Allowance (One & Done)

[TheUnknownAuthor]

Allowance

By: The Unknown Author

 

“Tommy!” I called up the stairs, holding the banister as I looked upward, waiting for my little man to appear.

 

I heard the shuffling of his socked feet before he came into view, looking down the stairs at me quizzically. “Yes, Mommy?” he asked softly.

 

I smiled at him. “Come down here for a minute, sweetheart, it’s allowance day!” I chirped.

 

Taking hold of the railing, he trudged down the stairs making sure to not move down further until both feet were on a step, just how I’d shown him until he finally reached the bottom.

 

I sat on the back of the couch smiling at him warmly. “You’ve been a very good boy this month, honey.” I told him.

 

He nodded. “Yes, Mommy.” he agreed.

 

“Good boys get rewarded with a bigger allowance, don’t they, sweetie?” I asked him.

 

He nodded once more. “Yes, Mommy.” he agreed.

 

“What did we agree on, twenty?” I asked.

 

He looked up at me and said nothing for a long moment, the gears in his mind working. “It was ten, Mommy.” he corrected.

 

I smiled at him, pleased that he’d learned his lesson from the last time he tried to get a bigger allowance. “Silly Mommy, of course it was ten!” I exclaimed, playfully smacking my forehead which produced a giggle from him. “So, what would you like your ten to be, sweetie?” I asked him.

 

We’d done this dance three months in a row now, me offering him an allowance based on his behavior, the first month being one because he was still adjusting to his new role, he’d opted for his one to be “a night with Mommy in her bed”, thinking that such a request would result in sex no doubt, he was adorably disappointed when he was double diapered “to protect Mommy’s mattress” and made to nurse his bottle while I read him a story and made him my little spoon as he sullenly sucked his binky and fell asleep. The second month saw him adjusting quite well and his one became five as a reward for his good behavior, he requested “five minutes of intimacy with Mommy”, and I allowed him to satisfy my needs for five minutes while he whimpered and whined that his chastity cage was hurting his “peepee” and when the five minutes were up he was sent right to bed frustrated and unsatisfied while I finished the job he’d been woefully unprepared to complete.

 

This month I was sure would be different, he’d been so well behaved and fallen so effortlessly into his role as baby that I didn’t think the concept of sex was even still on his mind. I hadn’t seen a single sticky mess in his diapers for the entire month, not since his last attempt at intimacy with me, and even that was just dribbles of excitement, nothing substantial. He’d grown accustomed to the routine of Sunday night being his night for release, first he’d have his dinner, then I’d give him his bath and then when he was laying on the changing table for his nighttime diapering I’d remove his chastity cage and stimulate his prostate for what had become a comically short time until he spurted his little mess into a wet wipe in my hand and I’d praise him for being a good baby and lock him back up and diaper him and put him in his crib for the night where he slept peacefully after thanking me for letting him cum.

 

He shuffled his feet nervously, hands behind his back as he looked up at me, the heels I wore around him in his now constant while at home bare feet serving to make me much taller than him and cement the concept of our roles of adult and baby in his mind. “May I have ten minutes of grownup time with Mommy?” he asked softly.

 

I was so disappointed that I couldn’t help but sigh and roll my eyes at the request, I was sure he’d learned by now that he wasn’t going to win me back, that nothing he could manage to do with his silly little peepee would change my perception of him, but boys will be boys. “What would you like to have happen in that ten minutes, baby?” I asked, genuinely curious to know whether I’d rushed to judgment or not.

 

He shrugged. “Nothing special, I just want to pretend for a little bit that we’re still married.” he explained.

 

I smiled and stroked his hair softly, absently noting that it was probably long enough to give him a ponytail or even pigtails, thoughts of starting to introduce more feminine things into his routine crossing my mind and being put away for later. “Sweetie, we’re still married.” I reassured him. “Remember what we talked about?” I asked him.

 

He nodded softly.

 

“What did we talk about, baby?” I asked him.

