Anna. (Complete)

[Sophie ♥]

"Go out with me." Cho wasn't asking, and he wasn't private about it or anything.  He sat in Anna’s usual seat, looking at Star very intensely. "Just a date.  To the movies.  Tonight.  Please?" Linds had put down her book for this.  I hadn't come to school that day, though.  Because of this, Linds had little reason to care about anything.

I looked at the boy and thought about Anna, thought about last night and what we'd shared in that moment. And that it had all ended with the very clear instruction never to expect it to happen again. Fuck. What were we, Anna and I? I'd spent all of last night laying awake thinking about the way our trembling bodies had touched, remembering what it felt like to have two heart-beats sync up like a well-conducted orchestra and wondering how it could have meant so little to her. I should have said I loved her. Not when she asked, but at the door. Things would have been so much different. I looked up and Cho was  waiting patiently, so I muttered a quick and distracted, "Sure."

And then, after a moment of further thought, I added, "Six sound good?" Six would give me time to check on Anna, at least. Why was I doing this? After the talk Anna had given me about boundaries, about not hurting Cho by leading him on… why was I doing this? Maybe I thought it would somehow normalize things. Or maybe I was just lonely after being shown a moment of happiness and having it taken away. Everything was all messed up.

The boy bounced away giddy in anticipation for his upcoming date, but Linds sighed and returned to her book. "You're not doing anyone any favors."

///

"Not today, Star." Claire had never been strict to the boy before, but her tone was entirely solid.  She didn't want Star in the house. What was more interesting, though, was that she was usually at work in mid-afternoon. "She'll be in school tomorrow and you can talk to her then."

Wow. I was not popular today. After striking out with Lindsey, the harsh rebuttal from Claire was twice as hard to handle. But she liked me, both of Anna's parents did, and I didn't wanna ruin that. So I smiled respectfully and handed her a little bundle of books. "These are my notes from today. I highlighted and tagged the relevant stuff. And I did her poetry assignment for her on the way here, she just needs to copy it into her own writing. Uh… yeah. That's about it, I think. Hope she's okay." I kissed the woman's cheek and smiled, then turned and left.

I had a date with a boy tonight. That'd be an interesting one to explain to my sister - she was usually the one who helped me look nice. But by the time 5:45 rolled around, I was waiting at the cinema and looking quite good, I thought. A little liner, a nice button up, skinny jeans and I'd even cleaned off my scruffy pink chucks so the whites were sparkling. Guess Cho would be here, soon.

///

"Hey, you actually came!" The Korean boy smiled up at Star and ran up to him, stopping a foot away and motioning to the theater.  Cho paid, which was probably a good thing in Star's case.  He also bought popcorn and a single soda for them both to share. "I can get two… I don't really care."

"It's cool. I figure other boys don't have cooties, right?" I gave him a playful smile and we sat down in the theater, middle seats three rows from the back. Too far back and the old mechanical projectors would've been bothersome. So we sat, and I slipped my hand into his. Smooth, like a girl’s. "What's your story, Cho? I figure I should probably know a little more about you than 'you're hot' and 'you're Korean' and 'you're gay' if we're going to be dating."

Cho looked up at Star with mild surprise. "Dating?" He digested the word before doing what he promised he wouldn't do tonight - talk about me. "What about Anna?  I thought you really liked her… not that I'm complaining.  I just don't really wanna be anyone's second best, you know?" But it was the way he spoke.  This event and having asked Star out was a very new concept to Cho and he was very worried of fucking it up.

"I adore her." My words felt cheap and diluted, an understatement and an insult to the girl that I wanted to badly to share more with. But I was here with Cho and as I'd waited for the pretty Korean boy in front of the cinema, I'd come up with a reason this could be beneficial. "But these games are exhausting. I'll probably still make out with her, if you're cool with it. But I like you, Cho. You make me smile and everyone keeps telling me I must be gay, so maybe I am. We might work out, we might not. But fuck, it's high-school. Let's just enjoy ourselves."

I didn't know if that would be enough for the boy; I tried to explain it to him the way I would want someone to explain it to me, but I honestly didn't know if that would make him happy or miserable. And that would've been okay, if I had the justification that it was the truth. But it really wasn't. Well, most of it was. But if Anna asked me out, I'd have been there in a heartbeat.

