Audrey & Staycee - A Calibeen Story

[Wannatripbaby]

Aaaaaaand this should get us to page 3!

[Sophie ♥]

For the record, anytime you see "~~~CUT~~~", this symbolizes censored content.  We did our best to ensure our edits didn't affect the themes or plot of the overall story, and a full version is always available in the opening post.  But honestly, unless you really want to read about people having sex, they aren't necessary overall.

[Wannatripbaby]

Psshh! Who reads a Sophie & Pudding story for the sex scenes?

[Sophie ♥]

 

Psshh! Who reads a Sophie & Pudding story for the sex scenes?

Right?!  No sex scenes here!  Not from us!  Haha..ha.. haa.. *looks around nervously* 

[Wannatripbaby]

Yup! If there's one word to describe yoir stories it's Wholesome. :D

[Sophie ♥]

PART III: Through the Looking-Glass...

"You look tired, pretty girl. Is something the matter?" Velvet's bubbly voice was airy as ever as she read over a clipboard in her hands and idly chewed a stick of gum. The girl before her looked exhausted and worn down, eyes marked with worry and fitful stress. "Come on, sit up on your chair here and I'll get you ready. Wanna talk about it?"

The whole morning of my third day, I felt horribly lackluster.  I couldn't shake what had happened the night before - how I'd lost my virginity and how I'd reacted with the dress, the same dress I still wore.  Luckily, though, I didn't wet the bed, or my diaper for that matter.  But when Velvet asked me what was wrong, I couldn't help but tell her.  Maybe she could help… "I'm scared that I'm losing me.  Staycee said she'd help, but… I can't tell the difference anymore… what's me and what isn't?"

"I think it's like sea sickness." She was fiddling with the headset suspended from the ceiling as she spoke, her chipper demeanor never fading. "If you focus on something that's not moving, no matter what happens, you won't be sick. Get it, princess? Focus on Staycee." She ran her painted nails through the girl’s hair before wandering over to to the large table - resembling mainly a mixing desk - and began to turn knobs and press buttons, consulting the chart between each adjustment.

"I don't know, that makes sense. I just… Staycee is a product of here.  And I really should be focusing on a product of not here, if that makes sense…" I had no idea how much I'd changed since coming in.  I knew I liked the smell of baby powder now, and I knew I didn't find shame in my dresses.  I knew I'd get frustrated without a diaper for too long, but using it was still beyond me.  But past those things, which I knew weren't me, I couldn't be sure everything else was… "I just wanna be me again.  I was a good person…"

Velvet wandered back over the girl, her stockings swishing as she leaned in close and smiled sweetly. "She took lashings for you, didn't she?" She knew, of course, because she'd overseen the hypnosis segments of the punishment. "Regardless of what she's a product of, or who she is, that girl loves you. She cares about you deeper than she's ever cared about anybody else. Isn't that worth putting a little bit of faith in?"

I smiled a little bit at Velvet and nodded quietly. "Yeah, I guess that's true…" Maybe Velvet was right; maybe things only seemed to be spinning so badly because I kept focusing on different things.  I just had to trust Staycee - she'd keep me safe.  I smiled to myself at the thought and sunk back in the chair. "So… what exactly do you do here…?" I remembered the day before when I was much more content going into the place that got rid of my body hair - at least I knew what was happening there.

"It's directed learning, which is kind of like going to school but much more efficient." The way she spoke about it made it seem so innocent. "Little things like how not to worry about the news or money or world events, how to enjoy playing with toys and drawing and not feel foolish for it. In later phases we teach makeup and fashion and the like." She checked the glasses and smiled with her head tilted to one side. "So I suppose the question is, do you still trust me?"

She was the one playing with my feelings?  She was the reason I was having problems?  I supposed, it only really started yesterday afternoon, after I'd left Velvet's care… "It's your job… so no, I don't." I never trusted her in the first place, really.  I liked her, yes, and I guess I didn't like her any less for doing her job.  But I could never trust anyone in this place… except Staycee.

Velvet smiled regardless and slid the headset over the girl’s eyes and tightened them to block out the light.  She then fitted the earbuds before starting the program. Today was tailored to the conversation; so as well as the reinforcement of Audrey's dependence on diapers - she'd wet without conscious knowledge now - and her desire to be pretty, her need to be a good girl and be feminine, she was written to crave her milk and to react to anxiety and worry by sucking her thumb or a pacifier, a motion that in turn made the worries seem irrelevant. Her trust in Staycee was reinforced over  and over and her desire to impress and win over the girl’s affections became very major. Velvet watched as she leaned against her control desk and wrote notes.

It was so much like before, like I'd fallen asleep, but this time I understood.  She was playing with my head; it made sense now.  But all through the… the… whatever they were doing, I kept one thought steady and safe.  Trust Staycee.  Though when I came out of the haze and the headset was lifted off, that sentiment only seemed stronger.  I knew what to say, now.  I knew I was lost in this place.  I knew I needed her.

Velvet smiled as she lifted the headset away and leaned in close to look into Audrey's eyes. "Wakey wakey. How're you feeling, pretty girl? Staycee should be here in a few minutes. Would you like a lollipop?" Like before, her obnoxious questions were controls and measures to assess the effectiveness of the hypnosis session.

"No thanks… head spinning…"  I decided, unlike yesterday, to stay in my seat after Velvet took the headset off.  I felt in no way capable of standing.  What did that mean?  That they wrote more in today, or different things?  I didn't understand this; so I closed my eyes instead. "You like working here, doing this to people?"

Velvet smiled and jotted down some notes as she spoke - poor initial response to oral fixation indoctrination - and then looked a little bit thoughtful. “My brother was nineteen when he went to prison for something that wasn’t really his fault.  He got stabbed two months into a six month sentence and died.  Violence was so bad back then, overcrowding, disease... it was inhumane.  This is better.  A few short months and even the worst of the worst are rehabilitated.  No prisons, no stabbing, and a 0% reoffender rate.” It was a deep topic that she wouldn’t have gone into, especially not with a patient, but she felt very strongly that this place was a good thing. “I don’t believe in the punishment elements of here, like the memory wiping.  But I do want to help people.  I want to help people like you and like Staycee and all the others who just need someone to guide them.”

I shook my head and finally managed to get to my feet.  I still felt dizzy, so I kept my hand on the chair for support.  Velvet was about my height with her heels, and much shorter than me without.  I couldn't imagine wearing heels to work. "I don't need guidance.  I just need to go home."

"You'll get to, just as soon as the program is finished." She smiled as she stood back up straight and a moment later the orderly let me into the room. "Hey baby girl, how're you feeling?" I was at Audrey's side as quick as I could manage: she looked as though she may fall over in a slight breeze, probably due to the lack of milk.

"Come on…" I led the way out of the room, leaving Velvet and the orderly behind.  It wasn't that I was mad at her for doing her job - I really wasn't, I understood - but I wasn't going to befriend any of the people keeping me here.  They didn't care about me, about Colin, so why should I care about them?  Once Staycee and I got out into the hallway, though, I turned to her very seriously. "Staycee, I can't do it anymore, can't figure out which side is which, and Velvet and this place is going to keep messing it all up.  They're going to jumble me, and when they spit me out again, there won't be any… um… of him left." I couldn't even say my own name without risking a trip to the memory erasing room! "So you gotta do it.  Keep me safe.  Keep me me.  Please… above everything… please…"

I pressed her softly to the wall and kissed her lips, gently holding her by the hips as she looked up into my eyes. "I promised I would, didn't I?" Audrey wasn’t bubbly today, less airy and I wondered if the hypnotism had even taken: she was such a contrast.

I gave a small, very worried smile and stuck my thumb in my mouth, cuddling close to Staycee's body.  What was next?  An hour break, and then… well, it wouldn't be hair removal again.  That was gone.  Curiously, I ran the back of my hand across my cheek: no hair.  I guess it really took, huh?

Thumb in mouth; that was new.  I didn't get my oral fixation until much later; but then again I was a First for a very long time. "How're you feeling? How are your withdrawals?" She hasn't eaten at breakfast and I knew that I wouldn't get off with bruised legs a second time. She needed to start having her milk or I'd be in a lot of trouble.

"Feel weak.  Thass the beth way to put it…" Talking with my thumb in my mouth proved harder than I thought and I took it out to talk to Staycee. "I mean, I just feel like I don't have any energy." I supposed that made sense.  I'd gone three days without food and only had one full bottle.  I actually began wondering if Velvet wasn't the reason for my lethargy - maybe it was just my lack of eating…

We were walking down the hall now, hand in hand, and I bit my lip anxiously. "Your weakness might be because you haven't had anything to sustain you. I know you don't like the milk, so maybe you can have some of my nuggets?" The pain in my legs reminded me what would happen if I did that, but it would be worth it.

I looked up at Staycee with the most sincere heartwarming smile I'd ever given. "You'd… do that for me?"  I cuddled up closely to Staycee's arm, putting my head against her shoulder as we walked.  No one was out, it seemed.  I still found it so strange that we never ran into anyone… I guess the time tables accounted for that.  Staycee and I finally made our way back to our rooms and I kissed her cheek very softly. "We gotta talk about this, huh?  Figure out the whole… milk thing…"

As Audrey spoke I gently lifted my dress up to sit around my waist and tied it in place with a ribbon to keep it off my thighs. My white diaper was tinged yellow but I didn't feel the shame anymore, not with Audrey. "I'll keep getting punished, but I don't mind. It means you'll have less to stress about." The punishment for giving a first some of my food would probably be far worse, though. I elected not to mention that.

I frowned a little and looked down at the floor.  Despite the fact that not only Staycee and me were both in diapers, but every First in this facility, I couldn't look at her without feeling awkward.  So I kept my eyes on the ground. "I don't want you hurt, Staycee… and I can't drink the milk.  But I can't not drink it either…" It was something I learned recently.  Trying to live without the milk wouldn't help - it would only make me worse…

"There's a third option, you know? The milk is addictive, but it doesn't change you. And remember that I don't have the babyhaze. I can take care of you while you're in it, if you trust me. You could have one bottle per day and I'd keep you safe." Truthfully, I didn't know that I could keep that bargain; she was very bubbly and excitable in her haze and saying no would be difficult. But she had to drink.

"I don't want to; I don't like it…" I shook my head in mild frustration.  Why did this have to be so complicated?  Then again, we were trying to exploit a well tuned system… "I don't like not being me.  I know it doesn't change me, but that is time when I'm not me..." I sighed and sat down on the bed next to Staycee, looking up at the clock outside our door. "Maybe a sip… a sip to keep me from going crazy, from that fever again.  That way I'd only spend five minutes… or half an hour… I don't really know how long I was in it last time, but it couldn't have been long."

My head nodded softly in quiet contemplation as I muttered my thoughts out loud. "And I could sneak a few nuggets out of the lunch room. I'll still get caught but it'll take longer." And the punishment for taking food from the lunch room will be added on. I winced a little at the thought. "Just remember we need to throw as much as we can at your Phase One. If you get a high score, phase change will happen much sooner."

I looked over at Staycee with a small, worried smile. "I don't want you getting in trouble… so no food stealing, unless you can do it without being caught.  I mean it." I slid my thumb into my mouth instinctually and sucked softly as I thought about the troubles we'd already gotten into and the troubles that would soon come.

"We're not allowed pockets." I got up and wandered to the vanity, picking out two pacifiers as I spoke. "So it'll be difficult. But I might be able to manage it..." I held both pacis up one at a time to pick out the one that matched best and then slipped it in place of her thumb.

I shook my head and sucked on the pacifier, feeling a little off balance; I wasn't sure if that was from not eating or it was from my time with Velvet. "I dun wan you to try, then.  I'll be otay on milk - you said so." I was still so worried, though.  This was what I was trying to avoid. "Not at lunch… do it in our room oni.  Dat way you can stop me."

I bit my lip and nodded softly. "Okay, uh huh..." I looked exceptionally concerned though and I decided to show a bit of faith in return. "If they don't see you drinking it in the lunch hall, I'll be punished again. I don't mind! I mean... what're a few bruises, right?" My hand slipped into Audrey's and I squeezed. "Do you... think you'd want to be with me when we get out of here?"

"We can talk about it when we weave…" Though, mostly that logic was just because I needed to sort out my own feelings first.  I used to dislike the idea so very much, and now… now I wanted her more than anything.  I needed to figure out which one was me before I could answer her. "You'll get hurt if I dun drink at lunch, even if I drink in our room after ebery meal…?" I didn't like that, and the worry set back in again.  Luckily, though, I had my pacifier between my teeth.

"It's no big deal. They can't do anything to me that would be worth you getting sad over." Rules were rules. Eat at meals. Wear diapers. Never touch them. Do as you're told. Never talk back, never say no. I knew the rules implicitly, backwards and front, and if they wanted to whip me for  defending Audrey, they could.

"Maybe I'll… try a sip at lunch today, so you wun get hurt.  You'll stop me, right?  Or we could do it at the end of the meal or somefin’… I dun know…" I felt myself freaking out, and I sucked the pacifier even harder, curling my legs up to my chest and whimpering quietly.  Too much frustration, too hard to control.

My arms wrapped around her and I cuddled Audrey tightly. I don't know why it meant so much to me that she'd spare me the punishment, but I couldn't help the smile. "I'll take it off you after one sip. Beginning or end of lunch. And I'll smuggle you out some nuggets for when you come out of your haze."

"Nuffin’ dat gets you in trouble, Staycee… please…" I was quivering, though, and I wasn't sure why.  I just wanted her to be safe.  What was I doing?  Jeopardizing her for my selfishness?  What kind of friend was I?  What kind of boyfriend even?  I felt absolutely sick.  Why was I so pathetic?  Why couldn't I save her?

I pulled her up into my lap and kissed her neck softly. "I'm so proud of you for comprising, for doing something scary for me. I wish I were as brave as you, Audrey." My hand ran up the front of her dress and rubbed her tummy softly as I squeezed her. "You make me so happy, you always have, even before I met you."

Our comfort didn't last much longer after that.  Staycee helped me to my feet and I shakily followed her down the hall.  I felt very weak, very dizzy.  I'd have to have at least some milk at lunch or I'd probably pass out… I held onto Staycee for support as we made our way down the halls. "Where am I goin’?  Not the hair place, right?"

"Not the hair place, nuh uh." I held her hand in mine and mostly supported the girl against my body as we walked together. "It's called Softening. They immerse you in a special fluid and when you come out, your skin is as soft as a babies, as soft as mine. It's actually very pleasant." She wouldn't believe me on that, though, I was sure.

I flashed a soft smile behind the pacifier, trying to convince myself more than convince Staycee that I would be okay.  I wasn't sure how I felt about all this - them playing with my body, them playing with my mind.  But making my skin soft certainly wasn't the worst that could happen.  Absolutely not.

When we got to the door I announced who we were to the orderly and the door opened up. I gave Audrey a tight cuddle and smiled. "Softening is really nice, you'll see." I knew part of why it was done was for control, though - we burned very easily in the sun and it helped discourage escape. Still, a hat and some sunblock? It wasn't a death sentence. Inside the room was a large tank filled with yellow liquid and two male nurses standing nearby. "Right this way, Audrey."

I looked back at Staycee with a whimper and she let me go with the nurses.  The door closed, leaving me alone with the two men.  I fiddled with the edge of my dress and sucked the pacifier harder, looking worriedly at my feet.  So they were going to bathe me in some strange liquid?  At least I wouldn't be knocked out this time.

One of the nurses lifted the dress off Audrey's body and then deftly untaped her wet diaper, leaving the girl naked and still looking remarkably feminine despite. Maybe it was her hair, maybe it was her skin or her pacifier, but even despite the penis and flat chest she looked like a girl. They began to attach sensors to her body, her chest and back and to her temples and finally one of the nurses produced an air breather and held it up. "Please remove your pacifier. You'll be able to have it back when today's session concludes."

"I have to go underwater?!" I felt an instant ache of dread as the pacifier was pulled from my lips.  I felt achey all over and my head already swam so badly… I shook my head and looked down at the floor in a mild panic. "I… I dont wanna… not under the water…" I didn't know these people.  They could drown me.  Kill me.  I could die here!

The nurse smiled and handed the rebreather to Audrey. "Try it. Put it in your mouth and breathe. There's no rush. Would you like me to show you, honey?" He slipped it between his own lips and started to breathe, smiling behind it as the other nurse circled the tank. "You'll feel so much prettier after its done, darling. Don't be scared, there's a good girl."

I felt a little warm and tingly at the way he spoke to me; he wasn't scary or anything, he was even very kind!  I put on a small smile and took the mask to inspect it, but it wasn't anything special.  It probably wasn’t something you'd wear scuba diving - a little more medical looking.  I bit my lip shyly and tried to breathe through it.  It wasn't weird or anything - perfectly normal…

At the sight of Audrey breathing through the mask, the nurses looked at one another and smiled, then the first motioned to the tank. "It's just like a fizzy bubble bath. Won't that be fun? You'll feel soft and clean and so very pretty. I bet Staycee would like it if you felt soft and pretty, don’t you think so?"

"I guess so." I looked over at the bath and stepped toward it, putting my hand near it and looking back at the nurse for permission.  He nodded, so I dipped my hand in the strange yellow water.  I expected it to feel slimy or something, but it didn't.  It was very warm, very wet, almost like a bath tub, except it felt like the water was… carbonated?  I swished my hand in it to make sure it would be okay, then took my hand out in mild curiosity.  No noticeable difference. "If I wanna stop, can I?  'Cause I don't like being underwater…"

"You can tap on the glass and we'll pull you out, but the longer you're in there, the prettier you'll become." His words sounded so sweet and sincere, like he actually wanted to help, with no ulterior motive. It was a rarity here.

"Yeah… okay…" I looked over at both of the men, though, and down at my completely naked body with a small blush. "I couldn't wear, like, a bathing suit or something, I guess?" It was mostly to myself, but if the man offered one up, I would very gladly take it.  I wasn't a fan of being watched naked for an hour while I bathed…

There was a simple little smile on the man’s face as he looked at Audrey and took her hand in his. "We actually find that it's the bathing suit areas that you girls cherish most when the procedure is completed." The clock on the wall showed that ten minutes had already elapsed and the nurse motioned to the tank. "Shall we, now?"

I nodded softly, still playing with the bubbly liquid in my hand.  It tingled, but it wasn't in a bad way.  Maybe this wouldn't be so dreadful after all. "Alright, I guess. I just… climb in here?" I looked at the set of stairs - almost like what you'd find at an above ground pool - and looked at the nurse with a bit of worry.  He was really very sweet though.

"Yes, my dear." He took Audrey's hand and led her up to the stairs, waiting at the top, and then helping the girl fit the rebreather apparatus. He fastened a strap to keep it safely in place and then cupped her chin. "You must be calm, and relaxed. Knock three times on the glass when you wish to come out. Do you understand?"

I nodded softly and looked down anxiously at the water.  I couldn't suck my thumb, though - not with the mask over my nose and mouth.  I slowly stepped into the tank of yellow liquid, instantly feeling the buzzing all around me of the carbonation.  It was like swimming in soda, but not sticky… it felt so strange.  I took one more look up at the doctor before stepping completely into the pool.  It only came up to my waist, though.

"Lay down, sweetheart, on your back. Try to imagine you're laying in bed. You're a little lighter than the fluid, so you'll float suspended and immersed without any effort. Go on, give it a try." He'd come down off the staircase now and joined the other nurse as they looked across a panel of information readouts.

"Sure…" But the words came out very muffled and I was certain they couldn't hear me.  I sighed and fiddled with the water until I managed to lie on my back.  There were rings under the water where you could attach things, but I supposed those were for people who didn't cooperate.  I submerged a moment later and the tingling on my legs took over the rest of my body.

The liquid had a few properties - the first was a relaxant absorbed quickly through the skin, not just psychological but also physical, making it very difficult to move but also very difficult to want to move. The effervescence worked silently on the girls skin, washing away a lifetime of environmental development and leaving behind soft pure skin as virgin as the day the girl was born. The process was calming, soothing, relaxing, and all the while the two male nurses watched like proud parents.

The weight of the world, gravity, and all the universal laws all fell away from me.  I hovered in the liquid in mild bliss, feeling the euphoric tingling all over my body.  I never even had the idea to move or to try repositioning myself.  And even if I did, I wasn't sure I could!  It was so… relaxing.  So pure.

Audrey couldn't have gotten herself free of the tank if she'd tried by the time the session came to an end, and by the time the two nurses had lifted her from the tank and wrapped a towel - a soft amazing towel that felt like a cloud, especially on her new skin - around Audrey, I'd arrived to collect her. She was vacant and smiling behind gorgeous sparkling blue eyes. Eyes. I'd forgotten that. I used to have green eyes and Audrey brown, and now we had matching blue. I hoped she wouldn't notice - it was one of the harder changes to adjust to.

"I liked that, I think." I ran my fingers along my arm, feeling the hairlessness, the softness, and the slight tingling the way your fingers do after you cut your fingernails.  I was so incredibly soft. "It just… it felt so relaxing.  I don't know why.  I'm usually terrified of being underwater, and then that." Staycee was leading me to the dining area, though, and a bit of my bliss faded from my features.

"It's probably half of what makes people so pretty here - the Softening. I mean, they make changes in Phase Two and later on, too, but the Softening is a big factor. You look absolutely gorgeous, Audrey." We sat down and I ran my fingernails gently up her skin ~ she was still just wrapped in the towel but nobody seemed to pay much attention.

I think it was the first time I realized, but we weren't going in the same order.  Tim, sitting across from me, certainly hadn't had his Softening yet, and one of the boys down the table still had facial hair.  It wasn't that they refused the treatments - it was that they were in a different order.  The milk was brought out and I looked at it with a mix of contempt and longing. "So… what other… um… sessions are there?  Other than hair and Softening." Which really should go together, I felt.

"It depends on the person, what they need, what they want, and what can be used to control them. They learn what makes you anxious and uncomfortable and use that. By now everybody is starting to want this and by withholding certain treatments they can make us beg for them." I subtly tucked two nuggets into the palm of my hand and continued to eat the others slowly.

"I… don't think I understand.  How does making my skin softer or getting rid of my hair make me more controlled?  It really doesn't change much.  Not like the milk…" I hadn't let my eyes wander away from the bottle in front of me since sitting down.  Things were different today.  It wasn't just about thirst or logic or anything.  I wanted it.  And it was so hard to fight.

"Well, imagine you're here and you've accepted that you're a girl now. You want it, and you wanna be good at it; you wanna be pretty. And everybody else gets their body hair taken away but you haven't - what wouldn't you do to be like everybody else? You'd beg for it, you'd crave it, you’d get obsessed with it." I picked up the bottle of milk and squeezed the nipple in thought. "I wonder what they're withholding from you. You haven't had colors yet, have you? I bet it'll be colors."

"Colors…? What's colors?" I looked a little worried at the thought - it sounded particularly special: colors.  But if they were already giving me the things everyone else would be jealous of… that meant I was winning.  They knew I wasn't broken yet - they knew that I didn't want this, and because of that, soft skin and no hair meant nothing to me.  That I'd never beg.  And that made me feel strong.

"Colors is... well, you know how I wear a lot of yellow? That's because it's my color. In colors they assign you a color and you become attached to it. It's like a favorite but stronger than that, like you'd want something just because it was that color. It's really personal. It's also your shade of that color, nobody here is ever assigned your shade. And your pacifiers and bottles are in your color." I motioned to the room, and sure enough almost every First had a bottle on a unique shade or variant of a color. Except Audrey.

I looked around at the boys in girl's clothes, all drinking from particularly colored bottles, all except Tim and me.  I looked at the clear bottle in Staycee's hand - the one with translucent liquid shining through - and up at her with a small frown. "It doesn't matter.  Why would I care if all my stuff was…" I took a stab in the dark, given the way Staycee was dressing me. "…some shade of blue." And still.  I seemed to care more than I wanted to admit.  That didn't make sense…

"We're not allowed any individuality. Colors is one of the only ways you get to stand out. I mean, look: everybody eats the same, has the same eyes, all assigned to a Second, all under the same rules. Colors is how you define you." The bottle continued to play in my hand and I smiled, the cold nuggets still in my other hand. "Wanna have your sip now? Lunch is almost over."

"Same eyes?" I looked around the room for probably the first real time.  I never really gave anyone a serious look.  But Staycee was right - most of the eyes were a very particular shade of blue: the kind of blue you don't really see in the outside world.  I looked up at Staycee as she asked me if I wanted the bottle, and I really did, but the notion of her eyes being the same color troubled me. "But my eyes are brown…"

I bit my lip guiltily. So much for her not noticing; good job, Staycee. "They were brown." Quick, strategic subject change! "Milk now?" Changing our eye color was something so simple but so effective. And beyond that, it marked us in the outside world.

