diaper dimension The Biggest Little - Hiatus

[LittleFenny]

Woohoo! A new Biggest Little! Poor Amy, I don't think she wanted any more surprises.

[diaperboymi]

Wow!!!!  What a Great story!!!! I just binged the whole thing and it's truly Wonderful.   Fantastic character development and Fantastic interaction.   Can't wait for the next chapter.   Thank you!!!!!!

[TestAccountPleaseIgnore]

- Sorry for taking so long. I keep getting chapters to about 70% complete and then sitting on them weeks.

Chapter 11 (Amy) - Thursday Afternoon

 

“Who the fuck are you!”. Burglars don’t typically bring paperwork.

 

“Amy!”. Alex’s reaction means she either knows this woman, or is just being really polite. Pretty sure she draws the line before home invaders.

 

“It’s alright, surprise in a situation like this is perfectly understandable. As I said, I'm Tara Black. I work with the Department of Health and Amazon Services. I was hoping to go over a few things with you before you settle in”. Department of what? Did Alex sign me up for welfare or something?

 

“Sorry, what exactly do you do?”. And can this wait until tomorrow?

 

“I’m part of an agency that focuses on helping a type of Amazon with their interests as well as providing support. Specifically Amazons who have an interest in diapers as an adult”. The word ‘diapers’ echoes in my mind.

 

It’s weird to have the moments you think about in the shower really happen. The recurring fear that I was going to be taken away by government agents in black suits, only to escape due to a level of athletic ability I never had a realistic chance of obtaining. Too bad it’s only the first part, it would have been cool to say I did a back-flip.

 

So doing a back-flip and martial arts is out, but I can run. Or even just yell. Give some speech that would inspire generations to come as I’m taken down by the man, heroically shouting out my last words before being silenced forever. 

 

But I can’t. I can’t move, let alone run or shout. I can’t think. I can’t even breathe.

 

“I’ve got her”. Alex’s voice feels distant even though I can feel her grabbing my waist.

 

My own thoughts feel distant as I struggle to remain in my own body.

 

My back is laid on the ground as I manage to blink for what feels like the first time in years.

 

“Should I make the call?”. A question asked by the home invader turned government agent.

 

“Amy, can you hear me?”. Alex looks to be almost as scared as I am.

 

“You told her”. How could she? I trusted her.

 

“Nice and deep breaths okay?”. Her fingers go to my neck as she checks my pulse.

 

“You told her!”. It’s hard to maintain a stern expression when gasping for breath.

 

“Yes. I’m sorry, but I had to. Please, just let her speak and we can go over everything. She’s not here to take you away or anything else you're scared of”. A sincere plea was not what I was expecting.

 

“You believe her”. My disbelief drips off of each syllable.

 

“You really believe her. Some government agent working on a project that I’ve never heard of, shows up in a black suit and wants to help with a problem that you didn’t even know existed a week ago!”. The blood in my face is pounding, each throb threatens to burst my skin.

 

“Do you trust me?”. Her hand moves from my neck to my forehead. I have never been more thankful for her icy hands.

 

“Yes but,” I’m scarcely able to get out the ‘yes’ before she interrupts me.

“Do you trust me?” The authority in her voice and stare makes it impossible to maintain eye contact.

 

“Yes”. My fate is in her hands.

 

“Okay. I’m going to help you to the couch and then you are going to let Tara finish without interrupting. Is that clear?”. The implied threat helps cement the situation. I’m a hair away from doing something I can’t take back. Breaking Alex’s trust.

 

Grabbing her hand, we hobble over to the couch. We got it for free our freshmen year of college. Lots of free furniture at the end of a term if you don’t mind lugging it back home and dealing with the more questionable stains.

 

“Try to remember to breathe. I’ve already gone over everything with her, there is nothing to worry about”. Lifting my feet up she plops down on the other end of the couch.

 

“I apologize for the surprise, but we figured you would rather have this conversation in private than at the hospital”. Tara’s work must extend far beyond paperwork to have not even flinched since we came in the door.

 

“As I said, I work for an agency that helps adult Amazon’s with an interest in diapers. In this case that takes the form of arranging alternative mental and physical health resources. Simply put, it is making sure you can get treatment at home with the help of Alex, instead of a more traditional path. Namely an inpatient stay in a behavioral health ward”. Not shouting can surprisingly sometimes take more energy than shouting. I feel like I should contact a physicist on account of breaking the laws of thermodynamics.

