What Would You Do As A Parent

[PhilDL]

Last night I was watching the first 2 episodes from Showtime's "United States of Tara".

In the 2nd episode it comes up that the 14 year old son is having a bed-wetting problem. His bed-wetting happened before but ended when he was 11. The episode ended where the son is using a cloth towel on his bed.

I know this topic has come up in some way before. I'm not married nor do I have children. My question is this, if you had a kid this age and if they knew or didn't about your need or desire for diapers what would you do?

For me, if I had a 14 year old son who didn't know about my diapers. I would want to help. Unfortunately society has such a negative view on absorbent products beyond children. We fortunately embrace them and know they serve a purpose. I would get him pull-ups and a bed protector. I would simply tell him, these are for you so you can be comfortable. Besides not drinking at night if it continues you can go to the Doctor, but for now there is no need to suffer.

Is this be compassionate and realistic?

Phil

[tndyperboy]

You have it right. The issue of bedwetting is handled much better today then when we were children. I think most parents know it is an inherited physiological issue that the child will eventually grow out of as I did myself at age 10. My partner's 11 year old nephew still wears pullups at night and it is no big deal with his parents or older sister. It does help that there are a lot more options when handling it. When I was a child there were only cloth diapers and plastic pants which are very obvious, not fun for a child after about age 4 or 5 as I remember.

[fluff]

I'd tell him to sleep in the bath.

But on a more serious note, and i am in no way natural parenting material, i'd help him out - together. find ALL the options and within reason let him choose how to deal with it. Whether it be nappies, a plastic bed or doctors or whatever.

Bedwetting still seems like a taboo subject for kids and parents. Oddly, I think more here in the uk than over the pond.

[diaperpt]

As a parent, I want the best for my children. I want to say I avoid putting too much of my own stamp on what is best for my kids, but I don't think that's possible for any of us. Regardless of the issue, I have tried to be kind, loving, understanding and accepting of whatever is going on in my kids' lives. I seek professional help for my kids when they need it and that would include any problem with bedwetting or other such issues. I would certainly be supportive of my children's needs, but their concerns as well. Sadly there is a huge anti-diaper sentiment out there - they are ONLY for babies or real old people.

I'd want to help my kids see all the possibilities and not reject the diaper option simply because of the social stigma.

[DailyDi]

You'll have to revisit this topic after watching a few more episodes, lol.

[peelover]

I'd ask him if he wanted to wear diapers and if he said yes I would give him diapers and if he said no I'd see if it kept happening then ask him again.

[Squidgy]

During my childhood it was very much a closed subject - plastic sheet or nothing . At the time I would have much preferred to wear pullups or cloth/plastic pants than wake up nearly every morning soaking, cold and smelly. Now knowing the various aspects of this (particularly social taboos and low income) I can understand why my parents made their choice back then, and have no resentment.

What did piss me off were the many trips to doctors, hospitals, etc. which were all fruitless and made me feel like a lab rat. Because of this I'd hope that talking to my kid about it and giving them choices would be a better route.

[Opie]

I too was a late bedwetter until my late teens. It might even be where my diaper love started. I dunno. But understanding and helping them to not feel ashamed would go a long way I bet.

[Bettypooh]

Not a parent; but a very late bedwetter here Were it a say 10 or 11 year old or less, I'd decide with them how to deal with it- and I'd tell them my "secret" of how I used to be a bedwetter too In later years there would be doctors involved- and if nothing was discovered wrong the child's choice of protecting the mattress would continue The bottom line is support your children- get your opinion out of the way and see it from their point of view

I would have done anything to not be a bedwetter but God had different ideas. Add that to parents who wouldn't allow me to have the diapers I truly needed and you might get the picture Your children need support for their problems and the parents job is to do that- no matter what.

[Aleia]

Whatever you do, don't punish the kid--I've read too many horrible stories about how people on these forums were threatened, humiliated and borderline abused for wetting the bed, and still hurt from it.

I'd use a mattress protector for the time being, and if the issue continued, I'd probably seek professional help to rule out a medical or psychological problem. I probably wouldn't even bring diapers into the equation unless the kid suggested using them. He'd be welcome to wear them, but I'd want to leave it on his terms.

[sarah_ab]

Honestly, what 14 year old boy wants to even talk to his parents, let along about peeing the bed....

I'd probably call his doctor first, and ask about concerns / options.

Then find an actualy website dedicated to parents of older children who wet the bed and read the bulletin board posts.

I would never bring up diapers to a 14 year old boy. 14 was awkward enough without thinking your a freak who has to wear diapers.

