Jokes?

[DiaperBigBoy]

Stop me if you heard this one. A Horse walks into a bar, and Bartender says why the long face.

okay, that wasn't that funny, but the next person who types something should. Besides everybody loves an heckler, right?

[diaprbayb]

I am an Atheist because God made me that way.

[babybrian1973]

I'm skitsophrenic...and so am I

diaprbayb, try this one...

guy talks to a preacher and says "I'm an atheist"

the preacher says "really?"

"swear to GOD" lol!

[Repaid1]

Okay it's rather long, but it's one of the few clean ones I know.

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left --your phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

[diaprbayb]

Ok, that was ok.

Now try this

Two farm dogs, bill & pete, are brothers that have lived together on this farm all their life. One day Bill is finally feed up with the fact that pete eats more than his share of the food.

They start fighting. Biting, kicking, rolling around. They roll into the barn. There is an old horse in the barn. He sees them fighting and thinks to himself, "What a shame. These two have lived here all their lives. Sharing the good with the bad. I hate to see them fight this way."

So he yells at them, " Bill, Pete stop fighting." The dogs stop. The horse reminds them that they are brothers that have lived here all their lives, sharing the good with the bad. Please, stop this fight!"

Bill & pete look at each other than the horse. than at each other. Then Bill says " hey , pete. look a talking horse."

[Repaid1]

ahhh yes...

[diapered charles]

Old drunk jokes! yay!

A nun passes a bar on her way to the convent. As she passes by, on old drunk stumbles out. He sees the nun and runs up to her and punches her square in the nose. The blow was more than enough to stun her but she manages to remain standing. Then, the drunk throws a left hook followed by a right uppercut and the nun goes down hard and she is unconscious. The old drunk stands over the nun and say's, " not so tough now are you bat man? "

A young lady is in the grocery line waiting her turn when an old drunk walks up behind her. He looks at the lady and says, " You must be single." Well, the woman looks at her purchase of bacon, orange juice, and eggs. She figured that this was just a normal purchase that could not have given away the fact that she was single. So, curiosity got the better of her and she asked the old drunk, " I am indeed single. How did you know?" The old drunk replied, " because your fucking ugly!"

[tommee]

It a horrible pun, but...

I decorated my front froom the other day for halloween, the curtains the sofa, the carpet, all the soft furnishings. I thought my wife would be pleased, but when she got home, she was angry, there were grim repercussions.

Sorry.

[Repaid1]

Three Girls walk into a bar, a brunette, redhed and a blonde.

The bartender ask what'ell be ladys?

The brunette says I'll have a "BL"

The bartender says what?? The Blonde goes DUH!!!!! a Bud Light.

The Redhead says I'll have a "ML"

The bartender says what?? The Blonde goes DUH!!!!! a Miller Light.

Finally the Blonde says give me a "15"

The Bartender looks at her for a second, turns and pours her a drink, sets it in front of her, and says "There ya go Eienstien....A 7 & 7. Drink up!"

[Necare]

Old drunk jokes! yay!

A nun passes a bar on her way to the convent. As she passes by, on old drunk stumbles out. He sees the nun and runs up to her and punches her square in the nose. The blow was more than enough to stun her but she manages to remain standing. Then, the drunk throws a left hook followed by a right uppercut and the nun goes down hard and she is unconscious. The old drunk stands over the nun and say's, " not so tough now are you bat man? "

A young lady is in the grocery line waiting her turn when an old drunk walks up behind her. He looks at the lady and says, " You must be single." Well, the woman looks at her purchase of bacon, orange juice, and eggs. She figured that this was just a normal purchase that could not have given away the fact that she was single. So, curiosity got the better of her and she asked the old drunk, " I am indeed single. How did you know?" The old drunk replied, " because your fucking ugly!"

Both jokes were brilliant, but I especially enjoyed the first one! Hilarious! I`m not too good on remembering jokes myself though, but maybe I`ll remember one sooner or later.....

[Veritas21C]

Did you hear about the scarecrow who was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?

He was outstanding in his field.

[diapered charles]

Did you hear about the scarecrow who was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?

He was outstanding in his field.

That was great. I love the short one's. here's one for ya. Did you hear about the man who got herpes in his eye?

He was looking for love in all the wrong places!

[RUdiapers]

there's an island of chickens, an island of cats, and an island of worms. the island of cats sinks and the island of chickens eats the island of worms. what do you get?

a satisfied cock and a wet pussy.

[Frink]

three kings in a bathtub.

Says one king to the other, "pass the soap."