 

“I can see your confusion, I think it would help if I told you a bit about the history of my agency. 

 

We were founded after an unfortunate series of instances involving adult Amazons with an interest in diapers. As the current treatment of Littles became more foundational to our society, those whose characteristics were perceived as belonging to a Little experienced increased friction. Friction escalated to violence, and in a handful of cases suicide due to hostility and being ostracized.

 

In the interest of all parties involved, my agency was created to help those affected while maintaining the status quo for society. While diapers might be the most obvious signifier, anyone who is seen violating social norms can face retaliation. Including choice of entertainment such as cartoons or having a medical condition like Dwarfism. Amazon society as a whole is intolerant of what it identifies as divergent behavior and reacts harshly.

 

Thus our mission is both to our clients as well as society at large. We help protect all parties through facilitating discretion and secrecy. While each case is unique the goal is the same, to hide the non-confirming aspects of them from society while enabling them to live a rich and fulfilling life with those same aspects.

 

In your case the level of intervention is due to two primary factors. The need for assistance and supervision due to an ongoing mental health crisis, and the belief that your interest in diapers has caused you trauma, no doubt in part due to the previously mentioned social pressure. 

 

Shame is an unfortunate commonality among all our clients.

 

Adhering to our mission, it is my role to make sure that the veil surrounding your interests is maintained, while providing assistance related to your interests. For instance, arranging home-care overseen by Alex, as well as any supplies or equipment as needed to facilitate your care and continued well being.

Do you have any questions?”. I lost the ability to process information sometime after she took her first breath. At least I think she took a breath. Do government agents need to breathe? Or is that only for everyone else?

 

“I’m leaving you some supporting documents if you require further explanation, additionally Alex has my contact information and further resources if required. It was a pleasure meeting you Amy. I hope both of you have a pleasant rest of your day”. Without waiting for a reply she grabs her briefcase and heads to the door.

 

“Oh. One more thing. The reason you had never heard of us is that you never looked. We automatically flag certain words and phrases commonly searched by individuals sharing your interests. It’s very rare for someone to be in your position without triggering something. We do try to keep on top of all prospective clients. Thank you again, and I hope you feel better soon”. The thump of the door closing hangs in the air. 

 

---

 

After a few minutes of staring at the blank TV, trying to make sense of my life, Alex decides to break the silence.

 

“She really has been looking out for you. I can’t imagine the amount of work she put in to make sure you could come home safely”. It’s hard to be grateful to someone who upends your life, no matter what their intentions may be.

 

“So how exactly does this work? She said you were overseeing my care. So are you supposed to be a nurse or something?”. I feel like I already know the answer, but might as well be sure. Got to crush whatever glimmer of hope is left.

 

“I’m your guardian. I’ll be taking you to appointments like a therapist or nutritionist, making sure you eat well, and generally supervising you”. That covers pretty much what I would expect. Hopefully it doesn’t extend to my ‘interests’.

 

“So you’re my parent”. Can’t be any worse than my current one.

 

“Yes. However you are more comfortable thinking about this”. Comfortable is a bit of a stretch given the circumstance.

 

“Good. Anyone is an upgrade from my old mom. I didn’t know I had the option of switching her out”. I would have asked every stranger I came across.

 

“Seems like your sense of humor survived the shock”. If I play my cards right, it might even survive after I do. I plan on writing one hell of a will.

 

“Who’s joking”. Would I have to have been emancipated first? Or could someone have adopted me as is? Not like she wanted me.

 

“I would say be nice, but I’ve met your mother”. We had one sleepover at my house. The rest were at Alex’s.

 

“You mean ex-mother”. This almost makes me want to call her just to tell her she’s been replaced.

 

“If you want to call me mom, I’m not going to stop you”. Well played Alex. Well played.

 

“Can I still call you Alex?”. Ms Miller just doesn’t sound right for Alex.

 

“Of course. I know a lot has changed, but that doesn’t mean everything has to”. I guess the sky isn’t falling after all.

 

Still, I can’t be the only one suffering.

