Annotations by Sophie (Complete)

[Sarah Penguin]

Nobody chose to be alive therefore you have the right to say no to a particularly bad set of cards.  I chose standing in traffic on the interstate. *hugs for sophies if you want one

[Wannatripbaby]

2 hours ago, Sparkle Dust said:

Aww you’re sweet!  (Hugs you in wet diaper).  You’re my daddy just for today.  (Wink).

*blinks*

Wow, that got me a lot farther than I thought it would! ?

*Hugs and kisses* ❤️

[Sophie ♥]

My first year of college came to an end.  I had been on hormones a few months by then, and I’d made a decision.  I wanted to live as a girl.  I wanted this to become my reality.  But I couldn’t do it there, at home with my family, my siblings, my friends… I was too scared or embarrassed that I wouldn’t do it good enough.  I would fail, and they would all see it.  So I decided to move away.  Luckily, there was a school across the state that had a great psychology program.  Three hours away was far enough, wasn’t it?

But there was one problem, one other loose thread that I hadn’t quite tied up.

I mentioned before the boy who I called my role model; he was kind and generous and found new ways to broaden my horizons year after year.  But there is something else I didn’t mention, maybe out of shame or self-hate.  Maybe because I lied to him and he deserved better than that.  Or maybe because I just want you to think better of me than the person I am.  But if I’m going to write my story, I want to write all of it.  Honestly.

A long time ago, when I was fourteen or fifteen, I created an alter-ego online.  A girl.  I built each artificial detail of her life, and I acted it out like kids in a school play.  Except the audience wasn’t the internet as a whole - it was the boy I called my role model and his girlfriend.

Every month of every year since I made her, I told myself to stop.  I told myself to sign off her screen name and her email address.  I told myself to lose the passwords and erase them from my memory.  Leave her behind, and stop lying to these two people.  But I didn’t.  Or maybe I couldn’t?

The boy I called my role model and his girlfriend were both so kind to me.  They treated me like a little girl.  They respected my identity and my choices.  But I would always be that boy to them.  As this other girl - this fake girl - I could be different.  I could live a fantasy, where I was born right.  Where I had different friends and lovers.  I could build the world I wanted, as the person I had always wanted to be.

I wanted to stop.  I really did.  So when I decided to live as a girl and take her name - the name I had wanted since I was nine years old - I knew I had to tell them the truth.

Of course they hated me.  I could never blame them for that.  But I wasn’t prepared for what the boy who was my role model said to me.  To him, I would never be a girl.

Annotations by:
Sophie

[diaperpt]

I have to say, I'm not at all surprised that you created a life as the girl you knew you were. What a creative way of easing the pain of feeling unable to actually live that life at that time. How horrible it is that we end up feeling guilty -for trying to be ourselves while living in this imperfect world which, for the most part has and still expects everyone to be cis gender. No one should have to feel guilty and imperfect for finding creative ways to deal with this and yet, we often feel so very much guilt for that which those pushing the societal pressures against trans people are guilty of.

Consider how in the early stages of any kind of trans acceptance many years ago, the gate-keepers rules were that a person had to change their first and last names, abandon all their family and friends, move far, far away and begin a completely new life in their correct gender. In order for that to work, those people had to do exactly what you express guilt for doing. Those trans people transitioned and then had to lie to everyone around them about a non-existent previous life. That was forced on them in order to live as themselves. Your inability to transition seems to have driven you to lie before you could transition as a way to cope with that inability. 

Aside from that, you had this created identity (I prefer saying that over saying "fake") and your audience was the boy you called your role model and his girlfriend. In that online existence, how did the created you meet and get to be friends with them? Not a stumbling block or key to my thoughts on this whole situation, but I'm curious. 

What do you suppose would have happened had you been honest with your role model from the start - telling him you were living as the boy you were declared to be at birth but you had created this identity because that's who you knew you were meant to be? I can very well understand why you would feel you couldn't be honest but why must we feel guilty for trying to preserve a good relationship with people who like us but can't make the leap to like us as our true gender? I'm not challenging that we do feel guilt; only that we're made to feel guilty. Have you been able to abandon that guilt? 

