From ~little-girl~to Capital Me

[runaway]

Those of you who feel like you will ALWAYS feel like a kid ...

I used to think I’d be in a little girl mind set forever, because in spite of my protests of wanting very much to be treated like a “grown up”, I felt like a little girl inside all the time. But, feeling little and being treated like a kid brought up two totally different emotions. I would always get angry whenever anyone wouldn’t take me seriously (which was most of the time). At 15, at 18, at 25 … I was the same 4 year old stomping my foot because the world was being mean to me. I had no idea that my great efforts to hide that little girl inside weren’t working too well. My big grown up lady facade was pretty transparent.

I was who I was, and I slowly learned how to embrace that person and make the best of things. When I got to chatting with people in yahoo on a regular basis (2001ish till 03ish), it was a lot easier to keep being that little girl. I was in my 20’s – when a person is supposed to learn the advanced parts of being an adult, instead I kept on developing that internal child.

I began a serious college career when I was 25 (after a term in the Air Force and a near 2 yr marriage coming to a thankful end). College slowly (very slowly) separated me from my active communication with others online. Studying took up more of my time, and I gradually stopped seeking out the attention that my internal little girl loved when she posted on forums … and forum and diaper pic posting pretty much ended sometime in 2004.

There were some complicated rough patches between 2005 and 2007. I had began to mentally grow up quite a bit within that time; I had stopped wanting to wear diapers, but was still wearing pull-ups a lot; sometimes still played with my toys and colored … doing my old little girl things, but not as much and not with as much enthusiasm as I once did.

When I turned 29 I really began actually feeling like a grown woman, much more than feeling like a child. I still felt her in there, and still had many of the same little girl thoughts manifest throughout the day … but there was a new mature voice of reason that was louder. The mature voice wasn’t totally new, but she didn’t have a strong presence. I heard mature thoughts, but didn’t used to feel them. I was beginning to feel the mature woman inside rather than just hearing her. It was kinda weird, but in a good way.

I feel now like there are 3 people in me … little girl, mature woman, and an observer that can see both and act as mediator. The mediator explains the thoughts and actions of the mature woman to the little girl and vice versa. Late last year 2007, that mature woman made up the majority of me; the little girl that once ruled the whole house is now a mature woman who doesn’t feel little much at all. It is now that I can hear the little girl, but I don’t feel her … I remember the feeling, and can still type and talk like her … but I feel like the big grown up lady that I didn’t ever believe I could be.

Those that think this is a sad thing ... to have the kid inside to fade ... don't be sad. It might seem like a bad thing, but until you experience it for yourself, try not ta judge it too harshly. I know just a few years ago I would have been completely against having a more grown up mind set, because it is so much fun to think like a kid. But, for me, feeling like a kid was a problem. I fall back to that feeling on ocassion and it isn't a good sensation after knowing what feeling more mature and in control of things is like; rational feels fantastic in comparison.

I don't expect many to relate to my journey, but maybe there is some out there going through something similar. When I've shared some things like this in the past, it turned out ta be a good idea ... soooo, I hope it can be again.

[lynniehyde]

Those of you who feel like you will ALWAYS feel like a kid ...

I used to think I’d be in a little girl mind set forever, because in spite of my protests of wanting very much to be treated like a “grown up

[diaperwearntigger]

I totally can relate to you. It seems over the past few years, and even more so in the past few months my need for diapers have ceased and I hardly ever use my paci anymore. I use to crave those items in my life, it was my support, my comfort, my rescue, and my escape. Now I have other things in my life to take that place of my diapers and paci.

I do feel like a baby girl at times, I don't think that feeling will ever go away, but that earning need certainly has. My husband, my marriage, my schooling, my career, my desire to have more in life, my desire to have a baby, and now my 13 yr old stepson who is living with us for awhile, has certainly taken that place of the diapers and the paci.