"Wait, wait, wait… you and Anna make out?!” Cho was floored by the news and he faced the screen, which, right now, wasn't playing anything.  His mouth was open in astonishment.  It took him a moment to compose himself, and he shook his head.

"Yeah, well… like once or twice. It's not a regular thing. Is that a big deal? I thought she was single?" What the fuck man, what the hell is with all this secrecy. Everyone else knew but me and it was starting to make me crazy.

“I dunno.  Maybe not?  Maybe yeah.  I dunno…” Cho seemed really messed up about that whole thing.  

"I think she only did it because I'm a loser and she felt sorry for me. What's the big deal? You and Linds both get all freaky when I talk about Anna. What's going on? I just wish someone would stop keeping all this from me. You all know. And you all say I'm not doing people any favors. So tell me what's going on so I can stop messing up."

Cho didn't know what to say - what he was allowed to say, what he /should/ say.  On one hand, he wanted to deter Star at all costs, but he didn't want to violate the trust placed in him either.  Fuck, why did he have to be involved at all?!

"She likes girls, for one." He frowned, crossing his arms.  It was only an average answer, though. "You can't get very far with a gay girl, being a guy and all.  And no.  I know what you're thinking, and no.  She really only likes girls.  If you would've seen the way she was before, you'd understand.  But you'll just have to trust me instead."

"What do you mean 'the way she was before'? I know she prefers girls. Just stop being so roundabout and tell me what the deal is. I wanna enjoy a date with you, Cho. I wanna be able to help her and I wanna have some fun with you and while this big secret is hanging over everything it makes it all really really hard."

All I could remember is how she kissed me on my first day, how we'd run our hands over each others bodies when we were flying, how she was so comfortable having me around. And then there was the fact we’d had sex! Last I checked, sex-with-boys didn't match up to the boy-hating-lesbian-agenda that Cho was implying.

Cho closed his eyes and shook his head.  He wasn't particularly good at controlling anxieties, but Star didn't know that.  He tended to avoid conversations like this, and he was particularly weak against the tone Star was using.  Normally, in a situation like this, he'd learned to walk away.  But this was his date… "We don't talk about it, Star.  Now let's enjoy the movie, okay?"

We don't talk about it. We don't talk about it. We don't talk about it. Fuck it. I seethed quietly in my chair and resolved to figure out what the hell this big secret was. But for now I needed Cho to think I was over it, that I believed him. So I smiled, and I ate popcorn, and I sipped from his soda as the trailers ran. "Kissing you was pretty interesting the other night. Never kissed a boy before. Despite what people might think. Hope I wasn't too forward."

"Not forward at all." Cho leaned over and kissed Star on the lips, slipping his head on his shoulder to watch the movie as the opening rolled.  This he could do.  No stress.  Well, except that which came with a first date.  But that he could handle.  Still, despite the facade he put on for Star, Cho was very worried about Anna, and even more so when she didn't come to school the next day either.
 

[Pudding]

Star's not gay tho~

[Sophie ♥]

9 minutes ago, Pudding said:

Star's not gay tho~

Yeah of course not!

(he's bi)

[Wannatripbaby]

Well that was... unexpected. I'm not quite sure what to make of this chapter. It seemed a little... out in left field. Probably because it's the only chapter that didn't have Anna in it. Amd maybe it was supposed to feel odd for that very reason?

[Pudding]

[Baby Billy]

I really am finding this quite interesting,  I love the characters and their differences.  If I will try to guess, I would say that Juliette committed suicide and Anna has not recovered from it and her friends are trying to protect her.  

[Sophie ♥]

16 hours ago, Baby Billy said:

If I will try to guess, I would say that Juliette committed suicide and Anna has not recovered from it and her friends are trying to protect her.  

The only way to find out is for Sophie to post more!

...oh wait.  I'm Sophie.

More story incoming!  

[Sophie ♥]

///

"Maybe we should visit…" "Her Moms will take care of it, you know that." "But maybe a friendly…" But Star approached the table and Linds and Cho both quieted down.

The moment I realized Anna wasn't here today, I turned around without another word and left the cafeteria. I broke into a run when I got outside and I didn't stop until I got to Anna's driveway. I knocked on the door and when Chloe answered I dropped my schoolbag to the side of my feet and took a breath.

