Audrey & Staycee - A Calibeen Story

[YourFNF]

@Sophie ♥

 

pg. 300

Yeah I'd be pretty tempted to just check out and go full purple haze. Honestly it's not even the torture but the personal knowledge that something like this is allowed to exist, I think that would probably send me over into complete full on misanthropic nihilist territory and the proscpet of an OD would be pretty appealing. I'd probably give one last defiant speech to make it clear that like Socrates I'm taking this shit as my own decision.

 

Actually that's an interesting question what do they do with the people who break and just stop giving a shit?

I feel like the end result of this would just be me sprawled on the floor, flying at 70,000 ft., singing "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" or something to that effect. Not sure how they'd handle that. But I figure if they just decided to shoot me I get what I want and I win, or I get taken out of the facility and I also win. Classic Xantos gambit.

 

Let go of attachment and you let go of suffering

 

How would Caliban handle a Zen Nihilist?

 

It seems like the best course of action in this place is to simply do nothing. I think I just figured out how to checkmate Caliban.

[Sophie ♥]

Honestly, the second you stop fighting, you pretty much are a slave to their reconditioning.  "Giving up" in this case is no different to "giving in" because they'll just rewrite your interests, fascinations, beliefs, and goals.  They will make those new goals obtainable and in the interest of the facility.  And you'd just be another pawn on the board.  Honestly, I'd say 50% of men who get brought to Mt. Calibeen have that EXACT response.  And those are the girls you see in Phase Three who are really adamant about forming clubs and doing their best to be good little girls.  

[YourFNF]

 

Honestly, the second you stop fighting, you pretty much are a slave to their reconditioning.  "Giving up" in this case is no different to "giving in" because they'll just rewrite your interests, fascinations, beliefs, and goals.  They will make those new goals obtainable and in the interest of the facility.  And you'd just be another pawn on the board.  Honestly, I'd say 50% of men who get brought to Mt. Calibeen have that EXACT response.  And those are the girls you see in Phase Three who are really adamant about forming clubs and doing their best to be good little girls.  

So talking complete personality rewrite? If we consider me to be the sum total of my thoughts, experiences, and decisions then by erasing that I am for all practical intents and purposes "dead" and beyond their control or ability to harm. I win in that case as well. I enter the void at peace and free of suffering.

 

>>>

So we are basically having a conversation about the nature of  existence, person hood, and suffering on a fetish board

What the fuck?

This is why I love the internet

[Sophie ♥]

 

So we are basically having a conversation about the nature of  existence, person hood, and suffering on a fetish board

What the fuck?

This is why I love the internet

Well, if there's any story to have this conversation on, it's this one!  

[Sophie ♥]

PART VII: Painting Roses

Velvet made good on her promise, as far as Staycee and I knew.  She'd stay up every night for the next ten days after we'd gone to sleep, and would get up before us every morning to go look for more jobs.  Staycee and I would test the words with little things, like asking to get each other a glass of water or for one of us to change into their pajamas, but we didn't notice any improvement.  Some days we'd go to the park a few blocks down from the motel just to get out of the house - Velvet was still very strongly against us going too far, though, and she wouldn't let us apply for jobs until she found one herself.  She seemed very stressed, too: always on edge, and always so tired looking.  Some nights I'd wake up and she wouldn't be in bed with us, but every morning she still woke us up.  It was a Saturday when Velvet came home in mid-afternoon with a loaf of bread in one hand and a miserable expression. "Dinner." Just bread?

I'd wondered when this day would come, when the money would dry up. I took the bread with an appreciative smile and kissed Velvet's cheek. "I'll make toast." We didn't have a kitchen in the hotel, but we'd borrowed a toaster from the owner and had a little pot of peanut butter setup in the bathroom. The bathroom seemed an odd place to keep food, but we figured it was better not to have food in the bedroom area for fear of roaches. I stepped into the bathroom and flashed Audrey a concerned look, before getting to work on toast. By the time I was done, they were both laying on the bed and I wandered over with six pieces of toast stacked on a plate. "Dinner!" But neither of them shared my optimism. We were broke.

Velvet didn't eat, and that left three pieces of toast for me and three for Staycee.  We both hesitated on our last, but Velvet didn't even look up at us.  She was already lying in bed in her usual pose, on her side, hands under her pillow; she looked a million miles away, but there were more pressing concerns.  Were we really out of money?  If we were, how long would we be staying here?  How long until we lived out of Roger's car?  How long could we go without food?

"Velvet…" I let my hand rest on the girl’s hip and smiled, looking down at my lap as I tried to gather my words to some semblance of order. "The owner… he said that I could clean rooms here. It wouldn't be for very much money, but he offered…" She'd been so against us working - maybe she was afraid, maybe she just felt we were inept - but here at the hotel? That couldn't be so bad. "You’ve been so busy trying to take care of us, maybe you should have a little break. Okay?" I didn't have much in the way of a pep talk beyond that, but it was something.

Velvet only nodded, but I could see how sad she was.  Staycee cleaned rooms for three hours each day - there were so few customers that it wasn't a reliable form of income.  The manager let us stay at reduced rent, but we'd been going on toast and water for almost a week.  Staycee tried to be creative with our options, but bread was bread.  Velvet, on the other hand, had taken to a silent lifestyle.  She'd still talk, but only when prompted.  I still heard her in my dreams, though, and she continued her sessions with us.  But it had been over three weeks since we left the facility, and I could tell Velvet was falling apart.

"Velvet, I want to help; please talk to me?" I knew it would be hard for her; she was a survivor, and she also knew enough about the way people thought to not want to let anyone help her.  But still, as we sat out on the stairs outside our room - Audrey fast asleep inside - and I looked up at her with wide-eyes, maybe she’d let me in. "We're doing this to you, aren't we? We can't take care of ourselves, and the fact we're criminals means we can't even get real jobs. We're breaking you…"

She shook her head, looking at her feet, fiddling with her fingers. "It's not like that… you're probably supporting me more than I'm supporting you." Her words were so lackluster, so pained.  She didn't look up while she spoke. "It's so hard, you know, getting a real job.  No identification, no proof of name, not even a proper outfit to wear.  And I have to stay under the radar, because we ran…" She looked up then, though, and gave Staycee the best smile she could manage. "Tomorrow we'll go out to eat.  I'll figure something out.  I promise."

"It's my fault we ran, you know." It was something I'd come to accept as truth these past weeks, and I continued before she could interrupt. "You could've left any time you wanted, before what happened with Audrey, and that only happened because I asked her to find out what I'd done. And she… she was free to go anyway. You two are both on the run now, and it's my fault." The guilt was a finely kept balance with my love and sense of duty to Audrey; without her the guilt would've won a long time ago.

Velvet kissed Staycee's forehead and played with her hair. "Everyone is responsible for themselves.  Now how about you pick a place to eat - I'll get you the yellow pages." She got up before Staycee could say another word and walked off toward the offices. The rest of the evening was quiet - I slept most of it, having the exhaustion from only a loaf of bread every two days consuming me, and Staycee fiddled with the phonebook.  The next day, Velvet was gone by the time Staycee and I woke up.  She'd be back, though, and Staycee talked about going out to eat. "Where are we gonna go?"

"This place." I pointed to the listing in the phone book for the Italian restaurant. "I don't have a lot of memories, you know, and it's for the best. But I have one good one from when I was… um… I was eight. It was my birthday, and we went out for Italian, and Mom and Dad were still together…" The fact they'd divorced shortly after only just reappeared in my head and I bit my lip, remembering. "I only wanted mac and cheese, and it was such an expensive, fancy place. Dad yelled at me, told me to step outside my comfort zone and eat something new, and Mom got in a fight with him. But in the end I got my way, and everybody tried my mac and cheese. And it was so amazing: it had a lovely crust on top, and green onions and it was sticky and wonderful." I was rambling, though, and terribly so. "So Italian. Is that okay?"

"Sounds great." I smiled at Staycee and took the phone book from her.  We still couldn't read half the words, but the restaurant names were simple enough.  I leafed through the yellow pages, reading words I'd only just learned how to read, and thought quietly to myself.  Finally, I spoke up, though my voice was barely louder than the silence… "How are we gonna go out to eat if we don't have money?"

"I don't know… Velvet said she'd figure it out, but I don't know what she's got planned." It was difficult to keep up a chipper tone of optimism, but with Velvet so torn and worn down and my pretty little Audrey so subject to contagious stress, I had little option but to maintain the balance of things. "What do you like to eat?" It was something fascinating to me, talking about tastes and desires when we'd been so restricted from such things in the facility. Getting to know something as mundane as what she ordered at an Italian place just meant so much, now.

"I'm gonna get chicken alfredo," I said happily.  Was Staycee going to get mac and cheese again?  I supposed she wouldn't know much else about pasta past the age of ten.  Still, the way she described her macaroni, even I was keen to try it!  It had been so long since I'd had mac and cheese.  Staycee and I discussed foods for most of the afternoon, and it wasn't until four that Velvet showed up at the door. "Come on girls; I hope you're hungry."

I'd gotten us both dressed - we only had the basic options of clothes we'd brought with us from Roger's, but we'd each amassed a few favorites - predictably in colors that suited our ingrained tastes. Always dresses, though; neither of is liked the idea of pants very much. Audrey was in a pretty blue dress that came in at the waist to give her the illusion of a figure, and I was in a rather more juvenile yellow sun-dress. We had matching ribbons in our hairs - matching to one another’s outfits, that was - and when Velvet came in the door we were sitting on the bed, giggling and holding hands.  We were diapered, of course, but since last week it wasn't something that was automatically torturous anymore. We'd grow out of it when our bodies were ready; and I was already a fair way into it.

The drive through town was wonderful - it had been much further than Staycee and I had gone.  It wasn't a big town, but maybe that was intentional.  Velvet still didn't say much, but at least she had a bit of a smile.  She pulled into the half-filled parking lot of the Italian place, still mostly empty between the afternoon and evening rushes.  Velvet held the door for us and a waitress seated us in a booth against the window.  A waitress!  It was like being in a movie.

I could barely read the menu, but I'd made sure to study the words I needed and as I poured over the words with bright eyes I smiled. "I want this: macaroni pasta bake." I pointed as I smiled and looked from Audrey to Velvet. Here, in this lovely warm place, it was easy to pretend things were normal.

There was something innately surreal about the scene - dinner out with a girl who I considered mostly my age and another girl I could almost call my Mom.  It was like a whole new family, though our dad had to work late.  I thought back to my family - about how we'd go out for my birthday, or my sister's.  We'd sit around the table like this and make jokes, though Velvet seemed to really channel my own mother sitting there quietly.  Even when we ordered, she only said "same" after me.  She didn't even pick up her menu.

I still didn't know where the money had come from, or even how much a place like this would cost. Currency was something I'd really been trying to work on, but it was an uphill struggle. But none of that mattered right now. I reached across the table and took Velvet’s hand with a smile. "Thank you for everything. We'd be so lost without you, Velvet."

Dinner was amazing!  Maybe it was just because I'd had nothing but McDonald’s, bread, and milk for the past two years of my life, but it was fantastic.  Staycee shared her mac and cheese with me, too, and it really was as great as she said it was!  By the end of the meal, despite our shrunken stomachs, we finished every single bite.  Velvet paid with money out of her pocket and took us outside and into the car. "I'm sorry about everything, girls.  But I promise, you'll never be hungry again."

She really cared about us; she was the mother we both needed so badly. I wrapped my arms around her as I leaned in close and smiled. "You dun' gotta be sorry, Velvet. You take such amazing care of us and help us learn how to be normal people again."

Velvet kissed Staycee's forehead and put on the best smile she could.  It was a wonderful day, a wonderful evening, and a wonderful meal.  Everyone slept great that night, and even though Velvet wasn't in bed the next morning, I imagined she slept great too.

"Where do you think she is; looking for work again?" I was changing Audrey's diaper: the meal had meant she'd messed in her sleep, though a little compliment meant sure she didn't freak out.

"I dunno… she probably has a job.  I mean - she got paid, right?" But that struck a question in my head that I hadn't thought of before.  Staycee finished changing me into a fresh diaper and I sat up on the bed.  She was still overwhelmed by the smell, and I was still a little aroused at the notion of her pinning me to the wall, but Staycee didn't let things like that happen anymore.  Part of me was thankful, but a bigger part of me pouted. "Staycee, how did Velvet get paid on her first day?  And wasn't it Saturday?"

I turned my head to the side and pursed my lips. I didn't know much about work; the owner paid me at the end of each day and I thought that's how it worked. "Is that unusual?" I felt a pang of poutiness and frowned, wondering if I ever worked as Callum.

I nodded my head and flattened my nightgown.  With my messy diaper rolled up, the smell in the air quickly vanished, and with it my libido. "Yeah.  I mean usually, if you work somewhere legally.  They keep a week's pay and then pay you every week or two weeks or something.  That's how it was at Subway, and at JC Penney where Catherine worked…" I bit my lip and fiddled with my fingers. "You don't think she's doing something bad, do you?"

"Bad?" I didn't really understand what could be happening; I just lacked the life experience to entertain the notion. "Like robbing a bank?" I smiled a little and bit my lip. "I used to like veggie subs. I... don't think I liked meat as a kid..." It was another memory of only just reconnected with and I frowned. I remember liking McDonald's though. Audrey was still pouting and I took her hand. "What could she be up to?"

I bit my lip and shook my head. "It's nothing, probably nothing.  I'm overthinking.  We'll just ask her when she gets home and that'll solve everything." I smiled and took Staycee by the hand, pulling her on top of me, my back hitting the mattress. "But until then, you're in big trouble for changing me!  Gonna have to punish you." I could help but giggle.

My eyes went wide and I blushed a little. "Oh, but messy girls gotta be changed, or they get tied up and rubbed in their stinky crinkly diapers for hours and hours until they make a quivery mess. I saved you from that most unpleasant fate! And you wanna punish me?" I couldn't help the smile; I was still worried about Velvet, but my attention was distracted away from it well and truly. "I should be rewarded, I think!"

She didn't use a single trigger word - not that I knew of - and still, I was a mess after that.  The rest of the day was very exciting - it was the first time since the incident two weeks before that we'd done anything remotely sexual, and with the way Staycee spoke and with my eagerness to please, it turned into a very wonderful day.  Staycee even let me be in charge for a while, enough so that when Velvet came home she was tied to the bed with one of Velvet's pajama tops.  I felt my cheeks burn up. "Sorry…" I quickly untied her.

In the past two years, I'd been punished, humiliated, trained to suck my thumb, mess my pants, get aroused by it, stripped of my ability to read, write and even talk for the longest time, and yet, in that moment when Velvet walked in on us, my hands tied to the headboard and only the benefit of a diaper hiding my arousal, I think that was when I'd been most embarrassed. I sucked my thumb and smiled coyly as soon as I was able, looking up at Velvet. "Hi..." I then buried my face in Audrey's back and giggled.

Velvet passed both of us a kind smile and rolled her eyes, putting down three plastic bags she had walked in with on entertainment stand with the television. "You girls really are growing up, aren't you?" She started unpacking the belongings: new diapers in the same brand, juiceboxes that didn't need to be refrigerated, poptarts, chips, a packet of cookies, and a lot of clothes, though they looked to be for Velvet based on the very revealing underwear.  I bit my lip, imagining Staycee in them, but was pulled out of my daydream just as Velvet spoke. "Don't eat all the snacks - I mean it.  It's unhealthy.  Pace yourselves."

"Uh huh…" It was going to be one of us that asked and I did better with confrontation than Audrey did; even though I didn't think there was anything to be concerned about - or rather I didn't understand - I asked anyway. "Velvet… where do you work? Audrey said that jobs usually take a week to pay and we were just curious." The look she gave me made me bite my lip and I looked down. "Dun' mean be ungweateful… jus' cuwious.."

I watched from the corner of my eye as Velvet fiddled with her fingers and put on a smile. "No, no.  Audrey's right.  I had to ask for an advance on my first day… it was a lot to ask for, really.  But I guess I showed promise." Velvet smiled warmly and went back to unpacking the groceries, putting her clothes in one of the drawers and the food in the bathroom.  Technically, though, she never answered Staycee's question, but her logic made sense. "Nothing to worry about after all," I said in Staycee's ear.

Something wasn't right. It just wasn't. I didn't know what it was, didn't know exactly why, but I'd spent a long time in the facility noticing things and I'd learned to trust my instincts. So I got up off the bed and followed Velvet into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. "You avoided my question, Velvet. Where're you working?" She was so worn down, so tired, exhausted and on the verge of crying at any given time - though she never did - I was beginning to wonder if she actually might have robbed a bank.

Velvet looked at Staycee through the mirror, at that determined look that protected Audrey so wonderfully.  Velvet sighed and turned toward her friend, a smile on her face. "You let me worry about that, sweetie.  You have your own job to worry about, and a wonderful girlfriend." Her tone was licorice sweet - so overplayed.  But with her exhaustion, it was hard to gauge things so trivial.

My head shook and I bit kept my determination up, my hand slipping into hers and squeezing it reassuringly the way I might've done with Audrey. "Please trust me, Velvet? I took care of you in the facility, got you out of Zero. What've you got into?" With how much she did for me, it seemed odd to ever think that I'd taken care of her, but I'd single handedly pulled her out of that place and saved her from a year or more of living Hell.

Velvet winced at the touch, Staycee's hand in hers, and withdrew it.  She couldn't put on a smile, though. "Staycee… just drop it, okay?  I'm getting us money, aren't I?  You won't go hungry, and neither will Audrey.  I'm taking care of you like I promised." Velvet wished she hadn't kicked off her heels, since she stood eight inches below Staycee while she talked. "Just forget it, alright?"

"Are you doing something bad…?" I bit my lip and thought about the only bad things I could rationalize; Audrey told me I used to sell drugs to people and that was a pretty dreadful thing. She couldn't be, though, could she? I winced and shook my head. She wouldn't do that. She was a good person - she was our Velvet! - so I bit my lip. "You're like a mom to us, now. We look up to you, you're our role model… please keep in mind that we're going to follow in your footsteps. You're our only example. Are you doing something you wouldn't want us doing?"

That hit Velvet hard.  She was their role model; they wanted to be like her. Velvet shook her head and pushed past Staycee, back into the room where I was waiting.  I looked questionably at my girlfriend as Velvet walked out the door, closing it behind her. "What was that…?  Is she alright?"

