careforhim

Thank you. Everything you said makes sense and I know a lot of it will be what works for me or us and there's not one right answer. I know that in every relationship no matter if it's romantic or friendship or family people do things for the other person and know that the other person will do things for them. It sounds very transactional to say you do things to make the other person happy as part of an unspoken agreement that they will do things to make you happy. It's not as simple as doing nice things to get something you want the same way it's not as simple as doing nice things with nothing ever in return. It's not something that's usually a conscious thought or articulated. If you had asked me what I would find difficult about a relationship with someone who's ABDL before I met my partner it would've been very specific to items or acts or behaviours. I wouldn't have mentioned dynamics that are part of every relationship everyone ever has. I have enjoyed the increased communication and intentional choices that I've found in past relationships that have included kink. And if you had asked me if there would be a big difference between a relationship that includes a kink with one that includes a fetish I would've said not much at all. The self reflection has always lead to making very conscious decisions that have taken care of me and the other person and I've liked that. This is new because it's not just a like or interest but who my partner is. I want to make sure I'm comfortable speaking about it so that they know its coming from a relaxed and content place and not anything they need to watch their words about. Thank you for the advice.

My partner introduced me to ABDL and it's been good in all the ways I think they were worried about. Their likes and preferences don't bother me and so far at least I've been 'mummy' and have been enjoying it. There is a sexual aspect to most if not all that we do and I'm not sure how common that is. I don't have any issue with how sexual things are because I've always had relationships where sex is a big part of things. I happen to believe that for my partner this isn't a fetish in the sense of something that's one of their favourite positions but that it is part of their identity in a similar way to how others might identify themselves as male, female, straight, gay, etc. (I apologise if that isn't a great way of expressing it. I know how I feel and think about them but getting my brain to find the right words for those thoughts and feelings is something I'm still working on.) Believing this is who they are has made me wonder about how I fit into things. I'm not sure I know how to articulate what I mean and was hoping that another caregiver or anyone here really, might help me clear up some things in my head. I'd like to feel a bit more clearheaded and also have more or better language to talk to my partner about it. They've gone to so much care to make sure I feel comfortable with things that I would hate to accidentally give any suggestion that any of this make me question our relationship. The best I can explain is that I'm not sure if their bond or attraction to me is because of the role I play in making their wants about diapers and little space possible or if their bond and attraction is towards me as who I am and me playing the mummy role is a bonus thing we enjoy together. I don't want to phrase it as "do they like me or do they like me because I make their diaper/little fantasies come to life" because it sounds too much like "do they love me because I'm me or do they love me because I make it possible for them to get to what they really love or want". That isn't even a blunt version of what I'm wondering because I'm not wondering if it's me or if it's diapers in the sense it's one or the other. I have a close friend that is gay and for various reasons didn't feel comfortable being himself for such a long time. H did what was safe and expected, got married to a woman, had kids, and while everyone is in a good place now there was a lot of difficulties and painful times. I don't know that it's a fair or accurate comparison but it's in my head and I can't seem to not wonder if diapers are my partner's true love/dream relationship and me (or another person even) is just how they get to their true love. If a human partner is a necessary evil - enjoyable, fun, good in a lot of ways, but not their end goal. That sounds again like "pick between me and diapers" or "do you love me or your diapers more" and I really don't feel that's what's in my head. Part of the reason I've loved past partners is because of what they've allowed me to do or how they've made possible things I was interested in so I think it's normal and healthy for those sort of things to be reasons why you love them. I think I'm wondering if me being "mummy" is the reason my partner likes me. I'm looking for (and they said they were as well) a long term relationship. I don't have any interest in asking them to stop being who they are or for us to do less but if I'm thinking long term partner then "what if diapers/mummy/that sexual dynamic becomes impossible - would we still work". Could they be happy with just me or would they have to fantasise about their true love or attraction for us to have a sexual relationship. I apologise if I've said anything hurtful or inaccurate - please correct me. I can't figure out how to put better words to what's in my head. It feels like this might be a common thing in situations where something isn't a kink but is a fetish and must be present.