"Look. I know there's this big secret that everyone seems to know but me. I know that something happened. I don't know what it was. And maybe everyone knows so much better than me in this case when it comes to what to do. But it seems to me like everyone is hiding. Hiding from whatever it was. And she's never ever going to get past it if she's protected from it forever. It's just going to build and build and build like a balloon filled with too much air and eventually it's going to burst and Anna won't be Anna anymore! If nobody will tell me what's going on, that's fine. Maybe it's better that way. But at least let me talk to her." The words flowed from my lips in just the same way they'd sounded in my head and by the time I took a breath at the end I felt light-headed.

Maybe it was the thirty-six hours without sleep.  Or maybe it was what had happened to me yesterday morning.  But Chloe moved away and let the boy in the door.  She closed it behind him and walked silently back into the kitchen to bake more bread.

///

I wasn't asleep, but the curtains on my bed were drawn and my eyes were closed.  I couldn't get the things in my head under control.  I felt dizzy, endlessly dizzy.  I slept a lot, but I still felt so tired.  A white bandage was tied across my forearm near the elbow.

When I sat on the edge of the bed, I'd already closed the door, and I drew the curtains shut around us as well. She was hurt. I wanted to shake her and scream at her for being stupid. I wanted to fawn over her and make sure she was okay. But I did neither of those things. I just laid next to her and I pulled her head onto my chest and I spoke barely above a whisper. "I missed you. I'm glad you're okay. Wanna talk about it?"

I shook my head, not saying a word.  Star was here… who let Star in?  The hours had sort of blurred together and I wasn't sure which one of my parents was home at the time.  But they shouldn't have let him in.  It would just make it all worse…

"So I went on a date with Cho. I don't know why I did. I guess I wanted to show you that I valued your friendship more than getting in your pants. Figured it would make you trust me enough to open up to me. It wasn't as douchey a move as it sounds. I told him exactly how I felt. And I don't wanna hurt him. He's a pretty good kisser, you know? Not as good a kisser as you, though." It was the best thing I could think of to do, just to try and normalize things. I wanted so desperately to just dig my fingernails into that shell she kept up. To pick and pull and work my way in and help her out of the glass prison she was trapped inside of. But I had to be patient. "I can help. We can talk. Or we can fly. But either way, I can help."

"Please go away, Star… you shouldn't be here…" I still didn't move.  My arm hurt really bad.  I still didn't open my eyes.  I didn't want to see him.  His voice was already too much.  I just wanted him to go away and let me be alone.  I was happy.  I was actually happy before he came into my life.  And now I have these feelings…

"Go out with me," It was a stupid question to ask, it was a stupid time to ask it. But she was so absorbed in her melancholy, so surrounded in grey, I needed her to see a flash of color. "Just one date. I'll pay." Maybe that was the most shocking part of all, because I never had money. But this was something I'd been working on. "You can say no. You can tell me to go away. I know sometimes you need to be alone…" My fingers slipped into hers and I looked at her bandaged arm. "But sometimes being alone is the worst thing of all. Sometimes you just need a good friend. Sometimes you just gotta trust that friend."

"I have a girlfriend, Star." Damn he was predictable sometimes.  I get it.  He likes me.  But I'd probably have to say it a hundred times for him to understand I could never like him that way.  I had Juliet.  I didn't need anyone else.

"I want to meet Juliet." It was the first time I'd been so bold as to say it, and I had my theories on why I'd never be given the opportunity. But I challenged her, now, I put her on the spot and maybe it was the worst time in the world to be saying it. "I'll be happy with you as my friend forever, Angel. Making out or not, mushrooms or not, even if you never trust me the way you trust everyone else. They all know what's going on, why we don't talk about her. But I don't. And I might not ever and that's okay. But I feel like the girl I met on the first day of school is drowning inside there, and she just wants someone to throw her a life preserver."

I took a deep breath and sat up slowly, opening my eyes to the dim light of the bedroom.  The curtains were drawn as well as the shades on the windows.  I pulled on the little bandage that wrapped around my arm and it fell off.  The skin beneath it was singed with two new strips.  The area around it was red and the wound itself had blistered.