However, i would purchase one of the mattress pads that has teh discrete plastic backing, and would wash the kids's sheets daily without comment, unless i noticed it getting worse.

I would also try to have more conversations, see if anything is going on at school/home/ with friends etc.. that could be acting as a stressor, and perhaps set up a physical with the doctor, where the kid goes in ALONE to see the doc, make sure there are no physical concerns, and give the boy a chance to talk privately.

[CDLover]

I wet my bed until my early teens.

As mentioned before, I had a mattress cover and that was it. The blankets and sheets were turned down to "air out".

I was taken to the doctor who found nothing wrong, so my parents were convinced that I was lazy. Since I was "lazy" I was punished when older by having to bed at 7 or 8PM. Of course, there was no discussion about the other things that had gone on in my life that might have been emotional trauma, (divorce, illness, etc). I was lazy..

Yes - after all these years, I still can get angry about it if I wanted to go there. I choose not to. In the meantime, although not a bed wetter any longer, I now wear diapers to bed, sleep all night and wake happily wet in the morning.

So, what would I do if this were my child. I would hope that I could talk to them and offer whatever support they wanted/needed. Of course medical options would be on the table, but also the option of "protection" if diapers is a taboo word.

Merry Christmas to all!

CDL

[Angela Bauer]

This discussion has two branches: PhilDL, the OP, had only seen the first 2 episodes of the ShowTime series "United States of Tara" As Daily Di correctly pointed out, PhilDL needs to see the entire first season to figure out what is going on in the marvelous work of fiction. Tara (the mother) is played by Toni Collette, as a woman challenged by Disassociative Identity Disorder (DID) which was formerly called Multiple Personality Disorder. Tara's supportive husband Max is played by John Corbett. Their older teen daughter Kate is played by Brie Larson. Their son, the subject of the OP, named Marshall is played by Keir Gilchrist. Please remember this TV series is fiction with no recent research into urinary incontinence in adolescence.

From discussion of the TV series, we have branched into the topic of what parents should do when a young person reverts to bedwetting. Over my years as a member here at DD I know we often have discussed what parents should or should not do in many situations. Currently there has been some good advice, some moving accounts of unhappy times and also some completely outdated information about enuresis, urinary incontinence and toilet learning.

CDLover, it is so sad that you were in your early teens before all the recent advances in the field of urology and juvenile/adolescent medicine. On what basis did your physician decide there was no medical problem causing your wetting? Even if that person specialized in urology, which is unlikely, until 1990 treating incontinence was rarely done. General practitioners could not do the appropriate exams needed to find out what was wrong causing wetting.

These days the concept kids and teens wet because they are lazy or seeking attention is disproved. Ordinarily wetting is the last kind of attention a kid or teen desires, unless that person is already a confirmed infantilist.

Had the creator of the TV series consulted any modern physician qualified to practice juvenile/adolescent urology they would know at while more boys than girls continue bedwetting without stopping (Primary Nocturnal Enuresis) the approach of puberty tends to stop the bedwetting in boys. If a youngster over 5 wets a bed that is enuresis. If the bedwetting stopped and then resumed before puberty, this is called Secondary Nocturnal Enuresis, also a fairly common condition in boys. In a person past puberty, use of the term enuresis is incorrect. That only applies to pre-pubescent kids. The correct term for people older than puberty is Nocturnal Urinary Incontinence. Modern research shows that when a young man past puberty reverts to bedwetting it is very important to examine for a host of potentially serious medical conditions, such as diabetes. By the way, it is fairly common for young women to develop some bladder control problems post puberty, which only rarely involves a lot of wetting while in bed.

Assuming "Marshall" wet his bed until he was 11, it seems safe to conclude he did wear diapers of some sort long after his memory began. Maybe Tara did remove his waterproof sheet or mattress protector way back when the nightly wetting ended. Personally I think that was a mistake, because set-backs are to be expected. From age 5 Marshall should have been made to feel no shame associated with wetting. Given he is well coordinated with above average intelligence, at 5 or 6 he should have been taught how to manage his own diapers. Pull-ups (cloth or disposable) are easy to use, although not very leak resistant. Velcro-fastening cloth diapers with separate pull-on waterproof pants have been available since the 1980s. GoodNites reached the market starting in 1994.

If a young man of 14 does suddenly revert to bedwetting commonly this will embarrass him, so he is not likely to discuss this with his parents, especially his father. What a parent should do is remain calm. Any 14 year old reverting to wetting needs to be examined by an appropriately qualified physician immediately. For a young woman start with a referral to a gynecologist. These days nearly all USA gynecologists treating adolescents have received training in urology. For a young man the parent needs to be somewhat pro-active. These days pediatricians wanting to hold onto patients longer, have received training in adolescent medicine, which should have included some urology. It would be best for the young man to be referred to a board certified urologist.