"What do you mean were?!" It came out a little louder than I intended, and I was a little more panicked than I was proud of.  But I didn't care - not in that moment.  I looked at her hard, into her blue eyes, and asked again. "What do you mean!" Looking away from her, I noticed at least half the people in the room were looking at me, so I climbed up off my chair and bolted out of the dining hall.  I didn't slow down from a run until I found our room, slamming the door open and looking in the mirror.  Blue…

"Stop! Okay. Please? You've read her profile. You know punishing her won't make her more compliant. I'll give her her milk and then you can punish me for her running away, okay?" My words started faint in the hallway, but got closer and louder as I argued with the orderlies on the way to our room. When I finally arrived, I gripped the milk in my hands and looked up at the orderlies. "Please?" They didn't answer, but they looked at one another and then turned away. With a deep breath I walked into our bedroom. "You okay?"

"No!  No, I'm not fucking okay, Staycee!  What the hell did they do to me?!  Where are my eyes?!  These aren't mine!" I was furious… but it was new… I was… panicked.  Scared.  So very, very scared. "Was it the milk?  Was it… was it… I don't know… I don't know how they could even do that!  How did they…" I was crying, though; I was crying really hard.  And when Staycee tried to wipe the tears away I pushed her back. "They aren't my tears!  They aren't mine!"

"It's the Softening. They do it then. The liquid..." I bit my lip and put the bottle down, then pushed the girl back on the bed and climbed on top of her. "Brown eyes. Blue eyes. They're still your eyes. They still show your pain. Your life. Your regrets. Your fear. Your... " - and I paused for this one - "love for me." It was weird to use such a term, but this place had a way of making your emotions so much more... potent. "I think you're really pretty, Audrey. The prettiest girl I've seen in the months I've been here..."

I pushed Staycee off me and climbed off the bed again.  But my momentum was gone, and I was still crying very hard.  So when Staycee stood up to follow suit, I hugged her.  I hugged her so tightly… "I'm not me… they're taking everything… just wanna go… gotta do it now… do it soon… tomorrow… please… can't stay anymore… don't care… please…"

"You need your strength if we do." We both knew what that meant. It meant her having her full bottle of milk. No addiction fatigue, no hunger, no distractions; one last horrible babyhaze before we left. Even Audrey knew it was a small price to pay.

I looked down at the bottle on the vanity with the same longing I had in the dining room, but I wasn't looking at it with my eyes anymore.  I wasn't me anymore.  They were winning, and I wanted out.  So I took the bottle and slid it between my lips, instantly allowing the sensations of the milk to wash over me.  The world turned brighter.  The taste in my mouth continued to flow.  I felt lighter.  And things were easier this way…

I didn't take the bottle away. I let her enjoy it - the addictions once we left would be chronic, unbearable. We couldn't see a doctor: we'd be fugitives - but we'd work it out. I leaned down and kissed her forehead as she lay down on the bed and the orderlies came in. "I won't be long, beautiful." It was an hour later when I was thrown back in on the bed, angry welts covering my back and shoulders this time. Audrey was still in her haze and I looked up at her with a weak smile. "Hey pretty girl."

I smiled happily and rocked back and forth on the bed.  My head was swimming.  The milk was so delicious, and it left me in such a strange, blissful state.  I cuddled up to Staycee within seconds of her entering the room and my lips pressed to hers passionately.  Passionately?  Wait, kissing?  I shook my head a bit and looked down at her in complete confusion.  But that feeling left me a moment later and I went back to the bubbly child I'd been the past hour.

I winced as she squeezed me, but I had to admit the kiss was a great anesthetic. She was blissful as I gently crawled up the bed and lay down atop her body, trembling a little. "Did you miss me, princess? I missed you so much..." She was all I could use to hold onto my sanity as the two men had whipped me, and I wished she were lucid enough for her to understand the value of that.

The rest of the night was a blur.  I think I actually played with the other Firsts!  I guess that made sense - Staycee did mention that after lunch was play time.  I was never interested in it before, but with the haze of the milk after eating, it made perfect sense.  Of course, the haze hadn't worn off by the time dinner came around, and a second bottle filled me up.  It wasn't until six in the morning the following day that I was me again and the diaper between my legs was very wet. "Staycee…? Are you awake…?"

"Uh huh..." My voice was quiet; I'd been awake the past hour or so, steeling my nerves against the anxiety of what lay ahead. Escape. Nobody ever escaped. That's what they told us; 100% retention record. It terrified me. In a few months we could both be out of here, home and free and legal. But I'd already lost this war: Callum was long gone. I guess for Audrey it was harder. Her addictions would be so strong now - cravings difficult to fight - and here we were about to leave this place.

"Can we shower…?" I looked up at the ceiling in the dark room, trying to find any hint of a camera - a red light or the sound of something mechanic - but there was nothing.  Still, they were listening.  Staycee climbed out of bed first and made her way over to the door.  It clicked open without any resistance.  I caught my first glance of the clock on the way out of the bedroom - ten after six.  I felt sick to my stomach as I walked down the hall.  What had I done yesterday… in that haze…

We were first to the showers again and I gingerly untaped my diaper, wincing at the smell, then blushing furiously as a particular warmth overtook me. They'd made me like it. They'd... I frowned and quickly balled up my diaper. "Most Seconds don't still do that... mess, I mean. I'm not so lucky." I felt a conflicted longing in my stomach and my eyes couldn't meet Audrey's.

I wasn't allowed to change out of my own diaper, I knew, with the exception of shower time.  I waited until Staycee had done it herself before following suit, careful not to draw attention.  Today was not a day for attention.  Staycee continued to talk about her diaper and the confusion fell over my face.  I'd been here four days already, hadn't I?  Why hadn't I gone?  Or had I? There was so much lapsing when I was on the milk.

"You know," I made sure the water was running before I continued to speak, "yesterday, you told me you wanted to stay. When you were playing with the Firsts. You told me you never wanted to leave, never wanted to grow up, never wanted to be a boy." The soapy lather ran across Audrey's body as I spoke and thought about everything that had happened yesterday - from her kisses with me to the messy diaper and the proud smile she'd displayed. She was so joyously content.

I shook my head very quickly, closing my eyes tight as the water cascaded down my body. "I don't!  I want out.  I can't stay here, I can't.  I can't be in a place that…" I was crying, though.  So quick to cry… "Please… I want to leave.  I have to…" I ran into Staycee's arms, hugging her tightly.  It wasn't for comfort anymore, though… I pressed my lips to hers a little too aggressively.

"I know, I know." I held her close to my body and then her lips found mine in a moment of heat: heat that made the shower seem ice cold by comparison. She had a certain fire in her red rimmed puffy eyes and before I knew it, I was pushing her to the tiled wall, mashing my lips on hers.

"Gawd, Staycee…" I didn't care how cold the tiles were.  I whimpered and ached and kissed her over and over.  It felt euphoric.  But, like before… like the bedroom… like last night… wait, last night?  It was so blurry.  Still, like then, I couldn't satisfy it… my fingers fell from Staycee's arms and started running up my own thighs.  Not enough…

