Spouse Acceptance

[Hasen]

So me and the wife had a fight yesterday about how weird I am.

We have been together for five years now going on two married. She has known from the second year we have been together about my fetish.

From the day I've told her I've tried not to push anything on her and let her participate as she want. So far we are to the point that I can have diapers in the house and wear/use them at limited time. Mostly when she is not there. I don’t wear often. I just recently bought diapers after about a two month hiatus and have been wearing more often. But of course I get the cold shoulder.

I bought diapers that aren't very noisey of pronounced so she wont have to hear or see them. Because she doesn't notice them right off she will be normal to me until she does and then it's back to re cold shoulder.

I'm really getting irritated by all the mood swings around them. She has known for years. We've gone to counseling where she was told i'm normal and my fetish is harmless. She see that as me just getting my way and her being told she is wrong again.

Any suggestions on dealing with her. I love the girl and she seems to love only part of me. Or any advice.

P.s. sorry for grammar and formatting. My phone isn't the best

[tcc]

First problem was that you got married and THEN told her about your DL side/life AFTER two YEARS. You are lucky you have gotten to indulge yourself to the degree that you HAVE.

Unless you can reach some kind of compromise - and you HAVE been to counseling - if you want to keep the girl, you have to decide HOW important your DL side/life/world IS to you as compared to your love/marriage to your wife. It may mean that you have some kind of agreement that allows you indulge yourself only when she is not around.

Get used to instability and the emotional rollercoaster with your wife. It's normal. A woman is a woman - and NO slam intended here. It's called female hormones and is very natural. You have to get used to it and learn how to deal with it if you love her and have no intention of splitting up.

Sometimes, in the compromise, if she will let you indulge yourself, you can make sure she gets something SHE likes/wants/needs, and maybe way MORE than what you perceive as the "value" of what YOU receive out of the compromise.

She's entitled to her opinion(s), but it's not fair or right to change the rules of the game in the middle of the game. So, you have to reach a common ground. And, that's the only way it's going to work, or your only option is to withdraw, and for most of us DLs, that is just not acceptable and doesn't work for very long. The worst thing you can do is indulge yourself "on the sly". She will always be suspicious, and it WILL damage your relationship over time, to the point of destroying it.

Good luck.

[Hasen]

Sorry for the confusion. We have been together for a total of five years. He have only been married since sep 09. She has know about the fetish since 2006 I think. She e has known long before we tied the knot.

I think what is adding to the problem is we have started trying for children and I think she still thinks I'm just a pedo in disguise.

[aleyxsis]

Once again it is not a form of being a pedo !! i wish people would get that!!! .I was also in the same position with my now x wife i told her long before we got married and even moved in together .She thought she could handle it or i would change and the diaper wearing would stop .I went to counciling (she would not go )they seen to shrug it off and when i told her it was either she acceppt it or our marriage was doomed she thought i was lying .In the end it did not work and my now x GF can't get wrap her head around it .Sorry to be negative !but it takes open communcation and understanding on both parts respct her wishes and do it when she is not home .At least you have that option my stuff was always under lock and key good luck and i hope the best for you

[diaperedandspanked]

In the best interest of keeping the peace, you may want to wear ONLY when she's not around. She apparently does not like the idea of you in a diaper and it doesn't sound like she's going to warm up to the idea any time soon.

[Zuesbaby]

You know I have been with my Girlfriend for 5 months and she just figure out that I had a Fetish. Im not sure how she figure it out but she said because i like to cuddle and like cartoons. Now she not into it what so ever but after long day of talking about it, she atleast wants to do something with it in are love life. So It just really breaks down to the person with with fetishs. It mite not be the best answer but its not for all people Diapers. Other wise life would be so sweet.

[BBB]

So, here is the problem I see:

You told her about it and she didn't accept it, and yet you still got married. You both knew going in that this was a wedge between you, and for certain you knew it was something you couldnt give up or get rid of.

Your wife sounds a bit unstable, or cornered, if she sees the therapist as "taking sides". Facts dont take sides, they simply exist. (btw, never use that phrase in an arguement. Doom would follow)

[LilPrincessErin]

This is a topic very dear to me - I came out to my husband after 5 years of marriage (and a year+ of dating). I felt an enormous amount of guilt for hiding it for so long, but I never knew how to tell him. This website actually helped me find the courage. Luckily for me he was open to it, and while he doesn't fully understand it, he KNOWS its not any form of pedophelia, and he is willing to try to understand what it is and what it means to me.