My wife and kids tried to force guilt on me for lying to them (even though I'd lied to myself about my gender most of my life) but in their rejection of me proved that I'd been justified in those lies; they weren't going to accept me no matter what.

[Sarah Penguin]

[Wannatripbaby]

Yikes... That's pretty bad, leading someone on for years and years like that. Tbh I probably wouldn't have had the courage to tell them. I just would've signed off of both accounts for good and let them assume I died or something. 

[Sophie ♥]

6 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

I just would've signed off of both accounts for good and let them assume I died or something. 

I had been doing that for many years at that point.  But I always came back.  It's hard to leave behind your ideal life for one of reality...

I had to tell them, because until I did, I wasn't going to be able to move forward.  It was my last big hurdle, I guess.

(sorry if my replies are a bit lacking btw I'm hopped up on painkillers and stringing together sentences is a pain in the ass)

[Sparkle Dust]

23 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

A long time ago, when I was fourteen or fifteen, I created an alter-ego online. 
 

Leave her behind, and stop lying to these two people.  But I didn’t.  Or maybe I couldn’t?

As this other girl - this fake girl - I could be different.  I could live a fantasy, where I was born right.  Where I had different friends and lovers.  I could build the world I wanted, as the person I had always wanted to be.

I feel so conflicted!!! (Sorry but quotes do feel out of context the way I displayed.  Read the entire post and get Sophie’s in context message first)!

?????????

i found out I was truly female thanks to the female persona Sparkle Dust I created.  I never deceived nor can I really judge you for your actions.  I used my empty space OC Sparkle Dust to cope a feminine side of  myself, although I always let people know I was a catfish whether they read that part of my page or not.  Yet I created her because I used her face to flirt with a guy.  In fact the first guy I flirted with, even online, since over a year after admitting myself that I was bisexual.  
And yet I used Sparkle Dust as a secret identity online like Dr Jekyll used his alter ego Mr. Hyde to do whatever he wanted!  Am I a liar too!!  I truly felt I was just gender fluid for two years?!  But was I really a liar?!  Only now am I coming out as the woman who I want to be and yet is it true that I’m still a Liar until I come out to everyone?!  I know I truly did identify as male as a teenager.  How was I supposed to know I was happier as a girl?  Would I have survived in society up till graduation and receiving a job?  Would it have been paid less?  Would I have even been hired in my current job?!  So many questions!!!  All I know is that only when I gained independence was I able to explore my female side; buying wigs at Party City, buying dresses and skirts at Goodwill stores, and cross dressing in public.  ?. At first it was only at night alone using the cover of darkness but I expanded.  It expanded to grocery stores, Walmart, driving my car in different cities, the movie theater, the large crowds of Otakon in uncomfortable heals, buying dresses in Ocean City even while dressing as the man I was born as.  So many more and yet there were plenty of times even at work where I identified AND KNEW I WAS THE BEAUTIFUL GIRL I WISHED DEEP down I could be.  From in my mind I imagined having long soft hair to the girl way I walked, imagine moving in Animal Crossing with arms down angled out a little acute and palms facing the floor (Call it pansy or sissy I don’t care!!  Call maiden walks anti feminist or weak I don’t care!!  I’m me so deal with it!), and walked that way plenty of times When in the office despite the chance of coworkers seeing me that way dressed male.  Call me a hypocrite for still using the male restroom even during the times I identified as male!!   There is a key to use the girl’s restroom that I could have used especially in nights I worked in the office alone!!  Am I a liar because even know there are still no won’t of times I peed standing up with an urinal even if nobody was using the toilet, even sometimes at when when I’m a little grossed out by my toilet seat?!?  Am I a lying hypocrite especially to myself?!

