Jokes?

[Sunshine2585]

Sorry that this is all in capitals. I copied it from somewhere else and didn't want to have to change it all.

AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "Oh, THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER, CHUCKY. WHEREVER I

GO, CHUCKY GOES."

"I AM SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN

THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS.

HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE

SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN"

[DollyDiaper]

Tee-hee Suns, that brings a whole new meaning to 'getting his pecker out'.

D lly

[shadows]

here one of my favorites a stoner joke lol

ok so a stoner calls up the fire department and tell them his house is on fire and they reply how do we get there and the stoner says duh the big red truck. lmao if any one likes those type of jokes i got tons lol

[Sunshine2585]

Glad you liked it Dolly.

And here's another one.

So a woman observed an old couple at McDonald's. They sat down at a table and the old man carefully unwrapped a cheesburger. With great care, he divided it in half. Next he picked up the fries and carefully divided them into two even piles. The old woman didn't touch any of her half of the food and the woman assumed she was waiting to make sure her husband was full before she took any.

Thinking that they probably couldn't afford lunch for both of them, the woman approached. "Excuse me, but I'd really love to buy you another cheesburger and some fries."

"Thank you," the old man said, "but there's no need. My wife and I share absolutely everything."

"Please, you should both be eating together. It's no trouble."

We couldn't eat together anyway," the old man replied.

"Why?" the woman asked.

"As I said, we share everything. She's waiting for the teeth."

[diaprbayb]

Ok, here's an old one shadows

Girl1: Do you have holes in your underware?

Girl2: No, I do not!

Girl1: How do you get your legs through?

[rusty pins]

Do you know why wetting your pants is hereditory? It runs in your jeans! (genes)

You know what the japaneese word is for dirty diaper? Sakapupi (Sack-of-poopy)

[restlessfox]

shadows let's hear all the stoner jokes you can think of

[rusty pins]

A man went to Chinatown and had himself a Chineese prostitute. A few days later his "tool" began to burn and hurt really bad. Finally the man went to see his doctor. Unfortunatly, the doctor told him there was no choice but to amputate his penis. The man was understandably upset and left the doctor's office. He then got to thinking that if it was some kind of Chineese desiese he had, perhaps he should go see a Chineese doctor. He went to Chinatown and found a Chineese doctor who examined the man. The man said, "I went to my regular doctor and he told me he had to amputate!" The Chineese doctor replied, "The man want to cut you dick off? No need for that!" "Whew", the other man exclaimed, "That's a relief!" The Chineese doctor said, "Yes! Two, maybe 3 day, it fall off by itself!"

[DL-CanesFan]

.... I was in my kitchen cleaning a dish, I heard it, and I came out. You were in your basement? I was in my kitchen cleaning a dish, I heard it, I came out. What shoes? Fuck shoes! Listen to this guy with his shoes....

[DollyDiaper]

Junior had just received his brand new drivers licence. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly qualified driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for seventeen years."

D lly

[Sunshine2585]

That's funny Dolly. I can't say I have ever kicked the seat when I'm in the back of the car though.

[DollyDiaper]

Optimist vs. Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

D lly

[Gennie]

An Irishman lands in Ottawa, and staggers off the airplane. As he's heading out of the concourse, he sees a sign. It reads 'Drink Canada Dry!'

He says to himself 'My God, I might die trying, but I'll go for it!'

Gary

[Gennie]

A hunter in the Southern United States had a heart attack, and no longer could go out. Selling his guns was not an issue, but selling his bird dog was. He had trained the dog. He put an ad in the newspaper, and a fellow came around to inquire after the dog. The old hunter told him he wanted $1,000 for the dog. Needless to say, the new fellow was surprised at the asking price, and wondered why it was so much.

"This hea' dog is special! He's smart! He'll tell you how many ducks are in the pond! I gaaaruntee it! He'll bark once for each duck in the pound!"

So, the man buys the dog, and takes him duck hunting. Sure enough, the dog does exactly what the man said he would. He's never spent a better grand.

About six months later, the fellow meets the old hunter in town, and the old hunter asks how the dog is.

The other fellow lowers his head, and sadly informs him that the dog had gone crazy, and he had to shoot him.

The hunter is devestated. He had put so much training into this dog.

"How did it happen?' the old hunter asks.

"Well, we were out huntin', and he was coming back with accurate counts, and it amazing. We got down to this one pond, and he went on ahead, and came back, and he was barking and barking and barking, and he picked up a stick and was chasing his tail, and waving the stick, and .... well, he just went crazy! I shot him to put him out of his misery."