To give him a better understanding of the fetish/lifestyle, I've been researching it and picking out well written articles on AB/DLs for him to read. I am well aware of how very lucky I am that he is willing to explore the fetish with me. For me the confusion lies in how to incorporate this fetish in to our sex life, so I've been suggesting to him that we reverse the roles, and that he plays the baby and I play the mommy, so that he can see what it feels like, and maybe he'll come to like it to (hope this isn't TMI, but so far so good!). He's open to it and we've laid out boundaries and we both know that if EITHER of us feels uncomfortable in any way, we'll pull the plug on it.

If your wife loves you for who you are, then ask her to understand your feelings and what this fetish/lifestyle means to you. If she loves you entirely (as she should because she is your wife and she knew this going in to the marriage) then she should make an effort to learn more about AB/DLs. There are several good threads on this website that have helped me get through to my husband. Like I said, he doesn't fully understand it, but he accepts it, and he loves me.

Sorry, this is probably a really repetitive response and if I offended anyone I apologize (I'm on painkillers for my back) but coming out to your spouse and being accepted by them is incredibly important.

[Toddler Pampers]

Hesitating a little to say this, but I think your wife might feel like you're pushing your thing onto her. Just don't wear diapers around her. Yes, it's too bad you can't. I can't around my wife. Used to bother me, because I thought it was her being judgmental. No, it was me, judging myself, and using her to make me feel all better. It's really not the diapers, it's how use them, so to speak.

About kids and diapers, your wife is probably only putting your children in her position. She doesn't want them to know that dad wears diapers, like you make her know. It's not that she thinks you're a pedophile, in all likelihood. It's that you might not think you have to be completely discrete around the children either.

Sorry to be so blunt. I know it sounds like I'm saying it's all your fault. It might not be. Obviously, I don't know your wife. But it does sound like you might be in her face about your kink. Life would be perfect if she shared it. Don't dwell on it though, or move on and make sure the next one will change you, if that's what you really want. No point in being miserable. Realize you've got what you want already, or don't, and make changes.

[Hasen]

First off thank you folks for replying. I was in a funk at work when I first wrote the post. You guys got me thinking about it. I may have been pushing a bit. I've gone a awhile without wearing and I tend to over indulge and then fast. I'm super luck to have the wife I got. She lets me be who I am but still keeps me grounded. Sometime she even pokes fun and babies me a bit (though I'm not sure if it her being mean and sarcastic of just nice sometimes). After the almost 6 years we've been together I guess there is still room for use to grow. I'll just need to continue to be the patient one.

[superdiaperbaby]

As a person with a spouse who participates I can see from the opposite end of the spectrum. I told her when we were dating that this was a part of me and my sexuality. She understood that to love me as I would like required her to use diapers on me. Now we also wanted kids and the only way to get kids is to have sex. The only way to have sex is to be aroused. For me 80% of my physical arousal comes from the feel and sensualness of wearing a diaper. You may discover this while you try for kids that there are times when mr. happy just doesn't want to play, because in order to try for kids that means daily sex. This is THE moment in your married life when integration of sex and diapers has the opportunity to become a regular part of your sex life. I have found that my wife really tries to arouse me during this time period. She can tell that mr.happy is harder and last longer when all my physical stimulus has been done. That leads to a higher chance of her getting pregnant.

If you have made diapers more of a psychological need than physical then it can be used by her as a power play, which is seems is happening. She also might see this coming, that diapers will be integral in conceiving a child. A good marriage does not have power plays because you both want each other to be happy. I think there is a deeper issue here. Like she does not want you to be happy or she is jealous of diapers or you are projecting your own insecurities about diapers onto her. By making diapers less of a psychological attachment and more of a physical requirement that will take the sting out of hurting her feelings. By showing that it helps in the bedroom you can make it special because that is something you both can share.

Anyways, to get to the diaper acceptance stage you need to confront her every time you get that feeling that she is giving you the cold shoulder. Me and my wife still work on communication, but in order to get past this issue you've got to be assertive and speak up the moment emotions are felt. But make sure you are not condescending or defensive, just call her on her behavior and ask for a reason. If she does it again, call her on it again. Wives can be trained just like husbands, but it takes time and patience ;-)

SDB

[sarah_ab]

it sounds like, she's fine with you wearing just not around her. so easy solution.. don't wear around her..

or wear around her and understand she's not ok with and you will just have to put up with her irritiability and potentially suffer many more fights.

was she ok with you wearing around her back in 06 when you told her? or has she for the most part not been thrilled when you wear around her? if its the second, then she's pretty much consistantly showed u.... she doesn't want you wearing around her.....

