Little Luzy Limited (Complete!)

[Sophie ♥]

28.)

"Thank you for taking the time to see me, Luzy." The call had come just before the first class the next day, and Nora waited at the cafe as agreed, a pot of tea on the tabletop and a small plate of fresh cookies adjacent. "I need to get some bank information from you, so I can pay you for your work on the weekend." Things she could have gotten over the phone, but it was a good excuse to touch base.

"Right…" It was nice to see the woman.  Nora, she'd said.  I didn't even know her name for a full weekend - how had I missed that?  But all the same, it was nice to see her again, even if it was just for coffee. "Yeah, I brought my details right here.” I pulled the papers out of the bag and handed them across the table.

"Wonderful. Now, I'm going to code these hours as a paid trial with training, so you'll get the whole amount, tax free. I know how money tends to be at your age." Nora tucked the papers away into her purse and began to pour tea for the two of them. "How have you been, at any rate? The girls miss you already, of course."

"Ah… yeah, I'm alright…" "How's that friend of yours?" "Huh?" "The one that beat you up on my lawn," she said with a smile.  I chuckled a little. "Right, yeah.  That's Koi.  I got in an accident or something last year, so she gets worried when I don't call.  Of course, if someone hadn't taken my phone away, I wouldn't have been in that mess."

"Oh yes, that Marta is such a presumptuous little thing at times, isn't she?" Nora smiled to herself and took a sip from her tea with that sort of knowing gaze that only women of age seemed to be able to pull off. "Koi sounds like a very caring and thoughtful friend; something very good for you, I expect. Have you told her you turned down the position?"

"Yeah, she thinks I was stupid about it." "I have to agree." "Yeah, yeah, you want me to babysit.  I get it." I sipped at my tea.  I didn't like tea.  But sometimes I just have to drink it because someone else pours it for me.  That's life. "Anyway, Koi will get over it.  She's probably forgotten all about it by now, with everything happening…" "Hm?" "It's nothing." Man I'm stupid sometimes.

"It doesn't sound like nothing, not from that tone of voice. Tell me all about it, sugarplum. You don't have very many other friends, right? I'm here to listen." Not that Luzy had ever actually said she didn't have any other friends, but Nora's experience with these girls, the ones she took in, was that they had trouble confiding in just about anybody after the fact, if they even could at all.

“It's nothing.” "Hm?" "She's just acting weird." "Yeah?" "Listen, it's really nothing.  And it's not a bad weird.  I don't know!  It's just… complicated…" How was I supposed to explain this? "I just feel like maybe she's messing with me or something… playing a joke… but that's not really like her."

"Well, if that's not her, then she's probably not messing with you or playing a joke. What's she been doing? How about you describe Koi to me, one sentence only — how she is normally. And then describe her with one sentence how she's been the past few days, that might be best." Single sentence answers were a favorite task of Nora's to give children, or ersatz children, simply because it forced them to focus only on what was most important.

"She's… eccentric." "And recently?" “Uh… Koi's just been…" Caring?  No.  She's always caring.  It's more than that.  More complicated… "Koi's been… compassionate…" It was a slow feeling.  Koi didn't do slow anything, let alone feelings. "Maybe she likes me… oh, she's gay.  I don't know if you knew that."

"I did not know that, no — all I know is that she's eccentric, Asian and seems to have a penchant for corsets, based on what I saw the other day. I'll add ‘likes girls’ to my profile." This time Nora did laugh, and she so rarely did that it seemed almost magical, to be forthrightly honest about it. "So she's become more compassionate of late? You did mention that she's been quite protective over you since your disappearance, last year. Maybe being unable to contact you this past weekend set that off?"

"…you're right.” I didn't even think of that. "I mean, she's just being really caring and stuff.  Not caring.  That's not the word.  Compassionate's just the best word I can find.  Kind of doting, I think, which is not her.  But she never said she liked me before, so she wouldn't just be into me all of a sudden.  I guess you're right.  She's just worried.  So it's showing more clearly." All that made perfect sense.

Nora was nodding, but not because she agreed — but because she'd baited the hook to see how readily the girl would run with any explanation that made moderate sense. Anything to avoid facing the fact that clearly Koi was doting over her like a child. Maybe her friend had finally clicked to the rationale and started to understand that there was a very simple thing she could be doing to make Luzy feel warm and fuzzy. "She's simply taking care of you, it seems to me. Out of worry, perhaps like she might care and worry for a younger sister."

"Sister…" I nodded quietly, trying to think back.  All in all, that seemed an apt description. "You're right.  You're really right.  She didn't like make a move or anything." I sighed out a breath of relief, smiling up at Nora. "Thanks.  I was actually a little nervous there.  I'm not into girls, so it's, you know.  Weird.  I'm sometimes afraid she'll fall for me and ruin our friendship.  Conceited, right?” I had to laugh.

"I see your point, yes." The woman broke off a part of a cookie and took a bite, thoughtfully. "Perhaps you two could come for dinner this weekend? It could be good for the two of you to do something nice together, and the girls would love to see you, too."

"Oooohhhhh no no no no no." The woman just smiled at me.  Wait, was she kidding? "No way I'm letting Koi meet those girls.  She thinks I'm weird enough." "You?" Oh damnit… "I mean for babysitting them… jeeze…" But really, if Koi saw them… she might think I still cared about all that stuff.  But I was over and done with it.

"I'll have the girls dress up, they'll pass for twelve, and you and I have both seen young teenagers the size of my girls. They'll join us for dinner, be on their best behavior, and then Marta can take them to their room. " Not a joke then, it seemed; a serious proposition, and one that Nora seemed to have dispelled the issues regarding.

"I don't mean any offense, but… I'm really not sure I want Koi seeing your girls even on their best behavior.  I just mean…" Ugh, this was complicated… "I just mean, I don't think it makes sense.  Us coming for dinner, especially since I don’t work for you.  You know?" Awkward… "Sorry.  I'm just gonna have to pass..."

"That's quite alright — it was only an offer, and like any invitation, you're welcome to decline." Nora didn't sound offended, either, she actually sounded like she was expecting no other answer. Perhaps that was the case. "If you change your mind, you're welcome to let me know — I do know that Ister misses you and all. Now, what are your plans with Koi, you won't do anything foolish, I hope?"

"Let it fade, I guess.  I'm not going anywhere, so she'll realize that.  She did once already." When I got out of the hospital, she was watching me like every second for two weeks!  This was just like that.  It had probably already faded.  I was overreacting.

"Very good. Well, I should be going. I wish you the best, Little Luzy, and if you need anything, or would simply like to talk, you're welcome to call." It was difficult to walk away, even if at the moment it was only literal — there was so much broken just beneath the surface, and Nora only hoped she'd be able to put things in order before the tenuous grip holding it all inside was finally too weak to do its job.
 

[Sophie ♥]

29.)

I sat at my steering wheel.  I just sat there.  I couldn't think right.  Things weren't in the right spot.  Maybe I was in the wrong spot?  Why couldn't I figure it out… "K-Koi?" "Hm?" "Koi?" "Yeah?" "Koi, are you there?" "Yeah, Luzy, I'm here." "…um… will you come pick me up?" "From where?" "…um… the cafe off Third.” "Sure.  You okay?" "…yeah.” And I hung up.  I ran my fingers through my hair, looking down at the steering wheel.  I hadn't even turned the car on.  I just couldn't figure out how to drive the damn thing…

"Pop the trunk." Koi would put her scooter in the back, and then drive the car — it was better than leaving the car in the parking lot. There was a thud from the rear, and Koi smiled. "Shuffle over, I'll load this up and then I'll drive, alright?" Luzy had been off-color for a few days now, with some bouts being much worse than others, so Koi didn't mind helping out — honestly, she was glad Luzy was even asking for help, with how things had gone last night. Ugh.

"It's out of gas." "It's not out of gas, Luzy." "It wouldn't start." "You probably flooded it, you idiot." "How would you know, you don't drive a car." "Just move over." I moved over into the passenger seat.  It felt more proper.  I buckled the belt around my chest. "Do you even know how to drive a car...?"

"Mmhmm." Mostly. Enough to get the damn thing started, at any rate, which it seemed like Luzy was incapable of at this point in time. Koi was the oldest sibling, and had been taught how to drive when she was twelve, because it made her more useful. Part of why she got a scooter had entirely to do with limiting the type of errands she might ever be expected to run. She kicked the car over and pulled it out from the curb, smiling at her friend. "You look pale, I'm gonna get you some take out." Like… a happy meal. Because it was cheap and cheerful.

"No, wait…" She hesitated, holding the car at a steady idle, and waited.  I looked at the menu once more, biting my lip. "Um… the boy one…" "The boy one?" "The girl ones are stupid." "They're My Little Pony." "The boy ones get race cars." She rolled her eyes. "Make that a boy’s kid's meal, please."

No swearing. No yelling. This was good! It must have just been the proposal of cuddles in bed, which was obviously freaking Luzy out — usually the fact that Koi liked chicks never presented an issue. Hopefully that was just a one-off.  Koi handed over her card and waited for it to be returned along with the soda — the latter of which she passed to her friend — and then finally the meal with toy nestled inside. "Want me to pull over? There's a park right there if you wanna get out of the car for a bit."

Koi parked in the parking lot, but we both sat where we sat.  She unwrapped her burger and I opened up my kid's meal box.  True as could be, my wind up car waited inside.  I pulled it out first, undoing the packaging.  It was cheap plastic, but nice nonetheless.  I went in for my chicken nuggets next.

"I still think the Pony would have been better." Says Koi who comes from a family that usually eats horses. Probably. "I'm glad you called me, doll, you were pale pale." Actually, she wasn't, but she was quite out of it and Koi assumed she was pale because honestly who could tell on skin as white as hers, right?

"Yeah… I don't know.  I think I got overwhelmed with the car not starting." Truth of the matter was, I never turned the key.  The idea of driving… how to do it… it just slipped my mind.  I remembered, now.  I remembered when Koi started the car.  But I felt too stupid to say something. "Thanks for showing up."

"Of course." Koi slipped out of the driver’s seat to throw away her trash, and by the time she got back, Luzy was playing with the car up and down her leg. "Who were you meeting anyway?" Luzy returned a blank stare. "You were at the cafe, right? Was it a date? Who's the lucky boy?" It was too much to hope for — Luzy hadn't dated, not since what happened last year. She didn't even look at boys anymore.

"Oh… uh…" No point lying.  I didn't have any other friends. "I met Nora…" "…lucky girl?” "What?  No.  Gosh, no.  She was the mom I was babysitting for over the weekend.  Jeeze." "You going back there?  Good.  That money is crazy." "No.  She just wanted my bank details so she could pay me."

"She's paying you even though you quit? Huh, she sounds like a pretty good boss. You think her meeting with you today was just her trying to get you to come back? I guess with money like that she wants the best, and you are available." Koi kicked the engine back over and looked at her friend with a smirk. "Tell her I'll take the job if you don't want it, that money is bonkers. I'd waste it all on corsets, but you know. That's me."

"You don't want the job," I said offhandedly, rolling my eyes. "Why not?" "You just wouldn't!" "Man you're being weird about it.  Just talk to me!  You always tell me when parents are weird!" "It's not the parents - it's the kids.  You wouldn't like them." "You said you like them." Ugh… "It's not important.  Okay?  Come on - my little toy car is driving faster than you right now."

“How bad can the kids be? She's paying enough to basically be okay with babysitting Hitler, Stalin, and Martha Stewart. I think you're just being dramatic, because you're a dramatic girl." Koi turned the wheel and pulled the car back out of the parking lot and began the drive back to the school. "You're totes hiding something!"

"It was just a little too weird for me, alright?  There's nothing to hide.  If there was an ethical thing - child abuse or whatever - I'd call social services.  So it's just a personal thing." "Personal howwww?" "Oh gosh.  Koi.  Just be normal for like five minutes.  I swear…" She got so worked up over the smallest stuff...

"Well, alright. Oh, I need plans on the weekend — my parents are in town and expect me to spend the entire weekend with them and the kids and please bail me the heck out of that, because I don't think I can deal with them right now. It's only been a month since they were here last!" Koi got along well with her family; she was just the oldest of a big group and she liked her college life more primarily because she got to stand out here.

"We'll just hang out at my place.  I don't work." I had taken two weekends off work just in case I kept the job, or needed another week to make a decision.  It would literally be the first weekend I'd gotten off in years.  I was always busy.

"Alright, but you have to come by and pick me up. And dress nice. I'm gonna tell them we're going on a date, alright?" Being gay they were totally alright with, but the idea of Koi missing a family dinner? That was just not allowed, nope, not without an extremely good reason. But after Koi said that, she thought about how Luzy had yelled at her, and stumbled to amend herself. "I mean. If you're cool with me saying that. I know you were skittish about cuddling the other night so I don't wanna overstep."

"…skittish?" She looked at me.  I looked at her.  I had no idea what she was going on about… "No." She blinked. "Your parents know me, Koi.  I'm not gonna let you parade me around as your girlfriend to get out of dinner!  Get real plans or a better fake date.  Preferably someone who won't ever have to see your parents again!" I could see it now. "Why did you two break up?  Was our daughter not good enough?" Oh jeeze!

"You're such a brat sometimes, why can't you just be my scandalous lesbian-lover for one weekend, gosh." Koi burst out laughing and killed the engine, having pulled up into the apartment block parking lot. "Fine, fine, I'll work something out — but if I don't, you're coming to dinner at least one of the nights so I don't have to suffer alone. Got it?"

"Yeah, sure.  I ain't got anythin' going on." Truth be told, even hanging out with Koi's crazy siblings was better than being alone over the weekend.  I hadn't seen them in a couple months anyway, maybe since the summer.  I could have worse weekends.

"Is it cool if I use your car to drop my scooter off at the mechanics? I'll meet you upstairs in like twenty minutes, alright?" Okay, so maybe it wasn't the cuddling that set her off. The girlfriend plan didn't make her mad at all, so what had happened the other night? Why was she so abrupt? Ugh. It wasn't worth thinking about it. "I'll be up in a bit, you go get into something comfortable, Little Luzy."

"…hey?" "…huh?" "Luzy?" "Huh?" "Luzy!" "…what…?" "What?" "….what?" "LUZY!  Are you even listening?" I rubbed my eyes, glossy like water.  I looked like I'd start to cry, but without any telltale signs.  I played with the edges of my top and shook my head. "I'm sorry… I… zoned out…" We were here.  In my parking lot.  How long had we been here…

"Alright, I guess I'll take you upstairs, you're acting weird." Koi closed the door and went around to the passenger side and opened Luzy's, holding out her hand. "Hold my hand, alright? I don't want you spacing out and falling down the stairs or something." Luzy was bigger than Koi, but right now she was looking up at her Japanese friend like she was the tallest giant in the world.

"I'm okay…" "You look like you're gonna cry or something, Luzy.  Shit." "I'm fine…." I played nervously with the edge of my shirt.  My fingers couldn't keep still.  I blinked a couple times, wondering if I really would cry.  I didn't, though.  I just didn't feel right… "I'm probably tired…"

The gloss in Luzy’s eyes was so obvious — she was upset? "You can cry if you wanna, I'll take care of you, doll." Koi knelt down next to the passenger seat and took her best friends hand.  The two of them walked up the steps to the apartment and Koi let the both of them in before sitting Luzy down on the sofa. “Let it out, ladybug."

"I'm just sleepy…" My voice didn't sound like me.  It sounded… lazy.  Like I was tired.  Or that I didn't know how to make inflections work proper.  I rubbed my eyes a little bit and looked back up at the girl again.  Even though my eyes were wet, I didn't cry.  And I didn't feel tired, either… not really…

"Luzydoll… do you know where you are? We're in your apartment. Just the two of us, are you okay?" She looked like she might be about to have a seizure or something, though appropriately enough, Luzy would be the one most qualified to judge what that expression looked like — it would be covered in her classes for childhood health. Koi would just have to make it work with what she knew. "Pretty Little Luzy… talk to me."

I pushed Koi.  I pushed her hard.  She fell backwards, into the coffee table, and looked up at me with complete shock.  I pulled my knees to my chest, burying my head in my thighs, and shaking my head over and over. "Lemme alone… stop, stop… please lemme alone… wanna go home… please… wanna go home…"

What the heck? Koi bit her lip and frowned, looking up in exacerbation from where she'd fallen on the heavy oak table, and like a turtle it took her a few moments to get back to her feet. "Luzy…. doll? It's me, it's Koi. You're at your home. See? This is your apartment. Your sofa, your coffee table, your living room. Your best friend, that's me. Koi."

Whenever she'd get too close to me, I'd kick at her with my feet.  I peered up at her from under my eyelids, biting hard on my lip.  She seemed… familiar… right?  But I… I couldn't remember… but she knew my name!  But she's… Koi?  Koi, Koi, Koi……

"Babe, you're worrying me." This wasn't like her. She was sick, she had to be sick — there wasn't really any other explanation. Koi thought about calling an ambulance, but Luzy started to flash recognition in her eyes and so Koi gave her a few more moments. "I'm Koi. Your best friend. You like to chase my laces around when we're drunk and try to unwrap me like a present, see?" She turned around and jiggled the black laces at the lower back of her corset, hoping to flash more recollection.

I blinked twice, looking at the girl nervously, and bit my lip harder.  A little spec of blood appeared on my skin, and it leaked down my chin.  The girl moved forward to clean it away, but I kicked at her all the same.  She stood back.  She watched me.  I watched her.  The laces.  The… corset…?  A familiar word.  Laces.  Koi…

Koi did well with bedwetting. She did well with her friend screaming obscenities at her. She did not do well with blood, not as long as she could remember. She needed to clean it up, because it was making her stomach hurt. And it was also making her more compassionate. "Luzy darling, can I please clean that from your chin? I'll be gentle, I promise."

I shook my head, and she kept her distance. "Luzy, please…" “Go away…" "Luzy… I… you're hurt…" "I don't care…" "…Luzy, it's gonna mess up your clothes… please…" I bit a little harder on my lip, a little more blood, and looked down at my shirt.  It was orange.  An icky orange.  But the sleeves were nice… “F-fine…"

She was acting so… childish. That was the best term for it. This was it, huh? This was her sharing this, or whatever. Maybe a test. A show of trust? Fuck, Koi, you don't know what you're doing here. Uh. "Good girl, yes you are." Gently, she used the corner of a piece of tissue to wipe away the blood. God, she's not a dog, Koi. She wants to be treated like a kid. You can do that. "Get you all cleaned up, there we go, isn't that better?"

I nodded my head, just a little, and she held the tissue to my lip, where the blood had come from.  I stared at her with mild recognition and she stared back with horrible nerves written all over her face.  I looked at her over and over.  I just… couldn't remember… who she was… but I knew her.  Of course I knew Koi.  Koi… who was Koi…

"You're a good girl, aren't you, Luzy? I know you are. And you'll feel better soon.” Right? RIGHT? She wouldn't keep this going for too long, it was just a test. Psh. Koi could pass this, no problems. Treat her like a kid. Easy. "Do you wanna unwrap me again? Like a present, like we did before?" Typically it was too early in the day for Koi to want to have her corset taken off, but it did seem to placate Luzy the other night.

She turned around and waited.  I looked at her, at her eyes, and then the back of her head, and then, a bit later, the strings.  My fingers, shaking, reached out and grabbed them.  With a little tug, the strings came undone.  And I started to untie her corset.  And I knew how.  Of course I knew how.  I'd done it a million times…

"See, that's fun, right?" Yup, Koi, that's what you have to offer kids — unlacing your corset. You're gonna be a great parent. Ugh. "And then it come off just like magic, see?" She'd have to rub the cream into her tummy as soon as she got a chance, but it wasn't urgent. "Do you remember who I am now, doll?"

"Koi…" She smiled and I looked up at her.  I looked around my apartment quietly, looking at the coffee table knocked over, at plate that had broken and the water dampening some school papers.  I saw the tissue in her hand, covered in blood.  I licked my lips, wincing. "Ow…."

