I Feel Horrible About This Sometimes

[Snow]

Being into this. I don't want to be. If I could chose to I wouldn't.

I have purchased diapers for myself and used them a few times (probably no more than 5 times) and often throw most of them away. I just feel so horrible. The story goes on, but its just my version of what other people go through.

Who here honestly deep down wishes they could somehow reverse it? I really wish that the things about adult diapers that do it for me, didn't. I know, love myself and just be who I am... but thats a bunch of garbage. I suck for my own reasons but I wish I didn't have this need. I don't want to think about this stuff when I think about women.

It's funny. When I was younger, the diaper websites were just starting out. DPF wasn't very old and had pretty mature people there. I must have been a little more than 12 or 13 years old. I know thats way to young, ya ya. But then it wasn't sexual. It was just this thing that seemed to feel good in my head.

As I got older I got real world results instead of just using towels. As it got better it got worse. As good as it feels, I feel equally ashamed. Its not even for others, its ashamed of myself. ugh... This post sucks. Im such a wimp for writing this.

But anyways.

Who here honestly deep down wishes they could somehow reverse it?

I do.

[wylz]

I've left my shame behind a long time ago. But at the same time, my life would be *way* easier if I didn't have the feeling I have. Diapers come into this, but my other "main" thing (see website listed below).

I really enjoy wearing/wetting diapers. Or rather, it feels good to do so. Very sensual, somewhat sexual. But I often end up feeling empty when I do so.

It is what it is, I am who I am. I can't change that. Doesn't make it any easier to accept. Frankly, it causes me so much pain that I sometimes wonder if I'd not be better to throw myself from a bridge, or sumthin'.

So yeah, life would be easier if it wasn't this way. But it is. What can you do? Hunker down and keep going. Take it a day at a time, an hour, a minute, a breath at a time. No choice.

[combine]

An eventual development of some form of acceptance

The experience of the Binge-Purge Cycle is somewhat similar to what many homosexuals have reported, after the initial discovery of their sexual orientations. In both cases, after a certain period of some inner conflict, most eventually learn to accept these subconscious traits in one way or another, rather than to attempt, unsuccessfully, to root them out. After some time, most infantilists eventually reach a certain type of a practical compromise in their lives, that enables them to both live a relatively normal life, while still indulging their infantilistic desires to a certain extent.

[Pipsqueak]

I think most of us have felt that shame at some point, but it really does go away over time if you make a conscious effort to love and accept yourself for who you are. I know you think that's garbage, but it's not. I've been there. So have others.

Most of the problem stems from the messages we're given as young children. Our parents want us out of diapers (understandably) and they give us subtle messages that drive home that wearing diapers is not acceptable after a certain age. The worst thing other kids can call you is a baby. If someone has a wetting accident at school the other kids giggle and torment them. Society has become so conditioned to it that most people's worst fear is that they'll get old and lose control of their bladder and be subjected to the indignity of a diaper. That's rather a sad statement about society, don't you think?

The thing you have to tell yourself is that your diaper-wearing doesn't hurt anyone. If it doesn't hurt anyone and you are not subjecting others who aren't into it, to it, then there's nothing wrong with it. We don't choose this lifestyle, it chooses us. We can try to ignore it but it makes us even more unhappy. If you stand back and look at it from a distance, your most shameful secret is that you like underwear with a plastic backing. You're not destroying yourself and everyone around you with alcoholism (I hope!); you're not destroying yourself and your family with drugs; you're not getting your kicks from raping women or children; you're not setting fires to people homes because it gives you a thrill ... You're wearing underwear with a plastic backing. That's all. So it makes you horny, so what? Men get horny looking at photographs of a pretty girl. Men get horny thinking about getting horny. That's life. And it's one small part of who you are. Think about all the good things about yourself. Do the diapers outweigh all of that? I doubt it.

Enjoy the diapers when you wear them but don't let them take over your life.

And the answer to your question ... for me that is ... is no. I wouldn't change it. Not now anyway. I enjoy it and I've grown comfortable with that part of me. If you really are unhappy about these desires and want to change things you should make an appointment with a psychiatrist to talk about it. The success rate for ridding yourself of these thoughts is low but if you're determined you may just do it.

Good luck to you and please don't be so hard on yourself.

[RabiDingo]

Meh, I'm to lazy to care.

