On Why Dominants Don't Want Abs........

[Topguy]

I hear many ab's expressing over and over again,how hard it is to find a Daddy/Mommy.......

And how many were disgruntled by the D/s scenes where they lived........and felt rejected. In light of this, I thought I would Explain the differences in the dynamics Between Dominants-and those who enjoy more of a caretaker dynamic.

It really comes down to the issue of maintanence. I have had some lovely ab girls approach me in the past-but I realized that thier kink was so narrowly focused, that I would never be happy with them.

You see,in Domination and submission,the dominant does invest a lot of time and energy into a submissive...but they expect a payout in service, to balance that. So it pretty much equals out.

An infants world is egocentric-everything revolves around the baby-and they are too small to be more than dependent. It's still a D/s dynamic-the parent being very much in control.......but the maintanence is skewed far out of balance.

So when you view an AB dynamic,the Dominant in that situation has to get thier payback in being very much the caretaker.......and not a lot of people are selfless enough to go there,long term.

So I have one word of advice to you babies-seeking...Be willing to grow up, and offer more than work to those potential daddies and mommies out there......

If it's always all about you-it's going to stay that way.

[prob4711]

I must say that i totally agree with you top guy. It has to balance out 50/50 or this kind of relationship will just not work. My husband is AB and even before i knew about his little fetish i was always the more dominant one. Now that i induldge his fantasy on a regular basis i do expect that little bit more back from him. I have made it clear that there has to be a clear line between his ab side and his grown up side as although i have accepted the ab in him, i married him to be my husband and take care of me. I am willing to role play mummy/baby with him but when it's grown up time i expect him to put in extra effort to pay me back. At the moment it is working, i have had a few grumbles put if i am putting in 101% then he must as well or why am i going to bother!

[DIAPERPHANTOM]

Hi Topguy, I've enjoyed reading a lot of your post/replies. Nice to have you on the boards!

I've often thought about addressing this issue. Your post offers up a very good explanation and it makes a lot of sense to me. The incentive to be a mommy or daddy is just not there. Though a mommy may instinctively enjoy expressing her natural nurturing ability, it's still a chore to take care of a baby/toddler. To expect them to be that self-sacrificing is just not fair and very selfish; they have many other needs that have to be met as well. However, the true nature of a baby is to be selfish, so maybe that's why it's so hard for us to see past our own needs.

[Saladin1976]

Nice analysis - that makes a lot of sense.

[lil_kitty]

i agree, there has to be a balance, just like all healthy relationships. there'd be alot of bitterness on one side if they focused all their efforts onto their partner and got nothing in return.

[jenniebear]

Awesome post TopGuy...

I enjoy discussion on this topic very much. i am an ab but also slave to my Daddy. He was Dominant but not even ab/dl aware when He met me...nor had He heard the term Daddy Dom.

While i feel there are many similarities between a submissive and an ab...technically most ab's i've seen are as You've said egocentric. In some ways this egocentrism could be seen as a way to "Top" from the "bottom". (Dominants are also known as "Tops" and submissives are known as "bottoms"...Topping from the bottom would be a submissive who is doing the controlling of the Dominant)

Of course slaves and submissives enjoy being the center of their Dominants attention also...but their pleasure more derives from "pleasing" the Dominant rather then the Dominant "pleasing" them.

There are different styles of Dominants out there...some they have actually classified. One of these styles of Domination is calld "Daddy Domination". A Daddy Dom is more of a nurturing type of Dom...I've found this type of Dom to be more into the "guiding and teaching" aspect of the Dominant's role. This is the type of Dom I have always sought out. He is more apt to fit my personal needs.

My own Dom probably would not call Himself a Daddy Dom, but He has many of the same qualities, plus He has an extremely open mind...and loves pleasuring His slave/baby...it's something He finds gratifying. Plus if He pleasures me by diapering me or changing me....He reaps the benefits of how these activities affect me.