When I was living alone in NC, the need for diapers, a paci, and a daddy was so strong, to the point where I felt that it was becoming unhealthy. I even at times took my paci to work with me because I couldn't survive a day without it. Now, its stuck in a drawer that comes out once or twice a month.

I still have those desires to be treated like a baby... maybe its more of the fact I want to give up the adult side of me that I'm in all day, and not want to have to be the one to make the decision, but rather have my husband/daddy have that control. And maybe the need to wear isn't there as much because I can't wear during the week with my stepson around and only able to wear every other weekend when hes at his mothers, and even then its been hard to wear because my husband/daddy is working or coaching and I find it not as much fun by yourself.

I don't think there is anything wrong with growing up, I think it just shows that we have found other things in our lives to fill that void that we filled with diapers, pacis, etc. Don't get me wrong its still nice to wear on occassion, its just the strong desire to wear all the time just isn't there as it once was. My life, my goals, my desires, and my needs are so much different now than they were even a year ago. My focus is on so many different things in my life, that are adult related, that the diapers are not needed as much.

Do I like this side? Yes and no...but I know that when that baby side needs to be released, it can be, and just because it is, doesn't make me any less focused on my adult goals, and that having a day in diapers can be theraputic to your adult side. Its still always nice to escape at times, I just don't need to as often as I once did, like 6 years ago, when it seemed that my life was going no where. And today, my life seems to be going somewhere and for the good.

[runaway]

Thanks heidilynn … Duckie, you are too good to me; thanks you for makin me feel all mushy inside when you look at me with those rosy glasses.

And yes! about those scary people out there who act on emotion rather than reason. Going through this process of transition I have had a big rain forest of emotions swirl around in my mind and wishing very much to know how to deal with it all, and wondering why it was so hard to just be the big person that I was. No matter what accomplishments I had made (graduating high school, graduating military basic training, having high honors in med-tech school, being successful in college) … in spite of all those big grown up things, I still felt like a little girl in my mind. I would feel like there was something broken about me.

I’d compare my views of the world and views of everyday life to the views of others around me and felt so out of place. The way my mind works to make sense of the world seemed very different from anyone I knew. That made me feel more vulnerable than I already was. I could handle regression of the spirit, because that just felt good and fun and … so many things related to the word good … but what bothered me was feeling like an alien when it came to understanding life and concepts like everyone else. In English classes I would always be the one to have a very different interpretation of some writing or poem … I was hardly ever near what the “right answer” seemed to be. I of course learned those right answers and spit them back out onto the tests, but in my mind I would feel like a loser for not really seeing things correctly.

Later, I began to realize that just because the majority saw things one way, doesn’t mean that way is right for me. I’m not broken inside, I’m just different. It is lonely being different, especially when even my family can’t relate. I have a hard time voicing my opinions, and sharing my thoughts face to face with anyone because I’ve been made to feel stupid so many times in the past … it’s something I like to avoid. Then my sarcasm comes out, which doesn’t usually help much. It’s one of those survival things – finding humor is one of my defenses, even if others don’t find it as funny as I do, lol.

When I felt child-like for so many years after I should have, it made me wonder if there was a neurotransmitter that was responsible for the feeling. Is there a chemical that is supposed to turn on to help the adulthood process, or is there one that supposed to turn off to help phase that child out? Or perhaps there is a pathway in the nervous system that is slow to develop that kept me from growing up?

Whatever the case, I’m so relieved to just realize that being different doesn’t mean I’m broken … or incomplete, or wrong … or other words related to wrong. I’m me and Me and lots between. Now that I know that, it’s like that grown mature feeling washes the criticisms off and they don’t matter much -- that self-parenting thing you talked about Duckie is so true! I have developed into my own parent and tell myself things that make so much sense and reason that I have no idea where they really came from, lol. The only thing left ta do is find a group of people in my real life that I can relate to, and feel they can at least try to relate to me in some form.

[lynniehyde]

We're here for ya. The best group therapy money can't buy. DD rules!