That sounded more like the Luzy that Koi knew. "Starting to feel more like yourself, Luzy? You kinda freaked for a bit, there, started getting a bit violent. I think you were just a bit dazed, though, and couldn't remember where you were." Or who Koi was, but she wasn't going to rub that in; obviously something had just transpired.

"I'm sorry…" I touched my lip.  Blood spotted on my fingertips.  My head was killing me… “Do you have any Advil…?" "It's your house, Luzy." "…right… of course it is… right…" I got up from the couch, but Koi sat me back down. "It's cool.  I'll get it." “Okay… right…"

The last thing Koi was going to do was giving Luzy access to a bottle of pills, so the small girl made her way into the tiny bathroom, took out two pills and a cup from under the sink with water before returning to the girl.  "Here, babe. Make sure to finish your water, you might have just been dehydrated." It was possible. Unlikely as heck, but possible. Man, she really had freaked out.

I took the pills, but they weren't helping.  My head kept getting worse, worse, worse.  But I wasn't screaming or crying or complaining about the pain.  The pain didn't make it hurt.  It just made it hard.  Hard being awake… "I'm… um… gonna just put my eyes… down… a sec…"

"I'm gonna lay with you. We'll cuddle, kay?" Koi actually had a class in an hour, but her friend wasn't in any condition to be on her own, and besides this would give her a chance to test the theory that it wasn't her proposal for cuddles the other night that had sparked that little moment of anger.

"Sure…" Koi helped me to my feet, but I barely made it to my room before slipping.  She held me up by the shoulders.  She looked me in the eyes, holding my cheeks in place, but my eyes were already slipping closed.  By the time my head touched the pillow, I was out.  Sleep came like that.
 

[Sophie ♥]

30.)

Koi didn't make her evening class.  At seven she had a friend bring over her cream, and at 9, when Luzy was still not awake, she ordered pizza. Luzy was out like a light, her thumb curiously between her lips. Not that Koi cared that much, for all she knew that was normal for Luzy and she'd just never seen it before. It was close to midnight, all in all, before the girl began to stir, and Koi was sitting with her legs crossed at the end of her comforter, pouring over notes from the class she missed.

"Koi…?" She looked up from her papers with a little smile.  Worry.  Relief.  Concern.  Compassion.  She was still that Koi.  The one that found me in the hospital.  Would that ever go away…? "What are you doing here…?" "Just keeping an eye on you." “Uh… thanks, but… I can take care of myself…"

"Yeah, you'd think that. But then you'd zone out in the car, lose an hour of time, and then freak out and bite through your lip when you saw me.” It was a light-hearted tone, at least, and it had to be — Luzy had chosen to show her 'kid' self to Koi, and she hoped she'd done okay. "I don't mind babysitting, I didn't have much else on. I left some pizza in your fridge."

“What are you talking about…?” "…pizza.  I ordered pizza.  There's some in the fridge." "…no, about…" Then I noticed the stinging on my lip.  I touched it with my hand, looking down at my fingers.  No blood.  But it hurt… "What are you going on about, Koi?  Why are you talking crazy?"

Okay, so she didn't wanna talk about it. Fine.  Whatever. "I think you just zoned out, but you're good now — I'm gonna go." The tiny girl crawled up the bed and kissed Luzy's nose before sliding off and standing up. "I'll see you in class tomorrow. Have something to eat, alright?" Koi wasn't pissy, she was just…. okay, yeah, she was pissy. She'd played this game, she'd babysat, she'd done her best, and now Luzy was just going to freeze her out?

"Koi…?" But she left.  She left me alone and I sat there, sitting in bed.  Things were fuzzy.  I was… uh… I was in her car.  I was fine.  And… we came inside.  I guess I fell asleep?  But I'd bitten my lip.  Bitten my lip because I saw Koi?  Right?  That's what she said, and it made sense in my head.  Maybe because… she was trying to scare me?  I didn't get it.  All in all, I felt alone.  And I was alone.  And… and I didn't like it…

"Yes, Marta can watch the girls, I can come and get you." Nora finished typing on the phone and pulled her coat on; she wasn't in the habit of going out at night, not this close to midnight, but the text message had seemed rather troubling, and right now she would do all she could to help encourage Luzy to reach out to her. Even if it did mean a midnight drive or two.

"Do you want to come back to my place?" I shook my head. "…well, do you want to talk about it?" "I don't know what to say…" "How are you feeling?" "Lonely…" "Even though I'm here?" "…no, I guess not.” "But you don't want to come home with me?" I shook my head again. "I have school tomorrow." "…Luzy, are you sure you're okay?" "…yeah.  I just… don't usually feel like this…." "Ever?" "Nuh uh…" "You've never been lonely?" "I like being alone…"

"Nobody likes being alone — it's just that some people have no choice but to get used to it. But familiarity isn't affection, and you shouldn't ever forget that." The two of them were sitting in the parking lot of the apartment block, in Nora's spacious sedan lit dimly and warmly by the sort of light that only existed in cars at night. "If you’d like, I can have Marta drop you off in plenty of time for classes in the morning. I really would like to have you come home with me for a spell."

"No, Koi's mad at me… I mean, she's not answering her phone, which is weird.  I don't know.  I feel like I'm losing… losing… something.  Or missing something.  Definitely something that's supposed to be here, and not here, you know?  Losing or missing…" I wasn't making sense. "I'm sorry I called you out here… I just…" The truth? "I don't have friends… so…"

"You have Koi, and she certainly seems to care for you — more than likely, she's asleep: it is one in the morning. I would also consider you to be my friend, as does Marta, and certainly the girls. There are more people in your life to conquer loneliness than you might realize, truthfully." The woman placed her fingers at the base of Luzy’s neck, and slowly began to play with her hair, because she was very, very good at that.

I settled into the side of the woman's car, my head against the headrest.  She played with my hair and I looked up at her quietly.  Things were very slow for a moment, so ridiculously slow, and I closed my eyes. "I should go upstairs," I muttered.  My phone was up there.  If Koi answered my texts and I wasn't there?  She'd lose her frickin' mind… "I'm sorry for calling you out here…"

"You're not a burden, Luzy. You're a treasure. Please pack a pair of pajamas, and come back down — I'll have you back here in more than enough time for class. It's good for you not to be alone, and I must insist." Honestly, she'd take no for an answer — she wasn't here to control, not yet. She was here to offer surrender of control for a few hours.

“Yeah… okay…" I shouldn't have agreed.  I didn't want to go back there.  I didn't want the woman think I was going to take her up on that job offer.  I didn't want the girls to think I'd be back on the weekends.  I just wanted to stay upstairs.  But when I was upstairs, when I was alone again, I didn't like it.  I wished I wasn't an only child.  I wished Koi wasn't an only friend.  But what was there to do?  This was just… reality.  There wasn't two of them.

When Luzy sat down in the car again, Nora leaned over, kissed her forehead, and pushed a pacifier between her lips. It tasted sweet, like rock-candy, and was soft and chewable as all good pacifiers were. "Don't make a fuss, just close your eyes, lean back, and relax. We'll be there before you know it." The woman slid her car from the parking lot.

I pulled the pacifier out of my lips, my cheeks red like apples.  The woman started driving down the road.  I knew it was over twenty minutes until we'd get there, until we'd reach her strange home. "I'm not one of your girls," I reminded her, like she'd forgotten. "I'm staying over at your request, not for any other reason."

"It's got an infant-sedative, it's medicinal," the woman explained. “You're anxious, and you're deeply introspective. That stuff doesn't do much for adults, but it does give you a nice little haze to help you relax, that's all." It was the first time the woman had ever been so forthcoming, and it made it pretty clear that she was viewing Luzy as an equal, and not as one of her girls.

I looked at the pacifier.  It was small.  It was white.  And like she'd said, the teat was coated in something foggy, and was filled up with fog.  I bit my cheek and looked it over.  Hmm… "I'm not anxious…" "Liar." Yeah.  Hard to lie when it’s that obvious… so I put the pacifier back in my lips, sucking softly.  It didn't taste special...

Nora didn't gloat. She didn't have to. She knew when she handed Luzy the pacifier that she'd suck on it; it was only Luzy who was unaware of that fact. She sucked softly, and Nora drove, and the two of them didn't have to talk on the way to her house. For Nora, it was satisfying to have the girl back over, and for Luzy it was a relief not to be alone.

[Sophie ♥]

31.)

By the time we'd gotten there, twenty five minutes of silence later, I very well and truly felt the sedative.  I just felt very… mellow.  Not sleepy.  Not drugged.  Just… even.  Stable.  In control.  I crawled out of the passenger door and pulled the pacifier from my mouth.  When Nora and I both went to the front door, I handed her the pacifier. "Thanks, I guess..."

"Of course." The woman pocketed the pacifier and slid a key into the door, lights came on automatically when she pushed it open, tasteful evening down lights. "If you like, the girls don't even have to know you're here." Luzy was already standing by the stairwell when the woman locked the front door behind her and nodded. "You're welcome to sit up with me and watch some television, or sleep, either in your room or with one of the girls. What time is your first class?"

"Nine.” I was a masochistic girl.  If I slept now, I'd only have eight hours.  But I wasn't tired.  I went down the stairs first, Nora following behind. "Maybe it's best they don't see me… I don't want them thinking this is regular..."

"They're children, they only have Christmas once per year and that doesn't diminish their enjoyment of that, and I doubt you're a bigger deal to them than Christmas." Yes, that was a joke. Or something. Nora played with the Luzy’s hair at the bottom of the stairs. "I don't think it would be harmful, or set the bar of expectation. But the choice is up to you."

She had a point… a weirdly logical point.  But it was already so late… "Maybe in the morning… when they're awake… you know?" She nodded.  I guess it made sense she trusted my judgement now that I was filled up with infant sedative.  I was thinking much more logically, now.

"I'll be in the living room, and you're welcome to join me. I believe Marta is in her quarters, but she's also awake if you'd like to go say hello." The house was lit at night the same way as it was lit upstairs, tasteful and warm and cozy, an environment that could be easily replicated pretty much any time of year on account of the house's underground locale.

"I don't think she'd want me bothering her so late at night." We weren't that close, anyway.  I followed Nora into the living room and sat across from the television, on the other end of the couch.  I remembered this place.  This was where she asked about April.  She didn't ask about that tonight, though. "Why do you think Koi is mad at you, anyway?" "I really don't know… I got dizzy on the drive home from the cafe, I think.  And I fell asleep.  Maybe she's mad I fell asleep…" It was a rude thing to do.  But we'd take naps at each other's places all the time…

"Do you think it's possible that you didn't fall asleep, and maybe don't remember what happened? There is a precedent for that happening, isn't there? You’ve studied this a little as part of your transcript records — what is it called when a person’s mind elects to block out the memory of something?" The woman knew, of course; she just needed to make Luzy think about it.

…what was she talking about? "Repression?  Like, the defense mechanism?" I mean, sure, I knew it worked.  I'd seen it in effect.  But what she was insinuating was like, something almost completely different.  Just blocking out a few hours? "…I don't have any reason to repress something.  I don't do anything bad." Like kill someone?  Did she think I killed someone?

"Well, a few hours is quite unusual, but as someone who has blocked out a number of months, it's certainly not unreasonable and not unheard of. If something were to remind you of what happened in those months, it could make you black out the memory — a sort of self preservation." PTSD was difficult to explain to someone who didn't understand what it was. It was even harder to explain to someone who did know.

"I remember those months perfectly," I said flatly. "It's just none of your damn business." "Touchy touchy.” I crossed my arms over my chest and ignored the woman on the couch.  I remembered it as well as I remembered any memory.  Sure, they weren't perfect.  But I remembered!  Why would I block anything out?  Fuck her…

"And if I knew otherwise, would you want to know? Or would you rather be ignorant to the fact, even if it means the occasional blackout, the odd friend being upset with you for reasons you can't remember?" The woman peeled the lid off an ornate box next to her side of the sofa and pulled out two fancy sugar cookies in lovely shapes, handing one to the girl as she held the other. Food for thought.

"You're fucking with me.” "Don't swear." "I'm not on the clock!" "That won't stop me from making sure you don't swear," she said firmly.  I remembered the foam, the way it made me feel, the way it tasted, and I relented… "That's not true though… is it?  I mean… you're just messing around, right?" Something I couldn't remember?  Did I do something to Koi?  Did she… did she hate me now?  My stomach turned, and I played with my hands in my lap.  I felt so ill… "How would I know?" she said to me.  So she was bluffing… "There is one way we can find out, though.” “…huh?" "I could hypnotize you."

"If you would be okay with it, that is." One particular advantage that Nora had was that she knew what had happened with Doctor Lorie; she knew what he'd done to Luzy. Consciously, Luzy seemed to have repressed just about everything, and the offer was almost only to see how she would react to the practice of hypnotism now. "It would be a very easy way to see if you're repressing things."

"Of course I'm not.  You're being an idiot." I curled up against the edge of the sofa, looking at the television as it flickered quietly in the dark room.  Of course I wasn't… but… but why was Koi upset with me?  She wasn't.  She just went to bed early - that's all.  That's why she wasn't talking to me…

The woman smiled faintly, not put off by the reaction — it was defensive. Expected. She sipped her drink quietly in the dimmed evening lights on her living room. "But you're not certain of that, are you? You're missing a piece of the puzzle and you're worried what that all means." It was interesting how much weight that she'd put into integration for Luzy & Little Luzy, and how reliability the concept was starting to unravel — Little Luzy was just permission, in the end. Integration wasn't the answer.

"…I don't believe in hypnotism…" Which was true.  She looked nervous for a moment, before turning back to the TV.  Why would she look nervous? "It's just a sham, get people to act like chickens or whatever.  Magic tricks…"

Ah-huh, well now that reaction was interesting. Nora wasn't certain if it was good interesting or bad interesting but it was interesting all the same."Well, if you're so certain that it's not real, you'll have no problem with allowing me to hypnotize you then, will you? After all, what do you have to lose?" The woman was careful to only gently challenge Luzy, and not to bully her, or pressure her.

"…and you think pretending to hypnotize me is going to tell you if I'm repressing stuff?" Not that I thought I was.  Not that I had doubts.  But… I bit my cheek and looked down at my hands in my lap.  I needed to be able to trust my own memories, right…?  If this gave me clarity… "Whatever… I have school in the morning, so be quick…"

Despite Luzy’s skepticism, once she was laid down on the sofa, the television switched off, and Nora sitting by her side, the words began to wrap around her. Not that Nora was an expert in the field, but she had used hypnosis a few times with more specific cases to break through barriers (or, more rarely, to erect them.) She knew what she was doing, knew how to make her words fluid, melodic, and heavy, burdensome at first and then comforting, warm like a blanket, safe like an embrace. The girl on the sofa started to fade, not into sleep, but into something far more useful. Far more usable. "…just the same as the thoughts inside there, the same tone, the same sound… the same. These words are your thoughts… that makes so much sense." Nora knew that conversation was possible, limited conversation, but honestly she knew all that she was looking to know already. This was for show.  That didn't mean she couldn't place the groundwork in here to help Luzy.

"This is stupid…" "Shhh…" I sat quietly, my legs crossed.  Everything was dark here, but I could see just fine.  It was normal, in its own way. "It's not working." But nobody answered back.  I sighed and put my head on my arms.  I had to get to sleep.  I couldn't keep playing these dumb games.

Luzy was in a strange place; conversional, but pliable, her mind open for read and write, the words she heard becoming simple truths. "You won't remember what we talk about, Luzy, not after you wake up. But you'll retain directions and instructions all the same." Not that most of her experiences with hypnotism had required the direction not to actively remember, but this session was quite unique. "You understand, don't you.”

"Hello?" I sighed, climbing up from my feet.  Everything was still dark.  Part of me wanted the sun to come up, so I could find my way out.  But another part of me knew what it meant.  School.  Work.  It was so stressful… I just… needed it to be dark for a while.  Maybe that's why it was so dark in the first place… "I really have to get up now… hello?"

"The darkness is a good thing; it's safety, the passing of stress. Or absence. It's a good way to hide away, but it can be scary, too. There are other ways, other ways to not be stressed, other ways to be safe. Ways to cleanse. Ways that aren't so scary." Luzy, of course, hadn't moved — she was still laying on the sofa, recounting everything she saw, everything she said, her voice dully monotonous. And what she saw was darkness. Safety, but scary. And the voice of Nora resonated inside of her, even in the darkness, ever-present.

"This is so stupid…" I kept walking, looking around, but I couldn't find anything.  I wanted to be angry or frustrated.  I wanted to lash out at the darkness for keeping me here.  But I just… didn't.  I was surprisingly calm.  I ran my fingers over themselves, trying to find a way out…

"Absence of everything isn't the only protection. There are those in the world who are protected, protected by convention, by attire, by others. Protected from anything of harm and ill." The words were heavy and internal, natural and well-fitting. "You could be protected. You long to be protected. You long to escape the dark as your savior, the dark is cold. Heartless. You seek warmth."

I exhaled, my breathing visible in front of me.  I wrapped my arms around me, looking around nervously.  It was getting cold.  It was probably getting late.  I needed to get inside.  Or wasn't I inside?  I couldn't remember… "Hello?  Anybody?" Jeeze, it was freezing…

"Darkness is lonely. Safe. But cold. And lonely. You prefer warmth. Protection. You would embrace a new way… a new way to be safe." Luzy would be able to go deep, to receive complex instructions, that much was clear. But Nora didn't seek to create a new alter, even one as much a puppet as Little Luzy. This was different. "It makes sense to be safe. Children are safe. Protected. It makes sense."

"Hello?  Hello?!" I rubbed my eyes, shivering.  My toes were frozen solid, and I walked slower and slower.  I needed a coat.  Or… or a… ugh.  I couldn't think.  I just needed to get out of here.  I just needed to be away from this stuff… "Please… somebody?  It's so cold… please…" I slipped to the ground, gasping for air.  It brought icicles to my lungs.

"A blanket would keep you warm. A blanket would provide safety. A small one, a pretty one, in powder blue. A blanket, you see it, you can take it. It's yours." It would be a good in — the blanket, metaphysical as it was, would keep her warm. And safe. Protected. Children see blankets as protection. A gateway.

I looked ahead of me, a blue blanket on the ground.  I scrambled over to it, pulling it around my shoulders.  The cold slipped away and I tugged it tighter around me.  Slowly, I started to thaw.  The air in my lungs warmed up.  I felt less dizzy.

"Children find protection from blankets like that, they seek refuge in the warmth when they're anxious, and worried. They find protection. Children are always protected, protected by many things, and by people. Children are safe. To be safe, to keep your blanket, you know it's okay to be a child in some ways." Nora watched Luzy, no longer shivering, but conflicted. "If you prefer not to be protected, cast off the blanket. If you prefer to be safe, then proclaim it to be okay."

I looked at the blanket wrapped around me nervously, biting my lip.  I slipped it off my shoulders and the cold came rushing back.  I couldn't even stand up.  Again, I wrapped it around myself and pulled myself to my feet, walking forward.  It kept me warm.  It kept me safe.

She'd accepted it. Accepted the blanket. Accepted that it kept her safe. Accepted that it was childish. "The blanket keeps you safe, because it's childish. Childish things are bastions of safety. You accept this as fact. Accept that being childish means being safe. No matter how stressed or scared you may become, there is always a measure of childishness that will protect you. Nod. Accept."

I nodded.  I wasn't sure why, but I nodded.  I kept walking through the darkness, wrapped in my blanket.  I may have been lost and nervous, but I was warm.  At least I was warm, for now.  The cold sucked, and I knew the sun would come up soon, but until then, I was warm.

"The blanket keeps you safe, the blanket keeps you warm. But your teeth still chatter when you're cold… your muscles still tense when you're stressed. There is a way to keep your lips safe… to warm your cold, and ease your stress. There is a pacifier in your hand. Childish. Safe. Acceptable. When the blanket isn't enough to calm you, enough to keep you safe on its own, you need only push that between your lips. It makes sense." It did make perfect sense, the way she worded it. Blankets were childish, but acceptable. Safe. Pacifiers were the same way.

