Unusual Thoughts

[will_k2]

Ok, so, we all know about those feelings of shame that drive some of us to suppress our feelings until they explode out of control, and we cycle back again. Well, i've been a DL for 10 years now, and i thought i had my problems under control. up till 3 years ago, i used to throw away alot of my DL/AB stuff when i feel bad, then want it again. With some of the help of people on this forum, i dealt with that on my own and got rid of it. This time last year however, i started to think to myself, what i die today, i consider myself to be a great person, a people pleaser, but what if all i left behind were the "toys" straight guys shouldn't have, (not gay but do that), and diapers, and baby clothes, women tights and leggings. I would certainly hate to think of that if let's say a close family member dies and i had to go through his stuff.

So, a year ago, yep, you guessed it, got rid of everything. I also met a splendid girl, and although i've thought about marriage with the previous 3, this one is a keeper, but thats what i always say. I've spoken to her about a "feeling" that i have, that made me feel different and was partially the reason i was more mature, in one way or another, at an early age. she really wants to know what that "feeling" is, but not yet, not for a long time. I love her way too much to ever risk having her look at me in any different way than i do right now.

im sorry for rambling, i need to talk to someone about this, and this is the only place thats AB/DL and humane online. Bottom line is, she graduated and im left here alone, and the more time i spend alone, the more i think of this side of me. Also, over the last year, the only times ive acted upon this were by force, to try and remind myself that i used to like this, i grew out of it, or so i thought. but now the feelings are back again, and i don't know what to do. So tempted to order the things i like again. Also, the same way people relate scents to certain memories, i relate certain diaper experiences to certain days in the past that i want to relive, it makes me feel great. Im young but already miss 2-3 years ago, they are years that i know i will never get back. Give me some advice

again, sorry for rambling

best

[Craisler]

You've got a problem. I can relate to everything you say having done a lot of that myself.

Have you analyzed why you're a DL? Once you understand where the feeling comes from, maybe you can control it.

One thing that helped me, to some extent, was to write the story of how I became a DL (see the thread "The Training of a Diaper Lover"). Basically, I tried to understand myself and why I felt the way I did and did the things I did; in other words, self-psychoanalysis.

Once you understand why, then maybe you will gain control of your DL activities. Otherwise, I don't see how you can avoid telling your girl friend about that side of yourself. If you do marry her, she will eventually find out and you may have major problems when she does.

[JustJoe]

I've also had the same thought as you. 'What if I die, is this how I would like to be remembered?' sort of thing. Which sort of scared me off hanging onto my ABDL things. Though I will confess I do still feel that urge to buy nappies and things again. I'm not sure it's something that can be shaken off, but it can be resisted.

I find that roleplaying with other AB/DLs in the forums can be a good way to appease some of those feelings, without the physical paraphanalia, however if also found it can become quite addictive and time consuming.

As for what to say or not to say to your girlfriend I'm afraid I can't offer any advice on that. Best wishes though.

[Pangaea]

Ahhh the good old "what if I die tomorrow?" thought. I've been there, too, but let's look at it objectively. Let's say you were to die tomorrow and somebody found out. So? What do you expect them to do, come to heaven and laugh in your face? Will you look down on the world and be ashamed of that? Okay, maybe your mom will think less of you if she finds out what you were into, and maybe she will wonder how her son could ever have been into that. Let's see, a mom, probably crying her tears out for just losing a son, going through his closet, pulling out a diaper or panties or whatever. Do you really think she would consider for a moment to think a negative thought about someone she loved so much and just lost?

In fact, most people probably won't think less of you. See, there may be quite a few horror stories about how people reacted terrible to being told such things. Mariages have broken up, great lovers who never see each other after that dreaded conversation. It happens, unfortunately. And while they seem common on the internet, you should realize that that is mostly because it is simply a subject that people will want to post on forums. Few people will write "I just told my gf and now she hates me" a lot more often than "I just told a friend and they didn't hate me for it!" Simply because they need more emotional support after the former.

How your girlfriend will react I can't say, obviously. It depends on your girlfriend. I find that you can usually tell, as they are generally open minded about either everything or nothing. If she is open minded about other things, you've got a good shot at her accepting it.