Where did this lust come from? Was it a side effect of her denying her babyhaze for so long, some kind of chemical miscalculation? I didn't get it. I'd been here four months and never seen anybody act this way. But I didn't complain, even as her fingernails dragged scarlet trails, stopping before my bruised thighs. "You're so beautiful, Audrey." I used to love it when those words were said to me and I didn't know if her conditioning was the same, but I said it anyway.

~~~CUT~~~

"Today's the day." My hands ran through Audrey's hair, her blue eyes staring catatonically at the shower ceiling even as other Firsts and Seconds began to join us. There was no hiding what we'd done, but nobody had a word to say beyond chipper smiles and good mornings. I helped Audrey to her feet and wrapped her impossibly lithe and feminine form in one of the towels before we made our way back to our room. This was going to be messy. Dangerous. But I wasn't without a plan.

I'd wanted to discuss our plans in the shower, but now that we'd left the room there was no hope of doing so.  I was kicking myself for wasting all our time, and still, no regret.  Staycee, like every other morning, dressed me in my iconic blue diaper and slipped a dress on me that was all too childish for a girl my age, let alone a boy.  I didn't say a word, though.  The anxiety was really starting to build in my chest, and without us able to communicate, it would only get worse.

"I need you to trust me." With those words, it meant any failure was on me, any oversight was my fault, and any mistake I was accountable for. We couldn't discuss; we couldn't talk. All Audrey could do was hold my hand as I took her into the hall and began the walk to the phase change room. She was trembling by the time we stood before the door and I kissed her softly, hoping to provide any form of reassurance.

I wasn't familiar with this door and I knew it was happening.  Usually after showering and changing, we'd wait in our room for breakfast time, but Staycee had led me out into the hallway.  This was it, then: this was the moment she'd enact her plan.  And while I wasn't expecting it to happen so quickly, I was glad it did.  If I had to deal with this anxiety all day… I held Staycee hand tight, closing my eyes.  Here goes nothing...

"I don't have a graduation scheduled in the book." The nurse - a frail looking girl with porcelain skin and blonde hair - frowned in confusion as Audrey sat on the bed in the center of the room. "Headmistress Alezansea authorized it at short notice last night." I tried to sound convincing as my eyes scanned the room for anything of use. She looked over her chart for Audrey and frowned again. "She's only had very basic Hypno though. She's yet to be given a color..."

This wasn't going to work.  I trembled slightly, my hand in Staycee's, and looked at the floor with all intent to avoid eye contact with the nurse in front of us.  She'd see through this.  I'd only been here… four days?  Was it really four days?  There's no way she would fall for this - she'd call the orderlies and then... then Staycee and I would be in so much trouble.  I felt sick to my stomach, and it took all my energy not to cry.

The nurse let out an exasperated sigh. "I'll have to sedate her and check. This just doesn't seem like procedure." She turned to start preparing a hypodermic needle and I gently leaned in and kissed Audrey's cheek, whispering, "trust me." When the nurse turned back, I was upon the slender woman, the needle forced from her grasp and taken in mine and then depressed into the side of her neck. She looked shocked and I mouthed softly, "I'm sorry", before easing her to the floor. "There's no surveillance in these rooms. Come on, we have to find the addiction counter. It's a vial, bright purple. I don't remember much but I recall a mini fridge."

She attacked her!  I mean, admittedly, I shouldn't have been surprised.  How else were we going to get past that nurse?  But still, seeing her lying sleeping on the floor… no, Audrey!  Just remember what they did to you.  They are keeping you here!  And it was too late to go back now.  I scavenged the room with Staycee, finally finding a fridge in the corner and opening it to find a little purple vial, just one. "This one…?"

I quickly checked the evidence: purple vial, mini fridge. Everything added up the way I remembered it. The antidote was oral; the nurse had held my chin with the sweetest smile and poured the sticky liquid between my lips, freeing me of the curse. "We'll have to run once we leave this room. Do you trust me, Audrey Nicholls?" We were leaving. We were leaving. We'd be fugitives, always on the run, always watching our backs, but we'd still have who we were. Or, at least, Audrey would. All I had was the now.

"Uh huh…" I was still trembling.  Staycee held the purple vial in her hand - no pockets - and took my hand in the other.  We'd have to run… but run where?  How do we get out?  We didn't leave the room through the same door we came in - there was a different door on the other side that took us to a white hallway - but it was very evident from Staycee's face that she'd never been down here.  We were just guessing now.

"This area is for Thirds, and Fourths are beyond here." Everything I knew now was just hearsay, just repeated rumors and echoes of facts that may or may not have been true. It was like trying to cross the Sahara with a map drawn in crayon. Had they given Audrey her predisposition to crayons yet? I didn't think it pertinent to ask as I tugged her down the halls. We needed to change. We stood out among the more sedate tween clothing of the Thirds who would soon populate the halls after meal time. "Come on, in here." The door I opened led into a room that looked like it belonged to a pair of twelve year old girls - and realistically, it did - with pastel colors and a soft comforter on the shared queen size bed; pair bonding not as vital in this stage, it seemed. "I was going to wait until we got to the Fourth wing to change, but I don't want to risk it. The more we blend in the better our chances." In my head the timer counted down. The nurse would be missed soon, and we were running low on time. But we had to change: no choice.

My thumb slipped into my mouth as the anxiety of this whole situation washed over me, and just as strongly as it came, it left as swiftly.  I stood awkwardly in the middle of the pastel room, looking at the vial of purple liquid on the bed and at Staycee picking clothes from the closet.  We wouldn't get caught, Audrey… stay calm.  But there was no certainty to my thoughts.  

"Here." I hadn't a clue about fashion for a girl outside our age bracket, only really what I knew in school from the memories I still had, but even those were spotty and outdated. Still, the very basic skirts and formal blouses were fairly easy to match up and, despite the fact we both would need our diapers still, we'd mostly blend in. I slipped my dress over my head and then repeated the process for Audrey before handing her the articles I'd picked out for her. "Come on, get dressed pretty girl. We're a step away from freedom. Don't give up on me now."

I dressed as quickly as I could, though I found it difficult with the trembling of my fingers.  But it was like Staycee said - I couldn't break now; we were so close! so I slipped the skirt in place, then the blouse, and tried to flatten the skirt as much as I could over the diaper with little result. "We're gonna make it…" But I wasn't trying to convince Staycee; I was trying to convince myself.

"Yes we are." My hands pressed to Audrey's cheeks and my lips touched with the simplest expression of reassurance I could manage. Part of me wanted to dispose of our clothes, but it would be pointless with the evidence of the unconscious nurse left on the floor in the phase changing room. I took the vial in one hand and Audrey in the other and we re-emerged into the clinically white halls, camouflaged. These were bedrooms. Firsts and Seconds shared a mess hall; it made sense that Thirds and Fourths would, too. Or at least, if they didn't, they probably shared a kitchen, which meant finding the eating areas would lead us to the Fourth wing.

I followed behind Staycee with heightened anxiety.  My thumb replaced her lips the second our kiss broke and I ran down the hallway with her, my free hand laced with hers.  The purple vial found it's way into the pocket of my skirt - yeah, pockets! - and it was no longer a valid concern of either of ours.  Now we just had to find a way out and we'd be home free.

Dorm rooms. Dorm rooms. Classrooms. I hid my frustration as the sense of urgency formed a cold sweat around the back of my neck and I bit my lip. And then I heard it: giggling girls, girls long since past wanting to be boys anymore. I quickened my pace as we neared the doors to the mess hall and took a breath, gently nudging the door open enough to see inside. "Thirds up this end, fourths up the other.  Look." I bit my lip and whispered, "When meal time ends, we'll mingle in and then disperse with the Fourths. Any questions?"

Yes, questions!  How the hell were we going to fit in with those girls when we were wearing pastel colored skirts?  And they all had such long hair, too… Staycee might fit in, but I certainly couldn't.  I felt my anxiety rise higher and I sucked my thumb harder.  That's all it took, though, and I shook my head.  No questions, I guess…

"If anybody asks, we're Thirds and we got lost. Soon as we can, we'll get to one of the Fourth's dorm rooms and change." Things were complicated, messy and… oh great, so was I. Wonderful. I winced as the rush of euphoric bliss washed over me and then took a breath. We can do this. The bell chimed and dozens of girls began to stand up. "Trust me. I love you. We'll make it through this. And no matter what happens, I'll never leave you. Understand?"

I didn't have a chance to reply, though, as Staycee pulled my wrist and we fell into the cafeteria unnoticed.  Were we unnoticed?  I couldn't keep my thumb out of my mouth, and I was sure that would start to draw attention.  I really couldn't help it!  We mingled in with the older group and I felt woefully out of place.  This wouldn't work… it wouldn't...

Next to the Fourths - facsimiles of seventeen year olds, educated on teen vogue magazines, gossip, and a thousand ways to use your new body to get your way - we stood out more than I'd hoped, but as the cliques formed up in the halls we managed to slip by mostly unnoticed. We needed to get changed really badly. If we could look like Fourth's, despite our immature bodies and infantile mannerisms, we might actually be able to pull this off. I pulled Audrey into the first room I could find and closed the door behind us. "Clothes, now. I don't know what girls our actual age wear; I don't remember being a teenager. You do, though, right?"

"I guess…" I went over to one of the closets and fiddled anxiously with the fabrics.  I'd certainly never seen any of my friends wear something like this, though... but maybe a few girls at school.  I picked some shorts - which were very different to boy's shorts - and two different halter tops.  It would probably look absurd - and even a little slutty - but we didn't have a choice.

"Okay. We're… also going to need..." Thirds would start to be wearing training bras, I figured, but most all Fourth's would have the breasts to fill out their cups. I had little puffy bumps, but Audrey had nothing. We'd make do, though; we had to. I fished out a pair of lacy bras in pink and blue from the dresser and bit my lip. Here I was, becoming a woman, not a little girl, but a grown up in the world. I helped Audrey out of her top and tossed my own to the floor, and then slipped the bra straps over my shoulders, fumbling at the clasp in frustration. "…help?"

I hadn't ever played with a girl's bra before, but I didn't find it too complicated.  The only difficulty was managing to take my thumb out of my mouth long enough to clip the bra together.  Just about the moment I accomplished that, the voices outside grew closer and Staycee pulled me into the closet, closing the doors behind us.

In the darkness of the closet, in pleated skirts and grown up bras, diapers hidden beneath and our hands clasped tight, we were both so petrified. So close to freedom, so close to leaving this place. Audrey sucked her thumb and I held my breath as the two girls wandered into the dorm room giggling about some boy band I'd never heard of. Abruptly, they stopped. Our tops were still on the bed. "What's this?" "I don't know. They look like they belong to Thirds." Stay calm. Stay quiet. Stay calm. Stay quiet. "Come on, let's find the Headmistress; maybe somebody got lost. You know how Thirds are." "Yeah, barely out of diapers and completely clueless." The one of the right rolled her eyes and smiled. "Come on." The door closed behind them and I finally managed a breath. We had to run. Just run. I looked sideways to Audrey, her thumb in her mouth and her breathing erratic in the silence of the closet. She hadn’t had any of her milk today. I fished the vial out of Audrey's pocket and held it up in the dim darkness. "Here. Drink up. Then we run."

I nodded softly at Staycee and took the vial out of her grasp.  That was too close.  She was right - we had no choice now.  We had to leave before we were caught, and the sickness in my stomach surely wasn’t helping.  I slid my thumb out of my mouth and popped the plug off the top of the vial, drinking the whole thing down in one gulp.  Staycee opened the door slowly and took me by the wrist, leading me out of the closet and into the bedroom.  And just then, everything started to spin. "Staycee… I don't…" My knees hit the floor next and I whimpered softly, trembling on the soft carpet.  So dizzy…

It had been a set up. A trap. The moment Audrey had hit the floor the room had filled with a half dozen orderlies, followed shortly by the Headmistress. I curled up around my fallen love protectively, possessively, and looked up at the people who circled the two of us. I looked into her eyes, the eyes of the vile woman who kept us here. She spoke with a little smile on her lips: a sense of pride. "Oh my, did you truly think you were smarter than any other child who attempted to leave this place, Little Staycee? We have a zero record for escapees; shouldn't that have told you something? It's such a shame, too. You'd reformed so well, and now to be led astray. Well, don't worry. We won't punish you for this one’s indiscretions. She was just a bad influence on you. She'll be taken away for adjustment, and you'll be put back with a new First, your hard earned top score for the class restored. Come along now." I shook my head quickly and batted at the orderlies, my voice almost a scream. "No! Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you! You're not separating us. You're not! Whatever happens to Audrey, happens to me, too. We stay together!" I'd gotten to my feet now and pushed another orderly away. The Headmistress smiled and stepped forward, cupping my chin and looking into my eyes. "Is that so, little Staycee? Does she mean enough to you to lose everything you've worked so hard these past four months to achieve? Is she worth giving up your fast-track to freedom? I bet with your resolve, you'd be out of here in a few short months." I spat on the woman's face and shook my head. "Audrey is my freedom." "Very well, child. Take them for processing for Phase Zero." The words chilled me colder than I'd ever felt, but nothing felt colder than knowing I'd let Audrey down. That when she woke up, we'd be in Phase Zero - whatever that was - and she'd know I failed.

Before I’d even come to, Staycee was on top of me and hugging me tight. "Audrey, Audrey!" I whimpered and opened my eyes to the brightly lit room, sitting up on the examination table in a dizzy haze.  The… vial made me pass out.  And now… and now we were caught?  I looked over at Staycee; she'd been crying. "Staycee… I…" But I didn't get another word out before a woman came in wearing a very fancy dress suit.  Her brown hair was tied up in a bun and she had two orderlies following her.  Looking around, I noticed we were in an all white room.  There were two doors and the table which both Staycee and I sat on.  I looked at the well-dressed woman questionably and then over at Staycee.  She looked so defeated… "You let us go right now!  Let us go back to our room!  You can't keep us here!"

"Oh, Audrey Nicholls…" The woman shook her head, her voice dripping with the same tone a parent uses when they're 'not angry, just disappointed' and it was somehow a thousand times worse. I couldn't look up at her. I couldn't look at Audrey, either, knowing I failed her. "We had such high hopes for you. After what you did, child, your rehabilitation would have served as an iconic moment for our facility. You were to be our poster child, our success story." I looked up at that, my eyes glancing from the woman to Audrey and back again. What had she done? She'd never told me why she was here, not honestly. "So much was riding on you. We put you in the care of our star pupil, a child who'd rebelled and learned her lessons and strived to be the best. We made her cherish you, desire you, choose you above everyone else, so you’d stand a chance.  We gave you the best possible circumstances to shine and you threw it all away."

I felt the color drain from my face and the sickness washed over me all over again.  Catherine.  Those memories, the one's I had tried so hard to shut out, came flooding back in… but I wouldn’t give this woman the satisfaction.  She couldn't play with us this way - we were human beings, whether rehabilitated or not. "Well I'm sorry I couldn't live up to your expectations," I spat, though my voice showed no hint of apology. "I'd like to go back to my room now."

"Oh, my sweet child, you're not going back there, not for a long time. You're going to Phase Zero for your misdeeds. In fact…" She smiled with a hint of satisfaction and then pointed a little remote at a screen on the wall, my speech from the dorm room playing out for her to see. Audrey is my freedom. "…you both are, it seems." I gently reached my hand over to Audrey's knee and fussed for her hand. I was scared, I was so scared. Phase Zero was the punishment beyond memory wiping. What could be worse than that? What could be worse than losing who you are?

"She didn't do anything!" I panicked at seeing the video… at seeing what I’d dragged Staycee into.  I knew she loved me, no matter what the woman said, no matter what the facility had done to her.  I didn't want her to leave me, but this wasn't her punishment.  I shook my head and stood up off the table, heading straight to the woman in the suit.  Both orderlies grabbed me, though, before I came anywhere near her. "Staycee doesn't deserve this!  She doesn't!"

"She chose this, child." The woman looked quite satisfied with herself and smiled. "Don't worry, though. After Phase Zero there won't be anymore outbursts, any more indiscretions, no more rebellion." I felt a chill down my spine and I spoke softly. "It's my fault we got caught, Audrey. I promised you I'd stay with you, and I'm going to keep that promise. No matter what happens. I love you. They can't take that away." "Be careful child. I'm sure you of all people are aware of what we can and can't do." I winced and looked down. "Please don't take it away… she's all I have…"

I looked over at Staycee then up at the woman, and for the first time since my arrival it really dawned on me how little power I had.  Even without two orderlies holding me back, I felt so… weak.  I bit at my lip and looked up at the woman in the suit… "Please, don't do this.  We'll be good - we'll follow the rules - I promise…"

"Yes you will." She was so smug, so certain, so confident: feelings we barely even remembered as faint distant recollections. But she held all the cards. "You'll be an interesting experiment. Usually Phase Zero's are alone. You'll remain as a pair, permanent infants, confined to a crib, fed, changed, and taken care of like any other newborn. You'll forget how to walk and how to talk. You'll use your diapers without any conscious thought. And when you're done, you'll know nothing else." I shook my head quickly and stood up, tears streaming down my cheeks. "Please!! Don't, please… please, not Audrey… she's so beautiful. Please don't do this… please…" "Oh, Staycee, don't you see? You're to blame for her fate. If you hadn't entertained her fantasies of escape, this wouldn't be happening. Always remember that, and never forget: you failed her." The words were so hard, so heavy, and I collapsed on the floor under the weight in a cascade of resigned tears. She was right.

I pulled away from the orderlies and hurried over to Staycee on the floor.  I shook her and put on the best smile I could. "I don't blame you… shh… I don't.  I swear, I don't.  You didn't fail; you did what I wanted.  You tried.  I'll always love you for that…" But before I could give another word of comfort I was pulled away from her and she was pulled to her feet, both of us restrained by the orderlies.  This would be it, then?  I couldn't let it… "Please… please reconsider.  The fear is enough.  You won.  Please, just… just let us go back to our room and we'll be good."

"During your escape attempt, you assaulted a staff member, broke numerous rules, stole not once, but twice from other students and brought a great deal of shame to our facility. Phase Zero is your only fate now." I spoke softly and tried to hold back more tears. "Will… you erase who we are?" Her smile was cold, and despite her shaking her head no, I felt significantly worse. "In Phase Zero, there's no hypnosis, no easy way out. You'll know who you are; you'll know what's happening. And over time you'll accept your new existence naturally. We find it's more… effective, that way." She motioned to the orderlies who restrained us and they began to drag us both away. "You were to be our shining star, Audrey. And I’ll make sure you are."

The woman in the suit left through one door and we left through the other, still being dragged along by the large men.  I kicked and screamed.  I tried so hard to get away, but nothing worked.  I wasn't sure why I expected it to.  But the next room we came to was just another white room, so similar to the one before, except this one had men in lab coats and an extra portable table. I kicked and screamed louder as they separated us, leading Staycee to one table and me to another, flattening us down and restraining us in place. "Let me up!  Let me go!  Don't do this, please, please!" It wasn't until I was lying down and the tears touched my ears that I realized I was crying.

"Hush now." The stout man in with ivory-trimmed glasses carefully drew the plunger back on the needle and then squeezed it a little, a jet of liquid spurting from the tip. "We call it Shallow. It's a particular mix of agents that will cut away your higher thoughts as you attempt to form them." I didn't know why he was explaining; maybe he was proud of it, but all I could manage was to buck and pull at the restraints on the bed as he approached my side and slid the needle in. "Stop! Please! Plea…" I fell still, an airy smile on my face as I blinked and tried to remember what I was so upset about. Thoughts faded into monochrome in the distance and all I could think about was the delightfully warm feeling between my legs. The pudgy doctor looked at Audrey and then tussled my hair. "So much better this way, don't you think? Quiet. Calm. Peaceful. Docile. Obedient."

I couldn't stop crying. "Give her back!  Make her normal!" I tugged on the restraints, a blubbering mess on the table.  But Staycee had stopped crying.  She had stopped trying to protest.  She was gone now… "Please… please give her back… please, please, please…" I continued to sob on the bed as the doctor approached me. "Please..."

"She's still in there; don't cry now." He was preparing the needle as he spoke and his voice was almost calming. Almost. "Shallow isn't a barbaric process. It's not hypnotism. It's not removal of memories. She's subdued, half-asleep at all times, as though it's always just after waking up." He gently swabbed the crook of the girls elbow with a cotton ball of alcohol and then traced the needle along her arm in a manner that was almost… seductive. "You'll be unable to feel sadness, upset, regret… you'll stay in a state of shallow bliss. Won't that be so wonderful?"

I shook my head back and forth - it was the only motion I could pull off.  I couldn't stop crying, and the man above me wouldn't stop smiling. "Please, please… let me go… let us go.  Please, don't do this…" I'd lose me.  Just like that woman in the suit said… this thing would make me go away and I'd… I couldn't… I had to get up, get out, escape.  I had to leave, to save us… and despite my hysterics, despite everything… I was helpless.

The needle punctured the tiniest of holes in Audrey's soft white skin and the drug began to course through her little form: invisible hands in her mind kept anxiety, stress, worry and all other mental maladies at bay. Dizzily, I reached my now unstrapped hand across and took Audrey's with a little smile. "Take them to the Phase Zero room." He turned back and put his hand on Audrey's cheek with a proud smile. "See you in a year, my sweet."
 

[Wannatripbaby]

Once again, excellent chapter... I assume.

[Sophie ♥]

That ended Phase One btw, so now I'm moving onto the next section.  I'll post it shortly.  

[Wannatripbaby]

And there was much rejoicing.

   Yea.

[Sophie ♥]

RESET

PART I: ...and What Audrey Found There

Everything was constant after that day.  There was always a bottle every four hours.  There were always the four cribs in the large, brightly colored room.  There was always Nurse A or Nurse B who came in to feed or change us.  There was always a play mat where I could sit and fiddle with blocks, though I always had to wait to be let up.  There was always the warmth every time I would unconsciously wet my diaper and there was always the smell when I’d messed it.  There was always the sensations of shame and fear, but they always lasted only a moment.  There were always four of us, always me, always Staycee, and always two other girls.  Always this.  And one day, it wasn't.  And I woke up not in my crib, but in the white room again, and I was crying.  I knew immediately, though, that something was out of place.  I felt - I actually felt things - and it only made me cry harder.

"...her atrophy is within the expected range. Emotional response, too." The man and woman who'd walked in continued their conversation as though Audrey wasn't even there. "I'd say she's a successful Phase Zero conversation." "Wonderful. Please bring in the other one." The man smiled curtly and disappeared while the woman approached Audrey and smiled down at her, her tone of voice sweet and singsong. "How're you feeling, sweetie? Your friend will be along in a minute. My name is Doctor Keys."

I sucked the pacifier in my mouth as I continued to cry, but the woman in front of me didn't scare me.  I felt a lot of things - mostly the fear and shame of the past, however long coming back tenfold - but she didn't invoke any response.  She was just another doctor - so many doctors, here - and so I gave a small wave with my hand before beginning to wring them again.  I didn't know what to do with all these feelings… why were they back?

The questions continued from the woman - mostly meaningless control questions to measure cognitive response and nothing important - but Audrey never gave much more than a shrug or a nod. The door whooshed open and I came running in, almost falling over as I wrapped my arms around Audrey. I sucked my pacifier furiously and squeezed ever tighter, so afraid that she'd been taken from me. My head was swimming and my thoughts didn't work the way I wanted them to, so by the time I spoke behind the pacifier all I could manage was. "Awd'y..."

I hugged Staycee tight.  I didn't understand, though… we'd shared a room for days and we barely hugged or even bothered with each other.  We were still friends, of course, we’d smile at each other and I’d always choose Staycee over the other two girls when we could be social, but it never went past that… and now… now it was so different, so much more.  And though my head still didn't work right, I remembered vaguely our time before this, when we'd kiss in bed: we were so happy… and then it was all gone…

Emotions that I hadn't felt in time immeasurable overwhelmed me and when I finally let go of the cuddle I realized I was crying. "I..Awd'y..." Feelings were so heavy. The two doctors in the room didn't even factor into my thoughts: just Audrey and me. I loved her. I loved her so much. And then these past weeks were so... empty, so hollow, so meaningless. "Wuv you..." The smile I shone was bright, but the guilt was beginning to show through. We got caught. Phase Zero. My fault. My Audrey. I'd never fail her again.

I didn't let Staycee go.  I hugged her so tightly, holding her against my chest.  My Staycee.  Us.  We were us, Audrey and Staycee again.  Not whatever we were before… not what we were in that room with the cribs.  Another wave of shame washed over me as more flashes of memory appeared beneath my eyelids and I started to twist my fingers together again.  I couldn't stop crying… but did I want it to?  We were us now.  We were free.  But we weren’t the two girls who’d tried to escape.  How us were we?

Audrey didn't talk.  She held onto me as we cuddled and then clung to my arm as I turned and spoke to the doctors. "I staying wif Awd'y. Otay?" I stomped my foot, a little frustrated at my new speech impediment. "I say'd otay?" It was hard to come across stern, but the lady doctor smiled and nodded. "Oh, don't worry your pretty little head, my love. You're going to be staying together for a very long time. Now come along, you two will want to meet your new Second, right? She can get you changed and cleaned up and explain the rules. A few things have changed in the year you've been Zeros." I nodded softly and then went wide eyed. A year?! A year... it couldn't have been... only a few weeks at best... she was lying!

I looked over at Staycee with a very worried expression, shaking my head.  It was a lie.  Had to be… couldn't have been… a year was like… three hundred days.  It wasn't that long!  It was just a few days… maybe a week… right?  But my head was still so cloudy, and I had trouble keeping my thoughts clear.  I was still crying, though, when Staycee helped me off the table and I sucked the pacifier for comfort.  Had to be a lie… had to…

My hand squeezed Audrey's tightly as we were led into the hall and I whispered softly in her ear. "Is otay... is otay. They can' hur' us. We us. Uh huh. We us. Jus' bad dweam. Wuv you." Every word of my voice made me believe it less. I could barely speak, I was diaper dependent, and my legs ached from the strain of walking upright. But I had to be strong! Be strong, Staycee. Audrey hadn't spoken a word and I felt my worry rising, but I had to stay calm. For her. "You may be in Phase One for a year or longer; we like to run tests after Zero, help pave the way. Progress. If zeros turn out to be effective, all patients will start as zeros. Isn't that exciting, girls? You're paving the way for future progress." I wanted to hit the male doctor. He needed to stop talking, or I might. But all I could do in my current state was squeeze Audrey a bit closer.

If we worked out, everyone would start this way?  But wasn't their system good enough?  They had such a high success rate, didn't they?  And there couldn't be that many people who had to undergo Phase Zero.  Even Tim didn't have to… oh, Tim.  He'd be out of here by now, if it had really been as long as they said.  Everyone I knew… all my friends… no, Audrey.  You barely knew them, and you still have Staycee.  But the idea that our success meant everyone would have to suffer the way we did… but maybe it was better.  If I'd just done this in the first place - if I'd learned the way Zeros were taught - I would have been a better First…

The room we came to was so similar to our own but for the fact it had a full sized bed instead of a twin. Three of us; us and a Second. I remembered how easy it had been to fall for Audrey and winced - would our new Second fall for her, too? That was not happening. Audrey was my girlfriend. We were left alone and as soon as the door closed I dragged Audrey to the bed and sat her down, taking a deep breath. "Is okay. Is okay. I..." Focus. No paci. "W..w...l...l...love. You." I was so proud to have been able to form an unimpeded word. It shouldn't have meant as much as it did, but it did. "Talka me? Or you forgets how? Is otay. I teach you, uh huh." And the first lesson was a kiss, an adult kiss, our kiss.

I smiled a little bit and looked at the paci hanging from my shirt on a little clip.  I wanted it back in my mouth so badly, but I liked the kiss with Staycee.  "I wuv you too, Say-see." My voice was so meek, so horribly… lost.  I couldn't even remember the last time I spoke, and my throat actually hurt from making a sound.  I remembered Staycee used to talk a lot, but never like an adult.  It didn't matter in Phase Zero how we talked, and it was so much easier to talk like a child - no grammar, no structure - and especially when our higher thoughts were locked away.  And now, it seemed, it had become habit.  But no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many tears came to memory, no matter how much blubbering I’d done, I couldn’t remember talking.

The timid tone of Audrey's voice was heart-wrenchingly bittersweet - even hearing her talk sparked a burning fire in my chest: knowing she was still okay, that she was still my Audrey. But that emptiness, that hollow, echoing emptiness… I put my hand on her cheek and guided the pacifier back between her lips. "Twust me, Awd'y. Nuffin's changed." We were being recorded constantly and it was obvious to me that our carelessness had gotten us caught previously. I had to be subtle, but I hoped she got it. I hoped she knew that we weren't going to spend a day longer in this place than we had to. Firsts for a year? Repeated over and over and studied and watched and used… it wasn't happening. It wasn't.

I sat down on the bed - was it a bigger bed or was that just me? - and fiddled with my fingers again the way I had in the white room: the room with the lady.  Had it really been a year?  Was I older now?  Seventeen, I'd be, right?  I looked up at Staycee with a bit of concern and sucked the pacifier; but she looked so similar, or maybe the changes were too gradual.  But there weren't any mirrors in Phase Zero.  I hurried over to the vanity and sat myself down in front of it, and... wow, was I surprised.  It wasn't the same girl staring back at me anymore, or whatever remnants of… um… my boy self.  What was his name?  It was Audrey now, with her bright blue eyes, stared back at me below a tuft of bangs.  My hair was still sandy blonde the way it was when I'd come in, but it was longer now, much much longer.  My hair touched my shoulders - just barely - and I knew in that instant it had to have been a year.  A year of my life, gone… and a year left here, just as a Phase One.  Would there be more years for the other phases?  When would I leave?  Would I leave?  I felt tears sliding down my cheeks again.

Standing behind Audrey at the mirror, my fingers tussled through my own hair and I looked keenly at the little details. My softened skin, my blue eyes; familiar things for as long as I could remember, which admittedly wasn't very far back. But there were little differences, little blemishes that had been removed over the course of the time. We had very strong milk addictions, and I knew we'd be craving soon, but I also suspected the milk we had in Phase Zero had some additional features over the usual. Like that drug, - Shallow, they called it - I knew, was in the Zero milk. I was still me, though. My hand found its way to Audrey's hair and I played lazily with it as I stood behind her and noted that she was messy - after a year it wasn't something the either of us could find any humiliation with, though. And it didn’t matter, because I was too. I picked up the hair-brush and slid open a drawer, delighting in the sight of blue ribbon, and gently began to style Audrey's hair. "You so pwettiful, Awd'y. So pwetty…"

"Uh huh…" It still hurt my voice to make any sounds at all, but what hurt more was the realization that it had actually been a year of my life since I'd gone to Phase Zero, a year since I'd come here.  And now I was sitting here, sucking a pacifier, wearing a shitty diaper, as a girl, and not thinking twice about it.  Who was I supposed to be, because this couldn't be it.  This couldn't be the boy who came in here a year ago.  Where'd he go…?

"Awd'y sad…" I twirled her around after weaving the ribbons into a set of pretty pigtails and looked her in the eyes, in those gorgeous sparkling blue eyes. "I l…love you. An' you wuv me. Nuffin' else 'portant. Love you. Wuv me. Otay?" She looked away despondently and I cupped her chin, trying to look confident in my words, or at least more confident than I felt. My head was swimming in an ocean of treacle; we had to get out of here, we had to break free. But we'd planned so carefully before and… except we hadn't. We were reckless, careless. We played our hand too openly and it was my fault, but we could make it work this time. So much would depend on our Second, though.

"Wuv you t-" But the next moment the door opened and my voice was silenced, leaving the last syllable unachieved.  The girl who wandered in was taller than us, and was infinitely more boyish than Staycee.  Realistically, it wasn't a fair comparison - Staycee had been here a year already.  The comparative view made me all the more anxious.  Had I changed that much, too? "Hello girls - I'm Cass." She smiled widely, looking far too pleased with herself.  Or maybe like she was happy to see us - maybe this wouldn't be so bad.

Audrey went completely silent in the presence of another person and I made sure to put myself between the newcomer - Cass, our Second, I gleamed from her attire - and my Audrey. "Hewwo Casth. I'm Say-see an' this is Awd'y." I motioned to Audrey and silently confirmed the impediment. How was I ever going to function in the outside world sounding the way I did? It seemed selective, though - habit built and not pathological - so maybe I could break it. Cass was bigger than the two of us; she was an early Second without the benefit of the facial shaping that most every Second was subject to.  Maybe it was what they were making her beg for? She seemed chipper, though, and almost friendly. She'd help us, she would.

"Hello Staycee, hello Audrey." She'd clearly been briefed, since I had barely understood Staycee's speech in the slightest; in no way did I expect Cass to have understood.  She explained a moment later, though. "I chose the two of you.  You were Zeros, so my job is basically done, plus I get a bigger room.  And finally a bigger bed.  If you stay out of my way and do as you're told, we won't have any problems.  Otherwise you'll regret it.  Whatever rules you think you know about Seconds, you might as well wash away.  You two are a special case, and that makes me special too." So much for not being so bad.

I frowned a little and shook my head softly; she was intimidating Audrey and I didn't like that at all. "You gots follow rules. Or I tell on you an' you'll get twouble." It didn't come out nearly as firmly or as scarily as I'd hoped it would, but I felt like I'd got my point across. "An' I know bout bein' Second 'cause I one…" Was one. I was one. It was a minor detail, though. If she tried to hurt us, if she tried to threaten us, if she stepped outside her little defined world of rules, I'd bring down hell upon her. "They can do bad stuffs Casth… like take yer memories… whoosh. All gone, uh huh. So… so be a good Second an' take care of us."

Cass very clearly wasn't amused and I sulked back in the vanity chair, a little frightened.  She took a step closer to Staycee and cupped the girl's chin in her hand.  Cass was at least three inches taller, which made her over half a foot taller than me.  I didn't dare stand. "A Second's job isn't to take care of you - it's to make sure the Firsts become helpless babies.  And you're already there.  I've done my job.  And with two of you here, I have higher authority than a Second.  I’m sure if something were to happen and I had to discipline you, it would be understandable." Her voice was quiet, but so very rigid.  Then she let go of Staycee's face. "Cooperate.  Or I'll make sure you regret it."

I looked away, my eyes drifting back to Audrey with an apologetic glance before debating in my head over whether or not to continue this matter. "Not scare' you, Casth…" To be honest, it was a lie.  Cass really did scare me. I felt so little, so small and she was so much bigger than the three inch difference. She wasn't broken like I was and she didn't have to stay strong for two like I did. We had to work together, though. We had to at least ensure that Cass didn't get in the way of my plans to get out of here. Whether she helped or not… well, that was probably unlikely. "You gots change us pease…" I didn't think I'd ever be able to feel such a level of humiliation; I didn't care that I was messy but the fact I had to ask to be changed… my cheeks were on fire.

"I don't do that." She said it very obviously, but almost with a sense of relief.  Clearly, it was something she wanted very much to avoid. "The Headmistress says you two change each other.  I don't really get it, but I wasn't about to complain.  I dreaded the idea I'd have to change some boy's shitty diapers when I became a Second.  This job is a blessing." I looked a little concerned, from Cass, then to Staycee.  She was looking at me too, just as confused. "And since I'm not really big on this whole thing, I'm gonna leave the room.  Just hurry it up, kay?" She gave a small wave and walked out the door.  It was so strange watching a girl in a romper act like such a bitch.  Was I like that when I came into this facility?

"We girls!!" I huffed with balled up fists as the girl left the room with a casual swagger to her walk. Did I really get so indignant at being called a boy? What the hell was with her, anyway? I frowned and looked at Audrey and then at the baby blue comforter on the bed. I didn't mind changing her at all; the thought triggered left over programming from my pre-Zero time and I had to fight to suppress the blush. But the idea of Audrey having to change me: I didn't wish that on her.  Maybe I'd just change myself - that was a good idea. "Awd'y. I change you. Then I change me. So you dun' gots deal wif messy die-dee. Otay?"

I looked at the door again before back at Staycee, biting lip and shaking my head. "Dare's a weason.  I dun know it.  But… but dey want us to do it.  Me and you.  Bu' why…" I bit my lip and scooted a bit in the chair, the mess in the diaper shifting and I quickly got to my feet.  Regardless of 'why' it still had to be done; I couldn't stay in this diaper anymore.  So I made my way over to the bed and laid down.  Both Staycee’s and my diapers were white - I guess that was the way Zeros were.  Cheaper, maybe.  And I still wasn't assigned a color…

I'd changed Audrey’s diaper before, and though it felt like a lifetime ago, my muscle memory didn't seem at all diminished by the passage of time. I wandered first to the closet and smiled at the little rainbow lineup of diapers, picking out the same blue I'd adored wrapping around Audrey's thighs in our time together, as well as the tub of wipes and a container of baby powder. This was our routine now: I'd change her diapers - they'd be messy most every time - and I had to show her that she didn't need to be humiliated by the process.  I gingerly began to untape her diaper, my cheeks burning crimson at the aroma. Why this… why this fetish? Why give me this? It was so gross… so gross… and yet I had to fight to keep my breathing in check as I cleaned up her perfectly milky skin. I had to distract, had to talk. "I dun' mind Awd'y. Pwomise take care you. Uh huh. Die-dees no big deal."

I'd never been changed like this - never messy, never aware - and I couldn't help but feel the shame creep up on me the way it didn’t in Phase Zero.  I just wanted it to be over; I wanted the blue diaper to be taped between my legs, and I hated myself for wanting it so badly.  I kept the pacifier in my mouth as I talked softly. "I know.  I juss… I wanna unda'stand.  Wanna figger dem out.  Why have uth change each uvver when Casth could…" Wasn't it her job?  I didn't understand Phase Two.  One was very obvious: One was to take all our preconceived notions away, to reset us.  And Two was about…