I wasn't cold anymore, but I couldn't help but tense up.  No wind came, but I couldn't help myself anticipate it.  I waited for it.  I braced myself.  I didn't let it subside.  I held the blanket more diligently over me, but it didn't help.  I was too nervous.  I rubbed my eyes before noticing the pacifier in my hand.  I looked down at it with a blush on my cheeks.  Or maybe that was just the cold… "This is stupid…"

"This makes sense. You resisted the blanket for its childishness, but it keeps you safe. Childish things keep you safe. You have accepted this. You accept the pacifier, you accept that sometimes you need more than you realize you do. You accept protection, the same as any other child accepts protection." The woman's voice never wavered, never became anything more than the smooth sound of inner thoughts.

I hesitated, looking at the little object in my hand.  It would help.  I knew it would.  I knew everywhere in my body that it would.  But I wasn't a baby!  I wasn't… I played with it quietly.  My body ached from the tenseness.  I was having trouble walking straight.  I felt like I was rusting.  Quietly, I pushed the pacifier between my lips.  I sucked softly and could move like water.  

"If you are stressed, if you are scared, cold, unsafe, you can find safety in childish things. Find comfort as children do. The more childish, the more protection and happiness. You know this. You have always known this. You have always accepted this. You are safe with your blanket and your paci. Safe from the cold. Safe. Content. Happy. Warm. The darkness even seems a little less dark, doesn't it?"

The sky was a dim grey.  A vague grey.  I looked around nervously, but it didn't seem so bad anymore.  No sunlight, not yet.  But that's good.  I didn't want it to be morning.  I didn't want to worry about school or work just yet.  I just wanted to stay here a little bit.  I sat down on the ground, also a dark grey, and sucked on the pacifier.  This wasn't so bad...
 

[Sophie ♥]

32.)

I blinked, looking up at the ceiling.  My chest was hurting, but I shouldn't have thought that was new.  I sat up a little too fast on the sofa, and looked up at Nora with a sense of panic.  But when I realized where I was, when I noticed I was okay, I calmed down a little.  I played with my fingers in my lap, looking around the room. "I think I fell asleep…"

The woman smiled, nodding her head and concealing everything but a small smile. "You must be tired. Come now, I'll take you to your room." The room in question just so happened to have a baby-blue blanket, of course, and the woman would ensure that a pacifier was in eyeshot once Luzy was left alone. Not that she expected remarkable results, not so soon, but it would be interesting to see how far the girl would accept new truths.

"…it didn't work, then?" "We can try again tomorrow if you'd like?" “No, I don't…" Ugh… "I mean… I'm…" My chest was hurting.  I shook my head, my hand still in the woman's, as she led me down the hall.  I didn't know why I was holding her hand.  It just happened. "Um… I'm sure I'm fine… I don't need any more… um… attempts..."

"We'll make another attempt tomorrow, perhaps when you're not quite so tired." The hand-holding was new — childish, cute, and Luzy had done it without protest or complaint, easing away what had been a flustered and soured look from her face in the process. The bedroom was the same as ever, with the powder-blue comforter on the bed as the woman led Luzy over and pulled back the blanket. "Here we go."

"Thanks…" I looked at the blanket with  flash of recognition.  But I'd been in this room all last weekend.  Of course I recognized it.  Still.  My fingers toyed with the edge of it, my heart pounding in my chest. "Is there anything else I can get you?" "No, I'm good…" I pulled the blanket up to my chest, looking down at my feet.  Everything felt heavy, but… it wasn't so bad...

The woman opened a drawer in the bedside table, and lined up like chess pieces, were two dozen pacifiers in different colors and shapes and sizes. Carefully, she plucked up two of them, and smiled, looking at Luzy. "The girls will have finished their treat-filled pacis, and if I don't change them out for proper ones before I go to bed, they'll both end up sticky and unhappy." Her hip nudged the drawer, but it stayed mostly open and Nora stopped by the door to turn out the light. A nightlight kicked in, dimly lighting the room, and gently she clicked the door shut, leaving Luzy with the blanket and the ajar-drawer of pacifiers in arms reach.

I curled up to the pillow, looking at the nightlight.  The blanket was warm and happy and it brought with it a sense of security.  I rinsed myself in it, letting it wash me clean.  Everything was fine for a long time.  But after a couple minutes, I just couldn't fall asleep.  I knew I had to be up in six hours.  I knew I had to get to school.  I knew I couldn't be late to another class.  The worries swarmed me.  I thought quietly about the drawer.  About the girls in the other room.  They slept so soundly.  I looked over at the drawer and leaned in.  There were a good number of pacifiers, strewn about.  If one wasn't in there in the morning, it wouldn't even be noticed… so without thinking, I took one out and popped it in my mouth.  Within minutes, I was asleep.

"Miss, it's time for you to wake up." Marta was standing by the side of the bed, politely, a small smile on her lips. The pacifier had fallen from Luzy's mouth, but was on the sheets by her chest — out of sight, mostly, enough for the girl to believe, perhaps, that Marta hadn't seen it. "I've prepared breakfast for you, will I be seeing you in the dining room? The children are still asleep."

"Mm…. five more minutes…." "Miss, please.  Breakfast is waiting." The woman left the room, leaving me alone.  I pulled myself up and rubbed my eyes, looking around the room of mild sunlight.  It wasn't very early.  Then I remembered.  I looked around in a panic for the pacifier, finding it beside my hip, and trying to figure out if it was out of sight.  It probably was, right?  Right.  Marta would have said something.  So I put it back in the drawer before anyone noticed and pulled myself out of bed.  Why had I slept with it?  Why had I wanted it?  I was over it… I had gotten over that stupid stuff…

"Is it cold, Miss? I could turn up the heat, if you like." Marta was ever-courteous, even as Luzy sat down at the table with the blue blanket wrapped around her still. On the table was a bowl of oatmeal with honey and fruit, as well as scrambled eggs, toast and bacon on a side-plate, and a glass of chocolate milk beside that. A pretty solid and encompassing breakfast, to be quite honest. "Is everything to your liking?"

"I'm fine, I just… do this when I wake up…" I didn't, not really.  I mean, when I was younger I used to carry my blanket out of bed with me.  I guess I didn't really have time to do that anymore.  I pulled the blanket around me and took a bite of the bacon.  It was so good!  I always loved the food here… "Thank you, Marta."

"It's my pleasure, Miss. The Lady of the House and the children are still asleep, so I'll be delivering you home. If there is anything I could do for you, please let me know — I'm at your disposal." The maid curtseyed with a smile. "With your permission, Miss, I'll take my leave to tend to a few things before we depart."

"Yeah, of course.” She left me alone with my food.  I looked down at my meal and ate slowly, biting the inside of my cheek.  Anything she could do for me.  I could think of something.  But I shook my head.  I was done with that!  That part of my life was over!  I'd resolved it, and that was the end of it.  I wouldn't fall back into old habits just because of what happened here last weekend.  I knew better…

The maid returned not too long after she took her leave, bubbly and perky as she ever was — how she managed to be at this hour of the morning was anybody's guess. "If you don't mind my saying, Miss, it's a pleasant surprise to see you again. I hope that everything was okay last night, and that you're feeling a little better this morning." Marta wasn't usually the conversational type, but she did tend to be a little more open when it came to Luzy.

“Yeah.  Um… I'm okay.” I had nearly finished my food.  Marta stood alongside me.  I wondered if she was allowed to sit down.  Actually, I wondered if she lived here.  I mean, she had a room… but then again, I had a room. "I just had a bad night… I'm better.  I promise."

"I'm relieved that hear that, Miss, truly I am. The Lady of the House has given directions that I'm at your disposal until the start of your first class for the day, so if there is anything at all I could do for you, or any errands that might need to be tended to, please let me know; it doesn't matter how small or esoteric or personal." She wore a maid’s uniform, it seemed, in perpetuity, but before they left for the morning she would change into something more fitting for being outside the house.

"I'm okay… really.” She nodded her head and I looked down at my plate of food.  I could just ask.  I mean, what if I got home and I regretted it?  No, I'd just throw it away.  Or worse, I wouldn't.  No.  I didn't want to go down this road!  I knew what was down this road!! "I'm okay.  Thank you for breakfast..."

"You seem troubled, Miss." The maid did something she hadn't done, not with Luzy, not before — she knelt down next to the chair, the way that an adult would with a child, and she smiled up at her. "While I'm tending to your needs, Miss, I'm bound to be confidential. So please don't feel as though you need to be shy, you can ask quite nearly anything of me."

"I just…" I wanted to ask her a favor.  But I had another favor, too, and they conflicted.  It was a serious problem.  I needed her to stop me from doing anything stupid.  But I need her to do something stupid for me.  I just… ugh. "Could you just…" Ugh! "Make… uh… make sure I don't… uh… take anything?" "…you think yourself a thief?" “Maybe…" I pulled the blanket tighter around myself.  

"Well, what is it that you'd like to take, Miss?" Marta didn't seem to be too offended by the idea, more like she was… surprised. "I don't think that you're a thief, Miss. I think that perhaps there is something you would like, and you're ashamed to think that you might just take it. How about you tell me what it is, and that way I can ensure you don't take it without permission."

I looked at my hands with red cheeks, shaking my head.  This was silly.  I was overreacting.  I didn't even want it.  I just… slept really well.  I was jealous of how well I slept.  It's like a really expensive hotel, and you want to take the sheets home.  That's all it was. "Never mind.  Nothing.  Come on, I'm gonna be late."

"Yes, Miss. As you wish." Luzy stood up, the blanket still wrapped around her, and Marta smiled. "I'll return that to your room, Miss, and fetch your purse. Meet me at the stairwell." Strangely, the girl seemed quite resistant to part with the blanket, but eventually she handed it over. Marta knew what it was she wanted, of course she did, and she ensured that the pacifier wound up in a small box in the bottom of her purse by the time she returned with it. "Your purse, Miss. Will there be anything else?"

"No thank you, I'm okay.” Marta drove me home.  We didn't really say much.  Maybe I just didn't have the energy.  I'd slept well, but today was nerve-wracking.  I had a lot to do.  And on top of it, I had to deal with Koi.  I didn't even know why she was mad at me.  Because I fell asleep?  I sighed, checking my phone. No texts…

Marta was dressed in a simple dress in shades of black and white to harken her uniform, but accented with dulled pink to provide something a little more than just something to be worn to work. She pulled the car up in the parking lot for Luzy’s apartment block, and smiled. "Is there anything else I could be of use for, Miss?"

"No thank you.” Marta smiled at me as I got out of the car.  I pulled my bag over my shoulder and dipped my head back down to look in the car at her. "You look nice in your dress," I said.  She blinked, but before she could respond, I closed the door.  I went up to my apartment and started to get ready for the day.  A long day.  Thursdays always were.
 

[Sophie ♥]

33.)

The class was like most others, a lecture hall, and a few dozen college students who would rather be anywhere but there — some, for absolute certain, had yet to even sleep. All looked unimpressed when the teacher announced that he was collecting their papers assigned last week. A few looked panicked. Luzy, perhaps, even more so than most — after all, as a girl renown for doing her papers at the last minute, having a personal crisis the night before didn't bode well.

"The syllabus says Tuesday," I pointed out, my hand still in the air. "Rough drafts are due today." I looked over the syllabus, at the print near the bottom of the day with the little asterisks.  Rough draft due Thursday.  My chest ached.  I flipped through the pages to find the weighted percentages.  Final essay - 20%.  Nothing about a rough draft.  Did that mean it didn't affect the grade?  Was it factored in?  

"Will that be a problem for you? If so, it would be polite to have let me know before today’s class. You have until 5pm, I expect your draft in my inbox." And it seemed like that was all that was going to be said on the matter, though it was enough to pile a significant level of stress on the poor girl, the girl who already had to deal with making amends with her best friend.

"Hey." One text. "I wanna talk." Two texts. "Let's get lunch." Three texts. All in one hour.  I sat at the computer in the library, my head in my hands.  I needed to think.  I was already skipping Pre-calc for this stupid essay.  It just had to be a rough draft, right?  But I had six hours to turn it in.  No problem.  But I had a class at three - I couldn't miss that one.  Four hours.  I didn't even have time to answer Koi's messages.  I needed to focus.

"You're avoiding me." Koi sat in the chair she'd dragged from the adjacent computer terminal, which was a big commitment for her; sitting down and standing up were monumental tasks this early in the morning when her laces were freshly tied. Even more of a commitment, because she had a class she had to be at in only a few minutes. "Lunch. You and me. Okay?"

"I have a paper to write." "Do it later." "It's due at five." "Do it after lunch." "I have class.” I was being aggressive.  I was being rude.  I couldn't even think.  I felt like crying.  I put my face in my hands again and closed my eyes tight.  When I opened them again, I was seeing stars. "I just… can't… I'm sorry… please… just…" My fingertips were shaking.

"Here." Koi dropped her keys into Luzy's purse, on the desk by the computer terminal. "Go do it at my apartment; you can use my laptop. I'll meet you there after class." Unlike Luzy, Koi's apartment was classified as on campus and was therefore on the campus network, which meant access to the library intranet. Besides that, though, Luzy was clearly freaking out and the privacy might do her good. "Try to stay calm, alright? Go to my place, chill out, get some work done, and I'll meet you there."

Maybe she wasn't mad at me.  Then again, "I wanna talk" isn't a usual text when people aren't mad at you.  I thanked her and saved out my file to the computer network.  I liked Koi's apartment, but she had a roommate.  Not like a "room" mate, but like a "dorm" mate.  I said hi to her - her name was Cindy - as I went through the dorm and into Koi's bedroom.  Luckily for me, Cindy was a quiet girl who didn't play bass drums or anything.  I opened Koi's laptop and sat down on the chair.  I started to work, but after a time I just couldn't focus.  Without thinking about it, I took Koi's blanket off her bed and draped it over my lap.  And I went back to work.

"I'm going out to get a sub, you want anything?" Cindy had her phone to her shoulder to muffle it as she stood on the other side of the closed bedroom door, despite the fact it wasn't 1985 and it wasn't a home phone, though the girl had suitably big hair that she could probably get away it.

“Nah, I'm good…" I wouldn't be able to stop and eat now, even if I tried.  I just needed to plow through this.  And honestly, with how little time I had left, I wasn't even sure I was gonna make it… "Thanks anyway." Having the blanket helped me a lot.  It didn't make sense, but it did.  I was still stressed as all hell, but at least I could think.

It was half an hour after that when the door opened again and someone entered — it wasn't Cindy, though, it was Koi, as she'd promised. "Hey, you in there?" There was no answer as the girl rapped on her own bedroom door, so she pushed it open after a few moments. "How's your thing coming? Your essay?"

I had my head on the table, looking up at the computer screen with a frown.  The blanket was wrapped over my shoulders and I felt like dying.  It wouldn't have been such a big deal if the computer didn't crash… "Everything froze…" "It'll be in the campus network." "I know, I just… need to keep working… and it's taking so long to reboot…" I had never felt so out of energy…

Koi sighed. Not a long and drawn-out sigh, but one she kept to herself because it was best that way. She'd resolved not to do it again, not to get embroiled in her best friends little kid stuff; it hadn't worked out that well. The night had ended okay, but it was just… kids were selfish. And Luzy, when she was acting like a kid, had turned out to be kind of bitchy. But regardless, and with a small pause, Koi finally talked herself back into it and made her way over to the girl, gently playing with her hair. "It'll be okay, sweetie."

I put my head on Koi's shoulder and she played gently with my hair.  Second by second, strand by strand, I started to feel better.  Not really better, but… less stressed.  Much less stressed. "Thanks," I muttered, curling up a little closer to her.  The clock ticked by, but I didn't really care.  This was nice...

This was a little better, admittedly; simple appreciation, and not standoffish demands or freak-outs. This was something that Koi could indulge, something acceptable. She played with Luzy’s hair, thinking quietly to herself for a spell. "Computer's back up, doll, you finish your paper and then we'll go out and eat, alright? I need to re-lace my corset anyway."

"Yeah, alright…" But we didn't move for another minute, her fingers in my hair.  I didn't know why it was helping as much as it was… "Oh, it's up again." I sat up straight, looking at the computer.  With a bit of clicking, I opened up the document again.  I was almost done, anyway.

It was night and day, strange as it was; the little ball of stress from the library, the defeated wilted flower when Koi had gotten back… they seemed flushed away next to the refreshed and calm girl of now. Did playing with her hair really mean that much? Maybe Luzy had a crush on Koi… maybe that was why she was acting weird, trying to include Koi in her child-acting stuff, holding her to such high standards. Maybe that's what all this was...

Things are a lot different when you aren't stressed about them.  I finished my essay in twenty minutes and checked the time. "I've got half an hour before class, if you wanna get Taco Bell or something." Did she still want to talk?  Was she still mad at me?

"Sounds good." Koi had finished re-tightening her laces a few minutes prior, and she dropped her phone and wallet into her best friend’s purse. "Can you carry those for me? My dress doesn't have any pockets." Because of course it didn't, because it looked like a child's dress. Which it was, because Koi took delight in being able to shop in the smallest possible sizes, and this dress was her motivation for lacing extra tight today. "How do I look?

"Gorgeous as always," I said with a smile, sending off the email and grabbing my purse from the desk. "Come on." We walked.  Koi wasn't comfortable riding her scooter with the dress on and I didn't bring my car with me - it was still parked outside the Science building.  So we went across campus on our own.  Honestly, at this rate, I'd probably be a little late.

"I need shoes that look this cute." It was a sore topic for Koi — she could lace her already-tiny body into any shape she wanted, but her feet weren't afforded the same luxury and despite being quite small, they weren't quite small enough for some of the shoes she'd have liked to wear. "I looked into corsets for feet and found foot binding, and that was not a fun night of reading, no it was not." Her hand brushed up against Luzy's as she walked, and for a moment, Luzy took it, making Koi tilt her head. "…you wanna hold hands?"

"What…?" I looked down at our hands together, and quickly let her go.  I felt color on flood my cheeks, and I turned away. "S-sorry.  Wasn't paying attention…" I hadn't had a boyfriend in a long time.  It made sense I did something stupid like that.  Maybe I needed to get laid…

"I thought it was cute, you don't have to be so shy about it — it's cute when girls hold hands. Gimme that." Koi snatched her friend’s hand back and stuck out her tongue. Maybe there was something to the crush theory, maybe Luzy did want to be with Koi. It was such an unexpected thing, though… Luzy liked boys. She absolutely did. And Koi had learned in her lifespan that you can't change someone's sexuality.

So we held hands.  I mean.  It was weird.  But I guess, like Koi said, it's cute when girls do it.  And I did like it, as weird as it was.  I mean, I hadn't been with anyone in so long, that… I mean, it was nice.  It was. "You know what I want," I said with pink cheeks, handing her my purse. "I'm gonna run to the bathroom."

"Mmhmm." It wasn't that Koi was a snoop. She was actually very trustworthy! She got her wallet from her best friend’s purse, and then pulled out her phone. At the bottom, though, was a small baby-blue box adorned with a bow. Like a ring-box, but a little bigger. A ring, then? Koi had to see it. Who was it for? What was it? She flicked the box open and saw not a ring, but a pacifier. A pacifier… well… that made some sense… kinda… not at all.
 

[Sophie ♥]

34.)

When I got out of the bathroom, my hands cold from washing, I joined Koi at a table.  She'd already gotten our food, and my purse was sitting beside the tray.  I sat down with a smile and opened up the wrapping on my taco.  I liked eating at Taco Bell, because I always made lesbian jokes at Koi.  She always ate one thing: beef soft-shell tacos.