"I think you were right; I think she's in trouble…" I sat down on the edge of the bed, sucking my thumb softly and trying to figure out what to do. What had she been doing that would be so terrible she'd avoided telling me? She seemed to be so upset at me, and all I was trying to do was help. "What could she be doing that she'd be ashamed of, so much she wouldn't tell us? I don't know this stuff, Audrey. I don't know what bad things are because I'm just a kid in a grown up body…"

I understood Staycee’s dilemma completely: she hadn't known the real world as an adult the way Velvet and I had.  To her, it was still such a bright place full of parks and snowy Christmases.  I bit my lip and looked at my feet. "I don't know.  I don't know what Velvet would have the means to… you said robbing a bank, right?  But she doesn't have the skills for that, or the connections…"

"I could totes rob a bank." I smiled a little bit sheepishly and looked up at Audrey. "I mean, s'long as they thought I was a ghost and gave me access to a medicine cabinet." The humor didn't help my mood very much, though, and I looked down at my hands again. "She brought some really adult undies home with her. I don't know much, and especially don't know her very well, but it seems an odd thing to buy when we're so worried about money. Then again she bought us diapers, so maybe she just wanted to treat herself."

I bit my lip hard, looking toward the drawer where Velvet had put the clothes away.  I shouldn't snoop, though; it wouldn't be right.  But Staycee wasn't wrong - Velvet had bought some underwear that were very… "Maybe she's just tired of being in diapers all the time.  You know?  I mean, maybe she just wanted to feel attractive for once.  We're all over each other, and she's probably lonely…" That gave me a pang in my stomach - were we doing this to her?  She must miss Roger so much.

It was as though we had the same thought at the same time, the way we cast our gazes downward and reached for one another’s hands. I wasn't sure what she was thinking, but I knew I couldn't stop thinking about the idea that Velvet was lonely. "She pulled away when I touched her hand, like she didn't like being touched. But we used to cuddle all the time. I mean, not romantically, but she was never weird about it. But now she just had this sense of sorrow and sadness in her voice when I speak to her…"

"So we still don't know what she does…" I felt sick thinking about it.  If Staycee was right… no, it was my conclusion.  Staycee just pointed something out.  I shook my head and squeezed Staycee's hand tighter. "We can't let her do something she doesn't like.  With this food, we could probably last another week.  She could find a new job between now and then."

"Or… or we could go. She could go back to Roger - they wouldn't be looking there anymore - and she could be happy and not have to do icky things. And we could go off on our own. I can basically read now, and I'm pretty bubbly. I bet I could get a job somewhere like a coffee shop. And you could get a job somewhere where you don't have to talk, like a library, or a bookstore or something. We could… we could take care of ourselves, and that way she wouldn't need to be unhappy." It scared me - it terrified me, actually - but we owed Velvet so damn much and now we were draining her.

I shook my head and kicked the carpet, my feet dangling off the side of the bed. "She won't go back - you know that.  She's as much a fugitive as you, Staycee.  Maybe more so because she knows more about the company.  She wouldn't risk hurting Roger…" We were all she had; leaving her just wasn't an option. "We should talk to her.  We could get her a new job.  Maybe all three of us could look tomorrow."

Audrey was right; she always was. She was my grounding force, really, my logic and my common sense. I kissed her cheek and smiled as best I could manage. "I'm sorry. I just… you look so scared and I don't even know what she could be doing. I wish… I just wish I was never who I was, wish I'd grown up as who I am now, as this girl, wish I was born a girl and never did those things. I wish I knew what it was like to be a teenager, so I could be worried." I wasn't usually so verbose in my worries, but just not being able to draw a conclusion at all… it was terrifying.

"We should talk to her; someone has to." I took Staycee by the hand and led her to the front door.  Velvet was in the truck, sitting in the driver's seat with the ignition off.  She just sat there, crying… I bit my lip and looked back at Staycee with such sorrow. "Maybe we shouldn't…" I'd always been told not to bother someone while they were crying: it only made them feel more ashamed.

"Nobody should cry alone…" I kissed Audrey's cheek and squeezed her hand. "I'm going to talk to her, okay?" I didn't give her a chance to respond as I wandered down the stairs and approached the pick-up, opening the door and slipping into the passenger seat. I didn't say anything; I just sat next to her and gently guided the girl’s head down to my lap. It was a maternal side of myself I didn't know I had, but as I played my fingers through her hair and waited for her to be ready to say something, all I could think about was comforting Audrey. Maybe I did always have this part of me.

It was difficult standing on the porch, but I didn't dare go back inside.  I wanted to support Velvet the best I could, even if it meant I had to watch from a distance.  Velvet slid onto Staycee's lap, but she was still crying.  She stayed like that a long time before sitting back up, wiping the back of her hand across her cheeks. "Sorry… didn't mean… to cry like that… sorry…"

"Everybody hurts and everybody cries." The words came from a song I barely remembered from my childhood and I managed a smile as my hand slipped into hers. "I'm sort of naive, Velvet; I don't know the world like you two do. I'm just a kid, really. But I know when my friend, when the only person outside of my girlfriend who I can trust, is in trouble. I know sadness, and I know guilt, and I know regret. You don't have to tell me what you've been doing if you don't wanna, it's okay. Just stop doing it, okay? We have food enough for a week. We'll all go get jobs tomorrow, together; I already have an idea for Audrey and me."

She shook her head, her hands on the steering wheel though it was locked in place.  She stared out the windshield into the dark parking lot of the mostly empty motel complex. "It pays well… and it's the only one I can find.  I don't think you get it, Staycee.  You're right about being naive.  You can't get employed like this… even secondhand work, a girl my size, my age… I've looked everywhere."

"What's stopping us? I know we can't be too flashy or showy, but there has to be places, like coffee shops or something. I thought maybe Audrey could work in a library, she could sort books to help her learn to read even better and shush people all day." There were other considerations, too, I supposed - our eyes marked us as graduates of the facility and maybe people were adverse to that, but I couldn't think of anything else that might have been an issue. I didn't understand.

"Paperwork, social security numbers, even an ID card: you have none of that. I have none of that!  You don't get it, Staycee - we don't exist!  There's nothing in the world with any record of us.  And when people hear things like this - employers - they think you're running from something.  And we are.  It's not safe.  And I want you two to be safe…"

"And what about you, Velvet?! Why shouldn't you get to be safe? You loved your job… you believed in it, and only because of us it got all messed up for you. Shouldn't you get to be safe, too?" My tone had become very determined, but also very motherly and I squeezed her hand again: a very empathetic gesture that usually only got shared with Audrey. "You've done so much for us already. Let me keep you safe for once. Please? For me? For Audrey? Without you we'd be so lost, Velvet. If you burn out or break down, we'll have nobody. So let me take care of you for a while…?"

She shook her head violently, again pulling her hand away. "Staycee! Fuck!" She was frustrated, but it wasn't completely her fault.  She was exhausted, and today hadn't been a wonderful day.  She hit the steering wheel of the car, causing her to bounce back in her chair. "I am fine, okay?!  I am!  I hated that place - it just took you two to show me how much.  I'm glad I'm gone, even if it means I'm doing something I don't like.  It's worth it!"

"What don't you like? What are you doing?" I looked at my hands and winced. "The only bad thing I can think of in adult terms is what I was doing… selling drugs to people. But you're not doing that, are you? Selling things like that?" I looked out the window across at the hotel room, Audrey standing by the door watching and playing with her fingers; even from here I could tell her diaper was wet. She was so cute. "Nothing is worth you being hurt, nothing is worth you suffering, Velvet. I'd rather go hungry than eat knowing you're doing something you hate…"

"It's not bad…" It wasn't, not really.  It didn't hurt anyone. "Please, just… forget it, okay?  I'm sorry if I'm worrying you - I don't mean to.  I wasn't any happier before my job, Staycee.  And at least now we have food and shelter and I'm being productive.  We could save money this way, maybe find a place to create ID cards for us.  I don't know; I'll leave when I can, but right now I can't."

"What if it was me doing whatever you're doing? What if it was me, or Audrey, or both of us? If we were doing that so you could be safe, how would it make you feel? Would you smile and pretend it wasn't terrible, or would you sit with me in the car and hold my hand and ask me to confide in you, so we could find another solution?" I wished I could at least guess, at least try and offer an answer. But I couldn't; nothing came to my mind and it was so frustrating. What was she doing?!

Tears started down Velvet's cheeks again and she hugged the steering wheel, resting her chin on the top. "Please… I… I just need to… keep you both safe… just for now, just until I can find another way.  It's not bad, Staycee, I swear.  I'm not hurting anyone, I'm not.  I just wanna help… and I've been having such trouble.  Please understand…"

My hand found hers and I gently eased the girl's head back into my lap, this time her eyes looked up into mine as I played fingers through her hair and gently started to sing. I wasn't sure what the song was - just something from my childhood that my Mom used to sing to me - but by the time I'd finished it seemed to have calmed her down at least a little bit and I looked back out the window for a time before directing my attention back to her. "Are you being hurt, Velvet? Is this something you'll regret, something you wouldn't want your two little girls to know of, wouldn't want us to follow in your footsteps? Are you ashamed…? You've taken such good care of us, above and beyond what anybody in either of our lives has ever wanted to. Isn't that enough? Please don't be hurt for us..."

"Iss not so bad…" She was exhausted, completely drained, physically and emotionally.  Her words were slurred, almost like she was drunk, having trouble keeping consciousness, and at the same time, couldn't sleep to save her life. "Good money… no ID.  Iss not so bad, Stace…" But she wasn't proud.  She could never imagine Audrey or Staycee doing it…

She was fading and I knew she was, the stress was just too much and I didn't know what to say to make her trust me, to have her confide in me. I wanted to release her from her anguish, to show her she didn't have to do this alone. I couldn't, though. There was no magic fix, no single cure to the problem. All I could offer was one final solution. "Then I'm coming with you, tomorrow. I'm going to do what you're doing. And it's not optional."

Velvet shot up quickly in her seat, looking at Staycee with absolute confidence.  Exhaustion was still painted on her features, but she kept conscious. "You are doing no such thing." It wasn't shock she was expressing, though… it was certainty.  The way Cass had certainty. "You're staying at home and taking care of Audrey and I'm going to work.  That's the way this works.  Got it?"

"I'm bigger than you, Velvet. You know I could just tie you to the bed. You really shouldn't try bossing me around." I meant it as a joke and followed it up with a smile but Velvet didn't see the humor in it, so I took a more serious tone. "If its okay for you to do it, it's okay for me to do it. We have no ID, so that means it's nothing technical. It’s probably something really simple, something anybody can do, so I can do it, too. That way we make double the money and we can leave here, sooner."

Velvet shook her head, but she couldn't think of a retort.  Staycee wasn't wrong; with the way both of them were, anything one could do the other could too.  And Audrey.  Still, that didn't mean she was giving up. "No." It was all she had.  No argument, no anything.  But her word was final and she didn't need a reason. "No."

"I'll just follow you tomorrow, then." I wasn't going to play this game; if she was going to suffer for us then I was going to suffer, too. Audrey would worry, but she'd also know that if I went with Velvet, she'd quit after one day; then we could find jobs that weren't harmful. It was really the only answer to the problem. "I'll even wear some of your grown up panties and just skip breakfast, so nobody even knows I'm in diapers and there'll be no excuses. I'm going. Got it, Miss Velvet?"

Velvet climbed out of the car, fuming.  She slammed the door and stomped off toward the porch.  I bit my lip and tried to come up with something to say, but she walked right past me and into the motel.  Staycee came bounding after, but I was in the door first. "Velvet…" She was so angry.  I'd never seen Velvet angry… "Leave me alone." She crawled into bed, closest to the wall, and faced away from me.  I looked back at Staycee just as she came in. "What happened…?"

"I'm going to work with her tomorrow." I sat on the edge of the bed and looked up at Audrey, smiling a little to myself. She'd quit tomorrow and then she'd start a job that didn't hurt her and then she'd be happy again. We all would be. "She won't tell me what she does, still, but if it's good enough for her then it's good enough for me." I needed Audrey's support on this and I gave her a look I hoped she understood, a sort of 'please go along with this' plea combined with a dash of 'I hope I know what I'm doing...'

I guess Velvet was waiting for me to say no, because when I said "Alright" all Hell broke loose.  Velvet climbed out of bed in a rage and smashed the bedside lamp hard against the carpeted floor.  The echo rang through the whole room, but it was nothing to her shouting. "What the fuck is wrong with you two?!  I'm trying to do something good - why are you ruining it?!  Why can't you just let me do whatever the fuck I want!  I take care of you, don't I?!  I haven't let you down - not once!" I was speechless, taking two steps back in mild fear.  I'd never seen her act this way…

I didn't know what to do; I'd not been yelled at since Cass, and the words stung hard enough to bring back those memories. Being smacked in the dining room. Beaten in the bedroom. Tied up and made to watch her violate my little Audrey. By the time the flashes stopped I was sobbing and had dropped to my knees on the floor… I didn't even remember standing up. But I cried and I put my hands on either side of my face, trying to block out the memories. I'd escaped from Hell, left it all behind and never looked back and still, in this moment, in this room with the two people I felt safest around… I was so scared.

Velvet broke down.  She just… broke.  I watched it happen.  Just as Staycee fell to the floor, Velvet slid down the wall, holding her head and sobbing quietly.  I hurried to Staycee's side and hugged her as tightly as I could. "Shh… it's okay… it's fine…" But I was crying, too.  We all were.  It was a horrible moment, and we all felt it…

"Jus… jus… jus… bwing 'nuff pain… was bad giwl.. bad giwl… now… now…" My words were barely comprehensible as Audrey cuddled me and I shook my head. "Pwease…. pwease… take care Velvet, Awd'y… she so awone… she hurt 'cause me… she hurt cause me… dun' wan' hurt… " I could barely talk through my tears and that was without even taking into account my impediment. I just knew she was suffering, knew she was suffering for us and I couldn't let it happen, but I tried to fix it and I made it worse, I made her angry, made her cry…

Velvet didn't move.  I watched her for a long time while I cradled Staycee, but she didn't say a word, and when her tears stopped, her head between her knees, she never moved.  I figured she'd just fallen asleep. "Come on - let's get you into bed.  I'm gonna wake Velvet up." It wasn't difficult getting Staycee to her feet - she'd cried herself tired.  

Audrey got me into bed - who'd have considered her being the strong one? - and then knelt down next to Velvet, running her hands through the smaller girl’s hair. I watched quietly, trying to keep my eyes open, but I each moment if vision was an exercise in agony and exhaustion. "Velvet… I sowwy… I sowwy… nu s'pose hurt you…" My words were soft and quiet, though, and if she heard me she made no indication of that fact.

I spent a lot of the night at Velvet's side, trying to get a reaction out of her.  No matter how I shook her, she didn't move, and no matter what I said, she didn't respond.  I couldn't tell if she was awake or not with her head down and her hair in the way, but I learned pretty quickly that she wanted to be alone.  I kissed her head and climbed back into bed next to Staycee, falling asleep seconds later.
 

[YourFNF]

pg. 301

Damn you don't even get shit like that with heroin, my mind is drawing a blank on how this could even work from physiological standpoint. The optogenetics explains the "hypnotism", which would be more accurately called neurohacking. But how do these drugs work? The only thing I can think of is that they some how stay attached to the same sites as MDMA but for an incredibly long duration and they would have to be absorbed sublingually to enter the blood anywhere close to how fast they do. That's what's baffling me it shouldn't be possible for the drugs to reach the site of action so quickly. The effects of the drugs could be explained by a comparatively simple cocktail of hallucinogens, diuretics, and laxatives. But that final piece I can't make sense of it. 

 

 

*****

pg. 309

 

I really want to know how the people working at this place deal with the ethical implications. Like nobody has a moment of self awareness and realizes hey maybe we are the bad guys? Like that one comedy sketch with the SS officers. I mean fuck in real life dozen's of people in Vermacht high command tried to bump off Hitler. Then again thousands went along with it. That's the real horrifying part knowing that it's entirely possible that someone could go along with this. I'd weep for humanity but I'm to exhausted and don't have sufficient fucks left to give.

 

*****

pg. 326

 

Velvet smiled and jotted down some notes as she spoke - poor initial
response to oral fixation indoctrination - and then looked a little bit
thoughtful. “My brother was nineteen when he went to prison for
something that wasn’t really his fault. He got stabbed two months
into a six month sentence and died. Violence was so bad back then,
overcrowding, disease... it was inhumane. This is better. A few short
months and even the worst of the worst are rehabilitated. No prisons,
no stabbing, and a 0% reoffender rate.” It was a deep topic that she
wouldn’t have gone into, especially not with a patient, but she felt very
strongly that this place was a good thing. “I don’t believe in the
punishment elements of here, like the memory wiping. But I do want
to help people. I want to help people like you and like Staycee and all
the others who just need someone to guide them.”

 

Well that answers my question and the logic even makes a certain twisted kind of sense. I suppose you can rationalize anything.

 

****

Now that I know more about the layout escape seems possible. Just head to the clinic pretending to have a medical issue. Take out the nurse/tech. Grab a syringe and get them up in a hold from behind. Insert into the Jugular but don't press the plunger yet. You now have a hostage. Your terms are open the gods damned doors.

 

****

 

Should have taken a hostage girls

 

*****

 

pg. 355

 

I don't have any words left there's only so many expletives you can scream before it becomes pointless. I'd punch something but I'm too exhausted.

 

****

I give five years tops before their perfect recidivism rate goes up by several orders of magnitude. There's no way you can subject someone to this level of stress without lasting damage. Honestly I suspect they're are going to be a lot of suicides and active shooter incidents because of this place.

 

@Sophie ♥

[YourFNF]

pg. 381

I just watched a character get raped. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm..... Fuck I need a hot shower and alcohol but I don't have anything to cut it with screw it I'l take it on the rocks. I feel wrong. Yeah that's going to be rattling around my headspace for a while. Shit I think my hands are shaking, just a little but it's harder to hit the keys.

 

I'm think I'm done but I need to know what happens. Jesus H. Christ

Why do I keep doing this?

 

 

Mixing espresso drink and rum. Yeah this is going to end badly and I have to but myself to blame.... fuck it.