[gerhardt]

So me and the wife had a fight yesterday about how weird I am.

We have been together for five years now going on two married. She has known from the second year we have been together about my fetish.

From the day I've told her I've tried not to push anything on her and let her participate as she want. So far we are to the point that I can have diapers in the house and wear/use them at limited time. Mostly when she is not there. I don’t wear often. I just recently bought diapers after about a two month hiatus and have been wearing more often. But of course I get the cold shoulder.

I bought diapers that aren't very noisey of pronounced so she wont have to hear or see them. Because she doesn't notice them right off she will be normal to me until she does and then it's back to re cold shoulder.

I'm really getting irritated by all the mood swings around them. She has known for years. We've gone to counseling where she was told i'm normal and my fetish is harmless. She see that as me just getting my way and her being told she is wrong again.

Any suggestions on dealing with her. I love the girl and she seems to love only part of me. Or any advice.

P.s. sorry for grammar and formatting. My phone isn't the best

[Bettypooh]

it sounds like, she's fine with you wearing just not around her. so easy solution.. don't wear around her..

or wear around her and understand she's not ok with and you will just have to put up with her irritiability and potentially suffer many more fights.

was she ok with you wearing around her back in 06 when you told her? or has she for the most part not been thrilled when you wear around her? if its the second, then she's pretty much consistantly showed u.... she doesn't want you wearing around her.....

You seem to be on target Sarah The thing is that girls communicate differently, as you note in the words "she's pretty much consistently showed u". Guys don't always get things like that Some of them need it put verbally with bluntness, and girls aren't always comfortable doing that The resultant impasse often leads to arguments that blow up instead of solving things

To the OP: Both of you need to fully understand that we can't change how or what we feel. Even when our mind tells us to do differently, those feelings will always be there beneath the surface just waiting to cause problems and creating stress We have to allow for the feelings of others, no matter what we feel ourself We have to realize that the best you can expect in a relationship is to get half of what you wanted because it is a partnership; not a dictatorship. To the point: If there is anything you are not going to give an inch on, you must realize that it may kill the relationship and that fault will be yours- and that goes for her positions too

From what I see here, the OP will have to accept that regardless of her words, she doesn't want you in diapers She knows they mean a lot to you- she might even understand that you can't stop- which is why she's trying to make allowances for them, but she really doesn't want to deal with this That means you are going to have to deal with this all by yourself.

With girls timing is everything, so the next time when the mood for deep discussion is good with her, ask her to tell you all of her true feelings about this and don't try to change her mind when you do this- you're just gathering information here, not conversing about it unless she asks you to Then you decide whether to give her what she really wants from you, or if you can't do that, accept that this relationship is over and part as amicably as you can

Yeah, when life hands you things you cannot change it can really suck but that's life and you just have to go with it. Hey, don't feel so glum- at least you don't have my life to deal with

Bettypooh

[BigBoy]

I can't say I have a lot of experience telling people. I told my ex-wife/then girlfriend about five months in.

Whether she knows already or not, find out her nastiest fantasy. Ask her what is that thing deep down she thinks about when she's trying to cum.

My wife at the time wanted a foursome. Not really my thing. I know lots of dudes fantasize about threesomes but just not my thing.

You have to be willing to be a part of her fantasy. For me, we went on a few "dates" with another couple but my exwife lost her nerve before anything really went down.

When I did tell her she was really receptive. She bought me diapers the next day. She was the best mommy.

When our relationship was good, it was great. When our relationship soured, it kind of became another thing to resent about me. Because I was getting my needs met and could "retreat" and "regress" in diapers, I don't think I noticed when things started going bad.

For me, diapers were the counterbalance to my extreme type "a" personality. Also as a person who has lived a wild life, diapers and such take me to a time when I felt safe and knew I was loved. It's kind of like the loving version of B&D.

[Toddler Pampers]

Again, I don't think she thinks you're a pedophile, or she wouldn't have married you. Having said that, it's still likely to be about the kids. First of all, if a woman doesn't want to see you wearing a diaper, it's because it completely turns her off, which it does because she likes a manly man. Diapered, you are anything but manly. You are either a baby, or a very old man in a nursing home, in her eyes.

Now, back to kids, and biology. Your wife is thinking, biologically, about her children's safety, which you are to provide. If you're another baby, or a weakling, you can't do your job. You won't do your job. And it's a concern to her. This is all subconscious, so she won't be able to tell you this, but it's very likely behind what's going on, her newly developed offense to you wearing diapers.