"Dun' like Casth…" I taped the blue diaper into place after a proper sprinkling of powder and gingerly balled up the messy diaper and wipes, smiling to myself proudly that I'd managed not to show my arousal. If I ignored it, it would go away, and she'd never have to know. "She lyin'… rules for Second say tha' Firsts are our world an' tha' we judged by our Firsts. S'pose make us maternal… wike… wil' girls wif dolls?" I looked down at my own diaper and bit my lip. "I do it, is otay. Dun' wan you see me all messy…"

"Dun wan’ get in twubble." I frowned, arguing her point.  I didn't want to; I really didn't want to.  The idea of changing Staycee, seeing her naked, and especially while she was covered in her own mess… I felt almost sick at the thought.  But if it was what the facility wanted, then they had a reason, and our disobedience wouldn't end well.  I went to the closet and closed my eyes, trying to think of Staycee's color - yellow, wasn't it? It was so long ago. I grabbed a yellow diaper - just a couple shades too bright to be hers - and made my way back to the mattress. "I guess dat make sense.  Da doll ting, I mean.  But wa about all da girls who are mean.  You was nice wif me, but most aren't.  And day dun' get punished." And then it clicked.  Seconds are judged by their Firsts: of course they'd want their Firsts to behave.  But Seconds also just got their first inkling of control in who knows how long.  To think they wouldn't abuse that… and it certainly made for effective treatment.  I mean, I got the only nice Second and I was the one that wound up in Phase Zero.

While laying on my back with my eyes fixated on the ceiling above, I felt very anxious. She'd seen me naked before - I'd been inside her on more than one occasion, and that was all well and good - but this was different. I'd managed to avoid having her see me messy, and though in Zero she had been there for countless changes, she never seemed to take notice. Now she was doing it. Talk. Distract. It'll be over soon. "Dun' like mean Seconds… I could neva' hur' you…" And maybe that was why we were here. "Thaythee wath bad Second…" Third person, really?

I kissed her lips once and gave her a small smile before putting my pacifier back in my lips.  It almost hurt to be without it.  I couldn't fathom losing it; I never wanted to be a Second… "I happy.  You wath gwate Second." Maybe not to the facility's standards, but she was better than any other Second in this place, probably better than anyone who entered the doors.  So I took a deep breath and grabbed the wipes and powder, untaping the diaper in front of me.  It was bad.  I mean, I guess I knew what to expect, but it was still bad.  I wiped clean the girl in front of me, though I admit being mildly surprised when seeing her naked.  She was inside you, Audrey!  How do you not remember she has a penis?!  When I was finally satisfied she was clean, I smiled a bit to myself and opened up the yellow diaper, then fell very still and very quiet. "…I dun know what I doin'…" Staycee mentioned once that part of becoming a Second was diapering courses, but I'd never become a Second before.  I didn't know how to put a diaper on anyone, let alone an adult!

She was so cute with her earnest motions and determined expression and I wanted so badly just to pull her into bed with me. Her eye kept drifting between my legs even after I was cleaned and it wasn't so much lust as curiosity that burned behind her eyes. It was a juxtaposed paradox I s'pose: my lithe form and pretty skin, my bright blue eyes and puffy inkling of breasts, a smile that could make grown men gasp and hair that flowed like water, and then my cock, the very same I'd fucked Audrey with. I bit my lip. "Awd'y still see Thaythee as a boy?" Stupid question, silly Staycee. Stop that. I lifted my bottom and began to talk her through positioning the diaper, then motioned to one thigh. "Tape sides den you done, uh huh. See? Easthy!"

It wasn't easy.  It wasn't easy at all, and it wasn't until the third diaper I was confident in my attempt.  She'd be using that diaper.  If it leaked, that would be my fault now.  Was there punishments for that?  I finally taped the diaper in place - for the third time - and smiled a little to myself.  Good enough - I hope so, anyway. "You a girl.  Since you said you a girl, you a girl.  I dun see you a boy.  Pwomise."

Despite the fact we'd shared a bed, or that we'd had sex, or that we'd been reduced to broken little infants for the past year together, I didn't think I'd ever felt closer to Audrey than I did in that moment. Anybody can have sex, but if you've had someone diaper you, change you out of a horrible mess and take pride in their work,  you should marry that girl. I would, too, if we ever got out of here. When we got out of here - stay positive, Staycee. "What you fink of Casth… I dun' like her s'much… she nasthty…"

I looked toward the empty doorway - no Cass - and looked back down at Staycee on the bed with a soft, forced smile. "She pobby doesn't wanna get in twubble… but she could be nicer 'bout it…" I tugged the dress down over my blue diaper - was it strange that the blue actually made me happy?  And I wasn't even assigned a color yet.  I sat down on the bed next to Staycee and looked out the door at the clock, but I had serious trouble differentiating one hand from another.

My gaze followed Audrey's to the clock on the wall and I scrunched up my nose in frustration. Why couldn't I read it? I looked at my pretty little companion with confusion and puffed out my cheeks. "Jus' side 'fect of stuff, nuffin be worried 'bout." My hand slipped into hers and I pulled her toward the door. Getting out of here without the trust that Seconds are given would be so much more difficult, but I couldn't let us be stuck here. Not now, not doomed to stay in Phase One for so long. "Wan' get out'a here."

I very quickly shook my head, pulling my hand from Staycee's and climbing off the bed on wobbly feet.  I was okay with walking - I guess that hadn't left me - but catching my balance when standing up always felt challenging.  I sucked the pacifier hard and shook my head over and over. "No, Say-see.  No.  No wan' go back… not dare again…"

My hands wrapped around Audrey's lithe form as I pulled her back on top of me and onto the bed, one hand moving to her cheek to comfort her and direct the girls gaze to my eyes. In my horrendously impeded voice it was difficult to manage reassuring words; but I did what I could and gently brushed her bangs from her face. "L--L--Love you, Awd'y. Twust me? Twust me take care you? Nev' let den hurts you, nev-gain. Pwomise. But you gots twust me." She was trembling as I spoke and I knew she was more afraid of going back to Phase Zero than of anything else. But I also knew she loved me, and there was a level of trust that came with that.

I only shook my head for another second before Cass returned to the bedroom.  I stumbled off Staycee and sat on the edge of the queen-sized bed, Staycee sitting up next to me. "All clean?" She didn't wait for an answer before motioning to the both of us. "Come on.  Lunch time.  And don't ruin this for me - I finally get real food for the first time in months." I looked over at Staycee, biting my lip.  I really was so hungry…

The notion of lunch had a few effects on me: the first was dread at the knowledge that the addictive milk would soon have its way with my mind again - and with Audrey's - and I knew how much she hated the idea, and the second was the tight pang in my stomach that made me acutely aware of just how hungry I was. My hand slipped into Audrey's and I squeezed it tightly, reassuringly. My words were failing me, but simple gestures could always be counted on. "Wha' you do Casth? Why punisheded…?" I had to presume it was why she'd been deprived of food and knowing exactly what she'd done in the past could be useful.

Cass wasn't happy with Staycee's question, that much was clear. "It's my third day as a Second, you stupid busy-body." But that wasn't right, either.  Staycee had talked about it before - the transition between a First and a Second - and part of it was the removal of the milk addiction.  So shouldn't she have been on real food for a the past few days?  Still, I didn't dare say what was on my mind. "Now come on - get a move on.  Such annoying Firsts…"

"Den why no real food? Sec'nds gets food from da' stawt…" My impediment got worse when I was anxious, I found, and it bothered me that it was the case; I was really trying to gain a foothold. Cass didn't answer, though, shoving us roughly into the hall with a frown. She'd messed up, clearly; she'd been punished and I could use that. I just had to provoke her into risking punishment again, and then play her off against her insecurities. I had to make sure Audrey trusted me first, though, or she'd freak out.

It was obvious which seats were ours - the only location at the long table with three chairs near the end.  Cass took the middle of the three, which I supposed was a requirement, but it made me anxious.  I would have to be a whole person away from Staycee… "One of you here, the other here.  I don't care which.  Just stay very quiet and don't cause trouble." Cass didn't speak with worry, but it was clear that she meant what she'd said.  She didn't want to be in trouble, either.

I knew that it would be as simple as refusing to have my bottle and I could get Cass in trouble, but it would also mean seeing Audrey punished and that was a situation I couldn't instigate. It made things difficult. But I'd also been a Second; I knew there were certain punishments that weren't pair bonded, certain things that I might be able to spare Audrey from. But then, how did this three-way-thing work? There were so many new variables. I leaned up to Cass' ear and whispered softly. "Know how get yew twouble, Casth. Yew gon' worship us or yew gets twouble again. No more foods."

I looked over at Cass as she stiffened in her seat, then over at Staycee with a small smile.  What was she doing?  But I didn't have to wait to find out.  The next moment, Cass stood up from her seat and turned to my Staycee, slapping her hard across the cheek.  Staycee's collision with the floor echoed tenfold across the large dining room and everyone present froze.  I'd never seen so many aghast expressions, including the very boyish Firsts toted by the more feminine Seconds.  They had no idea what was to come.

I couldn't process what had happened… she'd… she'd hit me?! I writhed on the floor and rubbed my cheek, dazed and shocked and wondering how I hadn't lost any teeth in the impact. And then the pain hit - the burning, stinging, bitter pain - and tears followed. I didn't give her the satisfaction of sobbing, or of crying out in the anguish I felt, but I did cry. Seconds were allowed to hit their Firsts, unofficially - in the rooms, so many things happened, anything to break down the new Firsts - but it wasn't sanctioned. She couldn't do it in public like this! I quivered and managed a quiet voice as Audrey's eyes looked to me expectantly. "No 'fraid you…"

"Oh, you will be." Cass' voice wasn't malicious - just very certain, so certain that I realized I was already afraid of her.  Cass was an adult.  Admittedly, she was far from, but in our world, Staycee's and mine and the rest of the Firsts, she was as close as we'd get.  She was our caretaker and our punisher.  She was our everything.  We relied on her.  And if we got on her bad side… "Take your seat, Staycee." She took her own and looked over at me.  But I was still looking at Staycee on the floor.  I wanted so very badly to make sure she was okay, but Cass had said to take a seat.

I felt so small in that moment, and Cass was so… magnificent. I'd played my hand and she'd reacted simply and swiftly and taken care of the issue. And her words… her words chilled me in their certainty. I shakily got to my feet and sat back down, my hand slipping behind Cass to squeeze Audrey's quickly before I let go. Be strong for Audrey.  Be strong for us both, Staycee, because if you don't, we'll never leave here. Focus on something positive: having Audrey free from this place. A smile came to my lips and I focused myself with a deep breath.  Be strong.

No one said a single word until the woman took the podium - it could have been the same woman from my initiation, but I couldn't recollect a stable memory from that day.  It was all too foggy.  A few of the other Firsts had bruises on their arms or legs, visible in their matching white gowns, but nothing compared to the redness of Staycee's right cheek.  The woman left the podium and bottles and plates filled the table.  I watched the Firsts react, some with submission and some with fury.  One boy threw the bottle across the room and I shook my head.  I knew what would happen to them - the boys who disobeyed - but luckily, Staycee's and my bottles came a second later and I quickly took it to my lips.

I wanted so so badly for Audrey to refuse her bottle; her rebellion would give me strength enough to find resolve and defiance. But her eyes were already starting to gloss over and I sighed. I didn't want the baby haze - I didn't want to risk it - but Audrey didn't even think twice. She'd been so terrified of it before and now she was so very compliant. They wanted to break her, but I wouldn't let them. She was mine! The thick liquid swirled around the bottle as I looked at it anxiously and gently set it down on the table. No - not going to do it. Maybe they wouldn't notice. I just couldn't let the haze happen… gotta look after my Audrey.

The pattering of water against the tile floor was completely lost on me as the puddles formed beneath the Firsts.  Everything was just so bright, so lovely!  Cass, though, seemed less happy, and so did my Staycee.  I looked at her with a small worried glance behind my bottle and looked at hers, still full, in front of her.  I motioned to it with the motor functions of a ten month old or a very drunk girl.  Wasn't she gonna drink?  Cass replicated my motion, though with much more precision and… well… grace.  Was I really that helpless?  Oh, what did it matter.

"Be stwong Awd'y…" My words faded into quiet behind the sound of splashing water though, and my gaze had shifted away from the girl I loved and back to the bottle. Even Audrey wanted me to drink it. If I refused, Cass would get punished, but so would Audrey.  Then again, she was hazed and would barely remember, and it would drive a point home to Cass that she couldn't play me. Each breath felt like an eternity and I finally squeezed my eyes shut and took the bottle. I couldn't do it, couldn't see Audrey punished. So I slipped the bottle between my lips and sucked.

"Finally." I blinked up in mild confusion, rubbing my eyes against the dim bedroom lights.  It was such a wonderful afternoon.  I couldn't play with the other Firsts since it was only the first day, but it meant a wonderful afternoon with my Staycee.  I kissed her cheek a lot to make up for the slap, but I didn't say a word.  Staycee was used to that, though - we had wonderful nonverbal communication since Zero.  But it only lasted until the two of us grew tired and found comfort in an afternoon nap.  By the time I'd opened my eyes, the milk was out of my system. "You two are such a hassle, sometimes." Cass actually seemed… exhausted.

The haze was like a nap with guaranteed wonderful dreams, only it was all very real: the kisses, the cuddles, and the words hiding just behind Audrey's eyes. But all dreams had to end and when the haze ended abruptly, the reality of our situation began to set back in: here, trapped with Cass. Cass didn't sound angry at me anymore, though: she seemed tired and worn out, but not angry. Maybe the slap had been enough, maybe she wasn't going to take it further. I bit my lip and squeezed Audrey's hand. Maybe I could appeal to Cass. "Casth… d'yew like dis pwace?"

"Of course not." She was at the vanity, the stool turned around.  Staycee was on the edge of the bed and I quickly made my way over to her.  It was then I noticed my diaper was very wet, and an eerily familiar smell filled the room.  I couldn't have… "But it's better as a Second.  And it'll only get better, much better once I'm rid of you two…" Again, though, her tone wasn't malicious. "No offense.  I just hate changing diapers.  And although that one's quiet as a mouse" - I supposed she meant me - "you wouldn't stop crying until I changed you."

My cheeks filled with color at the reminder of the memory and my determined gaze became somewhat downcast. I had cried - I'd cried endlessly - and Cass had changed my messy diaper. Had I been aroused? Had she seen? Did she know? I hated it so very much - more than just about everything - that they'd done this to me, that they'd made me crave something so filfthy. I swallowed hard and got to my feet. "I change Awd'y…" Although by the time my gaze met Audrey's, my cheeks were flushed and hot with a very different feeling: arousal. It was such an adult feeling to encounter after having been kept so subdued. Focus. Audrey can never know. Talk about anything. My words flowed quietly from my lips, directed at Cass. "Maybe yew wan' 'scape, Casth…?"

There was a strange calm over the room after Staycee asked her question, though I was mildly distracted with Staycee's offer to change me.  I smelled that badly?  New waves of shame came over me and I wished upon wished to go back to Zero, where I didn't have to feel this horrible just for being me… "Staycee." It was that voice again - the same very certain voice from the dining room.  It made me shudder. "I know why you went to Phase Zero.  If you try to leave again, if you even think about it… they will make sure you suffer."

I stiffened a little and tried to focus on the task at hand, whispering softly to Audrey to try and calm the burning heat from her cheeks. "Is otay, Awd'y. Is otay. Yew so pwetty, pwettiest giwl I eva' seen an' we gon' get dis all fixed, uh huh." God how I didn't want it to be. Here in the heady haze of my arousal, all I could think about was the perfection of a girlfriend who messed herself involuntarily. Someone who needed me to change her diapers… the thick heavy aroma as I peeled away the tapes made my head swim worse than the baby haze and it was so difficult to stay focused. Once my whispers passed, I spoke clearly as I could manage to Cass."Dun' yew wan' be boy 'gain?" It was so so hard to keep focus: my perfect girl before me in such an arousing and vulnerable state. She was so sexy…

Cass looked like she'd be sick and very quickly stood up, walking to the still open door at the edge of the room.  Maybe she was looking for fresh air, as if it was possible to get in this place. "I don't know… ugh, I'm not going to talk to you about this.  If I listened to you, I'd be a pants shitting girl that can't even speak proper." I suddenly started to understand Cass' sickness: by the way she spoke about me and the girl changing me, I couldn't help but feel nauseous.  What good were we, now?  We weren't going to be rehabilitated - we were just experiments.  If we'd just cooperated, we'd be home now.  Home and happy…

"Dun' listen her…" My first words were to Audrey, a hushed whisper. "They our troofs… I wu… l-l-love you… an' you love me. An' nuffin else matters." My hand found her chin and I directed her unsteady gaze. "Otay? Unnerstan?" My tone then shifted to Cass and I bit my lip. "Can learn talk 'gain… can learn potty 'gain. But you nev' be you 'gain. We still us, Casth…" It was somewhat provocative thing to say and I knew it was a fear of Audrey's to lose herself… and maybe we already had. But if I could make her believe we hadn't, she'd be strong.

Cass shook her head and rolled her eyes, but there was something… more.  I couldn't put my finger on it, but there was definitely more.  Staycee wiped me clean and slid a new blue diaper under my bottom.  I still didn't have a color yet, and all I could think of was that if I'd stayed out of Phase Zero, I'd have one by now.  I felt tears slip down my cheeks at the thought.  Everything made me cry, nowadays.

My head cleared up with the passing of the smell as I balled up the diaper and the used wipes and dropped it in the little chute by the side of the bed. My focus returned and I gently drew my thumb up the side of Audrey's cheek to wipe away her tear. She was so sad, but I s'pose she had no reason to be happy. No hope, and that was what I had to give her. "Wan' shower, Casth?" Everybody knew that the shower room was too loud for the microphones, or at least they used to.

Cass frowned and looked up at the clock.  I still didn't know what time it said, but she didn't seem pleased.  Our looks of confusion shocked her, though, and she looked back at the clock. "You guys can read that, right?" I took Staycee's thumb in my mouth shamefully, sucking on it to keep me from crying further.  Staycee's solemn look was all she needed, though. "Wow - they really did a number on you…" There was so much awe in her voice. "Anyway, it's only an hour until the showers close.  And I really don't want to be part of your fucked up plans anyway."

I frowned in shame and tried to manage intelligible words through the rising anxiety. She knew that I wanted to talk about us all getting out of here; why was she refusing? I bit my lip as Audrey continued to suck nervously on my thumb. It felt good, at least, to know how much comfort I brought the girl. "How man' girls did yew haff sess wif', Casth, when you was a boy?" It was a low blow, but I hoped I could play up the Second's desire to return to a life as a boy. "S'conds get 'jections… no can go back to bein' a boy after those… yew had yers yet, Casth?"

Cass bit her lip and turned away from both of us.  Was that true, what Staycee said?  How could injections keep you from being a boy?  Then again, with what they did to my skin and my body hair, with the way the milk worked, maybe it was true.  I was a boy once, wasn't I?  But I found myself more afraid of the needle than what it would do to me.  Did I always want to be a girl…?

Without letting go of Audrey's hand, I took a step closer to Cass with a little smile. I was getting to her. I was winning! I could make things right, and we could get out of here. Cass was a brat, but she could be helpful; a Second meant we’d have more freedoms. So I swallowed and I punctuated my words very, very clearly. "Wan'. Go. Showah." I turned back to Audrey and gently pushed her down onto her back on the bed, climbing on top of her and pulling my thumb free to share a soft kiss with the girl. My voice fell back to a whisper and I gazed into her crystal baby blue eyes reassuringly. "I l-love you. An'… an'… you da pwettiest giwl ever, Awd'y… yew wan' be wif' me, still? Even tho I no so pwetty?" She was so lost in her head, and I just wanted to free her from the torture behind her eyes.

I gave the best smile I could muster - which admittedly, wasn't very good - and let the warmth of Staycee's kiss envelop me.  It was such a rarity now, and it sparked something so wonderful inside me.  I remembered our times before, on our bed and in the shower, and how I never felt that way anymore.  But still, with that kiss, there was still a little spark in me that wanted her. "Well come on.  We don't have a lot of time." Cass left the room and I looked up at Staycee with a bit of surprise.

With a finger on my lips as a show of silence - really, not exactly necessary with Audrey anyway - I linked my hand into my girlfriend’s and tugged her off the bed with a little smile. Cass would see that our plan could work, that we could escape and she'd help us, and then we'd all be free and we could be happy together and Cass could… well… go back to being a boy, I s'posed, if she wanted to. We wandered down the halls together, Audrey in my hand and a giddy smile on my lips as we followed Cass and eventually came to the showers. Thankfully, this close to close, there weren't any others in the tiled area. "Casth, you gots puts water on cause I no allowed." Rules were rules, and the more rule-abiding we sounded while the microphones could hear, the less suspicion it aroused.

Cass took no time stripping out of her clothes.  Her green jumper - green was clearly assigned to her when she was a First, and I found myself insanely jealous - found its way to the floor of the dry area in the showers.  And then the second wave of jealousy hit me: she was wearing underwear.  Admittedly, they weren't very adult underwear, and they were clearly for young girls, but when I'd been in a diaper for… for a year… I felt new tears run down my cheeks and I backed up against the door, leaving Staycee's hand.  I just wanted to be a big girl… be a Second… be out of diapers, out of these horrid clothes… get my color… my happiness back.

I found myself at a crossroad; Audrey had pulled away and I had to choose now between pursuing her and staying to discuss plans with Cass. I looked at the Second and then at my beautiful girl and the choice was obviously clear. I took a step towards Audrey and took her hand in mine, my other gently wiping the tears from her eyes. "Do you wan' stay?" It hadn't taken me too much time to piece it together; Cass' underwear had triggered. If we stayed, if we became Seconds, we got to have our diaper dependence removed. But it could be a lifetime before they'd led us progress; we weren't normal, we weren't the same as other Firsts...

I nodded helplessly, still crying as Staycee slid her finger into my mouth.  I sucked it the way I missed my pacifier - how long would it be for Cass to give me one?  I probably shouldn't rely on her, but I couldn't ask… "Hey.  You two.  Come on." The water was turned on and naked Cass - awkwardly shaped with very perky breasts, short black hair and a very, very large cock - stood under it.  She clearly wasn't happy to be here.  Staycee had gone through so much… but I couldn't leave again, couldn't risk it…

I bit my lip and struggled with the conflict internally, looking down at our linked fingers as Audrey sucked contently on my others. She wanted to stay - she was afraid of Phase Zero. But if we stayed… we'd be Firsts for a year. Or could be. Or was that a lie? We could manage a month, maybe get back some of who we were, maybe claw back some semblance of self. At the very least become potty trained again. Oh how I missed underwear. But more than that, more than a month and we'd… we'd lose what little we had. She trusted me, though. What was the right answer? "Wai' here, otay?" I didn't want to expose my beautiful precious cherub to Cass - she hadn't earned the right to behold her body - so I slipped Audrey’s own finger to her lips and kissed her cheek, then wandered towards Cass, stripping away my babydoll dress and biting my lip. "Casth… no allow take off my die-dee…" I looked over my shoulder at Audrey; she was anxiously leaned against the tiled wall, sucking her thumb, but she trusted me to do what was right.

I slid down to the ground, my thumb hard pressed to my lips.  Staycee walked over to Cass, her in only her diaper, and spoke something I couldn't hear over the water.  Cass untaped the diaper and I winced with jealousy, looking down at my bare feet.  I wanted to shower, too… be naked with her… but not in front of Cass.  But Cass got her… so I sucked my thumb harder.  Ignore them… just ignore it… "What is it you want, Staycee?  You can't beat the system.  You don't learn.  You're going to go right back to Phase Zero.”

I wanted so badly to goad Cass, to tell her about being a boy, to get her eating out of my hand and to have her help us escape. But with each anxious glance over my shoulder at Audrey I felt the heat building in my chest. We couldn't stay, but we had to, at least until we were Seconds… we needed some control back, some semblance of normality. But they were going to keep us Firsts. So I took a breath and looked up into Cass' eyes with as much longing as I could manage. "I was S'cond for… long time. Know lots an' lots… can help you 'scape… go back an' be boy an'… an' live normal life 'fore the 'jections change you face…"

Cass crossed her arms under the shower, acting as unaffected as possible, but it was clear that Staycee's words were getting to her. "You can't do a damn thing, Staycee.  Why the hell do you think this shit?" It meant a lot to Cass that she had a place to swear again where it wouldn't contribute to the point system. "You lost.  And if you try again, you're just going to lose more.  Maybe you'll lose her." She nodded across the room toward me, though I wasn't watching.

I bit my lip and shook my head, slow at first, and then quicker. "No… n-n-no… jus'… jus'… pease…. pease help Casth… will help you 'scape… tell you everyfin' I know… an' help you an'.. jus'… can tell you how you help us 'come Seconds…" I felt pathetic as I all-but-begged and pleaded with this girl I'd known for less than a day, but when she said those words - when she triggered me with that fear, that fear of losing Audrey - nothing hurt more than that, nothing hurt more than that longing sense of loss. "Pease… dun' wan' lose mine Awd’y…"

"You can't win." Her voice held that tone only she could hold so perfectly… no maliciousness, no anger, just absolute certainty. "Give up.  Just follow the rules.  You'll be happier." She left Staycee under the water and returned to the dry side of the room where I sat.  I looked up at her, my thumb in my mouth, and she shook her head in disgust.  It wasn't until the large metal door shut behind her that the water ticked off and Staycee made her way back to me.  It was just us now, and I found my words, though I only spoke them through my thumb. "Say-cee… I sad… juss wanna get fixed…"

"We can 'scape… be free an' be boys an'… an' be safe…" I gently tugged the girl’s thumb from her lips and replaced it with a kiss. I don't know the tone. Passionate kiss? No. Lonely kiss? No. Solemn kiss? No. Apologetic kiss… yeah. That's what it was. I’d messed up, but I also gave her what she wanted; we were going to stay. We were going to stay as Firsts, and when we were potty trained, when we were Seconds… we'd escape then. Right? I pulled my lips away and let the girl nibble softly on my thumb. "Love you…" I didn't know what to do now; I had no plans. I knew what being a First was, but we were atypical… we were different. And it scared me.

I shook my head violently and looked down at my hands, fiddling with them anxiously.  I felt my chest tighten even at the idea. "Can't go… no weave… no be boys, pwease… juss stay… juss be good…" I knew it hurt her.  I knew Staycee was unhappy here, and I was unhappy too.  But when I was a Second, I'd be happier.  And by the time I was a Fourth, I'd be elated.  And when I left here, everything would be perfect.  I just had to be patient - she had to understand that…

I bit my lip and thought about the little lost boy who wouldn't even drink his milk, the defiant, strong boy who'd once been called… I bit my lip harder. Drew blood. I couldn't remember his name, or mine… just Audrey and Staycee. I winced, then flashed back to a strong expression as I took her hands. Being strong for two was exhausting. I pulled her into my lap; her body against my lithe naked form as I gently rocked back and forth and ran my fingertips through her hair. "Is otay… we stay… we stay an' be good an'… an' when we weave… we nev' be 'part… never ever…"

I waited while Staycee got dressed and then led me by the hand back to our room.  Cass was waiting just outside the door, though, and none of us said a word until we were back in our room.  I'd stopped crying, but my thumb never left my mouth.  I still wasn't sure what Cass and Staycee had talked about, but from Staycee's reluctance to leave, I assumed Cass shot her down.  Cass climbed onto the bed while Staycee led me to the closet, picking me out a blue nightgown.  When would I get my color?  Would it be blue, or would everything change again? "Do you two want your milk?" It wasn't mandatory - we all knew - but there were always bottles available for bedtime.

Stay here. Follow the rules. Do as we're told. But we're different… we're so different. We might be Firsts for a year… we might never be Seconds… they could reboot us, change us, manipulate us and make us what they needed us to be. But Audrey… I was so conflicted. I dressed her in the blue nightgown and whispered softly. "Blue…" It should've been obvious by now, but I realized I'd taken to whispering to Audrey in quiet tones when we had moments like this so as to preserve our closeness. "I fink your color is blue… on your profile said your favowite color was blue… when you were… you know… so I… I twied to give you lots blue fings… cause tha' way they make blue your color…"

Would I ever get a color, though, really?  Would they hold that over me until I broke?  Shattered and cried and begged the way Staycee had said a year ago?  Until I needed it?  Even then, would they give it to me?  I was just a toy, after all, and you never let the cat actually have the string… "Hey.  Bottles.  Yes, no?" I blinked, my gaze leaving Staycee's, and over at Cass who was still on the bed.  I nodded my head softly.  Better the haze than reality…

I shook my head this time and stood up slowly, crossing the distance between Cass and me and reaching out to take one of the bottles. "Bot-bot for Awd'y… " I smiled weakly and turned my back on Cass. I hated to do it. She was set in her ways, but she'd been fair to us so far. Maybe she just wanted to protect us both - maybe she just wanted us safe. I knelt down in front of Audrey and held the bottle out to her with as big a smile as I could manage. "I protect you, uh huh."

I took the bottle from Staycee with a small smile and made my way over to the bed.  Cass looked unimpressed, though, and quickly shook her head. "You guys are taking the floor." I looked up at Staycee, then back at Cass.  We were supposed to sleep on the floor?  That couldn't be right… what were we supposed to use?  There was only one pillow, only one blanket!  And the bed was big enough… it was twice the size of a normal one to compensate!

My cheeks puffed out quickly and I shook my head, my hands finding purchase on my hips as I made my stand. No. This was not happening like that. "Nuh uh!! Tha' bed is for us, too, Casth, We no going sleep on the fwoor…" I didn't have half the conviction that I wanted to, and I never did with Cass. She just had this… glory to her presence, when when she was laying down on the bed. I wanted so badly to impress Audrey, to show her I could protect her and get results, and I guess that's why I tugged on the blanket in one smooth motion and pulled it off Cass and off the bed. And I knew from the look on her face what a mistake it was.

Cass climbed out of bed very quickly, clearing the distance between Staycee and herself and grabbing Staycee by the chin.  She was so much taller… "I don't think you understand how this works.  Just because I'm not an asshole to you all the time doesn't mean I'm not in charge.  And I've slept in a twin sized bed for months.  And it was never alone.  I'm finally in charge, and I'll get what I damn well want.  And you're  child.  Mine.  You got it?"

The way she cupped my chin, the way she looked down at me from above, the way she spoke to me… I felt so little, so helpless, so powerless and compliant and my legs began to tremble as she spoke. Her child. But I wasn't… I'm not! I bit my lip. "I… no a child…?" Despite all my best efforts, despite my attempts to the contrary, it came out as a question, not as a statement. I wasn't a child; I wasn't her child. I... I was Audrey's. Right? I bit my lip again and nodded to myself. Yes, I was certain of that. "I… not yours. I Awd'y’s."

"You're… hers?" She looked at me with mild realization and smirked. "Interesting.  I just figured… but that makes sense, too." She let go of Staycee's chin and I looked down at my feet.  She was in control… why didn't Staycee get that?  So I let go of Staycee's hand and sat on the floor, showing them both my submission.  I just didn't want to get in any more trouble. "See, that's a good girl.  You should listen to the quiet one more."

It was so exhausting. Audrey had given up, given into easy submission and acceptance. But all I could remember in my head was her spark of life and defiance; that part of her that wanted to escape, that drove me to want it too, the part of Audrey that would never accept this. And I knew, deep down inside her mute little shell, that girl was still inside. The spark was now just an ember, but she was there… I just had to fan her flames. I had to make her see. Had to make her want to leave. So I slapped Cass. One smooth motion across her cheek. And before she could deflate the wind from my sails, I puffed out my cheeks. "I in charge. I takes care of my Awd'y. She is mine an' I l-l-love her an' yer jus' a bully an' you never ev' ev' gon' hur' her or hur' me or anyfin'. You gon' help us be Seconds." I managed a second slap to the disbelieving girl’s face. "Got it?!"

Cass was livid.  I climbed to my feet as quickly as I could, but it was much too late.  Cass had thrown Staycee backward, but before Staycee could fall, Cass scooped her up and actually lifted her into the air!  I hurried after her, but Cass had slammed Staycee's back against the metal door to the bedroom.  It was a sharp noise and it stopped me dead in my tracks only halfway across the room.  I could tell Staycee was in pain, and I wanted so badly to console her, but I couldn't speak… couldn't move… "Who the fuck do you think you are you filthy cunt?!"

Memories of pain had a funny way of fading away after spending a year as a Phase Zero. I remembered the notion of pain, of the savage beatings I'd sustained as a result of Audrey's defiance and obstinance. I remembered the idea. But when my back smacked against the metal door frame, when that pain shot up my back and down my thighs and the tears started to gush down my cheeks, I knew the idea was just a shadow of the real thing. I winced and tried to catch my breath as she barked between clenched teeth at me. And between all those tears, in shallow gaspy breaths, all I could manage were a few scant words of defiance. "I… gonna make sure… you… go to Zero…"

I wasn't sure if it was fear or anger, but Cass hit Staycee's face hard, so much harder than the first time, and she would have been knocked unconscious, I was sure, if it wasn't for Cass holding her up. "You're going to suffer for this.  Oh, how you'll suffer." She pulled the ribbon from her hair and turned Staycee around on trembling feet, tying her hands behind her back and knotting it around the doorknob.  It was after a sinister smile that she stepped away from Staycee and I found the willpower to move.  But halfway to Staycee, Cass grabbed my hair and pulled me back, only a foot away from my Staycee.

There were stars at the edge of my vision even as the ribbon was laced expertly around my wrists and then the doorknob behind me; the daze lasting up until the point she laid a hand on Audrey, then I lost it.  "Le' her go!" I tugged on the door and felt the ribbons cutting into my wrists from my struggles. "Awd'y a good girl, she didn' do nuffin'! Leave her 'lone!!" I hated Cass. I hated my voice. I hated this ribbon. I hated this place. "If you harm a hair on Awd'y’s head…"

"One hair?" I felt a spark of pain as she plucked a hair from my head with her free hand, then led me back to the middle of the room, further from my Staycee.  I felt tears drip down my cheeks, but still, I was silent. "Don't you feel foolish?  Slapping me like that… threatening me.  Your Second.  I said I'd make you suffer…" More tears fell from my cheeks as my knees hit the carpet hard, Cass having pushed me to the floor.

"Me suffer! Make me suffer!" I thrashed against the ribbons and kicked my feet against the cold steel door behind me, wriggling left and right and trying to get some manner of purchase on the bondage keeping me at bay. "Awd'y hasn' said a word to you, Casth! She io-lizes you… can see in her eyes… she jus' wan' be a good giwl… pease leave her alone… pease!" I winced at the tone of my voice and clenched my teeth, trying to wipe the tears away from my eyes with my shoulder and failing miserably.

"No worries, doll, you will suffer." I looked up at Cass with crying blue eyes, then over at Staycee.  I was so scared… what was going on? "How about we give her a choice!  Doesn't that seem like a good idea?" Cass' smile was cynical as she played with my hair.  At least it didn't hurt, though. "So, little Audrey… if you ask very nicely, I'll let your girlfriend go with a warning." I rubbed my eyes and looked up at Cass with concern.  All I had to do was say please…?

Girlfriend. I felt a certain warmth and pride in the term, but it wasn't enough to bring even the hint of a smile to my lips, not with the dread, not with knowing that Audrey wasn't physically capable of doing as she said. I frowned, the momentary glow of the word faded and shook my head. "Awd'y no can tawk… no' afta' Zero." It was a lie, technically - Audrey could talk, but it seemed as though it was only to me - she couldn't talk to anybody else. I chose ‘couldn't’ over ‘wouldn't’ because it was easier to swallow knowing that she couldn't be able to say it.

I felt the dread sink in, my chest get heavy and the air became as thick as syrup.  I wouldn't be able to say it; I wouldn't be able to save her. I shook my head in panic, looking up at Cass and trying to make my way to my feet, but she kept me firmly on my knees.  Please.  Please let her go.  Please make words.  Please say something.  Anything.  Words.  Sounds.  Cry.  Something!  Tears poured down my face, but a single sound didn't come from my lips. "Go on, little girl." Cass smiled down at me, and it was so warm and so vicious… "Save her.  Don't you want to?"

The anguish and guilt building behind Audrey's eyes was more and more evident, her tears flowing down her cheeks and the only sound her quiet gasps toward the onset of hyperventilation. This was cruel, it was so cruel! "Awd'y can' tawk, Awd'y can' tawk!" I pulled on the ribbons and felt little lines of blood form on my wrists, my legs kicking wildly against the door as I grunted and pulled and tugged to no avail. Why was she doing this? It was my fault, wasn't it? I provoked her...

I hung my head in shame; anything that happened to Staycee now was my fault.  I could have saved her, I could have made everything better, redeemed her with just one word and I couldn't.  I failed.  I failed my Staycee… "No?  Nothing to say?  Not even if I whipped her?  If I tortured her?  If I cut her up?  You have nothing to say?  It would only take one word…" I wasn't sure when, but I lost it.  I completely lost it.  My chest caught fire and the tears stung like acids on my cheeks.  I was in complete agony, trembling on my knees.  She'd be tortured… all because I couldn't say one word.

"Stop it you sadistic piece of shit!" I didn't know where the words had come from - well, I did, I just didn't understand how they'd managed to be so perfectly formed. "Awd'y been thru so so so so much more than you eva' will, Casth. She brave an' strong an' smart an' gorgeous and you're jus'… you're jus' an horrible person!" I meant it, too. I meant it more than anything I'd ever said, to this woman, to anybody; it was above everything except 'I love you' and those words were special and beyond reproach and reserved only for Audrey. "Pease leave her 'lone…"

Cass took my chin and my eyes gazed into hers. "Maybe we could come up with a solution, couldn't we pretty girl?" It was something she said -the way she called me pretty - and I felt so calm so quickly.  Cass seemed very pleased. "You're so beautiful, Audrey.  Such a perfect girly girl." I smile came to my lips and the tears slowed.  I was pretty?  She thought I was girly?

I wanted to scream out, to say 'don't listen to her, Audrey!!' but how would that come across? Don't listen to her when she says you're pretty and girly? She was pretty and girlie. She was my pretty little girlie girl. And that's when I realized what Cass was doing. "Stoppat… Casth… pease… pease stop, pease…" I knew Audrey loved me; she loved me like I loved her. It was the truth and undeniable. But I also knew how powerful the triggers could be, how they could be used to play you, and I knew what Cass was doing. "You are pwetty, Awd'y… my pwetty baby girl…. mine…"

I blinked over at Staycee with glossy eyes.  I was pretty; they thought I was pretty.  I smiled over at her, and up at Cass, and I felt so unbelievably happy.  But wasn't I sad just a moment ago?  I had such trouble focusing… "Oh Firsts… so predictable.  Aren't you my darling little girl?  Don't you love being my pretty baby girl?" I nodded excitedly up at Cass with a blissful smile.  My head felt so foggy…