I could care less, I am wearing a diaper right now and I love it. One of the biggest things is I'm lazy, and I like to do long stretches of gamming. So I sit in my chair with my drink, play for long hours, and dont have to get up to go to the bathroom. I just do it sitting right there.

Works out for me

[Nangza]

I know exactly how you feel. I wish with all my heart that I could stop wanting this, so much so that I think I may just kill myself. I am so afraid of waking up one day, 50 years old, in some run down on bedroom shack of an apartment, all alone because no one wants to be with a person with tastes like mine. Not to mention, I feel so ashamed of myself that I dont think anyone could stand my sorry attitudes most of the time. Either way, I dont think Im the most encouraging person here, but Im honest if thats any consolation.

[Rhezz]

love for diapers is nothing to be ashemed for. Would you hate an artist for love of his life style or a skulptor. its all self expression, nothing more. would you hate someone for loving chocolatE?

People are to selfish and just disregarde something they cant contimplaint.

[Sarevor]

I actually wish that these desires never go away, because it makes me feel unique. I experience pleasures that not many other people in the world can. These desires are so different from any others that I have, and that makes me feel gifted. Being able to feel something that many others can't is a wonderful feeling, and I hope it stays with me.

What is wrong about thinking of women and Diapers? Do you believe that infantilism and pedophilia share a common interest? I am sure that is true for some, but I think you would know if you were one or not. You either are one or you aren't, this has nothing to do with children. It has to do with a Diaper, you have a Paraphilia towards it. A Paraphilia is an attachment towards an object. This has nothing to do with the selfish destruction that is child molestation.

I am guessing you look at AB/DL women, and this makes you feel guilty. Like I said earlier, this has nothing to do with pedophilia. It has to do with placing a woman in a diaper, as well as the vunerability of A child (NOT an actually child). It is called ageplay, and many believe that it is a variant of BDSM. An exchange of power, and something I believe to be done very sweetly.

Thinking you'll be alone all your life sounds like another issue entirely. You having an attraction to diapers isn't going to stop you from finding someone. The only way that would happen is if you're expecting your GF to have the same feelings that you do. All you would have to do is not spring this on the type of person whom may not be ready. Also, you can't expect your GF to not be shocked by this, it is a lot to take in. It is a fetish that is linked to something more sinister, and is not well known. You may be lucky and find that she is into it as well. But the most you could hope for is that she accepts it. If she loves you, she will love you. Nothing will change that.

[Guest Guest]

Someone said something similar, but I'll put it even more explicitly: it doesn't matter whether or not you like diapers. It really doesn't. As long as you are able to control yourself enough to not have it take over your life then it's the same thing as enjoying most other things that give people pleasure and its non destructive. The problem with liking diapers is that it is socially unacceptable, it has nothing to do with your worth or anyone elses. For me I say let anyone do what they want as long as no one suffers because of it, unfortunatly thats not the way everyone else sees it. The most important thing though, is not to repress it. That does not mean that you go out and buy diapers whenever you feel like it, it means that you must acknoledge that you have these desires and fufil them when it will not interupt your life.

Would I like to not have these desires, yes, but only because it would make life easier, and because part of me thinks its "gross". I wouldn't have to hide things from people I would trust with anything else (not for fear that they would abandon me, but that it would distract them from who I really am). It is for the reason that society does not look favorably on this fetish, not because it makes me a bad person.

Basically, this is who you are, and you don't have to love that part of yourself, you have to accept that its there and not going away. As long as you don't let it take control of you or your feeling of self worth, than there's nothing wrong with it. Your problem, and many other people with various off-norm sexual desires, is purely physicological, once you just let go of the notion that it is evil, you will feel much better (not to say that its easy to do so).

[Sarevor]

yup ^

[drynot]

We don't choose this lifestyle, it chooses us.

Thats some pretty deep thinking there Pipsqueak.

There was a time back in my teen years that I truly wanted to give up diapers. I was under the terrible impression that I couldn't have normal realtionships with girls because I wore diapers. I didn't have a whole lot going for me in the looks department so being a DL was the final nail in the coffin as far as relationships were concerned. Being a teenager is such a strange time anyway. You are trying to figure out what you want to do, who you are, where you are going, etc, etc. Throwing the diapers away and getting rid of everything wasn't an option because I was still wetting the bed heavily back then. There was no getting away from them, so I had to embrace them.