[Hasen]

I know about the subconscious feeling my wife has about me and future children. We actually communicate pretty well. She definitely see me as her big masculine husband. She also likes to play the dominant role. Like I said I think in my splicing I pushed her a bit to much.

Her openness to new experiances is why I married her. It's just going to take longer for her to accept diaper in our daily life then it did to get her to like onions.

[sarah_ab]

keep in mind she may never accept diapers as part of you daily life and if you love her you will come to a compromise with yourself and stop being so selfish and not wear when she is around no where is it written she has to accept diapers in her daily life

[froggy]

There is something that seems to be missing here. I read about your needs. Be sure to make some time for her special needs too. Does she have any special desires in which you should indulge her?

[Hasen]

@froggy.

We address her needs and desires. Probably more than she is with them. Its one of the things I'm trying to work with her on and what I was pushing her on when we started to argue. One of her defences is to turn things around on me. And that is what get me really irritated because of recently she had been really accepting and well great lately.

[Toddler Pampers]

You're definitely pushing. I think you have to face the fact that she has reached a turning point. She doesn't want you in diapers in anymore. Now, she's willing to let you be when she's not around, but you're definitely thinking she will come your way in the end. Uh, no she won't, and when you add kids to the mix, you're asking for a fight every time you check to see where she is with it. Take it from me, somebody who had a 'fun' wife to begin with, who, over time, decided she didn't want or have to give that to me. I still think she's fun, just not in the way that I used to. She knows I still like playing baby, which I have grown to deem full acceptance. She changed, I changed. Still happily married.

[timmyc]

Women get married hoping their husband will change, they don't.

Men get married hoping their wife will never change, they do.

[BBB]

Women get married hoping their husband will change, they don't.

Men get married hoping their wife will never change, they do.

That was on Dr. Oz the other day....

[oliver d]

As some one who it took 17 yrs of marriage and a near fatal accident to gain acceptance by the wife of being a dl.you sould seriously find some point of balance between your needs and her desires and wishes ,or the both of you will be very miserable in youre marriage,as to having kids I have two and I keep this side hidden from them by only wearing at night in bed and when I have the house alone.It doesnt bother my wife any more that i wear and she knows its part of me and she fully accepts it but wants no part of it witch is okay by me.That kind of status quo can work.she loves me for who I am and not for what I wear as underwear

[tcc]

Women get married hoping their husband will change, they don't.

Men get married hoping their wife will never change, they do.

I think Dr. Laura and John Gray say the same thing. And, now on the third marriage of my own, I can totally agree. This should be "Maxim #1" of the Rules for Relationships". LOL

Your wife is being extremely selfish, from my perspective.

If I were in your situation, I would tell her that the diapers are part of who you are, and if she can't accept that and she continues to make you feel bad about who you are, you want a divorce. You don't want to spend the rest of your life feeling guilty about something harmless that makes you happy. There are plenty of women out there who will love you for who you are, and you'd be much happier with one of them...

...But if she's uncomfortable with you wearing them when it's just you and her - well, that's a problem. There's no conceivable reason that it should bother her what kind of underwear you're wearing. And wearing diapers obviously gives you quite a bit of pleasure. Why shouldn't she be okay with it? Especially as long as you pledge to keep it secret from any future kids? Why should this bother her? Clearly, she is not as accepting and rational as she seems.

I've been in several relationships (and am currently in one now) in which I've told my girlfriend that I like diapers. I've found that not being clear about how important they are to you will lead to relationship problems. Remember - your first responsibility in life is to make yourself happy. You should not compromise your emotional well-being just for the sake of a selfish spouse.

As far as I'm concerned, this is a very hard-core, though very realistic approach. We, DLs and ABs, are "damned if we do, damned if we don't". What has been said above is based upon fact, and is true, if not reality. But, for most in our community, it's not that easy and NOT an approach most want to or are willing to take.

I have long said a person needs to "draw a line in the sand" BEFORE a lot of time and emotion are invested, OR a committment has been made. But, for many, that's not the way it's been done. Too, it seems that it's always accepted(expected?) that women change and CAN, and we guys - "for the sake of love" - just accept it and let it go. In many cases, that simply happens.

It "takes two to tango". It will also take two to work out what is acceptable between them. It's work, and partners have to be willing to make the effort to put IN the effort if they really want to make a go of a relationship, that on the whole - except for diaper fetishism - that has a lot of viability, hope and reason to be pursued...