~~~CUT~~~

What… happened?  I looked up just in time to catch a glimpse of Cass untying Staycee's wrists, but only before whispering, "Don't ever fuck with me again."

As quickly as I could manage on my bleeding hands, I crawled over to my Audrey and began cleaning her face with the hem of my dress. I couldn't look her in the eyes, I couldn't stand to confront what had been done to her and I felt like such a dreadful person as a result. Still, I cleaned her up and whispered soft gentle words as I did. "Is otay, is otay… love you, Awd'y… love you s-s-s-so much, my pwetty girl." I wasn't sure when the tears started, or if they'd ever stopped from when I was tied up and forced to watch, but I didn't feel sadness. Just… emptiness, hollowness at what I'd allowed to happen, what I'd made happen. Cass's words had made it so clear to me that it was my punishment. "Awd'y’s is my favorite girl, the pwesttiest, smartest and nicest giwl there ever there was, uh huh…"

Cass gave us no time, though.  She flipped off the light and climbed into the queen sized bed on her own, taking with her the blanket Staycee had pulled off earlier.  I waited while Staycee emptied the pile of dirty laundry from the hamper onto the floor to make pillows for us, then laid down next to her.  The carpet was soft, though - certainly not uncomfortable.  I smiled.  I was the perfect girl now.  And with Staycee and I on the bedroom floor together, I reached down and trailed my fingers along the front of her diaper.  I needed her to know it was all for her.  She needed to understand, it was so I could be her perfect girl.  

In the darkness I didn't have to be reminded of what had happened.  In the darkness it was easy to lay down on the makeshift pillows and cuddle up close to the girl I loved, to pretend what had happened, didn't. She was radiating giddiness, though, a pride she shouldn't have had… not after that. But she was smiling and even in the dim light of the bedroom I could see that. Her fingertips trailed down the front of my dress and the soft plastic of my diaper crinkled as she began to play along the front. All I could do was breath in sharply and bite my lip. I just didn't have the words: words might threaten to upset the balance of arousal and nausea and make me throw up.

I couldn't tell her.  I wanted so badly to tell her.  I just wanted to say, "Staycee!  I can do it now!  I know how!  She taught me, and now I can make you so happy!" But I didn't.  Cass was still in the room, and asleep or not, I simply couldn't make myself say it, and I wanted to so badly.  I kissed her lips, though, forgetting the taste on my tongue, and patted the front of her diaper.  She'd get it… I hoped.

I wanted to recoil at the taste on my lips, the salty sweetness that should've made me throw up, but didn't. I winced and forced a smile, my hand sitting atop Audrey's as it rested on my diaper. I closed my eyes to steady the dizzy mix of emotions. What was she insinuating with her hand placement?  She couldn’t, though; she’d regret it. I took a breath and whispered. "Not wif Casth here… when we alone, otay?" It would at least buy the time for Audrey to make a rational choice and realize what she was proposing.

I passed off the smallest smile in the darkness.  I felt very tired, regardless, and even if she'd have let me, I wasn't sure I could manage.  But as long as Staycee knew what it was for - that now I could please her, that everything was better now and I was a proper girl.  And she knew it, too.  So I kissed her one last time and licked my lips, then curled up in her arms and drifted off to sleep.
 

[Sophie ♥]

PART II: Yesterday’s People

"She's… gone…" The door was open, too, though I couldn't read the clock.  I whimpered softly and turned back to my girlfriend on the floor.  Her face was angelic - far off the crying girl from the night before.  I shook her softly, cringing as the heavy diaper swung between my legs.  Would that ever stop? "Say-cee.  Say-cee.  She's gone." I meant Cass, of course - Staycee and I were alone in our room, the bed vacant.  We could climb up now, but it wasn't worth getting in trouble over.  Plus, with how soft the carpet was, it wasn't a horrible night's sleep.

Exhaustion from the night before had well and truly ensured a lack of any form of dreams - a mercy I was thankful for if for no other reason than reprieve from my horribly traitorous imagination; what it could have down with what had happened was unfathomable. So I slept, and I slept well, calm and peaceful up until the point Audrey shook me awake. She was right; Cass was gone. It took me a few moments to click to that realization, but I didn't get any words out in response before the memory from last night flooded back. Cass. And my Audrey. My Audrey. I felt sick at the thought of what had happened, but forced a little smile. "Hi pwetty giwl…"

I crawled up off the mess of clothes we'd used as our pseudo-mattress and bit my lip at the smell in the room.  It wouldn't be just me, I was sure, and that meant I'd be changing Staycee again.  We had to find a solution to this, because it was just too hard to handle… "No Casth.  Dunno wea she went." It could be early - maybe she went to shower.  It couldn't be that late, could it?

Slowly I managed to get to my feet and I realized the door was open - that meant it was past waking up time; it meant we were expected to be showering and getting ready for the day and then meeting for breakfast milk. But that wasn't something we should've been expected to know… we were Firsts. Our Second was supposed to be here to take care of that and she was nowhere to be found. "Come 'awn, I ge' you all clean an' nice." Changing each others diapers was also something we shouldn't haven't had to have worried about. All in all, Cass was a pretty rotten Second, even by the standards of this facility.  Last night was terrible, but it really never fell outside the scope of what some of the Seconds had done, the kinds of things mine had done to me.  I had hoped to spare Audrey that sort of treatment, and it only led us here.

Get me all cleaned up… great.  I climbed into place on the bed and sat in my own mess, squinting in frustration as my backside hit the mattress.  When would this nightmare end?  When we became Seconds; we just had to make it that far… "Awe you sad, Say-cee?" It could've been attributed to sleepiness, but the way she spoke, the way she looked at me… we'd grown to notice things like that in Phase Zero and that learning certainly hadn't left us.

"Nuh uh, no sad." It wasn't a lie, either - I wasn't sad. I was furious at Cass, frustrated and angry, but not sad. Sadness didn't get people anywhere and that was a lesson I'd come to learn in my time here before meeting Audrey; a lesson I'd forgot. Crying, sadness, empty melancholy… none of it helped. Only actions got results, and sadness was passive. I steadied myself against the incoming arousal and took a breath, then untaped my girlfriends messy diaper. "Awd'y so pwetty." The bubbly smile that followed was a natural next step and I figured it was a good topic to get away from the empty feelings. "People gun' be so jeawous of my giwlfwiend when we get out' here, uh huh. Such a pewfect giwl, Awd'y."

I smiled giddily as the diaper was untaped and the dreadful smell filled the room.  I would make everyone jealous?  I loved that I was that good a girl.  The bliss was quickly invaded by the idea of leaving, but by Phase Two we would be out of diapers and we wouldn't need them anymore.  And by Phase Three, at least, we'd be talking normally again.  Maybe, then, I could talk around someone that wasn’t Staycee.  And Phase Four, we'd be ready for the world.  It would all work out, Audrey, it would.

"Awd'y still wan' be wif me? Still wan' be my giwlfwiend?" It was a question I guess I'd been afraid to ask - my feelings hadn't faded at all, but a year in Phase Zero… it was silly to assume that Audrey would automatically feel the same way. "Iono if such a pwetty giwl would wan' be wif' someone wike me…" I smiled coyly as I bundled up her diaper and dropped it in the chute. It worried me that perhaps I was right, that she wouldn't wanna be with me and that when we left here she'd go home and be a productive member of society, pretty hair and blue eyes and maybe even interested in boys. And I'd have nowhere, and no one.

I shook my head and smiled like Staycee had said the silliest thing in the world.  She left me, though, to fetch a diaper from the closet, and I was sure she didn't see the head shake. "I wan' Say-cee.  No one else." Staycee returned with a smile, another blue diaper in her hand.  Always blue… and it wasn't even mine yet.  I just wanted it to be mine… maybe I could ask the woman today - the one who spoke at the podium.  I'd beg if they wanted.

"Fink your fam'wy will wike me?" I'd been thinking about it a lot, especially yesterday, about where we'd go and what we'd do. If we escaped, we'd have to start over with our lives. But if we graduated… Audrey could go home, and I could go home with her. Well, I hoped. I didn't know what her family would think about their once-a-son in a relationship with another girl who was once a boy. I unfolded the diaper and gently slid it into the place with a smile.

I didn't answer.  Staycee didn't think she'd be coming home with me, did she?  But her question more than answered that. Staycee taped the diaper in place, and it was only then that my silence became a concern to her.  I passed a polite smile and climbed off the bed, motioning for her to lie down.  She did, albeit reluctantly.  I went to the closet first, this time, picking out a diaper.  The ever present yellows were there, but alongside sat a stack of a paler yellow, Staycee’s yellow.  I picked one up. "I not goin' home, Say-cee…" I untaped the diaper and recoiled in disgust.  It wasn't her fault, though, and I'd done it before...

The silence filled my chest with a heavy sense of dread and by the time I'd laid down I could feel the weight starting to close in. She didn't want to be with me once we left. She wanted to go home without me. Of course she did… I'd only remind her of this horrible place. I winced a little and closed my eyes but only until she spoke and the weight lifted. She… she wasn't going home? "Home is where my Awd'y is. Tha's all tha' matters." I looked up at the ceiling whimsically and wondered what it was Audrey had done to come here. I hadn't wondered that in so long. "Wish I knew who I was before. I fink I was a bad girl…"

I had nothing to say on the matter.  I knew as much as Staycee knew about her past - absolutely nothing.  There was no point going into that conversation unless we wanted to get introspective.  Maybe I should have - maybe that's what girlfriend's do - but I didn't.  I cleaned Staycee up, taped on a new diaper - she looked so right in her color - and stayed quiet while she talked to herself.  Staycee was a bad girl.  It was hard to believe, but if she wasn't at one point, she wouldn't be here.  And you had to do some pretty bad things to be here…

"Iono, I fink I was a bad giwl. But Awd'y… I dun fink Awd'y was bad. I fink Awd'y not even a'sposed ta' be here. She too sweet an' pretty an' perfect." It was wrong of me to ask - I knew that when I did - but at the end of the little tirade on my preponderance's I slipped the question in regardless. "Fink… you ever wan' tell me why you here, Awd'y? Won' change nuffin'… still love you, uh huh." It was nice to be in a clean diaper, and in one of my color. It was even nicer to be able to say love without stammering anymore. "Is strange…. everyfin' gonna be diff'rent to wha' I 'member… musics an' movies an' stuff… are the Spice Girls still pop'lar?"

I flattened my nightgown and put the dirty diaper in the chute. "Come on - gotta find Casth." I didn't wait for Staycee to get off the bed, though.  I went out of the room ahead of her and waited in the hallway.  I just couldn't stand there anymore.  She sounded no different than a real two year old, but her questions weren't as innocent.  Maybe if they'd regressed her… regressed us all the way, I wouldn't have cared.  But I didn't want to break her heart…

She avoided the topic so vehemently, even now.  Even as the only person in the whole wide world she trusted, she still wouldn't tell me. What could have happened that was so bad? I decided in that moment that it didn't matter, that she wasn't that boy anymore. She was Audrey, she was my girl. So I wouldn't ask again. I gently pushed her to the wall when I caught up with her and linked my hands in with hers, then kissed her lips firmly, beyond what a two year old should've known. "Dun' care wha' happened. Dun' matter. You my Awd'y. You perfect an' proper an' pwetty an' my favoritest person in the whole wide world. An' I loves you. Otay?"

"Uh huh…" It was all I said, though, before Cass turned the corner two hallways down.  I never imagined I would be happy to see her, but at least now I had an excuse not to talk.  I just needed my mind on something else - it was too draining… "You two slept a long time.  Must've been having wonderful dreams, huh beautiful girl?" I smiled shyly up at Cass and nodded.  I wasn't sure why - I couldn't recall any dreams. "You missed breakfast.  Back in the room - get changed for your lessons."

It made me a little pouty to see how easily Cass's words made my Audrey melt, especially because she didn't have any of the same reaction to my own words. It was irrelevant, though, I supposed: Audrey only wanted to be with me, but part of me wondered how easily Cass could manipulate her. Bad thoughts, bad thoughts. We missed breakfast? That wasn't good… that would be points against us. Cass was s'posed to wake us up! I frowned, but decided against saying anything. In-fact, I guess I didn't have anything to say to Cass at all, not after what she'd done. So I took Audrey's hand in mine and began to lead her back into our room.

Cass followed us back into our bedroom, so I couldn't manage words with Staycee.  Still, it didn't seem like we needed them.  We selected each other's dresses and changed one another in quick succession, then worked on each other's hair with the ribbon from the vanity.  Staycee's wrists were raw, and it worried me, but there was nothing I could do about it now.  After we were both dressed properly, I looked over at Cass expectantly. "Rooms 115 and 110." She wasn't coming with us?  And wait - did that mean our lessons were together, or one of us to each room?  I hated this not talking thing.

I didn't like talking to Cass at all, but her directions had been too vague to be able to avoid it. I made sure not to look at her, though. "Which room for Awd'y an' which room for me, Casth?" My hand stayed linked in Audrey's and my eyes stayed focused on the mirror. We were both so pretty - two darling baby girls - and I found myself wondering what we'd look like once we were grown up, what we'd look like as Thirds and Fourths.

"No.  It's 115 first, then 110 after that." It took a second for that to set in… "You two are together.  Inseparable, says the system.  That'll come back to haunt you one day though - I'd bet my life on it.  Anyway - no one's allowed out of their rooms without being in pairs.  Except me, that is." She seemed so proud of the fact, but it answered a few questions I had been wondering.  Staycee was always by my side when she was a Second - she seemed almost fearful to not be - and no other Second would dare show up to breakfast without her First.  But Staycee was my First and I was hers; that left Cass to do whatever she wanted.

Being inseparable didn't upset me - the fact that it was sanctioned that we weren't to be apart actually reassured me if nothing else - but I was still jealous of Audrey's newfound affection for Cass. So I decided to do something really stupid. "Hey Casth… wha' did you do ta' get sent here?" And how much did she know? Did she know what Audrey did? That was classified, but she was different.. maybe she did. Did she know what I did? I tried to remember which rooms each number was, but my time as a Second felt like a lifetime ago.