Least it actually tastes pretty good like rumchatta but with coffee

Sorry for those reading who have to put up with me I suggest you just skip my post when they get rant'y

 

****

 

pg. 382

 

Allhighest these two are stronger then I could ever be. I would have completely snapped within a month of phase one, never mind phase zero, never mind.... that

 

In a weird way I feel like I owe it to them be there with them to the end, like if I can't help myself at least can help these two somehow. I think I'm projecting but that's not right more latching on to what feels like my own sense of powerlessness, just cranked up way the hell past 11. It's like I see myself in these girls and can't look away no matter how horrible it gets

 

I have serious issues.....

 

*****

 

Ok I'm going to keep reading if only because I feel like I owe it to Sophie and Audrey to be there till the end.

[Sophie ♥]

PART VIII: ’Til the Summer Comes Again

I whimpered softly as Velvet shook me awake.  What time was it?  But I didn't get a chance to look at the clock.  Velvet sat me up, holding my cheeks in her hands. "Audrey.  Listen to me." She'd been crying… she still was crying. "Listen - are you listening?" I nodded… what was wrong? "I'm sorry, Audrey… I'm so so sorry, but it's best.  And I promise, one day, I'll make it up to you.  I promise I will." Tears rolled down her cheeks and I looked incredulous. "Velvet, what are you…" But a second later, there was a knock on the door.

The sound of the knocking woke me up and I shot up in bed. Was it the owner? Was I late for my work? I looked at Audrey; her face confused as Velvet gently backed away from the bed and refused to look at either of us. I bit my lip and stood up. "I'll get it." My diaper was wet - an inevitability - but whoever it was wouldn't be coming in anyway, so I wandered over to the door and rubbed my eyes. "Probably the owner, maybe I need to work early today…?"

Everything Velvet said made complete sense when Staycee opened the door; there stood the same woman from the facility who had given me my color.  I thought so highly of her then.  Staycee backed away and nearly stumbled over, whereas I climbed out of bed as quickly as I could and took her hand.  This wasn't happening; this was a bad dream.

"Thank you, Velvet. You've been most helpful." The woman walked into the room and behind her followed a half dozen orderlies and a nurse. "Sedate her." I fought as much as I could - even trying to push one of the orderlies through the window as I yelled for Audrey to run - but there was really nothing fair about what happened. I was pinned to the floor and held in place, the needle sliding into my neck and everything starting to fade away into the distance. I only heard a few words before the darkness took me.

"Staycee!" I tugged at the orderlies, kicking and screaming, trying to get to my girlfriend as she slipped away from me on the floor. "What are you doing to her!  Give her back!  Let me go!  Let me go, I said!" But they didn't.  Velvet didn't look up from her feet, standing by the woman at the doorway. "Velvet… Velvet help her… please…"

"Velvet, you're free to go. Your contract has been annulled, as agreed upon." One of the orderlies opened a folder and laid it out on the table in the corner of the hotel room, setting a pen down in place. "You'll find all your documentation, as well as credentials to practice hypnotherapy, are in that file. All we require from you is a signature certifying your agreement to non-disclosure of the practices of the facility, and a waiver of your right to ever pursue legal means or testify or otherwise make motions in the negative interests of the facility. Sign on the dotted line and you'll be free. No more running. No more selling your body. A life. A future, perhaps even a husband in waiting?" She had a very sly smile on her lips, the sort of look you only got from knowing everything, from knowing you've won.

I shook my head, tears running down my cheeks.  It was a lie… a joke… Velvet had a plan.  This was all part of her plan.  She did this for… for something.  They wouldn't take Staycee.  She wouldn't let them.  But Velvet signed the page and took the lightly tinted beige folder. "Velvet… please…" But she only mouthed, "I'm sorry," and left the room, leaving me with the woman and the two orderlies holding me down while the others took Staycee out after Velvet. "No!  You assholes - give her back!  Give!  Her!  Back!"

"Now aren't you an interesting case." The Headmistress smiled as she approached the girl on the floor and knelt down, cupping her chin. "My predecessor was dismissed because of you, you know, with the loss of our poster child and the missing runaway.  But I don’t make her mistakes: anyone who runs from me, I catch.  Unfortunately, though, you are no longer legally bound to us.  As you’re of age, and you were admitted by parents, you are free to go.

"No!  No, no, no!  I'll… I'll sue you!  I'll make you regret this!  I'll tell everyone what you do to people in there - how horrible you are!  I'll make sure that place closes down and my Staycee is let out!  I'm going to make you pay for taking her, I swear to fucking God!  You're going to regret it!" Still, I couldn't move, and even my yelling was barely intimidating.  The orderlies held me in place no matter how much I flailed.

"Oh, is that so? Well, we could always just remove your memories of the facility entirely. But that would mean, of course, losing your memories of your dear precious Staycee. Or…" Another orderly stepped forward with a form on a clipboard. "You could sign the same indemnity waiver that your dear friend Velvet did, and then you'll never see us again. Of course anything you testify from this point will be invalid in court, but that’s merely for our own protection. So what will it be? Sign away your rights and move on? Or forgot this whole thing ever happened?"

Tears streamed down my cheeks and I shook my head over and over.  Couldn't… couldn't leave Staycee… couldn't forget her… "Juss… juss want my Staycee… I just wanna be with her… don't take her, please don't… I just want my Staycee…" I was blubbering like a child, now.  Hopeless.  Helpless.  But what choice did I have… they had her…

"She's our property, my dear, and therefore she's ours to do with as we please. You, however, are not ours. It's the sad unfortunate truth in life that you always lose the ones you love." The woman nodded toward the nurse, another syringe in her hand.  The young girl would fall asleep and wake up alone, with no one, without Velvet, without Staycee. “Sign the form, or you’ll wake up without memories, too.”

I looked at the carpet, tears dripping from my chin.  I couldn't be away from her - I knew I couldn't - she was everything to me.  And I couldn't be with Velvet, now, not after what she'd done. "I'll admit myself… as long… as long as you promise we'll be together.  Staycee and me…" They could keep us there forever, but that would be a forever with Staycee.  But my revelation crashed down at the Headmistress’s words.

The Headmistress looked at the girl with a sharp smile and shook her head, much to the girl’s disappointment. “Oh no, my dear.  You are too much of a risk.  Two attempted escapes, the corrupting of my best student, and the loss of my best technician.  I have given you everything, and I have given you Staycee.  She had only liked you at first because of us, and she was beside you in the hospital only because of my kindness.  And you’ve given me nothing in return.”

The tears poured down my cheeks as the clip board was again pushed into my face, as if I could sign at all with my hands restrained.  This couldn’t be it: I couldn’t lose my Staycee.  I was their poster child, wasn’t I?  Wasn’t I special?  And that gave me an idea. "You said… she failed, the other woman.  Think how it would look if you fixed her mistakes.  Just write into my contract that Staycee and I will stay together, and you can have your victory.  I'll go through the facility like a good girl, and you'll be the one who fixed me, the one who fixed the poster girl."

The woman stopped for a moment, actually speechless for the first time and then motioned for the orderlies to let the girl stand.  The Headmistress cupped Audrey’s chin. "Oh, my little blue-eyed doll, aren't you the bright one." She let her chin go and took a page from one of the orderlies by the door, an admission form she’d brought for Velvet in case things went poorly.  Laying it out on the table, she added an addendum to the last page which read that under the conditions of Audrey's voluntarily enrollment into the program, she was not to be permanently separated from Staycee, and furthermore she would not be free to leave until such time as Staycee's sentencing was completed. "Sign here, as Colin, if you would.  It is still your legal name."

Writing had been something that came back well with my voice in the forest outside Mt. Calibeen, but reading had not.  If it wasn’t for my muscle memory, the years of writing my name at the top of school papers, I might not have been able to obey.  But as it turned out, my name printed itself on the dotted line as the pen moved across it, and there was the same signature I remembered from so long ago.  Colin Nicholls.  The woman smiled down at me and I handed her the paper.  She took it and folded it into her jacket pocket, taking two steps back before speaking. "Oh Audrey - you're going to be my perfect poster child after all.  And I'll keep good on my promise - you'll have Staycee.  But you two together is a liability, and I won't let that happen." I shook my head in disbelief, the orderlies grabbing me again from behind. "It's in the contract!" "It only says you can't be separated permanently, and you won't be.  You'll have your reunion when I'm confident you won't embarrass me." I felt a light prick in the side of my neck and the woman before me spun with the room around her.  And then she vanished.  Everything did.
 

[YourFNF]

pg. 391 I'm glad these two at least have each other, honestly having someone to lean on would probably be one the few things that might keep me from going full Jack Nicholson in "The Shining"

 

pg. 413

This is exactly like a traumatic brain injury or lesioning. I think this pretty much confirms the optogenetics hypothesis 

 

pg. 417

I think I know what happened with happened with Audrey. I'm guessing she had a friend someone with a terminal illness? 

 

********

 

pg. 430

"But when I put you under to
help you talk, you reconnected with your guilt. Usually that would
unravel the conditioning, but your time as a Zero made that
impossible, so a dam burst in your head and you started to drown.
Each time you got your head above the water level, it rose higher, and
so you took longer to make it back to the surface again. I wasn't even
sure I'd be able to rescue you by this point, but you responded to my
voice."
 

So some kind of cascading seizure caused by the suppressed circuits reactivating and firing randomly? The fainting in response to stress certainly seems indicative of that.

 

pg. 431

 

then they took the case
to the court and tried me for crimes against the state."

 

Is that even a thing in the US legal code? This sounds like some post 9/11 Black Ops bullshit. Some kind of secrete rouge court? Some kind of military tribunal set up illegally by who ever in the DOD and CIA that are running this nightmare factory": I wouldn't be surprised if the Koch brothers were in on this. Their certainly evil enough.

 

Article 3 (Section 2) United States Constitution

"The Trial of all Crimes, except in Cases of Impeachment, shall be by Jury; and such Trial shall be held in the State where the said Crimes shall have been committed; but when not committed within any State, the Trial shall be at such Place or Places as the Congress may by Law have directed."

Section 3

"Treason against the United States, shall consist only in levying War against them, or in adhering to their Enemies, giving them Aid and Comfort. No Person shall be convicted of Treason unless on the Testimony of two Witnesses to the same overt Act, or on Confession in open Court.

The Congress shall have Power to declare the Punishment of Treason, but no Attainder of Treason shall work Corruption of Blood, or Forfeiture except during the Life of the Person attainted."

 

There is no way the charges against Velvet would hold up under scrutiny, this was a kidnap job. Deep Black Ops, operating unsanctioned inside US borders. If they go to the press they can't touch them without risking massive suspicion  and blow back.

 

******

pg. 434

 

Oh.... I .... I can't even

 

To have some one ask that of you to be with them when.....

 

"She
didn't deserve to be punished, she deserved a medal"

 

I'm not sure about the ethics of Audrey's actions on that day but I can understand why they did what they did. I wouldn't call it murder, just a traumatized unstable teenager trying to help their friend without fully realizing the ramification of their actions. They needed help and compassion not torture and brainwashing.

 

****

pg. 502 Sign the waver and go the press, indemnity is for civil not criminal charges.

 

 

@Sophie ♥

 

[YourFNF]

 

pg. 391 I'm glad these two at least have each other, honestly having someone to lean on would probably be one the few things that might keep me from going full Jack Nicholson in "The Shining"

 

pg. 413

This is exactly like a traumatic brain injury or lesioning. I think this pretty much confirms the optogenetics hypothesis 

 

pg. 417

I think I know what happened with happened with Audrey. I'm guessing she had a friend someone with a terminal illness? 

 

********

 

pg. 430

"But when I put you under to
help you talk, you reconnected with your guilt. Usually that would
unravel the conditioning, but your time as a Zero made that
impossible, so a dam burst in your head and you started to drown.
Each time you got your head above the water level, it rose higher, and
so you took longer to make it back to the surface again. I wasn't even
sure I'd be able to rescue you by this point, but you responded to my
voice."
 

So some kind of cascading seizure caused by the suppressed circuits reactivating and firing randomly? The fainting in response to stress certainly seems indicative of that.

 

pg. 431

 

then they took the case
to the court and tried me for crimes against the state."

 

Is that even a thing in the US legal code? This sounds like some post 9/11 Black Ops bullshit. Some kind of secrete rouge court? Some kind of military tribunal set up illegally by who ever in the DOD and CIA that are running this nightmare factory": I wouldn't be surprised if the Koch brothers were in on this. Their certainly evil enough.

 

Article 3 (Section 2) United States Constitution

"The Trial of all Crimes, except in Cases of Impeachment, shall be by Jury; and such Trial shall be held in the State where the said Crimes shall have been committed; but when not committed within any State, the Trial shall be at such Place or Places as the Congress may by Law have directed."

Section 3

"Treason against the United States, shall consist only in levying War against them, or in adhering to their Enemies, giving them Aid and Comfort. No Person shall be convicted of Treason unless on the Testimony of two Witnesses to the same overt Act, or on Confession in open Court.

The Congress shall have Power to declare the Punishment of Treason, but no Attainder of Treason shall work Corruption of Blood, or Forfeiture except during the Life of the Person attainted."

 

There is no way the charges against Velvet would hold up under scrutiny, this was a kidnap job. Deep Black Ops, operating unsanctioned inside US borders. If they go to the press they can't touch them without risking massive suspicion  and blow back.

 

******

pg. 434

 

Oh.... I .... I can't even

 

To have some one ask that of you to be with them when.....

 

"She
didn't deserve to be punished, she deserved a medal"

 

I'm not sure about the ethics of Audrey's actions on that day but I can understand why they did what they did. I wouldn't call it murder, just a traumatized unstable teenager trying to help their friend without fully realizing the ramification of their actions. They needed help and compassion not torture and brainwashing.

 

****

pg. 502 Sign the waver and go the press, indemnity is for civil not criminal charges.

*****

pg. 530

To the headmistress.

 

 

@Sophie ♥

Lady you subjected this person to a level of psychological torture North Korea only wishes they could do. If they leave with "only" PTSD and a couple minor neurotic fixations you got lucky.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[YourFNF]

Gods that was.. fuck... that was... one of the hardest things I've ever read. I suspect that rape scene could be a potential topic for the next several months of therapy. But I'm glad I got to know Audrey and Staycee. I'm glad I got to see them get through this together. Whatever their past sins they payed in full.

 

@Sophie ♥

[Pudding]

I'm glad you're loving this so much! <3 

[YourFNF]

 

I'm glad you're loving this so much! <3 

Honestly it's closer to love hate. But you're still great writers. I loved the characterization and elaborate world building. It felt like I really got to know these three. But there were a couple moments that completely broke suspension of disbelief. Then there's the fact that yeah this triggered the shit out of my anxiety disorder I'm not sure I'll ever be 100% comfortable with a story if it has an explicit rape scene. But again very well written. Honestly this is a common reaction to forced regression stories for me.  I can appreciate the craft and skill of the writer(s) but there will always be a squick factor that makes it impossible for me to allow myself to relax and completely enjoy the ride. My guilt complex simply will not let me.

I think that's why so far I liked your storing "Amazing" the best. Nothing like a moment of hot naughty kink between two people who are hella gay for each other. 

[Sophie ♥]

 

I can appreciate the craft and skill of the writer(s) but there will always be a squick factor that makes it impossible for me to allow myself to relax and completely enjoy the ride. My guilt complex simply will not let me.

I think this is VERY common with these kinds of stories.   I still have trouble reading these kinds of stories (assuming I'm not writing them) because I get way too scared and anxious.

As for everyone else: I'm going to be finishing this story VERY soon.  I think there's only a chapter or two left that needs to be posted.  Thanks for sticking with us!  

[YourFNF]

 

I think this is VERY common with these kinds of stories.   I still have trouble reading these kinds of stories (assuming I'm not writing them) because I get way too scared and anxious.

As for everyone else: I'm going to be finishing this story VERY soon.  I think there's only a chapter or two left that needs to be posted.  Thanks for sticking with us!  

Although much to my shame I will admit the Audrey and Staycee sex scenes had an effect. Then again if I was in that situation anything that would take my mind off it would be welcome and if I could loose myself for a half hour with this person I've come to care about...

[Pudding]

 

 I liked your storing "Amazing" the best. Nothing like a moment of hot naughty kink between two people who are hella gay for each other. 

*gigglesnort* oh lawdy you read that? >////<

[YourFNF]

 

*gigglesnort* oh lawdy you read that? >////<

Yep I don't know if I'd die of embarrassment or make a different kind of mess in that situation, maybe both?

[Sophie ♥]

REDUX

PART I: Which Dreamed It?

The door remained closed as Velvet whispered the unique series of words into the girls ear, each one crisp, clean enunciated exactly perfect. Everything had to be precise. Fifteen words. One number. Four words. One number. Six words. Like a password in an old video game, each of the three segments contained a particular portion of the girl to restore - a failsafe in case of an emergency. But Velvet restored her all, and then she swallowed and closed her eyes. "Wake up, beautiful girl." Her fingers snapped.

I woke up.  I didn't just open my eyes, but I really woke up.  All the memories of Staycee and me, of Phase One and Zero, of our escape and the lost time, all rushed back to me.  Velvet, our Hypno tech, and her ex-boyfriend; everything was pieced together perfectly, including the last bit, including Velvet giving us up.  I sat up on the bed and nearly tumbled off the side in my scurry to get to my feet. "You!  You turned us in!" Technically, she had only turned in Staycee, but it was the same damn thing. "How dare you!  Who do you think you are?!"

"You were incontinent, a fugitive, barely able to talk. The future held running, barely making it work, struggling with the body of a child." There was such sadness in her voice, and her tone dropped. "I worked for weeks leading up to that… working out how to give you this bookmark. I knew she'd wipe you; she's so predictable. So I came up with a way to bring you back." Despite the months of time she'd spent practicing her explanation, Velvet's words fell flat and she closed her eyes to gather her thoughts. "It was your way out."

"Our way out?!  It was our way back in!  Our way to be sent back to that facility!  You knew I couldn't leave her, Velvet, and… and you sold us out!" The memories were so painful, and all these things Staycee could never know, all these things I couldn't speak of... I shook my head in a fit and hugged myself, tears dripping down my cheeks. "You were just out for yourself.  You've spent the past nine months living the way we wished we could…"

"If they'd caught you on their own, you'd have had no leverage. If I hadn’t started making bookmarks when I did, if I hadn’t thought ahead, where would you be now?  She would wipe you either way. But then I could meet you both, and give you everything back… and you'd be free. No fear. No running." Her words were small though: her entire plan relied on her being able to get her reasoning across to Audrey, and she was failing. "I started a trust fund in your name, in both your names. A new life."

