It sounds like he thinks the stepmother will react worse to me. Hopefully that doesn't happen.