Cuddles,

--heidilynn

[Pipsqueak]

Whatever the case, I’m so relieved to just realize that being different doesn’t mean I’m broken … or incomplete, or wrong … or other words related to wrong. I’m me and Me and lots between. Now that I know that, it’s like that grown mature feeling washes the criticisms off and they don’t matter much

I think that's the crux of the situation. When I reached the point of accepting and embracing this part of me instead of being ashamed of it, things changed. I now let the little me out to play when I feel like it for my own enjoyment, instead of having her grab me by the throat and demand it now! Grown-up me and little me live together in peaceful coexistence now. Little me now trusts grown-up me to take good care of her so doesn't constantly demand to have her needs met.

[lynniehyde]

I think that's the crux of the situation. When I reached the point of accepting and embracing this part of me instead of being ashamed of it, things changed. I now let the little me out to play when I feel like it for my own enjoyment, instead of having her grab me by the throat and demand it now! Grown-up me and little me live together in peaceful coexistence now. Little me now trusts grown-up me to take good care of her so doesn't constantly demand to have her needs met.

Nicely stated and good insight as to what it takes to live in this world ABDL. We all have adult responsibilities which we must address, every day. Unavoidable. Unless, you have a true benefactor or caregiver willing to take care of that for you. There are few of these, to my knowledge. More importantly, one you can trust. Those lucky souls, who have managed to hook up with such a soulmate, are blessed, indeed. For the rest of us.... Baby ON! Someday, maybe someday....

Cuddles,

--heidilynn

[runaway]

OK, I'm just gonna use this thread as a vent to spill out some things crawling around my brain related to this growing up business ...

*******

I often felt curious about why anyone would want to fill the Mommy or Daddy (or caregiver) role for other grown men and women. I wondered if anyone really felt as comfortable and natural in their Dom(m)inant role as I felt being an alg. I had my doubts whether anyone was really being honest about their willingness to put up with an adult-child … not only put up with it, but play along … even claiming to be seeking out that role. Are they fulfilling something within themselves when they Dom(me) it up … in a similar way we adult-littles do when we regress (or fall into a regressed mind-set)?

I am being harsh with my words on purpose, because that is how I was processing the questions in my mind at the time. Those phrases, ‘put up with’ and ‘play along,’ are how I used to envisioned that role to be. I didn’t understand the feelings of concern for the well-being of a grown person as it relates to the regression. And, I didn’t understand the motivation to help create a safe place for their hidden secrets … like scraps of discarded material blooming into a fantastic work of art.

We, the adult-littles, (I imagine there are a few we’s, but maybe it’s only me) discard much of those regressed thoughts and feelings that happen throughout the day … those that don’t currently have a partner in crime or a friend in-the-know to share with will discard them for lack of anywhere else to put them. By discard, I mean we don’t actively share those thoughts and feelings as they happen because we can’t. There is no one around in real life to calmly wipe up our spilled milk … to give a big squeezing hug when feeling scared … to make a snack when the tummy is grumbly … or to recognize grumpiness for what it really is – (insert specific insight here).

That regressed little person doesn’t always have a lot of self-awareness that a mature person with an established learning curve to their own behaviors seems to have developed. Most of the time, that narrator inside the mind of an adult-little will blame every grumpy, sleepy, moody feeling on the internal kid. That little one becomes a scapegoat, even if it is a normal adult thing. For example, when Aunt Flow would visit me every month, I would not recognize my moody feelings for what they really were – pms, lol. No, I would blame those feelings on my inner little girl because she was a convenient blame bucket. Everything was her fault.

Instead of being able to share those daily happenings, those internal littlessness views and feelings … they swirl down into our secret drain, that even we don’t know where it leads. Swallowing up our internal little person not only makes the person on the outside frustrated, but it makes the self feel very split and detached from the world around us. An internal struggle manifests each day on different things; an internal dialogue influences our actions, and can take up a lot of energy … emotional and physical.

