Dr_J

No, I'm not dead. I'm just drowning in my final semester of Graduate School and have been battling some major events in my life. Still, I completed Chapter 28, and am nearing the completion of this novel (They say a novel becomes a novel when your word count reaches 60,000+). So, I sincerely apologize again for the long wait, but this current chapter hurt me to write because it draws a lot from personal experience. Still, there won't be as large of a gap between chapters any more, since I'm nearing completion (and hopefully, publication) of "I, Infantilist." Chapter 28 I'd never tasted words so sour as they escaped my lips...but why did they taste that way? It felt like I'd told Dr. Venello I murdered somebody. An overwhelming dryness filled my mouth and my face got red hot. I looked down at my hands to see them trembling violently.

6

So I know it's been FOREVER since I last posted a chapter. This has been a very emotionally charged and difficult section of this story for me to write. You'll see why. I'm almost through the sad parts, as well as the story itself. I aim to end it by Chapter 30 and finish it once and for all. I apologize for this major gap in between posts. Here is Chapter 27. Chapter 27 I followed Dr. Venello’s advice and spilled my thoughts all over the blank pages. Within the first week, I must have filled at least seven pages! A lot of it revolved around my father and me. Had I dropped the book on the ground and someone were to read it, they’d have probably thought I was a pessimist. But, you know what? It did feel good to write it down. That way I could see it and it was off my mind enough to where it didn’t make my heart heavy. There were only a couple of things I failed to put in there: the fact that I’d tried killing myself and the fact that I was an infantilist. Those were realistically the two things I needed to admit to Dr. Venello so I could move on with my life and with my therapy, but at the same time, simply the thought of writing them down paralyzed me with fear. So at my second session, I avoided the issues, despite so badly wanting to talk about them. Part of me thinks Dr. Venello knew something was wrong, as she studied my face more often that time around. Now you might be wondering how Jill felt about this whole therapy thing. One of the hardest things about going to therapy or counseling while in a relationship is that there runs the risk of the significant other wanting details…details you may not necessarily be comfortable sharing with them. This isn’t always the case, but sometimes it is. Fortunately for me, Jill wasn’t like that. She’d ask a simple, “How’d it go, babe?

I'm also me on there: Dr_J Feel free to add me, just please tell me you're from here so I know who you are

I saw that idiot post that somewhere...but I can't for the life of me remember where I saw it. I almost replied to him calling him such.

Thank you very much, DailyDi. Words can't express how grateful I am to have support and understanding from everyone!!

Hey everyone, Thank you so much for all of your support and resources you've been sharing with me. It really means a lot!!! I know it won't be easy, but with your support I know I can do this.

Hey everyone, I hope this is an appropriate place to post this. Some of you know me, but I'm sure a majority of you do not. But for those that do, you know me as a nice, usually happy or mellow guy. I like to joke, I like to make people laugh, going to Grad School, living life and writing my stories. But what just about nobody knows is that I've been battling depression and some other kind of mental illness (though I don't know what that is yet but will find out hopefully soon) for almost five years. It started when I first entered college, and I foolishly told myself, "It can wait until I'm done with college...I have to keep going!" And so I did. And it worsened. About six weeks ago, my depression got to the point where I had contemplated suicide. A lot. It was from a mixture of things, one that includes feeling like I'm worthless for not being able to have a successful job despite working so hard for my 4 year degree. The job I had until three weeks ago had been giving me little to no hours of work per week and that didn't help. About two and a half weeks ago, something happened that caused my depression to surface even more than it usually does (in most cases, it'd go away after a few days). The feelings worsened and now they do not go away. It's as if it's stuck on the surface. Sure, I can still laugh and talk to people, but as many people describe it, it's like there's this huge weight on my chest that's very painful, and it radiates throughout my body. I find myself forcing myself to get up and do things but still put on a smile and tell everyone I'm okay. While this sounds unfortunate, the good news is that I'm finally seeking help. After five years, I am seeking counseling/therapy and am taking some steps to find out what exactly is wrong with me and what I can do to overcome it. Honestly, these past six weeks have felt like I've been in a mental coma, like I'm some kind of zombie just wandering around in hopes of getting over it. A lot of mental illnesses run in my family (Dad's bi-polar and has Borderline Personality Disorder, his parents/siblings suffer from similar illnesses). I'm only 23, so I feel if I get the help now, I can enjoy the rest of my life and not ruin relationships or myself any further than I already have. I'm not sure what's compelling me to write this in this forum. Perhaps it's because I want people who might be under similar circumstances to know that I've been there. I've been to the point in my life where I wanted to end it because I thought the pain was so much that I physically and mentally couldn't stand it anymore. But I did, and while I'm still hurting, I'm doing what I can and must in order to keep living. With that said, I thank those of you who have listened to me in the past and helped me talk through some of the problems I have. I also thank those of you who don't know me for taking the time to read this. Sincerely, Dr_J