"I lit a building on fire." She was so nonchalant about it, too.  I felt a sick dread in my stomach… maybe Staycee was right after all, maybe I didn't belong here.  And still, Cass's tale meant nothing to mine.  Did Staycee's?  Did anyone's?  Maybe that woman was right… maybe I was the perfect poster child.  But all that was gone now.  Everything was gone… I turned around and, like before, walked out of the room.  Why didn't anyone in this damn place talk about basketball or something?!

"You a bad person, Casth." I felt so hypocritical as I followed Audrey though; I didn't even know what I'd done and it was probably worse than Cass. I mean, what kind of person was I to have resisted so badly I'd had my memories taken? What kind of arrogant, self-centered jerk was I as Callum? I stopped and smiled. I could remember my own name and that made me so happy, though I didn’t know why. I'd never be Callum again - I didn't want to be anyway - but the little bit of control just felt nice. I slipped my hand into Audrey's hand and whispered in her ear. "You a goo' girl, Awd'y. And you so much pwettier than Casth, tha's why she so mean cause she jealous tha' she never be pwetty as you."

I felt a small smile spread across my face, nodding quietly to Staycee.  I wasn't sure why - I didn't believe her.  I wasn't a good girl, and in no way did I think Cass was jealous of me.  She loved her place, and she hated mine.  She wasn't jealous - not in the slightest.  But still, the smile came and the feeling flared.  It felt lovely, nonetheless. "One fifteen, wite?" I didn't understand the layout, but there were the sounds of doors opening and closing all around.  Sometimes we'd glimpse someone walking through the halls, but they'd quickly disappear behind the doors.  This place always felt so quiet, and yet, there were so many rooms…

"Why hello there beautiful girl - hasn't it been a long time?" The year hadn't changed Velvet much: still bubbly, still short, still adorable, still in her miniskirt and lab coat, and still with the same red-rimmed glasses that complimented her hair so well.  She took Audrey's free hand in hers and smiled happily. "How was Zero? I was so upset when I heard you'd been sent there - you were always such a good girl for me. I actually appealed on your behalf, but they don't listen to a lowly tech I suppose." Listening to Velvet talk was almost exhausting and I stayed quiet while she babbled, never letting go of my Audrey's hand.

I smiled giddily and hugged Velvet tight.  She tried to save me, to save us.  She was always so kind and so wonderful to me.  Staycee didn't talk to her, though, and I wasn't sure she knew Velvet.  Did everyone have the same technicians?  I wanted to thank her, but no words came out of my mouth.  I frowned a little bit and looked down at my feet - Velvet looked at me with only the slightest bit of concern.  I tugged at Staycee's sleeve and pointed at Velvet with a troubled glance.  Why wouldn't I just talk?

It was so natural now for me to figure out what Audrey wanted to say: in this moment it was the glowing smile and then the regretful and troubled look. I squeezed her hand and looked up at the bubbly tech. "Awd'y can't talk no more cause Zero. But she wan' fank you fo' tryin' save her." I smiled and Audrey did the same. Velvet looked at us both with a little look of remorse and forced a smile. "Well, mute girls are totes cute. So I suppose that just makes you even more adorable, Audrey." Always bubbly, always the bright side.

She really knew how to make the best of a tragic situation; I guess I envied her for that.  But wait - seeing Velvet meant we were in Hypno.  But I was almost certain there was no worse Hypno could do to us… we'd been regressed properly in Zero, and even now we could barely function.  Maybe they were going to start to fix us?  I tugged again on Staycee's sleeve and pointed at the chair curiously.  This not talking thing was so bothersome…

My head nodded in acknowledgement and I looked inquisitively at Velvet. "Why we gets Hypno? We Zeros..." Velvet wandered to the chair and begun to adjust the switches on the control panel as she spoke. "Well, my lovelies, if you ever want to be Seconds you're going to need to know the same things every other First does. Like, Audrey doesn't even have her color yet, do you sweetie?"

I winced at the mention - apparently it hadn't been just me worrying about my color.  But Velvet did say I'd need to know the same things the other Firsts did, which meant I'd get my color soon.  I would beg, but how could I?  Maybe they took that into account!  But Hypno didn't give me my color, did it?  Then again, with how Staycee described it last year… I tugged again on her shirt in confusion.  I wanted more.  I didn't want to start this until I knew what was happening; I guess this was why Firsts didn't skip breakfast.

"Um..." I cleared my throat to get Velvet’s attention and when she looked up at me with her eyes - blue eyes, I noted - I cleared my head and spoke up. "Wha's today's lesson?" Velvet smiled and looked down at her clip chart before answering. "Well, you'll be skipping diaper usage; I've noticed at least one of you is very good at that already." Her cheeky smile showed that she was only teasing, but I squeezed Audrey's hand in reassurance nonetheless. "You're scheduled for... pacifier reliance for you, Staycee. And diaper appreciation for you, Audrey." My cheeks burned, really hotly.

That didn't sound at all like growing up; what happened to the path to being Seconds?!  I guess it made a bit of sense why I wouldn't be treated for pacifier reliance - even the smallest bit of worry had me sucking my thumb in a heartbeat.  Most of the time I didn't even notice, anymore.  Like now.  I looked down at the fist in front of my face and sucked passionately on my thumb.  But why was I worried?  Oh, right - because of what she said my lesson was.  I tugged again on Staycee, though this time it was her wrist and not her sleeve, still using the hand I was holding hers with.  What was she talking about?  Diaper appreciation?

"Oh, don't worry sweetie, it's not scary. It'll just make you less squicked out when changing your little friend’s diaper." I bit my lip and spoke up. "Could Awd'y maybe have diff'rent lesson? Pease? She reawwy wowwied..." Velvet came over to the two of us and leaned close to Audrey, cupping her chin. "Don't be scared little cherry blossom: a little birdy told me you'll be having your color ceremony soon. Won't that be exciting?”

I smiled widely up at Velvet.  Somehow, she always seemed so much bigger than me when I knew she was so much shorter.  I looked at Staycee with general satisfaction and nodded my head excitedly.  My color ceremony would be soon.  Wait - did everyone know how badly I wanted this?  It didn't matter, anyway.  To be honest, the idea of changing Staycee's diapers was very daunting; something to help with that would probably be really useful.  Maybe I wouldn't feel like throwing up every time!

Velvet, now content with Audrey's response, returned to the controls and picked up a second headset out of the drawer. She connected it to the first and then motioned to the chair. "Staycee first, and then Audrey will sit on your lap and cuddle close." This was odd to me; I'd only ever done it solo but I obeyed and led my girlfriend to the chair, sitting up in position and then helping her into my lap as Velvet fussed with the two headsets one last time. "Any questions, girls?" I bit my lip and shook my head softly as she lowered my headset into place.

Hypno never really scared me, even when I didn't know what it was, but it was always strange coming out of it.  Everything was… wrong, just for a second, like waking up from a dream, and it never felt like a full hour had gone by.  I climbed off Staycee's lap a little awkwardly - somewhere along the way my feet had fallen asleep and the pins and needles shocked me back into this world faster than anything else could've.  Staycee climbed up next, still dazed, and I leaned on her for support, my thumb already in my mouth.  Did it ever leave?  It was so hard to tell nowadays…

Velvet smiled at the two of us and began marking off things on her list. Audrey didn't get the arousal conditioning that I did; hers was more about how it was an amazing treat and privilege to change my diaper - that she was so lucky, nobody else got to do something so close and intimate with me. She'd had some basic reactions changed too, of course ~ the smell no longer repulsed her, for example, instead eliciting a sense of excitement and anticipation, like a child who knows they've been given a present. I blinked my eyes groggily and fumbled for the pacifier on my collar, slipping it into my mouth and smiling contentedly. "How're you both feeling?"

I nodded softly, still a little dazed.  The worst part about Hypno, I always thought, was not knowing what was different.  And even once you did things differently, you still never noticed.  I hated that.  But Velvet told me this time, and it made it so much easier.  Changing Staycee wouldn't be hard anymore, either.  It was a win-win.

I got to my feet and gently wrapped my arms around Audrey, pulling her close to my chest as I spoke to Velvet through my pacifier. "We ev' go be Seconds?" Velvet smiled a little and shrugged her little shoulders. "If you're good girls, don't try to escape, prove that a Zero can graduate at the same speed as a fresh intake, or faster? I'd think so." She reached into her pocket with blue painted nails and pulled out two suckers, handing one to each of us. "Our secret. Run along now. See you both tomorrow."

I popped the lolly in my mouth and wandered into the hall after Staycee.  Again, the very occupied facility seemed incredibly empty. "I wike her." Now I could talk, always around Staycee and never around anyone else.  I wondered if I could talk alone or not, but that meant not having Staycee nearby.  It really wasn't worth the risk.  My hand was still interlaced with my girlfriend's as I sucked on my lollipop.  It was always difficult without her hand in mine.  It made certain tasks very difficult without my paci. "See wa' she said?  Be good.  We ge' out."

I didn't want to talk about how little I believed Velvet - she worked here and couldn't be trusted anyway - but she also gave Audrey some measure of hope and that was something I didn't wanna give up. "Hope she wite, Awd'y." We had a little while before our next class and so we wound up in our room; once again there was no Cass in sight. No complaints, mind you.

"Wha' do Seconds do when Firsts go to wessons?" I remembered very vaguely Staycee mentioning at one point when I'd first gotten here that they'd had their own lessons too.  But what would that entail - just rewriting the stuff they'd already written?  It didn't make much sense to me…

"Gwowin' up stuff a wil' bit... um... we gots dolls to wook after an' trainin' to be all mommyish. You know... wike real wittle giwls?" I remembered my dolly - oh how well I'd cared for her - how wonderfully had I tended to every imaginary need. I missed her, but with Audrey I didn't need her. I winced a little and frowned, shifting from one foot to the other. Messy. Great.

"So… wha' is woom one-ten?  We got dat one in half hour." And when would Cass be back?  Staycee always used to pick me up from my lessons, but maybe she was exempt from that too.  The rules were so backwards with her, but she'd come here anyway.  Where else would she go?  There wasn't a lobby you could play around in or anything.

"Is..." I thought for a moment as I sat on the edge of the bed and the aroma of my diaper made me flush red. "Iono, bad wif numbers... fink it's tha' way..." I motioned to the left of the bedroom door and then laid down on my back. “Dun’ 'member wha' class is though..."

I sat down at the vanity.  Everything was so eerily similar to my first room here.  The vanity was almost identical, though I knew it wasn't mine.  Though looking in the mirror, I found no similarities.  My bright blue eyes stared back at me, my sandy blonde hair past my shoulders, held in place by a blue ribbon.  Ribbons were required.  The dress I wore looked positively childish, but to me it seemed so grown up.  I wasn't sure how time passed.  I just couldn't look away.  Where was the boy who came here?  If I looked hard enough, maybe I could find him…

I wriggled off the bed and wandered over to stand behind Audrey, my fingers twirling through her hair. "Where you wan' live when we gets out here?" I knew she was introspective, even without her words. Maybe I even knew it better because she hadn’t told me. But maybe this topic would give her hope.

"Dun'no.  No pace to go, is dare…?" We couldn't go home, not to mine, and not to hers.  But she was nineteen, now, and I was seventeen.  I'd turned seventeen.  Seventeen and still in diapers.  Where was that birthday?  Where were my parents singing to me, and my sister drawing me homemade cards?  I felt absolutely sick to my stomach.  I put the pacifier in my mouth and sucked harder than I knew I could.  Why did I do that?  Why the pacifier?  The hypnotisms.  But why did I want it?!

"We get a pwace ta'geva... pwetty wittle 'partment. An' a canopy bed!" I smiled at the thought and wondered again about Callum. Would he have gotten so excited about such things? Audrey was sucking torturously on her pacifier and I thought about how to break her thought process. "Awd'y... I messy..."

It was like all the problems just melted away.  I blinked up at Staycee and flashed a bright smile behind the pacifier. "Kay.  Way down.  Dare." I hurried Staycee to the bed and ran to the closet, fishing out a diaper in her yellow and the package of wipes.  This used to bother me, right, before the hypnotism?  But now it was so easy.  I untaped the diaper and wiped my girlfriend clean with the most wonderful smile, taping the new one on and beaming proudly.  I'd done it!  Me, me, me!

There was no disgust on her face, no hesitation or trepidation - she laid me down and she changed me and she grinned and giggled happily the whole time. I didn't think I'd ever actually seen Audrey so happy, in fact. As I lay in my new yellow diaper, I smiled up at her with pride. "Awd'y... you... dun' fink I'm gross no more?"

"I neber taut you gwoss." I kissed Staycee's cheek with a smile and curled up on the bed next to her.  She really was beautiful.  She was once a boy, too: everyone here was.  How humiliating it must be for them - adult boys made to be little girls.  Not me, though.  Nope - this was the best thing that ever happened.  And I wondered how many birthdays were missed, or Christmas.  How many cards never made… and I started to cry.  I didn't know why, but I couldn't stop.

All this screwing around in our heads, all this manipulation and writing and rewriting, it would take its toll one day, I was sure of it. And as I watched my bright and bubbly girlfriend descend into tears from her high , I wondered if it was going to be now. I ran my fingers through her hair and pulled the girl close to my chest. This was one that would need words. "Wha's matter, Awd'y? Why cwys?”

"Dun' no… juss happy… so happy here… gonna be all better and weave happy…" But as I cried more and more, the words stung exponentially.  But I wanted this.  The longer I stayed, the better they made me.  I wasn't like Cass or Staycee.  I wasn't here to be punished.  I was here to learn to be better.  Wasn't I?  Hadn't I failed?  Hadn't I wanted this?

I rolled on top of Audrey and pinned her to the bed with a playful smile. "Awd'y happy wherever she is s'long as I there too, wite? Here or there or China or Awswalia or anywhere. Jus' gots be wif' me." It was hard giving any sort of meaningful talk when I could barely manage words, but Audrey was starting to... adore this place, to cherish it. And I just wanted to keep that in check.

"Uh huh… I know 'dat…" I did.  Where Staycee was, I was happy.  But if that was so true, why was I crying?  She was right there, right on top of me, and still… I couldn't keep my cheeks dry.  And it wasn't my usual crying, simple and quiet.  No, it was sobbing.  Blubbering.  Whimpering.  Loud.  Obnoxious, the way every parent hates their child to cry.  And it wasn't like me to do so… it just wasn't.

I flipped the two of us over and pulled Audrey into my lap, nuzzling the girl into my tiny little puffy chest and smiling. I wanted to make her happy, I wanted to make her smile and be optimistic and if I had to use this place I would. So I guided her hand to my slightly raised chest and let it settle in place. "Awd'y… Awd'y going have boobs wike me soon…" It was a risk; I knew how much it meant for her now to be a girl but I was also unsure if she'd be okay with the notion of body changes. I gambled on the positive side. "Like a pwoper pwetty giwl… an' wan' know seekrit, Awd'y?" Engage her, Staycee: make her curious and thoughtful.

"Huh…?" I found it so very difficult to stay focused.  My head was pounding and tears kept messing up my vision.  I felt so, so sick - I just wanted it all to go away, needed it to.  Oh, why did I have to miss breakfast?  I could still be in my babyhaze, but we had milk here, didn't we?  I quickly climbed off Staycee's lap without a second thought about her boobs or my future, scuttling over to the mini fridge and pulling out one of the bottles.

I s'pose she didn't want to know my secret, and that was okay; I pulled her back onto my lap and guided the bottle to her lips, letting the milk splash upon her tongue. It was difficult to accept that the milk was more effective at helping her than I was, but then again, we did miss breakfast and I was starting to feel that level of antsy anxiety myself. "Shh, dwink up baybee giwl. Who a pwetty giwl, Awd'y? Who a pwetty giwl?" I smiled as her eyes began to glaze over and her little neck flexed and contracted as she swallowed hungrily.

I really adored this part.  The colors got brighter and everything felt so much happier.  I felt happier.  The tears stopped and I continued to suck the bottle.  But by the time it was gone, I wasn't lucid anymore.  I wasn't sure what our afternoon lesson was, nor anything else that happened that day.  During lunch I had another bottle, and then playtime, and then dinner.  Another bottle kept me subdued until bedtime, where Staycee and I again slept on the floor.  When I finally came around, Cass was asleep in bed and the lights were off, all but the nightlight that lit up the room.  I shook the sleeping girl next to me and rubbed my eyes.  It couldn't be that early, could it?  What I'd give for windows…

The afternoon had been exhausting. I'd forgone my own milk at all opportunities for fear of my flighty girlfriend getting herself into trouble; her libido was a little more wired than the other Firsts and she tried on numerous occasions to get kissy. After the second time I sat down and gave her the talk on faithfulness and how she should save kisses only for someone special, to which she'd suggested I was special. Clever girl. By the time we slept, I was happy just to have her cuddle in my arms and when she woke me up it felt as though I'd barely had any sleep at all. I rubbed my eyes and forced a smile, noting my diaper was a mess and no longer ashamed of it. "Mawning, pwetty giwl."

I had my pacifier in my mouth, but it didn't matter much - I wouldn't be able to talk with Cass in the room anyway.  I climbed up off the floor and walked awkwardly toward the door to our room.  Things were very wrong… almost colorless.  Muted, to say the least.  I'd never been on the Phase One milk for a full day before, and now I realized why the other Firsts didn't give it up: the real world sucked.  I tugged on the door to our room and it opened, though I couldn't read the clock on the outside.  It had to be morning, though, or the door wouldn't open.

I watched curiously as Audrey wandered to the door and only once she opened it did I get to my feet and follow her; Cass was asleep in the bed and I was quiet as a mouse as I stepped into the hallway. "Where you goin', Awd'y?" It was odd for her to leave the room without me, for her to be anywhere without me, honestly. And she looked around vaguely and vacantly, like she was lost. I took her hands in mine and kissed her nose, crinkling mine up in a smile.

"Can' talk in dare…" I didn't know why: probably just another part of me that was broken.  Staycee looked so different now.  Her skin was pale and her hair was such a lackluster brown - no red shined through at all.  It was the first time I realized, but it must have been her natural hair color.  Unless this place dyed hair, too… "Maybe shower…"

"Come on, then, les' go shower. My diaper is messy… if you wan' help me wif tha' when we get there?" It was all I had to try and spark a smiling response out of my precious little Audrey and with how lackluster she was acting at the moment it wasn't even something I was certain would work. Still, we had a lot of good memories in the shower together, and maybe the venue itself would help.

I passed Staycee a smile and walked with her, hand in hand, down the white hallways.  They seemed even less interesting than usual.  The shower doors were open, so at least I knew it was morning: they didn't accidentally leave our door open or we were going to get locked out for bedtime or something.  I closed the door behind us and looked at the almost-blue gray tiles on the floor.  They used to be brighter… "Um… way down and I change you…"

She'd been conditioned only yesterday, and I'd seen the way she'd reacted to being offered the opportunity to change my diaper, but the fact that she was so... depressed, so colorless, it worried me. I laid down and bit my lip, trying to trigger something, anything. "Had a dweam 'bout you, Awd'y… was a nawty dweam… 'member fings we used do, 'fore we was Zeros?" I blushed a little, feeling a stirring in my diaper, but was left unrequited. It had to be the milk; it was chemically addictive, but it was also psychologically so, too. The world was brighter, lovelier. Why would you wanna come back from that?

This would be different: I didn't bring wipes.  I should've known better.  Then again, for the first time I remembered, I didn't wake up messy.  Maybe Staycee changed me before bed - things were so hard to recall in the babyhaze.  I untaped the diaper and smiled awkwardly to myself.  It really was such a privilege.  Maybe the water could do the work for me?  So I tried wiping as much off her as I could with the diaper before balling it up. "Dweam?"

"Uh huh. Dweam. Um. 'member… we gots mawwied an' then we had honeymoon in Pawis an we did… nawty stuff." My red cheeks and attentive movements between my legs made it pretty clear what that entailed and I got to my feet, taking Audrey by the hand and untaping her own diaper before helping her get undressed. "Fiwst dweam ever had where I a giwl an' it was so special."

"Oh…" I hadn't dreamt since I'd gotten here.  I remembered I used to dream a lot, but since I arrived, there was nothing.  Maybe that was because I was conflicted - like Staycee said, the whole boy/girl thing - or maybe it was another thing they controlled.  I waited until my diaper was off and led the way into the showers, turning one on and putting Staycee under it first.  Everything was supplied here - wash rags and soap and shampoo and conditioner.  It was probably regulated, too, all for optimum girlishness.

"Awd'y spend all day on the milk yesterday… is like… goin' from a bright outside day to inside; you eyes gots adjust an' everyfin' seems so dark and colorless an' grey." I was lathering her back up with a puffball and a pretty scented body wash as I spoke. I spun the girl around and gently leaned in, kissed each of her nipples as though it was the most natural thing in the world to do, and then continued to soap her up. "Wite? Das' why you so blah feeling?"

"I tink so… dun' no…" I couldn't be sure any of this was the milk: after yesterday when I started crying for no reason, I was certain of very little.  But it matched up, and I'd had the same thoughts.  So I shrugged and nodded my head. "Dun matter.  Gonna dwink more in a few hours.  Den no more blah." It wasn't like I could skip my milk - I learned that lesson.

"Wan' you 'member something beautiful… somefin'.. better than the milk. A happy fought…" I bit my lip and pulled myself closer to Audrey, running my fingers through her wet hair, then pressed my lips to hers and in turn her back to the tiled wall. I kissed her again and again, and one hand settled on her mostly-flat chest and gently toyed with her nipple as my other ran up the inside of her thighs. I was never very sexually aggressive… well, not that I remembered. Maybe I was; I wasn't sure. But this was new to me, and not something I felt confident in. But she needed her happy thought.

It was… nice.  Just nice.  Staycee's lips on mine and her hand on my chest and her other tracing lines up my thigh: it was very nice.  But the reaction wasn't the same, it wasn't the reactions before Zero.  I didn't lose myself.  I didn't get that feeling in my tummy.  It was what it was.  Nice.  Regardless, I kissed her back properly.  That's what I'm supposed to do, right?

She didn't have the same passion as before; she was enjoying it - a soft warm sigh flowed from her lips to mine and the tension in her body ebbed away slowly - but it was just a tender little moment without the passionate lust we'd once shared. So I didn't make it lustier than that. I just kissed her, and played with her hair, and ran fingertips up her body: maybe what a child might imagine if asked to describe sex, soft and sweet and mostly innocent. She needed a happy thought. Without it, she'd lose herself in the babyhaze and I'd never get her back.

The kissing was wonderful, but like most wonderful things, it ended.  Another group joined us in the shower - clearly a Second and a very new First - and I found myself shy about kissing Staycee.  The boy was so overtly boyish, and the girl, though much shorter, resembled Cass a lot.  Staycee and I were very clearly the prettiest girls here, but I supposed a year would do that to anyone.  

Our kissing came to an end when we had company and the I let my fingers trail to her hand - she wouldn't be able to talk now and that was okay with me. I flashed a smile at the new First and bit my lip coyly, leading my precious princess away. Nobody else got to enjoy her beauty but me. I wrapped her up in a towel - a blue towel - and then did the same for me in my yellow one before we wandered out into the hall together. We only made it halfway to our room before a pair of orderlies approached us, though. "Report to the Headmistress' office immediately. Both of you." I froze. What had we done wrong? I didn't want to show my panic, but I was squeezing Audrey's hand pretty tightly.

I didn't like this.  I still had my nightgown draped over my arm, but both orderlies seemed very unimpressed with my notion of slipping it on.  So Staycee and I stayed in our towels, though I made sure to fish the pacifier off the clip on my nightgown and slip it into my mouth.  Being without a diaper made me anxious - who knew the punishment for peeing on the Headmistress's carpet? - but it seemed like we wouldn't be given any chance to change.  We followed both orderlies down the hallway, my hand tight in Staycee's.  What had we done?  I'd been so good…

By time we got to the woman's office, I had my pacifier in my mouth as well and we were thrust into the room, clad only in towels, sucking our pacifiers noisily, and the door closed behind us. "Good morning, girls. I trust you're adapting well to your life as reintegrated Firsts." The Headmistress was a different woman to when we'd gone into Phase Zero, and it only now occurred to me that it was the case. Her hair was pulled back into a tight bun and her squared-off glasses definitely made her look the part. "Audrey, I've been reviewing your file this morning and I'm wondering if it's the right time to assign you a color. We usually do this when our students are at their height of happiness, and I had planned to do so today, but your behavior this morning has been troubling. I'm wondering if you even want a color."