"A life without you." I turned away from Velvet, my hands still holding myself.  The memories came pouring back: how strongly I felt about Velvet, and how much I trusted her.  I shook my head, biting my lip.  She'd done this, though.  But what would our lives have amounted to if she didn't… "Staycee… you can fix her too?" It would work around my contract.  Staycee could know everything.

"She has the same point you do; she'll remember everything, but I can't do her quickly. She has layers that need to be peeled away… because when I did her bookmark, she was missing eight years of her life, remember? I have a much more complicated task with her." She made it sound tragic, but she smiled reassuringly as best she could as she sat on the heart-shaped bed. "Yes, I can fix her. Then you never have to see me again, beautiful girl. I just hope one day you forgive me, and maybe you see what I did was for you both."

I wanted to forgive her - I did - but it all sounded so false.  It all sounded like another excuse, and I was so used to excuses, the same way Rochelle made them.  I shook my head and bit my lip, trying to stop the tears. "I have to go back, don't I?  I have to go back to Staycee…" I wiped my eyes with the backs of my hands. "What about the Hypno?  They'll keep giving it to me…"

"The Phase Four reinforcements are benign; they really only make you more confident in a few different aspects. Given you're going to need to handle every bit of anxiety and uncertainty you felt from before, they could actually be useful." Plus, Velvet wagered, the facility wouldn't know she was restored, and they wouldn’t try messing around in her brain. "Any Hypno you've received since going back in is now void, too."

"All of it…?" I turned around at that, looking up at Velvet with deep curiosity.  She nodded.  So what that man had done to me… it was gone?  It never happened?  I shook my head in disbelief. "When we get out of here, when you fix Staycee, she'll be just like the Staycee I remembered?" I bit my lip and looked down, a few particular moments of our lives as run-a-ways coming to mind. "Everything…?”

"Everything. You'll be your true selves; it was my plan all along. It took well over a hundred hours of Hypno while you were asleep to implement, and more than that for her. I couldn't tell you about it… I'm sorry." She looked anxiously at the door again. "I have to go, beautiful girl. I'm sorry. I'll meet you in this club the day you get out, and then we'll go fix Staycee.  Then you can be done with me, okay?"

"Velvet…" I hesitated, looking toward the door and back at the woman in front of me.  I felt the tears start up again. "I can't go back.  They're on to me… and… and I just can't…" I knew I had to - I knew Staycee was waiting - but it would be more weeks of lies, and I'd already been through so much… "There has to be… something… anything I can do… please…"

"You have to, Audrey. You have to be strong. You have to graduate, and then be free of that place forever, for Staycee, and for the future you both deserve. Nothing bad will come to you; they think you're still too fragile to perform any Hypno on, and the Headmistress won't risk her precious prize, not this close to the end of everything. Play her game, and know you're in control. I promise you'll be safe." She kissed the girl’s forehead and smiled, wiping a tear from her eye.

I wrapped my arms around Velvet and pulled her into a tight hug.  She was the only familiarity I had left.  Even Staycee wasn't mine.  She would be, but for now… "Is there any way I can get a hold of you, please…?" I couldn't be alone again.  I couldn't go back knowing there was no one looking out for me.  I needed more…

"I don't know, I'll try to find a way. I can't come back here, though, not knowing she knows who I am. When she asks about me, tell her I whispered into your ear and you got sleepy, but then I heard a noise in the hall and ran-off. Okay? And I promise I'll find you when you get out." It was all she could offer, and it broke her heart to know it, but her involvement would put both girls at risk.  It already had.

Velvet kissed my forehead again and let go of my hands.  I watched as she left through a different door - one that wasn't locked - and left me alone in the room.  I curled up on the heart shaped bed and pulled my knees to my chest.  I was alone: really, really alone.  I slipped my hand into the dress pocket where the blue pacifier sat, pulled it out, and pushed it between my lips.  It was only a minute later that I heard the door click open.  I didn't open my eyes.

"Where is she? Where is Velvet Duke?" The Headmistress was flanked by two orderlies, and Rochelle followed behind. "Rochelle, what did she do? Find out." The nurse knelt down next to the bed and pressed her fingers to the girls wrist. "She's not under, but she's close. Maybe we interrupted her?" "You two, find her. Rochelle, is she going to be okay?"

I blinked my eyes open, sucking contently at the pacifier as the Headmistress loomed over.  Rochelle looked worried; it served her right.  I shouldn't think like that though: we are friends, and she kept my secrets.  The Headmistress dropped to her knees to look me over.  I could have acted any way I wanted in that moment; they wouldn't have known the difference.  But I had to play my part.  I had to get out of here. "Huh..?"

It was Rochelle who spoke, her tone calm and friendly. "Audrey, we think your client was dangerous. What do you remember? I just need to make sure you're okay, and to see if you need to go to the hospital wing." Rochelle hoped that her wording would be enough to get it across to Audrey: if she was 'okay', she could avoid being studied too closely. She didn't know what was happening, but she did know that the woman was no doubt Doctor Velvet Duke, and that she was capable of anything.

"I… I don't…" I shook my head and sat up on the bed.  I looked at the pacifier in my mouth with curiosity as I pulled it out.  I looked up at the Headmistress next, but she only shook her head. "I don't know.  We were lying here… and… and I got sleepy.  And I… I guess she left or…" I looked around in a little haze, all entirely scripted. "She was just here… I think… maybe I fell asleep…"

"You're sure she wasn't put under?" The Headmistress could only judge based on Rochelle's expertise and the nurse nodded. "She hasn't been put under. Her heart-rate would be much lower. I think we stopped whatever was going to happen." "Good. Take her back to the facility. I'm going to try and find Velvet." The Headmistress left out the rear door and once she was gone, Rochelle smiled a little. "Did she fix you? Is the fetish gone?"

I nodded my head, looking down at the pacifier in my hand.  It interested me now.  Was that something I never got over from before?  It certainly had no appeal before I'd met with Velvet… "Yeah… I told her, and she… she took it away.  I feel funny, though…" It was the best way to describe to Rochelle what had happened.  I had the fetish gone, but there was so much more.  The memories. "I remember Staycee, from before… not everything, but… some things…" I had decided in that moment, I had to trust Rochelle.  I had to not be alone…

"What do you remember? Come on, let's get out of here." She helped the girl to her feet and led the way out into the main hall; her and the Headmistress had come by car, so they'd have to head to the parking lot. "It was really her, huh? The Doctor Duke?" It was hard to believe; the entire system was almost built on her work, her programs.

"Uh huh… I think so.  I remember her from before.  She was my tech…" I had to do this in bursts: I wanted to show Rochelle that I trusted her, but if I let her know that Velvet had fixed me, if I explained to her my whole life before this, it would get complicated.  Slow was better, and I was still working through it myself… "Rochelle, I… I was wondering if… if I had to keep doing Phase Four Hypno…" What Velvet had said really bothered me.  What they did to me now, she couldn't reverse.  Her bookmark could only be used once, and I'd used it now…

"There's only the five programs, and you're familiar with them all. I'm sorry, but I do have to stick to protocol or things are going to get dangerous. Like, what if they make me not your Hypno tech anymore? I have to be careful." Rochelle had already faced the realization that when this all went down, when everything surfaced, she was out of the job for her involvement. The rear door to the building parted and the two girls wandered into the late-afternoon sun, making their way to the car park.

"Yeah, I figured…" I played with the pacifier in my hands, climbing into the passenger seat of the car.  The Headmistress would be finding her own way back it seemed since Rochelle started the car and drove us back toward the facility.  How easy would it be just to run away now?  I was already out of the building.  But why bother?  In a few weeks, I could finish the program for real.  I supposed that's the kind of logic the facility used to keep their Fourths around…

"You think Staycee will be disappointed? She had a little bit of affection for your fetish, too, if I recall." It was simple conversation, nothing too heavy and that was probably best. Audrey looked lost in thought as the pacifier found its way back to her lips. Interesting, really interesting. "What's she like? Doctor Duke, I mean."

"Smart…" It was an understatement.  She'd single handedly devised an entire plan to rid the three of us of our association to that place while keeping our consciousness intact.  Yes, we had wasted nine months in that building, but she had it all planned out.  She was a genius.  I put my head against the glass and sucked at the pacifier.  I wasn't sure how, but before we made it back to the facility, I fell asleep.

I wasn't sure when it was, but when I got back to our room after dinner - spending my meal time worrying - Audrey was laying in the bed, peacefully asleep and sucking on the blue pacifier. I sat down next to her with a smile and began to slowly play with her hair, humming softly. "Hey there sleepy-head. You look content."

I woke up as slowly as ever, the pacifier staying between my lips.  I smiled up at Staycee, and for an instant, I even thought she was mine.  She wasn't, though; not yet.  I closed my eyes again and took the pacifier out of my mouth.  It made me so much calmer than anything I could remember, so much calmer than sucking my thumb. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too, so much. What happened? I wanna know everything. You were gone for ages and I was really worried." Worried was an understatement; it was only by virtue of the fact that she'd reminded me this could take a while that I'd even stayed calm as long as I had. She was gone and with this strange woman we still knew nothing about, and now she was back, out of nowhere.

"Nothing.  I fell asleep." It was a lie.  If it were my Staycee, I would have minded lying, but this one, I didn't. "You're lying." I blinked against her sillouette, the light on the ceiling behind her. "I am…?" I was such a good liar, though.  Wasn't I?  I thought I was, or was that something I'd learned since the bookmark?  This was getting confusing… "I went into the room.  And she did her… weird… Hypno stuff, right?  And then I just fell asleep…" It wasn't entirely untrue: there was just so much more.

"You were sleeping with your pacifier." My wording was specific; she'd never have accepted the terminology ‘her’ pacifier, and nor would she have slept with it firmly grasped between her lips. "Something happened, and if you don't wanna tell me then I know you have a good reason, but I'm your girlfriend. I know these things."

I bit my lip and put the pacifier back in my mouth.  It was a good way to avoid talking.  Staycee frowned and climbed up off the bed.  I followed suit, starting through my closet for something a little less provocative to wear.  Everything was just so… "Boring." I finally picked up my Third outfit and held it up to my body.  This and my paci… I could look really cute.

Interesting choice, I thought to myself. The thing she choose was her Third dress: the one we couldn't wait to get rid of. I didn't say anything about it. "Want me to put your hair in ribbons?" Ribbon in both our colors had been an easy choice, though we usually used it to accent our outfits; on wrists or collars or wherever else. Never once in our hair, not since Phase One.

"Uh huh." I slid out of my dress and into the blue Third dress.  I wasn't sure why I didn't like it before.  Yeah, it didn't really emphasize my chest very well, but it was still cute: a retro kind of cute.  Little girl things were in fashion anyway, right?  I looped a string of my blue ribbon around the guard of the pacifier and put it around my neck like a necklace.  I couldn't have looked older than ten, even without my hair done. "Guys like this kind of thing, you know.  Girls dressed like this.  I don't know why I don't go like this to those Master Class things." Of course, I wouldn't be going back.  I knew better now.  And there was the little fact that I didn't want the surgery anymore.

"Yeah, but the kind of boys who'd want a girl dressed like that should probably be in jail." She pouted a little and I kissed her lips, smiling. "But when your girlfriend finds it attractive, that's perfectly okay." I flashed a cheeky smile and pondered her obvious regression. Fourth was about expressing yourself and I doubted that anybody in the student body would make comment, but her attire could draw attention from the Headmistress. It worried me a little. "So when are you going back to your Master Class next? Monday?"

"I'm not gonna." I sat in front of the vanity while Staycee braided my hair.  It was really getting long.  It was so short the last time I'd seen it.  Of course, I remember it getting long, but it seemed so much more like a dream. "I don't really want that surgery.  I have you.  And who needs surgery when they have a wonderful girlfriend?" We were dating, right?  It took me a minute to search the memories.  Yes.  We were.

That floored me. The one thing she'd been so sure of, the one thing that made her happier than anything else to think about was that surgery: the thing she was going to let boys violate her over, and now she didn't want it?! I'd stopped braiding, I knew I had. "You don't want it now?" It was disbelief, not disappointment. She knew I loved her either way; was it only now just sinking in? "Why the change of heart all so sudden?"

I'd wanted the surgery before, but for the life of me. I couldn't remember why.  I knew I had a reason.  It was probably a good reason, too.  But nowhere in my memory could I find it.  I bit my lip and shrugged my shoulders. "Um… I don't know.  Why would I want it?  I just mean… it makes more sense to get out of here sooner, right?  And aren't we still getting those boob things done?" We were, right?  These memories were so much harder to come by.

I don't know why it made me so happy - maybe it was that we could get out of here so much sooner, maybe it was that I felt insecure knowing we'd be different - but whatever the reason, I threw my arms around the girl on the chair and cuddled her as tight as I could. "I'm so happy, Audrey. I don't know why, I just am. And I love you, and you gotta know that, okay?" I held her for a moment longer before composing myself enough to finish her hair. People were going to notice, for sure. I thought it was kinda adorable though.

I immediately regretted my choice of clothing when we walked into the rec room.  My hair was braided into pigtails and the pacifier hung off my neck, not to mention the child's dress.  I hid behind Staycee the way I remember hiding behind my own.  Gosh, what was I thinking?  This was Phase Four!  This memory thing was a real problem. "I can’t believe I wore this..."

"You're adorable; don't be silly." I smiled and slipped my hand into hers - though she hid behind me - and led her toward the circle on the floor where Jacinta was reading. I sat down, and she sat down next to me, cuddled up close. Snow gave her a curious look and leaned in to whisper. "Cute look. Very sweet lolita." Snow's comment seemed to give the girl pause to think for a moment, and I was curious to see her reaction.

I bit my lip and looked around the group.  No one seemed to look at me any differently, which I supposed made sense.  Hell, one girl in our group wore all black, and I seemed very much her polar opposite in that moment.  I took the pacifier from around my neck - something that was not on the list of things one could get - and put it into my mouth.  It matched my dress and hair ribbons perfectly.  I was a walking blue toddler.

"Where'd you get the pacifier?” one of the girls asked. "She got it as a gift from the Headmistress." "Oh." There was jealousy in her tone. "I miss mine sometimes." A few of the other girls nodded; they knew inherently that they shouldn't, of course, but there was an innate longing all the same.

I had a lot to say on the topic, but I decided instead to keep quiet.  I still hadn't gotten a very good hold on my memories and this was something that seemed very precise.  I sucked quietly on the pacifier as Jacinta read and I felt my eyes getting heavy.  I never napped.  I only slept at night.  I knew this.  I knew that was how things were ever since Phase Three started.  But I couldn't help it - I dozed off.

She laid against me at first, and then with her head in my lap. I made the excuse that she'd had a big day, but all the factors were starting to add up. The dress, the ribbons, the affection for her pacifier, and then the napping? She'd… regressed. Maybe to Phase Three, but certain parts of her behavior were almost typical of a Second. Did that woman do this? She was so cagey about telling me anything, though. I sighed and played with her hair while rec continued, knowing I'd have to wake her up to get her back to our room.

"Hm…?" The pacifier was pulled from my mouth and that woke me up more than anything.  I whimpered and rubbed my eyes, sitting up slowly. "It's… no more… um… reading?" Jacinta had closed her book and a majority of the girls had gone.  Only Snow sat curiously watching and Jacinta tried to keep her eyes averted, but she kept glancing from the corners of her vision. "I fell asleep…?"

"Yeah, you did." I smiled to try and show that it wasn't a big deal, but Snow was intensely curious, and despite her demeanor, couldn’t help but speak up. "She did it, didn't she? She made you act like a kid; is that her fetish? Ageplay? I've always wondered. She seems like the Mommy type, though, so I understand." Jacinta intervened. "Snow… hey, stop. What are you talking about?" "Her client. She knows Hypno."

I frowned and shook my head, sitting upright and crossing my arms. "It's not like that.  She didn't do anything like that!" I knew why I was defensive, but I also knew why I shouldn't be.  She was just a client; I had to keep that in mind.  She wasn't my Velvet.  If anyone found out I'd remembered… "Am I really acting so different?  I just wanted to wear something cute.  Jeeze…" I avoided eye contact, even with Snow.  I wasn't sure why I felt ashamed.  I always had this problem, didn't I?  Confrontation?

"You're adorable." That was Jacinta. "It's just a new side of you, and we need to get to grips with it." Snow nodded in agreement and smiled. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you bashful." There was a mystery here, though; they took it as a new direction for Audrey, but I saw something deeper. Not that I was complaining, though; she really was adorable.

I gave the two girls a small smile of appreciation and picked the pacifier back up from my necklace, pushing it between my lips again. "Come on, Staycee.  I'm sleepy." The lisp was a little much, but it was hard to talk with the pacifier in place.  I just liked it there; it felt right between my lips.  I remembered the last time I was with Staycee, how she couldn't even talk like an adult.  Even then, she was always more maternal.  Maybe not much had changed after all...

"Okay, come on." I helped the girl to her feet; though she could probably manage it on her own, the way she was dressed made me want to help just in case. I laced my fingers with hers and we left the rec room. "I was going to see if you wanted to try what we were trying before again… you know, what you did with your client?" It felt crass to say 'hey, do you wanna give me a blowjob?' but I really did want to see if we could work on her sexuality.

"Huh…?" I could remember so little of what Velvet and I had done, beyond the Hypno.  And then it hit me.  Oh.  My.  God.  I gave Velvet a blowjob.  MY Velvet.  Oh.  My.  God.  My cheeks turned every shade of red imaginable and I looked down toward my feet.  What the hell was I thinking?!  I didn't remember her.  And she made me!  Ugh!  Pervert!  I didn't say another word the whole way back to the room.