Well diaper girls can pee while standing up   Thanks to our diapers!!!  All girls can pee standing up thanks to diapers!! ? (Clapping from a stadium).  Yeah F penises!  LOL.  Hic!  Sorry, going through a bit bad phase I’m getting help for.  Also really need to change my diaper because it  recently leaked on my towel I placed underneath me.  

????. The first time I think I cross dressed was in a October 2018.  No wait I cosplayed as my OC Zipping Jackie I’m 2017 at OtaKon.  I was originally cosplaying as a Scorpio mage with kakee pants, a red button shirt, and gray vest.  I was identifying as a male.  I don’t know why I did at the time, but in the Dealer’s room I say a blonde wig I n one stand and heart shaped sunglasses in another.  With my current look I felt excited that these props could make me look like my badass OC Zipping Jackie that I’m in pulse I bought them for around $40-50.  I even put the wig on in the very humid men’s bathroom.  I know identified as male back them but I think dressing as Jackie made me excited (Was I lying to myself back then)!  Anyway despite that I still feel like I’m started cross dressing in October 2018 had been using my Sparkle Dust persona for barely 5 months.  Before my DeviantArt profile was based on my OC Dance Disco.  I won’t deny that I created Dance Disco based on me from a green, yellow, and purple Marti Gras hat that I once stole from work and later made into a costume from the the hat, a green domino mask ? bought from Party City, and a green suit I bought cheap at goodwill that I spent hours painting on, that lead me to win 3rd place at my college’s costume contest.  I always identified that character as male, yet never revealed it in DeviantArt despite always using him as a narrator in my first story Truth or Dare. (Now regret the pointless intros).  I never truly knew why I did.  Did I think because I was a guy people would bias against my stories that uses mostly women, although in diapers?  That I was just another diaper perv or the stereotype of the ugly fat man in diapers that society views the average diaper lover as?  Not as the sexy diaper girls I had spent years loving?  Being Dance Disco was fun but it didn’t make me happy?  He was still a villain and being him didn’t make me truly happy?  How can I like myself or even look myself in a mirror?!!  He always wore a mask!!!  I wasn’t pretty that way!!  I was ugly, I felt it!  Rationally the body dismorphia on my face probably rooted from the seasonal phases of unremovable acne despite care as a teenager.  I still get acne sometimes, but thankfully fair less.  Sigh, I’ve come to enjoy dressing up and prep work despite the hours of work despite the build up.  There were many times at work where I felt dressed during the busy seasons and, while I still planned to work the night at home and even brought home my work laptop, I was just counting the moments when 5 pm would come so I could drive home, take a shower, use 2-3 razor blades to shave my whole body, take another shower to rinse the shaving cream off and apply skin cream, put a diaper on with baby powder (sometimes I peed in one before the first shower because I couldn’t see myself holding it for a few hours), do some amateur make up like lipstick and eye liner, and put on the dress I was in the mood for.  As I mention earlier in the chapter, but drifted from, my first official cross dressing around October 2018.  I already had a blonde wig from the Zipping Jackie cosplay.  It was only a few months since I moved to my new apartment and I wanted to celebrate Halloween!  As a kid I loved walking my neighborhood dressed in a costume , I’ve spent all sorts of parties dressing in already, for candy.  Some my parents even helped make for me...did I even thank them.    As I got older I stopped trick or treating. I told myself that Halloween wasn’t meant for older teens.  Was I lying to myself again!  I did the same thing with my stuffed animals in middle school!  I regret that now!  Placing my Teddy, Blankie, and Panther in dusty storage!  Waaah!  I had the first two since I was a baby that their stuffing deflated!!  Grr!  Only now do I cuddle with stuffed animals again.    In college I tried to enjoy a more adult Halloween; admiring the decorations and helping with the Halloween parties as part of my part time job.  Dancing in them was so much fun!  I even won a costume contest.  And I just danced like crazy in my apartment when Rocky Horror Picture Show Live Aired.  (It was the first time I heard of it.  LOL).  Still despite being an adult I wanted to participate in Halloween even if I was just handing out candy.  And yes!  I still believe that!  As adults we have a collective responsibility to bring joy to the kids of the current generation.  We have a chance to embrace our inner child by dressing up and even enjoy the act in an adult way later in the night.  Well I wanted too. I still had the blonde wig from the Zipping Jackie cosplay and the an artist had already drawn an amazing portrait of Sparkle Dust that I used as my DeviantArt icon.  