 

“So. You’re really okay with this? I mean I get why my life had to go to hell, but I don’t see why I had to drag you with me”. I can’t imagine wanting to volunteer for something like this.

 

“Yes. Call me crazy, but I think in a few years we are both going to be thankful that this happened. Plus, I couldn’t even entertain the alternatives”. She’s right, I am going to call her crazy.

 

“What about work?”. There isn’t a world where this doesn’t limit her career potential. For someone who is much of a workaholic as her, that might as well be the same as death.

 

“I’m on indefinite paid leave. Tara set up everything. There’s an advantage to having the government advocate for you”. She doesn’t sound bitter. I wonder what sort of deal she got worked out.

 

“How about your social life, your friends. I mean we could probably hide this, but it’s still going to impact it”. Am I going to have to hide in my room constantly? Not like I didn’t anyways.

 

“I told them that you had been in the hospital and that I would be taking some time to help out. It’s not like I won’t be able to see them, just a bit less often”. I doubt she is going to leave me at home. I can play nice if I have to. Sometimes.

 

“How about your mom?”. I don’t think Alex can hide anything from her Mom. At least not for long.

 

“I already talked with her. I’m sorry for violating your privacy so much recently, but I needed to know if I could count on her. She’s a tad confused but supportive. She already knew when she visited you in the hospital, so don’t think she suddenly hates you or anything”. How pathetic must she think I am. I am that pathetic.

 

“You told her everything?”. I don’t think I can look her in the eyes again.

 

“Yes. You should have a bit more trust in the people around you. I can’t promise everyone will react well, but did you really think that this would make her love you any less?”. I’m more worried about how that love would take shape. Alex is already my new parent. I don’t need to hurt my not so secret other parent.

 

I haven’t even been home for 15 minutes and it feels unrecognizable.

 

“Why don’t you watch TV while I make us a snack”. As she moves to the kitchen, I grab the remote and begin to surf channels. I know it’s pointless, there is nothing I would watch that would make sense.

 

I had it all planned out. We were going to order in from the crappy dive bar I like, drink until I can’t remember the last week, and then pass out on my bed and then sleep until I missed enough work to truly be fired. At least my bed still makes sense.

 

“Alex. I’m going to take a nap in my room. Can I eat later? It’s been a long day”. Not like I was going to eat much anyways. Just have a staring contest with it while being ‘helpfully’ reminded that in general all life forms need to intake some form of energy. Mine comes in the form of a caffeinated beverage.

 

“Actually, why don’t you stay on the couch”. I don’t like where this is going.

 

“Why? Is there something wrong with my room? I figured it would be up to health and safety standards after all the cleaning you did”. Her cleaning is what started this whole mess.

 

“There’s nothing wrong with it per se. It’s just that I did some redecorating and I think you have had enough surprises for now”. Now I have to see.

 

Getting up from the couch with the precision of a patient that just had their wisdom teeth removed, I stagger over to my room.

 

“Just remember to breathe. Okay?”. The preemptive grab does not bode well.

 

It’s clean. Well it was clean the last time I saw it, but it’s still a shock. The posters and various artworks mostly remain, notably missing anything that was made of glass. The closet is now sporting a lock. The bookshelf remains, albeit sans miscellaneous knives and blades. No surprises there. The high chair is new, and given its awkward position in the corner is probably just temporary, although it leaves little to the imagination for how meals are going to be handled in the future. No more bedside tables. No more bed. I was expecting it, but it is still a shock to see. An Amazon sized crib, shelves filled with supplies underneath, removing any doubt of its purpose.

 

“I didn’t throw anything out, Mom has it all in storage. Plus, we can swap stuff out if you don’t like something. I know it’s hard to look past the changes, but I really want this to feel like your room”. I grip the door frame for dear life.

 

“You can lay down if you want. I tried to get something as close to your old mattress as possible”. Come on Amy. You at least owe it to her to try it before complaining.

 

Grabbing Alex’s shoulder, we stumble over to the crib. 

 

Sitting down it’s hard to miss the squeak of the plastic sheet. Something I sincerely hope is never needed.

 

“Go ahead and take a nap. It’s okay to skip snack, but just this once”. Alex acting as a parent feels more natural than it should. Then again, she was always the mom of the group (even in her ‘rebellious’ phase she still looked after everyone). It’s not fair that she had to be the responsible one.