 

He chewed his lip, something I’d come to recognize as a desire for his thumb or binky to be in his mouth because he was apprehensive about what he had to say or do. “I was a naughty husband and Mommy was gonna leave if I didn’t agree to be a good boy and follow all of Mommy’s rules.” he said.

 

I nodded. “And what else?” I asked.

 

He shifted nervously and I wondered if his training pants were dampening as he stood in front of me, but decided to let it slide in the name of reinforcing the boundaries of our roles. “Mommy still loves me, but not in a grownup way anymore.” he finally said.

 

I smiled and nodded, playing with his hair some more. “And why is that?” I asked.

 

He swallowed hard and his eyes began to water. “Because I’m a baby.” he told me.

 

I threw my arms around him and rubbed his back softly. “You’re Mommy’s baby, sweetie, and Mommy will take care of you forever and ever as long as you’re a good boy and follow the rules, right?” I asked.

 

He mumbled an affirmative, his thumb blocking the majority of his words from escaping his mouth, the scent of urine beginning to surround us as I hugged him, confirming my earlier suspicion.

 

I pulled him away from me and smiled as his thumb flew back into his mouth as though it was the only thing keeping him from falling apart and dried his eyes with my thumbs. “You can have ten minutes of grownup time with Mommy if that’s what you really want, baby, but you need to know that it won’t change anything between us.” I told him. “Remember the last two times you tried to show Mommy you were a big boy?” I asked.

 

He sheepishly nodded and sniffled.

 

“And look at where we are after that,” I said, “you’re on the verge of tears, sucking your thumb and Mommy’s pretty sure you’ve had an accident in your big boy panties, haven’t you?” I asked.

 

He sucked his thumb harder and stifled a weak sob as he nodded shamefully.

 

“How can Mommy see you as a grownup when she has to put a frowny face on your potty chart and put you back in diapers for the rest of the day, sweetie?” I asked.

 

He sniffled and sobbed and pathetically shrugged his shoulders.

 

“Mommy thinks you should pick something better for your ten, baby, something that won’t make you sad.” I told him. “What about ten,” I drew the word out as I thought of a suggestion, “pieces of candy from the store!” I offered, knowing he had a sweet tooth.

 

He glumly shook his head.

 

“What about ten kisses on that cute little tummy while Mommy gets you changed?” I cooed, giving his stomach a little tickle.

 

He squirmed and pulled away and shook his head once more.

 

I was starting to become annoyed with his fussiness and resolved to put an end to it once and for all. “If you don’t stop pouting, Mommy’s going to decide on something for you, and right now she’s thinking ten days of being a little girl might be fun.” I threatened, targeting whatever shred of masculinity he had left.

 

He fell right into the trap as he stomped his foot and glared at me, the last act of defiance I was going to tolerate that day.

 

I stood up and took his hand in mine as I started to ascend the stairs to his room. “What should we call you?” I mused aloud. “Tammy is the obvious choice, but that’s a name for trailer park bimbo’s and Floridian strippers.” I continued as I pulled him along up the stairs, stopping when his hand slipped from mine and he landed with his hands on the steps and his knees on the lower steps looking up at me pleadingly. “Crawl up the stairs behind Mommy, baby.” I commanded as I resumed my climb and waited at the top looking down at my pathetic baby husband.

 

“I don’t wanna be a girl!” he whined.

 

I crossed my arms in front of my chest. “And I don’t want peepee dribbles on my stairs, so get moving young lady!” I said calmly but forcefully, delighting in the visible shiver he displayed at my tone.

 

His lower lip jutted out as he began to crawl up the stairs, his tears falling down his cheeks and onto the stairs as he took one step at a time on his ascent to his new role.

 

When he reached the top I helped him to his feet and took his hand once again and led him to his room, a perfect representation of his various stages of development encapsulated in one space. One half of the room was for his baby side, fully stocked changing table, crib, little penned in area with soft toys, and the other was for when he was behaving, a toddler bed, a small desk with a computer for him to play games and visit age appropriate websites on and bigger boy toys spilling from the toy box and littering the floor.