Snow: The feelings of shame and despair that you have been experiencing are certainly not unique. I would hazard a guess that 90 percent of us have gone through exactly what you are dealing with now. I would suspect that diaper wearing isn't the main issue here. You may have other things going on in your life that are just compounding the problem. I'm not going to sit here and tell you to continue to wear a diaper when you obviously don't want to. What I am observing is that diaper wearing is a symptom to another underlying issue that you need to come to terms with.

I call myself a diaper lover because of the feelings I get from wearing them. Comfort, security, safety are all wonderful emotions that I experience. If I got that same feeling from another source would I continue to view diapers in the same light? I think not! I don't consider myself a whimp or a whussy for needing these emotional feelings in my life. In fact, I feel quite lucky to have discovered something else that brings happiness to my existance. You can't waste time feeling bad in this day and age or life will blast right on past you.

[Sarevor]

I think everyone is overcomplicating things.

[Guest Damian]

You see, the REAL thing is that in many cases what you do is an uncontrolled form of self-abuse. Like alcohol abuse, it will eventually ruin you if you do not take control. If you are compelled to continually push the boundaries, risking many things that you cherish in your life AND feeling guilt and shame about it then you got to stand back and see where it is taking you. This is especially true when it becomes a prolonged, ritualistic form of self-gratification.

Sorry for being a party pooper (pardon the pun) but this is the harsh reality.

[Pipsqueak]

You see, the REAL thing is that in many cases what you do is an uncontrolled form of self-abuse. Like alcohol abuse, it will eventually ruin you if you do not take control. If you are compelled to continually push the boundaries, risking many things that you cherish in your life AND feeling guilt and shame about it then you got to stand back and see where it is taking you. This is especially true when it becomes a prolonged, ritualistic form of self-gratification.

Sorry for being a party pooper (pardon the pun) but this is the harsh reality.

I'm not sure I agree with you there. I agree that you can't allow it take over your life, but I don't agree that wearing diapers is a form of self-abuse. In fact, for most of us, it's a form of self-comfort, or in others, sexual release. You can argue that people use alcohol for comfort too, but alcohol and/or drugs are used to obliviate what's going on in your life for awhile. For the couple hours you're stoned or drunk (or days or weeks or whatever) you don't have to deal with life. Wearing a diaper is more like having someone give you a warm hug or hold your hand when things get too much. You can't diaper yourself into unconsciousness. If it reaches the point where you're not actively participating in life but just engaging in diaper fantasies 24/7, then something else is going on with you and you need to examine your life and ask yourself what's going on that you can't bring yourself to deal with.

As for the shame and guilt, we ab/dl's are not the only people with shame and guilt. Everybody has secrets. They may not involve diapers but they are still things they don't want revealed to others. We are all human.

Everything in moderation.

[Guest Damian]

Pipsqueak,

When you experience what Snow describes - it is worse in many ways than alcoholism or drug addiction; in this form it is a serious compulsion - diapers are simply the catalyst. Your state of consciousness is lessened by alcohol or drugs which even further highlights the severity of the problem that Snow describes where the addiction even beats ones normal sober and rational ability to control their behaviour.

People like Snow may not go around beating up little old ladies for their pension books or life savings to feed their habit but they potentially could do the damage to themselves in a way that can end up as worse, suffering inside for years until they end up mentally wasted, probably having sacrificed a lot in their life along the way, including relationships, career, family, etc.

Damian

I'm not sure I agree with you there. I agree that you can't allow it take over your life, but I don't agree that wearing diapers is a form of self-abuse. In fact, for most of us, it's a form of self-comfort, or in others, sexual release. You can argue that people use alcohol for comfort too, but alcohol and/or drugs are used to obliviate what's going on in your life for awhile. For the couple hours you're stoned or drunk (or days or weeks or whatever) you don't have to deal with life. Wearing a diaper is more like having someone give you a warm hug or hold your hand when things get too much. You can't diaper yourself into unconsciousness. If it reaches the point where you're not actively participating in life but just engaging in diaper fantasies 24/7, then something else is going on with you and you need to examine your life and ask yourself what's going on that you can't bring yourself to deal with.

