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I've lurked on this site for years, always in the pictures and stories tab. Last Thursday, I decided to make an account to allow me the opportunity to talk with other And, people I thought would understand. I thought it would help me out to know that there were people who actually lived happy lives this way. And it has been hearing all about your good relationships and the personal happiness and fulfillment that you feel. And I am happy for each one of you. It makes we wish we could meet so that I can see that happiness for myself. Maybe it would help me.

But after being here for a few days, I may have to give it more time, but I worry that being here is making me feel worse. Being cut off from the community is hard and it's lonely and I have no one to talk to about this secret that I feel is a part of me. But I feel it would be better than being surrounded by people enjoying and embracing something that feels completely out of reach for me. 

Cleaning out our room, I found a pacifier that seemed to have escaped the purge after my daughters third birthday. I thought I'd set it aside to maybe use for RP later, but I was forced to throw it away. Well, I hid it in my secret liquor cabinet. I'm constantly checking my inbox for emails, responses, from people I've messaged and content I've posted looking for any sort of interaction with this group. My feelings are becoming obsessive and I have no outlet for what I feel like inside. I'm so down, and I don't know how I can help myself or even what I would want to get out of it. What can I do, friends? 

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It sounds like you are in a situation where you want to have your "little time", but cannot.  Is this the case?  Are you married?  If so, does your spouse know about this?  If you can answer these questions, I can help you out better.  I have a friend who may be in a similar situation.  Please, hang in there for just a bit more, and help me help you.  Also, this has a kind of vibe to it, so I'm going to ask directly:

Are you thinking of harming or killing yourself?
Do you have a plan to hurt or kill yourself?

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Thank you for the concern, but I have no plans to harm or kill myself. God knows, I've had times where I've thought about it in the past, but I found help through medication and the simple truth that every day is a new day. To answer your questions: Yes, I am married. Yes, my spouse knows, but she is disapproving. Actually, I'm not really quite sure where it stands with her. When I first told her about my "little side" she said that it wasn't uncommon, and then she would try to work with it one day. Then it was, this is a dealbreaker for us and if you try to force it I'm out. Some time later, the tune was, "When the kids are potty trained, we'll tend to you, until then just be patient." I've thought so many times today about telling her how I've been struggling over the past couple of days, but I always chicken out because I have no idea what reaction I'll get this time. And coming here for help is great, but I just feel like she should be the first to know when I'm struggling, you know. And it sucks that I can't tell her. I've gone through a thousand different scenarios in my head today and none of them end well.

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I can relate to not being able to be in little space when you would like to and nobody is understanding. Here is what I do in this situation I  figure out everybodys schedule when they leave and return home then wait until I have the house to myself. This has worked pretty good for me and seems like your only option hang in there 

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Topic Update: So, it's been a little over 24 hours since I last posted. I've been helped by some wonderful people in our beautiful community, and I'm very appreciative of it. To further reiterate, though my post definitely had that sort of vibe, I am not suicidal. Aside from me not feeling the blackness of the void that deeply, I'm a avid listener of the NoSleep Podcast and have no desire to "Feed the Pig."  (someone may get that reference...) Esoteric humor aside, This seems to be cyclical nature of my struggle. I begin to have these pervasive thoughts, they build to obsession where I feel that I should burst, and then something happens. Usually nothing good. Usually, there is a conversation about ways to sublimate my desires which would be okay if anything ever came from it. As it stands, it seems like a diversion away from the topic to kick the can down the street for another day. 

I meant what I said about my belief that every day is a new day. Today is not like yesterday. I still feel sad, but now it's also a feeling of being lost. I don't know what to do with the things that I feel. God bless you all with your SO that you can be open and honest with. I can be open about most things with mine, but this is taboo, verboten, and other forbidden words. She has become mad for not talking to her about it, mad for talking to her about it, mad for talking about it at the wrong time, mad for talking to someone else about it. It's like playing Roulette and putting everything on 00, every spin but one is a loss and you don't know how it's going to land at that moment. Add to that the intense pressure that I've put on myself about talking about it, and it makes me insular, i get quiet and pensive. My mind runs through all the things I should say or shouldn't say, the hours tick by slowly and sleep comes on lazy wings. 

The thing that I fear the most is losing the love of my life. I want to be whole. To have all of me accepted, even the parts I don't quite accept myself. Is it so much to ask for to have all of yourself accepted, not most or some? I fear that when the time comes to choose between this part of me that I don't fully understand and my wife and kids, I'll choose the family. And in doing so, I'll just be forced to live in denial of myself. And I'm not sure I can do that either. 