 

“Look at this mess, why didn’t you clean your room like Mommy asked?” I asked him.

 

He stammered a weak excuse of planning to do it but I’d called him downstairs just as he was about to start.

 

I sighed. “Well, Mommy will just have to clean up another of your messes today, won’t she?” I asked rhetorically.

 

He’d resumed sucking his thumb and resigned himself to silent acceptance of his fate.

 

I turned and knelt in front of him. “Speaking of messes.” I said as I pulled his pants down to reveal his sodden training pants, noting that he’d actually dampened the front of his shorts with his accident. “Clearly these were a mistake.” I commented, touching the front of the garment and holding my wet fingers to his nose. “Did you even think about asking Mommy for the potty?” I asked him.

 

He wrinkled his nose and pulled away from the offending smell as he shook his head.

 

“I thought as much.” I told him. “I suppose it’s back to diapers for a while then, huh?” I asked in mock disappointment.

 

He pulled his thumb from his mouth and started to speak but I gave him my “Mommy’s not interested in hearing your excuses” look and he popped his thumb right back where it came from.

 

I smiled as I stood and looked around the room. “You know, if we got rid of this big boy stuff, which you clearly don’t need, we could set up a pretty little princess castle for you to play in.” I teased, delighting in the shades of pink and red his little cheeks cycled through. “Ooh, we could get you a pretty unicorn rocking horse and put a special toy on the seat for when you’re a good girl!” I continued, knowing that he was close to breaking down completely, leaving him completely cowed and ready for whatever I had in mind for him.

 

He was shaking his head vigorously at every suggestion, but the little bump in the front of his training panties betrayed him.

 

“No?” I asked as I knelt back down and put my fingers to his pathetic little nub, stroking it gently through the thick, wet fabric. “Are you sure?” I cooed. “Don’t you want to be Mommy’s pretty little princess?” I asked with a fake pout.

 

He shook his head but stood there, trembling on the verge of having another accident at the slightest bit of attention shown to his diminished manhood.

 

“I think you’re fibbing, baby.” I told him. “I think you want to make a sticky mess in your little training panties and then show Mommy what a baby you truly are by squatting down and making a stinky for her.” I explained, whispering each word softly into his ear, feeling him begin to twitch and spurt against my fingers. “See, you’re practically begging Mommy to put your hair in cute little pigtails and buy you all kinds of pretty little dresses, aren’t you?” I asked him.

 

He shook his head weakly, the fight nearly gone from him as tears of shame poured from his eyes.

 

“If you’re a good girl, maybe Mommy will start looking for a Daddy for you.” I whispered. “Would you like it if Mommy brought a big strong man home?” I asked. “You could sit on his lap and Mommy could teach you how to give him special kisses on his Daddy parts so you get a big surprise.” I continued, watching in delight as he started to lower himself into a squat. “Mommy and Daddy could tuck their little princess in her crib for the night and then go to their room to try and make you a little brother or sister.” I said as he closed his eyes and began to grunt. “If you poop your panties you’re telling Mommy that you want all of those things, baby.” I reminded him.

 

His eyes opened slowly and he looked up at me with a calm I’d yet to see from him outside of his Sunday routine, and I knew that I’d stumbled upon something even he hadn’t been aware he’d wanted. As the sounds of the back of his panties began to fill the room I stroked his hair and kissed his forehead and he pulled his thumb from his mouth and smiled up at me “Can my name be Wendy, like in Peter Pan?” he asked softly, his voice lighter and sweeter than I’d ever heard.

 

I nodded and kissed his forehead again. “Of course.” I told her. “Wendy is a lovely name for such a pretty little girl.” I whispered.