As for the shame and guilt, we ab/dl's are not the only people with shame and guilt. Everybody has secrets. They may not involve diapers but they are still things they don't want revealed to others. We are all human.

Everything in moderation.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[~*ChristieLuv*~]

I can honestly say the only time I have felt ashamed about it is when I was young and didn't know that much about what I was feeling. When I really thought about it I knew there is no reason to be ashamed because it is only a different and harmless way of expressing myself.

I agree that people shouldn't let it interupt the certain needs people need throughout life but it doesn't really have any more potential of doing that with any more than any other sexual fetish and if it is not a fetish and how you like to express yourself then it is even more harmless as much as in other interest or hobby. Even if you are creative you can mix your basic nessecities with your AB interests.

I know people can feel ashamed about it because of how much social prejudgement there is but think of all the other innocent minorities that involved race, individuality, gender, gender identity and orientation out their that were being prejudged and didn't let that bother them. Showing everyone how they are harmless and now they do not have to go through that. If we stay strong and put our minds to it our dreams can come true too. I think it is important to just get the message of individually over all out there. Not prejudging things just because they are different or you don't know about it. To stop from this happening again.

Like for me getting in touch with my inner baby is almost like a meditation. It helps me express innocence, humbleness, playfulness, creativity and I feel like my mind is open the more and more I do it. You know what I mean, I know I am not 1 years old, just a baby at heart. It is about what that identity means to me like what everyone elses forms of individuality means to them and it helps me to do things. Like learning about things to get along in life doesn't make me any less of a child. Just a really smart child!

[LightFolf]

It's funny, I was more comfortable with the whole diaper thing initially than I am now. I guess part of it is that I've thought about what could be described as the 'ramifications' or 'consequences' of it, and that gets me down at times.

I like to wear diapers, and I feel good when I'm wearing them. Not in the sense that I need them to feel good, it's just a good feeling, a bit different from other good feels I get from other things. I don't really feel guilty about it, although sometimes after masturbating while wearing one, I get a weird feeling of "well, that was kindof pointless" or something like that, and don't feel like staying in the diaper any longer. It's not every time, tho, although many times I do get aroused from being in one.

The part where I get bothered about this is when it comes to relationships. I sometimes feel like my interest in diapers is going to make it very difficult, if not impossible, for me to find somebody I can spend my life with. It's not something you can easily bring up early on, but I feel like it'd be hard to work my way into a relationship, only to have to reveal it and probably have things start going in the other direction. The issue gets partly more complicated by other kinks I have, but I don't think any of them are anything I could simply give up at this point in my life. Still, I sometimes find myself wishing that I didn't have any kinks... Hell, I'd be happy if bondage was the only 'kinky' thing I had an interest in.

That said, I've had a lot of fun RPing all sorts of things online, although I've also had too much fun with it, as at one point I had become dependent on playing around online. I've gotten past that, but I realize there's always the risk that it could happen again.

I don't really know where I'm going with this...I think I was going to say something of use, and this just wound up being all about myself. Maybe somebody can find something of use to them in what I've said, tho.

[Pipsqueak]

Pipsqueak,

When you experience what Snow describes - it is worse in many ways than alcoholism or drug addiction; in this form it is a serious compulsion - diapers are simply the catalyst. Your state of consciousness is lessened by alcohol or drugs which even further highlights the severity of the problem that Snow describes where the addiction even beats ones normal sober and rational ability to control their behaviour.

People like Snow may not go around beating up little old ladies for their pension books or life savings to feed their habit but they potentially could do the damage to themselves in a way that can end up as worse, suffering inside for years until they end up mentally wasted, probably having sacrificed a lot in their life along the way, including relationships, career, family, etc.

[Snow]

I would like to say I value the thoughtful input you have all provided.

My life is in no way shape or form controlled by diapers. I rarely use them. I think I have had less than 10 packs of adult diapers. Thats it. I don't think I've purchased more than 10 bags of depends or whatever else is around here.

Mentally though it feels like a barrier. I don't want to need diapers to get pleasure, like I dont want become dependant on them. But its part of my mindset. Its something I think about when it comes to pleasure.

Its odd. I want it but I also don't want to need it.

