Favorite Jokes

[NewdudeDL]

So I'm always a fan of a good joke and/or humorous story, ergo, this topic. Share your favorite joke and/or story with the rest of us and let's all get a good laugh. It is healthy after all.

Also, as a side note, I vote that everything submitted be PG-13 quality just to avoid offending any users.

So here's mine (from a Reader's Digest):

The CIA, FBI and LAPD are trying to determine which organization is most effective at apprehending suspects and hold a competition to compare methods and results. They release a rabbit into a forest and each organization must try to catch the rabbit.

After placing animal informants throughout the woods and finding no trace of the rabbit, the CIA files a report claiming rabbits are a false creation of the enemies of the United States.

The FBI bugs the trees and bushes, but after a week without any clues, storm the forest and burn half of it to the ground, killing the rabbit.

The LAPD sends three officers into the forests. An hour later, they emerge with a bruised mountain lion yelling "Okay, okay! I'm a rabbit!"

[MusicBABY180]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[curiositykilledthecat]

the Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[guitar_a_goo_goo_ga]

Tony heard about a new bar that's on the top floor of a brand new building and decided to try it out. He got there and sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The place looked nice and the service was good, albeit not too busy, so he decided to stay a while. After an hour of consuming beverages he was getting bored drinking alone so he walked over to another patron who was also drinking alone for some friendly chat. After a few minutes of talking Tony noticed that the man was drinking from a flask he had brought with him and inquired about it. "This?" the man replied, "Why this is my magic liquor. Watch this!" The man took a swig from the flask and jumped out an open window. Tony, horrified at first, saw that the man fly around the building and safely come back inside. "Holy smokes!" Cried Tony. "You think I can try some of that?" The man obliged and Tony took a drink from the flask jumped out the window and fell to his death. Seeing this the bartender yelled out, "Superman, you're an asshole when your drunk!"

[Tokka]

Hey, I told my girlfriend that Superman joke like last night. Weird. Excellent joke, though. (I also liked the ostrich one a lot)

Here is a joke and if you don't laugh I'll never forgive you, but I will, for my ego, write it off to the choice in language; ideally it works with ruder words but I'm still not really sure what's permissible here. Anyway:

So this guy, Jeff, and a priest, Mike, are out golfing. It's a beautiful day, a little overcast but pleasant.

Around about the fourth hole Jeff misses a six foot putt and he yells "Dammit! I missed!"

The priest, you know, goes tsk tsk and tells Jeff that he shouldn't swear, and if he does it again God will smite him dead. As if to underline this declaration the clouds become heavier. They play on nonetheless.

On the twelfth hole Jeff misses a three foot putt and he can't help himself; he yells, "Dammit! I missed!"

And a lightning bolt sprang forth from the clouds and struck the priest dead.

And God said, "Dammit! I missed!"

[MusicBABY180]

A new priest who had just finished giving his first mass asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor said he had done fine except that next Sunday it might a good idea to put some vodka or gin in a water glass before next mass to relax him a little. The priest did what the monsignor suggested and took a water glass of vodka. After the next mass, he again asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor said he had done just fine, but there were a few things they had to get straightened out:

1. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

2. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

3. David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out of him.

4. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as "The Late J.C."

5. There will be a Taffy pulling contest at St. Peters next Sunday, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.

6. And we do not refer to the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook

[Tokka]

Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!

[Pollyanna Fleshman]

I have some pretty funny ones to add to the collection.

1. What is the recipe to a honeymoon salad?

Answer; Lettuce without the dressing.

2. What is the best way to get into a woman's bed?

Answer; Have sex with her parents first, and then you're in!

3. What do you call a dead blonde in the closet?

Answer; The 1984 Hide and Seek winner!

4. What's the difference between out-laws, and in-laws?

Answer; Out-laws are wanted.

5. How do you talk to a fish?

Answer; You drop him a line.

And, check out these;

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involvedin some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked himsternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worstdeath would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from workone day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was danglingoff the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because helanded in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''

The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike oneday and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I waseven happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord savedme again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.''