So a pacifier. That was… well… that did fit in with the little kid thing. Koi tried her best not to let it bother her, and she deflected her thoughts with her meal. "Go on. Make your meat-in-my-taco comment and get it out of the way." She laughed. They both did, because they were friends. It didn't even occur to Koi to think about that box, or to think that she'd left it open in the bottom of Luzy’s purse.

I guess we were fine.  I mean, it was nice.  I didn't know what had upset her in the first place, but it was nice to see that part of our argument was over.  Koi was my best friend - I didn't want her to be mad at me.  On the way back to campus - five minutes late, I might add - Koi grabbed my hand again.  I looked down at our fingers intertwined. “I’m sorry about whatever I did wrong last night… I really didn't mean to upset you.” I was always shitty at apologies.

I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong was pretty shitty as far as apologies went. Honestly, it was just like saying I don't know what bad is. Koi sighed, and forced a smile, but didn't let go of Luzy’s hand. "Nah… it's probably my fault. You trusted me with something and  guess I kinda screwed it up. I'm trying to do better with it, like today, I just don't know sometimes. It's different, is all. Don't stress over it, though, you'll be fine. We'll be fine. And I love that you trusted me."

"Uh… alright?" I didn't know what she was talking about, though.  What I'd trusted her with?  Maybe because I let her pick me up from the cafe when I was feeling shitty?  That made sense. "Anyway, I think you did fine.  You didn't make me feel stupid or whatever, so…" She smiled, nodding her head. "I gotta get to class - I'll see you at five, okay?"

"Mmhmm." So that was that, then. Everything was cool? Maybe she could give this little kid thing another chance, maybe Luzy was going to be less self-centered about it, maybe it would be okay. And the pacifier, well… that wasn't so weird. RIght? And those things were like $4 in stores and if there was something cute like that which she could buy for Luzy on days she was feeling down… yeah. Yeah, this wasn't so bad...

Things were better.  Everything was better.  Today was one of the worst days I could remember, but it was over, now, and everything was okay.  For once in my life, I felt like things were okay!

///

"You're really not going back?" "Nope." If I wanted the job, I'd have to be there in five hours.  That's how much time I had left, before my shift would start. "You're crazy…" "I like things the way they are right now."

"And you'd like things even more if you had that kind of money. Think about all the nice stuff you could buy, and no more being called into work at the last minute of weeknights. Honestly, it would give us more time together, in the end." Well, that was probably a little optimistic, but Koi couldn't really be blamed. "I think you should go back for one more weekend, just to be sure. What can it hurt?"

"I don't want the girls to get attached to me." Honestly, they probably already were.  Ister, at least.  But I couldn't warrant it.  I needed them to understand I wasn't coming back.  And if I showed up today… "I know I won't take the job either way," I said simply. "No point dragging it out." "For money there is!" "Not if it hurts the kids." I had weird morals.

"I'm sure they have plenty of sitters, and they're kids, they'll get over it — but come on, you're also like the best sitter in the world. You'd be good for them, and the money would be good for you." Here goes nothing. "You could save up some, and we could hit Disney in the fall, and I'll hold your hand the whole time and play with your hair and be all babysitter-like for you."

“Uh…" Okay, that was weird… "What do you mean?" "I mean… I don't know, like we could go together, to Disney World.  And… I don't know…" "…babysitter?" "Yeah." "…why would I need a babysitter?" Oh man, this wasn't about the bedwetting, was it?  No.  We hadn't talked about that in like five days.  It was a dead topic.  And we hadn't talked about the "sippy cup incident", and that was over a year ago!  Then what was she talking about…

Uh. Fuck. Well, that went down like a plane without a pilot. Koi laughed, and nudged her best friend. "Oh man, you should have seen your face. I'm messing with you, like, you babysit them, I babysit you. You didn't get that?" One thing Koi had going for her was the fact she could play this stuff off and sell the performance. "Seriously, though, we could go. And I bet we could do that Princess Makeover thing, right? They do that for adults, I think I read somewhere."

I blinked, looking at Koi, and then smiled a bit.  She was so stupid sometimes.  I needed to stop worrying.  The kid stuff was long gone.  And as long as I stayed away from that house, it would be gone for a long time coming.  I just needed to make sure I didn't wind up there again. "I'll save up my Subway money." "That won't ever be enough." "Then we'll go next year."

Koi pouted and decided she simply needed to be more proactive about this. Why did she even care, again? Oh, that's right, because money was rarer for college kids than the god particle was for those researchers in Sweden, and more money meant less stress and Luzy was such a stressful girl. Slyly, her fingers ran up the back of her friends neck and started to tangle with her hair. Fine. She could use that Luzy had a crush on her to get her way.

I blinked, turning to look at Koi.  Her fingers played with the bottoms of my hair, across the back of my neck, and I bit my cheek.  Jeeze, that felt nice… “What…?" "Nothing," she said happily, and I turned to look out at the campus again.  We were just on a bench outside the dorms, watching the clouds roll around.  Fridays were lazy days.

Slowly Koi guided her friends head down onto her shoulder as she continued to play with her hair, like a puppet. She should take the job, she knew that she should, and she was just being stubborn. Stubbornness that Koi was good at breaking through, by virtue of being the best friend. "Tell me about the kids. What are their names?"

"Ister and Anni…" I wiggled against her shoulder.  Her fingertips curled around my hair and her shoulder felt comfortable.  I felt my eyes slip closed.  My voice slowed, lulling from obvious to sleepy.  Quiet. "They're… really nice girls…"

"They have pretty names, Ister and Anni. Which one is older? Anni sounds more like a little sister kind of name, to me.” She was so serene, like she'd stopped feeling like she needed to fight or protest, and Koi liked that. It was easier to convince her best friend to do the right thing one she got out of her own damn way.

"Ister's older… couple years…" "How old are they?" "Uh…" How old were they?  I mean, I knew they were like eighteen and twenty-three or something, but… "I think… five and… four…?" I had no idea where I'd gotten those numbers from.  But they felt right… like I'd be told them… but I didn't remember being told. "I thought you said a couple years apart?" “Musta been mistaken…"

Luzy was sleepy, but not in the falling asleep way — more like the completely content way. Like being with someone you just want to be with for the rest of your life. How deep did this crush go? How long had she had it? Koi continued to play. "You miss them. Ister and Anni. You miss them, I know you do. You want to see them again, see the way they smile. I bet you make them smile all the time…"

"I guess… they're nice girls…" I rubbed my eyes, trying to sit back up.  Koi's fingertips played with my hair, though, and held me against her shoulder.  The clouds kept moving, slow like my thoughts.  I thought I was melting… "I guess I'll miss them…"

"It might be nice to see them again, though… you remember why you got into this, right? You wanted to make an impact on as many people as you could. To help kids grow up and have better lives because they met you." It was so pretentious, but right now it was a useful thing to have committed to memory. "Don't they deserve to have you in their lives? To grow up and have better lives for having known you? It makes sense to me..."

"I doubt I'm gonna matter," I said with a little pout. "Too late on all that…" I blinked, rubbing my eyes again.  I said too much.  I sat up proper, which took more effort than I felt I could manage.  The girl watched me, curious, and I smiled over at her. "Anyway, it's not important.  Let's talk about something else."

"Okay." Koi had, to her credit, done her best. She'd tried to coerce Luzy as best she could, but she couldn't force the matter. So she left it on one last note. "If you truly don't think you being there will make them better people, though, I think you're underestimating how amazing you are."
 

[Sophie ♥]

35.)

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Nora looked at me, then down at the watch on her wrist. "A couple minutes early.  Such wonderful work ethic." "I'm not here for the goddamn job, you lunatic!" I pushed the little blue box on the woman, color in my cheeks.  Honestly, I had to return it tonight.  I didn't trust myself with this kind of thing… "Don't put stuff in my bag!"

"Excuse me?" Nora, of course, recognized the little blue box and what could only be its contents, but she didn't flash any of it in her eyes. "I'm afraid I'm not sure what you're talking about — and your bag was in your room the entire time you were here last, if I recall. I wouldn't have had the chance, and as I didn't even take you to school, I think you must be mistaken. What is it?"

I didn't think she'd outright deny it!  I mean, I guess I shouldn't have put it past the crazy woman, but… "JUST!  UGH!  Take it so I can go home!" Still, I'd shown up surprisingly close to seven at night.  It wasn't intentional!  I just hadn't noticed it in my bag until an hour ago.  I couldn't believe she'd done something this stupid...

The woman sighed and looked down at the box. "If you borrowed something from my house without asking in advance, you don't need to make up stories — I'm not cross with you. I wouldn't think you'd take something unless you truly needed it — your moral code is part of why I hired you. Now, I'll be stepping out for the evening, but the girls are excited to see you and would like to watch some movies tonight, there's a selection available on the coffee table."

I puffed out my cheeks in frustration, pushing the box on the woman again.  Still, she didn't take it. "I AM NOT STAYING!  Ugh!  Hey!" She'd walked back inside, though, and I hurried to follow her. "I'm not staying.  I have work tomorrow!" Not true.  But she didn't know that.

"Yes, and tomorrow night, and the next day. Now, Ister needs a bath and cried until Marta agreed to let you do it, so you'll need to do that before much else. Her shampoo is the one in the orange bottle, you'll see it when you get in there." The woman looked concerned for a moment as she walked, like she was trying to remember something else of import. "I think that about covers it, but I'm sure I'm forgetting something…"

"I AM NOT STAYING!" I was screaming now, really screaming, and the woman tapped her cheek, trying to think.  She couldn't be this dense!  She wasn't going to leave those girls here alone.  And I wasn't staying.  I wasn't!  

"Well, that should be about it. Marta has the evening off, but I don't think there should be anything you can't handle. I'll be back around two in the morning, I suspect." She was dressed to leave, too, and it became abundantly clear that she had every intention of doing just that. "If you have any issues, I've left Marta's cell on the counter downstairs."

"W-wait… y-you can't just…" But the woman stepped out the door and closed it, leaving me alone in the room with the blue box in my hand.  I was completely stunned.  She couldn't have… no.  She was joking.  She didn't look like she was joking, though.  I thought about it.  I could leave.  I mean, they're not real kids.  I could just leave… right?  But I couldn't will myself out the door…

By the time Luzy came down the stairs, the blue box still in her hand, she had two curious sets of eyes looking up at her from the base of the staircase. The girls knew they weren't allowed up there, but they stood as close as they dare thought they would be allowed. "Loozy!!" Both of them shouted in excited unison, though Ister was a little louder and she threw her arms around Luzy as soon as she was able, forcing the blue box to drop to the floor.

I felt a little heat on my cheeks, hugging the girl with her arms around me.  I patted the top of her head and sighed.  I hated this.  But if Marta really wasn't here, what could I do?  I had to babysit… I had to do something.  Ugh.  At least I'd be getting paid… right? "Hey Ister, how've you been?"

"Okay… I missed you. Mommy said that you were here before, but you had to go before you could say hello so I'm glad you came back." "Uhhuh, me too! Miss Marta said that maybe you might be busy but you're not and so you can play wif us, uhhuh uhhuh." "I made you a thing too… with Legos." It was difficult to not hear children...

I sighed, smiling down at the two girls. "Well I'd love to see it." "Is this a present?" Anni asked, picking up the blue box.  I took it out of her hands and shook my head. "Not for you two.  Now come on, show me what you've been up to.  And then I'll get Ister ready for her bath."

"Uhhuh." Anni, however, remained focused on the box, the way any child might when a vague explanation was given. Ister lead the way to the their living room, where the legos were, and picked up a small circular thing she'd made — a necklace. Or rather, something closer to a choker. A perfectly articulated lego necklace, solidly constructed in differing shades of blue and lilac. "Is for you, Loozy, so you can always remember us when you're not here, uhhuh."

"…that's really cute.” It looked uncomfortable as fuck, but all in all, it was brilliant architecturally.  I put my head  down and pulled my hair up so the girl could snap it in place.  She had to take a piece or two off, but all in all, it was surprisingly comfortable. "Thank you so much!"

"Its pretty!" "I helped! I helped! I helped find some of the blue pieces, uhhuh." "Anni did help uhhuh, And I thought that you might maybe like a necklace because you don't have one." The collar's that were featured during their time with the horrible young doctor were also a key theme, but Ister would ever admit that much.

"It's really comfortable," I said with a happy smile.  I wasn't lying, either.  It was amazing exactly how nice it fit, exactly how… proper.  I let out a little sigh and looked at my feet.  I felt awkward.  Not different, exactly.  Just… off balance. "Okay!  Let's get you in the tub."

"Uhhuh! Bath!" "I wanna come too!" "Nuhuh! Anni! You already had you bath. Wif' Miss Marta." "Oh yeah…" "Loozy will put some colorings out for you, uhhuh, and then you can show her when she's done wif my bath." "That sounds okay…" Despite the apparent skepticism, the girl seemed relatively sold on the idea of coloring.

Ister acted a lot like other big sisters I'd babysat, and Anni acted much like a little sister.  I wondered exactly what the differences in times were when each got here.  How was age determined?  I didn't ask, though.  That would have been rude.  It's a question for their mom. So I laid out some crayons and took Ister by the hand.

"I missed you…" The attachment was, as Nora had discussed at length with Ister, harmful to her own recovery. She shouldn't have been focused on helping Luzy, when Luzy didn't yet seem to be ready to be helped. And even if she were, that was Mommy's job. But Ister knew things, Ister felt things… like guilt. Associated guilt. Even though she'd distanced herself from the girl she was, she still feel guilty by association.

"I missed you too," I said honestly.  Sincerely, I liked these girls.  But so much had happened last time I was here… it just wasn't a good idea getting into it.  I hated it, but it was the truth, as sad as it was… "Lay down on the table - I'll get you changed." It wasn't as nice a table as the one in the girl's room, but it would do.

Ister was wet, because of course she was, but the expression on her face this time was different from the calm serenity of her usual. She was speculative, she was thinking, assessing, wondering. "Have you ever had bad stuff happen to you, Loozy? Stuff you wish didn't happen, that you wanna forget and make go away but you can't…?"

"Of course," I said simply.  Sincerely, the way Nora spoke about this place, I suspected that was the exact situation of both Ister and Anni.  "Everyone does.  But I think you just need to listen to your Mommy, because she knows best, right?" Tragically, I didn't know her parenting style on handling these exact situations.  Confrontation.  Repression.  It was hard to know.  So I wouldn't influence it.

"Uhhuh… Mommy does know best…" Which was the perfect lead-in to… "I think Mommy thinks that something bad happened to Luzy, too… an' that Luzy jus' doesn't remember so good. Maybe… maybe… Mommy could be right? Because if you don't remember maybe you might not know… right?" Midway through, the Ister’s thumb went to her lips. Confrontational speech regressed her, thoughts regressed her, they were all safety mechanisms.

I hesitated, looking down at the girl's legs, and bit my lip.  I finished changing her out of her clothes and helped her off the table and into the tub. "I've talked to your Mommy about stuff like that," I said quietly. "I promise.  You have nothing to worry about…"

"Well… it's just… when I got here… I didn't want to remember either… an' Mommy tried to help, but… but I didn't wanna be helped, because I thought that I was okay… but I wasn't okay… I jus' thought that I was…" Ister ran her fingers over the skin of her thigh as she talked, not wanting to look up, having to focus to not trigger another regression trap.

"Shh.  I'm fine.  Please don't worry about me." I helped her into the tub and sat her down in the bubbles.  All in all, she did look so small in such a big bathtub.  Still, I couldn't shake the feeling…… "I… um… I'm going to get a glass of water.  Play nice, okay?"

"Uhhuh…" Ister settled back into the tub, into the bubbles, and bit her lip softly. It wasn't a mistake to push. She'd needed to be pushed, and she wished someone had pushed her a little more — it had taken so long for Mommy to get through to her. And she wasn't even as hurt as Luzy was… she was the one who'd even helped to hurt Luzy. The guilt was something that Mommy hadn't helped her with, because it hadn't come up. She slinked a little deeper into the bubbles. "I drew you a picture!" Anni ambushed Luzy in the hall, smiling brightly.

"That's a very pretty picture," I said with a smile.  My tone, though, was forced.  I was feeling a little light headed. "Would you like a juice box or something?" She was already following me to the kitchen anyhow.  No sense denying her some snacks, too.

"Uhhuh!" Anni pulled herself up onto one of the stools and looked at her picture, smiling cheerfully. "What was your other name, Loozy, 'cuz Mommy said that I used to have a different name and so did Izzy so that must mean you did, too, right?" It was an innocent enough question, just simple curiosity, but it seemed to leave the would-be baby-sitter rooted in place.

"Uh…" …different… name?  I shook my head, looking at my feet a second.  I finally pushed myself forward, shaking my head.  I felt dizzy… "Nope.  Luzy's my name.  Says so on my driver's license and everything.” Anni wasn't her real name?  And Izzy wasn't… I guess it made sense.  Confidentiality, maybe…

"I don't remember my other name, because Mommy said it would be bad if I did so I'm Anni and tha's a nice name for a princess, tha's what Mommy says. And Izzy is Izzy but I don't know if she remembers her old name but I do because Mommy used to say it before Izzy was all better but it's a secret." Anni put a finger to her lips to mark a secret and smiled, holding her other hand out expectantly. "Wan juice now."

Okay… so Anni was here first.  But Anni was younger?  It was hard to come up with logic for that one.  I sighed and smiled, grabbing the juice out of the fridge. "That's quite a weird system." The little girl nodded again.  After I had a glass of water, I was starting to feel better. "You go back to coloring, okay?  I have to finish Ister's bath.

"Uhhuh… remember not to tell Izzy cause it's a secret!" Anni slid down off the stool. She didn't know why her sister had asked for her to bring that up, but she was quite confident that she'd handled the task assigned to her properly. Sometimes Ister could be pretty hard to understand, but Anni did her best to be a good sister.

When I got back to the tub, Ister sat quietly.  She didn't say anything while I bathed, her, which was fine with me.  I wasn't in a talky mood anyway, it seemed.  I felt a little sick, but all in all, I needed to get over it.  I was stuck here for at least another six hours… then, when we were done, I helped her onto the table and fetched a diaper from the bedroom.

"Wan' paci." Izzy simply declared as Luzy left the bathroom to go and fetch a diaper for her to be changed into. Honestly, it would do well to replace her thumb, which she was sucking on avidly when she muffled out those words. She'd tripped up during the bath and she'd found herself unable to bring anything else up. It was stupid, too, careless — not that she was resentful at her traps at all, no no, they kept her safe. It was just… inconvenient at this single moment in time.

I changed the young girl, my charge, and dressed her in pajamas for bed.  She had her pacifier, which she sucked diligently, and I changed her sister into pajamas.  All in all, the night was running smoothly.  This wasn't really such a bad job, as long as I thought of the young girls as children, rather than what they were.
 

[Jayme]

Beautiful update... More questions about Luzy's past and potential pitfalls to be careful of.

[Sophie ♥]

6 hours ago, Jayme said:

Beautiful update... More questions about Luzy's past and potential pitfalls to be careful of.

Thank you for your continued comments!  They are inspiring amidst my constant walls of text. XD

[Sophie ♥]

36.)

"Did the girls give you any trouble?" It was, as promised, a little after two in the morning when Nora got home — Luzy was on the sofa, and Ister was fast asleep with her head in her lap. Anni, conversely, seemed to be in her room to sleep. On the table was the blue box, and the woman smiled, sitting at the adjacent arm-chair as Luzy slipped her phone away.

"They were fine." I'd been texting Koi every like 15 minutes.  That girl was getting so clingy! "Ister seems upset, I think… I don't know, she's just usually all about attention." I lifted her head and set it down slowly on a pillow, climbing up from the sofa to leave the room.  Talking around sleeping children is usually a bad idea.

"Yes, she has been quite fixated with the idea of seeing you again. I see she gave you the necklace?" Nora smiled, nodded at the unlikely Lego jewelry as she sat at the dining table and began to take boxes out of a plastic bag she'd had in her other hand — leftovers, it seemed like, from the conference dinner she'd been at. And a lot of them, to boot. "Sit, eat, enjoy."