"Juliet used to do this… whenever she would find life too stressful.  She'd take a hair bow - the sort with a little metal clamp - and heat it with a cigarette lighter.  And she'd press it to her skin… I always tried to stop her… but she didn't listen… I guess it makes me feel close to her now… when in every other regard I've lost her…”

I put my arms around her lithe body and pulled her close, being very very careful not to touch her wounds. I held her like that for a few moments and then put my hands on her shoulders, looking into her deep blue eyes. My own eyes were… well… unremarkable. Brown-eyed Mom, Brown-eyed Dad, Brown-eyed Twinklestar. The fact that Moonbeam had blue eyes was a pretty big thing in our family. But I digress. I looked into her eyes and I put my finger to her lips when she tried to speak. It was only once I'd pulled her into my lap, only when my fingers traced through her hair, that I finally asked. "What happened to Juliet, Angel?"

I shook my head and pulled away, tugging the covers back to my neck and facing away from Star, my head on my pillow again.  I didn't want him to touch me… "I went into the hospital, after I found out… after I did this to my arm.  They put me on medicine.  But I wasn't coping well… in the end, the doctor decided that if I thought about her less, the rumination would go away.  They took my pictures… but they can't take my memories, Star.  And I'll always remember, even if no one says her name again." I felt tears on my cheeks and I wiped them on the pillow. "Thank you for saying it… but please… go now… and forget about this…"

I didn't have much else to say on the matter. I laid down next to her and gently re-bandaged her arm, then smiled and put my head on the pillow being careful not to touch her. "Sic transit gloria mundi. All glory in the world shall fade. Anna, everything we have is only in a moment and that moment can end at any given heartbeat. I'm your friend now, but at the end of the year my parents will get evicted and we might never see one another again. But that's okay, because the future doesn't dictate the present. It's the opposite. Learn from the past. Live for the present. And hope for the future. It sucks what happened… but you should treasure those memories. And make new ones every day with the hand you've got right now. Because tomorrow's Anna will need something to treasure, too."

I kissed her cheek and slid up from her bed and left her bedroom. In the living room, Chloe looked drawn and exhausted. "If you'd like to sleep, I'll stay for a while. Please?"

She shook her head and led Star to the door. "She probably won't be at school tomorrow, so don't be worried, okay?" She faked a smile and kissed the boy's cheek, hugging him tight… she was obviously a wreck.  Star left the house and she closed the door behind him.
 

[Baby Billy]

OK Sophie now I am sure I was right.  Great chapter, I am thinking of supporting you on my patreon account.?

[Wannatripbaby]

Damn... I kinda figured it was something like that. So the Grief Councillor's advice to a nigh-suicidal Anna was "just don't think about her and everything will be fine"? What a whackjob. I'm not even an actual Therapist and even I know that's not gonna work long-term. Evasion never solves anything. It can be useful in the short-term, but it's just not tenable as a permanent coping mechanism.

Grammar Patrol:

4 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

It's just going to build and build and build like a balloon with filled with too much air

 

[Sophie ♥]

2 hours ago, Baby Billy said:

Great chapter, I am thinking of supporting you on my patreon account.?

 I would be extremely appreciative of such a thing!  Anna isn't up on Patreon yet, but it should have a PDF and ePub version on there in the next day or two!  Also, you get Discord access which is AWESOME because we are super fun to talk to.  

2 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Grammar Patrol:

Fixed!

Also!  Please check back later tonight for the conclusion of Chapter 5!  It wouldn't be a Sophie & Pudding story without a couple more twists.

[Baby Billy]

Hi, I addsed you and Pudding to my account as a sponsor I know it not much but I love your work and wanted to let you know.  I only have one other I support.  Can't wait to see if my theory is right , ( my signature)

[Baby Billy]

i have just one question is pudding helping write this, because all post are from you.  When I first saw the story and you said there was no diaper or baby in it I would have been turned off, but as I have learned there are a few authors here that be trusted to keep use interested no matter what the plot is.  I can tell when someone puts effort and thought into their work and love reading them.

[Sophie ♥]

2 hours ago, Baby Billy said:

Hi, I addsed you and Pudding to my account as a sponsor I know it not much but I love your work and wanted to let you know. 

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! *hugs* If you have a Discord, be sure to join so we can chat. ❤️ 

36 minutes ago, Baby Billy said:

i have just one question is pudding helping write this, because all post are from you. 

Yes.  Pudding and I write the stories together, but I edit and post them.  Generally speaking, Pudding is the purple text (and most side-characters) and I'm the blue text (and usually the main character).  This is an exception, where I write Anna (purple) and she writes Star (blue).  I also write Cho, Lindsay, Claire, and Chloe!

In 15 minutes, I'll post the end of Ch. 5!