I realized I could crop and use the face of the picture as a mask.  For all of October 2018 I spent a part of time at Party City and Goodwill stores surveying potential costumes.  I had been using my persona Sparkle Dust for awhile and yet never came out in public. I felt like afraid and wanted her to break free!!!  She was a mother, a goddess, a tragic survivor.  I made her such a deep person more than I felt I could ever be.  Halloween was the best time to bring her out!  I couldn’t draw her but I could wear her. I set a $100 dollar budget although I forget how much I really spent.  I bought mask and taped out the face of Sparkle Dust that I printed out at the right size through trial and error.  It was impossible to breath in at first but through trial and error I found comfortable/minimal ways to poke eye holes and air holes in it.  A little sweaty with the wig sometimes, but worth it!  I even bought two additional blonde wigs to experiment my look with!!!  At good Will I bought a Candy Stripper outfit and a sexy shirt Fairy Girl dress that I wore over the Candy outfit.  It wasn’t perfect but I felt like it looked like Sparkle Dust’s original cute loli dress!!  (Sorry, I’m typing this on my phone so I can’t provide my original links or pictures I’m describing)!  It looked cute!  Especially after I bought 2 sets of angel wings to wear!!  With the mask in I truly looked like Sparkle Dust!! Eeeee!  I even bought slot of Candy and bought a ton of fake purple flowers from AC Moore (Before it shut down.   LOL), that reminded me of my (and Sparkle’s) IC daughter Fiona.  On Halloween I taped half a dozen of the flowers to my apartment’s step’s railway leading up to me.  I even took the full week off months in advance so i wouldn’t risk working overnight in a different city for Another year in a row keeping me away from the joys of Halloween!!  I was so excited I couldn’t even wait inside and just sat outside with a Fiona Flower and full bowl of candy.  It was a shame that kids don’t trick or Treat in my outdoor apartment complex so I had ZERO kids that night!  Waaaaah.  Despite sad from wasting a vacation week and I felt I truly celebrated Halloween and explored my female side that month.  I spent many late nights just walking around my neighborhood as Sparkle Dust!  As of present day I’m sure that all of my neighbors have seen me cross dress, NO! Be me!, at least once.  It felt exhilarating and free to wear a dress and be a pretty girl, who wasn’t even wearing the mask due to dark visibility!  The crinkle of my diaper feeling warm and tingly.   It was even the first time I took a picture of my female self on my phone using a mirror as help.  I may have been wearing a mask but I still showed myself to random strangers!  Was I lying to people?!! No!  I bought the items at places dressed as a boy I still shop at for the employees there to recognize me!!!  I kept wore my female skin and crinkly diapers around people I knew!  I posted it for Deviantart friends and strangers to see.  I may may have been wearing a mask but so what?!!, I took the time and effort and with a mask hiding my ugly face I looked like a cute girl!   Am I lying when back then I greatly implied that I was still born a guy and never denied it when asked!  Those people are still my best friends and except me for it even I always fear the same rejection you mentioned!!  I was even eventually open to it at work!  I have yet to even come out as gender fluid back then but they all knew I was bi sexual so I thought it would be fun, after two margeritas to show my Halloween costume to a few coworkers.  OMG, that was a was like the next day for doing that!  But I still did it because I i was still hiding behind Halloween!  But owe the thrill and openness relieve as, since I was wearing a diaper hidden underneath the dress, I technically showed a diaper pic!  Yay!  It was at that point that Sparkle Dust was no longer just an online identity.   Wanted to be her again at Otakon.  A warm cute pretty time to reveal that time of myself with no judgement if I was just a cosplayer!  And even still I felt like I couldn’t wait 7 months to do it again and dressing as just Sparkle Dust in my home alone!  Sometimes I took walks out at night dressed as her.  Sometimes just a wig was enough to feel girly.  I even bought more dresses and skirts from Goodwill.  After 2019 Otakon, despite the murder on my shoes from cosplaying I found myself wanting to dress up for my happier female side even if it wasn’t as one of my Female OCs.  It didn’t matter anymore.  Was I lying to myself when I was just a cosplayer?  Was this the start of living sometimes as a girl.  I know I wanted to sometimes but still thought I was gender fluid.  I don’t know!!  And yet I was still too afraid to show this side of myself to family!!!!  You can make not tell the truth once so I guess this makes me a chronic liar!!! ?