Hey everyone, so here's a quick update: I'm in Grad School, which has essentially destroyed all free time. This means that in addition to not being able to write, I also have had little time for friends and family I have about one month left before I'm done for the semester, which will enable me to continue working on this story at a much quicker pace. However, the good news is that Chapter 26 is done Please accept my apology for being so slow and bear with me as I may take a while to get the next chapter up. Chapter 26 Before I actually went into therapy, there was something about the idea that scared me. I was always under the impression that they’d certify me absolutely insane and suggest that I spend some time in a mental ward and take a slew of pills that would alter my personality. I was never so wrong in my life. The initial search for a good therapist was my biggest challenge. I did not want, by any means, a male therapist. There was no way I’d be able to talk to another dude about my infantilism and everything that had happened between me and my father. That narrowed my search to only a handful of places. I then found a place that “instilled religious values with therapy to ensure an enlightening, healing experience.

You just need to tone it down as a million people have either told you or have been wanting to tell you. Allow me to further expand. I'm sure there are more people like you. But the thing is, some of us have been members for quite some time. Lots....and lots...and lots of people have posted similar things in the past, and we've called them out on it just about every time. It's gotten old, to say the least. The fact that you believed it was a phenomena means you're either still new to the lifestyle or perhaps you truly find similar stories 100 percent believable. Darkfinn said it best when he said there were people similar to how you've been acting who make us look bad. The folks who are trying to make a difference can't make a difference when we've got horny, fantasy-infused people coming in and telling us these seemingly outrageous stories. Even worse, you defended it and did not accept the blame when you clearly upset quite a few of us. Allow me to teach you a thing or two about image restoration theory (thank you Grad School). This is a theory that states when the public finds an individual at fault, even if said individual is not at fault, that individual's reputation is damaged. It takes work to rebuild your reputation and regain the trust and acceptance of the rest of the people. I won't go into detail on the strategies involved since this would be a four page description, but I will say that you need to take corrective action. That is, tell us what you're going to do to make sure this doesn't happen anymore, apologize (a plain, "I'm sorry for upsetting everyone and will try not to do it again in the future."), and rebuild your image. This can take anywhere from days to years, depending on the severity of the act. Call me a dork, but Organizational Communication has allowed me to analyze your situation, and I'm merely making recommendations for you for future reference. Your first step in realizing people are/were upset with you should've been a simple apology. The next step should've been editing your post and deleting it. Finally, if you're not sure HOW to write on these forums (etiquette, etc.), look at the rules, observe other posts, and see how most threads are written. Get to know the "culture" of our community so you can apply it and contribute to our community in a good way. This concludes my lecture/rant/analysis.

Ohh okay Well I'm equally liking the AB/DL and Caregiving parts, so perhaps it's a win-win?

So as some of you may know, I'm an AB/DL. However, recently I've discovered that I'm quite a good caregiver. Like, far better than I thought I could be. I'm just wondering if this is normal, or is it different for each of us?

Yesterday was my first day working at Best Buy. Well, it wasn't working, per se. Rather, we had a Culture Day where we learned all about the company, its policies, and the people we'd be working with. There was one major part that stuck out to me, though. It was the video and discussion on Best Buy's code to accept Diversity. This acceptance included people of various races, sexual orientations, ethnic backgrounds, and other things of the like. They claim to have an open door, non-judgmental policy when it comes to our backgrounds. And it makes me wonder: how on Earth would they react if they knew about me? The entire time all I kept thinking was that they truly do seem to be accepting of our individual lifestyles...but there has to be exceptions, don't there? Would they really look at me the same way or accept me if I told them that I was involved in this kind of thing? My mind tells me maybe, but my heart tells me no. I imagined myself talking to the managers about the possibility of there being a group related to the AB/DL lifestyle (with exceptions of course...those exceptions being that we obviously wouldn't be allowed to wear in the workplace, etc.) and them telling me I was fired a few days later. I imagined everyone looking at me peculiarly and whispering things behind my back. I envied the current groups Best Buy has formed. I envied their ability and freedom to feel comfortable about themselves without fear of judgment in the workplace (Although I know judgment will always take place...but the managers I've met all seemed strongly for all types of backgrounds and lifestyles. They were all open-minded and told us to have open minds) We have not yet been able to receive such an opportunity though, have we? We're still frowned upon by a majority of the public and are called things like "freaks, sick-minded people, and pedophiles." We're told we need to see shrinks and get help. We're sometimes talked about with such animosity that it makes us fear the worst. I chose not to speak to a manager about it, for obvious reasons. But I hoped. And I still hope, that one day maybe I won't have to hide. Given the circumstances, one involved in this lifestyle can only hope.