Based on consultation with the physicians, physical therapists and urology nurses, I suggest protecting the mattress as a first step. Next consider the risk to the health of sleeping while wet with urine. The normal diaper region has natural protection from even stale urine, but the rest of the body lacks this protection. From that narrow fact, diapers that do not leak seems like the plan. However, it is debated if the risk of stale urine is enough to risk psychological damage associated with a return to diapers. For this reason I suggest leaving the choice to return to diapers to the medical professionals and the young man. Young guys tend to believe a doctor or nurse.

Sure all this is far more complicated if either parent is an ABDL who is not medically incontinent. If the parent is incontinent I believe it was a major mistake to try keeping this a secret from the youngster, although it makes sense to keep ABDL activities discreet and circumspect. Fortunately when I was growing up my Granny, Mom and Aunt Betsy all wet 24/7. They did not try to keep that secret. They also assumed my sisters and me would eventually develop urinary problems, so to them it made sense to keep the extended family diaper-friendly. I realize most families are at best diaper-neutral.

[curiositykilledthecat]

teach him how to do his own laundry.

I'm not a parent so until I am one, I don't really know.

[PhilDL]

My mother used lite shame, being told only babies wear diapers.

I remember in the 70's watching a made for TV movie from Michael Landon {for the younger ones here, he was in Bonanza, Little House on the Prairie,Highway to Heaven} called The Loneliest Runner.

Here is the text from Wikipedia:

"Synopsis

The Loneliest Runner follows the story of Michael Landon's alter-ego, thirteen year old John Curtis (played by Kerwin), who still wets his bed although already into his teens. The problem is publicized, by his mother, Alice Curtis (Mears), not only at home but also in public. She even goes so far as to hang her son’s stained bed sheets up in the window for all to see.

For fear of having his friends see the yellow sheets, the embarrassed John runs home from school every day and takes them down to avoid further humiliation. Soon, however, the running becomes more than a race home but an ambition. Partly because he loves it, and also to help him forget his shame and hurt of his unhappy home life, John starts running with the Junior track team in order to channel his anger.

The show continues on ten years later when the now adult John Curtis (played by Landon himself) is an Olympic marathon runner and a gold-medal-winner.

[edit] Creation Of Film

Michael Landon was the real-life version of the loneliest runner. As a child, he wet his bed until he was fourteen and his mother, Peggy O'Neill, really did hang his sheets to dry outside of his bedroom window as punishment. The dysfunctional family life that Landon experienced during his early life were also similar to the ones in this autobiographical film.

The character of John Curtis is modeled after Landon himself, as are his parents and other supporting characters. He reused actor Walker Edmiston of Bonanza to play Doctor Claymore (who coincidentally later took two jobs on 'Little House' guest starring as differant Doctors in seasons five and nine, as well as an appearance in season three). Landon also asked his on-screen daughter, Melissa Sue Anderson to play Nancy Rizzi, saying the part was perfect for her. Melissa says she was both honoured and thrilled to have been included.

Prior to acting, Landon also had Olympic ambitions as a javelin thrower. Due to an injury in his shoulder ligaments during university, Landon was unable to pursue a career in sports and started acting, which eventually led to three very successful television series, in addition to other acting, directing, and writing jobs on other shows."

Here is the link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Loneliest_Runner

[brandonthug]

My son wet the bed till he was 15 teen. I just put an good quality matress pad to protect his bed. We had talked about goodnites and he said he didnt want to wear a "diaper". So we left it at that there was an unopened bag of goodnites in the storage room if he ever wanted to try them. He never did use them. All he would say in the morning when he was getting ready for school was i wet last nite and i would make sure his bedding was clean before him and his friends came home after school. It was no big deal in our household

[lilJester]

well personally being a life long bedwetter i would let them know that it is okay. I mean sure i would want to take them to the doctor just to make sure they were physically well. I think that there is an over emphasys on psychology today personally. They want to say everything is some sort of a mental disorder much like how back in olden times everything was caused by an evil spirit or a witch. But yeah i'd let them know it was alright everyone in the world is different some wet the bed some dont and i would let them know that there are products like diapers or pull ups out there for him or her and that wearing one does not make them any less a person or make them a baby. That part I would leave for them to figure out as they get older and find out on their own of course. But I would leave it at that basically. If they decided to wear well that just saves me on having to wash the sheets every day. But i wouldnt make a huge spectacle of the situation and i would try not to make them feel ashamed of something they cant help.