And your experience with the boy!  The one you admired.  T.T. I haven’t even gone through hormones and vocal training yet!  I haven’t told my parents for so long because I fear rejection the same way!!!  Am I just a liar because you call yourself one?!  Last week I could have told them?!  
They live only 20 minutes away from my apartment and always invite for weekend dinners at least once a week.  ???. My two younger siblings still live with them!  We once had a play set in the backyard, we argued as younger stupid kids/teenagers and yet we have more passive respect and communication with each other.  My siblings know about me, but my parents don’t!!  Groaning sobbing sounds.  I could have told my family past week when we ate, played, and laughed with each other.  I could have held my siblings’ hands as I poured out to Mom and Dad.  Well why didn’t I!?!  
Yes I’ve been a liar for so long!!  I’ve lied to them since middle school that I’m attracted to Diaper Girls!  I mean they don’t need to know but hiding it has become part of my identity.  I’ve hid from them the times I thought of ending myself.  I always talked myself out of it and therapying myself on my own to a point where I don’t really want too anymore. I’ve even had friends during the bad times!  Still I never told them.  Because you only have ONE time to tell them and forever to live with what comes next!  ?

Maybe that is why I invented my OC Gwen.  A proud diaper lover open about her lover, her wearing, and use of diapers to anyone!   Never needing to hide anything and being an attractive adult woman who takes charge all time and constant respect from her peers despite that her diapers are always visibly poking out!  
 

Groaning sounds.  Sorry for placing my life story in your thread.  You can delete this later if you like.  Your tale is just so moving and close to home right now.  I don’t want to one day look back on my life and feel like a liar.

I’ve already set things in motion to come out to my parents this week.  Wish me luck and I look forward to your stories!!

7 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Yikes... That's pretty bad, leading someone on for years and years like that. Tbh I probably wouldn't have had the courage to tell them. I just would've signed off of both accounts for good and let them assume I died or something. 

And yet you’ve had plenty of people come out to you.  ?.  Am I any different?  
A decade ago I’m sure I would have stayed hidden like Sophie.  

56 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

I had been doing that for many years at that point.  But I always came back.  It's hard to leave behind your ideal life for one of reality...

I had to tell them, because until I did, I wasn't going to be able to move forward.  It was my last big hurdle, I guess. 

(sorry if my replies are a bit lacking btw I'm hopped up on painkillers and stringing together sentences is a pain in the ass)

Get better soon Sophie!!!!! 

[YourFNF]

On 4/21/2020 at 12:46 PM, Sophie ♥ said:

I had to get a new therapist, one that specialized in gender.  I don’t know where I stand on transgender gatekeeping - the idea that you have to talk to professionals before you take any serious steps.  On one hand, if I hadn’t talked to a professional, I would never have become a girl.  On the other, if I had to be completely sure, I would never have become a girl either.

My second therapist and I talked a lot about how I felt.  How scared I was.  How I vacillated between wanting it and not wanting it.  How my family had responded, and how my friends were helping or hurting.  Truthfully, none of them hurt.  They all did their best, in their own ways.  Maybe I’m lucky.