Says the second king, "I cannot"

"I prithee, tell me why not?", says king 1

Says the third: "His hand is caught in the radio."

It makes more sense when read in the original Klingon, I fear.

[Veritas21C]

A Jelly Baby goes into a doctor's surgery one day and say's 'Doctor! Doctor! I think I've got AIDS!'

The doctor looks at him and says 'You can't have AIDS, your only a little Jelly Baby.'

To which the Jelly Baby replies 'I know! But I've been shagging All Sorts!'

[Sunshine2585]

Veritas21C, that was a funny joke, and weirdly I happened to read it out to my brother whilst he was eating a bag of jelly babies.

[DollyDiaper]

This is a shaggy-dog story, so I'll give it a trim:-

A duck went into a bar and asked for a bunch of grapes.

The barman said "I'm sorry, we don't sell grapes" and the duck turned around and walked out.

The duck returned the next day, walked up to the bar and asked the barman for a bunch of grapes. The barman was getting quite cross by now and replied -

"Look, I told you yesterday, this is a bar - we don't sell grapes!" The duck turned around and walked out.

The duck returned again the following day and asked for a bunch of grapes. The barman losing his patience at this point shouted -

"Next time you ask me for a bunch of grapes, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!!!

The duck then asked him "Got any nails?" and the barman screamed at him -

"No! How many times do I have to tell you, this is a bar!"

The duck asked "Got any grapes then?"

It's a bit silly I know and I'm not sure if it translates well into text but I fell about larfing when a friend told me this joke. Maybe it's the way he tells them!

D lly

[Chloe]

This one of my fav blond jokes :-

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more."I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!" "But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her. "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant" Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container -

" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM "

[daclosetdl]

WEll I live near a army base so this one works. Just go up to someone and ask if they heard about the big accident out by the base with a concerned look on your face. When they respond no go ya guess a jeep hit a popcorn truck and two colonelswere killed

[Sunshine2585]

What's the difference between Roast Chicken and Pea Soup?

Anyone can roast a chicken.

[diaperwerx]

Okay so I have one blond joke...

911 Dispatcher: Yes, can I help you?

Blonde: Hello? Uh, my house is on fire! Can you help me?

911 Dispatcher: Sure, I'll page the fire department. Just tell me how they can get there.

Blonde: Duh!! Big Red Truck!

Now i'm thinking i'm in trouble next time I'm in chat...

-dw

[Chloe]

Hope you like ::

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory

and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. "

[Veritas21C]

Nursery Rhymes for adults... Rude words ahead

Mary had a little skirt

With splits right up the sides

And everywhere that mary walk

The boys could see he thighs

Mary had another skirt

T'was split right up the front

...but she didn't wear that one often

Mary had a little lamb

Her father shot it dead

Now it goes to school with her

Between two chunks of bread

Little miss Muffet sat on a tuffet

Her clothes all tattered and torn

It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her

It was little boy blue and his horn

Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair

Said Simple Simon to the pieman

What have youu got there?

Said the pieman unto simon

Pies you dickhead

Mary had a little lamb

It ran into a pylon

10,000 volts went up its arse

And turned its wool to nylon

Georgie porgie pudding and pie

Kissed the girls and made them cry

When the boys came out to play

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

To have a little fun

Jill the dill

Forgot her pill

And now they have a son

[Saluthyus]

In a small town there was a small monestary. At this monestary there were three monks. They had served the community for a long time, but due to a new church closer to the town they were losing worshipers. The loss of worshipers was having a very bad effect on the monestary's money. One day the monks decided that they had to do something to make some money. One of them suggested they open a flower shop since the one in town had suddenly gone sky high on their prices. The monks decided that this was a good idea and they opened up a small flower shop outside the monestary.

The owner of the shop in town found out about this small shop and paid a visit up to the monestary. He asked the monks to please close the flower shop that they were taking all his business because they were undercutting his prices. The monks thought about it but decided to stay open and told the owner of the shop they were sorry.

The next day the owner sent his mother up to the monestary to talk to the monks. She told them that she was sick and the owner had been paying for her care with the money he was making at the shop. The monks told her that they were sorry she was sick, but they just couldn't close the shop. She went back home with the bad news

The next day the owner of the flower shop sent his friend Hugh McTaggart up to talk to the monks. Now Hugh was a BIG man, and he told the monks that if they didn't close their shop he would dash their heads on the rocks outside. This convinced the monks to close up their little shop and think of something else to make money.

This only goes to show that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

[DollyDiaper]

Nice one Saluthyus! I enjoy wordplay like that.

D lly