"Sure.” I sat down at the kitchen table, looking through the doorway at the sleeping girl. "I'd forgot I was wearing it, really." I touched my neck, where the necklace was. "It's really nice of her.  I didn't want her to take that kind of shine to me, though…" Truth be told, I needed to avoid making this any worse…

"Oh, that's Ister — she's our mystery girl. To be honest, she usually avoids getting close to people on her own account; you should have seen how reluctant she was to let even Anni in. She's come from a bad place, and I suppose she did some bad things that she regrets, so she doesn't want to have the chance to repeat them. That she took a shine to you means that you're special." It was Indian food, it seemed, a half dozen dishes and large labs of naan bread, fragrant, aromatic and delicious.

The food was okay.  Honestly, I never liked take-out much.  Koi always ate my leftovers.  I played quietly with the edges of the tablecloth with my free hand, alternating stares between the sleeping girl and the food in front of me. "I suppose."

"I'm glad they weren't any trouble. Marta will be gone until tomorrow evening, so I know that your job is a little more involved at the moment, but they both seem to adore you so at least they're behaving." The woman gently wiped her fingers with a wet-towelette and sighed, leaning back into her chair. "You're looking troubled."

"I can't stay.” She waited for me to continue, and it took a long time.  I was waiting for her to say "you're going to" or something like that.  It didn't come.  I sighed. "Listen.  I like them.  But I'm not taking this job.  I don't want to.  And you tricking me into coming here with that stupid box is really rude.  And I'm not staying until tomorrow night."

"That box, curiously enough, is a case for one of the girl’s pacifiers." The faint blue outline was visible through the doorway, still, and the woman waited for any reaction, though there likely wouldn't be one. She waited all the same. "And I swear on both those girls lives that I did not put it in your bag. If it was taken from here, you must have taken it. Perhaps in your daze, you were tired, post-hypnosis attempt, if I recall. It's possible you were confused."

"Maybe one of the girls…" "Who were both asleep." Who, as she would point out if I tried to argue, would have probably tackle hugged me if they saw me… I bit my cheek and looked down at the little box on the table.  I didn't take it.  I know I didn't… but then again.  I had told Marta not to let me steal something.  I was worried I might…

"I'm more curious as to why it would be that which you chose to take. It certainly holds no real value, does it? One conclusion I came to was that you wanted a reason to return here. Which, I admit, is convenient for me. More likely than that, you're curious. And curiosity is not a bad thing. You're in a household where there are girls your biological age, conquering insurmountable hardship with the aide of things like that. It would be unnatural to not be a little curious."

"I'm not curious!" I said it a little too loud, and I heard stirring from the other room.  I turned my head, but Ister only rolled over onto her side.  She was still asleep, as far as I could tell.  My cheeks went pink and I looked away from Nora. "F-forget it.  I don't care if you put it in my bag or not… just… don't do it again…"

"Your resolve is slipping. You're considering the reality that you took it, and you don't remember. Your memory issues are quite pronounced, aren't they? Honestly, Luzy, a lack of curiosity would be more suspicious than a healthy sense of such. Like, do they just suck on a pacifier, and the guilt and worry all flows away? Or is there more than that? You must wonder, certainly enough to take one of the pacis from here."

"I. Do. Not." I was angry.  I was really angry.  But I couldn't yell because it would wake up the stupid girl on the stupid couch.  And I didn't know what else to do, or what else to say.  I just had to sit here and act like it wasn't bothering me.  But I was furious.  Unrealistically furious. "Just shut up.  Okay?"

"I would like to have another attempt at putting you under before you sleep tonight." It was like Luzy’s angry words went completely unnoticed, ignored like the plastic box of unrealistically spicy curry to the left of the table that even looked inhospitable, and that neither of them had touched.

"I'm not letting you do anything!" Ugh.  Voice.  Keep it down… "You're just messing with my head so I'll stay here.  I don't have memory problems.  This isn't my stupid pacifier.  And you're using this fake hypnotism crap to mess with me!  You act like it can do anything!"

The woman sighed and stood up, reaching across the table and grabbing Luzy’s chin, firmly. "You will drop that hauty tone, young lady, and you will not wake up your little sister asleep on the sofa." It was a marked change in attitude, but it wasn't the only one — little did Luzy know that she was about to pulled over an adult woman's lap and spanked. And Nora knew a thing or two about painful, humiliating spankings.

"Fuck th-" I moved to get up, and just as I did I felt myself trip, or rather, I felt myself fall.  I fell into the woman's lap, her hand against the small of my back, and my cheeks went crimson.  What the… and then it happened.  One hard smack to the seat of my jeans, louder than I was talking in the first place, and I kicked my feet. "Ow!"

"Quiet, or I'll quiet you myself." Two more smacks came down on the jeans, and though the denim provided some small modicum of protection from the worst brunt of physical pain, it did nothing to cushion the humiliation. "You have been a very, very naughty girl, and a poor influence on your sisters. It's long overdue that you learn a little lesson about you behavior."

"You are going- ow!" The hit came down hard, again, on my ass, and I winced against the smack.  It didn't hurt, not horribly, but fuck… if they woke up… "You're going to wake Ister, Jesus Christ…" Another spank, and I whimpered quietly.  Oh god…

"I only need to spank you until you learn your lesson, Luzy, and so if Ister wakes up and see's you being punished, you'll have nobody to blame but yourself." The woman held Luzy in place with one hand effortlessly, simply, and smacked her bottom three more times, each time waiting for her to calm down, to give her a chance to do the right thing.

"F-fine, fine, fine!  I've learned my lesson!  Okay?  Jeeze, just… stop…" I was facing away from the living room.  I'd have no idea if Ister woke up or not.  I felt my cheeks on fire, my whole body shaking nervously.  I just wanted to get off this woman's lap… I didn't even know what lesson I was supposed to be learning!

The woman sighed, tugged down the back of Luzy’s jeans, and the sharp crack of spanking on bare skin rang out through the room. Obviously, Luzy hadn't been trying hard enough. "It's very childish to be punished like this, poppet, very childish indeed. How must that make you feel? How must it make you feel to be so childish and juvenile? Well? Don't make me have to ask again."

"E-embarrassed…" Another hit on my bare ass.  This time, it hurt.  It really hurt.  I whimpered, wiggling in the woman's lap, trembling against her thighs.  There's no way Ister was still asleep… I felt tears in my eyes. "Please stop, please.. I'm sorry, please… please..."

There were footsteps. Small, sleepy, shuffling footsteps. But two more smacks followed before Luzy could look over her shoulder. In-fact, the first real awareness she would have that Ister was awake would be the sleepy girl pushing the pacifier from the box between her lips, much to the praising gaze of her Mommy. And yes, perhaps Luzy could spit it out, but there'd be consequences. "There's a good little girl, Luzy. Suck your pacifier like a sweet little muffin, be good for Mommy."

I was furious.  I was humiliated.  But like a light switch, the pacifier calmed me.  I felt myself slip, the aggression, the anger, all disappearing… and I sucked on the pacifier as little tears poured down my cheeks. "N-no more…"

"You're going to be a good girl, aren't you?" Her fingers ran across Luzy’s behind, but another spank didn't follow, not just yet. Ister tilted her head and rubbed her eyes, looking at her sitter with a smile. "Paci matches your necklace, Loozy… uhhuh." And it did, too, both in shades of blue, both soft and pretty and simple and belonging exactly where they both were.

I trembled on the woman's lap, looking away from Ister with red cheeks.  I couldn't handle this.  I didn't want her seeing me this way.  I was her babysitter!  But… I just wanted to get up… I wiggled uncomfortably and nodded my head, sucking harder on the pacifier. "I'm a good girl… I am..."

Ister knelt down in front of Luzy and played with the sides of her hair, smiling, taking her hands away just long enough at varying times to rub her sleepy eyes, and then finally cuddling the prostrate girl. "Good girl, Ister, see? Your sister doesn't mean to get in trouble, sometimes she just makes mistakes, that's all." "Uhhuh, mistakes. She's just been hurt, Mommy, and she's scared." "Just like you were, huh, sweetie?" "Nuhuh Mommy… much, much worse."

When the woman finally let me stand up, when I pulled my jeans back to my waist, I was furious.  I wanted to hit her.  I wanted to light this place on fire.  But I just sucked on the pacifier, trying not to fall apart crying.  I didn't understand.  I was their babysitter...
 

[Jayme]

Hmm, repressed memories from both girls could be a bad combination.

Perhaps Luzy will finally get a clue?.... Naa she's still convinced that denial is a river in Egypt.

[Sophie ♥]

37.)

"Momma likes that color, an' that one, too." It was late — the middle of the night — and though Ister was constantly rubbing her eyes, she was more than happy to oblige the directions given. Luzy had to draw a picture in crayon for Mommy, to show that she was sorry for being a brat, and Ister was instructed to take care of her. The woman, Nora, was in the kitchen, prepping bottles for the two of them in preparation to put them to sleep.

I didn't know what to do.  I was so humiliated, so angry, but… the pacifier was really helping.  I just couldn't get too worked up, for some reason.  Maybe it was a medical pacifier, like the other one.  Still. I needed to leave.  I told Koi I'd be home tonight.  I sighed, coloring as quickly as I could.  Honestly, I was no artist…

"This part should be pink." Ister was happy to instruct and direct her ersatz sister, and she made many such recommendations, which were followed by her pushing the right colored crayon between the girl’s fingers if she didn't comply in a timely fashion. A few minutes after that, Nora appeared in the doorway with the two bottles. "And how are my late-night princesses, hm?"

I needed to do something.  But in front of Ister… if I was smacked down again - figuratively or literally - I'd wind up in a worse situation than I was now. "I can put Ister to bed," I said behind the pacifier.  It was all I could offer.  If she said yes, it meant I could get my role as her babysitter back.  If she said no… I'd have to take more drastic measures…

"Nonsense, sweetpea, Momma will put you both to bed." Which actually was to entail them both being put down to sleep in Ister's crib, but there was no need to drop that bombshell just yet, especially not when the girl was about to get as volatile as she was going to. The trump card that Nora had, of course, was that she knew how extremely Luzy was going to react and she'd already made plans as to how to diffuse her.

I climbed up from my spot on the floor and stood up as tall as I could.  I took the pacifier out of my mouth - an ounce of hesitance I hoped no one had seen - and walked right up to the woman. "I'll be putting Ister to bed now," I said plainly. "And then I am leaving."

The woman smiled politely and nodded. No protest. No argument. And in the moment it took for Luzy to be put off by the ease of her victory, the woman pushed the bottle between her lips. So childish. And of course, her milk was familiar — not the formula being given to Ister to help her sleep. "Relax, Luzy. It's better to stay the night and be fresh for tomorrow."

I slapped the bottle out of the woman's hand, and it cascaded across the floor.  I looked up at her with ferocity, but then the sensations hit me.  The tingling on my lips.  The taste of ice cream.  Sugar.  I bit my lip and looked over at where the bottle hit the floor. "I'm… leaving…" I was leaving.  I was.  Right?

"Well now that doesn't sound right at all, does it? Ister, you don't think it does, do you?" The girl picked up the bottle and held it in her hands as she took her place back in front of Luzy. "Nuhuh, Momma. Luzy is just sweepy and a bit cranky 'cause she's up past her bedtime." "That sounds much more familiar, doesn't it? Luzy?" Ister held up the bottle for the girl to take, and smiled.

My fingers trembled at my sides.  I looked up at the woman, down at Ister, and then at my feet.  I shook my head once, trying to convince myself, and again, and again.  I felt so uncomfortable… "…j-just… I'm not…" I shuffled uncomfortably in the space between the two and the open room behind me.  I was just outside the door frame.  I felt itchy inside… "Just… please…"

"Come on, princess." Nora took Luzy by the hand, diminutively, and smiled at her. "You're just a little confused, because you're sleepy and it's so late. I'm going to get you tucked into bed, and you can cuddle all night with Ister, doesn't that sound like the right thing? It makes sense, doesn't it?" "You're a good cuddler, too, Loozy! Bestest cuddler ever."

"C-cut it out…" I pulled my hand away, but it felt weak.  It felt like I couldn't help but keep it in hers.  She handed me the bottle, and without thinking, I put it between my lips.  My eyes went a dull green and I half-closed them, sipping at the nipple.  It just tasted so lovely…

"Follow your sister, Luzy, be a good girl." Ister looked enviously at the bottle and took Luzy's hand in hers, tugging her down the hall toward the bedroom with the two cribs. And Luzy followed, sucking on the bottle. Honestly, even without the sweet milk, she probably would have followed anyway — the act of drinking from a baby bottle was very, very childish, and thus very calming to the girl.

I was brought by hand into the nursery.  The other girl was asleep in the other crib.  Ister's, however, was empty.  It was only a couple hours ago I'd put Anni down for bed.  Now I was in here again, sucking on a bottle.  I wanted to take it out, but it was just so… good...

Nora lowered the side of the crib and smiled invitingly; Ister crawled up into the crib first, and she tugged on Luzy’s hand, prompting her to follow. It was big enough for two to cuddle comfortably, too, though it was be quite intimate in terms of space. It was clear the intent, though, clear as could be, that Luzy would be sleeping in the crib tonight. And if it wasn't, well… "Hop up in the crib like a good little girl, Luzy. Be good for Mommy."

"But…" I spoke around the bottle, but ultimately, with the tug on my hand by Ister, I was dragged into the crib.  The bars went up, but I didn't really care.  I knew the girls could get out just fine, which meant I could, too.  I went to stand, but ultimately, when I tried, my legs gave out.  They weren't in the mood to work.  I looked at them with glossy eyes, then up at the woman. "Please…"

"Don't be a lil' piggy now, sweetums, you know you're only allowed one bottle at sleep time." Of course, the bottle was still two-thirds full. Ister laid down next to Luzy and helped her under the covers, and once she did, Nora double-tucked the sheets for comfort. Finally, she gave Ister her bottle, and kissed each of them on the forehead. "You're both such good little girls, you most definitely are. I'll see you both in the morning."

I'm an idiot.  I'm an idiot in a crib sucking a bottle without any apparent intent to stop!  I just kept drinking.  I wasn't even that tired!  But the bottle made things move slow.  It wasn't even that it did anything to my head - just that you drank it so slow the world seemed to slow down.  Ister said nothing.  I finally finished the bottle, content, and took it out of my mouth.  I went to sit up, but it took all my energy just to stay leaning against the bars.  There was no way I could stand…

"Cuddle wif me, Loozy." Luzy had her energy issues, which was more to say that she was completely in a state of calm relaxation, but Ister had no such limitation. "I miss cuddling wif' you, cuddling like we used to, an' I'm really happy that Momma let you lay with me tonight." The girls cheeks were flushed, which was unusual for Ister, because blushing usually meant shame or arousal, and as a child-incarnate, she had very little of either.

"She's psycho…" Ultimately, though, Ister pulled me back to the bedsheets and tucked me in all over again, curling up to my body.  I moved a hand to try and break out of this moment, but all in all, I just couldn't stomach the idea of burning so much energy.  So I laid there, letting her curl up against me.

"She's Mommy. You don't have to understand why she does what she does, just that she does it because she loves us very much." Despite the talking, Anni stayed fast asleep in her crib, and Ister cuddled up to Luzy's chest with a content smile, still idly sucking on her own bottle as she did. "I like it best when you're a little girl like we are, Loozy..."

I knew this would happen.  I knew that if I stayed here, I'd get sucked into some crazy shit like this… I knew it!  Why did they think I wanted to leave so badly?! "I'm not a little girl.  I'm twenty-one." Though the girl against me was twenty-four.  It didn't matter.  I wasn't like her.

"Nuhuh, Luzy is six. She likes toys and pretty dresses and dollies and playing dress up princesses, and not having to worry about anything in the big icky world…" It was the first time that Ister had so openly spoken in a way that made known her awareness of the fact that she wasn't actually a child. "It's very good to be a little sometimes because it means that you're safe…"

"I AM NOt lit…tle…" Ugh.  Okay.  Yelling was out of the question.  You'd think I'd remember this from the last time, when I'd burned myself out… when Marta had given me the same milk… "Just shut up, alright?  You don't know anything." I'd never talk to a real kid like that.  But then again, I wasn't babysitting anymore, was I?  And she was hitting a nerve…

"I know lots about you, Loozy.. lots and lots… more than Mommy does…" The yelling had made the girl meek, but she didn't pull away from cuddling, she didn't get upset. She just spoke, cute and innocent, sweet and soft, the way that Ister often was. "But you don't remember, Loozy… I wish you did 'cause then if you did then you could properly forget… and you could get better."

"You're crazy too." I managed to shrug the girl off, using what little energy I had in me, and Ister threw me right back to the bed, exactly where I'd been.  This time, though, she hovered over me.  My chest ached, looking up at her.  Even my fingertips wouldn't move.  I didn't know how to talk…

"Don't. Call me. Crazy." Ister positioned herself atop the girl, gently straddling her, the crinkling plastic of her diaper audible as she shuffled, and the softness of it touched Luzy's thigh as Ister's nightie rode up a little bit. "Papa called me crazy… Papa threw me away… when he found you. You think that you don't remember, Loozy, but you do…"

"…s-stop it…" She sat against my skin, contact with the plastic of her diaper.  I looked up at her in a bit of a panic, not because I had any idea what she was going on about but because I had never seen her this way.  Why was she here?  Had she killed someone?  Had she hurt someone?  Was this her redemption? "G-get off me…!" I tried to yell, but it came out as a whisper.  My arms still wouldn't move.

"You remember… Loozy… you remember. It's just blurry… but it'll be less blurry if you trust me." It wasn't something that Ister understood, what she was doing, just that it was important. How important she didn't yet understand, but important nonetheless. "You're a little girl, Loozy. A little girl who wears diapers, and sucks on pacis, and drinks from bottles… you're a little girl. A happy little girl, uhhuh…"

"You really are crazy!" Again, my words came out twenty decibels too low.  I couldn't get any volume.  I was wide awake, but my body felt like it was asleep.  I reached up to push Ister, but my muscles refused. All it did was put my hand on her shoulder.

Ister pushed her bottom, the plastic of the diaper soft and noisy, hard against Luzy’s leg just as she began to pee; the rushing warmth filling the garment, palpable to the would-be-sitter, hoping it would trigger something. Some distant thought, or feeling, or memory. Just. Something. "Loozy is a little girl. Being little makes you happy."

My cheeks turned rosy at the realization.  She was peeing on me!  It felt like it, too, even with the diaper between us.  She was sitting on my leg, and peeing, and… and it was so gross… but fuck did it shut me up.  I couldn't speak.  I couldn't even think.  Only about what just happened, and that wasn't something I wanted to feel or think about…

"Momma is going to help you, Loozy… help you be little. And you'll stay here, and wear pretty clothes, and learn to use diapers again…" She may well have come across unfocused, or distracted, or otherwise compromised — but her hand was in a mission. Her hand touched the girls cheek, pushed past, brushed her hair, and then came back, sliding fingertips along the skin as she pushed her thumb between Luzy's lips.

My chest hurt.  I shook my head, as meekly as I could, and felt my lips automatically suck Ister’s thumb.  I wiggled uncomfortably under her, but all in all, with everything that had happened, I didn't feel capable of taking care of myself.  I felt like I was slipping… like I was falling.  I whimpered through her thumb, hoping Nora would come in and put a stop to this.  But no one opened the door.

"You can be a growned up again, but not now… it's too much work, it's too much unhappiness. Being a lil' girl makes you happy, you jus' dun' remember is all!" Luzy was sucking on Ister's thumb, happily, obediently, and Ister kept her pinned down without issue. "It makes you relaxed to be a child, uhhuh… you can't even deny it anymore…" Interestingly, the girls vocab seemed to be quite expanded at the moment.