I've noticed quite the "dry spell" over there. Nothing new, no new stories or images. Perhaps a lot of them are spending their time here? hehe

Hmm, to make him feel like a baby. What has worked for me is being talked to as if I were a baby. You know, cooing and using baby talk. Does he have baby things like bottles and pacifiers? Those may also help. I also wonder if perhaps "burping" him after feeding him would help? Again I'm not too sure, but it might be worth a try. But that's good that you're both open-minded and experienced. And if he keeps saying you're doing fine, perhaps you are, even if it doesn't feel like it. Again, I'm glad to hear you're trying to get into the role I had an ex who had little interest in this lifestyle, and she definitely made it seem forced whenever she'd take care of me.

Well for starters, welcome to the site Secondly, the fact that you came to this site and want to make your boyfriend happy is heartwarming to say the least! You said you've never really had an interest in the AB lifestyle before, but what do you need help with? Getting used to it? Getting into the "mommy" role? Or understanding an AB? I think an important thing to ask is, what does your boyfriend need/want out of this lifestyle? Each of us is different, so I can't say I know exactly what your boyfriend's needs and wants are, but I imagine he wants you to care for him in the same manner you would an infant or toddler. Diapering, feeding, cuddling, etc. However, I think it's important for both of you to set some ground rules. Compromise, if you will. Perhaps there are things you're not comfortable doing just yet, since you're new to this and all. I'd say your best bet is to try things a little at a time. So maybe sometime you could start off with simply feeding your boyfriend or something like that. If you're comfortable with it, then maybe try adding something else? If you can give some more information about what more you'd like help on, there are plenty of people, including myself, who will do our best to help you ~Dr_J

Coming from you, Fozzy, that really does mean a lot This story took me many years of planning and research. I sifted through all of the thousands of ABDL/Infantilism stories on the web as a lurker, saw which ones worked and which ones didn't, and came up with this idea. My goal is to make a fictional (95 percent fictional, anyway) story seem so real that the readers can't tell which parts are real and which aren't. It's strange, too. Of the many stories I've written/ am writing, this is by far the longest one. I also wanted to make sure I wasn't writing some sexual fantasy as you mentioned. Honestly it's very cliched and in most cases poorly written. Instead of adding that element to this story, I added the human element. The reader can see that John Morrow, while an infantilist, is not much different than your average person. He struggles to accept himself, has family issues, and other things like that. Again, thanks for your reply and I'm glad to hear you like this story.

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one. I really thought someone had hacked my account and became frightened

I just tried getting into the Live Chat, and I receive an error that tells me I'm already logged in. Is that a technical bug or did someone hack my account?? I've changed my password, but that hasn't helped any. Please let me know what I should do Thanks! Dr_J

Chapter 25 Stillness lingered in the air as I drove towards Jill’s. I was in the eye of the storm, in my car, refusing to look back at the damage that had been done up to that point. Jill became my main focus during that drive, and so did building up the courage to confess that I had almost ended my life and that I needed help. What would she say? Sure, she promised she’d love me no matter what, but how would she react when I’d tell her I tried to kill myself? And how would I go about telling her? I practiced the words I would say for the entire duration of the drive. It always seems so easy when you practice, but it becomes almost impossible to say the right words when the moment of truth arrives. When I pulled into Jill’s driveway, all I could think about were the possible outcomes of our conversation that hadn’t even come into existence yet. “You tried to fucking kill yourself?! How could you?!

I'm more irked by the whole "yearly" lifetime membership. That is just beyond sensible.

Wait...how can a lifetime membership be yearly? That defeats the whole purpose of a lifetime membership.

Thanks everyone! Your support is very much appreciated!!!!

Thankies!

Yes! I will officially be taking on the MA in Communication program! I got the call Thursday and have been amped ever since!