After three months, she gave a prescription for an anti-androgen.  Basically, no more testosterone.  She described this as an ‘in-between state’ that didn’t have a lot of side-effects.  I could think about what I wanted and, when I was sure, I could go back to living my boy-life or I could move onto a girl one.

It took me two weeks to make up my mind, two more weeks to get estrogen pills, and another two weeks to try and kill myself.

I was sitting on the floor in my mom’s basement, staring at a full-wall mirror.  I think maybe the house had been a ballet studio or something at one point, I’ll never know.  I hadn’t dressed up or put on any makeup.  And there, looking back at me in the mirror, was a boy.

What was the point, really?  I’d never be pretty.  Not like the cute girl I loved.  Not like my sister or my mom.  Even if I managed to pull it off - to look feminine enough to pass as a girl - people would always wonder.  They’d stare at me a second too long, or they would slip on my pronouns.  Even if I managed to avoid all that, my parents would never see me as a girl.  My siblings, my friends.  I’d always be a freak to them.

 

Annotations by:
Sophie

Fuck.... Can't say I haven't thought about it.... Honestly not sure why I've never made an attempt...

I really relate to the bit about feeling like your never going to be accepted as a girl... A lot of days it feels more like something I want to be rather than actually am.

[Sophie ♥]

My year away from home wasn’t everything I wanted it to be.  I had no friends, nor confidence to make some  My new life was lonely and I quickly grew homesick.  Sometimes the cute girl I loved would visit, but most of my days were spent on the computer.

I spent more time on a diaper forum than at school.  One day in particular, I was in a chatroom and a girl started talking to me about being trans.  How there was no escaping people judging you for it, and how I would never look like a real girl.  Even worse, I really did believe her.  Then someone came to my rescue - a new member.  She told the other girl to shut up and sent me a private message, checking to see if I was okay.

I was, after that.

The forum girl and I talked for hours and hours every day.  She was my gleaming lantern in a dark, vast wood.  She understood the things I was going through - as she herself was trans - and walked me through everything I felt.  She broke down the foundations of my self-hate and defeatism and built me struts to support an ever-growing identity.  In three words, she saved me.

Around the same time, I met another member on the forum.  He lived nearby and didn’t know a lot of other people in the diaper community.  So we arranged a meet-up.  The forum boy and I became quick friends.  He had good taste in movies and he made for good company.  He liked to drink, and often I would drink with him, though we only did so in my apartment.

Sometimes he would ask about diapers - which ones I liked, how often I wore them, things like that - but it was few and far between other topics.  Then sometimes, when we were drinking, he would ask me if I wanted to wear one.  The moral of this story is: Sophie doesn’t know how to say no to people.

Time went on, and my savings was running dry.  I couldn’t get a job because I had no transportation and even less self-esteem. Sometimes the forum girl would send me money to help out, but I hated accepting things like that from her.  Forum boy started buying me dinners and taking me grocery shopping because “pickles and pop-tarts is not real food”.  I was overwhelmed with guilt, but a solution presented itself.

Forum boy wanted to take me out on a date.  Like, a real date.  I told him I only liked girls, but he wanted to take me anyway.  And he already spent money on groceries for me, and he always took me to get noodles together.  He deserved one date.  The thing is: he was a great guy.  We liked a lot of the same stuff and I had never given boys a real shot before.  Maybe this could be good for me.

It wasn’t.  All the date accomplished was to validate my disinterest in boys.  But when he asked a second time, I didn’t say no.  He was doing so much for me.  He was so kind.  And what if he stopped being my friend?  I didn’t want to be alone again.

Then I found a picture on his phone: me wearing footy pajamas and a diaper.  I was clearly drunk.  I didn’t remember him taking the photo.  I started to avoid him a little more, which made me feel guilty.  I spiraled into deeper feelings of sickness and sadness.  Forum girl tried to help me as best she could, but it wasn’t working out.  I had to go home.