I do believe this is something that is better discussed early in a relationship, though. It would mitigate the pain if she completely refuses to accept it, from both parties. She may even feel betrayed about you not telling her for such a long time. And if you do tell her, who knows, she might even diaper you and treat you like a baby.

Delaying telling her only postpones the problem to some near future. Unless you will never come clean, of course, in which case you will never have to face the problem, but it sounds like a terrible life to live to me.

I, too, used to loathe myself over my ABDL tendencies. I'm still careful about it, but I've told a few people, and all of them were very accepting. And telling a person more, to me, relieves a good amount of weight off of my shoulders.

My advice: tell her. You may regret it, but if so, you would have regretted it even more in the future.

[rusty pins]

I've thought of it too. It's especially hard to think of how you will be remembered if your somewhat of a macho personality. Here people have thought of you as kind of a dominant maco guy, then when you die they find all your diapers and baby stuff. Yes, those that find out would not have believed it and will most likely talk about it for a while.

On the other hand, there are a lot of kinks and fetishes around! Bondage, foot fetishes, water sports and who knows just how many other kinks. Yeah, people will be surprised to find out and I personally wouldn't want them too (but they will if I die unexpectedly), but maybe if I'm dead I will be able to look down on them in their private moments and say, "Ah! You laughed at me for my fetish, but look what you are doing in the privacy of your own bedroom!"

[lilJester]

What if I die today. well, I would be dead, so I don't think I would care much.

[Pangaea]

I've thought of it too. It's especially hard to think of how you will be remembered if your somewhat of a macho personality. Here people have thought of you as kind of a dominant maco guy, then when you die they find all your diapers and baby stuff. Yes, those that find out would not have believed it and will most likely talk about it for a while.

Do you really think that your mother (or whoever) who cleans out your room and finds out your secrets will tell anybody? And then laugh about it? Remember, her son (or whatever relationship) has just died. The impact of finding the diapers will be nothing compared to the impact of you dying.

As I said, I've thought the same things, but it's really, really something you should get over, in my opinion.

Are you religious? Do you believe in an afterlife in which you will even care about such a thing? Or do you believe you simply seize to exist in which case... who cares what they think about you, you will never know, you'll never even know you died.

[will_k2]

I think most of you missed the point. I believe in afterlife, but i don't think i will care what people will think of me when i die, however, i love my family soo much, i wouldn't want to even subject them to something like this. I know it wont matter to them because they love me, the idea that this thought would exist though is what i'm worried about. Regardless, my mom found my stash when she was visiting me from back home, i was in classes and she opened a large box in my room, thinking thats where i kept bed sheets cause she had washed them, but she found my diapers. She asked me later that day, i found diapers and couldn't stop thinking what they were for, i replied by saying mom please don't ask, and she was like ok. Never spoke to her about it again and she loves more and more everyday. Im pretty sure she ran into some stuff in the past 2 when i was 13-14, and realized this is not something unusual but a part of me that i've had for very long, its the other stuff i worry about, the clothing is very hard to explain.

like i said, im a people pleaser. Regarding my girlfriend, i can never picture her being into diapers, although i would have loved to have a gf that is into it, but i love this girl for who she is, and i cant see myself ever making her try it. For someone that doesnt know this world exists, it would be heelllaaaa tough to justify it, let alone do it themselves. and i would never want her to look at me in a weird disgusted face. You r right though, in the sense that if we get married and live together, could be horrible for me. I need those 2-3 days sometimes a week away from the world spending time alone with diapers every now and then, and not having the privacy is a horrifying though !

[Bettypooh]

What if I die today. well, I would be dead, so I don't think I would care much.

I like this My current but old will contains some special instructions so that one particular family member is to perform some 'private cleaning' before any other family members can access my home. Not that I really care anymore, but I once did At this point in my life I doubt I could surprise anyone with anything, and my family knows that if you don't want to see then you'd better not look They know me well enough to send someone ahead anyway to take care of things they know about even if I didn't ask for that

If this really bugs you, either keep everything in rented storage where it will disappear on non-payment or arrange for someone you trust to look for instructions hidden in your home somewhere that nobody will find them as soon as you're gone. A small page can be well-hidden in a zillion places where only someone who knew would where to look would find them

Bettypooh

[lilJester]

I don't have a will, just a card with an address to ship my body to. No, seriously..... in my wallet is a card stating "please ship remains to this address ASAP", it's for bodyworlds.