 

*****Epilogue*****

 

Five years had passed since that afternoon when Tommy was expelled from my princess and Wendy was born into the world. I’d made good on the details in my story, stripping all traces of Tommy from the house and turning the nursery into a gorgeous princess haven for my darling baby Wendy. She took my last name when we legally changed her name to Wendy and agreed that she wanted to be adopted by me, and after the divorce was made final we did just that. When I started dating I introduced her to my suitors first thing and made sure that everyone was clear on the terms of a relationship with me, that I was a single parent to a very special little girl, and dozens of men came and went in the face of such strange circumstances.

 

Ross was different, he was instantly kind and compassionate to Wendy, and she took an immediate shine to him as well, giving him a goodnight hug and kiss after the first night we’d all spent together after I’d met him at the gym. I never told Wendy this, but Ross and I had been quite amorous prior to him meeting her. He was strong and dominant, nothing like what Tommy had been when we’d started dating. I learned quickly that he’d be a perfect fit as a Daddy for Wendy when he introduced me to his hand as I draped myself over his lap in a hotel room one afternoon after we left the gym. Spanking had been something I’d used to keep Tommy in line in the beginning, and the thrill of having someone take control and spank me was exhilarating if not a little shameful.

 

Diapers entered our dynamic shortly after he met Wendy, that first time laying on the bed with a glowing red bottom, sniffling and whimpering behind a pacifier as he gently applied cool cream to my backside still sticks in my mind as the ultimate realization of just how effective the punishment I’d chosen for my cheating and abusive ex husband turned permanent baby girl truly was. If Ross could strip me of all the trappings that made me a strong, successful, independent woman and leave me a sniveling baby entirely at the mercy of her Daddy with only a few dozen smacks on the bottom, I genuinely wondered if there was anything he couldn’t make me do if he wanted it.

 

When we got married, Wendy begged to be our flower girl and we explained that there wouldn’t be a need for that as we were having a simple ceremony at the courthouse, but her sorrow from the news led us to allowing her to throw flower petals around our feet in front of the judge, cleaning them all up obediently once the ceremony was complete. That night while Wendy slept peacefully in her crib I moaned into my pacifier as Daddy brought me to several mind bending orgasms in my soggy, stinky diaper, the juxtaposition of being a woman newly married spending her honeymoon filling her diapers and cumming in them repeatedly made me wonder if I was truly any better than Wendy.

 

**********

 

Standing in the doorway of the children’s room, the twins, Madeline and Charlotte in their toddler beds sleeping peacefully, both long out of diapers both day and night even at three while Wendy snored softly in her crib, the scent of a messy diaper already lingering in the air even though she’d only been put down an hour prior to her older sisters, Ross gently rubbed my pregnant belly as he hugged me to him with his strong arm.

 

“Penny for your thoughts.” he whispered.

 

I shook my head and turned my attention to him, my hand resting on his above our new bundle of joy as it softly kicked within my womb. “I was just wondering if Wendy should grow up a little, maybe join her sisters and give us a break from diapers for a few months before the baby comes.” I told him.

 

He took my hand in his and led me to the crib to look down at Wendy. “She doesn’t seem to be ready for that.” he told me as he reached down and patted her bulbous bottom through her fleece footed pajamas with Wendy from Peter Pan on the front.

 

I smiled down at her, watching the pacifier in her mouth bob softly as she slept. “I know, but don’t we have a responsibility to at least give her the choice?” I asked.

 

He kissed my cheek. “She made her choice a long time ago, honey.” he told me. “If you think she’d be agreeable to potty training or even able to see any kind of success with it, we can definitely try, but I’m pretty sure she’d fail at that like she failed at being a husband and adult and wind up right back where she is now.” he explained.

 

I nodded. “But that means we’re going to be parents of a baby for the rest of our lives.” I told him.

 

He nodded. “You didn’t think of that when you pushed her to be a baby?” he asked. “When you turned her into a girl? When you divorced and adopted her? At no point during all of those things did you stop and think that you were responsible for her?” he asked.

 

I sighed. “I did, but-” I started.