"You went all quiet. I hope me talking about that didn't make you awkward." I bit my lip and smiled, closing the door behind us. There were sheets and towels folded neatly on the vanity - ones that had been washed after we wet them - and I decided to put them away. "So what's going on with your tinklebell thing, my little wet princess? I'm kinda out of the loop on where you stand on that…"

"Tinkle… what?" Tinklebell.  Wet princess.  Oh… oh! "Oh, um, right.  Well, about that.  It's not really a thing.  I mean, I'm kind of over it.  I mean, it's not…" Wow, this was complicated. "It was a… a Hypno error.  Rochelle fixed it." That held up, but my lies still weren't very convincing. "You can ask her.  She fixed it." Of course, memories flooded back of the last time we'd done something sexual, and how I was wearing a messy diaper, then.  I felt my breath catch in my throat.  That didn't stick, did it?  It wasn't really a hypnotism…

"Oh, I'm really happy for you." It bothered me; I couldn't help it. It was our fetish and she'd promised she wanted it. I kept my smile up and nodded. "Well, we'll just have to find a new fetish to share, something just for us. I kind of like that. Any ideas?" I pulled the covers back and crawled up, shuffled over, and then waited for her to follow me. This was so weird… it was like she was a Third again; like when we'd first met except with no desire to get surgery.

"Nuh uh…" I slipped out of my dress and into a nightgown I'd found in my closet.  It was yellow - it was probably Staycee's, then.  I wore it anyway.  I played with the elastic on my panties and bit my lip, finally climbing onto bed beside Staycee, my pigtails still in and my pacifier necklace still around my neck.  I put my head on Staycee's chest the way I always used to, my arm and leg over her.  Her chest was fuller, now.

She cuddled differently; it was immediately obvious. We always cuddled in bed, but it was more casual, sometimes naughty. This was affectionate in a childish way and it showed. I let her cuddle and I thought about all of this. What had happened with that woman? She'd regressed, I knew that much. But it was uncanny, and I couldn't put my finger on why. A few hours later, in the middle of the night; I had another dream about my color ceremony. And then… I dreamed about Audrey, about an Audrey that was my First that cuddled like an affectionate child. I was so confused.

"Okay, so I'm thinking… we take this liberation class.  And yeah, we have to like… do sex stuff, right, in front of people, right?  That's stupid.  But twenty-five points.  And then, this one here?  And then we do the domestication and education here.  And we wind up out of this place in five weeks!  And we get a lot of clothes and boobs!  It's perfect." I'd spent a lot of the morning working out the quickest and most successful route out of here.  The sooner we left, the sooner we could meet with Velvet.

She was so unreal, so unlike any way I'd seen her before: she smiled with all the bubbly banter of a child and she figured out how we were getting out of here in a good portion of the morning. Five weeks, breasts, and lots of clothes. I wondered, briefly, with a smile. "How big do you think I should get my boobs?" I knew previously she'd been non-committal on the topic, but I wondered if she'd give me anymore input right now.

"I dunno.  I am gonna get one size, I think.  Bs.  And you could get Bs or Cs, I guess, but not bigger, because I don't want to be jealous." It was nice.  The last real memories I had of my life were of running away, and before that, it was in the hospital, and before that, it was being sexually assaulted, and before that, it was Phase Zero, and before that, I was a First.  I hadn't had any time to enjoy my new life.  And now here I was, a Fourth, wearing a pacifier on a necklace and loving every second of it.  Why did I ever run away from something like this?!

"I'm a little taller, and I think if mine are one size bigger, it'll help you with your little girl look." Logic we could both agree on. I took a breath and smiled. "I had another one of my dreams last night. You know the ones were things are the same, but different?" She stopped what she was doing and looked up at me with a hint of concern that I knew she was trying so hard to hide from me.

"Yeah…?  That's cool…" I did my best to act nonchalant, but I was so innately curious.  She had a dream about us, about the real us.  I wanted to push it, but after what Rochelle had said, and Velvet, I didn't want her house of cards to come tumbling down.  She remembered me though.  My Staycee was in there.

She played it off so casually and I made a note of that. She didn't ask for more information, she didn't probe me. She always probed me about those dreams. Was she just not interested? I had to know, so I volunteered a little more. "I was your Second. I named you Audrey, and I picked out your blue. I knew that I was going to pick you from the moment I saw your face on the incoming register. In the dream, I mean. Isn't that weird?"

I bit my lip and a small smile came to my face as I picked out a dress to wear for the day.  We had so little in terms of clothing, still, after two weeks at this place.  I made it a point to buy a school uniform in my blue as well as a few dresses and trainers, which were still available in the catalogue.  The latter got me a questionable look from Staycee. "You don't say." I finally changed into my polka dot dress.

"It's strange, I guess. I mean, in my dream we're a phase apart. But we're obviously not… we're in the same phase, so I know it's not real." I looked down at my hands and then up at my girlfriend as she adjusted her trainers beneath her polka-dot-dress. She really was beautiful, but more than that she was… radiant. Like someone entirely content with who they were. I'd never seen her this way, not in the entire time I'd known her. "You're beautiful, Audrey."

"You're very beautiful too, Staycee." I kissed her lips as we walked out of the room together.  I liked this.  I liked Phase Four.  I wasn't in nearly as much a hurry to leave as I was when Velvet had returned me to me.  I led the way to the cafeteria, talking about the different types of clothes I wished they'd have.  I was determined to get as many things in my color as possible. "Ugh.  Saturday Confession…" I hated that Confession on Saturday was before breakfast.  I just wasn't awake enough.

"Got anything juicy to confess? Not much happens between Friday afternoon and Saturday morning. Though I guess Friday nights are when some of the other girls hook up so maybe that's the point." I smirked. "Drat. We totes should have had hot steamy sex so we'd have something to confess, Audrey!"

I bit my lip and kicked at the floor as we stood in line.  Gosh.  It had been so long since I was really present for anything sexual.  How badly I'd want that.  Of course, I didn't say anything, though, and instead just pushed my pacifier into my mouth.  Staycee rolled her eyes and I stepped into one of the wooden boxes.  I had no intention to talk about anything real, but I had a few particularly fair lies waiting to spill out.

"Good morning, Audrey. You're looking very youthful today. What's the occasion?"  The voice was calm as ever, friendly and inquisitive without ever feeling as though it was overstepping the line. Well, mostly, anyway. But it was the tone of voice that had been proven to be most effective with Audrey, so it was the tone of voice that the confession box used with her.

"Oh, nothing.  I just think this is what I'm deciding I like.  And that's what this phase is all about, right?" I didn't wait for the box to answer. "I think that's why I was having such a bad time here.  I kept being told I could be whoever I want to be, but the me I want to be was the me in Phase Three.  So I'm that me now, and I'm much happier." They'd buy it.  I'd practiced the lie all morning.

"How interesting. And how do the other students feel about this change? You placed an order this morning for padded underwear. Do you feel as though the other girls might think less of you for choosing to assume the role of a Third?" It wasn't an accusatory tone, even; just an honest point being made as the owner of the voice saw it.

I shrugged my shoulders and looked up at the box.  I still had no idea where the light came from, or the voice, or the cameras or the microphones or anything.  It was more like magic. "They think I'm cute.  And I think I'm cute.  So that's that." I crossed my arms and then my ankles.  I didn't like that the voice went through my order forms.

"And does Staycee think you're cute, too? This must be a big change for her - the two of you are very close. Has your new look impacted your sexual endeavors?" It was a very personal question, but that was sort of what Confession was all about: sharing the personal things you couldn't share with anybody else. It was an important part of every Fourth's development.

"No." I rolled my eyes and leaned up against the wall.  This was really boring.  I had such a lovely little speech and now they're just bogging me down with all these questions.  I sighed and tried to look past it.  It's not so bad.  Who cares if you still have a pacifier and like your trainers?  Trainers make more sense anyway, especially with a male body.  And everyone's jealous of the pacifier!  Still, I felt my nervousness nag at me.  I'm fine, though, I assured myself.

"That's good to hear. Do you have anything else you'd like to confess? Would you like to talk about your wetness fetish?" It was the first time the voice had mentioned anything about it, but it made sense given the Headmistress knew full well the depths of the girls desires now. And maybe her desire to dress little-girl-ish was an extension of that.

I frowned and shook my head, taking a deep breath before trying to explain. "No.  I don't like that kind of thing.  It was like a… lapse in judgement or something.  I don't know.  But I don't like it anymore." Even if the Headmistress could relate that back to Velvet, it's only a good thing in her eyes.  Mine, too, because they would stop nagging me about it.  I wasn't nearly as embarrassed about the pacifier as I was about that fetish.  Thankfully, it was long gone.

"How fortuitous." If the voice could smile, that would be the point in which it was: a moment of pleasant surprise and jubilation. Wonderful news. "Anything further to confess, Audrey?" The girl stayed quiet, fiddling with her pacifier, and the voice finally concluded. "You're free to go. Enjoy your weekend - and create lots to confess by Monday." It was as much encouragement as the voice ever gave.

I pouted and climbed out of the box, making my way back toward the table.  I was definitely more reserved in appearance than a lot of the other girls, and, with the exception of the pacifier around my neck, I wasn't inherently childish. "Confession is stupid." Everyone looked up as I at down and Staycee quickly joined me. "If it wasn't for Confession, I could stay here forever."

"That and Liberation classes, right?" Mallory offered. "They're not so bad. We're just going to do ones where we get to screw around with each other while people watch." "What about the Master Class? It’s gonna take a long time to get your snip at that rate." "Don't be nosey, Mallory." Jacinta said. Snow's eyes had taken focus to the question, though.

"I decided against it." It was plain and simple.  People change their minds all the time.  And inherently, I had no problem with my body.  I know the other Audrey did, the one born after me, but I had trouble seeing exactly why.  Staycee loved my body, and it seemed stupid to care about anything else. "Anyway, I'd rather spend my time with Staycee.  Even if that means being here a bit longer."

There was a quiet murmur over the table, and most everybody went back to their own conversations. Snow's gaze lingered for a moment too long, though, and then she looked down. She'd found a kindred spirit in Audrey, and there was something in her chest that hurt now. Something uncomfortable. Loss? I looked at the the girl, then at Audrey, and kissed my girlfriend on the nose. "What're you going to eat for breakfast?" Snow was hurt and I wasn't sure why, but she'd get over it.

Staycee wasn't altogether different, and I think I liked that.  She was still the same girl as before, but now, it seemed, she had her memories.  Whenever we had our alone time, I asked her about her past.  I asked her to tell me everything.  But altogether, she was my Staycee.  She might have even been more well-rounded.  The Staycee I knew was a little more protective, a little more maternal, but she was also very scared.  But so was I, wasn't I?  Phase Four brought out the best in me, the me from Phase One and Zero.  I could be whoever I wanted now with no fear or restriction or shame.  I loved it.  I wasn't sure how it would be in the real world once we got out, but for now, this was dreamy.

We laid together in our room that afternoon, me on the bed and her cuddled up to my chest the way she preferred it. I preferred it, too. I read from the section in our course book - hardly the best read-to-your-girlfriend-material, but it was fun in its own way. "…and the cells are programmed with the blueprint to produce breast tissue, and then stimulated to carry out their course of action within seventy-two hours, encouraging a natural-yet-accelerated rate of growth." Oh, boobs. I'm looking so forward to you.

"Staycee, are you afraid?" I sat up on the bed, looking at my girlfriend as she held the book, propped open on her stomach. "I remember getting here and being so afraid.  And every stage, I kept thinking about getting punished, and I was so afraid." And running away, I was so afraid.  Getting caught, I was so afraid.  Losing Staycee, I was so afraid. "But Phase Four… I remember coming here and being afraid of the unknown, the same way I'm sometimes afraid of the outside world.  I was always such an anxious person; I always had a reason to be.  And now that I don't?  I feel like I'm blossoming here.  And I just wanted to know if you were afraid or not."

"I'm not afraid of anything except losing you. And I know you'll never leave me of your own free will, so I know that's not a big fear. But it's there. When you go somewhere and you're not back when you're s'posed to be? Anytime you go to Hypno, or to see the Headmistress? I'm protective, and I'm afraid of there being a situation when I can't protect you." My answer wasn't what I was thinking about, though; it was hearing the girl I loved unencumbered for the first time, free of her fear and anxiety. Happy. Not 'on the path to happiness', but actually happy. It was stunning, and she was beautiful.

I leaned over Staycee and ran my fingers along her cheek.  Her nose was just a little swollen now - so much better than it had been Thursday after I’d gotten out of the hospital wing.  Conversely, the bruise on my arm hadn't healed.  I made a mental note not to rip out an IV in future.  I kissed Staycee on the lips and put my head against her chest. "Let's sleep and dream about our life together when we leave here."

I liked that. It was early, probably earlier than we should have slept; but it was our afternoon to do with as we pleased. So I nodded, and I pulled the covers up over the two of us and kissed the top of her head. Her eyes were closed, but I spoke softly, knowing she could still hear me. "You're so different now, Audrey, since you saw that woman. Something happened and I don't know what, but you're different… you're still you, but you're free. Free of the chains that bound you to your fear and worry and doubt. You're radiant… brilliant. And I love you."
 

[Selpharia]

This is as cute and gay as i have come to expect from you two Excellent as usual

[Sophie ♥]

PART II: Where Loyalties Lie

Snow left us that Sunday, having finally built her Liberation chips back up after the surgery.  I expected a ceremony or a party, but there was nothing of the sort.  We said our goodbyes over breakfast and the girl assured me how happy she was.  And I believed her too; her mom was picking her up.  What I wouldn’t give to see my mom again.  Monday we started on our Liberation classes.  We'd left most of our Domestication classes and started on Education, myself in psychology and Staycee in English and writing.  She was already at the advanced level of both and I was only one class away from moving to the top tier of psychology.  It was fascinating.  I even learned a lot about the facility, and maybe how to better work the system.  Of course, it wouldn't help me in Liberation.  Sexual Variation and Experimentation.  It was the only class we could take and get 25 points for Liberation, other than the Master Class of course.  Everything else was 20 or lower. "I guess we should go in?" Staycee held my hand.

"It'll be okay." The words were more for my benefit than for hers; she wasn't afraid of the idea and wore a smile - she always kept her pacifier close, though, and anytime a little bit of anxiety did creep through, she had that to fall back on. There were about sixteen girls in the class, including Mallory who sat at the back. There was nobody else we really knew too well, and no teacher yet. I pulled out a chair for Audrey, and sat adjacent to her with a smile. This was a demonstration class. We could do this.

I knew what a performance class was - the Master Class was a performance class - but a demonstration class… the only thing I could think of was what Jacinta had led us into on our first day.  And that one was only fifteen points.  I wasn't sure exactly how this would be more intense, but it would have to be somewhere between the two classes I'd already done.  Of course, Staycee and I already had a hundred Liberation points from Hypno and I had my additional 75.

Part of me wanted to get Mallory's attention from her seat and to ask her what we could expect, but she was fairly involved in conversation and a few minutes later the teacher walked into the class, immediately taking note that we were new. "Girls, please welcome our newcomers. Would anybody like to fill them in on what it is we do here?" She was cute. The teacher, I meant. She was friendly and chipper and had a smile, and while she organized her paperwork, one of the girls stood up in back. "Hi Audrey, Hi Staycee. I’m Tamira. Miss Livens teaches us a fetish, and then we're paired into groups and tasked with figuring out our best guess of carrying out that fetish. Then she picks the pair that's closest, and brings them up the front to teach properly and have them perform in front of the group. This pair receives an additional 5 chips." She sat down, proud of her explanation.

Fetishes?  Oh, that was easy.  This I could do.  I nodded my head as Tamira sat back down and I put my arms on the desk and waited for the teacher to continue.  I wasn't so sure how I felt about performing but it seemed like the same people wouldn't be chosen two days in a row.  If it meant I had to perform once every week for 25 points, I could probably handle that.  

The woman at the front - Miss Livens, so it would seem, according to Tamara - smiled as she ran her eyes past the group of girls, assimilating the new faces. "Alright now, who can remember what we covered on Friday? Miss Welsh?" The asian girl - striking with her blue eyes - stood and answered. "Miss, we covered foot fetishism." "Very good, Miss Welsh. You may sit. Girls, foot fetishism is becoming one of the most widespread fetishes in terms of public awareness. It's likely that you'll run into at least one man in your time dating that wants to worship your feet. Todays fetish is much more obtuse. I'm talking about pet play. Would anybody like to have a guess what that is? Audrey, Staycee?"

"Um…" I looked over at Staycee, who gave a little shrug.  Maybe this was more obtuse than I thought… "Is it… when you treat the other person… like a pet?" Of course, pet in this instance could be entirely symbolic.  But at least my attempt would get a few laughs out of the class.  That was, if I was wrong.  But no one laughed. "Very good, Audrey." Oh, cool - I got it right.

"Now, you all pair off. You have fifteen minutes to demonstrate your interpretation of pet play. I'll be circling and watching, and when I blow the whistle, I'll let you all know who's closest to the mark." This actually didn't seem so bad! Not like the Master Class, and yeah we'd have to get a little kinky in front of other people, but what was the worst that could happen? 25 chips sounded wonderful.

"Okay, so you pretend to be a pet?  Or I do?  Or are we both pets?" I supposed I wasn't as good at fetishes as I though.  Foot fetish seemed a hell of a lot easier than pet play. "And what kind of pet?  Like a cat?  I don't know how that's sexy.  Or a fish?" I made fishy faces with my lips and Staycee laughed.  I looked around the room, but no one else was really doing anything yet.

"Cat or dog. I think those are what people think of what they think 'pet', and we have to figure out what the majority of people identify this to, right?" Audrey nodded and I felt proud of myself for being so logical. "You're cuter, so you get to be the pet. On all fours kitty-or-puppy. And decide what you wanna be." She frowned and I grinned, kissing her lips. "Don't be shy, we can do this."

I felt silly climbing down to my hands and knees on the tiled floor.  At least it was clean.  A few other people watched me and I fished for the pacifier around my neck, putting it in my mouth.  I wasn't sure if I was a cat or a dog, but neither felt particularly sexy.  I was just Audrey.  Still, this was… different, if anything.  I tried to bark.  It was pretty pathetic.  I tried to meow.  It wasn't any better.  I felt my cheeks heat up.

"I liked the meowing more. You can be my kitty." I ran my finger through her hair, lighting scratching the top of her head. "Good kitty! Who's a good kitty?" I didn't get the sexual element of this, but it made my cheeks hurt from smiling as I sat down and pulled my girlfriend onto my lap so I could continue to pet her. This was easy. I liked this class! I didn't know if we were doing it wrong or not, but we were participating and that would net us our points.