I shook my head, shaking a little bit.  She was wrong.  I was over this.  It was only this stupid place that ever made me feel this way again.  It was only while I was here that I felt like I needed it.  When I got home, though, I never needed it!  I didn't!  And now… here… I just… I couldn't do it… "L-leave me alone…"

"Admit it, don't be scared… don't be scared. Mommy an' Izzy an' Anni will keep you safe, you jus' gotta admit it, uhhuh… you need it. You're jealous of our pretty clothes, and you'd rather be over here playing wif toys and drawin' than going to school. Admit it." The hand not currently pushing a thumb between the gils lips began to run down her body — it had a more important, more… bladder-related job in mind.

"I'm… I'm not… y-you're ins-" Her fingers pushed against my stomach and I squealed.  It shouldn't have worked as well as it did, but my muscles were weak.  I couldn't help myself.  I felt my jeans start to soak through, as I wet the crib.  My whole body shook as I helplessly tried to stop, but it wasn't until my bladder was empty and there were tears in my eyes that I could manage.  When I looked up to find Ister, she was nowhere to be found.  And worse, the door was open.  I shook my head, trying to pull myself up, but I could barely lift my arms.  I had to get out of this crazy place…
 

[Sophie ♥]

38.)

"Oh sweetpea." Nora wasn't disappointed, it wasn't that kind of tone. No, her tone was more like one of expectation, like she knew this was only an inevitability. Ister was behind her, standing in the doorway and watching as the would-be-Mom approached the crib and leaned down to pluck the soaked girl out of the wet sheets. "I suppose I should have expected this, a girl your age and all. Not to worry."

"I'm… I'm twenty… one…” Fuck was I exhausted.  What little energy Id managed to hide away from myself was used up in trying not to piss my pants.  Involuntary reactions, and all.  And here I was, unable to move, soaked through.  I hated myself for this… "Please…" I couldn't even keep my head upright anymore.  I put my cheek on the woman's shoulder.

"Age is just a number, sweetpea, and any number can change to another, sometimes without you even realizing." The woman was not large, but she was strong enough to carry the wet girl over to the changing table and to lay her on her back, the wetness pushing against her skin and reminding her of what she'd done. "Accidents happen, my little princess." Her hand took Luzy's wrist and pushed the girl’s thumb between her lips. "Especially to little girls."

I sucked on my thumb and wiggled uncomfortably on the table.  I craned my neck to see Ister, a smile on her face, and I felt my cheeks go red.  This wasn't fair.  This wasn't right!  I didn't… she did it… she… "P-please… I… d-didn't do anything…" How could I get Ister in trouble…?  Oh! "H-her diaper leaked… on me… ch-check.  She's wet...!"

Perhaps Luzy didn't realize how much a child her bickering made her sound. It made Nora smile, though, and she looked at her other faux-daughter and then back at Luzy. "Oh sweetpea, Momma would never put you girls in sub-par diapers that might leak. It's okay now, it's only a natural response your body is having to you becoming a child again. It's surrendering control. This can happen to girls in your situation."

"I don't have a situation!!" The yelling brought stars to my eyes and I had to close them to keep calm.  I sucked on my thumb as the woman tugged down my jeans.  I wiggled, trying to get off the table, but I could still barely move.  It wasn't fair… it wasn't…

"You're simply adapting to being a child, Luzy sweetie. It's quite alright, we'll get you properly cleaned up and dressed and you'll be able to be confident in no more leaky messes on the bed." Ister stood next to Luzy now, stroking her cheek gently and speaking in a soft, singsong voice. "Pretty baby Luzy, wet wet wet, she's gonna be our sister, yes yes yes..."

"I'm not…” I couldn't even do this.  I couldn't think clearly.  I couldn't move at all.  And everything they kept saying kept pushing me.  It made me think "maybe I do" or "would it be so bad?" But I was over it!  I moved past it… I did…

Wet wipes ran across Luzy’s skin, dutifully wiping away the pee from her legs, from between her legs, Nora was so fastidious in her task, and Ister continued to sing, changing the words each time, drilling potential into Luzy’s mind by way of her ears. Luzy was on a changing table, being sung to, having just wet herself, and now she was going to be put in a diaper. And she knew it, too, or at least part of her knew.

"Please, Nora… please stop… y-you can't… d-… do… this…." I had to plan sentences better.  I had a limited amount of oxygen.  But I had even less thinking power.  She had lifted my legs like a child, decorated my bottom in powder, and pulled the diaper up between my legs.  It might have meant more if it was the first time it had happened in this house, but I didn't hate it any less.

The diaper was taped into place, the woman rubbed between it, and smiled — she had a crib to change, and she knew Luzy wouldn't be getting up and going anywhere. Unfortunately, when she turned around, when she left the room to dispose of the sheets, Ister ran her fingertips up the girl’s thigh. And then, she pressed against the diaper, gleefully, giggling. "You're so much better this way, Loozy…”

I trembled against her touch, looking up into Ister’s eyes with cheeks like tomatoes.  She didn't care.  She just smiled down at me, playing with the plastic between my legs.  I shuddered, twitching, turning, trying to get out of her reach.  She held me down with her other hand, though. "C-cut it out…"

"Shushes… suck your thumb, pretty baby, best baby, little baby Loozy, uhhuh… wet little baby, pretty little baby…"  It might have seemed unreal, surreal, just how much power the girl seemed to have over Luzy, but then again Luzy did barely know her — conversely, Ister knew Luzy about as well as any human being could conceivably know another person. And maybe that wasn't fair, but it was certainly useful. "Dun' fight…"

I trembled, shaking in her arms, wiggling against the table.  Her fingers played with the diaper in a way no one should know how to do.  Something that padded isn't something that could ever be sexual.  But still, somehow… I let out a hard breath, wincing in embarrassment, as the first moan escaped my mouth.  My cheeks lit up. "P-please…" I kept sucking my thumb. "N-no more..."

"You do wan' more though, Loozy…" Ister hadn't done anything vaguely even a little sexual, not since she left that place, not since coming here. But this felt different, this felt like it was okay. It was helpful. And in the end, Ister wanted so deeply to be helpful. "It feels nice to be a baby… it feels true and right… admit it…" And oh did Ister have ways of making sure Luzy did admit it, ways she would now hesitate to employ if need-be.

"Y-you're c-" Another yelp, another moan, and I shook my head, over and over.  Then, suddenly, it all stopped.  When I opened my eyes to find out why, Nora was back.  She was putting new sheets on the bed.  I trembled on the table, scanning the room for Ister… "N-Nora, Ister is… is…" What?  Pleasuring me?  Fuck… I couldn't help but blush.

"Momma," Ister pre-empted, the moment that Luzy realized how little she could do, "Loozy was playing wif' the tapes on her deedee, so I think she should wear mittens jus' so she doesn't fidget tonight." Nora looked over, thoughtfully, and then returned to tucking in the new sheets. "I think that's a very good idea, Ister. Very good thinking, you make Mommy so proud."

"N-no, she…!  I didn't!!  She did!" She came over to the table and looked at the diaper, a little look on her face.  She turned to Ister, then to me. "You shouldn't tamper with these," she said, and fetched some mittens out of the cabinet.  I shook my head, tears in my eyes, as she pulled my hands into each one. "I DIDN'T!" But the yelling just brought more stars to me.  I wanted to tell her it was Ister, but I needed a minute to breathe again.

"Here, Momma." Ister offered, helpfully, pushing a pacifier between Luzy’s lips with a look of hopeful approval directed at Nora. The older woman smiled and nodded her head. "You're so thoughtful, Ister, even though your sister is having some troubles. You must care about her very very much." "Jus' wan' Baby Loozy to be happy, Mommy, that's all."

I kicked my foot, the first thing I'd really been able to do since I'd been put on this table, but it didn't matter.  The mittens were locked in place and the pacifier started to calm me.  I kicked once more, but then settled into the table.  My eyes glossed over and I closed them, trying to concentrate.  I couldn't let this happen...

With the diaper in place, and the mittens secured, and the pacifier being sucked on, Nora picked Luzy up and whispered into her ear as she held her. "You're just a pretty little baby, a six year old girl named Luzy. You can feel it, in your tummy, feel that the diaper makes it true, your paci makes it true. You're not angry, you're just confused, confused how right this feels to you." Gently, she laid the girl down in the crib.

Ister climbed in next to me, the little bars being pulled up.  The sheets were dry now.  I wasn't sure how that had happened.  Maybe there was a protective cover on the bed.  It would make sense.  But all in all, Nora's words still rung in my ear.  I was just confused.  I hated how right she was…

"We're the same, Loozy." Those were all Ister said as she cuddling down into the covers, and her cheeks felt warm at the goodnight kiss from Nora. Luzy had received the same treatment, and even after Nora left, the girl made soft little noises behind her paci as she'd wriggle, squeeze the mass of diaper she was taped into with her legs, and then shiver a little.
 

[Sophie ♥]

39.)

I slept very poorly.  Ister made sure of it.  Any time I came close to sleeping, she'd run her finger up my thigh.  She'd put her hand against the front of my diaper.  When the sun started to come up - only barely awake in the dark room - I could move again just fine.  But my hands made actually doing something impossible.  Finally, when I thought Ister fell asleep, I stood up and tried to figure out how to get out of the crib.

"You gotta pull on the thingy." That came from across the room, a cute whisper that belonged to Anni. "But sometime is locked… and we're not a'posed to open it anyways." She was sitting with her legs crossed, her diaper faintly yellowed in the early morning light, and she kept rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand, the way that Ister had last night.

"Thingy…?" "That one there." I ushered over to the little latch, tugging on it.  All in all, I had on idea what I was doing.  And with the mittens still tied over my hands, I couldn't get a grip on it.  I bit down on the edges of the mittens, pulling at the strings with my teeth until I could take one of the mittens off completely.  The next one was a piece of cake.  Now for that latch... "Nuh uh.  Out, then up." "…out then…" The little lever clicked and the gate came down.  I quickly climbed out of the crib and pulled the gate back up again. "Why you in a diaper?  You get in trouble again?" I quickly pulled down my shirt. "It doesn't matter.  Lay back down."

"But I'm not tiiiiiireeeed." The girl whined, and then leaned up and opened her crib, too, figuring that if her sitter were allowed out, then she was allowed to get up as well. "Babysitters aren't sposed to wear diapers, only baby sisters." She lowered herself to the floor and smiled cutely, her nightie pulled up still and flashing her obviously wet diaper much to her complete obliviousness.

"Yeah, well, this is an exception.  Stay put - your Mommy will be in in a second." Honestly, I would do my best to not find Nora.  I was getting the hell out of here before anything else fucked up my life. "Just stay here." And with that, I left Anni alone in the room.

Luzy made it down the hall, into the living room, and into the next hall, almost to the stairs — in-fact, the door was right there. Close, but not close enough. Something hard pressed into her back, pushing her to the wall and staying out of sight. That something knew where it pushed, though, it knew what would happen when it pushed right there, and that something would be the opening of the floodgates, quickly and unexpectedly.

I trembled, my body hitting the wall, and then I fell to my knees.  I leaned against the wall, both my palms on the paint, and gasping for air as I felt the my body give up on holding in the milk I'd had the night before.  Slowly, but surely, I was filling the diaper with pee.  Again, it would have been worse if it hadn't happened before… "F-fuck…"

"Excuse me? Was that a curse word?" Nora was in the stairwell — for every intent, it seemed as though she had just come downstairs after hearing the commotion. Of course, she had been the one to give the push, and she'd slipped around the stumbling girl. "I've got no choice but to wash your mouth out."

"Y-you're a psychopath…" Just a couple days ago I was curling up in this woman's arms asking for help.  I came to her when I needed someone.  And now she was treating me like this?!  I should have known better.  She'd done this before.  Never quite like this, but it wasn't too different. "If I don't go home, Koi is going to come looking for me!"

The woman sighed and smiled, putting her hand on Luzy’s cheek, seemingly immune to the contempt. And to be fair, the contempt had a hard time keeping alight once the hand was in place. "You want to come have some breakfast with me? It's a lovely morning. Don't worry, we don't have to keep playing if you prefer not to. It's always up to you, sweetpea." Maybe it was the hand, but the words seemed to just… stun the poor girl.

"…I… I'm not playing!  I was never playing!" She thought I wanted this?!  My cheeks went crimson.  She looked down at me with a bit of curiosity, like I was losing my mind or something… "You weren't?" I couldn't even form words…. "WHY.  WHY WOULD YOU.  UGH!"

"Well, you've had this air of envy about you, usually when you see the girls. It was Anni who brought it up at first, actually. So I pushed the envelope a little, to see what you were hoping for. You allowed the milk last time, and this time, the spanking and the pacifier. I naturally inferred that this was therapeutic for you, and you were just having trouble asking me directly. I apologize if that's not what you were looking for." It was both surprising and terrifying just how genuine the woman was able to make herself sound.

"Y-you…!  N-no!  You pulled me over your lap!" "Right." "I SAID STOP!" "But you sounded like Anni when she says it.  I thought you'd act like, I don't know, an adult or something." My cheeks were pink.  I looked down at my feet, stumbling a little bit as I leaned back against the wall.  I was wet.  I knew I was wet.  She did, too. "I… that's just… y-you're stupid…!" Had I acted like a child?  Had I acted like I wanted it?  Of course not!  Fuck no.  But… last time… and the pacifier… and… I did feel better…. I mean, it made me feel nice… so maybe I…

"You have a very high-pressure life, balancing work and school — you barely even have time for friends. It's natural for a girl in your situation to seek some reprieve every now and then, and acting childish is a perfectly valid way to blow off some steam. It relaxes you, doesn't it? Makes it seem like there's nothing wrong with the world." Honestly, the way she was protesting and fuming was very childish, too, and Nora could point that out still if she needed to.

"I don't LIKE this stuff anymore!!  Why can't anybody just let it go!!" I was screaming now, really screaming.  I was screaming the way I had screamed the last time Marta had me in a wet diaper, the last time no one was listening and I needed to get my point across. "Anymore?" I froze.  My heart stopped.  I looked up at the woman, recollection in my eyes.  What did I say?  Did I say anymore?  No.  Yes?  Fuck.  No… no, I didn't… right?

The word anymore was effectively verbal check-mate, and the woman did her best to not smile. Finally, though, Luzy was beginning to admit it. "Come with me. No argument. No fussing. Just follow me, do you understand?" With the girl so flabbergasted, it wasn't the hardest thing in the world to exert will over her, to bend her actions to Nora's desire. They were going into the walled-off garden that was the outside yard at the top of a different set of stairs.

"Where are we going?" "You'll see." "Seriously." She didn't say anything else though, even as we climbed the stairs.  I looked nervously around at the walls, then down at my outfit.  Just my shirt and a diaper.  I needed to change.  I needed my pants back!  We weren't going outside, right?  But sure enough, when we got to the top of the stairs, there was a small foyer that led out to a large garden.  The woman went out first, but I stopped at the last step. "No."

"The walls are twelve feet tall, and solid brickwork. As no buildings are allowed to be over a single story in this neighborhood, we're as private here as we can get." And it did seem that way, too: the playspace, the sandbox, the flowers and the covered over swimming pool, all were enclosed, along with generous amounts of crisp, green grass, inside the large walls. "Come." The woman sat on a swing-chair and motioned for Luzy to sit next to her.

I poked my head outside the door, looking around nervously.  Sure enough, no buildings in sight.  Only trees over the walls.  Someone could climb a tree though, right?  And what about airplanes?  Or satellites…? "…I don't want to come out there…" "Would you rather talk about what you said downstairs?" Anymore.  How stupid can I be?  I sighed and walked out onto the patio, sitting on the swing beside the woman.  It was covered, safe from satellites and planes.  I played with my fingers in my lap, trying to cover the diaper best I could.

"It's more common than you probably realize — logically, the reason you think it's something only you could be into, and therefore think negatively, is that everybody who finds solace and happiness in being little thinks the same way." The woman watched Luzy as she struggled to keep her diaper covered, and thoughtfully, she smiled.  "You probably carried quite a lot of shame for a lot of your life, didn't you?"

"I thought you said we didn't have to talk about this." "I don't remember saying that." I sighed, looking away from the woman and out at the garden.  It really was pretty.  And it had a swing set and stuff… "I…" Jeeze.  I had to do this.  I had to just spill this information, get it over with, so I could explain. "I had a time - it was like years ago - but I had a time where I… wanted to…" I'd never had to explain this to anyone before… "Um… like… not be a kid.  Just act like one sometimes.  I had like, a sippy cup at home.  And one dress.  It's complicated.  Anyway.  I got better.  I stopped thinking about it.  Now it's gone.  I like it gone."

"You say I got better as though it's an inherently bad thing. Let me ask you, Luzy… does it hurt anybody? Does it hurt you? There are many shades of morals in the world, but the simplest common denominator is to ask those questions. I think there is more to this than you're telling me — I think somebody discovered what you felt had to be kept secret. Your friend, perhaps, the one in the corset?" Obviously. Luzy had even said so, but she'd said so when she was borderline trancing, so she wouldn't remember.

I looked up at the woman, then back at my hands, a blush on my cheeks.  Jesus.  How the hell did she know shit like that…? "Koi walked in on me once, when I was dressed up.  I was drinking a sippy cup, wearing that dress, and watching Dora on TV.  She just apologized for not knocking and left." It sounded worse than it was. "We didn't talk about it.  We just kept on being us.  And it didn't change anything, not at all.  So no, nothing bad happened."

"She sounds like a very good friend — understanding, accepting. You should certainly hold onto that one." Nora smiled and brushed her hair back behind her ear, turning slightly to look down at Luzy. "You found something that makes you happy. Genuinely happy. Whatever would possess you to want to get rid of it? It's not like an addiction, it's not harmful. By definition, it's very much the embodiment of innocent joy. Tell me about you being 'cured'."

"I never liked it," I said flatly, looking up at the woman with a little bit of contempt for even suggesting it.  “I did it.  But I didn't like it.  I hated that I did it.  I hated that I wanted to do it.  I wasn't happy.  It made me miserable." Again, I looked away form her, at my hands.  The diaper was wet under my butt.  It was so uncomfortable… "Anyway, it just went away one day… so it doesn't matter now anyway.  I'm glad it's gone."

"You'll be honest with me, I'm sure." She could hypnotize Luzy, ensure honesty, ensure she couldn't lie to Nora at all. But this was a better way to handle things, giving her the chance. "Does the pacifier calm you? Make you feel at ease, peaceful? Or even little things, like being led around by the hand?"

I bit my cheek, looking down at my fingers.  They did.  I mean, I knew they did.  I hadn't noticed until yesterday, but I couldn't help myself.  The pacifier brought peace with it, even when I was upset over being upset!  Even when I was upset over using the pacifier!  I just… couldn't put that in words… "I guess… but it's not the same.  It's not like it was last time."

"Well, it's not unusual for feeling to evolve over time. A friend evolving feelings into romance for someone they know, for example." Not that she insinuated that. "Your feelings before felt one way, but suppressing them for as long as you have, it's not unexpected that they'll have evolved some."

"I didn't suppress anything," I said quietly, a little agitation in my voice. "I'm over it.  I'm over it, and it's gone, and I'm happy it's gone.  So can you just stop trying to make this into something it's not?  I don't like this stuff.  I'm not like those other girls.  And that's it.  Okay?" She didn't say anything for a while, and I took a breath to calm down. "You see why I can't work here.  It messes with my head…"

"All it took when you were here to incite those feelings again, was seeing a pacifier. Someone holding your hand. Your hair being played with. These aren't feelings that will go away, Luzy. They're not something you can get over. Your mind is wired one particular way, and for you, this is a coping method. When you indulge and allow it, you get to choose when and how to feel. But when you deny it… your desires come out whether you want them to or not. What about when you finish your degree? Getting envious every time you bottle-feed a child you take care of… it'll be exhausting, won't it?"