The old hunter turned a little red, stood up a little straighter, looked up and muttered something under his breath. Then, he looked the other fellar right in the eye and said

"You IDIOT! The dog was trying to tell you there were more ducks than you could shake a stick at!!!"

Gary

[Gennie]

A snail went into a Toyota showroom a few years ago, and slithered up to the saleman.

He said "I want to buy that Supra over there."

The sales man looks down, and there's a snail talking to him.

'Huh?' The salesman was a little worried he was hallucinating again.

"I want to buy the Supra over there, but I want something special before I take delivery."

The salesman runs off to the General Manager's office, and says 'There's a snail out there who wants to buy a Supra!' The General Manager says 'So, sell it to him!'

The salesman and the snail are doing the paperwork, and the snail reminds him he wants 'something special' done to the car. The salesman isn't feeling too great...there's a talking snail, he has tons of cash, and he's afraid of what the snail is going to ask him for.

"Go ahead, what is it you want?" the salesman asks nervously.

"Oh, nothing much, I just a large 'S' painted on the hood and the two doors of the car."

"Is that all?" replied the salesman?

"Yes, that's all." said the snail.

"Okay, you can pick the car up tomorrrow."

The next day, the snail picks up the car, and is flying down the highway at over 100mph.

He passes two hares in a Volkswagon, and one says to the other 'Hey, did you just see the 'S' Car Go?

Gary

[runaway]

(funny poem I found a long time ago... not remembering where at the moment)

Under-Things

She wanted embroidered on her panties and bra

a message that told him that he'd gone too far.

A motif that told him

"If you can read this, You're much too close, so give it a miss."

"Certainly Madom," the saleslady said.

"In what kind of script would you like it read?

Copperplate? San Serif? Bold wouldn't fail."

She thought for a moment and then she said… "Braille."

*** another just for fun ***

Snow White's Secret

She lay there

Her, with the ebony hair

And skin so fair.

She was surrounded by the Seven,

Caught between heaven

And the other place, when,

A sound was heard just then.

'Twas the Charming Prince,

Come to free her from Step Mother's sins!

But wait, something was amiss.

She slept on, even after his kiss,

(Which had weakened countless knees),

And this nagged at his peace.

"Maybe Snow White is..."

The thought set him ill at ease.

To test the sweet mademoiselle,

He sent for Rapunzel

Alas, His fear true fell

She broke Snow White's spell

[diaprbayb]

[babykeiff]

TOP 5 SMART ASS ANSWERS

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

AND NOW FOR THE #1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2004

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[babykeiff]

Apartment for Rent!

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. Therefore, they do. Before he leaves, he tells here that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check

And mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT”.

On the way to the office, he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;

1) It had never been occupied

2) That there was plenty of heat

3) That it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you do not have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady

[babykeiff]

For anyone who has to work with the public. !

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"

Operator: Doesn't the product name give you a clue?

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in France):

"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B'

fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

Computer Capers

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'". Tech

Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realized that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!

[babykeiff]

For all us Catholics...

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"

[Gennie]

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

After I had gotten out of the service, I moved back home, and got a job. Eventually, I bought a 1973 Datsun 240Z (this was like 1979). The car really got up and moved right along, and since I was working second shift, the Connecticut highways back then were a little deserted, I would often let the car cruise at around 90mph. The speed limit was 55mph.

I was on my way home from work one night, and I was cruising about 85-90 mph, four lane highway completely deserted. As I passed an on ramp, there appeared in my rear view mirror a flashing blue light. Connecticut State Trooper. Damn! I was caught, big time. So, I pulled over, and this was in the day and age when the cops didn't pull you out of the car at gunpoint, so I was getting out my registration, insurance, and license.

The trooper walked up, and he wasn't too much older than I was, and I was a smart assed kid at the time.

"May I see your pilot's license, please?" he said to me.

Okay, that's not exactly what you expect to hear from a cop when he pulls you over, but it was laid back, and late, so hey, who knows.

I looked at him for a second, thought about it (but probably not as much as I should have), picked up my wallet, reached in, took it out, and handed it to him.

He looked at my kind of quizzically, and said "What's this?"

"It's my pilot's license, you just asked for it" I replied. "See, it says 'Private Pilot, Single Engine Land' on it."

He stared at it for over 30 seconds, and didn't say a word. Then, he looked at it some more. Finally, he looked at me, handed me back the license, and said "Mr. C........, you're not in an airplane, you're on the ground. The speed limit is 55 mph, please do that. Good morning!" and walked off.

I drove away.

Gary

[diaprbayb]

found this in other forum

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands.

The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!"

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"

[jellymonster]

What Is Politics?:

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

[DollyDiaper]

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Fred.

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Fred.

D lly