 

Closing my eyes I try to shut out all the thoughts swirling around in my head. I’ve never been good at meditation, I don’t always make the best company, even for myself.

 

I should be happy, right? This is everything I’ve always dreamed of and more. Why do I feel so empty? I told myself that when I got out I was finally going to open up, but I think that I knew that was a lie even when I said it. Maybe this is what I need? I clearly can’t run my own life, better to have someone else do it for me. I just wish there wasn’t so much collateral damage. I’m the only one who deserves to be hurt.

 

---

 

It took more than one poke to wake me up.

 

“Sorry to wake you, but dinner is here. I got delivery from that creepy bar you like”. It’s not creepy, it’s an aesthetic. The aesthetic of a cave that has never seen sunlight. In many ways it reminds me of my old bedroom. Maybe someday I’ll go there to reminisce.

 

“Enjoy. I’m going back to sleep”. The hair in my mouth will have to count for dinner.

 

“Sorry, but no can do. Although if you really don’t want to get up I’ve got some meal replacement shakes and a bottle. Your choice”. I don’t know how it is possible to make something that tastes more like chalk than chalk.

 

“Fine. You win. The food at the hospital sucked enough. No need to recreate it at home”. Plus they make really good sweet potato fries.

 

“Here. You left her in the car. That’s not a very nice way to treat a friend”. She’s right. Someone in my top three, Pokey deserves better.

 

“I can’t tell if you are teasing or serious”. Her enthusiasm is hard to discern.

 

“Can’t it be both”. Sticking her tongue out as emphasis.

 

“She fits my new room a lot better than my old”. I don’t think Alex knew where this was heading when she bought her, but it certainly feels like it.

 

“Is that a bad thing?”. She would have been part of my old room if I had the courage to actually go out and buy what I wanted.

 

“No, just different”. Nothing lasts forever. Even rock stars get old.

 

“Come on. Let’s eat”. Placing Pokey at the head of my bed, I saunter to the kitchen table.

 

Alex out did herself. There is a pile of boxes on our table. I don’t know how she expects us to even make a dent.

 

“I know it’s a lot of food, but I wanted you to be able to have a variety. Plus, it will make good leftovers”. We will be eating this for the rest of the week.

 

“Wow. Thank you. Really”. She’s been trying a lot to make this work, and all I’ve been is a grouch.

 

“You’re welcome. Now I already talked to the nutritionist and they recommend I make a plate for you. So point out what you want and I’ll portion it”. I don’t think ‘none’ is an acceptable answer in this circumstance. Plus it smells pretty good.

 

“Um. Sorry, it’s pretty overwhelming. I pretty much like everything they make. Can you just pick for me? With some sweet potato fries please”. I don’t want to spend all my energy picking out the food when I still have to eat it.

 

“Here. You are welcome to have more if you want, but try to just focus on this”. She hands me what is objectively a small plate of food, but it still feels too much. I’m not sure if being self aware of my distortions is helpful or not.

 

“Welcome home Amy”. It’s a different home, but it is still a home.

 

“Thanks. Not exactly what I was expecting home to be, but it is starting to feel like it”. Except for everything in my bedroom, it really isn’t that different. Even if my best friend is legally in charge.

 

“Try to eat what you can, okay? I’ve got a treat for you, but only if you make a serious effort”. I really don’t want any more surprises, but I’m sure this is a good one. The only issue is the plate of food in the way.

 

The conversation dies down as I try to focus. It helps to get into a mechanical rhythm. No thinking or even awareness. Just fork to face and chew.

 

Even machines have limits. A bit over half the plate left and I’m all out of steam.

 

“Two more bites. Two more bites and you get your treat. Hint it’s beer”. That is a strong motivator.

 

“I kind of assumed that I would have to say goodbye to alcohol in all its many forms”. I’m pretty much being treated as a kid. Even the ‘cool’ moms have limits.

 

“You’re still an adult. Just one with some unusual circumstances. You can have beer as long as it is in moderation and I’m supervising”. Ah, so the cool parents to a teen approach. Works for me.

 

“Speaking of unusual circumstances. How exactly is all the stuff in my bedroom coming into play?”. I’m sure it is in the paperwork we didn’t get to.