"Fuck you…" I got up from the swing and stormed back into the entry hall, walking my way back down the stairs.  How dare she.  How dare she insinuate she knows anything about this?!  She told me once she's here helping people.  Not playing Mom.  These girls don't know how I feel about it.  Or how I felt even.  And neither does she!  

"You shouldn't go." Ister was sitting on the stairs at the bottom of the stairwell, the one that lead up to the office, and the exit. She was crying. Or, she'd been crying; her eyes were pink and there were streaks from tears down her cheeks. It was enough to make even the very determined and militant girl stop in her tracks, because who could walk past a sobbing child.

I couldn't find pants.  I didn't know where the hell my jeans or underwear were, but I wasn't in the mood to ask.  I had found a pair of jeans far too big for me in Nora's room.  Still, I wore them all the same, holding them up as I walked.  It took me a while to find my phone and keys - on the kitchen counter should have been my first place to look, really - but I was ready to go, for the most part.  Only one thing standing between me and freedom. "I'm sorry, Ister.  You wouldn't understand."

"I heard you talking to Momma." Which made more sense than anybody thought, because Marta wasn't here so the only adults were together upstairs, of course one of the girls was going to come looking. "You think that I don't get you but I do get you, I do, I do and if you go then you'll never come back and I want you to come back because I wanna make sure that you're happy because you deserve to be…"

I kissed Ister on the forehead, playing with her hair. "Sometimes you just can't be around the things you've worked so hard to escape, sweetie…" That brought a flash of recollection to her face, something that let me know she understood.  I patted her hair and smiled. "Be good for your Momma, now." And with that, I walked past her and went right up the stairs.
 

[ABAlex]

Cute story, but how do you do the rotating colors? Is that all manual or is there a function for it?

[Sophie ♥]

20 hours ago, ABAlex said:

Cute story, but how do you do the rotating colors? Is that all manual or is there a function for it?

I do it manually, which is absolutely awful! XD

I edit the colors in Textedit or a word processor, then I copy-paste it to Google Docs.  Then I use an extension called BBCode Export for Google Docs that lets me copy the text in BBCode.  Then I paste the code into DD and DD formats it accordingly.

Honestly, it's a huge pain in the ass.  But we find that it's the easiest way for people to read our stories without getting wrapped up in "who is talking".

Thanks for reading, btw.

~Sophie

[Jayme]

Its scary how sometimes pain has to resurface for true and complete healing to start.

Luzy has a while to travel to see how far down the rabbit hole she needs to go to start healing. I'm positive Nora has her best interests in heart.

[ABAlex]

7 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

I do it manually, which is absolutely awful! XD

I edit the colors in Textedit or a word processor, then I copy-paste it to Google Docs.  Then I use an extension called BBCode Export for Google Docs that lets me copy the text in BBCode.  Then I paste the code into DD and DD formats it accordingly.

Honestly, it's a huge pain in the ass.  But we find that it's the easiest way for people to read our stories without getting wrapped up in "who is talking".

Thanks for reading, btw.

~Sophie

Ahh ok. Well it looks good

And no problem! THanks for sharing!

[Sophie ♥]

PART 3: Kriss Arc

40.)

"…you did it again." What it was couldn't have any level of ambiguity — Koi was talking about the fact that Luzy had gone all night without contacting her, and was supposed to come home, and didn't. That Koi knew where she was helped, but it was still a broken promise, and Koi was pouty.

"Bitch took my phone…" So she wasn't a bitch.  But I wouldn't ever see Nora again.  I'd deleted her contact from my phone.  I erased her address from my mind.  I was done with it.  I was done with her.  I was done with her children.  I was unhappy about it, but in reality, I needed it.  I knew I needed it.  I should never have gone back.  I'd double checked my purse.  No stupid pacifier.  I'd double checked my car.  Nothing to return.  This was it.  It was the end of it. "I'm sorry."

"Uhhuh." Koi wasn't being catty, she was just being who she was, and who she was right now was kind of upset and hurt and worried. "I thought you were only going over there to drop something off. I made plans for us — there're leftovers in the fridge, though, if you want. I don't know if they'll be as good today, though," Sushi. Koi never made sushi for anybody but herself, because she didn't like to fit into the stereotype, and so often had Luzy begged for her to make her some, after having tried it one day.

"I know… I know!  It's… it's a long stupid story, and I don't wanna talk about it, but I promise, I'm done.  I'm not going back.  I promise, Koi…" She was upset.  Ugh, I hated making her upset.  She was a very resilient girl, but it wasn't always possible to be resilient, especially not after everything I'd put her through… "I don't work tonight?  Or tomorrow?  We can do whatever you want!  Promise!"

"Maybe." Maybe was Koi's very polite I'm not sure I'm in the mood response, in times like these. "Did you get to see the girls? I bet they missed you. Anni and Izzy, right? I think it's good that you saw them again." Clearly, she was trying to move the topic of the deception along, and trying to be her usual happy-go-lucky self, even though the cracks were abundantly clear and obvious. At least she was making an effort.

“Yeah… they were…" I sighed, looking down at my friend.  I took a seat on the chair across from the couch and turned to the TV.  Was she really at my house all night? "Wanna watch some TV?" The best thing I could do is normalize this.  Pretend everything was fine.  It's always how she got over things.

"Okay." It would have been easier to be mad, which was to say it would be much harder to actually be mad because Koi was acutely aware that her friend had a crush on her. But no, this wasn't mad, it was hurt, and hurt worked at its own schedule of coming and going away. She forced a smile, and Luzy turned on the television, before she started doing the thing she always did when she hurt someone, where she talked a lot.

"I didn't know this was still on TV.  I remember when I was like eight I watched this show, and it was kind of cool, but then I saw it again when I was like, twelve, and I don't know.  No magic, ya know.  I guess that's the thing about growing up.  You lose some of the magic." I was just rambling.  I didn't know Koi was actually listening. "Anyway, I think I'm gonna buy dinner.  I mean pizza is lame so I'm gonna like actually go out and get it.  I was thinking Chinese?  But if you want something I'm totes up for anything.  I just think you deserve something good after I was a butt, you know?  I don't know.  Anyway, I'm not hungry yet.  I'm just thinking out loud."

"Chinese sounds okay." Koi was drifting in and out of the dialog, though mostly she only offered smiles and small nods of her head, the most basic way of showing she was listening. So maybe the acceptance of food was a surprise. "We could go the buffet on Third and Pine. I wouldn't mind that." Honestly, Koi could have said they were going anywhere and Luzy would have agreed right now.

"Yeah!  That sounds great.  I haven't been there in like a year, you know?  I mean, it was somewhere I liked to eat as a Freshman.  I don't know.  Actually, you were there.  Like you'd come eat with me sometimes, so you totally know what I'm saying.  But I don't really go there anymore.  Maybe you just get tired of places?  But I'm not tired now, I totally-" "Shh." Oh.  The show was back on. "Sorry."

"I want you to wear a corset. Out for dinner." It was something that Luzy had steadfastly refused every time the offer came up in the past, and Koi only even suggested it out because she figured she might still have enough Guilt Credits in the tank that she'd say yes. Plus, if she did have a crush on Koi, a willingness to wear corsets was a pretty good start when it came to the idea of wooing her.

“You tie them too tight…" An excuse. "I'll tie it looser on you.  Loosy Loozy." "…well, yours wont fit me." "I have some that will." Great… “Yeah, alright, sure…" Which meant we'd have to go all the way out to Koi's before we could go to dinner.  Ugh.  I'd never worn a corset, but I wasn't excited by the idea… they looked painful.

"…breath out more." It had taken twenty minutes to get to Koi's from that agreement time, and another twenty of Koi coaching Luzy as she worked down row-by-row of the corset laces. Obviously, she wasn't expecting to get too-tight of a corset lacing on a first-timer, but she still had standards. "More! Come on, I can't even start lacing you if you don't take this seriously."

"I can't even breathe…" "Hush." She wound one of the laces up behind my back, tying tight, and I whimpered.  She tugged at each of the strings again and again, closing in on my chest over and over, and over and over.  It was a whole hour by the time she was content, and I was getting sleepy from the exhaustive work. "Can we go now?” My voice was shallow.  I literally couldn't breathe…

"You gotta breathe up here, shallow breaths. You get used to it." Koi was giddy as she tapped just above the girl’s breasts to show her where to breathe from — obviously, breathing from the bottom diaphragm wasn't really an option anymore. "You get plenty enough air, as long as you don't try to run anywhere." The Asian girl looked so pleased with herself, though she was… distracted. Her head ran with possibility. Dressing Luzy up in a corset, with something childish, like a pacifier? The juxtaposing alone would be wonderful...

"I hate you sometimes," I muttered.  I needed to stop pissing Koi off so I wouldn't be stuck in this situation again… "Can we please go eat now…?” "Sure." Koi would be driving my car.  No way in hell I was getting on the back of her scooter like this.  And I wasn't sure I could even move my arms…

"You look hot, Luzy." En route to the car, Koi stopped her best friend in front of the mirror and stood next to her for the examination. "I would do all sorts of things to you if I didn't know you and saw you in a bar or something, you have no idea." And admittedly, the corset did give her some bangin' curves. Of course the idea of them going to a buffet would be interesting, because first-timers could never eat when in a freshly-laced number.

"Thanks, I guess…" I got into the passenger seat of the car, whimpering.  I could barely breathe.  I curled up against the seat and kept my breathing shallow.  What the hell did she do to herself?  This was masochistic!  Maybe she was into pain or something…

"…yeah, that's a side-effect. Some girls wear them to lose weight, even, because they make it hard to eat lots." This conversation had started off the back of Luzy complaining after trying to eat her first plate of food. "That's why I wear them." She laughed. "Well, not really — I just didn't want to have the figure of a six year old. Anyway, just pace yourself."

"I am going to be sick…" "You won't be sick." I'd eaten exactly one serving of chicken.  Not even a serving.  And I had three times that on my plate!  I just wanted to eat something else.  But I thought I'd throw up… "I need to use the bathroom…" "Yeah, you'll have fun with that one, too.  Gotta pee a lot.” "Great..."

"I once had to wear a Depends for finals one year because I knew I couldn't wait that long between bathroom breaks. It was an interesting aesthetic, diaper and corset." She laughed, bright as she could, which with only a third of her lungs worth of air at any one kind, was often muted and short. "You go pee, I'm going to get something from their noodle bar, hurry up now."

Diaper and corset.  Truth be told, before last weekend, I'd never worn an adult diaper.  It was interesting knowing Koi had.  I guess it wasn't really that big a deal if you thought about it… I shrugged, getting up from the table and heading over to the bathrooms along the back.  Koi went to the noodle bar, as she'd said.  What a fucked up day…
 

[Baby Billy]

I'm glad this is not done, I don't think Lucy has solved anything yet.

[Jayme]

Corsets look like scary to me. I'm glad Luzy and Koi are starting to relax again, hopefully there are no unknown triggers that set Luzy off the deep end again

 

[Sophie ♥]

41.)

"Luzy? Huh, it is you…" Contrary to the popular belief that all girls go to the bathroom in groups, it was very rare for a stranger in the bathroom to kick up conversation. "I wasn't sure that I'd ever see you again — are you well?  Nice corset, by the way, it's very you." There was a certain bubbliness to the girl’s voice that was vastly different from the last time they'd met, like she was actually happy, or whatever. Luzy just frowned blankly in return.

"I'm… sorry?" She looked at me outright, turning away from the mirror.  I thought I recognized her, but all in all, I knew I didn't.  I wouldn't forget a face like hers.  She was… really beautiful.  I bit my cheek and tilted my head a little. "I'm sorry, I'm not sure we've met…" But then again, she knew my name.  Luzy.  Huh.  Maybe we had met? "I don't remember faces well." I smiled at her, my hands behind my back.  I shifted foot to foot uncomfortably.  Really needed to use the bathroom...

"Well of all the things to not remember, I would have thought for sure that I wouldn't be on that list." The girl laughed, and when she laughed, her face wrinkled in just the right ways, and her tones echoed off the corners of the bathroom, and she seemed to radiate happiness, or something similar to an auditory version of happiness. "You really don't remember who I am?"

"I'm really sorry," I said quietly, looking her over again and again.  I wanted to remember her.  She seemed to know me, anyway.  And contrary to what I'd said, I don't often forget a face. "Are you Megan's friend?  We don't really talk anymore, so…" Megan was one of the girls I was friends with before the fire.  We fell out.  Actually, I just stopped talking to her.  I stopped talking to everyone but Koi, and even that was because she wouldn't let me stop talking to her.  Megan, incidentally, introduced me to 94% of the people I'd ever met in my entire life.  That girl was a walking address book.

"Well, I do have a friend named Megan, yes, but I don't think she's your Megan. We met… last year. We went to the same doctor, you don't recall? I guess it was a long time ago." It was technically true, they had met on account of the same man, the doctor, the perverted waste of oxygen that he was. That Luzy didn't remember might just have been a good thing. The girl elected not to push. "Anyway, maybe I'm just mistaken…"

"Doctor?" Doctor?  Doctor… hm… there was that man?  I didn't remember his name.  I thought I was seeing him for… maybe stress?  I think it was because I was stressed at school… but I don't remember seeing any of his patients.  Maybe in the waiting room, or coming out of the house.  That would make sense. "Oh, I'm not seeing him anymore.  I guess I'm just doing better, you know?" I smiled happily, still shifting foot to foot. "What about you?  You seem very happy, if I say so myself.  Not to pry…"

"Well… I'm doing okay, yes." Truthfully, for the first time, she was doing okay in a way beyond superficial nonsense. "Let's not waste time talking about lil ol' me, though. How have you been, Luzy? You said you're doing better? That's great to hear. Sometimes you just need a push, and it might not even be from a doctor, it could be from a friend, or just from inside you. How's your studies coming? Childhood development, right?"

"Uh… yeah." Wow.  How did she know that?  Maybe I really did know her.  Huh.  A year ago, though?  No wonder I didn't remember… "Yeah, um.  It's my last year.  One more semester and I'll be done!  I've been babysitting on and off for a while, but right now I'm just working at Subway.  The market isn't that great, you know?  But yeah, yeah, I'm good!  Doing very well!”

"Not a whole lot of money in babysitting, I bet — but I guess if you love kids none of the other factors matter, huh? Well look, I should go — my partner is waiting for me, we're about to go, but…" One hand slipped into her purse, and the other took Luzy's hand, and she wrote down ten digits with a pink marker. "Text me later, if you want. Nice seeing you again, Luzy."

"Nice seeing you." The girl left me alone in the bathroom and I looked down at the number on my hand.  Hm.  I guess I made a friend.  I didn't even know I could still make friends… "What's that?" "Oh.  Some girl's phone number." "…EXCUSE ME?!" "God, Koi, not like that.  Jeeze.  Just a friend I ran into."

"A friend, huh? What's her name?" The blank expression that followed was telling as any admission of guilt could be, and Koi doubled her efforts. "AH HUH! Gosh. One day in a corset and you're already picking up girls. Tell me about her, was she cute? Was she tall? You know I love taller girls." Which was, compared to Koi, every girl.

"Uh.  Maybe two inches taller than me.  And she said she had a partner." Of course, that was like the most vague term I'd ever heard… "Maybe she is gay… only gay people say "partner" right?  I don't know… anyway, I don't think she was hitting on me.  She asked how school was." "So you know her then?" "I guess…" I didn't remember her, though. "I forgot her name."

"You forgot her name? Huh. Guess she wasn't that cute, after all." Koi mused to herself for a moment, and then prompted Luzy to stand up. She reached her up up her back, under her top, and with a flick of her fingers gave the corset an inch more slack. Which, for a first-timer, probably felt like heaven. "There you go, go get some more food."

///

I looked at the numbers on my hand.  She had nice handwriting. "You thinking about her?" "No.  I just… kind of wish I knew where I knew her from.  She said we had the same doctor." It was commercial.  We waited impatiently, the two of us, for the show to come back on. "Want me to open some wine?" "No cheap stuff." "I work at Subway, Koi." I got up to get the wine.

"You know we had the idea in first year that you could basically get cheap wine by mixing rubbing alcohol with grape juice. It didn't go so hot, I don't think I've ever been so sick." Koi was jealous. Of course she was jealous! Some girl was giving her best friend her number, and if anybody got a shot at Luzy from the girl brigade, it was going to be Koi, dammit!

"Well this is authentic, 2011 three dollar wine, I promise." I passed her a glass and sat down just as the show came back on.  Was I supposed to text her?  I wasn't even sure who she was.  Maybe it was best to leave it be.  I liked my life now, my life with school and Koi.  I didn't need more friends.

"You should text her. There's no three day rule if you know her beforehand. And if you don't text her tonight, she'll probably think you don't want to talk to her at all, and give up on waiting. You don't want that, the politics of girls are exceedingly complicated, so you should just avoid that whole mess and text her. Say like… I was wearing a corset for the first time, you were in the bathroom, we talked, you walked, I gawked, how're you?" That was Koi — ever classy.

"…uh.  No.  You're drunk." I took her wine away from her. "Anyway, I've decided I don't want to text her." "You don't?" "Nah.  I don't think it's a very good idea making friends with people I don't remember anyway.  I probably forgot her for a reason, you know!  I bet she hit on me." It was a joke because no one ever hit on me.  Ever.  Boy or girl.  I was pretty.  It just didn't happen.  I had a curse.  Or a blessing.  It's hard to tell sometimes.

"She's got a partner, Luzy." Of course, that could mean she owned a pet store with a co-owner for all the ambiguity that came with the term partner, to be truthfully honest about things. "If you text her, I'll… I'll go a whole day without wearing a corset." It was no secret that Luzy preferred her friend without her shaping garments — a fact that Koi teased her endlessly about, because to her it meant Luzy favored her looking like a ten year old.

"…you would not." "Would so." "You know I don't like girls, right?" "Of course." "Then why are you pushing this?" "Because." "Because why?  Because you think I'm gonna fall in love and we'll go on double dates with four chicks?  It ain't happening!" "Because you probably need more than one friend sometimes.  Not that I'm complaining." "Neither am I." "Then do it." I groaned. "A whole day?" "A whole day." "Gosh, you haven't done that in like… two years." "Yup." "…whatever.  One text.  I'm not gonna sit there and beg her to talk to me."

"One text." Koi nodded in agreement. She didn't like that that'd have to go a whole day without her corset, but she had numerous friends — Luzy used to, too, and she was certainly a more outgoing girl back then. After the disappearance, though, she up and dropped everybody, except for Koi, who wouldn't allow it. A friend would be a good thing for her. The small Asian girl took her wine back and smiled, watching her friend tap the number into her phone.

"Hi.  It's Luzy." I held up my phone for Koi to see, to confirm that I'd typed it, to confirm the number was the same on my hand, and then I hit send. "I mean it, Koi.  One whole day.  Not tomorrow, either.  Monday.  School and everything." Just as I slipped the phone into my pocket, it vibrated.  I took it back out, checking the notification.

"I totally thought your name was spelled Loozy — I feel like such a dummy!" Was the reply on the screen, and Koi arched her neck to see the words that had popped up. "Aw, look! She uses emoji. I bet she's adorable. In my experience, if a girl uses emoji, there's like a 95% chance that she'll be adorable. And I have a pretty sound statistical spread, jus' saying."

"She's cute," I told her.  Honestly, she was very, very beautiful.  One of the most beautiful people I'd seen on the street.  You'd think I'd remember a face like that… maybe she got plastic surgery or something.  Hm. "It's a stupid name either way, I wouldn't worry about it.  Speaking of… what's your name?  I just don't really remember much about you." Or anything.

"I'd have hoped I'd make more of an impression, I suppose I'll have to try harder in future! My name is Kriss. It's not short for anything, it's just Kriss." "It's totally short for something. What kind of parent would name their daughter Kriss? I bet it's like… Christina, and she's just super hipster, the kind of girl who'd name her kids Parfait and Gertrude."