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator.....

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZING!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter was waiting.

"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.

Cooter asks, "What isis logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

Drunk Man Making a Confession (This is hysterical!)

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."

Leprechaun on Spring Break

Two college students are in Ireland for a vacation when they feel nature calling. They stop at a rest area and are using the bathroom when a small man,no more than three feet tall, walks in.

He's wearing all green, even a little green hat with a shamrock on the brim. He walks up to the urinal and starts to pee. One of the college kids looksdown and says, ''That's the biggest dick I've ever seen! How did you get it that big?''

The little guy replies, ''I'm a leprechaun, I can do anything.''

The student says, ''Can you make mine like that?''

The leprechaun smiles and says, ''A favor for a favor?''

The student says, "I'll do anything."

The leprechaun says, ''I want you to bend over so I can give it to you in the arse.''

The student says ''OK, I guess.''

The leprechaun jumps up on a stool and does his thing. He finishes and asks, ''How old are ye?"

The student replies, ''21.''

The wee man laughs and says, ''You're 21 and you still believe in leprechauns?"

[Pollyanna Fleshman]

Oops. I'm sorry for my last joke. I hope it is not too offensive. Please let me know if it offends anyone, and I can remove it.

I have another one, and I feel it is very appropriate for this community since topics of bodily waste are discussed quite frequently. Here goes.

A little boy tells his teacher that he has to go to the bathroom really bad.

"Sing your ABCs first."

"But, I really have to go to the bathroom," says the boy.

"First, sing your ABCs, an then I'll let you go."

The boy begins to sing. "ABCDEFG HIJKLMNO QRSTUV WXYZ."

"Okay, where is the P?" asked the teacher.

"Running down my leg."

[guitar_a_goo_goo_ga]

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

[NewdudeDL]

It's been a while since I heard this one, so I don't think this is the way it goes exactly.

Saint Peter has been at the pearly gates for quite some time and really has to take a leak. He sees Jesus walking by and says "Jesus, come here! I need you to take over for me for five minutes. I'll be right back, I promise!"

"I don't know," Jesus says. "I've never done this job before."

"It's real easy. just ask the people some questions and the pull the lever and send them below if they seem bad, and open the gates if they seem good."

Jsesus agrees and Saint Peter runs off to the bathroom. Jesus does well, letting a few people in and sending a few people below, when an old man approaches him as the next in line.

"So what did you do in life?" Jesus asked.

"I worked with wood, carving and making things," the old man said.

"That's interesting. Were you married?"

"Well sort of. This woman I knew gave birth to my son from another person before the two of us ever did anything official. I raised the child as my own though."

"Really? And how did you treat your son?"

"Oh, very well, but tragically he died at a young age," the old man said sadly.

"Father?!" Jesus yelled in astonishment.

The old man's eyes widened. "Pinocchio?!"

[I M Soaked]

This is one that can be taken any way you like.

Three Nuns die in a horribe wreck. Upon reaching Heaven, they are met by St. Peter. Peter tells them that they must answer one question each. The correct answer would give them entry into Heaven.

Nun #1: Who was the first man? The Nun answers Adam.... buzzers buz, bells ring and the Pearly Gates open.

Nun #2: Who was ther first woman? The Nun answers Eve.....buz, ring Gates open

Nun #3: What did Eve say when she saw Adam standing there naked In front of her? The Nun answersWow, thats a hard one.........Buzzers buzz, Bells ring and the Pearly gates open.

How about this one.

The four top commanders of the USMilitary are gathered on the deck of the Uss Enterprise (Air Craft Carrier), arguing about which branch of the Military has the most guts. The Army General goes first :

General: Private, come here.

Private: Yes sir.

Private, I want you to pull the pin from this grenade, drop it and then jump on the grenade.

He pulls the pin drops the grenade and falls on it...10 second later a gory mess is all over the deck.

Unimpressed the Admiral calls a young sailor over.

Sailor: Yes sir.

Sailor I want you to dive off of the forecastle(bow) and swim straight through the screws(propellors).

Dive, spash, shark bait.

