Mummy looking for clarity about how a little views or values their partner in a non-caregiver role

[careforhim]

My partner introduced me to ABDL and it's been good in all the ways I think they were worried about. Their likes and preferences don't bother me and so far at least I've been 'mummy' and have been enjoying it. There is a sexual aspect to most if not all that we do and I'm not sure how common that is. I don't have any issue with how sexual things are because I've always had relationships where sex is a big part of things. I happen to believe that for my partner this isn't a fetish in the sense of something that's one of their favourite positions but that it is part of their identity in a similar way to how others might identify themselves as male, female, straight, gay, etc. (I apologise if that isn't a great way of expressing it. I know how I feel and think about them but getting my brain to find the right words for those thoughts and feelings is something I'm still working on.)

Believing this is who they are has made me wonder about how I fit into things. I'm not sure I know how to articulate what I mean and was hoping that another caregiver or anyone here really, might help me clear up some things in my head. I'd like to feel a bit more clearheaded and also have more or better language to talk to my partner about it. They've gone to so much care to make sure I feel comfortable with things that I would hate to accidentally give any suggestion that any of this make me question our relationship.

The best I can explain is that I'm not sure if their bond or attraction to me is because of the role I play in making their wants about diapers and little space possible or if their bond and attraction is towards me as who I am and me playing the mummy role is a bonus thing we enjoy together. I don't want to phrase it as "do they like me or do they like me because I make their diaper/little fantasies come to life" because it sounds too much like "do they love me because I'm me or do they love me because I make it possible for them to get to what they really love or want". That isn't even a blunt version of what I'm wondering because I'm not wondering if it's me or if it's diapers in the sense it's one or the other. 

I have a close friend that is gay and for various reasons didn't feel comfortable being himself for such a long time. H did what was safe and expected, got married to a woman, had kids, and while everyone is in a good place now there was a lot of difficulties and painful times. I don't know that it's a fair or accurate comparison but it's in my head and I can't seem to not wonder if diapers are my partner's true love/dream relationship and me (or another person even) is just how they get to their true love. If a human partner is a necessary evil - enjoyable, fun, good in a lot of ways, but not their end goal. That sounds again like "pick between me and diapers" or "do you love me or your diapers more" and I really don't feel that's what's in my head. Part of the reason I've loved past partners is because of what they've allowed me to do or how they've made possible things I was interested in so I think it's normal and healthy for those sort of things to be reasons why you love them. I think I'm wondering if me being "mummy" is the reason my partner likes me. I'm looking for (and they said they were as well) a long term relationship. I don't have any interest in asking them to stop being who they are or for us to do less but if I'm thinking long term partner then "what if diapers/mummy/that sexual dynamic becomes impossible - would we still work". Could they be happy with just me or would they have to fantasise about their true love or attraction for us to have a sexual relationship. 

I apologise if I've said anything hurtful or inaccurate - please correct me. I can't figure out how to put better words to what's in my head. It feels like this might be a common thing in situations where something isn't a kink but is a fetish and must be present. 

[Little Sherri]

I think you've done a good job articulating a complicated question, and it may be one that only you can answer. Or your partner. Evidence that you might look for, that would tend to tilt the balance one way or the other, might be along the lines of: are they also a giving and committed member of the relationship, or is it most about them getting what they need, because they're the "needy" one, as befits the role of a "little", and you end up feeling sucked a bit dry sometimes, just like a real parent often does, because you always have to be the bigger person? 

Or is there life outside of the nursery? Are you into Latin dance or crocheting or breeding German Shepherds, or whatever, and are they bending over backwards to make it possible for you to do the things you want to do, as much as you are for them? Or, do you sometimes want, I don't know, a glass of wine in a bathtub, surrounded by candles, no baby stuff, and can that need be met? So that then, you're completely recharged when it's time for them to be put in their diaper and onesie and bottle fed, or whatever the deal entails? 

It sounds like you're a good person and a good partner, asking a fair question, without wanting to taint the waters, so that your partner is free to truly enjoy themselves in "those" moments, without worrying about if they're taxing you unduly. But a good partner would lay a lot of groundwork to ensure that when it's their time to be needy, your needs have already been met. Your partner may genuinely believe that you find your role in the interaction to be as stimulating and enjoyable as they do, so, you may want to make sure that you are clearly articulating what you're looking for in other venues. If they're smart and they have some awareness of how good they have it, they'll perk right up, and if it's a massage or a beach vacation or a new accessory for your motorcycle or a new tropical fish or whatever, they'll get all over that, because a good partner in this corner of the world can be very, very hard to find. 

I wish you all the best. 

[careforhim]

Thank you. Everything you said makes sense and I know a lot of it will be what works for me or us and there's not one right answer. 

I know that in every relationship no matter if it's romantic or friendship or family people do things for the other person and know that the other person will do things for them. It sounds very transactional to say you do things to make the other person happy as part of an unspoken agreement that they will do things to make you happy. It's not as simple as doing nice things to get something you want the same way it's not as simple as doing nice things with nothing ever in return. It's not something that's usually a conscious thought or articulated. 

If you had asked me what I would find difficult about a relationship with someone who's ABDL before I met my partner it would've been very specific to items or acts or behaviours. I wouldn't have mentioned dynamics that are part of every relationship everyone ever has. I have enjoyed the increased communication and intentional choices that I've found in past relationships that have included kink. And if you had asked me if there would be a big difference between a relationship that includes a kink with one that includes a fetish I would've said not much at all.

The self reflection has always lead to making very conscious decisions that have taken care of me and the other person and I've liked that. This is new because it's not just a like or interest but who my partner is. I want to make sure I'm comfortable speaking about it so that they know its coming from a relaxed and content place and not anything they need to watch their words about.

Thank you for the advice.

[babykeiff]

It seems to me that, correctly, in a way you wish to compartmentalize your relationship.

In any relationship, one has to selfishly look at what they are gaining from the relationship. Do you feel that your needs as a person are being fulfilled, or have you placed them on the back burner so to speak in order to fulfill the needs of your partner. If your own needs are not being fulfilled, either something has to change or the relationship will fail.

This is reguardless of whether you treat your partner as an adult or as a baby - are your needs being fulfilled, or, as you seem to be trying to ask, does your partner only see you as the role player. I don't think that your partner just sees you as that, as in your question, there is a depth and thought process that shows that the relationship is deeper than simple dominant / submissive or mummy/baby. At the moment, you seem to be doubting that you are the best person for your partner and also trying to quantify your role. You also state that you are concerned that if the mommy/baby role goes, will the relationship continue.

What I can state is that the mommy/baby role is not a caregiver taking care of an infant - i.e. the stereotypical young child perception of playing with baby dolls and mimicing its mother/father in changing the dolls nappy - yet will, at times, hold the same doll by its leg / arm as it carries it.

The mommy/baby role between two adults is much deeper than that. It is a nuturing between two people - and the core of any relationship. Yes, there are times that you sate the infant side of your partner, and in a vanilla relationship between two adults, that does occur, but there are times that your partner sates your needs.

One can try to typecast the roles within a relationship, but will always fail. We are all unique, and as a result, do not fit into a predetermined box. Relationships change over time, so what works today for you, may not work tomorrow - and the same exists with your partner. What I do suggest is that both of you talk to each other on a regular basis, not as mummy/baby, but more as equals where both of you will add something different that day / week / month into the relationship. Whether you keep the new item or not is up to both of you, but keep the relationship new and changing, and enjoyable for the both of you.