 

“But you wanted to have your fun, didn’t you?” he asked.

 

I nodded softly. “Yes, sir.” I said, feeling as small as the other girls in the room at that moment, wishing he wasn’t chastising me in the nursery of all places.

 

“Sir?” he asked. “Do you think we’re still at a point where ‘Sir’ is appropriate?” he asked.

 

I flushed, hoping the nightlight wouldn’t allow him to notice my blushing. “No, Daddy.” I corrected my self.

 

“You were a very selfish little girl for doing what you did to Wendy, weren’t you?” he asked.

 

I nodded. “Yes, Daddy.” I agreed.

 

“Do you think it’s fair to do what you did to her and then want to give up responsibility just because it’s not as fun for you anymore?” he asked.

 

I shook my head, “No, Daddy.” I said softly.

 

“Do you think you deserve a spanking for your childish attitude and behavior?” he asked.

 

I shuddered softly, the pleasant tingle of being talked down to and overpowered providing the yin to my dominance over Wendy’s yang. “No, Daddy, I know I was naughty but I don’t need a spanking, it could hurt the baby.” I told him, knowing that it wasn’t true but hoping it would get me out of trouble.

 

He smiled widely in the dimly lit room, his teeth making him look like a hungry predator in the darkness, waiting to pounce on me and take me back to his den. “You’re right, a spanking wouldn’t be good for the baby.” he agreed.

 

I breathed a sigh of relief to myself.

 

He took my hand and began to move to the changing table where he grabbed one of Wendy’s double thick overnight diapers before he started to head to the bedroom door.

 

“What’s that for, Daddy?” I asked fearfully.

 

He stroked the back of my hand with his thumb. “Well, a spanking isn’t good for a baby, but a diaper should be just fine to illustrate just how childish your behavior was.” he told me as we passed through the nursery door and he closed it behind us.

 

“Daddy, no!” I protested. “I’m a big girl, I don’t need diapers!” I whined, keeping my voice at a whisper so as not to wake the girls.

 

He smiled at me and guided my thumb into my mouth before patting my head softly. “You’re whatever Daddy wants you to be, just like Wendy was whatever you wanted to be.” he told me as he pulled me behind him to our room and he closed the door behind us. “Right, baby?” he asked me.

 

In the well lit room he could clearly see my blush as I was forced to reluctantly nod.

 

“Good girl.” he whispered into my ear as he crossed the distance between us and hugged me to him. “Now, if you continue to be a good girl and be Daddy’s baby for the night then maybe Daddy won’t have to extend your punishment to outside our bedroom where Wendy might see you wearing her diapers.” he explained.

 

I shivered and nervously sucked my thumb as he guided me to the bed and began to undress me before he unfolded the diaper and spread it out so he could lay me down on it.

 

He smiled down at me lovingly. “Maybe we should see if you can earn an allowance like you let little Wendy have.” he offered.

 

I whimpered softly as I dribbled a bit of pee onto the waiting diaper before he could get it pulled up into place and taped shut.

 

He chuckled softly as he taped the diaper closed around my waist, watching the front darken as I finished peeing immediately after the tapes were secured, his thick fingers pressing against the warm padding. “That’s a good start.” he told me.

 

I closed my eyes and bucked my hips into his fingers, ashamed at my behavior, turned on by his dominance, humiliated that I’d allowed him to cow me as easily as I’d done to Wendy, and hopelessly in love with my big strong Daddy as I knew he was hopelessly in love with me. “I love you, Daddy.” I mumbled around my thumb.

 

He lay next to me on the bed, his fingers gently rubbing against the swollen front of my wet diaper and he kissed the tip of my nose lightly, smiling at my childish giggle. “Daddy loves you too, baby, even if you are a naughty baby that wets and messes her brand new diaper as soon as Daddy gets it on you.” he said.