Still unimpressed, the Air Force General call an airman over.

Yes sir.

Airman, I want you to start that jet and jump into the engine.

Yes sir.

Wirrrr, jump,hamburger.

Obviously still unimpressed, the Marine General searches the ship for a subject. Upon seeing a young Marine up on the signal tower, he calls to the Marine.

Yes sir.

Marine, I want you to dive off of that tower and land right here(pointing at the deck in frint of him) and land head first.

Sir?

General repeats him self.

The Marine looks down and hollars:

Sir, Screw you, Sir as he shoots the General the Flying fickl;e finger of fate.

The General turns to his colligues and says:

Now, gentilemen that is guts.

[redneck diaper boy]

Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common?

A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.

[guitar_a_goo_goo_ga]

Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common?

A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.

Did you get that from ann coulter? Because is quite vile

[redneck diaper boy]

William Ayers bombed the Pentagon and a New York police precinct and is still non-repentent.

It may be vile but it is profound and true. Google it if you don't believe it

Did you get that from ann coulter? Because is quite vile

[Yvhuce]

The first one comes from my grandpa, who's a farmer. It may not make sense to some denominations, as it's based upon smaller churches with simpler practices.

An old farmer goes to church every sunday. Every sunday, when they pass around the collection plate the farmer takes a little out of it. Each sunday, he takes a little more. Finally, one sunday the preechar decides to confront the farmer about this.

"Why are you taking money out of the collection plate?" the preecher asks.

"I'm tithing." replies the farmer.

For those who don't get it: Tithing = giving 10% of your income to the church (being a farmer, he is losing money each week).

This one was told to me by a preecher:

A trucker is driving down the road. He really hates lawyers. So, he's driving along and spots 3 lawyers walking along the side of the road. He speeds up and pulls onto the shoulder, hearing the satisfying "Thump! Thump! Thump!", and pulls back onto the road and slows back down to the speedlimit. A ways down the road, he spots a preecher who's having car trouble, so he pulls over and lets him in. On their way into town, the trucker sees another 3 lawyers on the side of the road, so he speeds up and pulls onto the shoulder. Then he remembers that he's got a preecher in the truck, so he pulls back onto the road. But, he still hears the "Thump! Thump! Thump!".

So, the trucker turns to the preeher and says: "Man, I'm sorry about that..."

The preecher just smiles and says: "That's alright, my son. I got 'em with the door!"

[full nappy]

funny thing happened last night. i was walking past the fridge and i'm sure i could hear the onions singing bee gees songs. i decided to investigate so i opened the fridge door. i need'nt have worried.... it was just the chive talking

[I M Soaked]

Yvhuce

I can relate to your first joke,I work at a feed mill and deliver feed to farmers every day. The second one Is a varyation of an old racial joke, the only change was tha the lawyers were not lawyers, they were of an ethnic group that the south still has problems with.

[anondl]

I like the jokes. They seem to run to religious, which is ok w/ me, but there must be other subjects for us sophisticated folks to skewer.

Full Nappy. I am undecided re bad puns . Try again, alot.

Maybe Jokes could be a catagory unto itself here at DD board and chat. DD?

Anondl

[Bettypooh]

A frog walked into the bank seeking a loan. Looking on the counter he saw a sign that said "Mrs. Wack" so he says "Good Morning Mrs. Wack. I'm here to get a loan" She looked at the frog as she took her notepad and asked "Name?" The frog said "Kermit, just call me Kermit." Wanting to be friendly the teller said "OK, Kermit, you can call me Patty. I'll hand the note to our loan officer and get you a loan application. Just sit over there" she pointed.

In a flash she was back, telling Kermit to fill out the form and bring it to her when he was done. In a few minutes he was back at the teller's desk handing Patty the application. She looked it over and said "Kermit Jagger? are you related to the rock and roll singer?" Kermit blushed and said "Yeah, Mick's my dad." Patty said "Wow. I see you want ten thousand. Why don't you just get it from your Dad?" Kermit said "Well I just want to do things on my own." Patty said "On a loan that big we will need collateral." Kermit had to ask what that was, and once it was explained he reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny porcelain elephant, handed it to Patty and said "That should do it." She looked it over. It was delicately made and perfectly painted and looked quite old. She said she had to see if the loan manager thought the collateral was adequate so down the hall she went, studying the tiny elephant, wondering if it was Royal Dutch, or maybe a Chinese Ming. She knew the loan manager was an expert on antique porcelain so she'd soon have her answer.