I tried to argue, but no words came out.  Instead, I sucked the pacifier harder and pulled on Staycee's arm in panic.  Tell her Staycee!  I want it!  I want my color!  I didn't understand - I did nothing wrong!  I just want to be good and become a Second and grow up and be a good person!  Why wouldn't she let me?!  I had been such a good girl!

"Miss… um… Awd'y no can tawk… but she really really want her color… when I put her die-dee on an' when I dwess her she look so long'ly… pease assign her color?" I wished she could talk right now - the Headmistress would wanna hear it from her and the fact I was talking on behalf of her likely wouldn't fly too well, but the woman behind the desk smiled and steepled her fingers. "Mm, yes. We've noted that you're unable to talk, Audrey. And having taken away your written language skills, that does make communication difficult, doesn't it?" She seemed almost amused by the fact, and I clenched my teeth, but stayed calm. "Awd'y is… is my favoritest person in tha' whole world, Miss. Pwease may she have a color? I al'eady picked her out a color when I was her Second."

Wait, I couldn't write?!  Well, I couldn't even read the face of a clock - I wasn't sure why being unable to write was so surprising to me.  I'd never tried it, though; there was never any reason to write things down in a place like this.  But it would make living impossible outside these walls.  I looked longingly up at the Headmistresses - at least if I had my color I'd be moving forward, a step toward being a Second.  That was all that mattered anymore.

The Headmistress looked at an open file on her desk and tapped the edge of a fountain pen on the heavy oak desk, looking thoughtful. "Your choice was for a very particular shade of blue. Is this correct, Staycee?" I couldn't visualize the color I’d chosen, but I knew what it was in my head. A very special blue, one nobody else had ever been assigned. Once Audrey had her color, we'd receive new diapers to our room in her exact shade, and new outfits, too. It was subtle; but she'd come to desire and obsess over it just as I had with my color, just as all Firsts did. "Yes pease, Miss. She really does wan' it, really, really bad… she wan' to be such a good giwl an' this would a'couwage her…" The woman looked thoughtful as she tapped her pen and then looked up at Audrey. "Audrey, precious. Would you like this color?" She tapped in a command on a graphics tablet and then held it up, showing the exact tone of blue; a subtle blue tending toward grey, but undeniably gorgeous.

I nodded very quickly.  To be fair, my perception of the world around me was likely very messed up by this point, and the blue looked awfully dull, but it was a color.  I didn't care if they gave me puke-green.  I just wanted a color.  My color.  Something completely mine that no one could ever take away.  And I wanted it so badly…

"Do you pledge to be loyal to the facility, Audrey? To do only your best to excel, to never bring shame or disappointment to our staff and process? Do you release your past, pledge never ever to even think of your past name, to proudly accept your fate as a girl?" The words were familiar to me; I'd heard them before - a lifetime ago - and I'd broken my promise. And yet they'd forgiven me. I'd been such a good girl, I’d excelled, and I'd won my right to have Audrey. The Headmistress continued to look expectantly at Audrey, and I squeezed her hand tight.

I nodded again.  I assumed, the way it was worded, it was a standard contract.  But I didn't care.  I'd given up on the idea of leaving - I didn't even want it anymore!  What did the outside world offer me that this place didn't?  I couldn't even speak. This place was home now.  It was where I'd grow up.  And maybe, when I was finished, I could work here or something, with people who understood.

"Very well. By my power and witnessed by your soul-twin, I assign you this color. Let it be known as yours, now and forever and exclusively." She reached into the drawer beneath her desk and pulled out a pacifier with a heart-shaped guard made out of a dull beige material. She held the tablet up over the top and it shifted in color to the exact color on the screen, as if by some form of magic (though it was probably much more scientific than that). "Swap your pacifier for the one on the desk, Audrey, and accept your color."

I hugged Staycee very tightly and then ran two steps forward to the desk.  I popped the pacifier out of my mouth and placed it next to the very beautifully blue one and put that one in place.  Things definitely seemed brighter, now, so much better.  And the pacifier was so much bluer, and it tasted so much sweeter.  I ran around the desk and wrapped my arms around the Headmistress - much to her surprise - and tried my best to wear a thankful smile.

It worried me how chipper and accepting Audrey was becoming with regards to this place, and I made a note to mention it to her later; this place was bad, and we had to work hard not to lose ourselves, that we were just property and toys to them. We had to leave. But I wouldn't take away her light right now. "You'll find your new assignment of outfits and accessories incorporating your color in your room upon your return." It was against the rules for anybody to touch the Headmistress, but she supposed in the case of the girl who couldn't talk it was acceptable to make an exception. I wandered up close to Audrey and let my hand slip into hers, whispering, "Hope you wike your color, pwetty giwl…" But before she could answer the door was opened and that was our signal to leave.

I kept taking the pacifier out of my mouth to look at it, giggling happily.  I couldn't stop.  I'd gotten a color!  Such a wonderful color, too!  Such a wonderful blue.  Everything was beautiful.  I couldn't get back to our room fast enough, hurrying straight to the closet where my clothes were and leafing through all the new garments.  Cass was up, too, though she was sitting at the vanity and doing her makeup.  Firsts weren't allowed makeup.  I held out the dress and Cass simply smiled. "Grats."

I wanted so badly to talk to my Audrey, to have her be able to talk to me in return, but she wouldn't be able to with Cass around, so I simply stepped up beside her and started to help pick out an outfit. She was getting very good at coordinating, and we put together a beautiful little ensemble in her pretty new blue with white accents; she really was beautiful. She had no resistance anymore, though, no desire to leave or rebel. Just as I had been when we'd met; she was accepting this place, and I was significantly worried. I fussed over her hair as she ogled herself in the mirror and by the time I was done I'd braided her hair into two parallel braids with crisscrossed ribbons in blue and white between the two. It was fancier than usual; but she was happy and I wanted to help her hold onto that.

I didn't need the babyhaze today, but I knew we'd have to go to breakfast and that meant milk.  Cass was ready long before me, but she waited around.  I think she was interested in my happiness.  Whenever I'd look over at her she'd pass a very simple compliment, like "you look pretty" or "I like that ribbon".  It was more than I'd expected - she was usually so reserved.  Still, Staycee and Cass didn't get along and I had no idea why.

In the hallway on the way to breakfast, we held hands and Cass walked behind us with a satisfied little smile. We weren't alone enough for us to really be able to talk, but I whispered nonetheless. "You love me, wight, Awd'y…?" It was a silly question to ask and I knew the answer, but with how bubbly she'd been today in accepting her Color Ceremony Pledge, I had something on my mind. "An'… d'you still wanna… get a nice 'partment when we leave? Maybe if you wanna, one day we could… get mawwied? Wear pwetty blue dwess an' I wear a pwetty yewwow one… iono." It was an odd thing, I s'pose, for two people our age to discuss; but I couldn't imagine a day without my Audrey, and I guess that's what made it so easy to propose, as casual as it had been.

I nodded happily and laced my fingers tightly in Staycee's.  We'd get married.  Maybe she could get a job as a teacher and I could work here.  I could help people understand that this is a good place - that it's to make us happy.  Maybe I could be Velvet’s assistant, or do something less technical… maybe the bathing one, with the skin softening.  The fanciful thoughts only lasted until we got into the dining room though, and I realized that, for the first time in a year, my bottle wasn't clear.  I raced to my seat and picked up the blue bottle, looking ecstatically at Cass and Staycee.  No other bottles were out yet, though.  I guess it was another reward.

She was so bubbly, so wonderfully happy and I wondered, as we sat down, whether or not she'd ever want to leave this place. I'd assumed she'd stay until we were Seconds again, potty trained, maybe able to talk, and then we'd escape. But as she sat down on the bench and ran her fingertips along the edges of the pretty blue baby bottle, holding it up for us to see as I sat on one side and Cass sat on the other, I realized she was happy. For the first time, without hypnosis, without the babyhaze, she was happy. I was itching from the addiction by now and I regarded her bottle enviously - I'd have to drink from mine today, but perhaps the playtime together would be good for me. I was so very stressed. I slipped my hand into Audrey's and smiled, my eyes feeling heavy from fatigue. "Knew… tha' would be your color from tha' day we first met, uh huh."

I didn’t care when I was in the baby haze, and while it was happening it made things very easy.  But when I finally came to, sitting in my bedroom with Staycee across from me, Cass at the vanity playing with her hair, I found myself a little worried.  It was very rare for me to come out of the babyhaze without a nap, and I immediately regretted it.  I felt so dreadfully terrible, like half of me hadn't caught up with the rest of me.  I stood up on my feet and immediately topped back over.  No balance.  I whimpered softly and felt the tears drift down my cheeks. That made me cry?  Cass got up from her chair and walked over to me, popping my blue paci back in my mouth.

It bothered me a little how maternal and caring Cass had become - I had no intent of letting her get away with what she'd done to my sweet innocent angel, but it wasn't the time for causing trouble. I cuddled up next to Audrey on the floor and put my head on her shoulder. I felt woefully unbalanced myself, but I knew better than to try and stand. My thumb ran up her cheek to wipe away the tears and I cuddled up close. When did I get so clingy?

I sucked contently on the pacifier until the tears stopped, then curled up against Staycee on the floor.  I wasn't sure what we were doing a second ago, but it seemed lost on us both now.  Coming off the milk wasn't a harsh thing - it was very gradual over the past half hour.  But the return to reality was hard-hitting - just that split second you become self aware.  I was still blissful, but some of the worries that had plagued me the past ten minutes had caught up.  Like what had we done?  I looked out the door at the clock fruitlessly and turned to Staycee.  Was Hynpo over?  Was all our lessons?  How far in the day had we gone?

There was a very large part of me that wished Cass would leave us alone so my darling girl could talk but for some reason the Second had been unusually present, and doting, since the Color Ceremony. I s'posed it didn't matter overly, though; I'd get my time alone with Audrey at some point. Maybe I could… I smiled and closed my eyes, pushing just enough to make what was inevitable anyway happen in my diaper. I blushed a bit and looked up. "Casth… I messy." Those words would probably buy us a few minutes of privacy; I knew how Cass felt about diapers and diaper changes.

She rolled her eyes and took a hand mirror with her out into the hallway, closing the door behind her.  I was messy too - I noticed that the moment I fell back on my bottom - but I wasn't so ready to admit it as Staycee.  I still wasn't proud that I couldn't control that part about me, but luckily with how often I was in the babyhaze I hadn't experience the act in itself. "When is it…?  After Hypno?  Or is it almos’ lunch?" My sickness started to dissipate, but certainly not quickly enough.

"We… we had Hypno, an' Velvet was reawwy happy you gots your color an' she wan' to see you after next class…" She'd specified alone, too, and that frightened me a whole lot - I didn't like being without my Audrey, and I didn't trust Velvet. But she was really sweet to my lovely baby girl and I s'posed that bought her an opportunity, if Audrey wanted to, anyway. I laid Audrey down on the bed and went about changing her, the color in my cheeks unavoidable and my breathing shallowing out a little involuntarily. Her new diapers were in her blue, and I saw her eyes light up at the sight of the crinkling plastic. "Hey Awd'y… wha' you fink we should do when we leave?"

"Iono… I taut maybe I could ge' a job here.  'Cause dey would pobbly unda'stand dat I can't tawk…" I wasn't sure what Staycee thought about that life plan, but I had been thinking a lot on it the past few days.  It was workable.  And who was going to hire a girl convicted of a crime, with no job experience, and who couldn’t talk?  This worked.  Staycee taped the new diaper on and I climbed off the bed, going to the closet to get her replacement.

Sitting on the edge of the bed in the place that Audrey had occupied, I watched her in her pretty ensemble with her ribboned hair leaning down to pick out my diaper. She hadn't been a part of my life when I'd been assigned my color, she hadn't even been someone I knew existed then… it felt like a lifetime ago. She had been my reward for my submission, for my acceptance of the truth: this was who I was now.  I wished in that moment that she'd been a part of that, that she'd seen the smile on my face when my yellow was assigned.  I thought about what she'd said though, about working here, and I bit my lip anxiously. "I fink there pwenty of pwaces who'd hire a cute little mute girl. Maybe a libwawian?" I giggled a little; the image of my pretty little baby girlfriend working in a library was pretty endearing.

"Dun' no." I expected that.  She didn't want me working here.  She didn't even want to be here, but she didn't understand.  She didn't remember what she'd done.  Maybe if she did, she'd be thankful for a place like this,  a place that turned us into good people… "Iss a long way away.  We dun' gotta worry 'bout it now." I untaped Staycee's diaper with mild bliss and wiped my girlfriend clean.

Staring up at the ceiling distantly I pondered out loud, a thought coming into my head that I wondered about being even my own. "…wha' do you fink I did?" It was something I'd tried to make myself stop wondering since they'd taken my memory, but the more I became aware that I'd be finishing out my time here, even if it took a lifetime, the more I wanted to know. Someone had to know. Cass wouldn't, I didn't think so anyway, but Velvet might. I bit my lip and looked down my body at my girlfriend fussing over my diaper. "Fink Velvet knows…?"

"She work here..." The rest of the sentence was lost, though, as my words trailed on.  If she knew what Staycee did, maybe she knew what I did, too.  She’d have our files, after all.  I hated her so much for knowing, I hated myself for remembering, after all this time, after Zero, but I understood Velvet now - why she did this.  And she was doing such a wonderful thing… "…so… she pobbly know what you did.  I can ask, an'way…"

"If… if she tell you, the' you can tell me…?" It seemed like an acceptable way to know, but I wondered as soon as I'd said it if I wanted Audrey knowing. It could have been anything; I knew what some of the others had done in my time, I knew what it took. I bit my lip for a moment and drew a spot of blood. "…wha' if I was a bad person…Awd'y… you migh' not love me no more…" The words came out spilled like a waterfall and I barely was aware of what I'd said.

"People change…" But that's all I had to offer, and felt my stomach sink.  Why did those two words shut me down?  I finished diapering Staycee without a single expression and flattened my dress.  Would it be inappropriate to ask for milk?  I closed my eyes tight and shook my head: I had an appointment with Velvet after the next lesson.  It was important, for Staycee's sake.  I went back to the door to let Cass know she could come in, though I didn't say a word to her.

The afternoon was…difficult. We had our lesson - it was our introduction as firsts to the doll's that would become our focuses as Seconds, just little toys without even names yet. I knew what they'd be one day, but now they were just toys, and once the lesson finished I led Audrey back to Velvet's room and squeezed her hand anxiously out the front of the door. "Awd'y… maybe… maybe no so good to know… maybe I a bad person an'… an' maybe you won' love me no more an'…" I was crying. Proper crying. I didn't cry easily, even now, but I couldn't help it. She'd find out what I did and she'd think I was a bad person and she'd not love me anymore.

I kissed Staycee's lips through my pacifier - I almost always had it in since I barely talked - and gave her a kind smile. "It be otay.  She might no even tell me." I squeezed Staycee's hand and looked down at my feet.  I didn't want to say it - I didn't want that topic to become a thing again - but I had to reassure her. "Nuffin' you did could make me tink wess of you, Say-see.  Nuffin' is worse…" I shook my head and passed another smile, then turned on my heel and went into Velvet's room.

"Hey sweetie." Velvet wasn't in her lab coat; a change from the norm. She was wearing a pretty top, a pair of cut-off shorts, and a much cuter pair of glasses that really accentuated her sparkling blue eyes. She wrapped her arms around the girl and cuddled her close, then took a step back. "I love your color! It's so you, baby girl. It's beautiful. Did you pick it out yourself? It might be one of the prettiest colors I've ever seen, so I guess it suits the prettiest girl I've ever seen come through here."

I had so much I wanted to say, so much I wanted to ask, about Staycee's admission, about working here, and more than anything I wanted to apologize for how I treated her so long ago.  I knew why she did what she did - I knew she was just trying to make it easy on us, make us better people, and I couldn't say anything, and I hated it.  I hugged Velvet, then looked at my feet.  I was so useless…

Velvet smiled and wandered over to her table, pulling a drawing table with drawing pen attached. She handed it to Audrey and smiled happily. "I know you can't write, but you can draw, and I think you'll find you can draw quite well! This is my gift to you. It took a lot of approval submissions, but I made the case that you'll be a good case study in childish communication and eventually they relented. I know it'll be difficult, but at least you can get some basic things across, right?" She smiled and rocked on the balls of her feet, waiting for the girl to take the tablet. It wasn't overly fancy, a screen and a pen on a tether, but it had choice of colors down the left and the harder you pressed, the thicker the lines.

I blinked down at the toy I was offered, a little surprised.  I took it in my hands and reached for the tethered pen - it was much heavier than a normal toy, though, much nicer.  Was it expensive?  Oh!  Maybe I could ask that!  I bit my lip a moment and scratched a dollar sign on the surface - I expected it to look like one of those magnet boards for children, but it was really beautiful.  I held it up for Velvet to see and gave a curious look.  Maybe that would get across that it was a question.  Oh, wait!  I took the pad back and doodled a question mark, then held it up again.

Velvet smiled and shrugged her shoulders casually. "Little bit, but it came out of my paycheck so don't worry about it. I wanted to get you a gift to sort of say sorry that I wasn't able to save you from Zero. I really did try." She wandered over to the door adjacent to her control panel and opened it, leading the way to her proper office. It was, well, it looked like Velvet's office; files in stacks all hodgepodge and without any discernible order, a computer on the desk and a sofa by the wall. "So, this is my office. It's where all the magic happens, where I write all the programs. Pretty anti-climactic, huh?"

I shook my head and followed Velvet quietly, still glancing down at the tablet.  I found a ‘next’ button, which looked like a swishing arrow, and clicked it.  The page bounced forward and it took me a minute to realize I was on a new page, empty and clear.  So it was just like a book?  Velvet sat me on the couch and she brought her chair around her desk to sit in front of me.  She was such a sweet lady.  Maybe I could be her assistant after all.

"I wanted to do something nice, let you come to the staff room and have a real meal but they told me that wouldn't be allowed until you were at least a Third, and by then you won't see me very often which makes me sad. So I guess all I can offer is suckers and your drawing pad. How're things with you and Staycee? You two are involved, right? Your file says you are. I think that's really sweet, to have someone like that. Think you two will still stay in touch when you graduate?" Velvet had tossed a sucker to the girl as she spoke, and when she was done she slipped one between her own lips, leaning forward with a smile. She wasn't sure what endeared her so much to this girl, just a certain something intangible, perhaps.

I pulled the pacifier out of my mouth and put it down next to me on the sofa - I still hadn't exchanged the clip over; it was mostly unnecessary with how rarely I took the pacifier out.  I nodded my head to Velvet's question and went back to the drawing pad, trying to explain that we were going to get married.  But I didn't know how to spell Audrey. I looked up at her with concern and pointed at me, then looked back at the blank drawing pad… Audrey… Audrey… I slowly drew a triangle, though it was upside down, and turned the tablet around, pointing to it, then to me.  Audrey.

Velvet stood up and then sat next to the girl on the sofa and very slowly went through all six letters of the girls name. "Audrey. See? Very pretty name. Staycee calls you "Awdy" though, which you write like this." She wrote the shortened version of the girls name beneath her proper name and smiled. Firsts were supposed to be allowed to write and for Zeros it should have been impossible, but Velvet wondered if Audrey would be able to conquer it with enough practice; she was a very committed girl, after all. "Want me to show you how to write Staycee?"

I nodded quietly and handed the drawing pad to Velvet.  I didn't understand the names or the way Velvet knew how to write them, but I trusted her.  With enough practice, I could probably at least replicate the name.  It didn't seem too difficult. I watched Velvet draw out Staycee's name below mine and I pouted in confusion.  Why was it so long…?

"If you want, you can just learn this one," She motioned to the A, "and this one." She followed up by motioning to the S. "Think you wanna try that one? You can practice if you want." She slipped the sucker out of her lips and held it in front of her face, one leg pulled up in front of her as she watched the girl struggle with the drawing pad. "It's okay, when you're a Third you learn to read and write again. Just for now, if you wanna practice and get a head start on the other kids you might feel awesome."

I nodded a little and went back to the drawing pad.  The A wasn't difficult.  It wasn't far off from my triangle, though I turned it right-side up again and then added the two little legs.  And the S didn't even need to pick up my pen.  When I felt accomplished, I hit the next page and drew an A and an S again.  Velvet would understand those.  But I wasn't sure how to describe married; I looked to Velvet's finger for a ring, but she didn't have one.  Oh!  I could probably draw one…

Anybody else would have been bored watching a mute seventeen year old girl in a wet diaper struggle with basic letters, but Velvet found the experience of teaching to be very endearing. When Audrey drew her A, and then her S, and then a very pretty ring beneath them Velvet's sparkling blue eyes lit up with her smile. "Oh! You two are getting married? Oh that's so sweet; maybe I could be your Maid of Honor, unless you have someone else picked out." She beamed and sat back on the sofa, resuming sucking on the lollipop.

I frowned a little and shook my head.  I knew who my best man was going to be, but that was before all this.  I didn't have anyone.  Not my family, not my friends, and certainly not a Maid of Honor.  I went back to the tablet and found myself frustrated again.  Velvet… I pointed to the girl across from me and then back to the screen.  It was the best invitation I could give without knowing how to spell her name.

Velvet leaned in close and drew a V to show the girl how to do so, then smiled. "V for Velvet. See?" It was an odd thing, but Velvet wasn't like the other staff members; she wasn't much older than Audrey and she had this bubbly air about her, she wasn't stuffy and stuck up and a know-it-all.. she was just human, approachable, the kind of normal person that you might actually meet in the real world.

V.  Velvet.  Okay.  I drew a V under the ring and drew an arrow pointing to the A.  She'd understand that.  I think… I turned the tablet toward her and she smiled happily.  I liked Velvet.  She seemed more like a friend than anyone else here, except my girlfriend, of course.  I went back to the tablet, hit next, and drew another A.  I didn't know how to convey work or job properly, though, and I found myself hesitating.  I put a plus sign next to the A, added a V, and motioned with my arms around the room.  Her.  Me.  Here.  It was the best I had…

"You and me?" Velvet sucked on her sucker thoughtfully for a moment and pursed her lips, trying to decipher the message. "Well, you don't wanna date me, because you're getting married. So… you want to be my friend?" Audrey shook her head and pointed to the files on the desk, and the Hypno room beyond the door. "You want to… you want to help me?" There was a hopeful look on the girl’s face, but a sense of expectation of more, too. "You want to work here…? Is that it?"

I nodded excitedly - that was a little more work than I would have liked, but it certainly conveyed the message better than anything else I'd tried.  Velvet wasn't nearly as excited though.  She was happy, but she seemed… cautious.  I frowned and went back to my tablet, circling my letter again and again, then holding it up for her to see.  I really wanted this, wanted to help.  Could I draw help?

"I remember when we talked about this, sweetie, when you were here the first time, remember? You asked if I liked my job, and I told you my feelings. You didn't seem very impressed with me after that. Are you sure this is what you want?" There was no rule that a graduate couldn't work here; a number of those on staff had done just that. But Audrey had shown such strong feelings against the facility, against the ethos and the morals in place.

I bit my lip and looked at the ground.  I remembered that talk, remembered how terrible I was.  I judged her so wrongly, and I wanted so badly to apologize for it.  I found tears slipping down my cheeks again, but I wiped them away before Velvet could.  I went back to my tablet and hit the arrow to a blank page, drew the letter A, and then a sad face next to it.  I didn't know how to draw a sorry face.  Below it, I wrote ‘A + [five sad faces] = [five happy faces]’. It was vague though.  So I added longer hair to the happy faced ones and showed Velvet.  I just wanted to help…

"You were sad… and now you're happy? Is that what you mean? Or you want to help people be happy?" She was never impatient with her guessing, never upset or demanding; Velvet had a sort of zen, serene patience that was rare to see in anybody, let alone someone working in a place like this. It was remarkable to see such a turnaround in Audrey, but then again Velvet knew better than anybody what Phase Zero was capable of doing to a person.

I nodded to the last one, though I felt horribly drained.  The all encompassing sadness that seemed to possess me on topics of before Zero had taken it's toll and the roundabout method of communication didn't help any.  I wished I could just talk to her.  I hit next again and made another A, then a smiley face, and then gave Velvet a small sincere smile.  I liked it here.  I wanted to get better.  I just wanted her to know…

Velvet leaned over and kissed the girls forehead, then took the tablet from her hand and began to draw. It was pretty obvious that she knew what she was doing as she scrawled out a wonderfully simple scene of her holding hands with Audrey - the latter in her proper blue attire - both looking particularly happy. "Friends, okay? You can come see me any time, so long as you're not expected elsewhere." She was all but finished with her sucker now, and she pursed her lips as she stood up and wandered to her desk. It wasn't exactly procedure, but she produced a little stack of chocolate chip cookies and sat down next to Audrey again, handing her one. "You look tired, missy. Cookies cure everything."