 

The prospect of messing myself wasn’t very enticing, but this wasn’t the first time we’d done this dance, and I knew from past experiences that the awfulness of being in a poopy diaper wouldn’t last long and he’d make sure that after my bath I got special attention payed to my princess parts before we finally went to bed. The similarity between this series of events and Wendy’s long forgotten Sunday night routine were not lost on me, but all I could do was hope that things didn’t go any further to the point that I’d be meeting my future Mommy dressed in my diaper and jammies before Daddy put me to bed in my crib while they went out on a date.

 

He wouldn’t do that to me though!

 

Right?

 

The End

[GQLF]

I like this reversal of multi role relationship story. Thanks share.

If can read the mother&daughter swap, mother wear baby diaper's story is going to be better.

[TheUnknownAuthor]

50 minutes ago, GQLF said:

I like this reversal of multi role relationship story. Thanks share.

If can read the mother&daughter swap, mother wear baby diaper's story is going to be better.

Try this story

I'm not sure it's what you're looking for, but it sounds close.

Thanks for reading!

[TheMommyM]

I WANT to like this, I REALLY do, but something about it just doesn't sit right and I'm not sure what it is.

Maybe it's the sudden sissification of Tommy or the fact that our strong and dominant female lead ends up no better than her ex husband, but it doesn't work for me, sorry.

It's well written though! It's just kinda meh for me.

[TheUnknownAuthor]

40 minutes ago, TheMommyM said:

I WANT to like this, I REALLY do, but something about it just doesn't sit right and I'm not sure what it is.

Maybe it's the sudden sissification of Tommy or the fact that our strong and dominant female lead ends up no better than her ex husband, but it doesn't work for me, sorry.

It's well written though! It's just kinda meh for me.

Well, I can't win 'em all I suppose.

I appreciate you reading the story and sharing your honest feelings, sorry it didn't work for you. Maybe the next one will be better...

[GQLF]

6 hours ago, TheUnknownAuthor said:

Try this story

I'm not sure it's what you're looking for, but it sounds close.

Thanks for reading!

Thank you write, it's great story.

I like AR MR and TG's story.

But I just want to see it mother wear real baby diaper(Pampers), It may be a little abrupt, Let's just say it。

[WBDaddy]

No, it probably wasn't necessary to drag us through the well-worn path of the wife turning the incompetent husband into an infant.  But I can't help but think that taking us through how "Mommy" was seduced into a submissive relationship after divorcing then "adopting" her former husband would have been useful, at least to give some perspective.  

That's the part that feels like a big hole to me.  I appreciate your unique twist on the "tables turned" trope - I've done my share of those kinds of stories - but it just needed a bit more meat on the bones to be convincing. 

Don't get me wrong, I can see in my head how an angry wife who wanted to be dominated by her husband exacts revenge on him by dominating him, and how that would lead her to find a man who would do what she REALLY wanted to her.  But I kinda need to see it here to be convinced. 

[ValentinesStuff]

Interesting story, I enjoyed it.

I was kind of hoping that Ross, despite seeing what happened to Wendy, ended up the same way. Then end it with Burt meeting Wendy and Tina.

[Scarlet]

I liked this story, it's interesting to see how protagonist turned Tommy into Wendy and then have Ross do something similar to Protagonist. 

 

However, it does feel a bit weird to jump from the wedding to suddenly they have twins that are three years old already. Which shows around a 4 year gap between the wedding and then. It might've felt better if from the wedding it went to the pregnancy and then skipped the 3-4 years.

 

Overall, it's a really good story and I love that tease at the end where protagonist thinks about what's happening to her in comparison to what she did to Wendy and tries to rationalize and reassure herself that she won't end up that way and it'll be fine, her "Daddy" wouldn't do that to her and then the "right?" at the end to show that doubt is really good. 

[TheUnknownAuthor]

14 hours ago, GQLF said:

Thank you write, it's great story.

I like AR MR and TG's story.

But I just want to see it mother wear real baby diaper(Pampers), It may be a little abrupt, Let's just say it。

Sorry, friend, you'll need to look elsewhere for that, best of luck!

