A New Mystery Chapter 2 Up

[diaper24/7]

Here my first story I don't know if this kind story been done but hoping like it, I know it short but I wanted to see what all you think before I went forward more with it.

A new mystery chapter 1.

Jennifer Thompson was one of them ordinary girls. She loved playing soccer hang with her friends and go to Mall on the weekends, but she had a very dark secret that nobody knew about. She was a bed wetter. She keeps it from her mom for the past few years since the divorce with her father.

One night Jennifer was hanging on her computer talking to her friend Samantha Stevens, instant messaging back and forth on her HP laptop from Christmas. All of sudden she heard her mother yelled from downstairs Jennifer can you please come down here. I need to talk to you for a minute Jennifer yells back I'll be right there. Mom I just got to get off with Samantha. I'll be down in the second Jennifer and hears her mother yelled up the stairs okay, please hurry. I have to talk to you. Jennifer type Samantha back sorry I got ago my mother wants me TTYL and type Goodbye.

Jennifer runs down the stairs. Yes mom what do you need. I just got a call from your father. He wants you to come spend the summer with him, and Caroline. Mom does I have to. I mean Samantha, and I had some plans this summer. We were thinking of going up to their cabin in the Adirondacks Mountains we've been talking weeks about it. Remember I told you mom, I know but your father. He wants to spend time with you. I know it's not been easy with you, since we divorced, but he stills your father. He wanted you to come see him for the summer. I don't think it's going to hurt you to go see him.

After we talked, I went up to my room and started packing my things for tomorrow. I hurried as quickly as I can but take what I needed. So I could watch my favorite episode of sex and the city tonight after I finish, I sat and watch my show and eating my dinner while thinking about the summer with my father. I like my father but not Caroline she's always got an attitude and an evil grin on her face like you're her next victim with me but where she lives. She could be a which you see my father and my stepmother live in Salem, Massachusetts you know where the witch trials happened there not too far down the street from the small little village that all this strange thing happened with those women.

If you like this I'll continue with this.

[pepjoe1]

yes please do go on

[junyour]

It's a start, but too short to form an opinion. It looks good, though. Please continue.

[spectrumshade]

It is a very solid start to continue more off of but I'd have to agree with junyour on the fact that it's a little too short to form an effective opinion about it.

[Rockies Fan in Diapers]

I do like it, but as others have said, it is too short to form a true opinion on, but I do like it, so please do continue,

Rockies Fan. Go Rockies in 2011!

[Total Trash]

I realize that the omission of quotations and paragraph breaks from the dialogue probably wasn't a conscious stylistic decision, but for me it invoked a very specific tone. In this case the rapidfire, multi-tasking manner of speaking typically associated with teen girls. I only bring it up because someone or other will no doubt jump down your throat about improper punctuation at some point, but to be honest right now I find it the most interesting thing your story's got going for it.

[Fulldiaper]

Umm, errrr nevermind

[bobarka]

This isn't apart of grammar, but you switch between 1st and 3rd person.

[WriteAndLeft]

This was what was trying for Third person omniscien but maybe got it wrong found site give example.

view point examples

You got to pick a point of view. First or Third. Pick one and only one. Don't do third person omniscient on your first story. It is extremely hard to do omniscient well. Do first person or third person selective. You switched from third person to first person. Please don't do that.

You also changed tense. You started in present tense, a tense I hate. Most stories are written in past tense. Verbs use the -ed ending in past tense. You also switched to past tense when you switched to first person.

I also like quotation marks and capitalization. It makes it easier to read.

I am not trying to be mean, I am trying to help. I've written hundreds of thousands of words of fiction and I am not yet a very good writer. However a story chapter should contain at least one thousand words. Two thousand would be better. Keep practicing though. The only way you can become a better writer is to write.

[WriteAndLeft]

Also, try to show more instead of tell. I rewrote your story and will send what I wrote to you in a private message to illustrate how it is done. I am sending it to you privately. Expand on it and have fun.

[diaper24/7]

A new mystery chapter 1.

Jennifer Thompson was one of them ordinary girls. She loved playing soccer hang with her friends and go to Mall on the weekends, but she had a very dark secret that nobody knew about. She was a bed wetter. She keeps it from her mom for the few months and keep it from her mother .

I woke up to the same feeling. I feel every morning the wetness between my legs. I must've wet the bed again. This is a start to become a constant problem. I've been keeping it from my mother for the past few months since my mother and father got divorced. I suddenly started wetting the bed again. I thought aware a pull ups or diapers but in my head, I'm not a baby. Only babies do that but if mom finds out, I would be humiliated and what if I go to the cabin this year and Samantha find out, I would die.

I slowly climbed out of bed seen a large wet spot on my she like usual. I gathered up my sheets and blanket and it made me sick to my stomach thinking I was sleep in and not all night. All I could smell urine through my nostrils. It grossed me out I had to be quick. I slowly tippy toed down the stairs to the laundry room and through my sheets in the washer and went back upstairs to take a shower to wash the smell away from me.

I finish my shower s and quietly got dressed. After I was done get dressed, I walked into my room to go downstairs trying to get some breakfast before mom gets up so I could grab my load laundry and make my bed real quick before I was caught in my dirty deed. I have frozen in my footsteps. I thought I heard mom in the kitchen making morning breakfast. I slowly walked down the stairs and headed into the kitchen. My mom was there making eggs and bacon and toast with a glass of orange juice for breakfast. I started panicking inside wondering how I was going to get my laundry back up to my room without her knowing.

“By, the Why would your blanket and sheets in the laundry this morning?

[junyour]

Thank You. It is much easier to read now and shows promise of good things to come. Please continue.

And thank you willnotwill for helping him.

[junyour]

Sorry, but I credited the wrong person for helping and I apologize to both will and WriteAndLeft. Thank you

[WriteAndLeft]

This is much better. I still see a few mistakes (witch, not which), but it is much better. Could have used one more pass on proofreading, but I am happy with the improvement. Continue. Writing is like anything else. To get better, you must practice. Be sure to write every day to not go backward.

[diaper24/7]

What kind of mistake did you see it that way can learn to fix them in the future.

[diaper24/7]

A new mystery chapter 2.

I felt a little sick to my stomach wondering how this summer will go. I know my father does a lot of overseas business trips, since he's the CEO of global security Corporation. I hope he times to spend with me. I think that’s why left him my mom as he was never home. I grab my things known that a new summer was ahead of me. I feel a little sick to my stomach thinking of all the things that could go wrong this summer with Caroline. If my father wasn't there this summer I walked downstairs very nervous I know the Caroline seem like she not like me when we last meant. I think she though of me as I was the pest whom I came between her and my father in a relationship together in my head.

"Honey has a good time and doesn't give Caroline any problems call me when you get there OK."

"I will call you mom