[Sophie ♥]

///

The next day at school Star was very out of focus in his classes, so it wasn't much a surprise when he didn't feel his shoulder being tapped. "Excuse me?  Can I have a pencil please?"

"Sure, here you go…" I passed the pencil back without thinking and then went back to my work. About twenty seconds later I spun around and stared at the girl with narrow eyes. What the fuck? The pictures in Anna's glove compartment…

"What's your name?" It couldn't be her, could it? I tried to stay as calm as possible, I didn't want to freak her out if she was just some other girl. It didn't make sense, though, not in the slightest. Juliet was dead. So the girl in the pictures… this girl… it had to be someone else, right?

"Uh… Stephanie.  Why?" She looked almost dumbstruck by the suddenness of this boy.  She'd had to have asked him for a pencil a hundred times already - she was always very forgetful.  But he never gave her more than two seconds of his time.  She always just figured him to be a little snobby.  But it was just that Star was lost in his head more than he liked to admit.

"Stephanie…" Huh. I shook my head and went back to my desk. She looked so much like… but she couldn't be, could she? That was crazy. When class finished, I followed the girl for a time and then walked alongside her. "Sorry about earlier, you just look a whole lot like someone I know. Do you have a sister?" I held out my hand and smiled. "I'm Star."

"I know who you are." But she shook his hand anyway. "And no, I'm sorry.  I don't have a sister or anything." She had a bit a worried look on her face, obviously concerned for this poor boy.  She wanted to help, but she really didn't know what else to say.

My head slowly nodded and I motioned to the girls arms; they were covered by the same sort of jacket that Anna had a tendency to wear. "Can I see your arms?" She looked at me like I was crazy, and I felt crazy. She just looked too much like Juliet. Unless the girl in the photos wasn’t Juliet. Which was a distinct possibility.

"Sure, I guess…" She rolled up her sleeves and flashed the bare skin on her arms from the wrist to the upper arm.  Nothing unnatural.  But she was very concerned for Star and slowly moved her sleeves back down. "Do you need to go to the nurse or something?  You're kinda wigging me out…"

"I'm fine. Thanks." I stepped away from the girl and shook my head. What the fuck, Star?

///

When lunch time came, I sat down across from Linds and frowned. "Juliet. Stephanie. What's the connection. What's going on?" So far, only Linds was at the table and it was a good thing, too, because it meant I didn't have to deal with anybody else. Cho, especially, was a hassle. He made his objections to my curiosity very evident and it was easier just not having to deal with him. "I want answers. Because if I don't get them, I might fuck up and Anna might end up hurt because of my ignorance."

"Stephanie?  The girl Anna dated in like, ninth grade?  Why do you wanna know about her?" Linds looked really concerned, putting her book down as she noticed the name Juliet. "What the hell did you go and do now?!"

Ninth grade… I frowned and looked away. Occam's razor. Fuck. "Yeah. Never mind…" I sighed and put my head down on my arms on the table, still no closer to working out the mystery. If Juliet wasn't the girl from the photos then I knew even less than I thought. Still, they seemed like such a strange thing to keep in a glove compartment. I'd stopped bringing my packed lunches to school in protest of Anna not being here and so I didn't have much else to do at lunch time but think, anyway. Nobody else had arrived and I sighed a little, thinking about Anna.

Linds wasn't as passive about the topic as Star was.  She slammed her book down on the table to get his attention and when he looked up she looked sternly into his eyes. "What do you know about Juliet, Star?  What did you tell her?”

"I don't know anything, and that's the problem!" I didn't like raising my voice and it was the last time I did, I made sure of it; the rest of what I said was tempered softly into my usual volume and tone. "What the hell happened with Juliet, Linds? Because not knowing is only making things worse. I'm going to say something I shouldn't and she's going to wind up hurt and I. Don't. Want. That." I put my head back on the table and frowned. "Feel like a kid at Christmas time. Everyones sneaking around like I don't know what's going on…"

"Nothing happened with her." Linds sat down in a huff and opened her book back up, fuming a little as the cafeteria started to fill.  She had to read over the same sentence three times before she understood what it was saying.

I took the book from the girl’s hands and tossed it across the cafeteria floor, the pages crumpling against the wall. "If you don't tell me, I'll ask her myself. Is that what you'd prefer?"

