i cant go on like this anymore

[smokey]

first off, i want to appoligize for the way i acted last summer, i'm not pissed at AE and tigger, i never really was. i flipped out over the site update because my phone wasnt working right, and that was just the straw that broke the camels back. i have been dealing with a very bad case of ptsd due to some drunk redneck punks trying to kill me back in april. im the same smokey physically, but not the same smokey you all know. i had to check myself into therepy because of everything that happend, and it is working, but i'll never be the same after this. i should have talked about my problems here first, but i didn't. ive always felt that if i try to talk about my problems with someone, they just respond with "well, you better un-fuck yourself, and get back to work". i'm willing to talk, but only in pm, and only if i'm allowed back in this site. even if i am allowed back, you wont see me in chat, and i wont be very active on the boards due to the fact im still stressed about my situation. i have a shotgun on my lap as i write this because im so paranoid about what happend back in april. if you really want to here from me, pm me. and once again, i am sorry to those i hurt and offended

[DailyDi]

Wrote you back on FL, but will add: In my worst times I had to unfriend (both online and in the real world) several toxic "walk it off - get over it" people who were not good for me. But I can also honestly say that I would not be alive today were it not for some of my best friends online who helped me through many long nights. Don't be afraid to reach-out...

[Bettypooh]

I'm SO very glad you're working on your issues, and you're right; therapy will change you. For the better. Well, actually you'll change yourself but let it help you find the better life you deserve to have anyhow. That's what it's all about

Hang in there and keep trying. It won't happen overnight, but it's going to get better, I promise. I've been there so I know.

Bettypooh

[smokey]

i'm trying to hang on, but its just not working, i'm filled with too much rage right now i cant even think straight.

[LilFozzyJ5]

Hi smokey,

[Bettypooh]

Smokey, the roughest part is the beginning, but it's a journey worth taking. I think it's a journey everyone should take. Part of what you're going to learn about is you, and part is going to be how your life can be made much better by how you interact with the rest of the world. There's going to be times where the tears flow like a river. Go with it. There's going to be times where you will feel hurt. Go with it. There's going to be things you're told to do which you really don't want to do, but you go with it. Why? Because the things you've been trying so far haven't worked and you need other ways to deal with those things so that you can achieve what you want to achieve and be happy.

You're not a bad person. You're intelligent, witty, caring, and you see more than a lot of people do. You deserve happiness and that is what is at the end of this journey, but you have to take the whole journey to get it. So hang in there and keep moving forward. Vent, cry, and laugh with us as you feel the need to. We're here for you to do that. Back off from us if you need to- we understand. But hang in there and finish the journey because you're worth the effort, and should you ever feel like you're stuck and going nowhere, look around and you'll see us cheering you on because we know you can succeed. We believe in you. And we know you can do it.

It will get better, I promise.

Bettypooh

[Baby Brian]

Smokey,

I used to have some serious rage issues after I got out of the Marines. They taught me to focus on my rage and redirect it back towards the enemy. Unfortunately this is the exact opposite you need to do in the civilian world. I ended up volunteering for an anger management class before I would end up getting ordered to go.

That class helped me to realize that when something happens that normally makes you mad- it has already happened and there is nothing anyone can do to undo it. In the brief moment after it happens you begin to react to it, which eventually turns to being angry. The point here it that you are -unknowingly- choosing to react. You actually can -knowingly-

[DailyDi]

Hugs for Smokey! I know how hard it can be, please keep fighting!