 

“I’ll tell you, but first uphold your end of the bargain. Two bites”. Dipping my head back down I try to work through it. My mouth feels like it is glue. Why does my brain make it so hard to keep it alive? It knows it needs my body, right?

 

“Thank you. I’ll go get your prize”. Alex pops up and returns with a bottle from my favorite brewery.

 

“Here. And to answer your question the short answer is you will be wearing it. It doesn’t have to be all the time, and it doesn’t have to be outside if you don’t want to, but I do expect you to wear them at home unless there is a good reason why you shouldn’t”. I drink my beer to avoid saying something stupid. It wasn’t like I didn’t already know the direction this was going. At least there is some saving grace. I would probably have a heart attack before stepping one foot outside wearing that.

 

“So. Um. What about you know. Do I have to, Um”. The cringe is overwhelming.

 

“Use them? Part of that depends on your therapist. At a bare minimum, it is expected that you try it at least once. You talk with them tomorrow so they will be able to go into more detail”. I need a lot more than one beer for this conversation.

 

“So, what about the rest of the stuff?”. I think eating the rest of the plate would be preferable to this.

 

“The highchair will be used for meals starting tomorrow. It’s not only to help you fight any internalized shame, but is practical too. Can’t run away from a meal when you can’t leave your chair”. This is worse than having to look at baby photos of yourself with your extended family.

 

“As for the crib, well I’m sure you figured out that’s where you’re sleeping. Same benefits as the highchair. Another tool to help out emotionally and practically". I’m sure if she had her laptop out I would be getting a presentation on all the ‘benefits’.

 

“Are you actually going to put the side up? Not that I’m going to, but you know I can climb right?”. Getting down on the other side might not be that graceful, but it would still work.

 

“I will be putting up the side at night. Also there’s a top that slides over. I’m surprised you didn’t notice, it’s on the back”. So a cage and a crib.

 

“Seriously? Isn’t that several steps too far?”. Pretty sure even psych wards don’t put you in a cage at night.

 

“Amy, I need to keep you safe, and I can’t look after you when I’m asleep. You’re not going to be left home alone or anything, and we share a wall. You can knock if you need me”. This is really my fate. How am I the only one who thinks this is crazy?

 

“What if I have to go to the bathroom?”. Why did I have to ask?

 

“You’re a smart girl. I’m sure you’ll figure it out”. I’m just going to have to learn to hold it for a really long period of time.

 

“Come on. I got some trashy movies to watch until bedtime. If you are really good you can have a second beer”. Always a strong motivator.

 

Alex puts on some forgettable rom-com as I nurse my allotment of alcohol for the night.

 

This is what Friday night would have been like if I had been less of an idiot. Only took a week to get some sense drilled into my head. Well six days. I am 14.2857% less stubborn than implied. 

 

---

 

I managed to make it through the first part of the movie. It’s hard to be invested when the script reads like it was generated by an AI.  My increasing yawning signals to both of us that my time left awake is measured in minutes.

 

“Bedtime. I’ll unlock your bathroom so you can brush your teeth”. I don’t even question why my bathroom would be locked.

 

My time in the hospital has made me oddly comfortable being watched doing mundane if still private tasks. Still, it’s hard to focus on brushing when I’m pretty sure I know what comes next.

 

“Okay. Just your meds and then you will be almost all set”. I can swallow a handful of pills sans water. It’s a weird thing to brag about, but it makes me feel cool. Too bad it doesn’t matter as Alex makes me take them with water. Stupid responsible supervision.

 

“I’ll get the supplies out for you. I can help if you want, or I can stand outside the door”. That’s an easy choice.

 

“Outside please”. Why is she so comfortable with this? Sure we have seen each other naked a handful of times, but that doesn’t mean it feels comfortable. 

 

“I promise there is nothing to worry about. I don’t think any less of you for any of this”. I think less of me for it.

 

Alex finishes setting out a changing pad, box of wipes, a thing of powder, and the thickest diaper I have ever seen or imagined. Whatever shred of subtle the incontinent aids from the grocery store had is gone. In its place is a man shouting through a megaphone with fireworks going off around him. I don’t think I can even wear pants over this.

 

Still, this is what I wanted. This is what has caused me so much pain and anguish. Alex casually did what I could never do.