[Pipsqueak]

If you don't mind me asking, Snow ... are you able to experience pleasure at other times without relying on diapers? (I assume you're refering to sexual pleasure?) If you are, then I wouldn't worry at all about becoming dependent on diapers for giving you that release. You might want to make a conscious effort to focus more on the other things for awhile, perhaps interspersing with the diapers now and again so that they don't become something you have to have. Sometimes if we deny ourselves one thing in particular, the desire for it grows and grows and becomes all-consuming. If you make the diapers part of a varied routine the need for them may cease to be so overwhelming. They become just another fun tool in the box.

If you can't get sexual pleasure without involving diapers, then it is a true fetish. Some people can deal with that. If you can't, then you might want to see a therapist for some assistance. Not because you need to be "fixed", but because they have a lot of experience dealing with these things and could possibly help you find a way to be less reliant on the diapers, if that is indeed the situation. They have seen and heard it all. I don't know where you live or your financial situation, so it may not be something you can afford, but it is an option if you're that uncomfortable with your need for diapers.

[prakticaboy]

I used to go through hating myself for liking diapers, try to stop liking them, then go right back to them. I was really confused. Then I told a really close friend (female) and she told me it was cute. She indulged in diapers a couple of times with me. After one person accepting my love fo diapers, that was it ... No more guilt. So to some it up I used to wish i could get rid of my love for diapers. But it just took time to realize I am not a dirty person and I freak just because I love diapers. I am normal. Some people are sports nutts, I am a diaper nutt. Ha ha !!

[Donny 27]

I know exactly how you feel. I wish with all my heart that I could stop wanting this, so much so that I think I may just kill myself. I am so afraid of waking up one day, 50 years old, in some run down on bedroom shack of an apartment, all alone because no one wants to be with a person with tastes like mine. Not to mention, I feel so ashamed of myself that I dont think anyone could stand my sorry attitudes most of the time. Either way, I dont think Im the most encouraging person here, but Im honest if thats any consolation.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Geees! First-- please dismiss any self distructive thoughts. You are not alone.

Do not let the guilt thing eat you alive. Everyone has turn ons and fetishes,

some more common than others. With the internet to talk to others I hope you can find people of like mind and resolve your issues. Using diapers is not linked to your self worth. If you are driven to diapers try to find others of similar mind.

Sharing fetishes can be a lot of fun.

Good luck

[Guest]

Being into this. I don't want to be. If I could chose to I wouldn't.

I have purchased diapers for myself and used them a few times (probably no more than 5 times) and often throw most of them away. I just feel so horrible. The story goes on, but its just my version of what other people go through.

Who here honestly deep down wishes they could somehow reverse it? I really wish that the things about adult diapers that do it for me, didn't. I know, love myself and just be who I am... but thats a bunch of garbage. I suck for my own reasons but I wish I didn't have this need. I don't want to think about this stuff when I think about women.

It's funny. When I was younger, the diaper websites were just starting out. DPF wasn't very old and had pretty mature people there. I must have been a little more than 12 or 13 years old. I know thats way to young, ya ya. But then it wasn't sexual. It was just this thing that seemed to feel good in my head.

As I got older I got real world results instead of just using towels. As it got better it got worse. As good as it feels, I feel equally ashamed. Its not even for others, its ashamed of myself.

[baby ellie]

hey...don't feel bad or guilty because you "think" you need them....you dont its all in your head...like most things we like...but who cares if it is something that makes you horny or feel excited, its something you like...as someone said ealier at least your not getting off like raping or murdering people. u just like a different type of underwear...

i havent' been a AD/DL for long so i'm still in the "in love" phase but it took me a while to understand it and actually discover how much i enjoy this...only 2 people know in my life and they are very supportive...mainly my bf since he really has shown me the way.

please don't feel guilty, the diaper isn't you and you are not the diaper...just something u like to do every now and then...keep your head high ok, things will all get better

*giggles*

baby ellie

[Guest Dill Pickle]

I don't really know what to think of it. Although my gf is very very supportive, I just don't know what to think. I do wish I could reverse it, and be "normal" again.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Logan,

The shrinks have fought long and hard about this, and have come to the conclusion that real harm is the important yardstick. This is a small part of you, and harmless...and there are LOTS of fellow-travelers in the world...and experience shows that those who attempt reversal are about as successful as gays deciding to be straight.

I also suspect that finding out you have somethng odd like that is actually normal..just relax and enjoy the ride...check with a shrink if you need to...