Okayyy, what is my point in sharing all this? Well, now that my internal little girl has faded quite a bit and the grown-up inside has become a lot louder, I can really feel those empathy wheels in me turning for others that have that internal child inside them. I didn’t have empathy before when the little girl ruled my mind. Yeah, there was a tiny bit of compassion in there, but nothing significant … I know that now because I can feel the difference. I can really see legitimacy in those care-giving roles. My trust issues run deep, so I’m not yet convinced I have a few We’s with me on this side of the fence … but that is only because I haven’t met any actual Mommy-type people for adult-littles in real life. I don’t have anything or anyone to compare my feelings to so that I can put proper words together to explain what is going on in my mind about all this. I’ve had a lot of years to construct descriptions for the little girl who dwelled inside me … soooo, the start of this new journey on a new uncharted mountain might turn out to be very lonely at first … more so than being an alg … BUT I do know for a fact the rewards far outweigh any discomforts there are when it comes to having this strong woman growing inside me – even if there isn’t anyone my heart can care for (ok I’ll say it > >> love) just yet. It is like I have this clear feeling … very much like a picture in my head I want to draw, except my emotions and ideas are my paint and my personality and desires are my canvas. I can feel exactly how I’d like to be, even though my current identity is far from it.

*wheew … wipes brow* … typing that was exhausting. I need a nap.

[smarti]

It is like I have this clear feeling … very much like a picture in my head I want to draw, except my emotions and ideas are my paint and my personality and desires are my canvas. I can feel exactly how I’d like to be, even though my current identity is far from it.

*wheew … wipes brow* … typing that was exhausting. I need a nap.

I read a bit too much DH Lawrence and my mind came up with pseudo Lawrence quote applied to my little self.

"A person's desires are not fixed like steel. They are more like gold, malleable into new forms but retaining their essence and being true to themselves"

It's a kind of liberation feeling I can be everyperson. boy or girl, any age. there's nothing in the shop that one of my big/little, boy/girl selves wouldn't be able to try.

[runaway]

I read a bit too much DH Lawrence and my mind came up with pseudo Lawrence quote applied to my little self.

"A person's desires are not fixed like steel. They are more like gold, malleable into new forms but retaining their essence and being true to themselves"

It's a kind of liberation feeling I can be everyperson. boy or girl, any age. there's nothing in the shop that one of my big/little, boy/girl selves wouldn't be able to try.

I think that is a pretty nice quote smarti … and can see how you would relate it to your experiences. Your interpretation doesn’t quite fit with me because I’m not altogether sure I can be every person I think I might want to be. That’s why I decided to share. My thoughts and feelings are very much moving quickly toward a Protector role ... not like a real mother, cuz I have no desire to have a real baby at all and won't even go out with anyone who has kids ... and I'm unsure I could even pull off a Protector or a Domme role in the abdl world in reality ... but I can't stop thinking about ... well there is my trouble; I'm having a hard time putting it into words.

Perhaps I shouldn’t, because I’m obviously not doing a good job of it so far. The replies have been well intentioned (here and in emails and IM’s), but based on the way the replies try to reflect understanding of my words, I’m afraid I’ve been unsuccessful with the clarity of my posts. I wish I could articulate what is on my mind to others and have them walk away seeing things through my eyes … but, my written expressions don’t quite get there … and I know for sure I’d never be able to verbally explain. I’ve never been able to speak fluidly. There seems to be a detour road block between my thoughts and my mouth, lol.

[lynniehyde]

I think that is a pretty nice quote smarti … and can see how you would relate it to your experiences. Your interpretation doesn’t quite fit with me because I’m not altogether sure I can be every person I think I might want to be. That’s why I decided to share. My thoughts and feelings are very much moving quickly toward a Protector role ... not like a real mother, cuz I have no desire to have a real baby at all and won't even go out with anyone who has kids ... and I'm unsure I could even pull off a Protector or a Domme role in the abdl world in reality ... but I can't stop thinking about ... well there is my trouble; I'm having a hard time putting it into words.