Linds was livid.  How dare he think he knows what's best.  He didn't know anything. "I wasn't hiding anything, you asshole! Nothing happened with Juliet!  She's not real!  She's just someone Anna made up, and when she found out she went into the hospital.  We don’t talk about her because she doesn’t exist!  We're trying not to fuck with Anna's world, here!  What are you trying to do?  Burn it to the ground?"

"Bullshit!" I stood up and stormed out of the cafeteria. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.

///

I didn't go home, but I didn't go to Anna's either. I just walked. I walked and I seethed and I hated the way the anger made me feel. I'd never been so angry before… it just wasn't my type of emotion. Around the time the sun went down was when I finally decided to go somewhere, and I wound up on Anna's doorstep. The door opened. I was looking at the ground. "Is she real? Juliet?" It didn't matter if it was Chloe or Claire. I just had to know.

"Real enough…" Claire opened the door and let the boy in, pulling out a chair at the kitchen table.  Chloe wasn't around.  Claire walked into the kitchen and walked back out, handing Star a piece of paper with his name - Twinklestar - on the front.  Star opened it and read each line carefully.

"TS - I'm really sorry, doll.  I wanted very badly to spend the rest of my life with you.  Maybe have kids someday.  Live happily ever after, you know?  But I can't.  It's not your fault or anyone's.  It's not Chloe's or Claire's.  It's not Lindsay's.  It's just the way the cards were dealt.  I can't keep it up anymore.  She only stopped taking her pills because she loves me.  But you have to understand that it could never work.  She understands too.  In this life, neither of us can have what we want.  I love you, Star.  I'll see you again someday. ~Juliet"
 

[mahleedl]

Uh...  wait.  What?!  Oh dear... !!!

[Baby Billy]

OK totally blew me away with that.

 

 

 

[Wannatripbaby]

I honestly thought it might be something like that. Ex-girlfriend who killed herself seemed a bit too... simple. But Schizophrenia also ran into the same problem as the incompetent grief counselor. You can't just *ignore* a serious issue like that and hope it goes away! Especially when Star started asking questions and nobody would take him aside and explain the issue!

[Baby Billy]

I love these characters in this story, I hope that Anna doesn't die, that would destroy Star.

[Baby Billy]

I do not know if anyone ever read a story and got depressed by it.  This is breaking my heart, Star has been moved so much that a true friend can not come.  Anna has problems no one will talk about and the others live in their little world and don't bother with life.  I wish that Annas moms would take Star in and give him a loving home. (can not give this post my smile)

[Sophie ♥]

Hi everyone!  Thanks for reading the end of Ch. 5 and all your thoughts and stuff.  Before I get too much into the discussion of all that junk, I'm going to finish posting the story.  Then I'll have more information if anyone wants it.  

I'm sorry if I made you sad btw!!  Pudding cried when we write that chapter.

[Sophie ♥]

I looked over the letter six or seven times, re-reading each word to see if there was something I missed. An umlaut, or some hidden subtext that would make it all make sense. But there was nothing else written in the words. Nothing else but the smoothly curled letters in purple ink. I didn't get it. I looked up at Claire and I'm sure my expression conveyed all the confusion I felt, but I managed a few words to add to it. "I don't… I… I don't get it… what's this mean? Where is she… where's Anna? Is she in her room? I've never met Juliet. I don't know who she is…"

"Anna… had an illness," Claire began solemnly. "She had a dissociative break when she was ten.  Chloe and I didn't know, then… not until she started hurting herself.  When she went into the hospital and said she didn't do it - Juliet did.  They gave her pills to keep Juliet out of her head.  So Anna could be Anna.  But Anna loved her.  We didn't know Anna was off her pills until this letter…" Claire did her very best not to cry during this recounting, but tears were streaming down her cheeks nonetheless. "She… passed away this morning… Chloe found her… I was at work…"

"What?! NO!" I stood up as quick as I could and the chair flung out from beneath me; I was halfway up the stairs before it even hit the ground. I burst into her room and tore open the curtains, expecting to see her there, expecting to see her infectious coy little smile and for her to laugh and talk about how I should've seen the look on my face.

But she wasn't there. Nobody was. Just a sad sense of emptiness in the bedroom where we'd flown together. I sat on the edge of the bed and shook my head. This wasn't happening… it couldn't be happening. I remembered the last words I'd said to her. Tomorrow's Anna will need something to treasure. I curled up on her bed and I cried. I'd never felt this way before. Never so empty...

