My untraining journal

[oznl]

1 hour ago, playwithfire said:

Well.......been playing with taking lots of psyllium and end of the day today at work, no protection, thought it was going to be just a fart........it was quite a bit more.  Good thing it was end of day, I could just leave and go home with a bit of a mess in my underwear. 

I'm sure this was a one off from the extra psyllium.  Of course, had a big glass when I got home.  Tomorrow is a day off..........

Overdosing on psyllium has it's consequences ?  I've taken the stuff not recreationally but just to try to get some fibre during some dietary bad periods.  It's probably that I'm in nappies all the time that kind of psychologically lowers the bar but there have been some minor "incidents", all well-contained.  It gets to the point where I start thinking "I'm in a nappy anyway, I'm alone, near changing time, just get comfortable and deal with it later..."

In general, I well remember the very early days of 24/7 where it *seemed* that I was plummeting towards diaper-dependency like a piano out the back of an aircraft.  This however proved to be somewhat self-delusional.  In those first days where everything was novel, any change, however minor, was magnified in significance by my over-enthusiastic mind. 

For me, the truth turned out to be much less dramatic.  The slide into dependency proved to be very, very slow and at times quite boring.  I'm still not there (during the day at least, nights are wet now whether I want them to be or not).

Obviously, YMMV but my suggestion would be don't despair if things seem to stall for you.  For myself and some others, that's just a part of it.

[playwithfire]

28 minutes ago, oznl said:

but my suggestion would be don't despair if things seem to stall for you

I know it is a long journey and I doubt I will stick it out.  If I thought this was all going to really happen I'd probably shit myself.

[oznl]

3 hours ago, playwithfire said:

I know it is a long journey and I doubt I will stick it out.  If I thought this was all going to really happen I'd probably shit myself.

I thought I'd get sick of it in 3 days, maybe a week.  That was in December 2018 just saying ?

[playwithfire]

Noticeable increase in urgency today.  Not sure if it means anything.  Also, I think i might be figuring out reverse kegels  a bit.

[playwithfire]

Life and responsibility are getting in the way of this fetish.  Ugh.....purge time. 

[oznl]

9 hours ago, playwithfire said:

Life and responsibility are getting in the way of this fetish.  Ugh.....purge time. 

Well at least you can see what a purge is.  I've always said this should only be done until we don't want to.  If it's just a couple of days of "down" phase, you can try to punch through it but if its sustains, you can always put this venture back on the shelf for another time.  Just evaluate whether any pain at changing your plans will likely be eclipsed by later regret that you did.  This let me get through a few days here and there but if it had have lasted, I'd have gone looking for underwear.

 

[playwithfire]

13 hours ago, oznl said:

Well at least you can see what a purge is.  I've always said this should only be done until we don't want to.  If it's just a couple of days of "down" phase, you can try to punch through it but if its sustains, you can always put this venture back on the shelf for another time.  Just evaluate whether any pain at changing your plans will likely be eclipsed by later regret that you did.  This let me get through a few days here and there but if it had have lasted, I'd have gone looking for underwear.

 

Thanks for the advice.  I get depressed and escape with indulging in this fetish ( and others although this seemed to overtake the others )

Not sure what it all means or what would make me actually happy/whole.  I suspect I will be away from this for some time but I will likely get depressed again in a similar way and be strongly attracted to this again.  I think I am at least feeling less guilty about my interests even if I haven't figured out what to do about them.

[PuraVidaDip]

Hope you come back!

[DLJeff52]

I've found there is a rhythm to all this.  Escape, Escalate, Eradicate, Embrace.  Yes I tried to practice alliteration whenever possible!

Escape:  I believe that most fetishes either start or become the means to escape reality.  This doesn't mean escape is bad, movies are an escape as is work and other things.  Just because you want to get away from reality for a bit doesn't make it bad. 

Escalate:  Often to achieve the same sense of "relief" from our escaping, we need to escalate the intensity of the escape.  Perhaps this is where the addictive process starts or anchors in us for a season.  Regardless, this is where the acceleration of the fetish or dropping anchor by buying three months of diaper supplies tends to grab hold.

Eradicate:  At some point the escaping reality becomes reality itself!  Here I think people become overwhelmed and obsessed with the fetish or whatever was the initial escape.  This can be scary because we feel like we are too far in the escape and too little in the present.  So fear sets in that we are in fact out of control, so we purge or eradicate.

Embrace:  Somewhere along the way, there can be an acceptance that part of who we are is embodied in the fetish, if you will.  We learn that to accept our full self is to embrace how escape can co-exist with the realities of responsibility in the world.  We merge the two in a way where one doesn't dominate the other and we embrace the experience without abandoning the relationship or professional responsibilities we have.  I'd like to think this is where I've finally landed, but I know the journey is far from linear!  

Hang in there @playwithfire