I put my head on Staycee's lap and she scratched at my hair.  I licked her leg, having pulled the pacifier out first.  I didn't bother to put it back in.  This was fun!  I didn't see the sexual elements in it, and maybe that was why it was so exciting.  It was like when you're a little kid and you play make believe that you're a Power Ranger or a Pokemon.  I was a kitty.

The fifteen minutes went by faster than I thought, and the whistle blew. I didn't get what that meant, implicitly, but the other girls were moving to their tables so we did the same - this was an easy twenty-five points. Miss Levins smiled and looked at her notes, then called out two names. "Mallory and Natasha. You girls did amazing. Everybody else was really good, too - especially you two, Audrey and Staycee. I decided to give you two a break today." I pouted. I wanted to be the best! The two girls came up to the front and the teacher turned to face us. "Pet play comes under the broad spectrum of control-exchange, girls. The animal varies, but on the whole, puppy-play is much more sexual, whereas kitten-play is about the game, about the balance of affection and rebellion. Mallory and Natasha chose to do kitten-play, and they're going to demonstrate it to you now, and then I'll introduce you all to some of the props available to this fascinating form of control-play."

The next half an hour was full of knowledge, but I still didn't understand any of it.  Staycee, though, looked very intent.  I nudged her but she didn't look over toward me.  I pouted and put my head back on the table, watching as the girl was collared and led around on a leash.  That must have been really embarrassing with everyone watching, but she was getting five extra chips.  Staycee and I were among the first out of the room. "That wasn't so bad.  25 points.  If we keep taking that class, we can be out of here in five weeks."

"And we'll know every fetish known to mankind." I grinned and kissed her cheek, slipping my hand into hers and her pacifier into her lips. I didn't know why; I just liked the look. It exemplified everything about the way she'd changed. It was a reminder that she was happy, that she was free, and I longed to be free the way that she was, almost more than I longed to be out of here.

I didn't want to go to Hypno, but it wasn't a choice.  The following five days of hypnosis would forever be trapped in my mind: acceptance of sexuality, appearance and impression, expanding curiosity, social butterfly, and cherishing compliments.  They were a part of me now, and there was nothing I could do about it.  I tried to look at it as a positive thing, though.  I could kiss Staycee in public and not be ashamed.  I would dress in a way that would excite her.  I would try new things for her.  I would be able to socialize with other people and make friends.  And I could take a compliment for a compliment.  Those rationalities got me through. "This is it.  Our last day together." Staycee watched as I talked to my boobs.  It was Saturday and our enhancements were scheduled.  It would clear our Liberation chip funds entirely, but we could build them up again, the same way we had built such an excessive wardrobe.

It was exciting in a way that made my stomach close in on the hundreds of butterflies that were flying around in there; tomorrow we'd be different, we'd have boobs. Not just the small bee-sting swellings we had now, but actual, legitimate, real boobs. No scars, no side-effects. It made my head spin dizzily. "Do you think they'll replace our clothes when we're in for Enhancement? The book says that each piece of clothing is a subscription, remember? Each will get replaced any time we get changes, free of charge." Which was very interesting. Would they actually replace her Third dress with a version to accommodate her boobs?

I ran my fingers down the mostly-blue clothes and bit my lip. "They might just alter them.  They probably do, actually.  It's a lot of work making something like this in a special color…" It actually made me wonder about funding.  But then again, with all the extra money they were making through the strip club, and with how much they'd make with me when I graduated, it suddenly made a lot more sense. "We should go.  They said noon."

When I held her hand on the way out of our room, it was all for my benefit. This felt so final, like I could go home before now and make it as a boy, and after this I couldn't. But I didn't want that, anyway; I was a girl now. I was Audrey’s girl. And I wanted to be the prettiest, best girl I could be. So we made our way down the north west corridor. Two-Bump-Lane, the other girls called it. "Audrey? I'm excited. Do you think I'll look good with boobs?"

"Beautiful." I kissed Staycee's lips and followed her through a set of doors at the end of the hall.  It wasn't a surprise that they had to separate us, though there was only a curtain between.  Rochelle wore white, which was entirely unordinary since she became my Hypno tech.  I liked seeing her in white.  There was a little prick in my arm, and then I fell asleep.

It was so much less dramatic than what I thought. Just a prick, and then sleep. What I didn't realize was that we'd be spending the "24-72 hours" sedated, a fact that I only became aware of when I opened my eyes and looked across the room at the adjacent bed and saw Audrey. She was asleep, and my chest felt impossibly heavy. I couldn't help it. I threw the thin hospital covers off the bed and sat up, looking down at my chest. At my boobs. My boobs. Beautiful, glorious, cleavage visible down the front of the nondescript gown and two beautiful, perfect, tear-drop-shaped boobs that were a part of me. That were mine.

Staycee was on top of me by the time I opened my eyes and I shook my head in protest. "Sleepy…" "Wake up, silly.  You have boobs." I sat up in the bed, a little curious, but noticed Staycee's long before I noticed mine. "Holy crap…" I looked down at my own.  They were barely any bigger than what they were before, but certainly fuller.  Something had happened.  But the impressiveness of Staycee's was overwhelming.  I didn't mind, though.  The nurses said it would take at least six weeks for them to adjust to the proper size, but this size was fine.  Big and small and pretty and simple and me.  I liked it.

I wanted to show restraint, I really did, but it was Christmas morning for us. I pulled my gown up off over my head and tossed it to the ground, letting my boobs out in the open. And then I leaned in and did the same to Audrey. I couldn't take my eyes off her breasts; smaller than mine but the change in shape from little puffy bumps to proper, full, perfect little teardrops was remarkable. She was my girl. "You're so beautiful, Audrey. I didn't think it was possible for you to get more perfect, but you did."

I bit my lip and smiled, running my fingers over Staycee’s chest.  I'd felt boobs before.  I'd felt her boobs before.  I knew how they should feel, and they felt… normal.  I liked that.  I reached for my necklace but it wasn't there.  I frowned and shook my head, looking at the gown on the floor.  It must have fallen off, or it's with my clothes. "Could you get off?  I wanna get dressed." And find my pacifier.

I nodded softly and stood up, completely naked if not for the basic white panties I was wearing. I wanted my clothes really badly, but I also wanted to run through the halls screaming about my boobs. Of course, standing up had made me realize something: I needed my bra really badly. "Where do you think our clothes are?" Mine likely wouldn't fit, at least not the tops, but just enough to get back to our room would be fine.

I finally found a cabinet in the corner with an outfit for each of us.  It was just a standard shirt, each in our color, and white elastic pants.  Very boring.  But there were also bras - one for each of us and in our own colors.  I excitedly pulled mine into place; doing up bras was something I'd gotten very good at since getting my first one in Third.  I situated it around my chest.  It really helped with shape, to say the least.  The shirt and pants came on next.

We faced one another and got dressed, smiling broadly as we watched each other fastening our bras, and then slipping the boring clothes on. At least they fit; they were a perfect fit, in-fact, and that made me happy. "I'm so excited, Audrey. I feel so… complete, like a part of me was missing and now I'm whole." She gave me a strange look and smiled. "Hey; where's your paci necklace?"

"I don't know… maybe back in my room." They'd taken my old clothes.  It made sense; they had to make alterations.  But my pacifier… shouldn't it be here?  I shook my head and followed Staycee out of the room.  No one stopped us.  No one asked if were were okay.  That seemed strange to me.  The halls were completely empty while we made our way back to our room.  I didn't know the time until we got there. "It's the middle of the night." Four AM. "No wonder it's so quiet." I started at the closet.  All the clothes were different, but they were not new.  I ran my fingers along the fabric and nodded toward Staycee. "Yours are so much bigger… mine are barely."

"Are you happy with them?" She seemed a little disparaged and so I decided now would be the time I'd help her see how wonderful they were, in case there was any doubt. So I pushed her to the bed and I kissed her lips with as much passion as I could manage, one of my hands resting on her tummy and slipping up beneath her top. She was beautiful. Her boobs were beautiful. I was going to show her that. My own boobs got a little bit in the way, but I was adapting quickly.

I bit my lip a little harder and it reminded me… "Oh.  My paci."  She stopped and nodded her head at the realization, looking around the room. "Maybe we fell on it." Staycee climbed off me and I followed suit, but the sheets were fresh and smooth.  I checked the bedside table, but nothing.  I checked the drawers by the vanity.  Nothing.  I crossed my arms and shook my head, disbelieving… "It couldn't just walk away…"

"I'm sure they'll return it. Look, I don't see my yellow sun-dress that I was wearing when we went in." I had a catalogue in my head of every bit of my clothing in my color, and in the open closet, I didn't see the yellow dress. There were a lot of other yellow dresses, just not that particular one. It gave me some hope. But then again, I was worried, too. Audrey really relied on that pacifier, and it meant a lot to me, too.

I bit harder on my lip, sifting through the closet for my Third dress.  It was here, but it wasn't altered.  I supposed that made sense.  I didn't buy it in Fourth and they didn't have to alter it.  I kept chewing on my bottom lip as I searched through both nightstands again. "Yeah… they'll probably… um… bring it back soon…" I kept looking anyway.

"Hey…" It was the first time I'd really seen her stressed since she came back that day freed of all her worries and I took her hands in mine, turning her away from the closet to face me. "It'll show up. And if it doesn't, we have Rochelle, remember?" And Audrey seemed to be in pretty close with the Headmistress, though she never really explained that angle. Still, we had options. I kissed her lips and gently nibbled on her lower one, whispering. "I know how much it means to you."

"It doesn't mean anything to me… just a pacifier…" But the rest of that day, that Tuesday, was endlessly difficult.  I failed my psychology test and lost out on 25 points.  I even got yelled at in our liberation class for not paying attention, though I didn't get a deduction.  I felt like I was falling apart, and as we stepped out of the class together Staycee took my hand.  I wiped the tears from my eyes and went back to biting my lip.

"Let's go ask Rochelle, okay? She was there, I bet she'll know where it ended up." She was in denial over her affection for the pacifier, but I also knew her better than to believe her. The lack of her pacifier was really starting to take the shine off her wonderful day, and I was determined to fix it, to see that airy smile again. She needed her pacifier, needed that necklace to remind her that she could do anything.

Staycee led me through the halls until we stopped outside Rochelle's room.  I still had about five minutes before I technically should of been there, but it didn't seem too off place when I stepped in.  What was out of place was Staycee following me. "Oh, Audrey, you're bleeding." She climbed up from behind her desk and grabbed a tissue, holding it to my lower lip.  I hadn't noticed…

I'd never been here, not in this office. I'd never seen Rochelle outside of the moments she came to take Audrey away as of late, and it was interesting. She dabbed the tissue to my girlfriend’s lip and I closed the door behind the two of us. "What happened? Your pacifier, where is it?" On one hand, it amazed me just how well Rochelle knew Audrey. But on the other hand, it meant she didn't know what had happened to it. My hand in Audrey's felt her trembling as she made the same realization that I just had.

It wasn't coming back.  I knew it wasn't.  It was a play by the Headmistress, though I couldn't figure out why.  The sooner I got out of here, the better.  But maybe her prized girl sucking a pacifier wasn't the kind of poster child she wanted.  I was dizzy with anxiety as Rochelle cleaned up my lip and I went right back to biting it. "Dunno… not here… just gone…"

"Don't bite your lip, honey. It's adorable, but you're cutting your pretty lip up and if you do that too much, you'll have problems kissing. I like your boobs. How do they feel?" The shift of topic was intentional and I had great admiration for the woman; she really did know how to work with Audrey. I knew I could take care of my girlfriend just fine, but having an ally was beneficial.

"I… um… they're fine…" Rochelle kept the cloth to my lip, drying the blood, and I did my best not to bite at my lip anymore. "Um… I like them… I like Staycee's too…" The distraction wasn't working very well, but it did keep me from biting.  Where was my damn pacifier?!  What kind of game was the Headmistress getting up to? "Do you… think… I could see her?  The Headmistress…?  I want a new one…" I wanted mine!  And she had it!

"I'll send her an internal message, telling her that I want to see her. How's that sound? And in the meantime, we can start of your Hypno and Staycee can go to hers." I didn't like that, I didn't like not being here when the Headmistress was involved. I'd only just gotten used to my beautiful, bubbly, happy Audrey. I didn't want her taken away, not like this, not by her. But that pacifier was so important.

Staycee kissed my cheek and left us alone.  Rochelle told me to hold the tissue, so I did, trying to stop the bleeding on my own.  I took a seat in the chair and watched as Rochelle typed something up on her computer.  I was shaking. "It's just a pacifier… I don't know why I'm having this problem…" But if my memory served me right, I used to suck my thumb all the time when I was anxious.  Maybe this was normal for me…

"It's more than a pacifier to you though, isn't it, Audrey? I don't know how much more, or why, but I know it means something beyond just being a symbol of your first time here." Rochelle looked back at her computer and the reply bounced up. "The Headmistress will be here in about three quarters of an hour. We should get your Hypno done and out of the way before she gets here, are you okay with that?" She didn't have to ask permission. She was in charge, but she liked to be polite.

The helmet came down over me and I handed the bloodied tissue to Rochelle.  She took it and covered my eyes, then my ears.  I tried to turn my head but the system wouldn't let me.  I rested back in the chair.  This would relax me.  I'd come out of it feeling refreshed.  The lights started and then the dizziness.  The haze turned into a little whir of the machine turning off and everything went black.  This I was used to.  I ran my fingers over the ears and pushed the speakers away, then the visor.  Rochelle was still at her desk.  The clock on the wall had gone through forty-two minutes.

"How're you feeling, Audrey?" Control questions were usually only used in earlier phases, but this wasn't a control question this time: it was genuine curiosity. The Headmistress was going to be here in a few minutes, and it was going to be difficult for her to stand up to that woman. The blood on her lip was dried and cracked after the session in the chair and the girl was looking around, taking in the room, the way she always did when she came out of Hypno.

"Fine… just… um…" Todays session was about appearance.  I knew that, but not consciously until I looked down at what I was wearing and my hands played with the tips of my hair.  I looked very nice today.  I'd changed out of the blue top and white pants and into one of my favorite blue dresses.  The Third dress still fit me, but I couldn't wear it with my bra or it would hurt.  I didn't wear that dress today, though.

"Would you like something to drink before she gets here?" Hospitality wasn't in her job-description, but then again nether was half of what she'd done with and for Audrey. "There's a mirror in the corner if you'd like to check your hair or straighten your dress." It wasn't lost on Rochelle the topic of today’s program, after-all, and she knew the girl would be interested in her own appearance a little more than usual.

I did just that.  My hair needed a bit of flattening after the helmet, but otherwise I looked rather beautiful.  Young, especially for my age.  I knew I was eighteen, almost nineteen, but the girl in the mirror looked a lot closer to fifteen.  I heard the door click open and I turned toward the Headmistress.  She smiled at me, condescendingly, before her and Rochelle could exchange words, I stepped up to her with a huff. "I want my pacifier back."

"Rochelle, you didn't inform me you had a student here." "It slipped my mind." The Headmistress regarded the girl and then smiled slightly. This could work out well. "Oh, you shouldn't have had that, Audrey. I didn't know where it came from, so I had to confiscate it. Maybe if you'd like to cooperate, I could decide it was safe enough to return to you."

"I.  Want.  It.  Back!  It's mine!" The bloodied lip probably wasn't lost on the Headmistress, and when she looked down at my lips I suddenly got an idea. "Unless you want me to keep biting my lip, make my very pretty face less pretty for your pictures.  What would your posters look like then?" I didn't have a lot to go on, but maybe this angle would work.  I knew how important I was to her career.

"I could just have your teeth removed, fit you with dentures for the promotional material, and then send you on your way." She was good. She didn't skip a beat, not for a moment. And she didn't get messed with, especially not by a student. "Now. Why don't we talk a little bit about Velvet Duke, Audrey. You help me, and I'll return your pacifier, and let you keep those pretty teeth of yours."

I bit at my lip again, subconsciously, and winced at the pain. "I don't know what you're talking about.  Why do you want her, anyway?  She's the one that wrote the programs, right?" Rochelle's information was valuable.  I could use this to try to get more information.  I just needed to know why she wanted Velvet. "I'm better now.  Since the last Liberation Master class, I haven't wanted to be wet at all."

"I'm aware. And I'm proud of you. But there's only one person who could have taken that away, which confirms to me that you were dealing with Velvet Duke. I don't want her, Audrey. I want her kept far away from you. She's a dangerous woman. She helped inmates escape once - when they were only Firsts. You remember being a First, don't you, Audrey? Can you imagine facing the world like that? It's a transitory phase. She has poor judgment, and she's reckless. I'm just trying to keep my poster child safe."

Yeah, I remembered.  She helped me escape after I was put through Phase Zero.  But I wasn't supposed to know that. "Well, I don't know anything about her.  So give me my pacifier back." If she got a hold of Velvet, if she did something bad to her, all of Velvet's work would be ruined.  All of Velvet's help with me and Staycee would go away.  The whole point was to get us out, and if she was caught… "If she was at that club, where I met her, why is that bad?  It's not illegal."

"She was released from her contract on a technicality. And there are conditions to her contract of release - one of them is that she's not to interfere with our students. It's like I said, Audrey: she's dangerous. If you tell me everything you know about her, I'll return your pacifier to you." The girl was quiet for a moment and the Headmistress stood with her arms crossed, waiting.

"I don't know anything." I couldn't tell her, now.  I knew I couldn't.  If she got a hold of Velvet, if she put her back in this place… I shook my head and looked down at my feet.  She had legality.  She could do it… "I told you everything.  I went in and serviced her, like I was supposed to, and then the second time I just… fell asleep.  I don't know anything else…"

"She put you under, Audrey. I know that she did, because your wetness fetish is gone. Now, you tell me something about this woman, or our discussion is over and I'll melt your pacifier down with the rest of the L17 models." She looked at Rochelle and smiled. "It's a shame, too. We recycled the plastic from those old models, so that must be the last one."