Claire came in a moment later, sitting on the bed and holding the boy to her chest.  She felt sick to her stomach just being in that room, but Star had no one.  She had to keep him safe.  It's what I would've wanted - she knew that.  She played with his hair and cooed and shh’d and did everything a good parent should in a bad time… "She loved you, Star… she was only a part of my Anna, but a part nonetheless… and she loved you…"

I couldn't manage words. Not then. Not with her Mom. I was the reason that Anna had died. It was my fault. If she'd never met me… more tears rolled down my cheeks and I buried my face in Claire's chest, shaking my head. I'd told her about the fleeting impact people had in one another's lives. I'd told her that she had to hold onto the memories of the past and use them to look forward. And my words of encouragement, the words I'd been warned not to give… they'd led to this ruin.

"Sic transit gloria mundi. All glory in the world shall fade. Her's faded too soon…"

I felt so sick, but too empty to throw up. What had been Anna and what had been Juliet? I thought about the day we met. About how we kissed. About how well things had flowed between us. About the way she looked at me when we were flying. That was Juliet. That was the girl who loved me. When we flew together. When we kissed. "We used to fly…" It was all I could manage to say to this woman. She had the letter in her hand and I read it over and over as I trembled and eventually got too weak to keep my eyes open. She was gone. She promised we'd meet again some day. But it was a promise she couldn't keep.

Claire let Star rest that night in my bed, making sure to call his home and notify his parents where he was.  The next day Claire woke him up again for school.  Still, Chloe was nowhere to be seen. "I know it might seem hard, Star.  It's hard for all of us.  But you should go to school.  Her friends will need you.  And you'll be surprised how much you'll need them." She kissed the boy's forehead and gave him the note.  The last piece of my life left in the world. "You can come back any time.  We encourage it."

I found it so hard to face Anna's friends, especially Linds and Cho. They'd warned me. They'd warned me to leave well enough alone. I got there the next day and I found them. I had to tell them, so I did. Anna took her life. They knew the truth. But nobody knew what it was like for her. To never be able to dream of a real future. For one of them to live, the other had to die. And that was a choice they couldn't make. I wanted to say more, I wanted to say something that meant something. But how do you gather your thoughts when everything is so empty.  I couldn’t stay and watch them cry…

///

The next few days were terrible.  My lunch table was silent almost every minute.  No one could bear to say anything.  And one afternoon Cho came up to Star and tugged on his shirt.  They hadn't spoken since Star told him what happened. Cho's fingers were trembling though and his eyes were watery. "Hang out with me today, okay…?"

I expected for him to tell me that it was my fault, that I shouldn't have been making out with Anna… that I should've known better. But he looked at me with his watery eyes and asked me to hang out with him. I waited for the accusations to come, for him to tell me how much he hated me for what I'd done, but nothing of the sort came from his lips, even once we'd left the school.

We sat together under a tree across the street from Anna's house and my hand found his in the grass. "Was it my fault, Cho?" I thought about how giddy Anna had been when I'd accepted a date with Cho, and I wondered if that was only because it meant she got to have Juliet, or if she really thought I was gay.

"I don't think so… I think it was a bad situation…" News got around fast.  It was only the day after my suicide that the entire school knew, and it was only a day after that most of the contents of Star's note were passed among the table despite his objections to showing anyone the note itself.  Still, everyone knew Juliet loved him. "I've… I've been… thinking about it… about death… and that stuff… since Anna… since Juliet… I never helped.  We hid.  We always hid things.  But if we would've helped Juliet, too, instead of being so vicious… maybe they'd still be here…" It took a moment for Cho to get to the point though. "I've been thinking… why… do I get to live if… they don't.  Maybe it'd be easier to… just…"

I didn't know much about what happened in that moment, maybe we both needed comfort and all we had was each other, but I pressed my lips to Cho's and held them there entirely too long. "Anna and Juliet were a candle burning at both ends. For one of them to be happy, it meant sacrificing the other. It was such a heavy price to pay, Cho. Your story hasn't been told yet. Maybe it'll be told tomorrow. Or maybe it'll take fifty more years before it comes to a close. But you get the opportunity to be happy. We both do. And if we waste that, then we might as well go to her grave and spit on it now, because we're disrespecting her so damn much by not using the opportunity she was never given."