Taking off my pants and panties, I lay down on the crib and place the pad under me. 

 

My hands are shaking as I gather up the rest of the supplies around me. It’s not like this is a complicated process. It’s designed so even the most sleep deprived of parents can still make it work. My body is too stunned to function properly.

 

Next I unfold the diaper and lay it out. This is ridiculous. I can feel my hips raised up. It’s comfy, I’ll give it that.

 

Skipping the wipes I move onto the powder. It’s not like anything down there needs cleaning.

It takes an embarrassing 30 seconds of struggling to open the powder before I realize that it has a child-proof top. Make that a child-proof and Amy proof top. I’ve been less nervous for college exams.

 

Sprinkling some over myself I realize that I have no idea how much to use. It probably doesn’t matter for now. Not like I’m going to use this. I’m just going to set all those conflicting thoughts off to the side. Future Amy can sort out that mess. She has proven herself to be oh so competent in the past.

 

Finally I fold the ‘sides?’ and secure them in place. How is it that I don’t even know the basic terminology for something that is obsessively in my thoughts? Right, fear. Duh.

 

I am Amy Silvers and I am wearing a real diaper for the first time since being a literal baby. Even my cynicism can’t dampen my enthusiasm.

 

Giving it a few pokes to make sure it’s real, I still am struggling to believe this. 

 

A knock on the door breaks my trance.

 

“Everything okay in there?”. Diving under the covers I knock the wipes and power off the crib. Thankfully I had put the cap back on the powder. Otherwise I would probably never be allowed to be left alone again.

 

“It’s fine. Sorry, just finished”. I was more composed when she walked in on me masturbating in college. At least that is something pretty much everyone does. I’m pretty sure the average person has a higher view of murderers than this.

 

“I’m coming in”. I had the covers up to my chin as my hands held them firmly in place.

 

“I’m good. Just really tired. It’s been a long day”. I can barely hold back nervous laughter.

 

“Amy, lower the covers”. Over my dead body. I can barely handle seeing myself like this. No way am I letting anyone else ever see me.

 

“Everything is fine. Really. I’m just going to go right to sleep. It’s been a long day”. I really did want to go to sleep. Nervous energy aside, I’m exhausted.

 

“Let’s see. Someone who pretends to do something they are embarrassed about and then hides it. Sounds like anyone we know? I’m giving you to the count of three”. Come on Amy. Just do it. You lose either way, might as well get it over with.

 

“Fine”. Throwing the covers back I preemptively wince.

 

“Thank you. I’m sorry if you are embarrassed, but that is part of what we are working on”. Scrambling to grab the covers, I pull them back to my chin. I really hope the sleep meds kick in soon. I don’t want to be conscious right now.

 

Alex reaches past me and slides the top up and then raises the side. I am truly trapped. Still, not as scary as the hospital.

 

“I’ll be back with a bottle of water. Don’t worry about the morning. I’ll take care of it. Good night Amy”. She pats my head before turning off the lights and heading to the kitchen.

 

“Good night”. Grabbing Pokey I try to settle in. The exhaustion and meds hit me like a wave. I’m fast asleep before Alex comes back.

[Guilend]

Yay another wonderful chapter. 

[TestAccountPleaseIgnore]

Hey,

I'm putting this on hiatus.

I've really enjoyed writing this, and want to continue it at some point.

However, it is been really hard to put so much creative energy and passion into a project I have to hide from everyone in my life. I'll be taking a break to work on something I can actually talk to them about.

Thanks for everyone who has read this, when I do come back to this I'll post another update. Although it may be awhile.

[BobbyDrago]

4 minutes ago, TestAccountPleaseIgnore said:

Hey,

I'm putting this on hiatus.

I've really enjoyed writing this, and want to continue it at some point.

However, it is been really hard to put so much creative energy and passion into a project I have to hide from everyone in my life. I'll be taking a break to work on something I can actually talk to them about.

Thanks for everyone who has read this, when I do come back to this I'll post another update. Although it may be awhile.

Take all the time you need i think we all understand the stress of hiding things from friends and family and when its magnified by something your both really proud of but cant show it must suck big

[diaperboymi]

Take your time.  Got to take care of yourself first ??????

[Guilend]

It’s okay. Take care of yourself.