Perhaps I shouldn’t, because I’m obviously not doing a good job of it so far. The replies have been well intentioned (here and in emails and IM’s), but based on the way the replies try to reflect understanding of my words, I’m afraid I’ve been unsuccessful with the clarity of my posts. I wish I could articulate what is on my mind to others and have them walk away seeing things through my eyes … but, my written expressions don’t quite get there … and I know for sure I’d never be able to verbally explain. I’ve never been able to speak fluidly. There seems to be a detour road block between my thoughts and my mouth, lol.

Why don't you just assume the role of "big sis" with some lucky AB? You still get to satisfy the nurturing aspect, obviously in your makeup. And, at the same time, satisfy the the playful little girl, deep inside. I've had relationships with a number of women who really enjoyed this aspect of ABDL. None of them had the desire to wear diapers, to my knowledge. But, it wouldn't have mattered one whit to me, if they had. I currently have two big "sissies" and an "aunt" who love carrying on with me. Purely platonic relationships. Still fun, nonetheless. Experience has taught me that there are women who, while not into the whole changing dirty diapers affair, doing laundry etc., love the feeding, don't mind changing the occasional pee-pee diaper, clothing, tucking in, reading stories and in general being a nurturing spirit to a similar, childlike, loving soul.

Cuddles,

--heidilynn

[BabyChris121675]

I kinda went through a similar path, runaway. I got hurt a lot a few years back and well, it taught me a lot about the AB world, and I also too started to grow up.

I now no longer play baby. I now no longer wear diapers as much as I did before. I have other things I've begun to enjoy more than kids stuff, or what. I know that is harsh, but when you were hurt like I was and well, have had mommies lie to you, babies lie to you, and what, you start to feel like the community hates your guts and you are better off without it. You also learn about yourself more at the same time, like that you are Asperger's, you start to wake up and realize a lot.

I've given up a lot and I have learned a lot about myself since I got hurt in 2004 by an AB girl who I was daddy to. I've learned that I am still a part of the community, but I am trying to find who I am, and what my role is. I like the baby side of things, but I don't feel that close to it. I am not where I am right now. I want to try the baby role again, but with a loving mommy-type to be there for me, but I know the odds of that are slim to none.

So, I've given up the role for now, and wait to see where my cards fall. I want to find someone, but the odds are not in my favor. Never have been, and they never will be. I've given up trying to meet people online, and just lurk around a lot because I am tired of being hurt.

Plus, compared to 2004, when I got hurt to now, in 2008; my life is a HELL of a lot better. I work a job, I have a bit of stable income, and I am happier now than I was in 2004. I guess I made the best choice too, runaway.

The only baby thing I do is sleep with my blankie and a stuffed killer whale I have still. That's about it. I don't wear diapers, play with toys, drink from a bottle anymore, as I find it kinda boring now to do that by myself with no mommy or baby girl to look after.

BabyChris121675

[CDLover]

Hi runaway,

I've read your post a few times and was thinking about your thoughtfulness and also the thoughtfulness of the replies... Now it is my turn.

I think you said it pretty well... You have "grown-up" and accepted your life as an adult. As you said, it is not a bad thing, but just a part of your continuing growth as a human. Actually, growth as a human is the only thing that can keep us truly going.

You comment of "having three people in you" hits a chord with me. Someone told me once that we are kind of like an orchestra inside. All these instruments (voices, people - whatever you want to call them) are longing to be heard. Sometimes one of them is too loud and overwhelms the others. In this case, it is the role of the conductor (our primary self) to say, "OK, voice... I heard you, now back off as I need to hear the others too."

For me that voice was "the abandoner". When I got divorced that voice was really loud and dominated. I had to learn to put that voice in context with the rest of them that really wanted to, and needed to be heard.

It seems this is the same thing that you are saying. Only the voices are different...

Thank you for taking the time to post your thoughts. Best wishes to you.