I'd love more conversation around this topic...and here is a website I'd like to share on "age-play"...it is not necessarily focused on ab's...but rather a girl who enjoys roleplaying different ages, including some younger ages as well.

http://www.mybdsm.com/pages/Vamp/intro.html

Also this next link to a Daddy Dom's own definition of what it is to be "Daddy Dom"... it's been around a while... but incase you haven't seen it...it isn't too long and it's very interesting....

http://www.subspace.cc/daddydoms.htm

[ABDLincontlady]

I agree. I was PMing last night trying to get into a dominant situation and he acted out AB with me so I had to do a lot more work if you will to interact with him. I was annoyed.

A submissive does want to take the lead from the dom but wants to please him/her and get the job done whatever it is not be a pain in the ....

[Topguy]

Well jennie, it is pretty much controlling the Top to have to take care of an adult in a regressive state.

And anyone with common sense knows that a Dominant despises being controlled. One young ab lady,in her first letter, stated that she wanted to play baby every day..........My immediate reaction was "No effing way honey-I don't need to be a babie's slave!

Now if she had been bright enough to mention other things she had to offer, in an ADULT fashion-and showed a reasonable willingness to compromise and care about MY needs as well-things may have worked out differently.......As it was, I only saw someone selfish, who wanted to use me to fullfill a fantasy........

I have a nurturing side as well-but it's balanced with the expectation that the sub use it to do something positive, to move forward with her personal growth....not stay stuck in infancy.........

And become a black hole that only exists to suck me dry.

But on the brighter side,I have a few words of advice and encouragement for the ab's reading this.

Never ever approach a potential dominant in baby mode. Always put your adult side forward first......

Consider what you are REALLY asking-try to have some empathy for what a Mom or Dad is going to put up with to make you happy..........and figure out if YOU really want to meet them fifty fifty in meeting THIER needs as well.

And if you say no to any of the above-I wish you luck-no one wants to get involved in a parasitic relationship-where they are the host.

[Pipsqueak]

Excellent topic for discussion, Topguy! I think a lot of AB's, forget that the Mommy/Daddy figure must get as much from the relationship as the AB does, or it won't last. I'm always amazed at some of the personal ads I see stating that the AB wants someone to treat them like a baby 24/7 and change wet and soiled diapers etc., etc. These same people are always completely bummed out (no pun intended) when they get no responses to their ads, when it's really quite clear that - just like a real baby - they want someone to do everything for them and give nothing in return. Relationships, of any kind, don't work that way.

[Topguy]

Excellent topic for discussion, Topguy! I think a lot of AB's, forget that the Mommy/Daddy figure must get as much from the relationship as the AB does, or it won't last. I'm always amazed at some of the personal ads I see stating that the AB wants someone to treat them like a baby 24/7 and change wet and soiled diapers etc., etc. These same people are always completely bummed out (no pun intended) when they get no responses to their ads, when it's really quite clear that - just like a real baby - they want someone to do everything for them and give nothing in return. Relationships, of any kind, don't work that way.

Exactly pipsqueak........but parents make that investment in a baby willingly- knowing it will grow up. It's never for more than a few years.......Can you imagine taking on a person like that for the rest of your LIFE?

What a nauseating concept!

[abdljoey]

Thanks for the enlightening views on this. As someone with no BDSM background at all, I found it informative and helpful.

[ABDLincontlady]

This was good for me to read to really understand where I fit into all this. I know that when I am at home into my heavier diaper wearing phase tired and into a period of my life full of changes and come to this website, I want to be an AB sucking on a pacifier. However, I wouldn't want to be an AB with another person having them change me, but a sub adult, being put into diapers as a way to obey the D. If the D wants to make my changes easier taping on my diapers I would be grateful, as it is easier to get them to fit better. But to an adult or toddler that I am as an AB, it is humiliating actually.

[Topguy]

This was good for me to read to really understand where I fit into all this. I know that when I am at home into my heavier diaper wearing phase tired and into a period of my life full of changes and come to this website, I want to be an AB sucking on a pacifier. However, I wouldn't want to be an AB with another person having them change me, but a sub adult, being put into diapers as a way to obey the D. If the D wants to make my changes easier taping on my diapers I would be grateful, as it is easier to get them to fit better. But to an adult or toddler that I am as an AB, it is humiliating actually.