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This may sound like a silly question, but is it possible to play games, tell stories, and have fun with your little girl and sort of grow up with her to help alleviate your suffering?

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2 hours ago, Conflictedinside said:

Topic Update: So, it's been a little over 24 hours since I last posted. I've been helped by some wonderful people in our beautiful community, and I'm very appreciative of it. To further reiterate, though my post definitely had that sort of vibe, I am not suicidal. Aside from me not feeling the blackness of the void that deeply, I'm a avid listener of the NoSleep Podcast and have no desire to "Feed the Pig."  (someone may get that reference...) Esoteric humor aside, This seems to be cyclical nature of my struggle. I begin to have these pervasive thoughts, they build to obsession where I feel that I should burst, and then something happens. Usually nothing good. Usually, there is a conversation about ways to sublimate my desires which would be okay if anything ever came from it. As it stands, it seems like a diversion away from the topic to kick the can down the street for another day. 

I meant what I said about my belief that every day is a new day. Today is not like yesterday. I still feel sad, but now it's also a feeling of being lost. I don't know what to do with the things that I feel. God bless you all with your SO that you can be open and honest with. I can be open about most things with mine, but this is taboo, verboten, and other forbidden words. She has become mad for not talking to her about it, mad for talking to her about it, mad for talking about it at the wrong time, mad for talking to someone else about it. It's like playing Roulette and putting everything on 00, every spin but one is a loss and you don't know how it's going to land at that moment. Add to that the intense pressure that I've put on myself about talking about it, and it makes me insular, i get quiet and pensive. My mind runs through all the things I should say or shouldn't say, the hours tick by slowly and sleep comes on lazy wings. 

The thing that I fear the most is losing the love of my life. I want to be whole. To have all of me accepted, even the parts I don't quite accept myself. Is it so much to ask for to have all of yourself accepted, not most or some? I fear that when the time comes to choose between this part of me that I don't fully understand and my wife and kids, I'll choose the family. And in doing so, I'll just be forced to live in denial of myself. And I'm not sure I can do that either. 

In this case would it be at all possible for the two  of you to see a counselor to help resolve this?

 

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8 hours ago, Conflictedinside said:

Is it so much to ask for to have all of yourself accepted, not most or some?

No, that is not too much to ask but you must realize that some people just cannot handle some things. If you ask me ti pick up my car with one hand it is something I cannot do no matter how I try, and the same goes for people's minds and emotions. Everyone has their limits. Sometimes a compromise can be reached, maybe you can use time home alone or spend a day in a hotel room occasionally being yourself.  It is as equally not possible for a complete refusal to work as it is to not be able to ask. You need more deep and fully honest communication to happen because this is not something you can repress without damage occurring to yourself and perhaps those you love too. It must have an outlet when it is strong.

The easiest way to avoid having pressure build up is to release it more frequently in smaller amounts- that makes handling the pressure a lot easier to do ;) There may still be times when the pressure threatens to overwhelm you but they will be fewer. What you cannot do is ignore the pressure, for then an explosion and a disaster is a certainty. Find the right time and place to communicate these things to her and make sure she knows that you will respect her limits as long as she helps you avoid the explosion which is otherwise bound to happen. Find a compromise somewhere somehow- there is something which will work for both of you if you both seek it strongly enough :) 

Bettypooh

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No, Ellie, it's not a silly question. It's a very valid question that I have asked myself before. Then I get into a space where I see this whole thing as selfishness, putting myself and my wants above the needs of others, and then I think, well, change the perspective so that your doing what's best for others and not thinking of yourself. 

I do play with my kids, but it's different. My particular type of little space is not playing with toys or watching PBS kids or Disney movies. I already do all of that as an Adult. I'm just looking for a few moments every once in a while to be an AB, to be free of all of my responsibilities, free from the thoughts of crippling anxiety and poverty that pervade my life. To be totally taken care of for a few hours. I already play with Lego blocks and all of my kids toys just because I like playing with them, but that's just me being me and wanting to do what my kids do.

As far as seeing a counselor, I think it could help but the problem is finding the right one. There is one kink aware therapist in my area and even getting to them would require a full days travel there and back. Unless someone could see us on the weekends, I don' know how we could get to one. I'm also not fond of the idea of calling up various counselors and asking them if they have dealt with ABDL situations before. Kind of not into shouting it from the rooftops as it were.

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So, i just finished the first round of talking to my wife. Later on tonight were going to talk and try to come up with a compromise.

Thank you so much, everyone, for all of your help. Especially you, bettypooh, your words resonated with me and actually helped in the conversation.

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When you've got a great relationship outside of an issue or two it's worth making every possible effort to save it ;) Wishing you all the best :thumbsup:

Bettypooh

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