The Korean boy couldn't stop crying, cuddling up close to Star's chest. "I just… miss her… and this is hard… so many things… we could've done… but we were… so… oblivious… there was only you… you were the only one that cared… the only one that tried… and I hate myself for not trying, Star… I hate myself so much…" Cho was trembling in Star's arms, sobbing into his shirt.

My hands ran through the boy’s hair and I pulled him into my chest, holding him as close as I could manage without smothering him. "Don't hate yourself, Cho. She wouldn't want that. You and Linds, you were her best friends.  She'd be so pissed if she knew that you were beating yourself up, you know she would. She'd probably throw green M&M's at you…" It was probably too early for humor, but I pictured her doing just that and couldn't help the faintest little smile. I pulled him up in my arms and put my hand on his cheek. "I'll keep you safe. I'll be strong for both of us. And we'll remind each other how much she'll always mean."

"Her funeral is tomorrow, Star… that's why I'm thinking like this…" Cho finally confessed. "Because I don't know how to face her… but if I don't go… I couldn't bear it… and that's the only way out is to follow her lead… but I don't want that either… I just don't know how to make it right, Star… none of us do… we failed her… we don't deserve to be called her friends…"

"She told me in her letter that she'll see me again some day. And that means she believes she's going somewhere after this. Somewhere Anna and Juliet can be two separate people, the way that they should have been. I guess what I'm saying is, she'll probably be pretty upset if everyone starts showing up straight away, because she'll feel like it's her fault everyone died. But you know what? I bet she's watching. I bet they both are." I hadn't believed much in an afterlife until I'd read her letter, I hadn't believed in a great beyond, a world past here. But maybe it was real. Maybe it was a party and Anna and Juliet were laying out the tables now and just waiting for the day we all arrived. There'd be TV's on the walls with pictures of us all that she'd watch. I looked at Cho and I kissed his lips again. "Stay. For me?"

He nodded softly and cuddled back into Star's chest. "What do I do about tomorrow… I'm afraid to see her… do you even know… uh… how she did it?" Cho's voice was still ringing with worry and fear, the same emotion it was ringing with when he asked Star to sit with him.  He was glad he did, too.  Because if Star had said no, Cho might not be alive right now…

"You're staying with me tonight," I'd ignored the question about methodology; Claire and Chloe had told me that she'd taken pills, that it was just like her not to want to be a hassle even after death. But it was a macabre topic and one I didn't much like to talk about.

"I don't want to lose you, Cho. And if I have to stay with you every moment of every day, if I have to shower with you and go to the bathroom with you and dress you just so I know you'll be okay, I will." My tone was dead serious, too.

"You were an amazing friend to Anna. Linds was, too. What you have to understand is that she wanted to be the same as everyone else. By treating her the same, you gave her what she wanted. I came in to her life and messed everything up. I'm the one who dug. I'm the one who led to her making the choice she did.” He looked up into my eyes, his own little orbs almost black behind the glistening sheen of tears. "She lived an incredible life in sixteen years, better than most people do in a hundred. And it was because of friends like you. Friends she could rely on to make her feel the same."

"I think you saved her, Star…" Cho's head was rested peacefully on Star's chest.  His breathing was starting to even out and the tears were subsiding. "You gave Juliet something to love… and you gave Anna a real friend… one that would be there when we refused… maybe it ended badly… but I don't think she wasn't happy… she was just scared… like I'm scared now…"

"I wanna take you out on a date. Next week. Friday." It seemed so out there for me to be asking that, especially so close to our loss of Anna. But if I could give him a reason to make another week, I would.  And who knows - maybe I could give it an honest try.  Maybe we’d fall in love and everything would be okay again.  Maybe…

Cho kissed his lips and settled back into his lap. “Maybe as friends,” Cho said, and the two of them watched the sun go down together.

[Baby Billy]

So sad, brought tears to my eyes.  I can see Pudding crying as you typed that end.

[mahleedl]

Wow was this one emotional.  I feel SO bad for Star    I need a walk in the sun, but this was SUCH a good story. 

 

“Live today because tomorrow isn’t promised.”

[Wannatripbaby]

*Sniffle* I'm not crying, YOU'RE crying! ?

In all seriousness... wow. That was a heavy ending. But... satisfying. Pulling off an ending like this can be a difficult task. But I think you did it... gods dammit I need a drink.

*Takes a big ol' swig of water since I can't drink booze*

... what? ?