“Right, but our names are Koi and Luzy.”  Even with the name, I still didn't remember her.  Honestly, I felt even more alienated from the girl. "Kriss.  Okay.  I like it." I locked my phone and took another sip of wine. "Pay attention to the show, Koi." "But your texts!" "When she replies I'll check it again.  No use waiting."

"If you're free tomorrow, I'd love to hang out. I have Church in the morning, but I'm free after that. I could even pick you up if you wanted." They both stared blankly at that, both Koi and Luzy. Church. "Well… I don't think her partner is a girl, so you probably don't have too much to worry about on that front." Not that people who went to church couldn't be queer, but Koi had learned the hard way that it was very rare.

"Uh…" I looked at the screen a minute, playing with the edges of it.  I bit my lip, tilting my head. "What are you waiting for?" I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't really… uh… want to?  How do I say that and be polite?  I'm busy or something?" "Why don't you want to?" "I don't know.  I just don't…"

"You do want to. You're just being evasive, the same way you were when you tried to cut me out of your life. And I avoided that happening, and that worked out for the best, didn't it?" Simple logic, really, the sort that Koi was best known for. She smiled, and nodded to the phone. "Hang out with her tomorrow, but tell her you have a curfew because you have school work. That way you have an easy out."

"I guess… but…" "But what?" "I just… I don't really…" Mm… how was I supposed to put this in words? "I just don't like new people." "She's an old person." "Who I don't remember anything about.  She might as well be a new person." "Aren't you curious where you know her?" “Not really?" "…seriously?" "Uh huh." "That's super fucking weird… I'd be curious as hell..."

"It's up to you, but I know that I would wanna know who she is, especially given she knows you. Maybe she knew you in that time when you were AWOL that you don't remember so well. Wouldn't you wanna get to know her if she was? Because then you'd actually have some clue as to what happened, and how you ended up in the fire." One thing Koi had learned, however, was that Luzy was usually very disinterested in such knowledge.

"I'm busy, sorry." I texted back.  Then I put my phone on the coffee table and crossed my arms. "Watch the movie, Koi." "Ugh, you're such a brat sometimes, Luzy…" That day, a year ago, I went home.  Or I meant to.  And I got sidetracked someplace.  It wasn't a mystery the way Koi thought it was.  It was just a thing.  It happened, the end.  And I was never in a fire.  I probably hid in the dumpster to keep myself from getting crushed by the building.  Jeeze.  Dramatic girl…

"Not everybody is going to fight for you the way that I do, Luzy. Not because you're not worth it, but because you never let anybody close enough to you for them to realize you're worth it." Koi frowned. It had taken until the end of the movie for her to manage that much, and there hadn't been any more vibrations on the phone from text messages in the interim. "You have this girl who drops into your lap, and you're pushing her away."

"I'm just not interested." "In what?  Another friend?" "Just… in anything right now… please, just forget it, okay?  I didn't mean for this to happen." I didn't want some girl to fall into my lap.  I didn't want someone to come and give me a revelation about last year.  I was fine where I was!  I didn't want things to be different… and if Koi was right, if this could make them different…

"It's not my business, doll." Koi sounded… resigned. Not upset, just somewhat defeated, and she frowned, pulling her hat down over her ears as she cuddled up to one of the sofa cushions. "I think that change can be a good thing. Children change a hundred times in a year, and if they didn't, they'd all be in diapers and sucking their thumbs at our age. Which, while cute, will make it kinda hard to run the world…"
 

[Sophie ♥]

42.)

She didn't text back that night.  At least I could take solace in that.  She wasn't bugging me to hang out.  Maybe she understood, that I just didn't want to be friends.  Or maybe she was just busy.  Either way, she was making things easy for me.  Koi didn't stay over.  Maybe she was still mad, but I think she just wanted her own bed.  I understood that.  The next day was Sunday.  My first Sunday off work in a whole year.  I wondered what it would be like…

"Do you want to wither or bloom?" Those words sat on the lock-screen of Luzy’s phone for a long time. Maybe Kriss intended for them to, maybe she figured that the girl wouldn't reply either way, or maybe she just knew it would take her a while to process the words. Either way, after that message at 7:08am on Sunday morning, there weren't any other messages.

My head spun.  The words were stupid.  Just words.  Seven words.  They didn't even make sense!  But they just… stuck.  They stuck in my head.  I put my head in my hands and sighed, trying to figure out what the fuck was so important about seven stupid words… maybe it was best just to… ask?  It was three hours ago she sent that message.  It was probably a wrong number… “Huh?" I replied.

It was an hour beyond that before there was a reply — she did have church, she'd said, after all — and it came back very simply. "I'm going to be at the Break Shack on Third at 1 o’Clock today. You're welcome to come see me there, my phone is about to die." And it was weird, because that was the only reply that came. No explanation of those words at all.

"Wait what's up?" "What were you saying?" "I don't even know where that is." But Google did.  Six miles uptown.  I checked the clock.  Just after 11.  I wasn't going though.  It was one stupid sentence.  I didn't care.  So I put my phone aside and went to take a shower.  But all the while, standing and rinsing, there was only one thing I could think about.  Just that one sentence…

Luzy didn't make it at 1pm. But she was there at 1:12pm. Kriss was sitting at a table in the alley next to the building, a thin strip between it and the adjacent business wide enough only for a trio of tables with two chairs at each — it was an unseasonably warm day, so the shade was a welcome blessing. "I knew you'd come, Luzy. I ordered cupcakes, the sort with sprinkles in the cake, your favorite."

"How do you even know that?" I didn't sit down.  She didn't answer me, though.  She didn't say anything at all until I sighed and pulled myself into the seat.  She was so pretty.  It wasn't even funny. "Your… uh… "partner" isn't here?" I still didn't know what she meant by that.  If it was a spouse, though, this was the kind of place you'd go with them.

"That's right, it's just the two of us. I thought it would be better that way — you're shy and reserved, and the last thing you need is pressure on you from yet another person." Kriss smiled and slid the plate of two cupcakes across to Luzy. "You friend, the Japanese one, are you two dating? She's very pretty, I saw her on the way out from the buffet."

"…she's my best friend," I said flatly.  I didn't like her.  But the problem was, I did like her!  I really liked her.  I just… did.  But the way she was acting pissed me off so badly!  I took one of the little cupcakes and looked it over.  It looked pretty good, so I took a bite. "We aren't dating."

"I think you'd make a cute couple, really! She's very pretty, and just your type." Which was to say, she was small and child-like in the most adult possible way, which seemed to be what worked best for the girl back in the custody of him. It was, of course, hard to tell where her own preferences ended and his influence begun, though. "I mean, I know you liked boys before last year, but things change so I was just wondering."

"I still like boys," I said flatly, watching the girl as I ate my cupcake.  She was surreal, in a lot of ways.  Her beauty, her voice.  She was almost angelic.  But she wore normal clothes.  She didn't dress any particular way.  And she was always smiling, in some fashion.  A real smile to a small smile to an asymmetrical smile.  She liked to smile.  It suited her.

"Boys are nice, or they can be. I used to like boys, but now I'm not so sure. I had a bad experience with one last year, he was a successful doctor and he knew the right words to say, but in the end I was never good enough for him." Clearly, Luzy was repressing memories. It wasn't surprising, not after everything she'd gone through. But so far as Kriss was concerned, repression was running and she didn't favor running anymore. Running was withering.

"I'm sorry to hear that…" The same doctor as the one I saw?  I doubted it.  There were lots of doctors.  Anyway, I didn't remember much about the guy I saw.  He was pretty successful though, whatever he'd done.  I didn't stress nearly the same way anymore.

"Oh, don't be. It was a pretty bad place I was in with him, but in the end I figured out how to be happy on my own. I just needed to get through that place to get to this one, you understand?" Luzy was mesmerized by the girl, focused intently as Kriss took out her little lipgloss and slid it across her lips.

"I guess…" Not really.  But I wasn't sure what her point was supposed to be anyhow.  I finished the cupcake and looked around the small alley.  It looked okay.  Quieter.  A stark contrast to the rest of the street out front.

"I knew you, back then." It was best to start to peel away the layer of regression sooner, rather than later. "When I was dating him. Actually, you're a part of why he broke up with me, so I guess back then  was always a little envious. You're very sweet, very cute. Everything he wanted after he was done with me." For anybody else's voice, it might have sounded creepy, or spiteful. For Kriss, she actually sounded… apologetic.

"…I'm really sorry.  I mean, I didn't know…" I remembered very little of the doctor.  If I was thinking about the right guy, anyway.  He was young.  And he was cute.  I remembered that.  Even if I was interested in him - which I might have been - I would never have gotten in the way of him and a girlfriend. "I swear, I didn't do anything with him, though!  If… if that's why you asked me here…"

"Oh, you don't need to be worried about that." Besides which, she did just about everything with him, except for vaginal — he always muttered about no girl he'd yet taken being worthy of that. She reached her hand across the table and took Luzy's. "I'm not upset. In fact, I'm elated to have been able to see you again. There were a few of us that he used and tossed aside, and I guess after that we all drifted. Honestly, I never thought I'd see you again — you're even prettier than I remembered, too. But you look sad… always sad. Sadder than back then."

"Oh… I didn't sleep well, I'm sorry." I smiled at the woman, her hand in mine.  Her skin was soft like blankets.  It was magical.  Seriously, how anyone would turn away from this woman for me was impossible.  Maybe I should doubt her story. "I'm glad there's no bad blood between us.  I sincerely didn't know he was dating anyone, and I never flirted."

"Think nothing of it, trust me — any animosity I would ever have felt would be for him, but even he's not worth the time in my head to worry about. He was quite cute though, wasn't he? Do you remember? That blond hair, and the way he smiled…?" The words had reminded her of something, so Kriss was hedging her bets on the idea that thinking about what the doctor looked like might as well.

"I…" I felt really uncomfortable.  Maybe this is how you feel when you talk to a complete stranger about her boyfriend who left her for someone else, being me, whom he never even advanced on?  Ugh. "Uh… I just… he was fine…" He was cute.  I remembered him being cute.  I remembered his hair.  I remembered his smile.  I felt sick…

Kriss smiled warmly and tenderly. "Those were the last words I said to you, before helping you out of the room when the building was burning. I asked if you want to wither or bloom. I don't think you remember me asking you that, but I think you remember that it saved your life. Right?" Her soft hand continued to play over Luzy's fingertips, even though the girl was trembling.

I took my hand back from her, looking something between horrified and confused.  I shook my head and stood up from the table.  I was going to throw up… "E-excuse me…" I walked through the restaurant and into the bathrooms.  It took all of fifteen seconds before I started to throw up the cupcake I'd eaten.  Ugh.  Maybe I was allergic to it or something…

Soft fingers took Luzy’s hair and held it up away from her head as she threw up, and the other hand ever-softly rubbed her back while she cooed and whispered. "There there, baby doll, it's okay. You're okay. Get all that up and out, and you'll be just fine." Her tone was singsong, like an angel might talk if angels deigned to speak to human beings.

I slid to the floor and curled my knees against my chest.  My head rested awkwardly against the cold tile wall and I tried to catch my breath. "M-musta been… allergic to the cupcake…" The woman looked down at me with a look I'd never seen quite so plainly: genuine concern.  She swallowed, and smiled, and came to sit next to me. "S-sorry about… r-rushing off like that…"

"Do you ever read in books about… bad things happening. Just… unconscionable, horrible, terrible things… and you wonder about the characters, about how they'll ever be able to go back to living normal lives after that…? You just can't imagine them being able to… not unless they could make themselves maybe… forget the bad thing that happened…" Kriss in her white dress looked as angelic as her voice sounded, but she sat on the floor of the public bathroom next to Luzy without a second thought, she wiped her lips with toilet paper, she ran fingers through her hair.

"I… I don't wanna be rude, but… I don't really feel like talking right now, if that's okay…?" She sighed and got up to throw the toilet paper away.  I kept my knees curled to my chest.  I wasn't sure if I was going to throw up again.  I hadn't ever gotten so sick so suddenly...

However she had, it was buried deep — she didn't remember, to the point of throwing up violently, shivering on the bathroom floor with no more awareness of what had happened than an ordinary stranger on the street. Some things triggered feelings, but memories were locked away. "Of course, I'm so insensitive. I'll fetch you some water, wait right here." The back of her dress was dark from sitting on the floor, but Kriss didn't seem to care — it was part of what made her who she was.

I played gently with the edges of my shirt while I waited, and when Kriss came back with a glass of water, I drank the whole thing.  It made my mouth taste a whole lot better. "Thank you very much… I think I can walk now…" I got up from my place on the floor and pulled myself along the wall.  Kriss had her perpetual smile, but it seemed more distraught.  I didn't ask about it.

"I want to be friends, and I know that's hard for you… but I'd like to try. Even if we take it slow, and only text once a week, or something. Do you think you could manage that? We'll go at your pace." The two of them were in the alley again, though neither was sitting — Luzy was leaning against the wall, and Kriss was against the other one.

“Sure, alright…" I still didn't really know where we knew each other, or how.  But I guess it didn't really matter.  I forgot things sometimes, everyone does.  But I could just get to know her again, if I wanted to. "That sounds nice.  Koi will be happy."

"And I really liked you in the corset, it's a really pretty look for you, and shows off your hips really nice. Not that it really matters, but I thought you looked gorgeous." Kriss was odd when it came to appearances, her dress was simple, almost shapeless, but it also seemed to flow and to accentuate every positive aspect of her slender body, like it had a mind of its own.

“Thank you…" She gave me a hug and left.  A hug.  Hm.  I guess that's normal, right?  But then again, Koi and I barely hug.  I finally got in my car and left, checking my cell phone.  I read her text again, once more, and without thinking too much, deleted it.  I'd text her later, when I got home.
 

[Sophie ♥]

43.)

"The corset I let you wear? Yeah, I got it as a free giveaway for modeling some of that companies stuff a few months ago. Do you want it?" Koi was at her job, and Luzy had stopped in, which wasn't too unusual. They weren't busy, anyway, so it wasn't too big an issue. The sun was sitting low in the sky, and the weather warmth was starting to finally let up. "Why do you ask?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "You said it doesn't fit you anyway, right?" "Yeah, overlaps where the laces meet." "I'll have it if you don't want it…" "…you want a corset?" "I won't tie it tight enough to kill me, like you do, but maybe it would be a cute… like… aesthetic…"

Koi had never ever seen Luzy take an interest in corsets before, so it was surprising, but she nodded with a casual smile. "Of course. I'll lace it for you whenever you want, too, and show you how to lace it yourself if you wanna wear it and I'm not around." Man, Luzy in a corset as a more regular thing? Koi was giddy.

"Oh no no no no!  You are not lacing it!  You like strangle me to death.  I'm not doing it for shape or masochism like you - just as a visual.  Got it?" "But you're missing the pointttt!" "Better than missing oxygen." I leaned on the counter and sighed.  It was such a weird day… "I saw that girl… Kriss?  We met for lunch…"

"Oh yeah?"That elation was much harder for Koi to hide, and she found herself smiling happily. "I'm proud of you, chickadee, what made you change your mind?" Corsets and cute lesbian meetings and new friendships? This was like… the Luzy that Koi used to know. This was good!

"…just figured you were right and I was being stupid." Totally not true.  But I might as well earn myself some brownie points. "I'm gonna head home.  Try to get an early night for class tomorrow.  I have homework, anyway…" Things I put off.  I'm usually so much better about this stuff.

"Alright, you can stop by my place and grab the corset, it's unlocked." Which meant her room-mate was home, which made things easy. "See you at school tomorrow, yeah? You should wear the corset as contrast to my not wearing one. Believe me, I am not excited about this turn of events, Luzy! I look like an eight year old without my laces."

"Hey Cindy." She waved from the couch.  She was lazy and quiet.  I liked Cindy.  She made me feel good about how terrible I was at getting things accomplished. "I'm just grabbing something from Koi's room, okay?" "Yup." The corset, as expected, was in the back of the closet.  She had way too many of these things…

Alongside the corsets — which were delicate hung on a dedicated rod in back of the closet, there wasn't much else to see — apart from an open shoebox on the floor which couldn't help but draw attention; inside were stacks of photos, the one of top of Koi and Luzy… and Luzy was smiling. Smiling the way she never did nowadays, bright and bold and brilliant. It was hard not to notice.

I sat quietly at the little box and looked through the photos of us.  They were opened recently.  Koi must have been looking at them.  I sifted through them a ways, until I realized how late it was getting.  We used to have so much fun then.  I wondered if she still had fun, or if I was weighing her down.  I took the corset and left Koi's place.  

"Shouldn't you be asleep, little princess?" The reply came in to the girl’s phone quickly enough to deduce that Kriss hadn't been asleep, despite the fact it was one in the morning. The preceding message had been glum and dark, and the brightness of the reply Kriss sent was suitably dazzling.

"I took a nap," I lied.  I didn't know why I was texting her this late.  I shouldn't have been.  But I was tired and lonely and I didn't have Nora anymore.  It was better this way, better I didn't have Nora.  But still… "Do you work?  I mean, shouldn't you be in bed, too?"

"I'm working on a paper at the moment, but it's driving me insane with boredom. You wanna hang out? I'll pick you up and we'll stop at the first diner we see and order the weirdest things on the menu." Kriss definitely had an unusual idea of fun, but at the same time the suggestion sounded exactly like her.

"Um.  I actually really do need to sleep.  I'm just working my way there I guess." It was a weird system.  I had to be up in six hours, and I needed to sleep now.  I couldn't go out for a late dinner… "Sorry" I sent another text.  Why couldn't I be better at talking to her?

"That's okay, you don't need to be sorry for turning down a silly proposal like that one, honestly most people would do the same! Was your friend Coy happy that you came and hung out with me? I think I'd like if she was, happiness is in short supply in the world nowadays. Wow. That sounded like a tacky emo band lyric!"

She wrote long messages.  I wrote short ones, but sometimes more than her.  She'd never send more than one message between replies. "It's spelled Koi.  And I think she was fine with it.  She seemed happy I guess.  I don't know.  She's weird." I was weirder.  I decided not to mention that.

"Weird is just a cuter way of saying different, and I think differences are really cute. I don't think I could date someone who wasn't at least a little bit different. I'm different, too, I dress like an extra out of an 80's glam girl band music video and smile a lot, and like some stuff that most people would think was just really strange. But I'm not ashamed of it, because why should I be? Wanna know what it is?"

"Um.  Okay.  But like you don't know me so don't feel like you have to be all personal and stuff 'cuz I threw up at lunch." Honestly, knowing something about this woman that made her seem less than perfect might even be ideal.  She was just so amazing…

"Well, you'll think it's weird, but it is and it'll be okay once you understand that weird is okay. But sometimes I like to dress like a kid. Like a really young kid, like in party dresses and maryjanes and stuff! I have some other stuff I have for those times, too, but you probably think that's weird enough."

I looked at the text, reading it over three times.  She was kidding, right?  Did she know about me?  I mean, me before?  Did I tell her…?  No.  Of course not.  Was this Koi?  Was Koi fucking with me?!  She was the only one that knew, right?  Just her and the d-…no, wait.  Wait, why would I tell him?  Ugh, my head hurt… "That's cool" I typed back.  I felt like I was going to throw up again…

"I love that about you, you're so chill. Not that I think you think it's cool, you probably think it's weird, but you know me long enough and you'll see that weird is just different. But you'll eventually see that, and then you'll be chill about it, and when we go to the mall or something you'll point out cute pacifiers just to see me smile." The message was followed up by a heart emoji, and it honestly did seem as though she wasn't making fun of Luzy, wasn't making light of her — it sounded like just an ordinary confession, one she wasn't the least bit ashamed of.

…I couldn't do this right now. "I gotta go to bed.  Text in the morning." I didn't want her to think I found it weird.  I didn't want her to think I was upset or bothered.  I just needed to go.  I just needed to not talk about this.  I couldn't do this!  Fuck!  Can't this one stupid thing just leave me the fuck alone!  PLEASE?