At the end of the school year, I moved back in with my mom.

Annotations by:
Sophie

[Wannatripbaby]

I have been that forum girl to a lot of people. Not usually about trans issues, but about topics that are just as serious. 

Glad you had someone like that. ☺️

[Sarah Penguin]

aww

[Sparkle Dust]

2 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

I have been that forum girl to a lot of people. Not usually about trans issues, but about topics that are just as serious. 

Glad you had someone like that. ☺️

Gee hee hee!  Glad to have you Trip!  ????❤️

[Sophie ♥]

9 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

I have been that forum girl to a lot of people.

Be the forum girl you want to see in the world!  That's my motto.

[Sophie ♥]

All the fears I had about not being a good enough girl and failing in front of my friends and family fell by the wayside with my overall sense of relief.  Finally, I was home.  Finally, I wasn’t lonely.  It was an amazing feeling, with one caveat.  I had a decision to make.

The cute girl and I had broken up before my move, but our feelings for each other hadn’t really subsided.  Additionally, the forum girl and I had been flirting and roleplaying online for the better part of a year.  If I wanted to date one of them, it meant giving up the prospect of dating the other.

Do you remember my monologue about how love is complicated?  The forum girl - the fourth girl I loved - was a midnight sky in the mountains and I was a city girl who always stared at her feet.  She felt like a billion possibilities, always there, always looking down on me, waiting for me to look up.  She felt impossible, like a photograph with a long shutter speed.  She knew how to draw lines where there were none.  She had an answer to everything.  She was the answer.

So my choice was simple.  It was also wrong.  When something feels impossible, more often than not, it is.

Annotations by:
Sophie

[diaperpt]

Well, that one year sucked. It sounds like you were 'in between' in far too many senses.

At home you were again fortunate in having two possible girl friends, yet unfortunate in your pick. Occam's Razor can be stated a number of ways, but in this case the most obvious choice is usually the right choice. You seem to be hitting on a number of poor choices. Is that really true or are you touching on those because of the effects of them?

[Bonsai]

Perfection is often a painful concept.

[Sophie ♥]

4 hours ago, diaperpt said:

You seem to be hitting on a number of poor choices. Is that really true or are you touching on those because of the effects of them?

I think it's my choices are what got me to where I am.  And I don't think choosing the forum girl over the cute girl was a bad choice.  It was definitely the wrong one, but my life would be irrevocably different had I chosen the cute girl.  And I like my life?  So maybe that makes the forum girl a good choice?  Can something be both good and wrong?

Trigger warning: the next annotation is particularly intense and sexual.  Please be cautious when reading it.

[Wannatripbaby]

15 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

The forum girl - the fourth girl I loved - was a midnight sky in the mountains and I was a city girl who always stared at her feet.  She felt like a billion possibilities, always there, always looking down on me, waiting for me to look up.  She felt impossible, like a photograph with a long shutter speed.  She knew how to draw lines where there were none.  She had an answer to everything.  She was the answer.

Somebody give Sophie a Pulitzer for best author already. That is pure gold. ?

[Sparkle Dust]

8 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

Can something be both good and wrong?

I once had a crush on my much older and married crush.  Never acted in it but still got confronted on it.     Groan.  
Surprisingly I’m over him now.  

[diaperpt]

Good... wrong... beauty is in the eyes of the beholder... What is good (or bad), wrong (or right) are so very subjective. I think I've made several (understatement!) bad choices in my life. I regret the choices, and I do regret some of the outcomes but not necessarily all of them.

I don't think any one thing can be both wrong and good, however something wrong, as in a decision/choice, can lead to some positive or at least desirable outcomes. But maybe that's splitting hairs.

[Sparkle Dust]

I’m out of the closet with my family about being a woman!  (Trans).

