Bad night

[DailyDi]

Had a bad night. Was listening to new-to-me music and came upon a song about someone committing suicide for reasons that hit too close to home, which triggered my own suicidal desires. Cried for an hour and took forever to fully calm down and sleep.

[Little Cub Pants]

31 minutes ago, DailyDi said:

Had a bad night. Was listening to new-to-me music and came upon a song about someone committing suicide for reasons that hit too close to home, which triggered my own suicidal desires. Cried for an hour and took forever to fully calm down and sleep.

Wow! That's dark as fuck Mikey!??? that's gotta be rough. I've been there a couple of times in my life and it's not fun at all. Nobody ever wants to commit suicide, it's just that they feel they have to because of their situation, whatever situation that is. And I will never judge a person for committing suicide. I know where they're coming from. Life's full of a lot of bullshit and sometimes they just don't want to put up with that anymore. And they have every right to. Although it is unfortunate, but then again that's their choice love it or hate it.

[id0ntknow]

Reminds me of a bad experience I had with music once. I was listening to a group called Dope, specifically their song Die MF Die on the way to work. When I got to work, I found out that someone I worked with had died over the weekend. I had heard it might have been an allergic reaction to a medicine, but I've always feared her heart gave out. Every day at work she would have at least 2 energy drinks as well as 2 or 3 of the Starbucks double shot espresso drinks. I've never listened to that song again since then, even though before that I really liked it. I just thought it was eerie how I'm listening to it, and then I hear that news.

[DailyDi]

2 hours ago, BabySpiderBoy said:

Wow! That's dark as fuck Mikey!??? that's gotta be rough. I've been there a couple of times in my life and it's not fun at all. Nobody ever wants to commit suicide, it's just that they feel they have to because of their situation, whatever situation that is. And I will never judge a person for committing suicide. I know where they're coming from. Life's full of a lot of bullshit and sometimes they just don't want to put up with that anymore. And they have every right to. Although it is unfortunate, but then again that's their choice love it or hate it.

Yes, I hate people who say suicide "is the cowards way out." They do not understand the power of depression and mental illness. I have wanted to die since I was 15 or so, and fight frequent dark episodes. Even well-medicated I don't want to lie to be a hundred, I just can keep the darkness at arms length. Suicide isn't "the easy way" it's loosing a battle with your own mind.

[Little Cub Pants]

2 hours ago, DailyDi said:

Yes, I hate people who say suicide "is the cowards way out." They do not understand the power of depression and mental illness. I have wanted to die since I was 15 or so, and fight frequent dark episodes. Even well-medicated I don't want to lie to be a hundred, I just can keep the darkness at arms length. Suicide isn't "the easy way" it's loosing a battle with your own mind.

I never thought of it like that before!? But yeah, that's very true. The mind is hard to tame. The mental world is a hard world to live in too. I would argue even more difficult, because physical pain Is a lot easier to deal with then mental pain in comparison. It takes a lot longer to heal from mental pain for various reasons, sometimes even years. And even then you're not the same after that.?

[id0ntknow]

5 hours ago, DailyDi said:

Yes, I hate people who say suicide "is the cowards way out." They do not understand the power of depression and mental illness. I have wanted to die since I was 15 or so, and fight frequent dark episodes. Even well-medicated I don't want to lie to be a hundred, I just can keep the darkness at arms length. Suicide isn't "the easy way" it's loosing a battle with your own mind.

Thank you Mikey. I feel very much like you in this subject. I would hate to live to be 100, and would much rather die well before that. I also agree 100% with your stance on "the cowards way out". My mom has told me that before too, and I hate hearing it. As far as your last statement, I would like to paraphrase a video I saw on youtube from Game Theory. "You can win a lot of battles, but it only takes one loss".

[DailyDi]

2 hours ago, id0ntknow said:

Thank you Mikey. I feel very much like you in this subject. I would hate to live to be 100, and would much rather die well before that. I also agree 100% with your stance on "the cowards way out". My mom has told me that before too, and I hate hearing it. As far as your last statement, I would like to paraphrase a video I saw on youtube from Game Theory. "You can win a lot of battles, but it only takes one loss".

In a way, I take comfort in knowing that I can loose the battle. You know, if it gets "THAT" bad it's okay, but today isn't that day. I can beat it today.

[id0ntknow]

4 minutes ago, DailyDi said:

In a way, I take comfort in knowing that I can loose the battle. You know, if it gets "THAT" bad it's okay, but today isn't that day. I can beat it today.

Stay strong Mikey, and know that you always have support here just like you've helped to support so many of us.

[DailyDi]

1 minute ago, id0ntknow said:

Stay strong Mikey, and know that you always have support here just like you've helped to support so many of us.

Thanks!

[square_duck]

My family has its own issues with mental illness, and (supposedly) depression and suicide. I heard that a distant relative killed themselves, but this was a very long time ago... And only a rumor.

Not to make lite of the issue, there are a couple of things that I heard and or learned that might "help"....

"Suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem"

 "People who are depressed, live in the past. People who are anxious, live in the future, and people at peace live in the present" 

I have found this to be interesting food for thought, and possibly a tool to help with episodes of depression or anxiety. Being conscious of your state at that time though is difficult, as these are also tied to emotions, and emotion blocks thought. Fighting through this is hard, but can be done. 

Personally, (and I know this will sound very wierd) I am sensitive to 'negitive energy'. When exposed to it, or...'under attack by it" it causes me to become very agitated and be in a generally bad grumpy mood, which us NOT my normal state of mind. It has taken me years to identify tjis, and figure out what to do about it, or how to deal with it. Being agitated is an emotional state, so being able to "think" and realize what was happening was difficult. But I finally am able to become more aware of it, and tell myself that I am experiancing the effects of negative energy, and do something to counter act its effects, such as say a short protective prayer, or meditate and ask for help over coming the event. 

Again, I know it sounds wierd, but thats part of my life....such as it is. I am "psychic", it drives me nuts, and I have spent a good amount of time of my life trying to push it away. It wont leave, as it is how I am "wired" So, I finally decided to embrace it, and try and learn how to work with it. 

Sometimes I think I'm 'qwazy' , but knowing I am somehow connected to the energy of the universe helps.... I just need to keep learning how to use it better, and maybe be able to help others at some point.

I know this is a bit if a ramble, but I also hope it helps somehow....

I know meds help and a lot of mental issues are a result of imbalances in brain chemestry, but a lot can be done internally as well, by changing ir being aware of thinking and thoughts in general.

Meditation in this area has helped me a lot...just my 2¢.

[DailyDi]

2 hours ago, square_duck said:

My family has its own issues with mental illness, and (supposedly) depression and suicide. I heard that a distant relative killed themselves, but this was a very long time ago... And only a rumor.

 

It definitely runs in the family on my Mom's side. Several suicides (most recently a suicide-by-cop by a distant cousin) and plenty of self-medicating depressed folks.

I think I need a bit of a med-tweak when I see my provider again next month. I'm a little too on-the-edge emotions-wise. Ready to cry over anything, and easily pushed into dark corners.