"I don't know!  I really don't!  Please!" My paci… she wouldn't.  She wouldn't dare.  I needed it.  I shook my head, tears staring down my cheeks.  This wasn't fair! "I told you everything!  I promise!  I promise I told you!" The tears wouldn't stop coming and Rochelle got up out of her chair.  The Headmistress put her arm out, though.  Rochelle stopped.  I looked at them both through tearing eyes. "Please… I just want it back… please…"

"Where did she go? Did she tell you?" It was difficult for the Headmistress, not knowing exactly how much Velvet had told the girl. How much had been done? She'd regressed to herself as a Third, but the woman also couldn't figure that part out either. "Why did you regress to your Third phase self?" The girl was crying and it brought no pleasure to the woman to see that, but she had no choice.

"She didn't!  She didn't do anything to me!  I just fell asleep!" I couldn't stop crying.  The thought of my paci… I couldn't stop.  I shook my head over and over and tried to muster up some courage. "I'm not a Third.  I'm a Fourth.  And you can't do this.  You can't just take my stuff.  It was my paci, you know it was.  It was from before.  You know it's mine…"

"Rochelle. Prepare a little cocktail to help our baby girl talk, would you?" It pained the young nurse to be a part of this, but she had no choice in the matter. She pulled out a little case of chemical vials, and started to prepare the needle. The Headmistress smiled and took hold of Audrey's wrist. "You'll tell me what I want to know in a few minutes; you won't have a choice. And given your lack of cooperation, and the fact I've had to resort to this, I see no reason to return your pacifier."

I pushed the Headmistress away, her arm losing the grip on my wrist, and I kicked her hard in the thigh.  She fell to the ground and I ran past her as fast as I could, through the door and into the hallway.  I knew I had nowhere to run.  I didn't know what I was thinking.  My eyes were still wet with tears and the halls were still empty.  Everyone was in Hypno.  I started the walk back to my room, walking as quickly as I could.

There were orderlies at one end of the hall that Audrey turned down - the hall her room was off and they advanced quickly toward her. The Headmistress' voice came from further down the hall, echoing. "Audrey, you're only making this harder than it needs to be. This could be so easy."

I shook my head and charged at the Headmistress.  It was the only way I could go, and she was the weakest between her and the two orderlies.  But I was mistaken.  She grabbed me by the wrist like a child and pushed me against the wall.  She was so much taller.  I felt the tears slip down my cheeks as I tried to wiggle away from her. "Lemme go!  LEMME GO!"

The needle pricked the girl’s skin of her neck and the plunge sunk in slow motion, the hypnotic flooding into her blood-stream like dye coloring the water. "Calm." She spoke in very simple terms to the girl, and waved for the two orderlies to keep their distance. The girl looked up into her eyes with defiance, but the resolve was very quickly fading. She knew she wouldn't get too many questions before the girl would fade, and she needed to keep it simple. But she had everything planned out.

The room spun as I was pulled back into Rochelle's office.  My bottom hit the chair I had been hypnotized in so many times.  This was so different, though… "Lemme… lemme go… this isn't fair…" I tried to get up again but the Headmistress held me down.  I looked up into her spinning eyes.  Fight it, Audrey.  She doesn't control you.  You're better than this.

"Did Velvet Duke hypnotize you, Audrey?" Simple question with a one-word answer; an answer she knew would nonetheless take a moment more than normal while her hazy brain processed the words, processed they were aimed at her, and spurted out the first answer that came to mind. The honest one. The truthful one. Simple.

"I… um… no…" No.  I'd said no?  I was winning.  I was succeeding at this.  The dizziness was so encumbering, though.  The fog.  But through it all, my hatred for the Headmistress burned.  Even under the hypnotic, I wasn't calm.  I was malleable, but not calm.  I was angry at her for taking my pacifier.  And her words were not Velvet's.  I could lie.

"Did Velvet Duke tell you where she was going when she left? Did she know I was after her?" Two questions. Technically against the procedure of how this would work, but the Headmistress wasn't as composed as she usually was. She needed Velvet out of the picture; she could tamper with her investment and ruin everything. That couldn't be allowed to happen.

I decided to answer the first question, "No…" which took absolutely no effort because it wasn't a lie.  I smiled to myself, but it came across very smugly.  Of course, I could barely tell the floor from the ceiling at that point.  I tried to sit up in the chair again and slipped back into place.

She was frustrated, and she hated that she was, but the woman was persistent. "Why is she interested in you?" Not a yes-or-no question. Risky. Reckless. A symptom of the woman and her desperation for answers. She wasn't usually so sloppy, but she had a rogue element that she didn't want on her hands. Another question. Stupid. "Is she a danger to my plans for you?"

I didn't answer.  The questions started to confuse me.  The hazziness had no center, and even with the hypnotic drug, she couldn't pull answers from the fog.  That was the benefit of a good hypnotist - they could turn the fog into a storm.  They could find the eye.  They could see me.  But this woman, she had no experience.  It was obvious.  So I stayed silent.

"Is she a threat? Answer me!" Coarse. Angry. Not level, just driving the girl further into herself. Rochelle put her hand on the Headmistress' arm, trying to calm her upon arrival, but the taller woman spun around and pushed Rochelle back. "Fuck. Don't." "Get her pacifier. It'll soothe her, and maybe you'll get some answers. But be quick. She's only got a few more minutes. I can talk to her and keep her from fading, but you need to hurry." The woman in charge seethed and then nodded, taking off down the hall at a brisk pace. Rochelle put her hand on Audrey's cheek and smile, looking into her eyes. "Stay strong. You're doing well."

I looked around for the orderlies but they didn't follow the Headmistress into the room.  I looked toward her desk, trying to discern of the recorder was on or off.  I couldn't tell with the dizziness.  Rochelle smiled and held my cheek.  It was so difficult to focus… "She's gonna… gonna find her… I can't let her… Rochelle… please don't let her… please…"

"Suck your pacifier when she brings it; it'll hasten you passing out. I'll smooth things over with her; I'll tell her you answered some questions. Tell her that Velvet said she was going out of state. Lower her guard." Audrey probably didn't process half of that, but Rochelle kissed her forehead and smiled. "You're beautiful and this will all be over soon. I promise."

The sound of the Headmistress's heels on the tile filled the room and I felt the familiarity of my pacifier slip into my mouth.  I was completely gone.  What resistance I'd started with had faded with the pacifier's return and I sucked on it quietly.  This meant yes or no questions.  The Headmistess started to speak and Rochelle shook her head. "Let me do it.  She likes me." I could barely tell if the Headmistress nodded or not.  The whole room was falling in on itself.

"Audrey, do you remember if the woman said anything about where she was staying?" Audrey shook her head softly, her eyes barely open. "Did she tell you that she was going to try and cause trouble for the Headmistress?" Another shake in the negative. The Headmistess was getting impatient, but she stayed quiet while the nurse worked her process, choosing her questions very, very carefully. "Audrey, did the woman hurt you?" Another shake, and the girl started to lie her head on her shoulder. Rochelle looked at the Headmistress and shook her head. "She's gone, Headmistress. I got a few things out of her when you were away, though… Doctor Duke said she was heading out of state…"

Rochelle's words registered perfectly, like liquid filling the room.  It was intoxicating.  I answered each to the best of my abilities, but only with a negative.  Rochelle never stopped smiling.  She never wavered.  I sucked softly at the pacifier and before she finished talking to the Headmistress, I drifted off to sleep.

Rochelle was there by Audrey's side when she woke up - she was in her bedroom, laying on the bed, and she still had the pacifier. Everybody else was at dinner, so it was just the two of them. She smiled when the girl’s eyes opened and gently checked her pulse. "How are you feeling? Staycee will be back soon, I imagine. She was worried for you, but I told her it was best she go to dinner."

The room was still spinning.  I didn't know how long the drugs would last, but it seemed so much more manageable than before.  Rochelle helped me sit up and she kissed my forehead.  I gave her the faintest little smile and nodded. "Thank you… thank you so much… you're… you're the best person in the world…" I wanted to say more.  I knew I would say more later, when I could think clearly.  But for now, that was all I could get out.

"Your secrets are safe. I don't know what they are, but you're a good person, Audrey. And if she wasn't so worked up in making money off you, I'm sure she wouldn't be so passionate. She thinks Doctor Duke is on the run, leaving for good, that she won't be an issue anymore. That may or may not be true, but that's the facts as far as she sees it. That got you some time. And," She pressed her finger to the guard on the back of the pacifier, "your pacifier back, too."

I wrapped my arms around Rochelle and kissed her cheek, though the pacifier guard made it more of a tap.  I sucked softly on the pacifier until Staycee showed up at the door.  Rochelle gave a little wave and left the two of us alone.  Staycee ran over to me and hugged me as tightly as she could.  I put my arms around her, but I could still barely tell if she was real.

"What happened?! What… what happened, with the Headmistress? Are you okay? You got your paci back! You look adorable…" My words were fast and I could tell from the look in her eyes that it was too much; she was hazy and she winced, trying to process the information. "Are you okay? Look at me." I looked into her eyes - her eyes that were identical to mine - and tried to figure out what had happened.

"Um… she…" I tried to come up with the proper words, but the room kept tilting. "Um… she wanted information on that… that woman.  The red hair.  And she… um… took my pacifier to…" Staycee could piece that much together. "She um… kind of… put this… thing in me… Hypno… um… juice…" My vocabulary was shot. "Very… um… unable to… um… susceptible to… should wear off soon…"

She drugged her? She drugged her to get information? I frowned and took a breath. "Did you tell her about the woman? It's okay if you did… you were drugged, you don't have to feel bad… you couldn't help it if you did." She was shaking her head though, smiling almost vacantly from behind her pacifier as though she knew the answer to a question that nobody had asked yet.

"Um…" I kept forgetting what we were talking about, especially when it came to my replies.  Staycee seemed to notice, though, and slowly laid me back down on the bed.  I smiled up at her from behind the pacifier and sucked at it absently. "I love you, Staycee Harper…"

"I love you, too, Audrey Nicholls. I truly do." She closed her eyes and reached out for me expectantly, as a child might for a plush animal. I laid down next to the girl and she cuddled against my chest, her head on my boobs for the very first time. And then, she let out the most content little sigh I'd ever heard. She had her paci, and me, and boobs that I was sure she'd find awkward to cuddle with when she was more aware of things. But she was happy, and so was I.
 

[Pudding]

I love you, Staycee Harper~

We write such gay stuff...

[Sophie ♥]

PART III: What You Leave Behind

The cloth sacks were entirely full.  Staycee was dragging hers down the hallway.  I had more clothes than her, but that came with my only getting one cup size on my chest and the advancement of 75 Liberation chips.  But all that was behind us.  We were done, now.  We were leaving.  I expected a ceremony or a big goodbye or something incredible, but that wasn't the way it worked.  Papers were signed the same way Snow signed hers and Jacinta the week after that.  We were each given an ID card, our proper birthdays and our new names, with an address in North Dakota.  We had no record anymore - our new names were special.  We were new.  Staycee and I signed the paperwork together and waited for the Headmistress to release us.  I knew there were more conditions that went along with my release, but Staycee wasn't aware of those.  
 
We sat together in the waiting room of the discharge office. I knew that we'd be handled individually; it was something we'd been told at the beginning of our last week when we'd cashed in our graduation-level chips. The process was explained and we were prepared. My hand sat in hers on my lap and I looked out the window. The window to outside. God, I'd missed the sky.  Audrey had seen it before I had, on her Liberation excursions, but for me it was the first time since I'd gotten here. It was beautiful. The Headmistress opened the door to the discharge-office and called for Audrey. I squeezed her hand reassuringly and smiled: we were going home.

I stepped into the office in a very expensive blue dress, just fancy enough to cost the equivalent of my blue schoolgirl uniform.  It was a luxury Staycee wasn't able to get, and it made me look remarkable.  I'd be released in this dress.  The pacifier hung around my neck just as it always did after that day. "I know, I know." I took it off and slipped it into my pocket.  There were cameras; the Headmistress wouldn't want it on film.

The Headmistress pushed a script across the table and smiled. She was happy. She was getting what she wanted: her own poster girl to market Mt. Calibeen, to expand beyond the current horizons, to bring the service to new frontiers. It made her tingle. "Familiarize yourself with this. It's what you'll be reading on camera for the crew in the adjoining room. You read your lines, make your statement, show a really pretty smile, then sign your forms, and our relationship will come to an end."

I nodded my head, leafing through the paperwork.  It was simple.  I could do this even without a script. "Headmistress." She looked at me with her arms crossed. "Watch yourself.  If you keep running things like this, you're going to wind up in a place just like it…" I bit my lip and played with the page in my hands. "Rochelle is… worth keeping around."

"I know she is. Why do you think I agreed to let her continue your hypnosis? You needed to be watched over, and she was happy to fill the role." She smiled and nodded to the paperwork on the table; one set of forms on the left were the standard release agreement (and indemnity) and on the right was the contract relating to their arrangement. "With your help, Audrey, we're going to offer the opportunity for paid admissions to anybody who wishes it, just as your parents did. On federal funding, we can help hundreds. On private funding, thousands, maybe tens of thousands. You're a part of something so much bigger than yourself, now, Audrey."

I lifted the pen from the desk and signed the first page.  She'd want me to sign the release in front of the cameras.  I put the pen back down and played with the pacifier in my pocket. "Catherine hated mental hospitals; she knew the kinds of things they did to people.  They would lace her up with pills and shots and take her away.  Catherine would die in there." I wouldn't cry, not in this moment.  This wasn't a moment of sadness. "And I promised never to let it happen.  When her doctors told me what would happen to her, and when she knew… I don't regret what I did, and I don't regret who I was.  I saved Catherine, but you killed me.  Twice.  And I'm glad I'm perfect now, Headmistress, and I'm glad you'll have your spotlight and your facility.  But because of your admissions system, you're responsible for two deaths.  I hope you can live with more."

"Within each seed, there is a promise of a flower, and within each death, no matter how small, there's always a new life." She smiled, smugly, happily, and leaned back against her chair with her fingers steepled. "I took a tiny little life, a useless existence, and I crafted you into something beautiful and brilliant. I gave you a life so much fuller and brighter than you could ever have hoped for."

I bit my lip and smiled. "You're right.  You know, you really are." I fished the pacifier out of my pocket and draped it over my neck again. "And I'm proud of the full, bright life you've given me.  All of it." I popped the pacifier in my mouth and walked out the side-door of her office.  Camera flashes greeted me only before the Headmistress's hand reached out and pulled me back into her office, slamming the door shut.  I shook my head in disarray. "Wow.  Bright…"

"What the hell are you doing? Do you have any idea what photos of you with a pacifier are going to do to my campaign? We don't advertise our practices, Audrey." The non-disclosure agreement was, in-fact, in the release forms she was yet to sign, too. Nobody would pay for this service if they knew the methods. She snatched the pacifier from the girl and smiled, smugly. "Get out there and read only what I gave you to read, then sign the forms, and then we're done and you can have your pacifier back. If you fuck with me one more time, you'll never see it again."

"They'll be so curious." My tone had dropped.  I was pissed. "They just took at least a hundred photos of me with that pacifier.  They'll leak.  It could all be scrutiny.  Maybe you'll get fired for this mistake.  But maybe you won't.  But I guarantee, if you don't put that pacifier back in my pocket, I'll explain each and every one of their questions, and I don't give a fuck what you do to me because of it." I had leverage.  It was a rarity.  I had already spoiled her perfect press coverage - a little reminder of exactly what she was doing here.  But I just wanted to leave.  I wanted out with my paci and with my Staycee.  If she didn't cooperate, she would have a hell of a lot more to worry about.

There was a long, tenuous pause. "You tell them that the pacifier helps ease the swelling in your gums, because we had to do some dental work." Positive spin: she was good at that. She pulled the pacifier out of her pocket and held it back to the girl. "Do we have a deal, Miss Nicholls?" The Headmistress hated being over the barrel, hated someone else having leverage, but she'd make it work.

I took the pacifier and slipped it into my pocket.  I would have a lot of press after this and a follow up segment in two weeks.  We'd discussed it all.  And then, magically, I'd go off the grid.  My file in the papers was Tina Nicholls and Nicholls isn't an uncommon last name.  This was all per our agreement.  I would cut my hair to my shoulders, dye it, and move away with Staycee.  We'd never hear another word of the press again.  But there was something else.  One.  Last.  Thing. "Apologize for what you did to me." She knew the situation, and she knew how little choice she had.  And maybe she wouldn't mean it, but fuck would she say it. "Say you’re sorry."

"You want me to apologize for giving you the opportunity at a new life, Audrey: for connecting you with the love of your life, and for helping you let go of the past? I did something for you that should be considered a gift and a blessing. You're asking me to apologize for that?" It wasn't the words that were so bad, so shocking; it was that she believed it. She had unlimited faith that she was doing good work, that she was helping people. There were some hiccups along the way, but wasn't there always?

"You don't have to mean it, but you're going to say it.  You'll tell me you're sorry for everything you did to me in here.  Everything you did to an innocent, someone the court ruled innocent.  You might not believe the words, and I might not believe them either, but you'll say them and you'll always know you said them and that'll be enough.  It'll be enough that, for one instant, you considered that you fucked up." I put my hand on the door.  The Headmistress just looked at me.  If she didn't say it, I'd just tell the truth.  But I waited. "Say sorry."

"I'm sorry, Audrey." There was so much she wanted to say that followed that - mostly '… that you don't appreciate your gift' or '…that you can't see the big picture' - but there was a lot riding on her giving Audrey this small victory. So she left it at those three words: no buts, no ifs, no conditions. Just the sorry she so desperately needed.

I nodded my head and looked down at my shoes; it was the first time in a year that I'd worn shoes.  I liked shoes.  They were grey and boring and simple, but they were still shoes. "I forgive you." I opened the door and I answered questions.  I didn't lie - I made sure not to.  I held my tongue on the drawbacks of the facility, but I made sure not to lie.  I talked about the advantages I had, and how I was finally at peace with myself.  It wasn't because of the facility that the latter was true, but no one needed to know that.  It was all because of two simple Hypno technicians.

The Headmistress processed me next, taking me in and going over all the forms I needed to sign, as well as underwriting the conditions of my release. I asked her where Audrey was, but she only gave me the vaguest answer: Audrey had some additional steps to complete due to her strange avenue of admission. I didn't know what that meant, but she didn't seem in the question-answering mood. If anything, she seemed rushed. "What's going on out there?" I nodded to the other door and she smiled. "Just some new intakes; you know how it is." I nodded and began to sign my papers, eager for the moment I'd be reunited with Audrey.