[Sophie ♥]

Before the forum girl and I began dating, I got a message from a long-lost friend: the boy who I used to call my role model.  He wanted to talk, and so we did.  He asked a lot of questions about my life now - about being a girl, how that impacted me, and how the baby stuff was going.  It felt like no time had passed at all.  It felt like things could be normal again.

He told me that he was going to be in the area; he and his girlfriend were going camping.  He invited me along, as me, dressed as me.  I jumped at the opportunity.

The campground wasn’t far from my house.  I gussied up and drove there with a small overnight bag and a stack of diapers.  We had met in person a few times, before I told him the truth, and baby stuff was always par for the course.  Things felt so ordinary.

When I got there, I had to leave my car outside.  There was a car limit or something, so his girlfriend picked me up and drove me to the campground.  She complimented my clothes, my makeup, my hair.  I felt radiant, untouchable.

The three of us cooked s’mores and played stupid songs on his guitar.  We shared wine coolers and made food on the grill.  They offered me a new boutique diaper that had just come out, so I didn’t have to wear my awful store-brand ones.  I changed in the tent.

That night, we laid together in their tent and watched a movie on a portable DVD player.  Their bed was along the right side and I had a sleeping bag on the floor.  Near the end, they began talking in whispers and I tried not to eavesdrop.

Fireflies were out.  The tent was barely lit by the glow of a lantern.  We were deep enough in the woods that no one would bother us, but close enough to campers that we wouldn’t have animal problems either.  I remember admiring the whole thing.  That moment.

The boy I used to call my role model approached me after and asked a question.  I don’t remember the exact wording, but it was something about playing with them.  We had done stuff together in the past - nothing sexual, but diaper changes and enemas and the like.  And I missed them so much.  So I nodded.

This time was different, though.  He wanted to fuck me.  I always had a mild fantasy about being used by some boy.  It was sexy, in a way.  I would think about it sometimes in bed, and if any boy were to do it, I wanted it to be him.

He bent me over his mattress and pulled down the back of my diaper.  At first, it felt littling, like when someone gives you a spanking or an enema.  They bend you over, they pull down your diaper, and you feel your stomach drop out from under you and you have a thrill in your heart.  Anticipation, maybe.

Then I felt something around my bottom.  Something in my bottom.  I knew that feeling well enough, alone in my room.  And then something warm and big in my bottom.  I felt his thighs hit my ass and the sinking feeling in my stomach sank deeper.  Suddenly, I wasn’t sure I wanted this.  But this story isn’t about Sophie saying no to people.

Tears filled my eyes, but I was determined to hold them back.  I wanted him to like me.  I wanted both of them to forgive me.  If I cried, they would hate me again.  If this was all I had to do to make them like me, wasn’t it worth it?  Tears slid down my cheeks all the same.

His girlfriend had my head in her lap, playing with my hair.  She was cooing.  Saying things were fine?  Or that I would be okay?  I’m not sure these days.  She was trying to comfort me.  I tried so hard to hide my tears.  Did she notice?  If he was saying anything, I couldn’t hear it.  My ears were ringing.

I felt little.  Maybe the first time I ever felt little in a bad way.  Little and powerless and helpless.  Three very sexy words.  Three words I love!  And in that moment, I hated them.  If I said stop, or if I said no, they would have.  I’m sure of it.

But I didn’t.

I don’t remember a lot else about it.  I was dropped off at my car in the morning and I drove away.  Then I stopped in a parking lot on my way home so I could work on my breathing.  Somewhere between that campground and that parking lot, I had forgotten how.

The funny thing is, I never saw either one of them again.

Annotations by:
Sophie

[Wannatripbaby]

Oh dear. That's... Wow. 

*hugs*

[diaperpt]

6 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

The funny thing is, I never saw either one of them again.

Not sure any of this was funny. I'm sorry this happened to you. Yes, he asked if he could and yet I sense you were vulnerable. I can understand how this could come about - and not in any negative sense toward you. I don't think the terms right or wrong apply here. It feels very unfortunate.