I don't mind an ocasional session of catering to an ab side-just being with a person who is obssessed by it.

As far as humiliation? That's always in the mind of the beholder.

[Kanji]

Also a side note, Doms don't tend to cater to the security aspect of a relationship (At least Doms I've met haven't.) Sure most are interested in settling down with one sub, but for the most part they aren't looking for a sub that depends on them for everything every waking moment. Its an interesting balance, but a self suffient sub is usually a popular sub by most accounts.

Its not really bad that people focus on one aspect etither, not everyone is flexible. The problem with the AB community though is that we're not orgainized, this is probably due to the fact that the outcrying voices in the community can't even pronounce their words correctly and constantly drool on themselves. We may seem overly saturated by babies, but thats only because Daddies and Mommies have no point a referance, no 'What do we get out of this?' clause where as D/s has very romantic appeal for both sides.

Hah! Rambling... Man I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

[Topguy]

Also a side note, Doms don't tend to cater to the security aspect of a relationship (At least Doms I've met haven't.) Sure most are interested in settling down with one sub, but for the most part they aren't looking for a sub that depends on them for everything every waking moment. Its an interesting balance, but a self suffient sub is usually a popular sub by most accounts.

Its not really bad that people focus on one aspect etither, not everyone is flexible. The problem with the AB community though is that we're not orgainized, this is probably due to the fact that the outcrying voices in the community can't even pronounce their words correctly and constantly drool on themselves. We may seem overly saturated by babies, but thats only because Daddies and Mommies have no point a referance, no 'What do we get out of this?' clause where as D/s has very romantic appeal for both sides.

Hah! Rambling... Man I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

Well it's pretty hard to get involved with someone so stubborn about thier "kink" that they won't even talk straight. At least grow up long enough to be related to.........

[ABDLincontlady]

I can see the difference. Being an AB is just about pleasing oneself. Being kept in diapers by a Dom is pleasing him/her and pleasing oneself because he/she is pleased and happy. It's not the same thing at all.

AB's get discplined just because the Daddy/Mommy is fed up by or doesn't want them to get harmed by behavior the Daddy/Mommy can't control. Subs design their whole life to being in a highly discplined situation wanting to be under the Dom's control.

[Topguy]

I can see the difference. Being an AB is just about pleasing oneself. Being kept in diapers by a Dom is pleasing him/her and pleasing oneself because he/she is pleased and happy. It's not the same thing at all.

AB's get discplined just because the Daddy/Mommy is fed up by or doesn't want them to get harmed by behavior the Daddy/Mommy can't control. Subs design their whole life to being in a highly discplined situation wanting to be under the Dom's control.

And in fact, most submissives who behaved like AB's around a Dominant would be immediately dismissed as useless.

D/s partners need to be equals in competence,unequal in authority.

[ABDLincontlady]

Well, I don't know what you expect to find here as an AB makes a lousy sub as I found from my own experience and a DL wouldn't need to be forced into diapers as a domination tool as she would like to wear them anyway.

[Topguy]

Well, I don't know what you expect to find here as an AB makes a lousy sub as I found from my own experience and a DL wouldn't need to be forced into diapers as a domination tool as she would like to wear them anyway.

There are plenty of dls here as well, AB...........one has simply to be patient.

And role playng is fun-but I prefer someone who already has this as a kink. That way, there is never any overt resentment to being 'forced".....There is a huge difference in diapering oneself,and having another control how that happens,and when.

[ABDLincontlady]

Interesting discussion finding out about these ideas as I go about exploring myself and my diaper wearing tendencies further now I am back into one of those periods when I can't take off a diaper although I got about my other business as planned or stay away from this site.

Good luck to you!