She explained everything to the loan manager, handed him the application, and still wondering about the elephant she gave it to him then asked "What is it?" He looked at it carefully and sang out: "It's a knick-knack Patty Wack, give the frog a loan, his old man is a Rolling Stone!"

Bettypooh

[Yvhuce]

Well, one of my last ones got a complaint. But it's one that I heard from someone else, that they heard from someone else... I doubt they knew the history of it any more than I did. So, here's one my grandpa told me. If it offends anyone, it's his fault. It's called The Texan and the Kansan (or Everything's Bigger in Texas).

A Kansas farmer's cousin from Texas came up to to visit for a few days. On the first day, they're out walking around, checking cattle and a mosquito flys around the Texan and is swatted.

"What was that?" The Texan asks.

"A mosquito." Replies the Kansan.

"Oh... Well back in Texas, our mosquitos are so big they carry people off!"

The Kansan knows his cousin is full of hot air, but just lets it be.

The second day, they're out checking cattle again and see a rattlesnake, which slithers off into some tall grass.

"What was that?" The Texan asks.

"That was a rattlesnake." The Kansan replies, "Don't they have rattlesnakes in Texas?"

"Of course we do!" The Texan laughs, "Back home, our rattlesnakes are big enough to eat busses whole!"

Again, the Kansan just lets his cousin get by with the fib, since he'll be going home again in a couple of days.

On the third day, they're checking cattle and hear a terrible commotion out by the pond. They go to check it out and find the Texan's dog with a large snapping turtle clamed on his tail. The dog is yelping and hollering and making a big fuss.

"Ohmygod!" The Texan gasps, "What is that?!"

"That's a Kansas tick!" the Kansan replies.

[MusicBABY180]

Well, one of my last ones got a complaint. But it's one that I heard from someone else, that they heard from someone else... I doubt they knew the history of it any more than I did. So, here's one my grandpa told me. If it offends anyone, it's his fault. It's called The Texan and the Kansan (or Everything's Bigger in Texas).

A Kansas farmer's cousin from Texas came up to to visit for a few days. On the first day, they're out walking around, checking cattle and a mosquito flys around the Texan and is swatted.

"What was that?" The Texan asks.

"A mosquito." Replies the Kansan.

"Oh... Well back in Texas, our mosquitos are so big they carry people off!"

The Kansan knows his cousin is full of hot air, but just lets it be.

The second day, they're out checking cattle again and see a rattlesnake, which slithers off into some tall grass.

"What was that?" The Texan asks.

"That was a rattlesnake." The Kansan replies, "Don't they have rattlesnakes in Texas?"

"Of course we do!" The Texan laughs, "Back home, our rattlesnakes are big enough to eat busses whole!"

Again, the Kansan just lets his cousin get by with the fib, since he'll be going home again in a couple of days.

On the third day, they're checking cattle and hear a terrible commotion out by the pond. They go to check it out and find the Texan's dog with a large snapping turtle clamed on his tail. The dog is yelping and hollering and making a big fuss.

"Ohmygod!" The Texan gasps, "What is that?!"

"That's a Kansas tick!" the Kansan replies.

Yeah, I don't get it...

[MusicBABY180]

It's an ironic statement. On day 3, the Texan asks what it is, and the cousin lies so that the Texan cannot say it's bigger in Texas.

I understand American humour, I just don't find it that funny due to it's lack of cynicism.

Yeah, thats what I thought. Thats why I didn't think it was funny.

[guitar_a_goo_goo_ga]

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

The other 2% is represented by smoke breaks.

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

The other 4% are the times in life when something is just on the tip of your tongue but you can't quite remember it.