[pampers212]

she really wants to know what that "feeling" is, but not yet, not for a long time. I love her way too much to ever risk having her look at me in any different way than i do right now.

My advice to you is to tell her and then find out how she will react to this. Hiding your truth in fear of how others will treat you is a life of hell. Believe me, I lived it. After 28 years of pretending to be religious, I finally told my family that I hated religion right form the start, and that I pretended out of fear of how they would treat me. I lived with a measure of misery most of my life because I was afraid to stand up for myself and say "this is me, like it or not." (Tact is good, though.)

[DavidMW]

Ahhh the good old "what if I die tomorrow?" thought.

Suppose you have a brother named Fred. Keep your stuff in in a box. Use a magic marker and write on the side of the box "Fred's stuff - DO NOT OPEN!!!". When you're not using your stuff, put it in the box and tape the box closed.

Then if you "die tomorrow", and someone finds the stash, Fred may have some explaining to do, but you'll be respected for keeping his secret. And he'll only get so far blaming someone who's no longer here to defend himself.

Of course, if you die while using the stuff and they find an open box next to you that says "Fred's stuff - DO NOT OPEN!!!", all bets are off.

[will_k2]

UPDATTEESSS ON ME

so like i said, my girlfriend knows about a "thing" and she never forces guessing what it is. But the most unusual thing happened, the hairs on the back my neck were | | | | | . The last time we spoke about my "thing" i told her that it comes and goes, usually when i have alot of time to myself, i do it more, but its been real slow for the past year, maybe thanks to you. so thats the last time we spoke about the topic

I was visiting her for the weekend, (nearby state) and on the last day, i had to get up super early to get the 10am bus, so she went back to sleep immediately.

as soon as arrive, she calls me to say the following,

her: "babe you don't understand, i had the weirdest dream last night. First of all is your thing happening again?"

me: "no" <-- lies

her: "well i dreamt for some reason about your thing, and it was the fact that you liked to suck on pacifiers, but i wasn't phased at all by it, and infact i went and bought you one but you were uncomfortable"

me: "huh, that's funny" ....... and that was it

IM FREAKING OUT .. could life unfold this way on it's own? did she find out? (almost impossible). Is that her "thing"? also what if i tell her your close? donnu what to do tbh, i guess its a good sign that she wouldn't mind a pacifier huh.

felt like sharing this

[musicaddict]

UPDATTEESSS ON ME

so like i said, my girlfriend knows about a "thing" and she never forces guessing what it is. But the most unusual thing happened, the hairs on the back my neck were | | | | | . The last time we spoke about my "thing" i told her that it comes and goes, usually when i have alot of time to myself, i do it more, but its been real slow for the past year, maybe thanks to you. so thats the last time we spoke about the topic

I was visiting her for the weekend, (nearby state) and on the last day, i had to get up super early to get the 10am bus, so she went back to sleep immediately.

as soon as arrive, she calls me to say the following,

her: "babe you don't understand, i had the weirdest dream last night. First of all is your thing happening again?"

me: "no" <-- lies

her: "well i dreamt for some reason about your thing, and it was the fact that you liked to suck on pacifiers, but i wasn't phased at all by it, and infact i went and bought you one but you were uncomfortable"

me: "huh, that's funny" ....... and that was it

IM FREAKING OUT .. could life unfold this way on it's own? did she find out? (almost impossible). Is that her "thing"? also what if i tell her your close? donnu what to do tbh, i guess its a good sign that she wouldn't mind a pacifier huh.

felt like sharing this

I have no relationship experience - keep this in mind and take what I say with the recommended size grain of salt. That sounds like something I would do if I were either:

A. trying to feel someone out for a fetish. People have crazt dreams all the time and if they reacted negatively then I could easily write it off.

or

B. I guessed or found out they were into something and am trying to gently coax them out of the, in your case, diaper-closet.