Depressed

[saltedcaramel64]

Ive struggled with depression for some time.  I have drs and meds.  Some days are still very bad.  I often feel misanthropic.  Like our whole species is vile.  I feel ashamed to be part of the human race.  I dont wish any harm on anyone.  I dont feel angry or hatefull.  I just feel intense sadness.  I wish I could seperate myself from humanity.  I wish I could look in the mirror and say

" look. Im not one of them"

But the truth always looks back at me.  It knows Im part of humanity whether I like it or not and I cannot live an isolated life without humanity.  I need it, but it doesnt need me.  

I am a tool without purpose.  Surrounded by people yet lonely.  Desperate for compassion yet fearful and distant.  

Im depressed.

[DailyDi]

I too struggle with depression episodes despite being well-medicated. While my despair is more inner-focused hurt it hurt. You have my prayers and hugs!

[KittyMerriweather]

Depression is such a heavy burden.

 

But you are wrong about one thing though. You absolutely can look in the mirror & say I am not a part of this.  You absolutely can decide not my circus. You can live different than them, and bloom where you are planted.  Oak trees do it every day!!

[~Brian~]

On 7/22/2021 at 10:11 PM, KittyMerriweather said:

Depression is such a heavy burden.

 

But you are wrong about one thing though. You absolutely can look in the mirror & say I am not a part of this.  You absolutely can decide not my circus. You can live different than them, and bloom where you are planted.  Oak trees do it every day!!

@saltedcaramel64

As @KittyMerriweatherand @DailyDi say, depression is REAL and nothing to mess with.  It can be and often is a heavy burden.  I have also dealt with it myself:  What happens to me is, that something that I remember from my past brings the feelings forward, and most times, I can deal with it. by remembering happy thoughts, or by realizing that when I miss someone, it IS normal for you to experience emotions, and some of them are not ones that you can control.  What I mean by this is, something that normally is benign, like a picture of someone, a song that reminds you of something in the past, or a loved one, a poem, a posting, a situation, a memory - They ALL can elicit responses and can make you feel depressed.

Case in point:  Like @DailyDi I stay close to home:  I don't get a chance to go very many places anymore, as my family is getting older, doing their own things, or they are a long distance away:  I still have memories of when me and my Dad and my brothers used to camp and fish at Groton State Forest, in Groton, VT, and times when my grandparents. aunts and uncles and cousins would spend with me are memories that I always remember.  As time goes on, the memories are still there, are VIVID, and memorable, but the people I remember have passed on:  This means that sometimes, I get those feelings, or visions, or trigger cues, and while most times it is something I can handle, there are times when I just lose it - When I say "lose it" I mean CRYING so HARD that may have to clear my head, and just let it OUT:  This happened last summer for me during the worst of the pandemic:  I am close to my brothers, and I have NOT seen James for almost 2 years in person, but I ZOOM with him and my brother Eric quite often, and I have all of their numbers in my phone, so if I feel like I want to talk to them, I call them, or text them.  When I "lost it" last summer, I called James, and talked to him, which allowed me to "reset." 

In May of '21, I went back on my depression meds:  My father, stepmother, and brother James suggested it:  I could TELL that it was a good decision, because I was anxious while I had a friend visiting me for a week then, and I was running ragged.  When he came back to visit again in July, I was less anxious, and he was as well, because he was in a place where he knew where he was (Montpelier) and since he had lived here for YEARS before moving to NH, he had the freedom, and the ability to be in the area, rather than to worry about being in an unfamiliar place:  This visit was awesome, because he was able to enjoy himself more, and I was able to relax, and not have reactions that send my body into overdrive, where spastic reactions can cause my body to hurt, itch, etc.

I am glad I went back on my depression meds:  I also know in my head when something does not feel right, and I will tell the doctor when I don't feel "right."  This is so I don't do anything silly, or hurt myself or others.  They ask me the "suicide protocol questions" and I assure them that if I feel like that, that they would get a call RIGHT AWAY!  Sometimes though, I think some of this may be due to years and years of negativity that has affected me, because my mom thought that the only way to get a point across was to YELL at me, and I felt like I was always WRONG, even if I knew i was right.  This is the type of "noise" I wish I could bag up and lock away, since it only serves to cloud issues sometimes, and brings me down - Dad has been quite helpful when I get this way, and his counsel has helped me to see that it is NOT me that is the issue

@KittyMerriweather is right:  You can say "I'm not gonna let this get me down, I am going to take control of this, even if I can't control it sometimes." You can decide that you will live differently, and not sign on to the "circus of craziness."  You can decide to NOT let what people say or do bother you so much, and you can decide to not associate with those who's aim is to drag your POSITIVE energy away.  This is hard for me, but I have learned that you don't have to feel bad - You have to live the way you think is right - You have to be HAPPY, and if you are not, you should make changes.

--Now, If I could only take my own advice sometimes

Good Luck!

Brian

 

[saltedcaramel64]

Thank you for the supportive words.  Im feeling a little better as my depressive cycle runs its course.  Sometimes I wish I could still get a lobotomy.  Living without emotions often seems better to me than living with hopelessness and despair.  Emotions seem to be what make us human, for better or for worse.  They give people a reason to keep going or a reason to quit life.