[Pipsqueak]

I think that those of us who are AB's need to be mature (yes, I know that sounds like a contradiction ) about our adult relationships. Good relationships involve give and take. I think it's okay to ask for some baby "play time" with your lover for a couple hours here and there, or whatever the two of you decide is a reasonable amount of time, as long as you're willing to indulge that person's important desires as well. And if you really love the other person why wouldn't you want to do something for them that makes them happy? As long as neither of you are freaked out by the other one's wishes, it shouldn't be a problem. It's a question of balance. You indulge me and I'll indulge you.

[Topguy]

Precisely pipsqueak.

And it is those who are mature enough to achive that balance with a partner, who find sustainable relationships....

While those who do not, spend the rest of thier lives playing baby solo.

[Poppy]

Having seen two professional mistresses who dealt with abs but weren't specifically set up as ab nannies I can say from personal experience that from a commercial bdsm sense these ladies both seemed to enjoy ab play as it gave them an opportunity to steer away from the cliched hard bitch image. In both cases and especially the second the sessions were a real laugh for both parties. I think its important for any one with this fetish to accept that you are an adult who enjoys wearing diapers and/or playing baby. You are not a real child. I'm speaking from personal experience here as somebody who went into counselling because of this. I did have that fixation on finding a mummy figure but learnt in therapy that what I was failing to do was look after myself. I have a tendency to be a very caring person for other people and to be very punishing towards myself which culminated in long periods of self harming and depression. The way I dealt with this was to take responsibility for my inner child ( not Poppy as I am here but somebody seperate ) and to stop passing this responsibility onto a mythical perfect mother figure. The ironic thing here is that by stopping this pointless search I was able to enjoy my fetish more. It doesn't mean I can't roleplay as that naughty 2 year old girl who has been caught by her strict Nanny but it has taught me that playing with it as a fantasy is a lot more fun than wanting it as a 24/7 lifestyle. Thats my experience and I realise others are different but there ya go.

[jenniebear]

Topguy is right about ab's not being accepted by a Dominant if they act in that demanding... infantile way that we are so famous for...in my experience Dominants desire a well behaved partner that they can groom and develop rather then someone who acts like a spoiled brat....they are not going to do battle...they expect obedience to be given not won.......my Daddy would never accept behavior that was anything less then my very best.......

i am slave as opposed to submissive to my Daddy/Master... and yes...there is a difference...though it could probably be defined differently by everyone who has an opinion...my definition of slave would be that is a 24/7 committment and total submission in all things to my Master...it is sometimes a difficult lifestyle choice but the rewards W/we feel far outweigh the challenges that sometimes make U/us "groan"

When W/we met and and "designed" our relationship parameters so to speak (bdsm'ers often draw up contracts which are signed by both parties.) W/we agreed that Daddy may never punish me by taking away my blankie, my plushie (tallie) or refusing me the privilege to wear diapers to bed. I don't actually wear that often...but the option is always mine though i have to ask permission to wear or change or remove my diaper always.

What Daddy does do though is reward me with diaper play...if i am a good girl (well behaved slave)...Daddy spoils me....if i desire it....He indulges my baby side....dressing me...bathing me....diapering me....basically pampering his babygirl till she purrrs.....

I try to respect His desires too....if it's saturday and the day is a beautiful one.....if i am to receive the privilege of choosing O/our activity for the day....i'm going to choose something that W/we both find a treat but i might choose to do that activity in a diaper...or save the diaper time for later when W/we return home....

[Topguy]

The way I dealt with this was to take responsibility for my inner child ( not Poppy as I am here but somebody seperate ) and to stop passing this responsibility onto a mythical perfect mother figure. The ironic thing here is that by stopping this pointless search I was able to enjoy my fetish more.

This is the healthy way to pursue this,kudos to you guy.

Topguy is right about ab's not being accepted by a Dominant if they act in that demanding... infantile way that we are so famous for...in my experience Dominants desire a well behaved partner that they can groom and develop rather then someone who acts like a spoiled brat....they are not going to do battle...they expect obedience to be given not won.......my Daddy would never accept behavior that was anything less then my very best.......

This is why he indulges, you of course. You have both worked out a balance that works very well.