Rochelle waited by the exit. "There's a car.  It'll take you wherever you want to go.  But that's the end of it." I nodded and looked out the window at the black car on the road.  I had missed all the trees.  I hugged Rochelle while the reporters photographed us.  There really was no stopping them, but they were too far away to hear.  I kissed her cheek and held her hand. "Don't go anywhere, Rochelle.  This place needs you.  Girls like me need you."

"I hear there's going to be a lot more girls like you soon." She managed a small smile and motioned down the path. "Wait in the car; I'll clear out this circus and then send Staycee out, alright?" Rochelle didn't know how much the young girl intended to tell her girlfriend about the arrangement she'd made with the Headmistress, but that wasn't her business anymore. For all intents, she was never going to see Audrey Nicholls again. Certainly a melancholy moment. She forced a smile, though a tear fell, and she rolled her eyes. "Go."

I went.  I sat in the backseat of the black car for a long time while I waited for Staycee to join me.  The facility didn't seem as daunting from out here.  I fished the pacifier out of my pocket and draped it around my neck again, sucking on the end.  Finally, Staycee climbed into the car and I put my head against her shoulder. "Where to?" the driver asked. "The nearest strip club, would you please." Staycee and the driver both looked at me questioningly.

"Really? We're going to a strip club?" She'd have a reason, I knew that she would; I just couldn't even begin to fathom what it might be. The driver didn't question either. In the distance behind the car there were cameras flashing - just one or two - and I craned my neck to look out the back window but saw nothing. Huh. "She said you had 'odd circumstances in your admittance.'" I decided to let that trail off and see if she'd answer it on her own.

"I told you I robbed a bank…" I watched the trees rush by outside of the car.  The lies I'd told her would need breaking down.  I couldn't tell her everything - I was still bound by law, and I couldn't risk breaking it.  So I told her what I could. "That was a lie.  I killed my best friend." I pushed the pacifier back in my mouth, trying not to think about Catherine.  I tried not to think about the boy I was, as dead as her.  But the Headmistress apologized for what she did, and I had to take that sincerely.  This was the new me, and above everything, I didn't regret it.

"I raped dozens of girls and gave way for dozens more." I didn't mean it as a 'I did bad stuff too' comparison; I meant it more to point out that it wasn't that unusual. Jacinta had killed someone, she'd mentioned once. I didn't know about Snow or Mallory or the other girls, but murder didn't seem too out there. "What's the odd circumstance in that?"

"I was acquitted." I sat forward in the seat and pointed out the window. "That one.  Yeah.  Just drop us out front." The car rolled to a stop and I climbed out the back seat.  I saw the truck, Roger's truck.  I smiled to myself and put my hands on top of my head. "I wish I could explain more, Staycee, but I can't.  I do, however, know someone that can." I waited for the black car to drive away down the dirt road before approaching the car.  The window rolled down and the red haired woman pulled off her sunglasses. "Hey there beautiful girl."

Was this the woman? Blue eyes like ours, red hair, and an affection for Audrey? She had to be. I smiled and held out my hand politely. "I'm Staycee. Nice to meet you." "Oh, I know who you are, cutie. You two should get in. Roger's waiting at home." Roger? Home? Who was this woman? How did she know who I was? I gave Audrey a questioning look as she wandered around to the other side of the truck and opened the passenger door. I was so confused...

The drive would be lengthy, but not so much so.  I wasn't sure how people many Velvet knew in North Dakota, but Roger was certainly one of them. "I'm glad you two worked things out." Velvet smiled in the rear view mirror, then continued with Staycee. "I thought Audrey would have told you…" "I was under contract." "That is so like her." Velvet shook her head and sighed. "So I'm doing it, huh?" And so she did it, and by the time we were at Roger's - I remembered it so well - she'd told Staycee the story: how she was my Second, how we tried to run away and were put into Zero.  She told Staycee all about our escape, and even about how she turned us in.  I sat in silence, watching Staycee's expressions.  The engine died and silence took over.  We all waited on Staycee.

"…you turned us in? We were in love and you turned us in and they wiped our memories?" I was mulling over the words in my mouth, not able to deal with the foul taste that coated my tongue. What the fuck?! "Come on Audrey, let's get out of here." And then… something happened. Something clicked in my head, and I took my hand off the handle, looking down and speaking quietly. "…my dreams were real. The other ceremony…"

I held up the pacifier from around my neck. "I didn't know either, not until I met with Velvet…" "I'm sorry, Staycee, I don't have yours.  You swiped Audrey's during the break-out…" "She restored my memories." "I can do yours too." "Unless you… don't want to…" Velvet turned toward me with a frown.  I bit my lip and looked down at my hands.  It was something that had been on my mind for a few weeks. "Staycee, you're… so well adjusted.  You see me, unable to go a day without my pacifier.  My anxiety and… and you're a lot like me.  Not quite as bad, but certainly worse than you are now.  I can tell you everything.  If you don't want those memories back, if you want to keep being this Staycee… I'll try to fill in the blanks with the best details I can…"

There was another me, a me that existed before I'd met Audrey, a me that knew her… that loved her.  There was a me that was in all those dreams, they were all real. I couldn't look up from my hands; I couldn't look at Velvet, couldn't look at Audrey. "Tell me about me…? The me before?" Velvet looked away; she clearly didn't like the idea of not restoring me, but Audrey looked from her to me with thought. She knew that she could influence me, and I knew she was trying not to. But I needed to know… I couldn't make a decision without knowing.

"I asked that too, asked Velvet if I was a good person." Velvet nodded and I looked over at Staycee. "You knew I was different, but I was still me, right?  You're the same.  You took care of me a lot back then, much  more maternal, because you were a Second when I was a First.  You didn't have your memories after you turned eight." "But you'll keep those, now," Velvet added. "Yeah.  That's why I was always asking questions about your life.  All the hypnotisms they put into you after Second will go away.  You'll be more fragile.  But you were amazing.  As amazing as you are now.  Just… a little different."

It was so much to take in; this nightmare was supposed to be over, it was supposed to be my happy ending, me and my Audrey and the future ahead of us. Nothing else, no more facility, no more people to be accountable to. Life as the perfect girls we'd made ourselves, life as us. Audrey had changed; she'd become free and unrestrained. She smiled, and she didn't want the surgery and she didn't need her fetish. But she did need her pacifier. That was the thing… some things were the same and some were different. I didn't know what to do. "…who do you want me to be, Audrey? Please be honest. Please? Who do you love?"

"Honest…?" She nodded.  I scooted across the seat toward her and took her hands in mine. "You are you.  And I love you either way.  But I want to tell you about the decision I made." I ran my fingers along hers, biting at my lip.  I couldn't have my pacifier for this - I had to talk clearly. "I don't like being this way.  I miss the well adjusted girl I was.  And Phase One and Two without you feel like a dream.  And even most of Three and Four feel like a dream, really.  But if I could do it all over again, I would.  I doubled my memories of you, Staycee.  I unlocked things about you I never knew, time with you I didn't know I had.  And those memories meant more to me than any way I could ever change…"

It wasn't for any reason other than the single most important one, one I couldn't deny. "I'd become the most anxious, nervous, insecure little wreck of a girl and that would be okay if it meant getting back the memories of even a day with you." I got the impression I had a lot more than a day, too. It scared me a lot; a line to cross and I could never uncross it, could never come back: it was my own great below and a one-way trip. "Do it, please. I want to be complete. I want to feel free, the way you did when you got back that day. And I want every single second I spent with you to be remembered."

Staycee was unconscious for days, and all the while Velvet didn't sleep.  She had notebook after notebook of notes with what she'd done to Staycee.  I spent a lot of time with Roger.  I liked that I could talk to him now.  I apologized for that, but he said he understood.  Worse had happened to Velvet, he'd said. "So are you two… you know.  I mean, I know you liked her when she was a boy, so maybe you don't like girls.  Maybe it's rude to ask.  I just want her to be happy, you know?"

He laughed the way that Roger did, the way you'd imagine a viking to have laughed. He was big enough to have done his share of pillaging at the end of the world, too. "I did love Alexander, and that cost me everything." He took a sip of his coffee from across the table and smiled warmly at the girl. "I don't have any regrets, though. That's the thing, really, isn't it? Love doesn't give a crap about the variables, it just happens." It hadn't answered the question, though. Not quite. He stood up, and he wandered to the kitchen drawers, opening the third one and pulling out a ring-box that looked impossibly small in his hands. He set it on the table in front of Audrey and watched her eyes take it in. "I don't love Alexander anymore; that has passed. But I do love Velvet." He hadn't proposed yet; it was a little ways off. But he was planning to, and that sure was something.

"You know what happened with us, then…?" He nodded solemnly and I opened up the box.  It was beautiful.  I wondered how long down the road it would be until Staycee and I got married, and what my ring would look like. "I forgave her.  Staycee won't, though.  She'll wake up and she'll… she'll hate her.  It's how it works.  But when she steps back and sees the big picture, it'll all be better." I closed the ring and slid it back over to Roger. "Thank you for everything, with us, and Velvet and… everything."

"I should be thanking you. Velvet is only free to live her life because of a deal she made with you two as the currency. So thank you, and I'm sorry." He laughed again and put the ring box back in the drawer. He didn't resent the diminutive redheaded woman; he knew it was the only way that everything could work out for everybody. He suspected that Audrey was right, though; Staycee had fire to her. She'd be pissed. "How's it feel to be free, anyway? Velvet told me all sorts of things about that place."

"It's nice, but it's scary, I guess.  This is our life now, but we have nothing.  ID, but no job.  No car, no money.  It's actually kind of a crappy way to put prisoners back on the streets.  But I suppose cutting ties with the facility right away is best for everyone involved.  Still, it’s scary…" I fiddled with the pacifier around my neck, trying to keep it from my mouth.  Roger had seen me using it over the past few days, but I was trying to work through my anxiety without it.

"You're welcome to stay here as long as you need, you don't need to worry. Our house is your house. Although, you might want to discuss that with Velvet once she sleeps." Roger wasn't sure it was his place to discuss the fund that the redheaded girl had been pouring her pennies into for the two young ones, and given she'd been working as a therapist since the two had gone back to the facility, here were a fair few pennies.

"Yeah.  Thank you." It was another two days before Staycee woke up, and it was only then that Velvet crashed.  Staycee came down the stairs like she'd seen a ghost, but only ran to me, hugging me as tight as she could.  I was scared.  Maybe Velvet couldn't fix her, or maybe, if she had, Staycee would be upset that I'd convinced her in the first place.  But that hug… "So… you're alright?  You're feeling good…?"

"We need to get out of here, Audrey. She… she's the reason we were in there!  We were free and we were okay and then she turned us in, she cut a deal with the Headmistress to save herself!" My arms were trembling and my fingers were squeezing Audrey’s hands tighter than I wanted them to, but I was furious! I looked around at the windows of the house, and constantly at the front door, like a nervous child worried that the boogey man could show up at any moment.

"I'm staying." It was a bold statement and one I knew Staycee wouldn't understand. "It'll take a few days, maybe a week, maybe a month, but you'll understand.  That memory, though it was a year ago, is so fresh.  And I know how scary it was.  I was there, too.  But it fades, and you see all the other pieces.  You see the dozen journals Velvet wrote to fix us.  You see the visits to the strip club every day.  And you see all that she's doing now, risking herself.  I almost turned her in, and if it wasn't for Rochelle, I would have.  She might have sold us out, but she did it so we could be safe and us.  She bookmarked us, so no matter what they did, we would never change.  And now we are free.  We have IDs, and we have a home." Pending.

She wasn't listening, she wasn't… she was talking and her words were... were making sense. I shook my head and collapsed on the sofa. And I guess I really collapsed, because when I blinked again it was early morning and Audrey was cuddled up to my chest, squeezed tight against me on the sofa. My chest. Boobs. Oh God… I'd forgotten about those for a moment. I bit my lip and smiled, trying to figure out the order of my memories. It was like I was me - the me I knew I was - and then all the memories since going back in were dropping into place and finding themselves a home. First and Second without Audrey. Meeting her in Third. I smiled again; it was nice.

I kissed Staycee's lips; she was finally awake. "I'm going to check on Velvet, and then we'll go out for some lunch - just you and me - and we can talk." I climbed off the sofa and started up the stairs.  We had a spare room for us - Roger's daughter's old room - but Staycee fell asleep so close to the couch and I didn't want to bother Roger with carrying her.  I knocked on Velvet's door and it opened on it's own, just a bit.  I peered inside.  Velvet was sitting up and reading, and Roger was shirtless and just walking into the on-suite.  I gave him a little wave and sat down next to Velvet on the bed. "Hi…"

Being awake so many hours wasn't good for her, Velvet knew that, but the pages of context and ordering to put Staycee back together, to integrate her first life, her second and her third, without the holes that had been left behind and without tearing her fragile mind apart was arduous. And it had to be done in just the right way. Even after fifteen hours of sleep, Velvet was still exhausted. But she smiled, nonetheless, and yawned at the girl. "She didn't take it so well, huh?"

"She'll come around.  I did." I bit my lip and curled up under Velvet's arm.  She put the pacifier between my lips and it was hard not to smile.  She still knew me.  I pulled it out just to say a my words, then put it back in place. "Roger told me to… ask you about… staying here.  I know Staycee's difficult right now, but… but you're like… you and Roger are like parents to me.  I don't know how that sounds.  I don't mean to be awkward; it's just how I feel, how I've always felt around you, even in Phase One…"

"You're both welcome to stay as long as you like. I was hoping you would." She didn't like to admit it, but as a woman without the capability to reproduce, Velvet had bonded with Audrey - and Staycee, to a lesser degree - as a mother might to her children. "There's a shared trust in the names of Audrey Nicholls and Staycee Harper. Off-shore, private, secure. It's yours. You can use it to get settled here and live here, or you two can go, or whatever. But Calibeen doesn't give its inmates much when they leave - I know that first hand. So I wanted you both to have a leg up on that."

I kissed Velvet's cheek with the pacifier as an intermediate and ran my fingers along her hand.  She kissed the top of my head and we laid there in silence for just a little bit.  Velvet was the best… the best anything I could have ever hoped for. "Staycee and I are going to walk into town, grab a bite to eat.  Can I take twenty out of your purse?"

It was such a maternal thing; she knew she had her own money now, that she could have asked for access to that, but Audrey didn't. She asked for some money out of Velvet's purse, like a child asking their Mom. Velvet smiled so wide it hurt her cheeks and she nodded. "Of course, beautiful girl." There was a lot for her to worry about still, particularly concerning Staycee Harper. But Audrey said she'd come around, and she had faith in the girl. "There's not a lot in town, just a few stores, an ice-cream parlor; you know. But this is your home, so you should check it all out."

The press hadn't found us yet.  I'd need to return to the facility in another ten days for an after conference, and then I could cut my hair and dye it.  I could become Audrey forever and slip away from that life.  Staycee and I could live happily ever after.  I held Staycee's hand as we walked into town, only about twenty minutes out from where we lived.  Where we lived.  I repeated the three words again and again in my head. "Forget lunch.  Let's go for ice cream."

"I've been thinking a lot about what Velvet did…" I hated to ignore her suggestion, but the words had been bubbling beneath my lips for a little while now. "We were fugitives, and we could have gotten caught. And then we…" Click. "I… would have to have gone back. And they could wipe me, and I'd never know who you were." Audrey looked at me and squeezed my hand, the two of us stopping on the sidewalk. "I'm sorry, I mean, I'm rambling. I love you. Ice cream sounds fantastic."

"Mint, please." I paid with the twenty, though the two ice creams only costed seven.  The boy behind the counter was incredibly courteous and gave me extra sprinkles without charge.  I could really get used to living here.  We chose the table by the window, just two chairs, and ate the ice cream with two spoons. "It'll keep happening, Staycee.  With what they have on me now, it'll just keep happening.  More lives will fall apart.  More boys through that system.  More girls like us, with blue eyes.  I hate it.  I do."

"Is it really any worse than life in prison, though?" It was a small solace, but I, at least, had committed a crime. I needed to be punished. Audrey had acted in compassion, and she'd done what only the most beautiful person could ever hope to do. "I don't like the idea of non-criminals being sent there, people like you who weren't admitted by the courts. You should never have had to be there, Audrey." And then, a shy admission, "I'm glad you were, though. I'd never have made it without you."

"That's just not true.  You were amazing.  Then you met me and I got you caught up in running away." I couldn't help but smile, taking a bite of my ice cream. "They helped, I'll admit.  But it wasn't the system or the Headmistress.  It was Velvet and Rochelle and you.  I like the facility, and I like what it does; I just don't like how it does it." I took a deep breath and looked out the window, the blue eyes looking back.  But not mine, and not Staycee's.  I bit my lip and turned back toward my girlfriend. "This is the end, isn't it?  Our sad ending and our happy beginning."

I leaned over the table and kissed my girlfriends lips, tasting the mint with a smile. Without Velvet, without what she did, we wouldn't be here right now. There were so many parts of me that still needed to work through things, work through what had happened, assimilate all my memories and all my experiences. But I had a lifetime ahead of me, a lifetime with Audrey to make the pieces from my shaken-up puzzle fit back together. And they would, now, because I had all of them. "This is our story. No ending, no beginning: just endless pages full of whatever we want to write."

I played with the pacifier in my dress pocket; I thought it best to keep it out of sight of the public, and now that we were here, at the parlor, being watched, I knew I'd made a good decision.  There were no reporters, though, there were no cameras.  There was me and there was Staycee. "I'll write with you forever." Again, I leaned across the table, kissed Staycee on the lips, and returned to the second greatest flavor I'd had in the past five seconds: mint ice cream.  I pointed discretely with my spoon toward the girl at the table along the wall, a book in her hands and an empty ice cream bowl in front of her.  And her blue eyes, her baby blue eyes. "I wonder… what's her story?”

[END]

~~~~~~~~

Oh my gosh it's finally over!!  Please consider supporting us on Patreon!  Please consider reading our other stories in this universe - Lottie and Velvet - found in the opening post of this thread!  And thank you for sticking with us to the very end.  

[Wannatripbaby]

I still haven't read this yet, but shouldn't it (and a few of your other stories like Nightmare Asylum) be moved to the Completed Stories section so that people can find it?