 

13 hours ago, WBDaddy said:

No, it probably wasn't necessary to drag us through the well-worn path of the wife turning the incompetent husband into an infant.  But I can't help but think that taking us through how "Mommy" was seduced into a submissive relationship after divorcing then "adopting" her former husband would have been useful, at least to give some perspective.  

That's the part that feels like a big hole to me.  I appreciate your unique twist on the "tables turned" trope - I've done my share of those kinds of stories - but it just needed a bit more meat on the bones to be convincing. 

Don't get me wrong, I can see in my head how an angry wife who wanted to be dominated by her husband exacts revenge on him by dominating him, and how that would lead her to find a man who would do what she REALLY wanted to her.  But I kinda need to see it here to be convinced. 

I missed the mark, I accept that. I thought going the vignette route, telling a small scene in the lives of these people would be interesting, but I see now that I didn't go far enough to be successful in what I was trying to do. I'll just have to do better in the next one! 

Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts and critique, it's helpful and I appreciate it.

 

6 hours ago, ValentinesStuff said:

Interesting story, I enjoyed it.

I was kind of hoping that Ross, despite seeing what happened to Wendy, ended up the same way. Then end it with Burt meeting Wendy and Tina.

I don't know, it seems like at that point, a woman with three biological children and two regressed men that live as female babies would be enough to send any prospective suitors running for the hills...

Thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed it!

 

1 hour ago, Scarlet said:

I liked this story, it's interesting to see how protagonist turned Tommy into Wendy and then have Ross do something similar to Protagonist. 

 

However, it does feel a bit weird to jump from the wedding to suddenly they have twins that are three years old already. Which shows around a 4 year gap between the wedding and then. It might've felt better if from the wedding it went to the pregnancy and then skipped the 3-4 years.

 

Overall, it's a really good story and I love that tease at the end where protagonist thinks about what's happening to her in comparison to what she did to Wendy and tries to rationalize and reassure herself that she won't end up that way and it'll be fine, her "Daddy" wouldn't do that to her and then the "right?" at the end to show that doubt is really good. 

Like I said above, I didn't want it to linger on any one aspect for too long, more a gloss over, Cliff's Notes version of things, hence the large gap. I thought it would keep things tight while also moving us forward to "where are they now" territory, but I miscalculated.

I appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment, and I'm glad you liked it!

[Eagle0769]

Pay back is a bitch I waited a long time to read a story like this. Thank you.

[Babypants]

Since you seem to be experimenting here, I have to say that this one didn't work for me.  There is no beginning.  Instead, we are dropped into a relatively early chapter of a story whose ending comes in chapter 37-- and it is a John Fowles ending straight out of The Magus or The French Lieutenant's Woman.  It might make sense if the building blocks were in place, but alas.  The best way I can think to phrase it is that the story consists of two photographs, but the rest of the album is missing.  Rather than junking the format in its entirety, however, I would encourage you to try reworking the ending by using flashbacks and reveals as mechanisms to explain how your female protagonist in particular ends up in such ambivalent circumstances.

[WBDaddy]

On 8/14/2020 at 12:22 PM, TheUnknownAuthor said:

I missed the mark, I accept that. I thought going the vignette route, telling a small scene in the lives of these people would be interesting, but I see now that I didn't go far enough to be successful in what I was trying to do. I'll just have to do better in the next one! 

I offered my thoughts because it was interesting enough for me to talk about what could have been better.  If it wasn't interesting, I wouldn't have commented.  I have a suspicion I'm not the only one here who rolls like that.    

I've done a lot of vignettes myself, and it's a hell of a balancing act, setting a scene, giving enough background info (without making it an info dump) to make the characters engaging, and then telling a compelling story in snapshot form.  You made a good effort, better than a lot I've seen around here.  You've got skills, and you've got enough self-awareness to build off the criticism and come back better next time.  

I'll be looking forward to your next one.