CDL

[smarti]

I think that is a pretty nice quote smarti … and can see how you would relate it to your experiences. Your interpretation doesn’t quite fit with me because I’m not altogether sure I can be every person I think I might want to be. That’s why I decided to share. My thoughts and feelings are very much moving quickly toward a Protector role ... not like a real mother, cuz I have no desire to have a real baby at all and won't even go out with anyone who has kids ... and I'm unsure I could even pull off a Protector or a Domme role in the abdl world in reality ... but I can't stop thinking about ... well there is my trouble; I'm having a hard time putting it into words.

Perhaps I shouldn’t, because I’m obviously not doing a good job of it so far. The replies have been well intentioned (here and in emails and IM’s), but based on the way the replies try to reflect understanding of my words, I’m afraid I’ve been unsuccessful with the clarity of my posts. I wish I could articulate what is on my mind to others and have them walk away seeing things through my eyes … but, my written expressions don’t quite get there … and I know for sure I’d never be able to verbally explain. I’ve never been able to speak fluidly. There seems to be a detour road block between my thoughts and my mouth, lol.

I have domme-ish fantasies from time to time. It puzzles me, the contrast with wanting to be somebody, and desires to be the giver or recipient of coercive control. I have them, but they scare me. Call me AB-lite, a weekender. Tending or being a 24/7 baby slave is a whole new ballpark, too much of normal life to give up.

[runaway]

Thanks Chris and CDL for taking the time to read my thoughts and giving your input.

Hey smarti ... well, I'm thinking that perhaps my idea of Domme (for u >>Dom) is two different species if u are boxing it in with harsh, domenering treatments. Or if u have visions of a black leather clad person with a whip and shackling the prisoner ... mmm ... ok as much as I kinda like some of that, lol... I only consider that a game ... a temporary playtime. The leather comes off and the shackles are unlocked and u go about everyday life after that.

If I were to have it as a lifestyle, I think of it as having control over the details of most aspects of living ... she must be willing to accept I know what's best and be trusting enough to know I will always want her happy even if she may not be happy in a certain moment or didn't like a decision I made. She must also be comfortable enough to not feel rejected when I need to be alone. There's a lot more, but I don't want to ramble on ....

As much as I'd like to have a relationship like that, where all she is responsible for is cooking, taking over the transportaiton (driving and picking me up, cuz I seriously hate driving) and being available for me to pleasure sexually ... I highly doubt that could last for a lifetime.

I'm also not yet ready mentally, because I'm only at the start of this development. Maybe if I were ta meet someone at the start of her development into those things I'm looking for, we could grow into them together ... that would be ideal. Since I expect this process for me may take a long time, I'm not too worried about finding someone soon. I have some internal work ta do, and many experiences to be had before I can commit to any one person.

[grumpy75]

I’d compare my views of the world and views of everyday life to the views of others around me and felt so out of place. The way my mind works to make sense of the world seemed very different from anyone I knew. That made me feel more vulnerable than I already was. I could handle regression of the spirit, because that just felt good and fun and … so many things related to the word good … but what bothered me was feeling like an alien when it came to understanding life and concepts like everyone else. In English classes I would always be the one to have a very different interpretation of some writing or poem … I was hardly ever near what the “right answer

[smarti]

Hey smarti ... well, I'm thinking that perhaps my idea of Domme (for u >>Dom) is two different species if u are boxing it in with harsh, domenering treatments. Or if u have visions of a black leather clad person with a whip and shackling the prisoner ... mmm ... ok as much as I kinda like some of that, lol... I only consider that a game ... a temporary playtime. The leather comes off and the shackles are unlocked and u go about everyday life after that.

Hey! I can be both Dom and Domme.. my bra size is 36". Being Dommed is also a nice idea.

Don't mind leather, but I prefer forced diapers and baby frills. What you are talking about is a power relationship. what you want could be sustainably achieved if you had a quid pro quo to offer her. Good luck.

smarti