I smiled gratefully and took one of the cookies, though a sudden fear came over me.  I'd been on a completely liquid diet for a year now - was a cookie really a good idea.  Then again, where was all the mess coming from if I'd only been drinking formula?  Still - Velvet wouldn't give me cookies if it wasn't good for me.  So I took a bite and smiled in complete satisfaction.  Nothing in my life had ever tasted better.

"Don't tell anybody, okay? Or I'll get in trouble! They might even send me to Phase Zero." She smiled playfully. "So what color is your wedding dress going to be, missy? I bet it'll be blue. Two pretty brides, one in blue and one in yellow. I think you two make an adorable couple, really. I remember when I first met Staycee, actually… she was… well, she was a handful."

That’s right, I was on a bit of a mission!  At the mention of Staycee before I quickly took out my tablet and hit the next arrow.  I drew an S and bit my lip.   Here.  I needed a sign for here.  So I drew a large square around the S, then I put a triangle on top of the square so it looked like a house.  But that wouldn't make sense.  So I put a question mark next to the house and a smaller version of the house lower on the page, putting an equals sign.  I held up the image for Velvet and pointed to the small house, then spread my arms out the same way when explaining ‘here’ last time.

"Staycee… why is Staycee here? Oh, you mean, what did she do?" Velvet looked awkward for a moment and then took Audrey's hand. "Has she not talked to you about this? Oh, of course she hasn't… she doesn't know anymore." Leaning back into the chair, Velvet looked a little conflicted and went over the options in her head - her office wasn't constant surveillance; why would it be? And it wasn't like Audrey could tell anybody she'd told her. She took a breath and pursed her lips. "You know, I get to know what all of you did to get here. It's kind of a curse though, because knowing someone did something bad isn't easy. I'll tell you what she did, if you really want to know. But it's Pandora's Box: you can't close it once it's open. Are you sure you wanna know?"

I nodded my head softly.  I didn't care what Staycee did, to be honest, but she wanted to know.  It would help her.  I pointed again to the page and tapped the S so she'd understand too.  This was for Staycee - not me.  But it was something else that Velvet said that caught me off guard.  She knew what I'd done… and yet she was still willing to be my friend.  She should know better…

Velvet got up from her chair and picked up a remote from her desk, turning on a projector which shone into the wall; just a random patients file and nothing Audrey could read anyway. She went around to the other side of the desk and started to type, bringing up Staycee's file; recognizable only because of the picture of her now - a picture next to a picture of the boy who'd been brought in: a boy with short hair and a thick crop of facial hair, so far removed from the girl next to him. She clicked on a link and a video loaded: the boy with the beard screaming abuse as four orderlies dragged him from the mess hall. The next video was the footage of him - sans beard now, at least, and dressed in the typical First gown - stabbing somebody through the hand with a colored pencil. It wasn't just the actions that were repulsive, though; it was his lack of remorse, of guilt and sorrow. He laughed. A cocky smile. And then, the final footage was of him crying and sobbing and begging for forgiveness as he was strapped down to the table in the memory chamber. "Are you sure you want to know more, Audrey? Are you sure you want to know why Staycee is here?"

I felt sick to my stomach… Staycee strapped in that chair the way we'd both been… the way I made her… and how little I cared then, too.  I belonged here, same as her, same as Cass and everyone.  Because I didn't care, I didn't feel remorse.  I'd do it again… I ignored the feeling in my stomach and nodded my head.  I had to tell Staycee something.  Otherwise this would be wasted…

The girl swallowed and began to read off the text on the wall, the case file report. "Callum Eloise Harper. Age seventeen at time of arrival. Convicted of aiding and abetting in the supply of date-rape drugs to minors, as well as four charges of statutory rape, three of carnal knowledge and one primary victim testified sexual assault charge. Analysis found abnormally high testosterone levels on arrival, likely attributing to subjects behavioral patterns. Subject resisted any and all attempts at treatment and integration and injured staff members. Removal of memory recommended. Notes resume, post memory purge. Subject cheery and compliant, eager to please and to excel. Chipper demeanor, elevated sense of self worth. No prior knowledge of crimes or of self. Subject projection for successful rehabilitation over 98%." She finished reading and looked down at the girl on the sofa with an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, honey… but she's not that person anymore."

It took me a very long time to do anything, and my response was selfish.  I hit a new page on my tablet and drew an A.  I turned it toward Velvet with a very reserved look.  I thought I'd throw up if I tried to move or talk or do anything, but I wanted to know.  Who was I?  I knew what I did - I didn't need that reminder.  But if Staycee was so bad and she didn't get Phase Zero, but I did?  I shook the tablet again to get Velvet's attention and tapped the A.

"You want to know what you did?" Velvet looked confused and began to type in Audrey's name, but the incessant tapping on the screen distracted her gaze back and she tilted her head. "You know what it was, sweetie. So what're you asking…" The file appeared on the screen after a moment and Velvet looked at the notes until she came to the bottom paragraph and began to read. "Due to the nature of admission, subject has been earmarked for possible promotional work for the facility, demonstrating the rehabilitation techniques at work." There was more afterward, details about Audrey and Staycee that Velvet didn't feel proper reading out, and she looked across the room at the girl on the sofa. "What else would you like to know?"

I shook my head softly and looked down at my tablet, tears on my cheeks.  What was I doing?  Why was mine worse than Staycee's?  I didn't understand… why was I here at all?  I knew what I did, and I knew it was bad… but it was right!  I didn't regret it.  I didn't!  I couldn't stop crying, tears dripping off my chin onto my new tablet.  Why me… why this… why here… just… why.  I just wanted to know why…

The young tech sat down next to Audrey and took her hand, using the other to wipe away the girls tears before pressing a button on the remote and switching the projection on the wall to another file: a boy with glasses and a cute little haircut, next to a picture of what was clearly Velvet. "Alexander Duke. Found guilty of twelve counts of manslaughter." She waited for the girl to put two and two together, and then continued. "I told you my brother was killed in a prison, right? I went a bit mental after that happened, because he was wrongly convicted. And I killed every single member of the jury that convicted him. The ruling was kind… they said I wasn't sane when I did it. Grief, you know? But I came here, and they fixed me and now I want to help others. People like Staycee. People like you."

I shook my head and pulled away from Velvet.  I wasn't like that!  It wasn't the same!  I didn't… it wasn't like Velvet or Staycee.  It was different!  And no one listened - no one ever did!  I hurried out of Velvet's office, into the Hypno room, leaving my tablet on the couch.  She couldn't know, and now she never would.  She'd never understand - no one would - because I could never make her.  I couldn't even get my own fucking name out…

Before Audrey got to the far door, Velvet caught up with her and took her hand in hers, speaking quickly. "I can put you under, help you talk to me. Tell me what you want to say, tell me what you can't tell anybody else. I'm your friend, Audrey. Aren't I?" She smiled a very genuine smile and let her grip soften, looking over at the chair. "I can't help with your being mute, but when you're under you'll be able to talk. Do you trust me?"

I looked at the chair through watery eyes, and back up at Velvet.  I could talk if she put me in that chair?  But I wouldn't remember any of it, would I?  And what if I said the wrong thing?  Or what if things changed?  But I did trust her.  I understood why she was here - she only wanted to help.  It was her dream.  It was my dream, too… it always was, even before this place.  So I climbed into the chair and slid my thumb into my mouth for comfort.

Velvet knew she was breaking the rules, and here in this room, unlike her office, there was surveillance. But she felt like she owed Audrey this much, if nothing else. So she began to program the headset as she softy spoke. "I was the first Zero, you know? I was the reason they even made the Zero Program. It's my fault it exists, and for that I'm so very sorry." She lowered the headset down over her the girl’s eyes and gently fixed the ear plugs in place. The program began, bright lights and far off noises and then… nothing. Silence. Except for Velvet's voice. Audrey would find herself able to talk, but also free of inhibitions and doubt and the concept of consequence. "Audrey, can you hear me? I want you to tell me why you're different. Tell me what you wish you could tell everybody else."

It's not my fault, Velvet, it isn't… wait, was that out loud or in my head?  It's not… um… "It's not…" That one had a bit of echo. "Velvet…?" I could almost hear the smile on her lips as she acknowledged me.  I was talking, then?  She could hear me? "It's not my fault, Velvet… I did the right thing.  I needed to… I didn't want to, believe me, okay? I didn't…"

"I believe you, Audrey." Her words were sincere and calm, soothing and soft and her hand slipped into the girl’s as she sat immobile in the chair. "Tell me what happened? Tell me in your own beautiful words, not the words of a report. I've always known you were different. Show me just how different." She wouldn't have long, ten minutes perhaps, before there would at least be some curiosity from the higher-ups. She could play it off, maybe, or maybe she couldn't. But she felt such a sense of debt to this girl who'd gone through Hell, she justified the risk.

Velvet knew the report.  I didn't have to talk details - I knew I didn't.  And it was good, too, because I was already so sad… "She told me to, Velvet… and I'm not good with medicines or anything, and I promised her… I promised her so much…" Flashes appeared in front of my eyes and I felt my body tremble in the chair.  It was strange, too, because I was almost sure I shouldn't feel my body at all. "She made me promise… never to change…" A pang struck my chest - something very familiar - and I jolted in the chair.  My whole body hurt… "What would she think of me now, Velvet… I promised I wouldn't change… her last words, and…" The light and the warmth suddenly went out, like the sun had died.  Velvet?  The cold set in quickly and I felt my legs go numb.  Or maybe they didn't.  I was still under, right?  Velvet?  Velvet?!
 

[YourFNF]

I'm really curious to know how this process works. You can't edit information out of the brain without surgery or at least not completely of course when you learn new information new connections form and old ones may be trimmed. If I remember correctly there is a lot reorganization in adolescence. Maybe subject age is important? I might want to go back over my neuropsych text. I suppose hypnotism could put a mental block on certain memories  but reading for example requires integrating information from multiple neuropathways. Frontal Lobe for integration and interpretation,  ocipital lobe for sensory input, hippocampus to remember the symbols and context, probably Broca's area to connect the letters and sounds. And of course each person is going to have subtle variation in their neuroconectome. So how they manage to selectively block complex circuits involving multiple pathways and get consistent results I can't even begin to imagine. Just getting the basic science down would be staggering and I don't even know how the hell you would FDA/NIH approval for it. Maybe a deep black CIA/Pentagon project possibly building on MK ultra?

 

Actually doing some reading on this and it does seem like the kind of thing MK ultra was trying to achieve.....

 

(Goes to check building water supply for drug canisters and tears room apart looking for bugs)

 

@Pudding

[Sophie ♥]

 

I'm really curious to know how this process works. You can't edit information out of the brain without surgery or at least not completely of course when you learn new information new connections form and old ones may be trimmed. If I remember correctly there is a lot reorganization in adolescence. Maybe subject age is important? I might want to go back over my neuropsych text. I suppose hypnotism could put a mental block on certain memories  but reading for example requires integrating information from multiple neuropathways. Frontal Lobe for integration and interpretation,  ocipital lobe for sensory input, hippocampus to remember the symbols and context, probably Broca's area to connect the letters and sounds. And of course each person is going to have subtle variation in their neuroconectome. So how they manage to selectively block complex circuits involving multiple pathways and get consistent results I can't even begin to imagine. Just getting the basic science down would be staggering and I don't even know how the hell you would FDA/NIH approval for it. Maybe a deep black CIA/Pentagon project possibly building on MK ultra?

This is my favorite comment.  

Okay, first and foremost, there's an obvious suspension of disbelief.  Because I agree, this sort of intricate memory-blocking would be SUPER improbable.  To alleviate some of your questions, there isn't any actual surgery involved.  And I guarantee this whole thing is NOT FDA approved. O_O But Mt. Calibeen tends to ignore the rules sometimes.  Because they think they'll never be caught, and they get results.  If the general public knew of their methods, they'd be shut down in an instant.  Also, Staycee's memory loss is not permanent.  It's like... disconnecting a computer from the power.  It still has all the memory, but it's just not turned on.

The long and short of it is: hypnosis does all these things.  Memory blocking, rewriting, changing, etc.  But it's not the sort of hypnosis you think.  Hypnosis is... just a trick of the light.  It's all about making sure the patient/client accepts the external influence as a part of their own.  Even then, hypnosis can never make you do things you don't want to do, like kill someone.  Also, people who don't accept that external influence can't be hypnotized.  So you can't ever get 100% results with hypnosis.

ACTUALLY!  This is why we wrote the side-story about Velvet.  Later in that story, they discuss the limitations of hypnosis. And it's in Velvet's story that they design Mt. Calibeen's automated hypnosis program (which is a little less hypnosis and more complete mindfuckery).  Again, this takes you into some sci-fi territory, but it's not impossible.  And then it's a refined version of that technology in Velvet that is used in A&S.

If you want to know more about the "how", you should definitely read Velvet's story.  But it's not finished yet, so you'll have to wait a little bit.

I hope this answered some of your questions?  

[ELLIE52]

..... more complete mindfuckery .....     Sophie said

heck, I can't quote here anymore

Intense chapter.

I did send you the email for Lottie story.

[Sophie ♥]

 

..... more complete mindfuckery .....     Sophie said

heck, I can't quote here anymore

Intense chapter.

I did send you the email for Lottie story.

Thanks for the kind words!!   Pudding said she sent you the file to your email.  If you continue to have problems feel free to PM me.

[YourFNF]

 

This is my favorite comment.  

Okay, first and foremost, there's an obvious suspension of disbelief.  Because I agree, this sort of intricate memory-blocking would be SUPER improbable.  To alleviate some of your questions, there isn't any actual surgery involved.  And I guarantee this whole thing is NOT FDA approved. O_O But Mt. Calibeen tends to ignore the rules sometimes.  Because they think they'll never be caught, and they get results.  If the general public knew of their methods, they'd be shut down in an instant.  Also, Staycee's memory loss is not permanent.  It's like... disconnecting a computer from the power.  It still has all the memory, but it's just not turned on.

The long and short of it is: hypnosis does all these things.  Memory blocking, rewriting, changing, etc.  But it's not the sort of hypnosis you think.  Hypnosis is... just a trick of the light.  It's all about making sure the patient/client accepts the external influence as a part of their own.  Even then, hypnosis can never make you do things you don't want to do, like kill someone.  Also, people who don't accept that external influence can't be hypnotized.  So you can't ever get 100% results with hypnosis.

ACTUALLY!  This is why we wrote the side-story about Velvet.  Later in that story, they discuss the limitations of hypnosis. And it's in Velvet's story that they design Mt. Calibeen's automated hypnosis program (which is a little less hypnosis and more complete mindfuckery).  Again, this takes you into some sci-fi territory, but it's not impossible.  And then it's a refined version of that technology in Velvet that is used in A&S.

If you want to know more about the "how", you should definitely read Velvet's story.  But it's not finished yet, so you'll have to wait a little bit.

I hope this answered some of your questions?  

This definitely makes more sense but once someone reaches the end of their sentence the forced gender reassignment and radical personality changes are going to glaringly obvious I'm surprised nobody has sued on their behalf. Also what do they do with people like me who the moment they know clock work orange shit is going down would actively try to resist and fight it? They could use sleep deprivation and physical torture to break down the subject's resistance but again with someone like me the result  would most likely be complete dissociative break/catatonic state or just making the subject violent and combative.

 

**** Update ****

"There is nothing that defines you as women more than your breasts,
girls. Only the most special of visitors will see below your waistline,
and only if you so choose. But your breasts make you a woman.

 

Wow that is incredibly offensive and gender essentialist

(To random teacher lady on pg. 22) Fuck you and your TERF bullshit

 

 

**

Also the government contract they're getting must be massive to justify the expense.

I smell military industrial complex and working together with the for profit prison industry? Shit how deep does this go? This is bad this is very very bad. (Runs to prep go bag)

[ELLIE52]

I thought this chapter was just WOW !!!!!  I've just reread it again.  Fascinating stuffs.

[YourFNF]

"Do not pity these wayward children, girls. Your pity will not help
them, it'll only make their situation worse. Instead, spur them to excel.
Remind them how terrible they ought to feel for their transgressions.
Tease them. Never let them forget this punishment so long as it lasts.
Only that way can they learn and be better people."

 

Dam I want to hack this places records so bad. Let everyone know what the hell is going on at this fucked up place. I wonder if they air gap their servers? That just makes it harder wouldn't stop me. Load pregen exploits to knock out doors and security systems or bring someone who's a better coder than me. Shears, cutting tools, picks, auto pick and wrench/screw driver set to handle hardware. Taser and suppressed FN 5.7 to handle the guards. Hell if the feds wolln't do anything I'll dox these mother fuckers. Let everyone know who they are and just what kind of sick shit they've been up to.

Oh you know what would be really karmic? Nab one of the senior researchers and make them give a video confession. If they don't they get hooked up to one of their own machines.

[Pudding]

I'm super excited that you're so passionate about this  we did do an AU story set in the distant future where the administration had changed and the facility was condemned and shut down, and some people go urbexing and get caught in the aftermath~

(and who knows, maybe the real hypnosis here is us making you think all this is real and plausible *handwave*)

[Sophie ♥]

I absolutely adore all the discussion in this thread!!

@YourFNF - The hypnosis itself has a built in "breakdown" of the self and forces the hypnotisms upon you.  Resistance does nothing.  Again, Velvet will delve into this a lot more.   Also please understand that Mt. Calibeen is sexist and evil and in no way reflects our personal beliefs!  They're awful,  you have no idea.  But that's half the fun.  There's so much "behind the scenes" that we never even get into.  And it's all government sponsored.  Mt. Calibeen is the sort of place that conspiracy theorists can be right about!

Again, there are reasons that people don't sue and people don't get involved, and that's mostly because Mt. Calibeen has WAY too much power.  You'll see a little bit of that in Lottie.  Just keep reading and enjoy the story.  And if you have any specific questions, feel free to ask.

As for Pudding's comment: we did write an epilogue of sorts!  Set years and years later when the place got shut down.  It was something like a horror story.  But that one probably won't be canon.  It's lost in the endless backlog of our story archives.  

~Sophie

[Guilyn]

Just want to point out one thing.  You can edit what is in a person brain without surgery, it's been done for hundreds of years.  Brain washing is one of the more 'well known' ways to edit things.  A person can be put under stress and will forget things and false memories can be implanted into someone mind and they will naturally fill in the blanks.  The human brain is the most complex computer on the plant at the moment and it can be rewired and rewritten if a person knows how.  Psychology studies have shown some amazing things a person can do to the mind, that being said the 'instant' memory alterations is more science fiction but it's not as far off as you may think.  I normally wouldn't link this channel because he tends to miss a lot of facts but this video he did a good job in so I'll link it below.

 

 

[YourFNF]

 

Just want to point out one thing.  You can edit what is in a person brain without surgery, it's been done for hundreds of years.  Brain washing is one of the more 'well known' ways to edit things.  A person can be put under stress and will forget things and false memories can be implanted into someone mind and they will naturally fill in the blanks.  The human brain is the most complex computer on the plant at the moment and it can be rewired and rewritten if a person knows how.  Psychology studies have shown some amazing things a person can do to the mind, that being said the 'instant' memory alterations is more science fiction but it's not as far off as you may think.  I normally wouldn't link this channel because he tends to miss a lot of facts but this video he did a good job in so I'll link it below.

 

 

@9:12 Oh fuck I was wondering if it was optogenetics but since gene editing wasn't specifically mentioned I wasn't a hundred percent sure.

Well my paranoia levels just shot up by like 200%. This kinda makes me think of Descartes and his "mind altering demon".

 

I absolutely adore all the discussion in this thread!!

@YourFNF - The hypnosis itself has a built in "breakdown" of the self and forces the hypnotisms upon you.  Resistance does nothing.  Again, Velvet will delve into this a lot more.   Also please understand that Mt. Calibeen is sexist and evil and in no way reflects our personal beliefs!  They're awful,  you have no idea.  But that's half the fun.  There's so much "behind the scenes" that we never even get into.  And it's all government sponsored.  Mt. Calibeen is the sort of place that conspiracy theorists can be right about!

Again, there are reasons that people don't sue and people don't get involved, and that's mostly because Mt. Calibeen has WAY too much power.  You'll see a little bit of that in Lottie.  Just keep reading and enjoy the story.  And if you have any specific questions, feel free to ask.

As for Pudding's comment: we did write an epilogue of sorts!  Set years and years later when the place got shut down.  It was something like a horror story.  But that one probably won't be canon.  It's lost in the endless backlog of our story archives.  

~Sophie

I really want to read read that epilogue at some point. Also do you think my plan of going after their archive servers would have worked? Either remote hacking or on site.

 

...... Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to  an urgent care clinic for an x-ray and to get a few blood samples taken. $1,200 cash should do it for no questions asked and no records

[YourFNF]

p.s. I wonder, if you knew this was a thing could you implant the equivalent of encryption or antivirus software. Like if your memories get edited these preimplanted sequences trip and breaks the conditioning

[YourFNF]

I put on as bright a smile as I could as tears started down my cheeks,
looking at Lexi as sincerely as anyone could manage. "Thank you very
much… I deserved that…"

I shrugged my shoulders, putting my hand out on the table for Staycee to
paint, still using the other to wipe the tears off my cheeks. "It's best… that
they treat me like that. I learn faster… the worse this experience is for
me, the more likely I'll never get myself in this situation again…"
Would she understand that? I wasn't even sure I understood it until just a
second ago, but I certainly did now. This was what I deserved. A day of
absolute Hell.

 

Yeah I would not have survived more than a month in this place. Even if I got out the PTSD flashbacks and nightmares would probably.....

 

"after the shot and being hypnotized" Okay that must be the retro virus that's used as the vector. I'm honestly wondering if my final plan if I know extraction wasn't coming would even work. It's incredibly simple break off a piece of glass or sheet metal, make a small incision to sever the carotid and femoral arteries. But it's also obvious, would they have put a block to stop it? Could I force my hand to move anyway?

 

***************

@pg.63 You know I wonder if these dreams are memories that haven't been completely suppressed?

 

Also I'm now 90% sure this is MK ultra 2.0 or maybe even 3.0

 

*********

"And
the idea of being wrongly accused… there was due process for a reason."

 

Oh honey.... These kind of people don't give a shit about that if they can get away with. Especially if your brown and or poor.

 

Yeah..... I went there

 

Although with a conspiracy this deep my background (Army vet dad, mom who's a nurse) and pasty white ass might not be sufficient protection. Especially if I got to close to the truth, and with my politics. I could be a target for elimination.........

(checks go bag: $20,000 [1/4 in US dollars, euro, pound sterling, and Yen], passports and ID cards(US, British, Malta, and Uruguay), change of clothes, survival kit, field surgery kit, all composite caseless holdout pistol with ceramic rounds, telescoping baton, utility knife in ceramic and composite, multitool,  laptop, 6 burner phones with preloded sim cards) check condition green.

 

*****

 

"I don't think I’ve ever flirted before." I think my avenue was more to
drug the girl and just have my way with her - cut out the flirting. But that
was Callum. And I'm Staycee now. Staycee doesn't date rape girls. She
flirts. And so I needed to learn how to flirt.

 

You know I wonder if either of these girls actually did anything to get sent here? That would be classic gas lighting. Then again maybe I just don't want to think Stacie is capable of.... that.

 

****

@pg. 79

 

So yeah full confession I got turned on when Audrey wet her pants on purpose. I don't feel right. Like what the fuck is wrong with me. I want to shower with bleach with the water as hot as it'll get until my skin looks like one massive sunburn.

[Sophie ♥]

This whole conversation is a trip. XD

 

p.s. I wonder, if you knew this was a thing could you implant the equivalent of encryption or antivirus software. Like if your memories get edited these preimplanted sequences trip and breaks the conditioning

Keep this in mind when you read Velvet!!

As for exposing Mt. Calibeen... I don't think it would go very well. They have... methods in place.  To ensure they are safeguarded.  And when it comes to the sequel, it's a possibility.  But it won't be for a while.  

I can say with certainty at least MOST of the people who are there do deserve it.  And don't worry about getting turned on by Audrey - who isn't?  

OKAY!!! New chapters today!